Disclaimer: I do not own anything Final Fantasy-related.
Act 37: The Final
And so, the crew enters the insides of Sin's body. The airship lands itself on the ground.
The crew descends.
Rikku: Eew! The floor's all squishy and wet!
Lulu: Ugh! My dress is dragging onto it…
Wakka: Eek! I can't handle all this squishiness at once!
Tidus: My shoes-s-s!
Kimahri: (Growls) Kimahri no wear shoes…
Auron: So this is how the insides of a whale looks like…
Yuna: (Holds her nose) It stinks.
Cid: (Over the speakers) Ok children! Come back in an hour or so!
All: What? Why?
Cid: Cause I have to give the airship a good bath! (He is on top of the airship on the roof actually, and is scrubbing it with a toothbrush.) Go on! I'll be done in an hour after you guys defeat Yu Yevon!
All: … With a toothbrush!?
Rikku: He must not be able to afford any window washers…
Tidus: Sure he can. He just needs to lure them over with tacos and burritos.
Auron: Hey… I've been fooled!
Wakka: Why, Sir Auron?
Auron: The insides of a whale look like…an endless sky full of clouds, waterfalls, and glass floors.
All: …
Yuna: Someone order a subscription of National Geographic for him.
Auron: Ooh! New magazines!
Lulu: Do we venture deeper?
Yuna: Duh! Use your brains, not boobs Lulu.
Lulu: (Growls)
Tidus: Why would Yu Yevon be in a place like this, Yuna?
Yuna: Uh…cause the Fayth said so?
Tidus: But it's the insides of a whale!
Yuna: Ok first off, this isn't a 'whale'. Second, didn't you listen to what the Fayth said throughout the game?
Tidus: No. You know you didn't either.
Yuna: …Yea, I know.
Wakka: This place is weird though. It's more of an endless maze than the insides of a whale.
Rikku: Yea. Have you guys checked out the mini map? (Points to the top left corner) We're getting nowhere!
Auron: It's time for…-
All: No Samurai Monthly maps!
Auron: What are you guys talking about? (Pulls out a Final Fantasy X walkthrough) Who would use such a thing? Yeesh.
All: You!
Auron: Hmm… Alright gang, follow me! This way please! (Walks off with the book in his hands)
All: …
Rikku: Should we…
Tidus: …follow him?
Yuna: It's a cheat. He might be onto something. Onwards! (Follows Auron)
(And so, with Auron actually doing something useful with his life- the gang follows him through this crazy maze.)
Tidus: Ooh! Look! Treasure!
Rikku: (Gasps) Hold me back guys! I suffer from kleptomaniac-ism!
Auron: Hey! (Touches his hips frantically) Where's my sake jar?!
Rikku: (Looks in her hand) Oh. I'm holding it for you…for some reason… Heheh…
Auron: (Glares at her and snatches it back from her) Are you alright, my precious-s-s-s?
All: …
Yuna: This place is strange. There are random waterfalls everywhere…
Auron: Well, this guidebook here tells me that these paths are random. If we try to grab a treasure chest, we can't go up or down the same way we can from. We'd have to go around again.
Lulu: And…we already have a victim.
All: 'Victim'? (They all turn to see Rikku sliding down the little waterfall, trying to swim back up frantically to touch the treasure chest.)
Rikku: (Cries) G-go on without me! I'm suffering from kleptomaniac-ism!
Everyone leaves Rikku to her helplessness.
Rikku: H-hey, wait up guys! (She gets up immediately and chases after them.) I can change! I'll seek help! Please don't leave me-e-e!
The crew continues their perilous journey through the Sea of Sorrow, aka the insides of Sin.
Tidus: Hey, you guys. Is it just me, or is this the really last act?
Lulu: What 'last act'?
Tidus: Well, the authoress hasn't touched this story for a long, long time, and apparently this is the last chapter she should've been working on before. Do you know how old this game is?
Wakka: Well, humor never grows old if anything. She's really stepped up her game since the first act, mon.
Auron: Yea, remember how she used to write using those stupid smiley faces? I mean, it's a fan fiction for god's sake! You don't use smiley faces in a fan fiction story!
Tidus: Hey, your sake is missing again.
Auron: Gah! (He starts searching his hips frantically again.)
Tidus: Karma much?
Kimahri: Kimahri no like "good bye's". (Shakes his head)
Rikku: Aw, cheer up! It's not "good bye" because there's a sequel!
Lulu: Well, the only ones who don't get to appear in the sequel are Tidus and Sir Auron anyway.
Tidus and Auron embrace each other and cry.
Rikku: Is Auron crying because he doesn't get to appear in the sequel, or that he just found out that his sake bottle broke? (He points to Auron's wet, soaked leg.)
Lulu: I'm willing to bet my gil that it's on the sake.
Yuna: Hmph!
Lulu: What is it now, Yuna?
Yuna: That's alright. I don't have to see anymore sniveling imbeciles in my future embarks then! (Flips her hair to the side)
Wakka: Aww. (Pokes her) Admit it, mon. You're gonna miss us!
Yuna: (Smacks his hand away) No I will not. I'm tired of you slowpokes who keep delaying my journey! Don't you know who I am? (She puts a hand on her chest.)
Tidus: I know you might pop that balloon-filled bra of yours.
They all laugh.
Yuna: Hah. Hah. Very funny. Just you wait! In 2 years, these will be bigger!
Rikku: She means the character developers decided to appease the male audience by giving her an extra cup size.
They laugh again.
Auron: (Clears his throat) Children! (Taps on his broken sake bottle to get their attention) Yuna is right. We will not be seeing each other again after this last act gets posted onto . Furthermore, I think we should all get into a group hug formation right now.
All: Why?
Auron: (Starts sniffling) B-because…I have a dependency disorder on you guys! Wah-h-h! (Cries into Lulu's chest)
Lulu: (Pushes him off) I guess he's always been dependent on the comfort of my chest as the best place to look at when I speak.
Rikku: Um, that's actually what all the men think.
Lulu: Shut it, flatty.
Rikku: (Gasps and cries into Kimahri's arms)
Kimahri: (Glares a Lulu and pats Rikku's back)
The crew eventually make their way to the foot of a staircase with a save sphere at it.
Tidus: Well, I would guess that this is the end of the line then.
Rikku: Our last battle together?
Auron: No more crazy singing trio?
Wakka: You mean quartet!
Tidus, Rikku, & Auron: No.
Wakka: (Cries)
They continue up the stairs to meet their archrival again- Seymour Guado.
Seymour: Ah, Lady Yuna! You have come to bestow your final presence onto me, Seymour Guado? I am quite honored.
Yuna: (Puts her palm to her face) I can't believe even in the last act we have to meet again, Seymour. Has anyone ever told you that you're very persistent in an obnoxious way?
Seymour: No one but you have bestowed such lovely words onto me before, Lady Yuna! Please! Say mean things about me some more!
All: Is he a machoist…?
Tidus: Why are you even here anyway? Are you trying to reenact the story of Pinocchio?
Seymour: (Chuckles) Why of course not, silly boy. Sin absorbed me, and now I have become part of him! I will learn to harness Sin's powers and will control him to do my biddings!
Auron: This must've been his plan from the start.
Seymour: And thanks to you, Lady Yuna, there is nothing to stop me anymore. You killed Yunalesca, which means there are no Final Aeons to stop Sin from causing destructing to all of Spira.
Yuna: Hmm. For some reason, I knew it was a bad idea.
Seymour: Lady Yuna, will you not join me to lead the destruction of Spira?
Yuna: Umm…no. I'm sick of your freaky dream fetishes, Seymour. I get nightmares just sleeping on the idea that you'd still be alive somewhere in this world. I'm going to take care of you once and for all!
And so the gang immerses in a battle against Seymour.
Tidus: Hey Yuna, why don't you try summoning that Aeon we got from Baaj Temple?
Yuna: Hm? Oh, that Aeon?
Seymour: Hm? What aeon?
Yuna: Haha… Stand back! (She summons her aeon.)
Anima appears and stares Seymour down.
Seymour: (Gasps) M-mama?
Anima: Oh, so my own little boy knows who his mother is now all of a sudden hm? Where have you been all these years?
Seymour: I-I've been…studying…under Father to become a proper Maester…
Anima: Lies!
Seymour: (Cringes) Eek!
Anima: Why haven't you come visit me even once at the temple? I didn't let you turn me into an Aeon just so you can freeload off my powers! What have I taught you all these years, huh!? What kind of a son are you, to be so disrespectful to the one who bore you? You know, back in my days, we would honor thy mother and father respectfully…
And so, Anima lectures Seymour to death about being a dutiful son. Seymour's HP count: 0. The battle with Seymour is finally over.
All: …
Tidus: Wow, that was uh…unexpected.
Anima: You are welcome, young ones.
Yuna: Thanks a lot. I always knew you'd be a great mother-in-law.
Anima: Oh. (Giggles) That's behind us all. Seymour got what he truly deserved. Now go; the fate of the world is still in your hands…
The crew is shipped to a place that looks like old Zanarkand.
Tidus: H-hey! This looks like home!
Auron: It is merely an illusion. Nothing will ever revive Zanarkand again.
The crew continues on through the confusing maze where they eventually are led to the area where the crystal spikes attack from the ground. They are then shipped to Zanarkand.
Tidus: This definitely looks like home now…
Auron: Let us meet our guest down there.
Tidus: 'Guest'?
The crew proceeds to see Jecht, waiting for them on a platform.
Tidus: Dad.
Auron: Jecht.
Jecht: Auron. Lady Yuna and company.
Yuna: Sir Jecht.
Tidus: H-hey, what about me, Dad?
Jecht: I'm glad to see that you have all made it here finally.
Tidus: Why is he ignoring me?!
Jecht: It's been too long.
Auron: Yes, it has.
Rikku: Eew… Don't tell me that there's going to be some type of "bromance" going on.
Auron and Jecht start crying.
All: ?!
Auron: W-we never really had a chance to go drinking again!
Jecht: A-are you still drinking that cheap Japanese liquor?
Auron: It's n-not cheap! They're expensive!
Jecht: Yea. I remember you used to spend all our savings on Japanese liquor.
Auron: Well, you always spent it on Al Bhed hookers.
Jecht: Hey hey, you get what you pay for, right?
All: …
Yuna: (Clears her throat) I think we should get on with this. Jecht, I am here to vanquish you!
Jecht: Ah, that's fine with me. It's been…too long.
Rikku: No more sappy stories please!
Tidus: Dad, I was singing for you! Didn't you hear it?
Jecht: Hm? Oh. Oh! Hey, who brought this kid here?
Tidus: Dad, I've been standing here all this time.
Jecht: Who brought him here? Gosh, I can't let him see me like this! No! Don't look! I am ashamed of myself… (Crawls into a little ball and cries)
All: …
Jecht: (Clears his throat and composes himself) Sorry. I get a bit emotional when I think I see my son. (Tears) I haven't seen him in so long!
Tidus: Dad, I'm right here.
Jecht: Oh. What?! Why are you here?
Tidus: I was the one who thought of the idea to sing the Hymn of the Fayth, Dad! Aren't you proud of me?
Jecht: Yea, kay whatever. I can't even hear it anymore. You wasted your time, son.
Tidus: (Gasps)
Yuna: Let's just do this.
Jecht: Bring it, little girl.
Jecht transforms into his Aeon form. The crew defeats him. Yay.
Tidus: Dad!
Jecht: Ugh…! (He falls to the ground where Tidus catches him.) Uh… Tidus? Is that you, my boy?
Tidus: Yes, yes it is, Dad! I'm right here. Don't worry. Everything will be fine.
Jecht: Ah… It's too late for me, Tidus. Nothing can save me now. I will be nothing but a dream…
Auron: We all are, Jecht.
Yu Yevon appears.
Tidus: You leave him alone!
Lulu: It's here.
Wakka: Oh man, oh man! I haven't even been able invest in a lifetime supply of coconut oil shampoo yet! I can't die now, mon!
Rikku: And I haven't been cured of my illness yet!
Wakka: What would that be?
Rikku: Being a kleptomaniac.
Wakka: Hey, where's my shampoo?
Rikku: … (Gives it back to him with a nervous smile)
Wakka: (Snatches it back from her with a glare)
Yu Yevon takes the crew to a place where no one else can be… It is the final frontier.
Yuna: Guys, remember the plan! I will summon the Aeons so he will merge with them.
Rikku: Then why did we bother to collect all the Aeons if we're going to just kill them?
Lulu: Hm. She's right, for once.
Wakka: God, why did we waste our lives doting on you and urging you to become the Final Summoner then? I could've been making babies with Lulu!
Lulu: I do not want your babies.
Wakka: Aw man.
Kimahri: Kimahri could've been living in the mountain.
Tidus: That's a loser's life, Kimahri.
Rikku: I could be seeing Oprah to cure me!
Wakka: She's cancelling her show.
Rikku: No-o-o-o-o! The world is lost! (Cries)
And the crew continues on with their mission. They kill all the Aeons which Yu Yevon merged with.
Tidus: Hey guys, I have something to say. After this battle is over, I'm going to disappear.
All: Oh, good riddance. Finally. No more Tidus. Party!
Tidus: What?!
Yuna: (Shrugs) You heard them.
And so, they defeat Yu Yevon finally. Hurray. Let the final scene unravel.
Yuna is sending all the Aeons to the Farplane, where they can finally rest in peace. Each one becomes a star in the sky, and the crew is amazed.
Unfortunately, Yuna's Sending is also ending Tidus' existence. She realizes this and turns around to look at his transparent body.
Tidus: Yuna, I have to go.
Yuna: (Shrugs) Ok.
Tidus: What? You're not gonna try and stop me?
Yuna: Why bother? You said you have to go, so just do it. I'm not stopping you, and neither is anyone else.
All: Yea. She's right. Nobody cares about you, Tidus. Good riddance. Bye. So long.
Tidus: (Cries) How come nobody likes me-e-e? (He turns to prepare to jump off the airship.)
All: Wakka!
Tidus: Huh? Gah!
Wakka tackles Tidus to the ground.
Tidus: Ew…get off! What's wrong with you? No homo!
Wakka: B-but I love you!
All: What?
Tidus: What happened to making babies with Lulu?
Wakka: That's just to cover up my homosexuality! Tidus, I love you! Don't leave me!
Tidus: Ok… Can we do a retake…?
Kimahri pulls Wakka off of Tidus with one arm, and grabs Tidus in the other.
Kimahri: Kimahri will send Tidus off. (He puts Wakka on the side and lifts Tidus with both arms over his head now at the edge of the airship.)
Rikku: Um, Kimahri?
Kimahri: This. Is. Spira-a-a! (Dumps Tidus overboard)
Tidus: Gah-h-h-h!
Tidus meets up with Braska, Auron, and Jecht as they fade away.
Yuna is seen whistling at the pier in Luca.
Lulu: Yuna, it's time.
Yuna: …Ok.
The airship picks Yuna up and takes her to the stadium where she makes her speech.
The End.