I suck at updating and it is because I couldn't decide on how to split this up into chapters soooo... here it is, all 5000 words worth. Please be kind-and I will try to update soon!
Please leave me your comments!
"Your boyfriend has two minutes and we are leaving without him." Hank said setting down his now empty mug and grabbing his jacket.
"Don't get your panties in a twist I'm ready." Jay said walking past them all with a smirk and walking out the door towards the truck.
Not two minutes after arriving at the station Hand got a call that Kelly Severide was a part of a hit and run and to take over the case, "Lindsay with me." He said walking out of his office, "Severides car was involved in a hit and run. Halstead, Ruzek go to Med. Al you take Atwater and go to the scene." He said handing a sticky note with the address to Al.
In the car with Hank, Erin looks down at her hands, "Saw Kelly at Mollys last night...he seemed okay...better than the last time I saw him anyway."
"Hit and run doesn't sound like him." Hank told her.
"Herman didn't think so either...but I guess he called out of his shift and they hadn't heard from him since a Clark guy told him the girl he donated his bone marrow to took a turn for the worse."
"Heard he did that...haven't talked to him much since his spiral after Shay was killed."
"You going to be okay with this case?"
"Yeah. Hopefully he will talk to me."
"Herman asked for us specifically...didn't know he had my cell."
"Between Gabi and Casey I am sure they all have it."
"You and Kelly...that going to mess with Halstead's head?"
"Shouldn't." Erin said, "Jay likes him...and you have never asked if going to Molly's...with Gabi messes with me."
"You gonna tell me how to get to his place?"
"Coulda just let me drive." Erin smirked before directing him there.
Erin and Hank both started banging on the door and just as Erin was about to go to the fire extinguisher they heard a muffled, "I'm coming" from inside. Seeing the looks on both of their faces when he opened the door he asked, "What's wrong?"
"Kelly what are you doing?" Erin asked, seeing him beat up and smelling of whiskey.
"What do you mean?" He asked still in a fog.
"Look, you better grab a jacket."
"You gotta come with us."
"I'm not going anywhere." He said, head pounding. "What is this? What is this all about?"
"Kelly, you can either come with us now or wait for some uniforms come down here and put you in cuffs." Hank told him.
"What happened? What did I do?" He asked Erin. She recognized the lost look in his eyes and really believed he didn't know.
"Erin take him there. I will have Halstead swing by and pick me up once he uniforms get here to do their search."
"Search? Search for what? What did I do?" Kelly asked fighting the tears in his eyes.
"Erin take him. Record him in the room. By the book."
"Come on Kell." She said grabbing a change of clothes for him from the bedroom before taking his arm and leading him out of his apartment.
Once they were in the truck Erin speed dialed Jay so they had an open line, risky, but this way if he said anything they could get the jump and figure out what happened. Kelly leaned his head back and covered his eyes with his hand, "After Jeff said they were stopping the chemo I just went to..."
"To drink it away? Yeah... I can smell that."
"I don't remember...Lindsay what did I do?"
"Your car was involved in an accident...51 was on scene. Herman called Hank."
"I've been home...was passed out on the couch when you..."
"How'd you got home?"
"I...I don't remember." He said trying to clear through the fog, "My car... other people...did someone get hurt?"
"Yeah...pretty bad I guess...Kelly please think hard. We have to go by the books on this one but...whatever happened...please talk to me."
"Truth Lindsay...I don't remember...my head though...I don't have bruising from the lap belt...I would remember crashing...my car...how bad is my car?"
"Your car Kelly? It's trashed. Herman didn't believe it either...which is why we've gotta go by the books. You have your keys?" He reached into his pocket and shook his head. "Do you need to go to med?"
"No...feel fine...except my head..." he said running his hand through his hair, "I don't fucking remember...classic Benny..."
"Kelly you aren't your Old Man."
"If I hurt these people...killed them? I couldn't just leave an accident...even if I was drunk it just isn't...but God...fuck...I really don't remember anything after walking out of the bar."
"Kelly..."
"I wish Shay was here..." he said leaning his head against the window and shielding his face from her.
Erin knew he didn't do it...his car was his baby...he was heart and soul a good guy. "You be honest with me, I will be honest with you...my unit has your back." She said reaching over and squeezing his arm.
"Need you." He whispered.
Erin pulled into the next lot she saw and parked, pulling him into her where his tears quickly soaked into her shoulder. "When this is all over you will talk to me...all of this...your self doubt...I've got your back, okay?"
"You are with Halstead now." He said pulling back.
"Let me make this clear... I can be your friend and be with Jay...and I've got my friends backs. You and I...we will get you through all of this. I promise."
"Shay was my..."
"May feel like you are alone since Shay was killed but I can guarantee you that everyone at 51 has your back."
"Yeah cuz I can go walk up to Herman or Mouch and cry into their shoulder. I am suppose to be a leader...their boss..."
"You've been there for Casey...and Boden. They would do anything for you."
Kelly just shook his head. "Just feel alone...like I am a waste of a human...that's why I wanted to help her...to actually do something for someone else for a change."
"You save people every time you go to work, how can you possibly think that you don't help others?"
When Kelly shrugged his shoulders and put his hand over his eyes again Erin pulled him back to her shoulder, "Since Shay...I just don't know how to...to function..." he cried into her shoulder. "If I left an accident...I just..."
When Jay pulled up to the scene Hank walked up to his car and could hear Severides hiccuping sobs over the speakers. "My end is muted. He didn't do it Sarge...whatever happened...we owe him."
"Where are they?" Hank asked climbing in.
"Pulled into a lot at mini mart a couple blocks from the station." Jay answered.
"Kelly I need you to breathe..." they heard her whisper to him. "There you go, relax for me...we've got you." A couple minutes later there was rustling over the speaker, "You good to go?" Erin asked.
"Need you." He said shakily.
"When we get to PD I have to go by the books. Video interviews written testimony..."
"Need you." They heard him whisper.
"We've got your back." Erin said and Jay and Hank saw her car begin to move on the gps.
Her phone clicked off as they pulled into the lot. "You okay with her working the case?"
"Don't think he would run...guys in love with his car." He shrugged.
"I think she is too close."
"She broke it off with him Hank...no different than me hanging out at Mollys when Gabi is there."
"I don't like it." Hank huffed, earning a snicker from Jay.
"You raised her."
"Ass."
When they walked in Erin was camped out outside of the room with her arms crossed. "Didn't ask for a lawyer?"
"Not yet."
"You okay with this?"
"Yeah. Kelly and I dated for a minute. Not a conflict in interest for me."
"Uh huh."
"And the only reason he hasn't asked for a lawyer is because he knows I'm going to be in on the interview."
Hank stared her down before sighing and nodding. "Get your interview."
Erin walked into the room and stood in front of Kelly. "Take me through last night."
As he spoke she didn't really listen to his story, she was focused on his body movements, expressions, emotion. A few words stuck out and she was able to prompt him when needed...she was in and out throughout the day and she saw him retreat into his shell with each visit.
The last time she saw him before he was moved to the jail she wanted to pull him into her arms but she couldn't...by the books. The only chance in hell they had was to go by the books.
Between Kelly being a murder suspect and Bunny telling her that her real father was in town she was frazzled, short and off her game. She knew she had to keep everyone at arms length or she would lose focus so it surprised her when Jay told her he was sorry and didn't realize she was that close to Kelly...then the words started pouring from her mouth. He was happy she was finally talking to him about what was going on, but at the same time he was beyond pissed at Bunny for messing with her again.
"Erin when Kelly gets let go...you should be the one to tell him...to take him home."
"I don't need to take him home."
"He needs you." Jay told her with a tight squeeze on her hand. "He needs someone who cares about him."
"I love you." She said with tears in her eyes, "Kelly and I are from the same mold."
"You need me I will be hanging out with the crew at Mollys."
"Jay?"
"Yeah?"
"Thanks for understanding me." She told him.
Four hours later she was following Kelly into his apartment. "I don't need a babysitter." He mumbled sitting down on the couch. She slowly kicked her shoes off and made a detour to the kitchen grabbing two bottles of beer. Setting them both on the coffee table she plopped down next to him and turned wedging her toes under his thigh. "Thanks." He mumbled reaching forward and and taking a swig of the amber liquid before setting it back and sighing heavily as he leaned back into the cushion. He felt her eyes on him and as hard as he tried to hold it together a tear slid from his eye down his cheek.
When he felt her hand on his neck the dam broke and tears fell freely from his eyes, "You are not, nor will you ever be like your father." Erin said barely above a whisper. As the tears turned to sobs she pulled him into her and held his head into her neck. She gently tugged the short hair on the nape of his neck as she felt his tears soak into her shirt. He needed this. He needed it when Shay was killed, needed it when he got hurt, needed it when he sat alone at the bar...and he needed it when he was sitting in her interrogation room.
When his wracking stopped and his breathing evened out Erin pulled back so she could look at his face. When his eyes locked onto hers she leaned forward and kissed him softly on the forehead. "Promise me when you need a friend you will call me."
"Thank you for believing in me."
"You're one of the good ones Kell."
He gave her a sad smile and reached for the remote, turning on a home video of him and Shay, "Haven't been able to make it through." Erin nodded and pulled Kellys arm around her and leaned into him. "Didn't know she put this together...it just...I haven't been able to watch." He said as it sat on the title screen, a frozen image of their faces.
Erin took the remote from him, "If you need a break..." he nodded and leaned his head against hers as she pushed play. Erin could feel as he sucked in air hearing her voice. She felt his body shake and heard soft moans of pain as he finally was letting out some of his heartbreak.
Seeing the Kelly in the video, knowing the Kelly post Shay, she knew their bond was forever. A familial love, taken too soon. He had agreed to have a baby with her. They lived together. Worked together. Slept in the same bed together when things got rough. Erin sat still and silent as they watched until his grip on her got tighter.
She hit pause and curled her legs over his and wrapped her arms around him. He buried his face in her neck as he composed himself. A couple minutes later he nodded and she hit play gain but remained curled around him.
When it got to a clip of her whispering, holding a sleeping Kelly to her chest she felt him tense again, "Kelly, you lost someone in a fire today...a child...he was hiding behind a bed and ...well...with kids it is always hard...knowing someone with a heart as pure as yours, you never cease to amaze me. Don't you ever doubt yourself." She whispered in the video as his sleeping form let out a soft snore as he rolled himself over onto her with his face resting against hers. "If this doesn't work as proof that you are a snuggler I don't know what will." She said giving him a sideways kiss before the clip changed to one of them drunk on the couch joking back and forth.
When the video was over it went back to the image of their faces and Erin flipped off the tv. "I miss her." He admitted shakily.
"It's late." Erin whispered, pulling back slightly.
"Right...uh, yeah...you need to get back to Jay." He said jumping up from the couch and away from her.
She reached her hand up and grabbed his, "I'm not going anywhere. Just wondered if you wanted to get some sleep tonight."
"Can't sleep...not without...I...i can't sleep." He said pacing like a caged animal. She gave him a small smile and walked into his bedroom and pulled out a pair of his sweats and pulled off her tee reveiling a spaghetti strap tank and took them into the bathroom to change. She sent Jay a quick text that she was staying and as soon as he replied she stepped out. Kelly had traded his jeans for sweats, his shirt was on the floor and he was sitting on the edge of his bed, his head in his hands.
She walked over and shut off the overhead light leaving them in a soft glow of the light coming from the living room. "The dreams...reliving her dying...they go away and then come back...now with the bone marrow shit...she has a full life and now just because of a fucking blood test she can't have the surgery that will save her."
Erin walked around and crawled under the blankets of the queen size bed. He eventually laid down next to her, shoulder to shoulder and she reached her hand over and took his. "God I fucking miss her."
"You let her hold you when you needed it...I know I'm not her and I would never be able to come close to replacing her...but I'm here Kell...tonight you don't have to be alone." She said softly and he rolled over to face her and she reached her arm under his neck and pulled herself closer to him. Their positioning was very intimate but not at all sexual, he rest his head on her shoulder and tucked his leg over hers and she knew it was the same way he was laying in the clip with her. "You are safe." She whispered to him and instantly felt him relax into her.
With the arm she had under his neck she began gently scratching his back and he snuggled his face further into her neck. Feeling his ragged breathing she knew he was crying. She reached her other arm around him and held him tight against her and started singing, "there'll be days your heart don't wanna beat, you pray more than you breathe and you just wanna fall to pieces and nights, those two am calls where dreams become walls and you need to break? Break on me. Shatter like glass. Come apart in my hands. Take as long as it takes..."
She didn't even make it through half of the song before he had cried himself to sleep, another verse before she heard a soft snore escape him. With a soft moan he pushed himself into her and rolled so his legs were between hers and his arms were outstretched across the bed. She snickered slightly when a louder series of snores escaped him and he picked up his head and he dropped his face, mouth open onto her cheek. With him that relaxed on her she ran her fingers through his hair and traced the lines on his face. "Kelly?" She whispered.
A deep breathe and snore followed by a mumbled, "mmmmmhmmmm."
"You are not your father."
"Mmmmscaredshay..." he mumbled incoherently.
"Scared of what Baby?" Erin asked as she continued to trace her hands up and down his back. He picked up his head and with glazed eyes stared through her before he dropped his head back down, this time his mouth open on her chin and his neck at an uncomfortable angle pulling his left arm towards him and putting his hand on his face making his head drop onto her chest. "Scared of what Baby?" She asked again.
Kelly inhaled a shakey breath and moaned before relaxing back into her. "Shaydontdie." He mumbled tensing as he exhaled a snore, "ComebackShayneedyou." He said rocking up onto his knees and pushing his teeth and open mouth onto her collarbone. Erin could feel his tongue against her as he loudly cried into her.
"Kelly?" Erin said as she pulled back forcing him back into a laying position and he squeezed his arms tightly around her tucking his hands under her backside and pushing himself into her and flopping his head to her other shoulder. "Shay is gone Baby." Erin whispered.
"Don't leave me!" Kelly yelled as he sprung bolt upright and stood on the bed before crumpling into the fetal position at the foot of the bed, eyes wide open and tears streaming out.
Erin, heart breaking for him, crawled over to him and ran her fingers along the tear tracks until heralded and his eyes drifted closed. "Kelly?"
"Mmmmhmmm." He mumbled.
"Come back and lay down up here." She said taking his hand and giving it a tug.
He rolled onto his back and stretched his arms up over his head. "Erin?"
"Yeah Baby." She said, "Come here."
"I can't...every night...I close my eyes and see the beam fall on her..."
"Do you trust me?" Kelly nodded. "Come here." He crawled over to her. "Say goodbye to Shay."
"I can't."
"Kelly."
"How?" He said tears streaming down his face.
"She will always be in your heart." Erin told him as she pushed her hand against his chest. "Shay was killed. She isn't coming back."
"I need her." Kelly sobbed like a small child. "Shay I need you! Shay? Shay!" It made her stomach ache seeing him this broken.
"Baby look at me." She said taking his face in her hands. With hiccuping sobs he looked at her. "Kelly I need you to repeat after me okay?"
"Okay?"
"Shay."
"Shay."
"I loved you."
"I loved you."
"I will never forget you."
"I will..."
"Never forget you."
"Never forget you."
"I need to move forward."
"I need to move forward."
"Goodbye."
Kelly stared at Erin and she nodded again, "Bye Shay." He whispered falling into Erin's arms completely and utterly exhausted.
"I am here okay? I can stay as long as you need. If you have a rough day all you have to do is call."
"I am scared."
"And that is okay." She told him hugging him tight.
"You will stay tonight?"
"All night."
"I can really call if..."
"Yes." She answered as he rolled onto his back.
"Sorry I'm so...uh...attached." He said staring up at the ceiling.
Erin rolled over and put her head on his chest. "Nadia...she believed in touch...most people shy away from physical affection except with husbands wives or like kids but she...she would give you a hug first think in the morning...before bed...she would grab your hand...even if it was just for a second...skin touching skin...for something other than sex. Was weird as fuck when I first met her...but after she was gone...our unit...my family...we freaking have slumber parties after a rough case... hell Hank held Jay the other night when a case hit too close...Jay saved Hank from shooting himself in the damn head...before Justin was killed...and after..."
"Shay did that...would crawl into my bed...Gabi has tried...tried to hug me...when she catches me staring at the photo in the hall...just hurts so bad that it's not her...it will never be her..." he said taking a shakey breath in.
"Losing your best friend sucks."Erin told him, "But you can't just stop letting people in."
"Shay and I... she was my family. We were going to have a baby together...be a real family. Feels like if I start to think about her or cry that I won't be able to stop."
"You were a real family. It is okay for you to miss her...and be open about when something makes her come to the forefront of your thoughts...talk about her...share her memory with other people who also miss her." Erin yawned and closed her eyes.
"Think you and Shay would have gotten along really well." Kelly said pulling his arm around Erin.
"Goodnight Friend."
Erin woke up with the sun streaming through the open shades, Kelly still dead to the world. She slowly crawled out of bed and grabbed her phone from the side table before making her way out of the bedroom. Hitting speed dial she called Jay, who of course answered on the first ring. "I am going to take him up to the cemetery today. Can you get ahold of Antonio and Gabi and have them meet us there around noon? Maybe Casey or Boden?"
"Herman is the one who called Hank. Think he should be there too."
"He has been hurting for so long."
"Ruzek or Dawson?"
"Combo. They were family...were trying to have a baby together."
"Thought she liked chicks."
"She did."
"Then why...?"
"Family...they both needed family...and anyway can you just get ahold of them?" She is buried right by Nadia. Thought if he could see us..."
"Being a family he would see his family at 51. You are a good friend Er."
"Love you."
"See you at noon."
After she hung up the phone she wandered around his apartment, looking into a cabinet she found a box labeled Shay and she pulled it out. It was filled with framed photos of the two of them, their friends at 51, and a bunch of cds with different labels for different parties or events. She popped in a cd labeled 'My Lifesaver' into the DVD player and let the apartment be filled with song. It didn't take too long before Kelly's haggered figure appeared in the doorway and Erin walked over to him and put her arms around his neck, "Dance with me." The song playing was Joey McIntire's song Just the Way You Are.
When it ended he pulled back with tears in his eyes, "She made this cd after I found her on the bridge..." Erin led him over to the couch and turned down the volume slightly, "Wasn't too long after that we started talking about being a family...the day she died...we were so mad at each other...right before that fire though...we were good. Then she was gone."
"Did you see it hit her?"
"No...but I heard Gabi scream...tried CPR...they had to pull us off her..."
"We are going to go to the cemetery."
"No."
"Do you trust me?"
"Lindsay." He whispered resigned.
"Do you trust me?"
"I haven't gone since the funeral."
It took a little coaxing but a half hour later they were pulling through the gate. Erin parked her car at the base of the hill. Nadia was up to the left...Shay to the right. She went around to the other side of the truck and she took his hand and led him up the hill, She said a quick hello to Nadia, kissing her hand and resting it on the stone before turning and walking over to Shay.
"Hi Shay, I know we barely knew each other but I think we can both agree we at least have this guy in common. He has been struggling since you've been gone...and I'm sorry I haven't been able to help him like a friend should...but you are his family. That isn't something replaceable. Please help him to feel your presence...to see that he will always have you with him." Erin said her head facing the stone, her eye on Kelly's reaction. "Kelly can be dumb sometimes...you know he actually thinks he is like his old man? He is having a hard time listening to me when I tell him that though...thinks he should forever be lonely...that he doesn't deserve his family."
When Kelly dropped to his knees she got down on the grass with him putting her hand on his shoulder, "Shay this guy is so strong...too strong...too stubborn. Help me to take some of his pain away." Seeing the tears stream down his face she pulled him into her. Smiling sadly when she saw a caravan of cars pull up behind hers. Gabi and Casey walked up the hill first, seeing Kelly in a crumpled ball the tears began streaming down her face as she crouched down surrounding them. Casey sat down next to her, both reaching a hand over to Kelly's back.
Herman and Boden were close behind, followed by Jay and Antonio. "Sorry we havent been out her in a while...and sorry for slacking on this guy...we knew he wasn't okay...but he is so darn stubborn...you were the heart of our family...from the first day you came into the station." Herman said with tears in his eyes as he kissed Kelly's head over Erin's shoulder as he buried his face in her neck "Family needs to stick together."
Erin felt Kelly stiffen with each hand on him as he tried to control his breathing...and his tears. She pulled away slightly and he reached his arm around her holding her tight to him. "You don't need to hide from your family" she whispered, holding his head to her shoulder.
She gave him a couple more minutes to hide in her shoulder before nudging him. This time he slowly rolled so he was on his back in the grass, his head on her thigh. "Sev we may be at PD but we are all a family...goes for all of you...you need anything... Er is the best of us but we all have your back." Jay said sitting down behind Erin. "This hill...we've all got family here... Shay, Nadia...Voights family...my mom...spend a lot of time up here."
Kelly looked up at Erin, "I'm..." he whispered, eyes filling with tears. Erin looked around seeing pretty much everyone crying or at least with tears in their eyes. She saw Stella start to say something before sinking down into the grass next to Otis.
"It is hard to let people in." Erin quietly said to Kelly. When the rest of her unit arrived they started to congregate at Nadia's grave, Jay and Antonio being the last to step away.
When the rest of the crew from 51 arrived Kelly draped his arm over his head. "Sev, it is okay to let them see you struggle...makes you seem human." Casey told him.
He nodded slightly but didn't move his arm. Erin put a hand over the arm he had draped on his belly and ran her other hand through his hair. As the sun shifted in the sky people slowly retreated to Mollys. Jay nodded at Erin before walking down the hill with Antonio, Boden and Hank leaving only Casey and Gabi at Shays grave.
"How are you doing Kelly?" Gabi asked trying to tug His arm from his face. "We miss her too, you know?"
Hearing her voice as she cried he dropped his arm down, revealing tear stains from his eyes. "You...I...don't know how to live without her...you...how do you?" He struggled.
She didn't have an answer, not one she felt would help him anyway. Erin lifted him up so his head rest on her shoulder and she could wrap his arms around him. "We stick together when times get hard...we find a way too let someone in."
He nodded and shifted slightly so his face was against her arm. "Miss her." He sighed as he closed his eyes. Erin ghosted her fingers up and down his arm as his head dipped as he slipped into an uneasy sleep.
"Should he take furlough?" Casey asked, seeing his lips part in slumber.
"He needs a purpose...that is the only thing keeping him going." She said letting his head slide so it rest on her thigh.
"I didn't know he was so..." Casey mumbled.
"Don't think he realized either." Erin said, barely above a whisper.
"Should we get him home?" Gabi asked putting her hand on Kelly leg causing him to reel as if in pain.
He flipped over and grabbed into Erin as if she was his lifeline. "Need you." He cried as he gripped onto her shirt.
"Right here Baby." She whispered into his ear, rocking him side to side trying to get him to relax. Erin looked at the other two and saw Casey pull Gabi into him as she sobbed. "Where were you just now?"
"Warehouse...they uhhh...when they pulled me off..." he whispered shakily and she heard Casey and Gabi both suck in their breath.
"Where you were last night?" Kelly nodded. "We are with Shay right now." Erin said hugging him into her.
"Shay..."
"You need to let her go...that last moment...you've got to let go."
"Kelly?" Gabi reached out and put her hand on him again, Erin felt him tense but he didn't move. "She wants you to be happy."
"I...Erin can we...?"
"Yeah, we can go."
Casey nodded and squeezed Gabi's shoulder, "We will be at Mollys if you want to join."
The four stood up, Kelly somewhat unsteady and she put her arm around his back, Casey did the same and helped him down the hill to her awaiting truck. "Where too?" She asked once they were alone in the truck.
He leaned his head back on the seat and sighed, "Can you just drive?"
Erin smiled and reached over and took his hand. "Drive it is."