Chapter 36

I must be crazy. There is just no way this is really happening to me. I just met myself… and I'm in love with him. This feeling of love inside me is so strong that it makes me feel sick. Sick of myself, because this is just so wrong in all kinds of ways. And then we have Arthur of course. He's only one step distance between us. I want to take that distance away so badly, but I still can't move my body, or whoever this body belongs to. And the most shocking thing of all, Arthur's alive. By realizing that I want to cry my heart out.
I love you. In my whole life I've never wanted to say those three words so badly, but this body doesn't let me.
"Let's go brother," I hear someone say from far away.
I'm able to look away from Arthur's breathtaking appearance and look at Natalia. My lips smile for a little but it feels like my body is forcing me to do so.
"Of course," Ivan's voice inside me says.
Natalia smiles back and turns her face towards the two other men.
"Goodbye, see you tomorrow," she says happily.
I notice how she made it sound like she was saying goodbye to both of them, but actually only said goodbye to Arthur. I know I'm not the only one who noticed that. I see how Alfred, my other self or whoever he is, gets a bit hurt expression on his face. Then suddenly his eyes stare into mine. My heart skips a beat. This intense feeling of love inside me seems to have gotten twice as strong by only that one look. Just on the moment it's becoming too much for me, Alfred looks away from me and something inside me gets the control of this terrifying feeling. I keep staring at Alfred, hoping for him to look back at me, but on the same time hoping for him to disappear. The only thing which makes me look away from him is Arthur's voice.
"Yes, see you tomorrow," Arthur says to Natalia.
Natalia nods and walks away without saying goodbye to Alfred. What a bitch. What did I, no Alfred, did wrong to get ignored like that?
"Brother, what are you waiting for?" I hear Natalia say somewhere behind me.
I look around me and see how Natalia is waiting next to my black car.
"I'm coming," I speak with Ivan's voice.
For the last time I look at the two men in front of me. I see in Alfred's face that he already lost interest. He's looking around with a bored expression on his face. For some reason I feel a bit disappointed. Then suddenly I notice something I didn't notice before. Alfred looks so young. Now that I have a closer look I see how his shoulders aren't as broad as they used to be. He also look a bit smaller then the man I see daily at the mirror. Is he a… younger me?
Then slowly my eyes find Arthur's. Arthur is still paying attention. He tries to keep on smiling but I can see at his pose that he feels really uncomfortable. There is some tension hanging around us which wasn't there before. Did this tension appear because I was staring at Alfred for so long? I know I've got to go and apparently Ivan's voice inside me knows that too.
"It was a pleasure to meet you two. Maybe… we will meet again."
Without waiting for them to say something back I walk away. Natalia and I get into my car and I drive away. I try to not look back but I can't stop myself from doing it one more time. In the rearview mirror I can see how Arthur and Alfred are talking. Just before I lose my view of them I can see how they start laughing together. I get overwhelmed by the hate which swallows my heart. For a long time it's dead silence in the car. I almost forgot that Natalia is in here to.
"Say Natalia," the voice of the devil speaks.
"Yes brother?"
I try to concentrate on the traffic and having an conversation with Natalia on the same time but this hatred claiming my heart makes it hard to concentrate on even only one of these things.
"What do you know about that guy?"
A long pause falls. I can hear how Natalia is moving nervously on the back seat.
"Do you mean Arthur?" she asks with a little trembling voice.
"No, the other guy," Ivan says with such a dead voice it even creeps me out, even though it was my lips which formed these words.
"Um… not so much actually. I know that his name is Alfred and that he speaks with Arthur from time to time but… I guess that's all."
"From time to time you say?"
My fists squeeze harder in the steering wheel. I try to keep my eyes on the road but my view is getting blurred.
"Yes… I think so…" she almost whispers.
The rest of the drive we say nothing. I get a little shock when I see how suddenly Natalia's house appears. It looks really different from what I remember though. The house doesn't look old and poorly maintained. It actually looks really nice! When we are in front of her house I park my car and get out of it. Natalia follows quickly after me. I take a key out of my pocket and open the door. For a moment I thought it was one of the mysterious three keys but it wasn't. When I go inside the house looks so different. The curtains are open so that I finally can have a good look at the living room. The interior isn't really my style but I must say it has some class. There are some candles in here but none of them are lit, and most important, there is no altar. I make myself comfortable on one of the chairs and start reading a book. All those actions aren't mine. My body is still moving on his own will. My eyes are reading over the sentences, but I'm not really reading them. It starts to get darker so Natalia closes the curtains and puts on some lights. When she is done she starts standing in front of me. She doesn't say anything to disturb me but I know she wants too. I look up from my book.
"What is it Natalia?" Ivan asks.
I can see at her pose that she is a bit nervous but she also looks happy. She is holding something behind her back.
"I have something for you brother," she says.
My body lays the book away and rises up. I take a few steps forward until I'm standing in front of her.
"Really?" Ivan whispers.
Natalia looks into my eyes but then directly looks back at the floor. She takes the thing behind her and shows it to me. It a little packet packed into beautiful gift-warp. For a moment I just stare at it, but then I slowly take it out of her hands. Carefully I open the gift. I get the shock of my life we I the cool stone is laying on my palm. It's the pendant. It's the pendant Natalia described for me that day in the department of Murder Cases. A black smooth stone in the middle and two silver Angel wings on the sides, this is it.
"Please, accept my love," Natalia whispers with a lot of emotion in her voice.
For a moment I keep staring at the pendant, but then I close my eyes. I can feel the tension around. I want to take that tension away, but I know I can't. I open my eyes and take one of Natalia's hands. Carefully I lay the pendant on her palm. With big wet eyes she looks at the beautiful black in her hand. After some time of silence my lips form the most painful words I've ever said in my life.
"I'm sorry…"