Redeem me into childhood

I vaguely noticed Chrollo leisurely leaning back against the windowsill. I noticed him pulling me closer until he could press his face against my back. I noticed his heartbeat and breathing vibrating against me. I noticed the cold breeze passing us a second, which blew some strands of hair in my face. I noticed Chrollo gently pulling all of my hair back before laying his arms around my waist again.

I clearly noticed that the eyes in this box had been my mother's, and that, after four years, I was finding memory again. Unpleasant memory, but a lot of it was coming back. Images were filling my head, one after the other.

'It was so nice of Silva to give Killua that box. It saved me the trouble of finding it myself.' He sounded even calmer than before, 'I take it from your reaction that you're remembering?' He folded his hands across my stomach, and it took me a good couple of seconds to shake myself out of it. 'There's a plastified note in the lid if you're still unsure.' I tore myself loose from those deluded eyes, and took the note out before handing the box back to Chrollo. I'd seen those eyes enough in my lifetime.

'She never did remember my name correctly. I should have known it was her the moment I found Yellmi's photo.' Yellmi… my mother had called me a lot of things, this was a new one. But it was a known deviation from my name. She'd hoped to survive when using it? I can't deny the possibility that my name probably would have worked for that purpose,

'Some memories are suppressed when they are deemed unnecessary or dangerous to your mental health. It's not strange you forgot about her face.' It wasn't strange, no, if that deranged mother of mine was the cause for this situation… It's far from strange, but I'm not happy that my mind has shown a weakness such as this.

So that's what Hisoka had meant all the time with implying that I wouldn't be able to hear it. He'd told me about this before, but he never got through to me.

'I wish you'd left her alive a little longer after removing the eyes. I would've liked to have been out of my time loss to consciously have seen her reaction.'

'Your distaste for her is still as great now as it was back then.'

'Her medical skills were sublime, but her state of mind – together with most Breakers - was laughable. She's the reason I've developed these triggers. I am far from grateful for that.' His arms squeezed a little tighter around me when I started reading the note in its whole.

"I know you're busy taking care of business at the moment, but if you choose to return here, here's a little treat. That deranged woman who thought it fit to leave you here to die has been thoroughly tortured and will shortly be taken care of. As for your request to capture and kill the Assassin that had been sent here for her, I am not obliging. Without him you wouldn't have gotten out, and I'd be short my most valuable partner. I'll join you again for the fun after burning Yellmi's body." That's right, it'd been Killua that ripped the metal plates off the window, his arm broke clean in half when he finally succeeded. It had been injured already, after all the futile tries. I can't remember what pulled him through in the end though. After three weeks of captivity he shouldn't have been able to do that.

I've really been here? I have been locked up with Killua here. Then those shapes on the bed really were of me and him. The memories are vague, but it really did happen.

'You'd been searching to kill her, if not done already, but disappeared in the process. You were here for two weeks before I realized Yellmi had taken refuge with the Kurta's. You escaped a week later to come and find me again, I'd already started their torture to find you. You seemed to like to help me find her again through these means.'

'"What happened? Did you find Yellmi? Were you able to kill her?" "I'll help you regain your strength. After that I have a special treat for you. The Kurta's are something else, physically." "Don't worry, I have help in cleaning it all up." "Am I allowed to watch you work?"' I recited words I remembered hearing Chrollo say in the day after finding freedom again. I could feel him smile,

'"Hunt Yellmi down for me, you can watch me work all you want after that." "Make sure the Kurta's make it to me as unscathed and undrugged as possible." "They're a people that hide lunatics like my mother, I don't care what happens to them afterwards." I believe those were your responses, weren't they?' They were. Although I hardly recognized myself in them.

'They gave refuge to more than one deluded criminal. Their good-doing should have had limits.' I'd been in a rage back then, I didn't stop until all of them had been taken care of.

Killua still remembers his hit on Yellmi had gone horribly wrong, but apparently the kind of wrong he remembered differed from reality. He will definitely not appreciate this note.

His confusion over the way me and my mother looked alike must've caused his failure. I remember her completely freaking out that not only her son had found her again, but a second later an Assassin had come for her life. She hadn't hesitated to lock us up in the room upstairs while there was still confusion. She probably ran away as quickly as possible after that. She'd prepared this room for her experiments, that's the only reason we survived, there'd been a source of running water, and some leftover food.

I couldn't for the life of me though, remember what exactly happened with Killua those three weeks. It was all a blur. The only certainty was that we'd been here. Remembering how I'd known Chrollo beforehand was also not happening.

'How did I already know you back then?'

'I don't know how, but you were the one who found me. I delivered some experiments to you before you ended up here.' I should remember this. 'Hisoka liked helping us quite a lot, by the way.' But there wasn't bad blood between Kurapika and Hisoka, just annoyance. The blonde must then not be aware of Hisoka's involvement back then.

If all three of us had participated in the massacre, then Chrollo must have done something more than we'd done, that his existence had been erased. Unfortunately, there's no memories of that either. He's probably done this off my radar.

Also unfortunately, it seems I never really cut the ties back then, and this information is useless concerning prying myself loose from Killua. I do remember that cooperation with Chrollo on this had been pleasant. He'd been merciless and efficient. I'd learned quite a lot from the Kurta's that he'd sent my way; that knowledge was returning as well. They had indeed been interesting subjects.

Seemed that Chrollo's motivation all this time had been to force my memory back so I'd cooperate with him again. He's a possessive person.

'This does not cut my ties with Killua in the least. I can understand that I wanted you to take care of him back then, but that's not a possibility anymore as long as we work at the institution.' He turned his head against my back, but I spoke up before he did, 'You're driving him to suicide to take care of him now?' I felt a short laugh exiting his throat before he answered.

'That was a back-up.'

'Ah, you don't need to do anything anymore, because this note is the key to detach him from me, and I'll give it to him myself.' He nodded slightly. Just asking for new cooperation wasn't enough, was it, his obsession for me seems to be too great for that. 'Our cooperation had been pleasant four years ago, and I wouldn't mind you as a contact when I go back to being a Breaker. But there are still limits on how close you will come.'

'Touching you has never been about wanting to do everything Hisoka wants to do to you.'

'This is true, but I'm talking about your need of owning me.'

'I wouldn't dream of that.' The only reason Silva could've had to give Killua this box, was to trigger memories as well. Hisoka's goal had obviously been to keep me from finding out too quickly so he could play with me as long as he could. He's been playing this game longer, he's been keeping me away from Chrollo for years to keep me from regaining memory, hasn't he.

Had it been Zeno's goal as well to trigger memories to return? But why would he even care if I remembered these times?

After almost a month and a half, I'm still no closer to finding that out. Why are you letting me work with him when he's off-limits?

'I'll trade the box back to Killua when we return.' I handed him the note and wanted to walk away because there was nothing left to do here, but he pulled me in closer first. He inhaled deeply and kissed my back before letting his arms fall loose. 'None of that will be allowed from now on.' He smiled up at me before closing the box again, and gave it back when passing me out of the room and walked with me out of the house.

'You should've given me this sooner.'

'You have to be willing to regain your memory for it to work, you know this. And the box wasn't there the last time I returned.' Silva had found it, and hid it there to double the chances of triggering memories with Killua then. But Killua is not aware he's missing memory, there is a chance this box will do nothing at all with him.

Either way, this is the elimination of a lot of uncertainty. I am grateful for the clarity. Most of Chrollo's actions can be traced back to either possessiveness or creating the greatest need for me to regain memory. It worked really well, I have to add.

Now all that remains for today is a session with Killua, and have sex with Hisoka. Although I now remember where my attachment to Killua originated from, I still need to know the extent of it, and how much work I'll have to put in to put an end to it from my side.

Ah, I'll have to notify Silva to stop hunting Chrollo as well. Chrollo has no reason anymore to harass Killua, there's no need to pursue him any longer.

'So, how does this work with you.' For good measure I'd taped all my joints before stepping into the court with the redhead. This will most probably be the hardest sparring I've done since I got here.

'You want rules? I thought you just wanted to try to kill me.'

'Tch.' I scowled at him while I made sure the tape around my hands was secure. Hisoka was going for a different approach, and pulled the shirt off his body. Barefooted, warmed-up and eager, he looked like he could rip the head off my body before I would even notice.

Good.

'It's cute that you think that tape will save you today.' He started circling me a little, and lifted a finger to his lips, assessing my state of mind most probably. No, I don't think this tape's gonna help a lot either, but I have to use some kind of cushion. I pulled the tape a whole lot tighter in defiance, while looking him straight in the eyes. He grinned when he noticed this challenge.

'So the only rule is the one Zeno has imposed?' He closed his eyes and shrugged, his grin growing. After a couple of seconds I dropped my hand, and Hisoka stopped in his tracks, his bloodlust growing. The look in his eyes was growing beyond what he'd shown before, and I regressed my presence.

'Oh my dear Killua-kun, there's so much more I can do than just break you. I want to try it all.' My alertness increased when his eyes widened for a second, 'Normally, people who have nothing left to lose whither and fall. You're not withering nor falling. You're standing so strong in the grey. Somewhere you can't stop believing you'll be able to save Gon, don't you? Have you been taught not to give up on anything? Tell me, how long are you going to spend in the grey to increase your strength to take out your parents?' My heart started beating faster when he said all of this, and I had to forcefully will it down. I bared my fangs at him when it happened – because that never happened after regressing to a killing mode.

'As long as it takes.' He started walking a little again. I'm not doing any of what he's saying consciously, I'm not spending time in purgatory voluntarily, I just need to survive.

'You're so bent on emotional survival, and you don't even notice yourself, it's beautiful. I'd hate to kill you today.' I narrowed my eyes at him just before I decided now was as good a time as any to start the attack. However, when I got close enough and was ready to redirect at a moment's notice, he'd already disappeared from my vision. I wanted to take my distance, but I had to locate him again first. By the time I'd done that, I felt his knuckles connect to my stomach, and stay there until I'd been thrown through the air a couple of feet. I landed on one knee, but ignored the pain and refocused my attention.

Hisoka simply grinned back at me before taking a couple of steps in my direction. My body was sprung tight to react in any which way I'd need to, but the second attack was impossible to follow as well. I ducked down and away, but he still got a hit on my side. I felt my back being twisted in the impact, and survival instincts kicked into full gear. The second I flipped away, Hisoka's presence became the only existence in the world, and I could raise my arm to deflect a dislocating blow that followed. But it didn't stop there. I noticed, and used Feitan's technique to create some distance fast instead of feeling impact again.

Hisoka stopped his attack right then. I saw him putting his foot back down on the ground.

'Hmph.' He repeated the motion I'd just done to close the distance again, and I put my feet solid on the ground. His fist went for my jaw, but with a simple headtwist that was avoided, and I pushed the blow of his other hand away with a lot of force.

His leg did connect though, and my back was bent the other way – but not as far as before - and I was able to grab his leg and connect my elbow on the tendons of his knee. I could feel he wanted to retreat, but he was actually surprised his speed hadn't been enough, and didn't get away until I'd let go. I straightened my back again and spit some blood on the floor. Cracking my back a little, I could see the look in his eyes after taking some distance again. He shook his leg loose, and put his foot back on the ground, giving it some pressure.

'Well now, I believe I am impressed with your increase in physical survival as well. You will have to hit harder than that to break my body though.' That was about the hardest I've ever hit anything in those circumstances, but I guess I missed my mark a little,

'Fine.' I felt my lips curling up. If you want to see how quickly I can learn, be my guest. I cracked my neck some more and took a counter stance. I was starting to go beyond what I'm used to.

He took slow steps towards me until he was within attacking range again. I lifted my arm and deflected the impact the best I could with Illumi's technique – I'd stopped a break from happening, but Hisoka pushed through nonetheless, and wanted to toss me through the air again. This time I ducked out from under his leg though and made sure to hit the same spot on his knee again. The moment he avoided, I redirected downwards with all the power I had in me, and made Hisoka back off in warning. I dead-stopped my fist a fraction of a second before it hit the floor, but in that fraction we'd both heard the floor protesting.

'My, that could've done a lot of-' I didn't wait for his words to end, and started another attack myself. Now knowing the extent of increase in my strength, I made sure to stay close-by and simply block his attacks. I couldn't make him back off, but he also didn't land a single full blow, and he was studying my technique. That meant he was fighting me seriously,

So when I saw my opportunity, I took it. There's more power in my other arm, and I made sure to connect it to his forearm when raised for blocking. He had to let the arm shoot away in order to keep using it, and he took the distance. I snaked my fingers a little while he was assessing his arm, and assessed my own injuries. Broken skin on my left hand, dislocated thumb on my right which I'll pull back right now. Muscles on my back are pulling, a certain contusion on my left ankle, and he broke one of my toes when he stepped on it to keep me in place. Luckily I was flexible enough to avoid any other injury then. There were also tendons just waiting to snap, so I increased bloodflow to it so it wouldn't happen so quickly.

Meanwhile, I believe I'd done more damage to Hisoka's arm than I thought I'd done. He was still regaining control over the limb. The way he started to laugh softly and menacingly, told me he was indeed more hurt than expected.

'Hmm~ you really have no idea how much power you have. It'd be a shame if Illumi'd drop you now. I'd might petition to take the case from him then.' Perhaps he'd hoped to elicit a reaction with that, but my ears were deaf to it. It was stored in the very back of my mind to analyze later – just like I was taught. 'All that raw strength behind your speed. Yes, I think I like you.' He raised his chin to look even more down on me. I walked off the contusion on my ankle the best I could, and was followed by Hisoka's eyes.

'Oh how I wish I could extend this fight. But I'm afraid I'll have to end it before either of us goes too far.' I stopped as soon as he said that, and stood ready for an attack. By now I thought I'd been starting to see through his technique a litte, but even if that was the case, I wasn't able to block his next blow. He'd gone straight to the already injured ankle, and forced me off my feet. Before I could even react to that, he hit me on the tendons on the inside of my wrist which made me lose strength in my hand and unable to form a fist anymore. He could've easily finished the fight right then, but he didn't. Instead he made sure my other leg was swiped away as well, and I landed face down right in front of him. I wanted to crawl back to my feet, but as soon as I set pressure on my left hand, I fell straight down again. The tendons had ripped?!

'You thought that just because I'm a self-taught, brute force fighter, I wouldn't attack your weak points? That doesn't sound right. A Zoldyck never underestimates, does he?' I scrambled myself back to my feet when I noticed the tendons were just stretched, not yet torn. I've come out of trainings worse than this. That was mostly blood-related though.

'You thought that just because I've been attacking head on, I don't have other methods?' I lifted my head to face him, and exhaled deeply, waiting until he noticed the pins in his tendons. Those hadn't torn them, but they'd made him considerably weaker.

'Oh~ you must have borrowed these from dear Illumi-kun. Impressive.' He started plucking them out one by one, and dropped them to the ground. I need to finish this before he can do any mo- 'But this is as far as you go.' His fist had connected to my stomach before my attack could even hit, and he grabbed the painful wrist as he threw me through the air again. This time I wasn't able to catch myself as well as before, and rolled sideways over the floor a couple of times before being able to scramble to my knees again. Meanwhile, the redhead took slow and deliberate steps towards me. I felt my gag-reflex pushing blood out of my body, and it dripped from the corner of my mouth. I put all my weight on my still slightly working leg, and stood back up.

'I do want to promote you keep training like this, but I can't have you killing yourself. That would kill all the fun, wouldn't it.' The last time I was able to mount a defense against his attack, I definitely felt one of the tendons on my wrist snap. By the time I raised my other wrist, he grabbed it and pressed his fingers on it to nearly rip the tendons there as well. I can't use my hands anymore!

I looked up at him, somewhere expecting the fight to stop now that I was down to one working limb, but it didn't. With deadly accuracy, he made sure my shoulders would become immobilized as well. I got filled with sheer rage at that point. You are not doing this to me! Training is all I have left!

'You goddamn psycho! I can't fucking fight back anymore, what the hell are y—AAAH!' I cried out for the first time when he immobilized my right knee as well, and all of my attempts to stand up were beaten into the ground. I still struggled against it. I can't let this happen, I need to be able to fight…! 'You should fucking know how long it takes for this to heal! I can't fucking train wh-AAH!' My other knee was taken care of, and I had no means to catch myself – not even all my years of training could keep me standing at this point. Hisoka caught me though by means of grabbing me by the neck, and lifting me slightly above him. The look in his eyes wasn't of complete madness, it was more dangerous than that. It was a look that spelled he knew exactly what he was doing. It was like death was looking me in the face, and I started to panic.

'Hmph.' His grin widened, and I spit out some of the blood in my mouth on his face. I felt the rest of it dripping over his hand, but I had to focus to keep breathing. I drew my eyes wide when I recognized a certain movement in his muscles, and felt myself being thrown down on the ground almost in slow-motion. The only thing I could do was prevent my head wouldn't be smacked too hard, but it still dizzied me. He let go of my throat, but very quickly, and very efficiently, made sure I wouldn't be able to lift any of my limbs anymore by sabotaging the tendons. This can't be fucking happening…

'You fucking psychopath! I can't even crawl to the goddamn infirmary now! How the hell can I become stronger like this?! I can't fucking survive without being able to move you bastard! It's my only fucking distraction!' I started almost going into hyperventilation over this frustration, and Hisoka set his knees on either side of me, looking down at me with the same grin he always wears. 'Get the fuck off of me and bring me to the goddamn infirmary!'

'No.' I almost bit my tongue off when I replied in rage,

'All you goddamn shrinks do is fucking break me! Where the hell did you get the right to put me in this situation?!'

'But we didn't put you in this situation, now did we.' He set his hands next to my head, closing his face in on mine, and his words started reaching me again. I started to hold my breath, his voice lowered to an eerie calmness, 'You did this all to yourself. Had you cared less about Gon, you would've been able to kill Ging and stay friends. Had you cared more about Gon, you would've refused completely and taken the consequences from your parents. Tell me,' he lowered his lips next to my ear, but I couldn't do a goddamn thing about it when he started whispering. I was trying to convince myself he wouldn't rip my throat out, that I wouldn't to do that to myself to stop my lungs from exploding,

'…are you sure you will survive this purgatory for the rest of your life? If one week is already too much, can you imagine a month? A year? Seventy years? That's 3640 times what you've experienced up until now. That's 3640 of those same weeks living alone, and then dying alone with nothing but corpses surrounding you. Even then Gon won't be there. Hm~ eternity alone. I'm sure Illumi wouldn't mind, but I think you would.' My body started shocking a little, and I bit through my lip to stop sound from leaving my throat, but I couldn't do it. 'You've just lost the ability to train yourself to death, what are you going to do now?' I ripped my jaw open,

And I screamed.

I screamed at the top of my lungs until I almost felt them rip through my chest.

And I felt tears streaming out at the force at which I was trying to hold them back.

I'm not…

I'm not doing this…!

Not in front of Hisoka, not in front of myself…

Not ever!

I never fucking cry like a baby, I pick myself up and just do what I've always done! I fucking stand up and fight back!

But no matter how hard I screamed and tried, my body wouldn't move,

'I think you understand quite clearly what I've done, don't you.' Despite my scream, Hisoka's lips were still next to my ear. But I barely heard what he was saying. 'It would've been a waste to see you destroy yourself physically. Now you can put your priorities in order before taking any further action.' I didn't know anything anymore at that point. 'I'll gladly take you on again after you've healed. I do like your potential.'

My heart was beating out of my chest, but I didn't feel any of those beats. Everything that had happened the past weeks hit me full force, and my body was bursting to let that energy out, but I couldn't… I really couldn't move an inch… this isn't happening…

Hisoka forced my jaw open when he noticed I was starting to get willing to bite my own tongue off, and I heard some pitiful cries exit my throat.

'Hm, I do believe you've learned your lesson by now.' He leaned back up, and threw me over his shoulder to get me treated. All I could do at this point was press my face against his back to make sure no cries could be seen or heard while walking through the hallways to the infirmary. I always thought that being paralyzed by emotions was something for the weak. But even if I'd regained use over my limbs again that very moment, I wouldn't have been able to do anything, would I? I wanted to crawl back into a corner and disappear. Just fall back in the shadows, because it hurts too much. But I couldn't. Even though there's nothing left for me, I… I just can't…

I don't want to be forced to feel all of this, I need to have my distraction, I…

Gon…

I can't do this anymore…

A/N

._.
I have no excuse.
*pulls open coat to reveal a giant bullseye around her heart*
Feel free to take your best shot

*not even the sad part I was talking about couple chapters ago*
*I'm sorry*
*Hands Kuronue tissues, a box of kittens and a shock blanket* I MAY HAVE MY MURDERING TENDENCIES, BUT I CAN'T EVEN HURT A FLY. And thank you for all the compliments, I do love me a good amount of Hisoka anywhere xD *Hands you more kittens*
*kittens all around*