Splintered Mirror
Chapter 36
Ryuuzaki-sensei inhaled the soothing fragrance of tea a moment before looking at Tezuka's psychotherapist sitting on her right. Yuriko's office did not have a couch, debunking the myth of a shrink's common tool of trade. She could see a door leading to the inner office where a normal office desk and file cabinets were located.
The outer office area was simply furnished with two leather armchairs at ninety degrees angle from each other and a low small table. Ryuuzaki-sensei nodded to herself. She was aware of some of these non-verbal arrangements. She was used to the usual teacher-student consultation arrangement, two chairs facing each other across the desk. She had heard that psychologists preferred the angled arrangement, to avoid a face-to-face confrontational position.
She set her tea cup down and turned to look at Yuriko. "Tezuka does not trust you."
Yuriko nodded at her opening statement. "He is reacting to me as if I was someone else. A transference. But he had not been forthcoming about who or what is causing the transference."
"Doesn't it get in the way of your work?"
"No. It is expected in my line of work. Normally, it is an angle that I can make use of. But Tezuka have very strong resistance to my efforts."
"Stubborn, you mean."
"I was hoping you could shed some light as to what might have caused his transference. I had done some hypnotherapy with Kunimitsu. So far, his childhood seemed normal and healthy. Is there anything in the past that might cause Tezuka to distrust a doctor? Or someone in authority?"
"Tezuka? No. Tezuka was a good, respectful young man."
"So he has no problem with authority, rules and regulations?"
"If you're asking me if Tezuka was ever defiant or disrespectful in school – No. He was a model student. Good grades, exemplary behaviour."
"I see. It is consistent with what I hear from Kunimitsu." Yuriko could not hide the slight disappointment in her voice.
Ryuuzaki-sensei sighed. "There is something most people did not understand about Tezuka Kunimitsu. Perhaps, that is why you are not asking me the right question."
"Hmm?"
"Tezuka did not rebel nor disobey authority. It is not unusual for children, at certain stage of their development to push the limits imposed on them by adults and rules. I worked with teenage kids most of my life, I am well acquainted with it. It is a natural part of growing up, asserting their blossoming independence."
"But Tezuka was different?"
"No, Tezuka was no different. Tezuka asserted his independence most strongly. What was different, was his upbringing. He was given independence by his family. He was expected to bear it responsibly. He did not have to fight or demand for it. He behaved as he already had that independence. And the most interesting thing happened. He got it implicitly, without struggle. But saying that Tezuka was always respectful and obedient to authority is not exactly right. Rather, Tezuka was indifferent to positions of authority. A title, a position, age did not matter to him. What mattered was competence. Tezuka respected skill, principles, experience and competence."
"He thinks I'm incompetent?"
"You said it was a transference."
"Ah! He distrusts me because someone in the past gave him a reason for distrust. A counsellor or doctor? Or a woman?"
"Or simply, someone who seemed to have authority over Tezuka and thought that he knew what was best without consulting him."
"Like the case-worker that tried to find foster home for Tezuka."
"Yes. But I believe my involvement had resolved their differences and there is no reason for him to carry a grudge. No. There is someone else."
"Since his displacement of feelings towards me is of distrust and control, someone must have given a reason for him to feel that way."
"Someone betrayed trust or authority over Tezuka."
"Who?"
"I don't know. I tried to get him to tell me this morning, but he is still unwilling to talk about it."
"Thank you, Ryuuzaki-sensei. You have been a great help."
"There is something else." Ryuuzaki-sensei picked up her teacup again, trying to order her mind. "Tezuka is having problems reconciling his current situation."
"Tezuka, why are you fighting against Dr. Yuriko? It is her job to help you. But only if you let her. Tell me, what do you think of her? I will do my best to take you out of her care if she is not what you want."
Tezuka looked down at his hands. "It's not that."
"Do you think she is not helping?"
"No. I know … I mean, if I think about it, I know she is helping, trying to help. But she …she is hurting Kunimitsu and Shiroi. She is making them worse. Kunimitsu is sad and hiding. And he won't let me near. I can't take away his pain if he won't let me. Shiroi is confused and lost. Shiroi is dying. Shiroi is scared, so desperately scared. I … I promised he would live. But she is killing Shiroi. But I can't protect him. I can't save him. I should but I shouldn't. I promised. I was supposed to protect them. But … it's all wrong!"
Yuriko nodded thoughtfully. "Tezuka is the protector. He shields both Shiroi and Kunimitsu from truths that hurt them. But once the therapy started, the truth will come out. He knew it will hurt Kunimitsu and dissolve all three of them. Shiroi was not the only one dying. To Tezuka, all of them will die. But it was Shiroi that he promised life. He knew all this was necessary for them to heal. But it conflicted with his self-appointed role. Intellectually, he knew he had to let it happen. But instinctively, he can't."
Yuriko looked sadly at her notes. "He knew I am here to help them. But he can't help being who he is. His passive aggressiveness towards me is just another sign of his conflict. He wants help, but he can't let me help him."
Ryuuzaki-sensei nodded. Now that she brought Tezuka's perspective to his therapist's attention, she could do something about it.
"Ryuuzaki-sensei, I would like to try something, if you have time today. Kunimitsu had been inactive for too long. Five days of hiding, licking his wounds is too much. I am worried about him. When we finally managed to bring Kunimitsu forward, he became more present and dominant. Shiroi and Kunimitsu became something of co-host, taking turns. Now that Kunimitsu had withdrawn, Shiroi is again left to take over by himself."
"What do you intend to do then?"
"I am going to ask both Shiroi and Tezuka to withdraw. Push Kunimitsu out. I need to deal with his grief quickly. And it would help if he knows you are just outside for emotional support."
Ryuuzaki-sensei nodded her assent.
In a few minutes, Yuriko met up once more with Shiroi, outlining her plan and purpose. Then, she moved on to Tezuka. There was something she needed to work out with Tezuka.
"Tezuka-san," she said gently, "let's talk about Kunimitsu for a moment. Why do you feel you need to protect Kunimitsu? Against what?"
Tezuka looked annoyed at Yuriko. It was not something he wanted to answer.
"Tell me, Tezuka-san."
"Kunimitsu cannot deal with this. It hurts him too much."
"Deal with what?"
"The … the … the truth."
There. At last, Tezuka had admitted it. "Since when had Tezuka Kunimitsu ever run away from the truth?" she pressed him. "Is Kunimitsu that weak?"
"It is not his fault! Why must you keep hurting him? He can't … it's too much." He wanted to push her away.
"Tezuka-san," Yuriko held Tezuka's eyes firmly, as if to prevent him from fleeing. "Listen to me. Why do you think Kunimitsu can't cope with this, but you can? Don't you see? The strength to face the truth is inside you. Tezuka Kunimitsu's strength is in you. You, all of you, are one and the same person. You have to give him the strength, your strength to help him."
"He just want to stop hurting. Why can't you let him be happy?"
"And you? Don't you want to stop hurting?"
Tezuka jerked his head. An abrupt abbreviated shake.
"You don't want to stop hurting? Don't you want to be happy too? Don't you deserve that as much as Kunimitsu and Shiroi?"
"No!" a cry tore out of his throat before he clamped down once more. His features turned cold and still, distant. He stood up and walked to the window, looking out.
Yuriko waited for him in silence. Waited for him to fill the space she left open.
"This is my fault. This is my responsibility. My choice. My punishment. My pain. So I will never forget." Even with such provocation, Tezuka maintained his cold façade. His voice deep, monotonous, devoid of feelings.
"Tezuka-san, do you think holding on to the pain, to keep punishing yourself … Do you think that would make your family happy?"
Tezuka did not answer. He knew he wasn't what Okaasan, Otousan and Ojiisan wanted. Kunimitsu was what they wanted. Happy, normal, loved, perfect, flawless. That was why he had to protect Kunimitsu. Shiroi and Tezuka were aberrations. Ugly, twisted, hated, cripple.
Kunimitsu shouldn't have to pay for the terrible things Tezuka had done. That was why Shiroi was supposed to be out here. Because the less time Tezuka came out, the less likely he would do some terrible damage. Now, everything was unravelling. He clenched his fist in frustration.
Crunch!
He remembered the rough thick cloth of the man's jacket in his hand. The momentum of the body hurling toward him. The force that he pulled and twisted with his own body and his own weight behind it, full of adrenaline. The loud thump of body falling on concrete.
He remembered thinking, 'This is not a dojo. There are no tatami mats here." Then, the crunch of bones breaking, crack of skull on unforgiving floor. He stood over an unconscious man. 'No! This is not why Ojiisan taught me judo. I don't want to hurt anyone.'
But his body was not listening. He had another guard in a strangle hold, feeling the body slowly going limp. He had lost count of how many escapes he had attempted. Only it was getting harder. Hard enough that he had to disable two men to free himself.
'Be very careful when you practice shimewaza,' Ojiisan's voice commanded from the past. 'Never ever do this outside of practice or competition. Never ever do to someone not trained to receive it. There is a reason why you are only allowed to learn this after you reached fourteen. It is dangerous. If your opponent did not submit, you have to know how long you can keep your hold before it becomes fatal.'
Strangulation is different from suffocation. Chokes cuts off air supply to the lungs, the body knows when it needs air. Pressure on the trachea is uncomfortable, even painful. The body will struggle and show signs of distress. But in a hadaka-jime, you cut off blood flow to the brain. When that happened, the mind feels sleepy, but the body is not threatened. That is why, some people, in the middle of action, lost consciousness without realising it. They don't feel strangled until it is too late. Apply the pressure for too long and it will cause brain damage. That is why, someone not used to it will not struggle or give signs of distress.
'Never use these techniques in anything but absolutely clear, controlled and calm mind,' Ojiisan always reminded his students after one of those sessions.
And he broke everything that day. Disobeyed every instruction Ojiisan gave him. He did not know if the two guards that he overpowered would recover. It did not matter. He had abused his knowledge to cause harm. That was all that mattered.
Crack! Crunch! Blood spilled on the floor.
Tezuka pulled out his fist from his pocket. He forced his hand open. A packet of crumpled rice cracker lay in his palm. 'It is just Shiroi's rice cracker.' Snacks that Sanada's mother had given him.
'It is just rice cracker,' he reminded himself again, forcing his heart to calm down. When he had regained his equilibrium, he set aside the disturbing memories and focused on the issue at hand.
"You hurt Kunimitsu."
"And I want to help him get better. Let us all help him. We can't do that if Kunimitsu is running away."
"You will stop him from hurting."
"It is up to Kunimitsu. And Shiroi and you. But Ryuuzaki-sensei and I are here to help the best we can."
Tezuka stared long and hard at her, piercing her with his eyes. Weighing her resolve and commitment. Appraising her for prevarications.
Suddenly, he moved without warning. He threw the cracker over-handed into the waste-basket. Then, without so much as a 'please', he tore off a corner of Yuriko's notebook and took her pen out of her hand. He wrote quickly, then held the note with both hands in front of him.
Without warning, he jerked up in shock, eyes wide and swivelling to take in the room. Yuriko knew it was Kunimitsu in front of her.
"Tezuka-kun, welcome back. Tezuka-san left you a note."
Kunimitsu looked at the slip of paper in his hand.
Ryuuzaki-sensei.
Tamiyama Park.
Purple hyacinth, lotus, morning glory.
Do not go home!
"May I?" Yuriko asked for the note. As usual, Tezuka was subtle and succinct.
Safe place. I'm sorry I cannot be with you. I promise I will be okay.
Note:
I know I mentioned it was supposed to be Sanada's chapter. But when I was editing Sanada's chapter, Tezuka decided he had more to say on the matter and it had to be before Sanada. He has more lines this chapter, but I think I still managed to keep his taciturn nature intact. Phew! Another Tezuka-centric character analysis chapter. Next one will be Sanada's. No more detours, I hope.
shimewaza - Judo constriction techniques. Divided into strangling (constricting carotid artery), choke (constricting windpipe), and compression of chest/lungs. Strangling is most stressed and commonly taught. It has advantage of being fast-acting, least force and effective. (Refer to http :/ judoinfo. com/ chokes. htm)
hadaka-jime – Naked strangle is 1 of 36 shimewaza. It does not require clothes to execute the technique. It utilises wrist and applied from the back.
Language of flowers (hanakotoba):
Purple hyacinth – Sorrow, I'm sorry (western)
Lotus (suiren) - Far from the loved one (Japanese)
Morning glory (asagao) – Will fulfil promises (Japanese)
Tamiyama Park – see chapter 15, 32, 33.
Please skip these notes if you don't want to read counselling process being analysed. I have finally covered large portions of counselling therapy in the past chapters that I can note this without spoilers. I'm in the middle of Counselling subject as part of my coursework, so I've been trying to see if I can write better with my swanky newly acquired knowledge. (Or maybe worse, because you know, academic writing is bland, dry and boring.)
Counselling techniques – Yuriko was going through confronting and influencing process with Tezuka. (Refer to Intentional Interviewing and Counselling, Ivey, Ivey & Zalaquet, 2010)
Confronting – identify, clarify and made aware the client's behaviour that were incongruous and conflicting. Therapist's role is to make the client aware of his mixed messages between what is said and what is wanted and what is being done (both conscious and unconscious behaviour). It is part of mediation and conflict resolution. Confronting is stressful and painful experience for the client, but not always destructive. Tezuka at this point is stuck, frozen in time, not growing, not healing. Yuriko's aim is to help him grow cognitively and emotionally, as well as to reduce stress. As therapist, she had to be supportive and sensitive, controlling the appropriate amount of stress without overwhelming Tezuka's ability to cope.
Influencing – Aim to help client create new life stories or re-story their past. Re-story is looking at the past or current life in new light/perspective. Motivate client to initiate change. Yuriko questioned alternative positive and negative results (logical sequence). Pointed out how his behaviour is seen by others (feedback). Provide information to Kunimitsu and psycho-education to Shiroi. Influencing needs the proper timing and frame of mind to be effective.
Resistant Client – Tezuka, out of three alters, is the resistant client. He was in therapy against his will and he has learned distrust. As the protector, it was quite horrifying for him to have some stranger rummaging in his deepest darkest secret. He is an extremely private person. He did not want to be there and he will resist or sabotage therapy. Resistant client can also be contrary, defensive, passive aggressive, manipulative and show signs of exhaustion and avoidance. I've focused on 2/4 class of resistant behaviours for Tezuka, response quality (silence, minimal talk, non-compliance) and content (emotional display, concealing information, distraction) resistance. Response style and logistics management resistance do not fit with Tezuka's character and circumstances. Through combined efforts of Atobe, Sanada, Yuriko and Ryuuzaki, he was slowly turning around.
Self-disclosure –Yuriko is not prone to self-disclosing to the client. Though there are several schools of thoughts that think appropriate and limited self-disclosure could help client (build trust, equality, diminish power difference). Some think it is necessary to build authentic therapeutic relationship. But this is a fanfiction and Yuriko, being an OC, has no purpose to reveal about herself to the reader unless it advances the plot. Also, being an Oshitari, she had Yuushi's ability to close heart/mind.
Responses to Reviewers:
Aan : Yes, that's why I like his character. Have to read between the lines with this kid. But rewatching PoT, Tezuka really looks and sounds cold and impersonal when I'm just studying his body language and voice, taking his scenes out of context. Depressing? Sad? Yes! Thank you! Don't worry. I'm sure it's normal to want to torture your favourite.
Imeldamizi: No worries. English is not my first language either. Thank you for your reviews here and for the other stories. I'm glad to hear the emotional responses from my reader. Please continue following this story.
Kamu: Welcome back! I seem to be making people cry lately. I'll take that as a compliment. :D
Akuma-tenshi: Nice to hear from a new reader. I have a fondness for the three-way rivalry. I look forward to hear more from you.