"Daddy" Lizzy's whisper breaks through my sleep.

I open my eyes and she's crawled up into the bed with me. The clock shows that it's 3am and I can make out, faintly, that she's been crying.

"What's wrong princess?"

"Bad man" she tells me and throws herself at me.

I gather her into my arms and under the covers. It took me a while to fall asleep after my session with Paula. Thoughts kept whirling around in my head, over and over, and I couldn't settle. Now my baby girl has woken me up because she's had a bad dream. Usually I would cuddle with her until she's settled and then take her back to her bed. Tonight, I can use some comfort too so I lie back against the pillows and pull Lizzy into my arms. Her hand instinctively goes to my chest and rubs over my heart as I did earlier when talking with Paula. Lizzy might not be my blood but she is my daughter.

"It's ok baby. You want to stay with daddy tonight?"

"Yeah" she sniffs and cuddles in.

I can tell that she falls asleep instantly. If only sleep would find me as easily but it doesn't.

I grab my phone off the side table and decide to see if Mac's awake too.

'Are you awake' I text.

She doesn't text back for the longest time so I put the phone down. It buzzes as soon as I let it go so I pick it back up.

'Yeah' she texts back.

'Are you at home or the hospital'

'Hospital, didn't want to leave dad alone tonight'

'Has there been any change'

She doesn't text back right away and I get worried. Finally, my phone vibrates again.

'No, that's the problem'

'Oh, there's nothing they can do?'

'They did an MRI today and he has no brain function at all'

Oh no. I don't know a lot but that doesn't sound good.

'What does that mean Mac?'

'They want to meet with me tomorrow afternoon to discuss IT'

Curious about the capital letters on 'IT', I text back 'what do you mean?'

Again there is a really long pause. It's hard to just wait. I almost consider calling her when my phone vibrates.

'They want to talk about turning off the ventilator and let whatever happens, happen'

'What do they think will happen?'

'He's not going to wake up Sid, turning off the ventilator will kill him'

Oh my God! She has to make the decision about killing her father. This goes from bad to worse for her. My heart aches.

'Oh Mac, I'm so sorry'

'It's ok, he wouldn't want to be like this, he even wrote a living will so that I would know what he wanted if this happened'

'At least you know it's what he wants'

'Yeah, I guess'

'Is your family with you?'

'No, I told them to go home so I could spend some time with him alone'

'I wish I could be there with you'

Again she's silent for a while, a long while.

'Thanks' is all she says.

'No, really, I want to be there for you'

'I appreciate it but there's nothing you could do'

It goes through my head that I could be there to support her and take care of her. She needs someone who can take care of her.

'Do you need anything?'

'Just you asking helps, thanks, why are you up?'

'Lizzy had a bad dream, she's curled up beside me now sleeping'

'You're such a soft touch'

'I know, I really need to learn to say no'

'I don't think you're spoiling her by letting her stay with you one night Sid'

'I guess, I just needed her with me tonight'

'What's wrong?'

The woman is facing her father's death and she asks me what's wrong.

'Had an intense session with Paula'

'Good intense?'

How do I answer that? Was it good?

'It was illuminating'

'That's good then'

'I guess, anyway, Lizzy is exactly what I needed'

'A Lizzy hug will do that to you'

'Yeah, if I could send you one, I would'

'lol, how's Geno doing?'

I know what she's asking. Geno was destroyed that Russia didn't even medal. The gold was the only thing Russians expected from their hockey team with the Olympics being in Sochi. Being knocked out of the medals killed Geno and he hasn't played the same since.

'He's trying to cope'

'You should talk to him, you know what it's like to have the weight of the country on you from Vancouver'

'Yeah but we won'

'Yeah but still felt the stress, he needs you Sid'

'Ok, I'll find a way'

'Good'

We're both silent for a few moments. Mac breaks the silence.

'You should sleep, you guys travel to Montreal tomorrow, play the Habs the next day'

'Yeah, I guess, will you tell me if you need me? if I can do anything for you?'

'I will, night'

'Night'

I put the phone back on the bedside table and start thinking. I could leave after practice in the morning and take a plane to Toronto to be there for Mac. She needs to have someone with her if her father dies tomorrow. I can fluy to Montreal the next day and be there in time for practice.

I pick up the phone again and text Mario to make sure he's ok with it. I then send a message to the Pen's scheduling team for a flight to Toronto. If there isn't one directly after practice then I tell them to rent a plane for me. I want to spend as much time as I can in Toronto with Mac.

A few more texts and emails that I know no one will see until the morning, then I settle back into pillows, pull Lizzy closer to me and fall asleep.

I'm waiting in the room for the doctors. I didn't tell my aunt or cousins about the meeting purposefully. I love them, dearly love them, but they would only make this more difficult. They are so emotional and I feel even more stress when they're around. It may not be a nice thing to think but it's how I feel. This meeting is going to be brutal without them here never mind if they were.

The door to the room opens so I take a deep breath and turn. The air whooshes out of my lungs when I see Sid walk in. I can't think so I just act. In a second, I'm out of the chair, across the room and in Sid's arms. I can't even comprehend that he's here, why or how, but I take as much comfort as I can from his strong arms and warm body.

Eventually, we pull apart and look into his eyes. He looks so sad and worried. About me?

"You're here" I say.

"Yeah" he replies.

Sid presses his lips lightly to mine and I take as much solace in that soft kiss as I did his having his arms around me. I didn't realize how much I really needed him here until he was.

"Thank you" I whisper and lean my forehead against his.

"You don't need to thank me Mac. I want to be here for you; whatever you need."

I am stopped from replying because the door opens and three of the doctors who have been working on dad come in. They look surprised when they see Sid but cover it up quickly. This isn't the time for autographs or celebrity.

"Hi Mac, let's sit down" the heart specialist says and gestures to the table and chairs in the room.

I take Sid's hand in mine and we sit at the table with the doctors. I hold Sid's hand in my lap with both of mine hanging on like he's my only life line. It feels that way too.

"Mac, we've been doing a series of tests on your father today. There are protocols to follow even after an MRI to confirm our results. All of our tests have turned out the same. I'm sorry Mac but your father has no brain function, he can't breathe on his own and he will never wake up. He was without oxygen for too long during surgery when his heart stopped beating."

He pauses and I try to understand the information. Essentially my dad is dead and the machine is the only reason he's still breathing. There is nothing to heal, no amount of time can make it better, we're at the end.

"Ok" I say and feel Sid's hand squeeze mine. "So the choice is if we take him off the ventilator or let it keep him alive for however long it does, right?"

"That sums it up Mac, yes." The cardiac doctor confirms.

The woman at the table, who I haven't noticed until now, leans forward to speak.

"Mac, my name is Mary Root. I'm a physician and support our giving program at the hospital. This is an incredibly difficult time for you and your family. There is one more piece of information we'd like you to have before making your decision."

Another piece of information? The giving program? Fuck. Are they really going to ask Sid for a donation to the hospital? They didn't even know he was here.

Then I get it. When she says 'giving,' she's referring to his other organs. He is an organ donor.

"Mary, his heart wouldn't be, well, used. What else is there?" I ask.

"He has many other strong organs; kidneys, liver, retinas."

"Of course" I reply. "Dad would definitely want to help others. We'll do that, definitely." I pause for a moment and then look back to the cardiac doctor. "What do we do now? Do we just turn off the machines?"

"Mac" Sid says and I turn to him. "You don't have to decide right at this moment. You can take some time."

I take in his words but know what I need to do. "No, the decision has been made. Dad did it when he signed a living will and it's only technically my decision because I have power of attorney. It's what he wanted."

I turn back to the doctor and ask "how do we do this?"

It's Mary who answers me. "There are forms to sign, many forms unfortunately, and then we can take care of the rest. You don't have to be there."

"No" I tell her. I've surprised even myself with my strong reply. "I want to be there when you turn off the machines."

"Mac, no, that would be way too hard on you" Sid says.

I pull his hand up to my lips and kiss it. "Sid, I have to be there for him. It's something I need to do."

"Ok" is all he says.

I look back at Mary and she says "you can definitely be there Mac."

I nod. The doctors excuse themselves and Mary tells us that she'll be back soon.

"Are you sure Mac?"

I turn to Sid and give him what I know is a very weak smile.

"Yeah, I'm sure. I don't want to lose him but he's already gone. Oh Sid, this must bring up the most horrible memories for you. I understand if you can't stay, really."

A very strange look passes over Sid's face. It's not sadness or pain but I can't pinpoint exactly what it is.

"I'm fine Mac. I want to be here with you. Tomorrow morning I'll fly up to Montreal and be there in time for practice."

I completely forgot about the game.

"Ok" I tell him and any other conversation is prevented by Mary coming in.

She is very kind as we go through the paperwork. There are quite a few documents for me to sign. I'm barely conscious of what each document is for or why I need to sign it.

Eventually, we're done and Mary escorts us to dad's room. He's in a private room now and the only sound is the machines. He looks like himself and yet he doesn't.

I go to his side and Sid pulls up a chair for me. Sitting, I hold dad's hand and try to process what's about to happen. I feel Sid's hands on my shoulders and his warmth behind me. I lose track of how long we stay, just like this, with me holding my father and Sid holding me.

"Mac" I hear softly from the doorway. "Would you like more time? There is no rush" Mary tells me.

I consider asking for more time but the kind of time I want is with my daddy; joking, skating, cuddled together on the sofa watching It's a Wonderful Life. This isn't the time I want to draw out.

"No Mary, let's do this now please."

"You're sure" Sid whispers in my ear.

I only nod.

A doctor and a nurse accompany Mary to my father's bedside. They check his blood pressure, heart rate and other things I'm not even sure of and really don't care. Mary explained that there is a process they need to follow by regulation and law.

After everything that they need to do has been done, Mary turns to me.

"Mac, this is what's going to happen. We will turn off the ventilator and then remove the tube from his throat. The monitors will all be left on and might make different noises. Please remember, this may not mean that he passes immediately. Sometimes, it can take a little while. All of our tests tell us that it should happen quickly but it isn't a certainty. That will not mean that we were wrong about the diagnosis. Ok?"

I only nod. It seems that I can't talk.

"Do you want another minute with him?"

I nod, stand up and kiss his cheek.

"Goodbye daddy" I whisper in his ear and then sit down again.

Sid's hands return to my shoulders and I can feel his strength seep into me.

"Ok?" Mary asks softly.

I only nod.

The doctors do their thing now exactly as Mary explained it. First the ventilator is turned off and then they unhook the tube and remove it from his throat. When she was explaining it, I wondered why they would take it out; but, seeing him without the breathing tube makes him look like my dad again and not sick and dying.

Mary was right with her prediction. Not a minute goes by before the heart monitor starts making horrible noises and then the blood pressure machine too. The nurse presses a button on each that doesn't turn them off but does get rid of the noises. I watch dad for any sign of life but there's nothing there anymore.

The heart monitor shows a single line and the pulse is zero. His blood pressure reduces slowly until it hits zero too. I think of the oddest things watching dad die. I remember him yelling at me when I let a forward through to get a winning championship goal. I remember his huge smile the first time I won the Olympic gold medal and then the second. I remember this past Christmas when he told me that he loved me. I can't remember if I said it back.

The doctor listens to dad's chest with stethoscope and then makes a note on a piece of paper. He looks at the clock and then writes something else down. Both he and the nurse quietly leave the room.

Mary softly says "Mac, you can stay if you wish. You do not need to leave immediately."

Now I can only shake my head. There is nothing to stay here for because he's gone.

"Ok Mac, we'll take care of everything from here according to the details you have provided us. Please call me should you need anything. My deepest sympathies to you, both."

Mary touches my arm briefly and then leaves us.

"Do you want to stay for a bit Mac?" Sid asks me.

I look up at him and shake my head. He helps me stand and waits as I gather my things. I watch as he grabs a bag that I didn't know he had with him. As we walk away, Sid pulls me close to his side with his arm around me.

"Do you have a car?" he asks.

I have to think about that for a few moments until I remember that I drove dad's car.

"Yeah" I tell him and I press the parking garage button in the elevator. When we get to the car, I hand Sid the keys and get into the passenger side of the car.

We have about an hour long drive to my dad's home so I give Sid directions for the highways and then call my aunt to tell her dad passed. She is upset, of course, and then is worried about me being alone. She feels better when she knows I have a friend with me. She probably thinks it's one of the girls and I don't have the energy to explain anything different to her. Thankfully she agrees to call the rest of the family for me and let them know of dad's passing. Tomorrow we'll talk about when we'll have the funeral and those details. I just can't deal with it tonight.

When Sid gets off the highway, I give him directions to navigate the side streets until we reach the house. It's dark out when we get there. I didn't think to leave a light on so I fumble a bit in the dark.

After hanging up our coats, we both head to the kitchen. That's when I realize that Sid hasn't eaten in hours. He's got to be starving.

"Let me make you something to eat Sid" I tell him.

"Mac, don't do that, I can take care of it."

"Sid, I need to be busy right now, ok?"

He nods and sits at the kitchen table while I go to the fridge and get roasted chicken, veg and dumplings my aunt made for me. Warming it up keeps me busy and helps me work out some nervous energy. When it's ready, I put the plate in front of him and get us each a bottle of water.

"You need to eat too Mac."

"I can't Sid."

He doesn't argue. Instead he digs into the food; yeah, he was starving. Within minutes, the food disappears and Sid insists on helping me with the few dishes.

When we're done, we don't even talk about it. Sid follows me down the hall and to my childhood bedroom. Thankfully I got a double bed when I was a teenager. Sid uses the master bathroom to get cleaned up and I use the one off my bedroom.

I feel like I have smelled like the hospital for days so I have a shower. Clean and feeling more like myself, I slather on some face cream. Looking in the mirror, I notice my nose that is a replica of my dad's. Was a replica of dad's. He's really gone. He's really gone.

I sink to the lip of the tub and completely break down. I'm so lost that I don't even notice that Sid has come into the bathroom until he's scooped me up in his arms and I'm cuddled against his naked chest.

Once we're in my bedroom, Sid turns off the lights except for the soft one in the far corner. He pulls the towel from my hair and gives it a rub to dry. He pulls the towel off from around my body and then pushes a Pens tee shirt over my head. He's ready for bed wearing only his shorts.

Sid tucks me in and then climbs into the opposite side of the bed. As soon as he's in the bed, he pulls me immediately into his arms. I feel empty, completely emotionally spent and I need to feel something other than sadness.

I slide up his body so that I can capture his lips with mine. We slowly kiss and I feel Sid's hand sliding slowly up and down my back. I try to take the kiss deeper but he won't let me.

"You need sleep" he whispers.

"No" I tell him. "I need you to make love to me."

I can make out his eyes in the faint light of the room and watch them soften. He nods and then slowly reverses our positions so that he's leaning over me. I feel the warmth of his body against mine and finally the chill leaves my body. As his lips slide over mine, I would swear that he's doing exactly what I asked; he's making love to me.