Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures.

THE YEARNING

CHAPTER 37

SIX WEEKS LATER

In a silver four-poster bed draped with shimmering white net, Kathryn looked down at Chakotay as he slept. Her hair was loose, falling over a blue satin nightdress, and her face was speckled with freckles after weeks of exposure to the South Pacific sun. For a long time she gazed at him, taking in every feature as though she was seeing them for the first time, but then he stirred awake.

"Good morning," she smiled.

Chakotay smiled back. "Good morning."

Kathryn then kissed his lips and caressed his tattoo. "I've made us breakfast. Scrambled eggs and toast. But there's no rush as they're keeping warm."

Chakotay's eyes twinkled. "Have I overslept or is this Kathryn Janeway an impostor?"

Kathryn laughed. "Neither, I assure you. I was just up before you, for once, so thought I'd do the honors. But the eggs are replicated, the tomatoes too. I didn't want to set off any alarms."

"I think you're beyond that now, darling."

"When it comes to me and cooking, it's always better to be safe than sorry."

Chakotay laughed and then Kathryn reached behind herself and presented him with a red rose. "For you, Sir."

Chakotay took the rose with a smile. "Thank you. But what's the occasion?"

"None. I just wanted to say I love you."

Chakotay kissed the rose and handed it back to her. "Ditto."

Kathryn laughed. "Thank you, Sir." She then tossed the rose aside and lay on top of him. "So, what shall we do today? Go ride our trail this afternoon or go ride our trail?"

Chakotay smiled. "You can't stand it, can you?"

"What?"

"That you haven't won a single race against me yet."

Kathryn curled her lip and raised herself a little. "Speculation, Mister. I merely seek the thrill of the chase."

Chakotay tickled her ribs. "Admit it, Kathryn Janeway, you hate to lose."

"I don't," she laughed. "I don't."

Then, as she rolled onto her back and Chakotay rolled on top of her, tickling her still, she laughingly conceded.

"Ok, ok! I want to have you beat!"

At that, Chakotay stopped tickling. As he did, their mutual laughter dwindled and they gazed into each other's eyes. Tenderly, Kathryn reached up and traced the course of his tattoo, then she raised her mouth to his and kissed him. Chakotay kissed her back and Kathryn wrapped her arms around his strong body. For a long time they kissed, tenderly and deeply, then Chakotay drew away.

"Shall we eat?"

Kathryn nodded. "Let's eat."

With that, they climbed out of bed and put on their robes, but just as they were about to leave the room, the computer spoke. "Incoming message, Phoebe Janeway."

"Accept," Kathryn said, "audio only."

Seconds later, Phoebe spoke. "Hi, Kath. I'm to disturb you at this hour but there's a newspiece you must see. A friend of a friend passed it on so I'm sending it to you. I thought it was quite amusing and I hope you do too. Speak to you soon, Phoebe."

A bleep followed the message and then all went silent.

"I wonder what this newspiece is about," Kathryn said curiously. "Or rather, I wonder who. It's got to be someone we know. Maybe The Doctor. He's never off our screens these days. If he isn't doing some God awful chat show, he's on some quiz showing off his holographic brains." She addressed the computer. "Computer, display received media file, full screen with audio."

Almost immediately, a screen lit up on a wall and the face of a pretty blonde presenter filled it up.

"Hello there," the woman said, "welcome back to Who's Got The Goss? Joining me now is Loretta Preston and what an exclusive scoop she has for you!"

A black woman with plaited red hair appeared now and started talking immediately. "That's right! You might have thought I was taking it easy last week, that while I was sipping on fruit cocktails in the South Pacific, a story for you was the last thing on my mind. Well, you'd be wrong. Wherever I am, and whatever I'm doing, my mission is always the same...gossip, gossip, gossip! So, while I was cruising the ocean blue in one of the world's most luxurious liners, guess which famous couple, that are not a couple, I saw getting very cozy on a moonlit deck?

At this, Kathryn gave a sigh. "Oh, boy."

"You don't know and can't guess? Then I'll give you a clue. Early last year they made history by getting their ship home from the delta quadrant. That's right, Admirals Janeway and Chakotay."

A picture then filled the screen of an almost deserted deck in the moonlight. To the left of the picture, standing before a fancy rail in silhouette, were Kathryn and Chakotay. They were facing each other, their bodies touching, and were holding hands.

"Isn't that a beautiful shot of the moon? Cough. Cough. And before you say it, I know it's hard to make out the couple, but I assure you it's our stellar pair. So, is romance in the air? Has our brave and beautiful Captain fallen in love with her tall, dark and handsome First Officer? Has home, and a long parting, made them realize they love each other? Or was love the supreme sacrifice they made for their crew? Are they in love? Are they just friends? If so, what were they doing holding hands on a luxury cruise liner? Are they vacationing? Were they just visiting? I leave the answers to your own conclusions. All I can say is that every picture tells a story, and I, for one, can't wait to hear the story this one tells."

"Nor can I," the blonde presenter said, "and every viewer of Who's Got The Goss? Well, it seems we do. Stay tuned for more exclusive scoops on those stars we love to see shine. Now, here's Brad Cooper with the weather."

But before the weatherman appeared, the screen flashed blue and disappeared.

"Well," Kathryn said, turning to Chakotay. "It looks like our cat is out of the bag. Or at least, peeping with two eyes."

"Yes," Chakotay laughed. "But we knew it would happen eventually. There are hundreds of people on this ship."

"Including, it seems, undercover journalists."

"You don't believe she was vacationing?"

"On a ship where to be VIP means to be one in three? I somehow doubt it. She was here for a scoop and we were her swoop. But at least she didn't say which ship so I guess she has some scruples. Besides, we were so silhouetted we could be anyone."

"What shall we do? Admit or deny?"

"Must we either?" She wrapped her arms around his neck. "Let's have some fun for a while. Let's keep them guessing."

Chakotay's eyes twinkled. "There's a mischievous side to you, Kathryn Janeway."

"Oh yes. But don't you love it?"

Chakotay smiled. "I love all sides of you."

Kathryn smiled back and then they kissed softly.

"Oh, this truly is the life," Holly said, lounging two hours later with Kathryn on a luxurious balcony that overlooked a sapphire sea. "Ben and I will definitely have to take a cruise. It sure beats freezing to death on all those ski slopes we spend our vacations on. In fact, I think I'll book us one for the spring."

"What would you do with the kids?" Kathryn asked, sipping on a glass of orange juice that was topped with a stick of cherries.

"Keep them in transporter suspension until we get back," Holly teased. Then she fell serious. "My parents can look after them. They're always complaining that they don't see enough of them. This'll be there chance to see plenty. But, of course, we won't be able to take a cruise as long as this. The most we'll be able to manage is a week or two. I hope two. Ben and I are long overdue some R&R and TLC." She picked up a drink that was identical to Kathryn's. "Speaking of which, how are things going with Chakotay? It's been ages since we talked."

"Very well," Kathryn replied. "The techniques Jackie has recommended have really helped us to build up intimacy, and I'm comfortable now with things that I never thought I could be." Tears filled her eyes. "It's wonderful to be loved this way, Hol...to be touched and...and to feel safe."

"I'm so glad, Kath. And intimacy is wonderful...in every way."

Kathryn nodded. "With Chakotay it is. He's so gentle and tender and I like that. I need that. I need him. And I don't think it'll be long now before we...you know...before I'm ready."

"That's fantastic, Kath. But don't push yourself. It takes as long as it takes."

The balcony door suddenly opened and Chakotay appeared.

"Hi," Kathryn said, turning towards him. "How was the swim?"

"Wet," he teased. He then presented her with a glittering red box. "This just arrived for you."

Kathryn took the box curiously. "For me? From whom?"

"I don't know," he answered.

Holly spoke. "Maybe it's from a secret admirer. If he saw that show you guys told me about, maybe he thought he'd better get in before it's too late."

"Maybe," Kathryn laughed, "but somehow I..." Her words trailed when she opened the box and saw a red rose inside. "No, you're right. It looks like a romantic overture." Next to the rose was a little gold card and, after picking it up, she read it aloud. "Hi, Kathryn. I want to say I'm sorry I was such a jerk that night we dined at my place. If you can find it in your heart to give me another chance, I'd love to pick up where we left off. I would have been in touch sooner, but I've been in space for months. I think you're an amazing woman and I would love to have you in my life again. Daniel."

"Well, he's certainly got a nerve," Holly cried. "Who the hell does he think he is? Give me that box, Kath, I'll recycle it."

Kathryn closed the box and handed it to her friend. "No doubt he meant well."

"Oh, yes, for himself. It's a good thing he's not here or I'd give him a piece of my mind."

Chakotay picked up a cookie from a plate and sat next to Kathryn. "What will you do? Send him a polite rejection?"

"I guess I'll have to. I can't ignore him."

"I would," Holly said. "After the way he treated you, he doesn't deserve the time of day."

Kathryn lowered her eyes. "He was just being honest, Holl. Not every one can handle issues like mine. You said that yourself."

"I know. But just because he can't handle them, or because he thought he couldn't, didn't give him the right to say no man could. He hit you at your sorest point and that's...it's unforgivable."

"Well," Kathryn said, "it doesn't matter now. I'm with Chakotay and Daniel couldn't be further from my mind. So let's just recycle the box and forget about him."

"Sounds good to me." She got to her feet. "Where's the recycler?"

"In the kitchen next to the replicator. But don't recycle the card, ok? Daniel's address is on it and I'll need that to reply."

"Ok," she answered. "I'll try not to let it accidentally get vaporized."

Kathryn laughed and then Holly left.

That evening, after an incredible ride on their beloved Oregon trail, Kathryn and Chakotay soaked their muscles in a hot bath. Their cabin's bathroom was grand, having shimmering silver tiles and a large square bath of sparkling crystal, and around the room Kathryn had placed scented castles. As they soaked, Kathryn tenderly washed Chakotay with a sponge, beginning with his back and shoulders and then working her way down his chest, and afterwards he did the same for her. Kathryn cherished the intimacy, the sensations and the closeness, and Chakotay cherished her pleasure.

After their bath, Kathryn and Chakotay dined on the balcony, and then they got ready to attend a play in one of the ship's many theaters. They were going with Patsi and Greg, old Starfleet acquaintances of Kathryn's that were on the cruise too, and they were meeting them in the foyer. For the occasion, Kathryn had replicated a classy blue dress that had a sultry crisscross on the back, and after putting it on she applied some make-up. Then she brushed and bunned her hair and was just finishing it when Chakotay came in. He was already dressed and was wearing a black shirt over white pants.

"I know, I know," Kathryn said, quickly putting on her shoes, "we're running late. But I'm almost ready, honey. Just my shoes to put on and my bag to grab and I'm done."

"I'm afraid I'm not here to hurry you up," Chakotay told her. "I've just received a call from my cousin. There's been a fire at my apartment complex and my presence is needed. That means I'm not going to be able to make the play. I'm sorry."

At this news, Kathryn was visibly disappointed, but she quickly brushed it off. "These things can't be helped. I'll call Patsi and tell her we can't come. She'll understand."

"There's no need for that. You can still go. In fact, I insist that you do. There's no point both of us missing out."

"But don't you want me to come with you to Oregon?"

"There's no need. What ever needs to be done, which I doubt is more than inspect the damage to my apartment, I can do alone. You go to the play as planned."

Kathryn considered, but then conceded. "Ok. But if you need me, get in touch. I'll wear a commbadge."

Chakotay smiled. "Aren't they prohibited in theaters?"

"I'll plead ignorance."

Chakotay laughed. "Ok." He then closed the gap between them and kissed her cheek. "I'll see you later. Enjoy the play."

Kathryn said she would and then Chakotay put on a jacket and beamed out.

The Waverly Theater, one of the biggest on the ship, was a stylish and modern theater that was designed to impress. It had a large auditorium that circled a round stage, silver seats that were heavenly comfortable, and a domed ceiling that glittered with a million rainbow lights. But as impressed as Kathryn was with the theater, she could not say the same for the play. It was reasonably well written, and certainly well acted, but the story itself was a let down. In fact, had she known what the play was about, she would not have come. Jackie had told her that, as part of the healing process, she should focus on uplifting romantic stories, those that had positive male role models and mature relationships that lasted, but this play was anything but. The main character, a married man in his thirties, was sexually bored of his wife and was eyeing up his considerably older, though sexually voracious, boss. For the entire first act, graphic sexual banter passed between them, and then things started to get physical. As they kissed and groped, plunging each other's mouths with a hot and fierce passion, Kathryn felt a sickness stir inside, a sickness and an all too familiar pain. Clutching her seat, she tried to outride the inner turmoil, the rising panic, but when the couple began to rip each other's clothes off and make aggressive love on his desk, she could endure no more. Pale, and visibly trembling, she turned to Patsi, who was sitting beside her.

"I'm sorry, Patsi," she said, "but I'm not feeling very well. I think I'd better call it a night."

Patsi, a pretty middle-aged woman with short black hair and green eyes, looked at Kathryn in concern. "I think you'd better too. You're terribly pale." She then reached for her bag. "I'll come with you. We'll..."

"No," Kathryn interrupted, "I'll be ok. Chakotay will be back by now."

"But..."

"Really, I'll be fine," Kathryn assured her. "You stay. Please."

Then, not giving the woman a chance to insist, she left.

Outside the theater, feeling just as sick as she did inside, Kathryn hurried blindly to her cabin. Her heart was pounding, her head spinning, and she hoped with all her heart that Chakotay wasn't back when she got there. She just wanted to be alone. Just wanted to find a place to scream. Those tormenting demons of yesterday, quiet and still for so long, were now screeching horribly as they flew around her mind. The torture was unbearable, an excruciating agony, and when she reached her cabin and found that it was indeed empty, all she could do was rush to the toilet and throw up.

Throw up and up.

And then...

And then she was crying.

Lying on the floor and crying.

Crying and rocking.

Too much pain.

Too many horrible thoughts.

Too many monsters in the mind.

Whisky.

Whisky would silence them.

Banish the shadows.

Take the pain away.

Sobbing, Kathryn got to her feet, hurried into the kitchen, and quickly replicated a bottle. Then, not bothering with a glass, she put the bottle to her mouth and gulped down the mind numbing liquid. Gulped and gulped until she was choking.

And then...

And then Chakotay was there.

"Kathryn? What are you doing?"

"What does it look like?" she said, turning to him tearfully. "I'm drinking."

"What's happened? You're supposed to be at the theater."

"I left. Watching a couple have wild sex over a desk is not my idea of entertainment."

"I see," Chakotay said. "I'm sorry."

"That it's not my idea of entertainment?"

"That you were exposed to that. We should have checked the play's rating before agreeing to go."

"What does the rating matter? The truth is still the truth."

"What does that mean?"

"You know what that means. Because don't deny it, Chakotay. You want sex like that. You want to rip my clothes off and throw me around."

"I will deny it," he said, "because it isn't what I want. But you're far too upset to reason with now. So let's just..."

"Don't lie to me!" Kathryn cried. "It is what you want! It's what all men want! A cougar on heat not a lapcat asleep! A tigress for a tiger! Because I haven't forgotten it, Chakotay! I haven't forgotten what Seska said! A tiger between the sheets with the appetite of a lion! So how do you satisfy it? How do you get your fill? With horny holograms? With voracious blondes that strip you and whip you?"

"Kathryn, I..."

"Or do you prefer the real deal and resort to the vice house? Those seedy sex salons where your every desire is our satisfaction? What do you do, Chakotay? What do you do?"

Seeing that Kathryn was not only upset but getting drunker by the second, Chakotay closed the gap between them and reached for the bottle of whisky. "Give me that bottle."

But before he could take it, Kathryn threw it across the room and it smashed against the wall.

"Go to hell! Go to hell and leave me alone!"

"Kathryn," he protested.

"We're over, Chakotay! Over and done! Because I've had it with men! Had it with the lot of you! All you want is sex! Sex, sex, sex! So get the hell out of here and leave me alone!"

"I'm going no where, Kathryn. I love you and...

"Love me? You don't love me! You love my body! You want my body! You've always wanted it! So what stopped you? What stopped you getting me against a wall on Voyager and pulling down my knickers? You know you wanted to! You want to now!" She seized him by the shirt. "So do it! Take me and be done with it!"

Firmly, but not roughly, Chakotay drew her away. "That's not me, Kathryn, and you..."

"Know it? Like hell I do, Chakotay! All I know is that you're a man! A man like Neal! A man like every other bastard who preys on women! Men of now and men of the past! Because look at history, Chakotay! Look at the facts! It's men who sleep around, men who go to prostitutes, men who love pornography, men who abuse children, men who rape and pillage at the first opportunity! And why? Because you're beasts of lust that can't control yourselves and don't even try!"

"I'm not going to argue with you," Chakotay said calmly, "not when you're..."

"What? Drunk? I'm still right and you know I'm right! But oh, how clever you are! How much to your advantage was the sexual revolution! Get women to act like sluts and call it liberation! To hell with commitment and respect! And you wonder why I prefer the Victorian age? At least men had some decency then! Men like Michael Sullivan who could keep their pants on!"

"Kathryn, you're..."

"Hitting a nerve? Smacking you where it hurts? Then hit back, Chakotay! Hit me and screw me like you want to!" She threw her arms around his neck. "Take me here! You know I can do it drunk! Get between my legs and take me!"

Chakotay tore her away. "I'm not that kind of guy, Kathryn! The only..."

"Then damn you! Damn you! I'll find a man who will! Because there are plenty out there, Chakotay! Plenty just waiting for a lay! And I can think of one right now!" Clumsily, she picked up Daniel's card from a shelf. "Daniel Stevens. A man who ditched me because I'm frigid. Well, I'll go to him right now and show him just how hot I can be!"

"You're going no where, Kathryn. What you need is..."

"Sex! That's all I need! Sex with a man who wants me! So I'm going, Chakotay! I'm going right now!"

"Kathryn..."

Unsteadily, she hit her hand against her chest, hoping to activate her commbadge, but to her dismay she found it was gone.

"Dammit!"

Chakotay seized her now. "Don't make me sedate you, Kathryn. Because unless you calm down I'm going to have to..."

Kathryn shook him loose. "Calm down, calm down! Who the hell's worked up? And don't you dare tell me what to do! I want sex and I want it with Daniel!" She addressed the computer. "Computer, open a channel to Reception."

"Computer," Chakotay countermanded, "belay that."

"Don't!" Kathryn cried. "Computer, open the channel!"

Chakotay seized her again. "Leaving isn't the answer, Kathryn. Drinking isn't the answer. You've got to..."

"What? Kill myself? Because I can't take the pain, Chakotay! I can't live with the pain!"

Chakotay was about to answer when a man spoke over the comm. "This is Reception to Cabin 501. Is everything ok?"

"No," Kathryn cried, breaking free of Chakotay. "I want a beam out."

"The lady doesn't," Chakotay told him. "We're just..."

But the man interrupted him. "Ma'am, give me the co-ordinates and I'll request a beam out immediately."

"I don't know them," Kathryn answered, "but the address is..." she drunkenly picked up Daniel's card, which had fallen to the floor, and strained her eyes to make out its blurred contents. "Admiral Daniel Stevens, Acerage House, Blaston, no Blaketon, Vermont."

"Ok, Ma'am. Stand by for transport."

"Don't do this, Kathryn," Chakotay pleaded. "I love you and..."

But before he could finish, a blue transporter beam engulfed her and she dematerialized.

When Kathryn rematerialized, she found herself in Daniel's lounge. The lights were low, the drapes drawn, and the man himself was standing before a holographic fire.

"Kathryn," he smiled, "I'm glad you're..." But when he saw the state on her, physically and emotionally, his smile turned to concern and he hurried over to her. "Kathryn, my God, what's wrong?"

"Nothing you can't fix," she declared. "But before we..."

Her words were interrupted by the Computer. "Incoming transport request, Admiral Chakotay."

"Reject it," she ordered. "If you don't then I'm out of here."

Daniel put his hand on her shoulder. "Of course I'll reject it. In fact, I'll blacklist him." He then addressed the Computer. "Computer, deny request. Furthermore, block all subsequent requests and communication from Admiral Chakotay."

The computer bleeped. "Request denied. Block in place."

"Now," Daniel said, squeezing Kathryn's shoulder, "do you want to tell me what's happened?"

"No," she retorted. "I'm not here to chat. I'm here because you and I have unfinished business."

"Yes. But you're in no state to..."

"What? Know what I want? Confess it, Daniel. You're not interested in the long haul. All you want is a good time. Well, I'm offering it to you. Offering you a night of steamy and unbridled sex right here, right now."

At this, Daniel stepped away. "Whatever you think of me, Kathryn, and I'll admit I've given you grounds to not think much, I'm not the kind of guy who takes advantage of vulnerable women. I don't know what's happened tonight, or why you're really here, but I do know that having sex with me isn't going to solve anything. Not for us and not for you."

"Then fine," Kathryn cried. "I'll leave! Because if you don't want what I want then there's nothing more to say!"

"I want you, Kathryn. You know I want you. But not tonight."

"Then not ever because tonight is all I'm offering!"

Needing a drink, Daniel went over to a glass cabinet and poured himself a brandy. "I might not be the most intuitive of souls," he said, "and God knows I'm no psychologist, but its obvious to even me that you're not here for my sake. I don't even think you're here for your own. I think you're here to settle some kind of score with Chakotay." He closed the canister and put it back into the cabinet. "I can't say I blame you. I don't deserve better treatment. But I do care about you, Kathryn. We've known each other for a long time and I'd like to think that, despite everything that has happened, we can still call each other a friend." He walked back to her. "And that's all you really want from me, isn't it? Friendship?"

"I don't know," Kathryn said tearfully. "I don't know what I want. All I know is that...is that I don't want this life. Seven said that to me once, you know? I don't want this life. But I made her have it. Made her have it like being alive makes me."

"You don't mean that, Kathryn. You're drunk and depressed."

"Why wouldn't I mean it? Why wouldn't I know my own mind? Why do you and Chakotay think you know it better? I do mean it. I hate my life."

Daniel put his hand on her shoulder. "Come on, Kathryn. Let me get you a coffee and some sobering meds."

Kathryn shook him loose. "I don't want sobering meds! If I wanted to be sober I wouldn't have got myself drunk! But the thing is, I'm not drunk enough!" With that, she snatched the glass from his hand and downed what was left of the brandy. Then she held it out to him. "If you want to be useful, get me another."

"You've had enough, Kathryn."

"Enough? The only thing I've had enough of is your company! So get me a beam out. Send me home."

"I really don't think that..."

"It's your choice. Either you beam me out or I walk out."

"Ok," he said. "I'll request a transport. Home probably is the best place for you."

He then made the request, which was processed immediately, and before Kathryn knew it she was in the lounge of her house in San Francisco. The blinds were open, the room dark and cold, and outside it was raining.

Still raining.

Raining like her eyes.

Crying like her soul.

Screaming.

Falling.

On the floor.

Rocking and sobbing.

Drifting.

Gone.

END OF CHAPTER THIRTY SEVEN