Apologies for the ridiculously long wait in between updates. There is only a few more chapters to go. So for anyone still reading. Enjoy.

Claire x

Chapter Thirty-Seven – Sick Cycle Carousel

John Paul could hear the muffled sound of people talking downstairs. The weekend seemed to be dragging some what, and his family were being overly annoying, or so it seemed to him. He felt like every time he went down there he was attacked by one of them, asking what his plans were, had he heard from Chloe, he felt like all he got was a constant ramble of questioning from them. And he couldn't even ignore it, it was always there. The only one who didn't was Mercedes, the only one who knew that he was no longer with Chloe was the one person who let him be. In amidst all the questions she would through a sympathetic look his way, something that bewildered him, Mercedes was exactly known for her compassion.

He had too many other things on his mind to be focusing on them. He had done nothing but reply his conversation with Craig over and over in his mind. He had never felt so angry at himself before, he had never felt so confused. The jealousy that had overwhelmed him that night had been completely irrational, he didn't want to be that way, he knew he had no right to be, and yet the words had left him without even a second thought, without even thinking how much they would hurt Craig.

If shame had a face I think it would kind of look like mine - if it had a home would it be my eyes

He could see himself so clearly now. He was scared. He was a coward. He had something real for the first time in his life and he was too weak to just step up and admit to it. John Paul found it so easy to look around his life and blame other people for how he felt, but maybe all along it had been him. The only one holding him back was himself. He blamed getting his closed off behavior on his family, but yet they were always there for him, always concerned that he was okay. They cared about him more than anything and still he acted like they were some kind of burden.

Then there was Craig, the light in all of it. The one thing that he had been so sure of. Something that made him believe he could be better, that saw something in him that he never imagined anyone would, who made him feel things he hadn't even realised existed and all he had done was push him further and further away, one moment telling him he wanted him, the next pushing him away, getting jealous, but never actually being brave enough to admit the truth of it all to anyone.

He could see it so clearly. He didn't deserve any of them.

Would you believe me if I said I am tired of this - well here we go one more time

John Paul pulled his dressing gown around him, tying it up tightly before venturing out of his room. He had managed to hide away all morning, he knew that inevitably one of them would come knocking on his door with a wide smile and a cup of tea, he thought he may as well save them the trouble.

As he reached the bottom of the stairs he saw his Mum busily working away in the kitchen preparing breakfast, helped by an unwilling Michaela, Carmel was reading a magazine reading out everyone's horoscopes, mispronouncing a vast amount of words, Jacqui was sat opposite her listening intently and Tina and Mercedes sat on the sofa staring at the TV screen. Mercedes caught his eye first nodding her head but not saying anything. He went down and sat quickly by her side.

He stared blankly at the TV screen for a while, until he felt two questioning eyes on him. He turned to his left to see Mercedes looking at him. "What?"

"You alright?" Her tone was classic Mercedes, full of concern but desperate to cover it up so it seemed like she didn't.

John Paul only nodded. What exactly could he say? "No I'm not actually. I'm a complete idiot and I just ruined possibly one of the best things that happened to me. Oh and by the way I'm gay" It took him only seconds to register that he had thought that to himself. He looked away from the TV and around the room, no one looking at him now, and he was relieved. The look of shock plastered across his face would only spark up more questioning from them.

It really wasn't that much of a big deal was it? Even though he had never actually thought it to himself, never actually been brave enough to. He felt so stupid as he looked around at everyone, so oblivious in their own worlds.

"You alright love?"

He looked up quickly to see his Mum smiling down at him. "Made you some tea and toast on the side there. Chloe called last night, did I tell you? Have you called her back yet?"

John Paul opened his mouth to respond, he was fairly sure his look of confusion still lingered across his face. Before he could respond another voice had already answered.

"Of course he hasn't look at his face, guilty as anything..." John Paul looked away from his Mum's gazing eyes towards Jacqui who was staring at him waving around a piece of toast. Again he opened his mouth to respond, but was once again stopped in his tracks. He really didn't know why he bothered.

"Let me read your horoscope John Paul..." His head snapped to Carmel who was smiling at him excitedly and then turned her attention back to her magazine, frantically searching the page.

"You leave your brother alone Jacqui, you'll call Chloe today won't you love?"

He didn't even respond and his Mum was gone, back into the kitchen, pottering around.

"Ah ha. Here we are John Paul. "You will receive a surprise visitor..." Oh how exciting..."

"You do realise that rubbish is only written so idiots like you will believe it Carm..." Mercedes didn't even look away from the TV screen as she threw an insult in Carmel's direction. John Paul sighed and looked down and began munching on his toast. Contemplating running back up to his room.

"It's not rubbish! Astromony is taken very seriously by some people"

"Well I rest my case about the idiot thing, it's astrology Carm..."

Mercedes had thrown the remote down now and moved away from the sofa and was heading to the stairs, John Paul couldn't help but think that was extremely unfair that she was going to escape and he wasn't.

"Why do you always have to make me look stupid Mercedes? It's not fair..." Carmel's voice went high and whiney, the only way it ever went when her and Mercedes got like this.

"Oh believe me Carmel you do not need my help making you look stupid, you do pretty well by yourself"

That can't be good. He knew what would come next. "Mum! Tell her!"

"Leave your sister alone Mercedes"

"Whatever, I'm going out..."

"Oh no your not, you promised me you'd help me with shopping today"

John Paul continued to eat his toast, while his Mum marched out the kitchen. "Why can't one of these lot help you?"

"Cos they all have to go to work"

"Unlike some people" Carmel's voice was quiet but loud enough for the entire room to have heard. John Paul sighed and stood up, he really had enough of this.

"What's thats supposed to mean? I have been looking for a job, it's not my fault if there's nought is it?"

Carmel stood up from the counter and threw her magazine down "Oh no it's never your fault is it Mercedes?"

John Paul managed to scramble between Carmel and Mercedes before the hitting and slapping began, but he felt an arm on his hand pulling him back.

"You will ring Chloe won't you love? She looked a bit upset at your party, you hardly spent five minutes with her..."

"Yeah John Paul you be careful, you don't keep her happy you'll lose her..."

"Mercedes don't pull me hair, it took me ages..."

He turned to his left to see Mercedes grabbing hold of her Carmel's hair, Tina sat quietly in utter disgust at their behavior, Jacqui and Michaela laughed from the kitchen and his Mum looked up at him with pleading eyes.

"She's a lovely girl John Paul, I'd hate to think you'd lose her..."

"Just BACK OFF"

The volume of his voice shocked even him, and immediately he felt six pairs of stunned eyes on him.

"No Mum, I will not be calling Chloe, You know why? Because we broke up months ago alright? And before you even ask why I didn't tell you, why do you think? Just take a look around. The lot of you constantly bothering me, asking me when she's going to be here next, asking stupid pointless question. Why do you think I'd never tell you anything about my life, I don't think you even care just as long as your all in your own little worlds, letting poor pathetic John Paul just get on with it..."

His voice was getting louder as he spoke. Months, perhaps even years of anger that had been under the surface suddenly rising above.

"John Paul..."

"Just stop it Mum. Don't say anything. The lot of you barely even notice I'm here, and the only time you do its to nag me about things that are none of your business and I'm sick of it..."

"It's because we care about you love..."

"You care about me? When have you ever actually asked me how I am, what I want? Never. You can say you care all you want, but you don't and you'll never understand..."

It was all coming out in one confusing blur and John Paul wasn't entirely sure that he was making any sense at all. All he knew he was taking this out on the wrong people. This wasn't their fault. He wasn't angry at them. He was angry at himself for all the pain he had caused everyone else, all the pain he was bound to cause when the truth finally came out. Because he would eventually, there was no running from it. He just didn't want it to be like this.

So when will this end - it goes on and on and over and over and over again

He moved out of his Mum grasp, her hands had both been gripped on his arms, he pushed away from her, trying to scramble past Carmel and Mercedes, who were surprisingly strong and held him back.

"No you don't" Jacqui had made her way across the room now, Michaela following closely behind "What the hell has bought all this on? What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing"

"Doesn't seem like nothing John Paul? Now we're your family and if there's something wrong we talk about it. So talk"

He looked back at them all, Tina was now standing up to, all of them arms followed looking at him with questioning eyes. There really no way out of this. He hoped that something would happen to break away from their gazes. He wasn't that lucky. He sighed heavily and opened his mouth to speak.

Keep spinning around I know that it wont stop till I step down from this for good

Knock. Knock.

Everyone's attention immediately turned away from him and was now on the door. Myra moved away first and John Paul found a way of scrambling through them all and walking back into the lounge, he placed his head in his hands. He felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned round to see Mercedes looking down at him. "This isn't just about Chloe is it?"

John Paul shook his head. Mercedes rarely had moments like this, so he would take what he could from her small moments of concern. Everyone else seemed to be congregated around the door. Not that he minded, the longer their attention remained there it was away from him.

The path seemed to clear as his Mum pulled the door open wider. The thing that happened next was something that had John Paul convinced he was in some kind of weird dream.

"Tom?"

"Hi John Paul"

Everyone seemed to look between the two of them, demanding an explanation. "Erm... this is a friend of Craig's, of mine..." It was a lose term of the word friend, but he really didn't have any other explanation "Tom, this is well... everyone"

Tom smiled widely "Hi. John Paul I was wondering if I could just have a chat... with you"

John Paul felt like everyone's gazes kept turning back and forth between the two of them. "Yeah sure"

He looked around the room at his family, wondering exactly when they would get the hint. Suddenly something seemed to click. His Mum moving suddenly.

"Right you lot, let's go, leave these two to talk. Nice to meet you Tom..." She seemed to throw John Paul a look before she picked up her bag and left through the door. One which he ignored. He could swear he heard Carmel muttering something to Mercedes about "surprise visitor". Jacqui stopped before she left, and pointed at him "We'll finish talking about this later" Then she cast a dirty look in Tom's direction before leaving and shutting the door behind her.

"You have a big family"

"Yeah" John Paul nodded. The atmosphere shifted suddenly and it just felt completely awkward. All he could think of was why the hell was Tom here.

I never thought I'd end up here, I never thought I'd be standing where I am

"You're probably wondering why I'm here right?"

"Pretty much"

Tom sighed, the look of his face gave him away, clearly whatever this was, it was very hard for him to do. "I'm sorry about the other night. I was out of line. I don't know and I really was in no position to judge you like that. I get a bit protective where the people I love are concerned. I'm sure you can understand that. Growing up with never feeling that from anyone, I tend to over compensate now" He smiled slightly, before returning to his train of thought.

"I'm leaving. My cabs outside. I contemplated not doing this at all, but again the protectiveness thing kicked in. I want to try and explain something to you, which might just come out as one big mess, so bare with me. Craig... when I met him, I felt like I had finally met someone who was searching for the same thing that I was, just someone to be there. To take me for who I was. I never for one second thought that I'd fall in love with him as much as I did. I was just so grateful to have someone who finally understood even just a small amount how I felt. He came into my life at a time when I needed someone like that more than anything. Even now I can still feel that I need him, I'm fighting with myself to get in that cab and drive away from him. But I know I have to. I have to move on. I'm living in this past between us, still wanting what we have to be there, but its not, and yeah I could stay and be his friend, but there would always be this small part of me desperate for more, still clinging onto the hope that one day he might want more"

He sighed heavily again "I know this is going to hurt him a lot. Me leaving. That's whats the hardest part of it all. And now to the reason why I'm here standing in front of you telling you all this. He loves you. I think that no matter what happens, he always will. He'll always take that chance with you, even if you push him away, even if its always a secret, he'll still come back to you, because he loves you that much. The thing that I have the problem with, is will that make him happy enough? He has faith in you that you will do the right thing. I really hope that his faith isn't misplaced. You're very lucky John Paul. Take a look around you. You have pictures all over this room of you and your family, memories of growing up with them, you have all the support from them you could wish for, and yet I don't think you can even see it. All you can see is how scared you are, and how badly you think they'll take it. But the thing is they love you, and no matter what they will always be your family. That's a lot more than what I ever had. And on top of all of that you have Craig. His been where you have been, you have someone to go through this with. Which is again so much more than what I had. You may not feel it right now, but you are lucky"

John Paul stood processing everything that had just been said. Words seemed to be failing him today. Even as he opened his mouth no words came out, there were so many response he could give to that so many things he could say back, but they didn't seem to mean much, everything that needed to be said had been said.

"Thank you. I'm sorry too. For what I said. I didn't mean it. Everything that I've been feeling towards myself, I've been taking out on everyone else"

Tom nodded "I understand"

The cab waiting outside horn beeped, and pulled Tom's attention away from John Paul briefly. "I have to go"

He turned and headed slowly to the door, John Paul followed. Stopping in his tracks when Tom turned round quickly. "Can I just ask you one question. And you don't have to answer me" He paused and seemed to find the strength to ask "Do you love him?"

John Paul stepped back slightly. He hadn't been expecting that. But without even thinking the words had left him "Yes. I do love him"

Tom nodded "Good"

And then he was gone. There had been a small sight of relief across his face before he left. John Paul suddenly felt exhausted. He still wasn't unconvinced that this was all some kind of dream. He looked around the empty room. Staring at the photo's that Tom had pointed out to him. He shook his head, he really had been such an idiot. All of the pictures held smiling faces. All of the good moments they had together. There had been crappy moments. So many of them, but they never out weighed the good, because as tripe as it sounded they had always had each other. He might despair of the sometimes, and wish that he had been born into a different family, but the truth was he wouldn't have changed any of them, or anything.

He had used them as cover up for his own fear. Worrying what they would think, when in truth it had been him who couldn't let any of it go. He did love Craig. That was something he was sure was never going to change, how could he hide that from them? Why would he want to. They cared about him and ultimately surely would want him to be happy. And he tried to picture a life with no Craig, a life with Craig as a secret, and it wasn't enough. It would never be enough unless he was completely honest.

I tried to chase you down I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground

The fear was still there, but something was overpowering that fear, a determination to finally do the right thing, to be the person that for some reason Craig had seen all along. To finally be honest.

Keep spinning around I know that it wont stop till I step down from this for good