"Thank you guys for exploring the city with me! You can leave tips on your way out, have a great day!" I say to a bus full of tourists who stare back at me with grim expressions. I don't blame them, riding on the open top of a double decker bus on a Saturday evening in the middle of January isn't exactly my idea of fun either.

"You enjoy your first tour?" I ask my coworker Evan, the New York native I started training today who can't be much older than I am. He only shrugs in response.

"I hate tourists, man."

I raise my eyebrows. "You picked the right line of work, then." I mutter sarcastically. He runs a hand through his dirty blond hair as the bus comes to a halt.

"Feel free to exit the bus in a one by one fashion and I hope you all have a wonderful day!" I speak into the microphone, exhaling a deep breath.

Evan raises his eyebrows as he glances at the large amount of people getting off of the bus. "Do they ever tip?"

I shrug. "Sometimes."

"Right." He clicks his tongue.

"So what is this?" I ask, motioning around the bus. "You trying to pay for school or something?"

Evan shakes his head. "I'm not a college type of person. It's more of just..." He shrugs. "My parole officer got me this job."

I raise my eyebrows, surprised at his honesty when we've hardly spoken twenty words to each other.

Before I can say anything in response, his voice comes back. "You?"

"I need the cash." I shrug, not wanting to go too far into detail. I survey the now empty bus and begin walking down the stairs.

I pause until both Evan and I have made it down the stairs and I can face him with stern eyes. "You sure you're up for taking my shift for the next week?" I ask.

He nods and I raise my eyebrows. "Sorry about putting this on you after your first day, no one else was up to covering me." I mumble sheepishly.

Evan shrugs. "It's fine. Doesn't seem too hard."

"Nah. You've lived here your whole life, you know everything about this city. I think you'll be fine." I say. "And if you're unsure, remember that it's really damn easy to bullshit these people." I glance inside the tiny gift shop of the tour company and shake my head. "That woman's about to pay $25 for a Statue of Liberty figurine."

Evan laughs and I glance down at my phone, my eyes widening when I see the time. I've got a flight back to Seattle in less than fifteen hours and I've hardly packed. Leave it to me to keep this off until last minute. I've been trying to avoid it. I mean, it's not exactly like this week off is a vacation. Far from it.

I give my coworker a small wave. "Thanks again!" I shout as I begin walking down the crowded street, immediately pulling out my phone when Evan is out of sight.

"Hey, I just got off. You ready?" I mumble to Freddie as I glance at the street sign above me.

"I'm at 24th and-" He stops abruptly. "Wait, I see you!"

"Hey, baby." Freddie exclaims to get my attention and even on the crowded, busy street I hear his voice, walking over to his side.

"Hey." I sigh. "Where are the twins?"

"Carly and Ava are watching them, I didn't want to bring them, you know."

I nod softly as he begins to lead us in the right direction, to the courthouse so we can finally obtain our marriage license.

I wish it would all be said and done tonight, but in the state of New York it takes over 24 hours for a marriage license to become valid, so we'll be cleared to get married by the time we get back from Seattle. And then hopefully I'll have a better understanding of what's going on in Melanie's head, I'll be able to talk to my mom and Freddie and I will be completely ready.

I grasp his hand and exhale. "This is definitely a good decision."

He raises his eyebrows in response but I don't let him say anything. "I want to finally start our life without all the baggage." I mumble. I know marriage isn't going to guarantee that, but it might help. We'll finally make the step into getting a place for just our family. I'll be able to hopefully dedicate myself to Freddie more than I have been recently.

"We can look for apartments as soon as we get back from Seattle." I state, my eyes grazing over his. I avoid talking about how nervous I am about this trip, how the idea of seeing my mother again has been haunting me for days.

The look Freddie gives in return seems promising but questioning as he takes hold of my hand and squeezes it softly. Freddie can read my mind like nobody else, I know he knows I'm not exactly psyched about this trip, but he masks it in his cheerful voice. "Sounds good, baby."

"Sam, Spencer wants you guys to bring him...what is it Spence?" Carly pauses as she lifts her phone to her ear. "Belgian waffles from that street cart."

"Those definitely aren't gonna do well on a six hour flight." Freddie interjects, tossing a shirt into his suitcase.

I shrug. "I'll bring him the waffle."

"He wants chocolate syrup, strawberries and whipped cream." Carly murmurs before rolling her eyes and walking out of mine and Freddie's room, the phone still to her ear.

I sigh, sadly glancing at Owen in his crib. "I feel so bad." I grumble. "I hate leaving him alone."

"He's not gonna be alone, Sam. I'll be here for the next three days, and then he'll have Ava and Carly to take care of him."

"Still," I pout in response. "I've never been away from one of my kids for this long. It doesn't seem fair that Lucas is going but Owen can't."

"We can't risk taking him on a flight that long, baby." Freddie frowns, attempting to make me feel better with a stroke of my arm.

I shrug, glancing at Owen in his crib before I realize there's no point in defending myself. Freddie's right, O just isn't healthy enough to be flown across the country. "I know." I slump down on the only part of the bed not covered by suitcases and glance at Freddie. "This," I mutter, throwing my hands up as air quotes "vacation is gonna suck."

Freddie raises his eyebrows in agreement, lifting Lucas off of the floor. "Don't get too worried about it, Sam. I'm flying in right after my interview on Wednesday."

I look up at him with big eyes, leaning in to meet my lips with his. "Okay." I say quietly. I think I'll be able to handle spending time with Melanie in Seattle for the next three days. I'm still terrified of the idea of seeing my mother, but I'm trying not to focus on it. I'm trying not to focus on a lot of things happening in Seattle.

"Sam!" I hear my sister call from her room and I pull myself out of Freddie's embrace, shrugging sheepishly at him.

"What, Mel?" I ask from her doorway, staring at the disheveled suitcase on her bed.

"You think I should bring this?" She murmurs, holding up a puffy black coat in her hands.

I only shrug. How Melanie is so calm about this trip is beyond me. She's usually the one who freaks out and shuts down when something serious and different is happening, but right now she couldn't be more...normal about this whole situation. Our roles are switched and it's beginning to scare me.

"Well?" My sister taps her foot and I raise my eyebrows.

"I guess." I reply, quickly turning around and exiting the room before walking back in my bedroom and picking my son up off of the floor.

"Hey, buddy!" I exclaim as Lucas adjusts his position in my arms before settling and staring up at me with huge brown eyes.

He only laughs softly in response and I smile at him, lifting him in my arms as I walk a few feet to pick his brother up as well. I grab Owen with only one arm, impressed with the arm strength I've gained since the twins have been getting bigger.

"You know what?" I motion to Freddie, who accepts Luke in his arms. "Maybe I'll just fly into Seattle after your interview."

He raises his eyebrows and starts in a sweet tone. "It's only three days without me, baby. I think you'll manage."

I shake my head and rock Owen. "I should be there for you, this is a huge deal!"

"It's fine, Sam."

"No, it isn't!" I sigh. "I'm supposed to be there for you! What kind of fiancé does that?!"

Freddie moves his free hand away Lucas to brush a piece of hair off of my face. "I won't tell you if I got it or not till I get to see you in person, okay?"

No matter what the compromise is, I'm still gonna feel guilty for not being with him for this occasion. Freddie has been with me through everything, the least I could do is stay in the city and be there for him when he needs me. Still, I push myself closer to him, mumbling into his shoulder. "Of course, nub."

I'm jolted awake by the beeping of my alarm, nonstop ringing until I slam my fist down on it, knocking it off the table.

The clock reads 5:31. I'm overcome with nerves about this trip and there's no way I slept more than two hours throughout the night. I can barely close my eyes anymore, I'm too anxious. I'm trying not to think about the nightmares I encountered last night, direct scenes from my childhood playing over in my head and over until the annoying sounds of the alarm clock woke me.

Freddie shifts next to me and I run my arm over his. I don't want to fully wake him, he had a shitty night of sleep too and even got up around three to rock Owen back to sleep. Of course now the twins are dead asleep, and the only two people up in this entire apartment, maybe even the entire city, are me and Melanie.

I sigh as I pull myself out of bed, watching my sister quietly walk into the room with disheveled hair, wearing a pair of sweatpants and a crew neck.

She hardly acknowledges me as she moves over to peer over Owen and Luke's cribs, seemingly impressed with how they're sleeping.

I move a finger to my lip and whisper "Don't you dare wake them up."

Melanie sighs, standing over Owen's and moving a hand over his tiny fingers. "I won't."

I get closer to her, staring down at my son and biting my lip softly. I can tell how tense Mel is about the trip by the way she stays still over the crib, not talking at all. She's not used to being sober and nervous.

Suddenly, a thought occurs to me and I raise my eyebrows, staring my twin down until she makes eye contact with me. "What?" She asks, annoyance in your voice.

"You can't bring drugs on the plane, Melanie."

"Are you kidding me?" Mel's voice gets louder and I shush her quickly before she explodes again. "I'm not stupid, okay? I can go a week without..." She trails off. "I should finish packing. We gotta be out of here in half an hour."

I nod softly as I grab Luke's outfit for the day from the dresser, placing it on the bed.

I run a hand through my own hair and decide that it looks at least moderately okay for spending the entire day on a plane before I pull a pair of yoga pants and a sweatshirt on.

Looking back down at Owen, I study his dark features and almond shaped eyes. I softly move my hands in Luke's crib as I pull him up, cradling him. He's unsurprisingly silent and I smile. Owen is colicky because of his health, but Freddie and I are damn lucky that the other twin hardly ever cries. Seriously. Maybe once in awhile when he's hungry, but other than that...nothing.

I place Luke on the bed as his eyes slowly begin to open and he stares back up at me.

"Morning, baby." I whisper to him. "You wanna go see where Mama and Daddy used to live?"

He only babbles in response and I watch Freddie stir in his sleep, turning over to look at our son.

I move a hand on his back, mumbling "Go back to bed, baby."

Of course he doesn't hear a word I say, he just sits up straighter and shakes his head, almost instantly fully awake. "You need me to watch him when you're getting ready?"

I shake my head. "It's fine." I murmur, not moving Lucas from my lap as I sit still on the bed, attempting to put off this trip for just a few more minutes.

I need to go to Seattle, though. Freddie does too. We need full closure away from that city. We left with no warning, we packed our bags quickly because we had to and we left too much undone on the West Coast. I need to talk to my mom. Freddie has to come to terms with his dad's death, something he never really got to do even though he died over a decade ago. After this, we'll be able to get married and never set foot in that city again unless it's to see Spencer or Mrs. Benson. And that is comforting.

Except now's the uncomfortable part, where I actually have to do the things that will give me some sort of closure. That's absolutely terrifying.

Freddie's eyes search my face, his own falling into a perplexed expression. "You okay?"

I sigh. "I don't want to see her."

"Baby..." He mumbles softly, biting his lip as though he's trying to figure out what to say next. "Why are you so afraid to talk to her?"

If anybody other than my fiancé or Carly asked me this, I would become defensive, but Freddie's is genuinely curious and I accept that. "I don't know," I say, my voice gruff. A moment of silence passes between us as Freddie sits up a bit more and picks Lucas from my lap, cradling him in his arms instead.

"It's just that...I've spent so long trying to distance myself from her and tell myself I don't really need a mother figure in my life. I feel like as soon as I see her..."

I shake my head as Freddie finishes my sentence. "You're going to accidentally trust her again?"

"Yeah, I guess I don't want to set myself up for disappointment." I sigh. "She's gonna have to be sober for however long her sentence is and I dunno, she could possibly be strong enough to make it a longtime thing. Not like that means anything. It doesn't take back anything." I say this mostly for me, trying again to remind myself that I shouldn't build my trust on how long my mom is sober for. Her sobriety doesn't mean shit with everything else she put me through.

"Sam..." Freddie says uneasily, noticing the way I've latched onto him, my arms eagerly wrapped around his neck. "Talking to her doesn't mean you're rekindling your relationship."

I only shrug, as if to say 'But it's so easy to fall into that trap.'

I'm not surprised by the way Freddie reads my mind, lifting my head up so our eyes can meet as he mumbles "You're smart as hell, Sam, she can't manipulate you anymore."

This statement only calms my nerves for a second before I realize that there is someone who can be manipulated easily, especially by my mom. Mel. A new wave of anxiety replaces the other one I was feeling. I shouldn't be worried about myself falling into my mom'a bullshit, I should be worried about my sister.

"Shit." I groan upon realizing this, glancing up at Freddie with wide eyes. "I need to get Melanie to realize this."

As if on cue my sister appears in the doorway, a glum look on her face.

"If we leave now we might be able to see the sunrise out the cab window." She mumbles with a shrug.

"Yeah." I respond, grabbing my suitcase in one hand as my eyes shift nervously to Freddie. "Just give us a sec."

Melanie raises her eyebrow, walking to the bedside and picking her nephew out of Freddie's arms, cooing into his ear as she leaves the room.

I don't need to say anything aloud for Freddie to know what I'm thinking. He's thinking it too. As soon as Mel sees my mom, sober for a change, she'll begin to idolize her again, just like she did when we were kids. She'll look up to her like she's this great motherly figure, one that never actually existed in the body of Pam Puckett. It won't take long for Melanie to realize the hard truth and her addictive habits will increase and could even spiral out of control. It's bound to happen, just like it did when I was pregnant and my sister hears that our mom was in the hospital. She had false hope that everything would magically be okay when she got to Seattle. It wasn't. It never is.

"Why the hell did I agree to this?" I whisper to my fiancé, who just raises his eyebrows in return.

"You need closure. And who knows, maybe Melanie does too. Maybe this is closure for both of you."

I consider this, nodding softly. Closure means that neither Melanie or I will have pressure to rekindle our relationship with our mom. We'll just find out answers to questions we've had our whole life and finally be able to talk to her. It can't be all bad if we don't open ourselves to her.

"I love you." I say softly, wishing I could stay in Freddie's embrace. His arm tightens around my body and I smile softly, moving my face up to kiss him. "Good luck with your interview, you've got it."

He offers me a soft "See you in three days?"

"Yeah," I mumble, realizing that three days without Freddie seems a damn lot longer than it should. We've become so dependent on each other, especially me to him. It might not be healthy, but that's the only way we can operate. Completely co dependent and probably too mentally unstable for our own good. "I'm gonna do this chiz."

So sorry for the recent lack of updates! I promise that I'm going to start updating more. Please review and let me know your thoughts on the chapter!