A/N: Happy New Year! Sorry I took a long hiatus but I finally figured out how to tell this story... I needed some sort of time jump.

Burning Bridges: Chapter 37

"It's been one week, Sean" Alex's all-too familiar voice rang through his ears. He sat at his table in shocked silence, listening to the sound of her steady rhythm. On the other line, her voice remained soft, yet ever-so heartbreakingly somber. He knew this call must have been very difficult for her.

"I wish I could say I knew you well enough to track your moves," Alex tells him, "I wish I could count to ten and you'd be here; but I also know, it's though luck to keep wishing for things that'll never come. I know that now," He hears her sigh, "I have to work for it. I guess you did me a favor by leaving... I needed to start over. Or rather - start... finally figuring out what I'm doing here. I - I just - listen, I'm calling to let you know: I'm trying to get better, Sean. I did promise you that... didn't I?"

There's a pause before she continues, this time a little more confident, "There's still a lot I can't recall, but it hasn't stopped me from trying to make up for all the wrongs that I have caused," Alex admits. "I don't know if you'll ever get this message, or if you even want to hear my voice, but I just wanted you to know: I'm still trying, Sean. So don't give up on me, yet."

That was the end of the first of many unheard messages. Sean frowned, she was making it extremely difficult for him to stay away, but he wanted to tell himself it was for the best. Alex knew that, she understood why he left. But he still wondered where she was. He hoped that she wasn't still in Division, or hiding out in the barn waiting for him to return.

He tried to picture her somewhere else - somewhere safe. Her voice on the other line gave no echo, no other sounds he could decipher. He thought she might be in the comforts of her home by now - most likely wrapped up in a soft wool blanket they had purchased together four months ago. But if she had returned home, she would've surely found more memories by now.

With that in mind, his eyes couldn't help himself but wander to the next blinking red light on his answering machine.

More messages. She was torturing him, Sean could tell. "Why are you doing this?" he questions, "I left my phone - that's cheating" he frowns, "you shouldn't trace me, Alex. Remember this..."

He couldn't forget, she never played by the rules. This game they always played wasn't fair but if she could remember the trail back to him, it would be a win-win for them both. "A couple more days," Sean insists, "I know you can do it."

His finger hovered above the delete button, but her voice stopped him. "I remember, Sean" the next message plays automatically.

She seemed more upbeat this time. "I'm not gonna lie" Alex says, "Hello?"

"Alex..." Sean stopped himself. He debated picking up the phone and dialing her.

"Hello?" Her voice called for him again but Sean looked away. He longed for the days until her voice was more than just a distance away from his touch. But he was too proud of her progress. He hoped she was telling him the truth, that she was in fact getting better and that maybe it was he who was out of his mind instead.

His finger still hovered over the delete button but he couldn't press it. "...It's been 16 days," Alex pauses, as if giving him another moment to decide whether to answer her back or not. "Sean?" Alex asks. She sighed and continued on sadly, "I remember what I told you before it all went blank. It's taken me this long, but I'm finally ready to accept my role in the mutiny" she says, "Flashbacks and all. Nikita and them, they're adamant it wasn't my fault. But you and I know that's not the truth."

"This is the truth, I'm fairly certain of it; but if some details are off, I apologize - I'm still working on it" Alex laughs. Sean smiled, she was showing a lighter side to herself amid the serious tone of her calls.

"It was March... not a month before," Alex recalls, "I was locked up in a holding cell at a Swiss police department, plotting a way out, when I overheard a phone call being directed to the warden in charge - that's when I knew Birkhoff had found a way to rescue me. It was not long before, I remember, I was being transported in the back of a police car that the first gunshot went off..."

There's another pause, Sean could overhear her struggling now with a headache but she shook it off like a champ. "I turned my head... and another shot went off - it was Amanda" Alex continues, "I didn't think I would make it out alive, but she wouldn't have it any other way."

Sean quickly paused the message. He didn't want to hear this story. It was a chapter in their lives he wanted to forget about, but the realization suddenly hit - Alex couldn't. He instantly felt bad for her. She must have been struggling with the trauma since day one.

"I was her prisoner" Alex continues, "she made sure I would never forget this... so it became a nightmare etched in the center of my mind. I never understood it until now."

"I can replay it, over and over again in my head" Alex tells him sadly. "The long drive to Amanda's safe house felt like enough torture for me without having to catch her eyes in the rear-view mirror staring at me every now and then. Like daggers," she confesses, "I finally had enough nerve to ask her:"

"Why are you doing this?" Alex shouts toward her kidnapper.

She glared into Amanda's reflected gaze until she responded, "Wow, it's been a long time since we had a proper conversation" Amanda replies with a smile on a face.

"You can't get away with this! Nikita will find out where I am and come looking for me."

"Oh, I'd like that" Amanda smirks. Alex raised her eyebrows, questioning her. "In fact I'm hoping for it" Amanda glanced at her in the rear-view mirror again, making Alex even more upset. "Don't worry, Alex. I will return you to Nikita - After you answer a few questions for me."

"Screw you, Amanda. I'm not helping you."

Amanda suddenly stopped the car and turned around to face her. "Don't be rude, Alex. I never promised I would return you to Nikita in one piece."

"Her threat was real" Alex continues her story with no break in memory. "I've been working with Birkhoff, everyday Sean, trying my best to remember the pieces she took away from me" she tells him proudly, "I wish you were here to see the progress..."

"I wish I was too" Sean replies to her somber voice recording. He sighed and waited for Alex's voice once more.

"Amanda had me trapped," Alex goes on. "I tried to remain stoic in her presence. I told myself there had to a way out of this... that any moment Nikita would find the path to intercept me. But I was running out of time. A car pulled up behind us and two men exited it to speak to her" she recalls hastily, "I pulled on the car doors again, screaming, 'Let me out of here!' but it was no use. I was forced to watch and wait in horror as the two men walk up to the sides of the car - eying me like I was just another golden ticket for them to sell."

"When the doors finally opened I fought my way out, but there was two of them," Alex struggles to describe the next events, "They grabbed... and slammed me against the metal sides of the patrol... For a moment all I saw was blackness."

"His hands covered my eyes. I tried to scream and elbow him with as much force my bind hands would allow. It only made it worse - I could feel his grip tighten around my neck now, and more pressure against my skull."

"Thats when she started laughing" Alex slows down, "I couldn't see her face anymore until she walked into my view".

"Oh Alex," Amanda smirks, "How feeble it is to keep fighting a war not even your own". She looks toward her soldiers and commands, "hold your grip, I need her still standing, do you understand?"

The strong man nodded his head and released his grip on Alex, causing her to tip over onto the car's side. "GET UP!" Amanda shouts at her, "you may be weaken but I know you're still stronger than that. Where is the Alex I trained you to be?"

"You never trained me" Alex weakly lifts herself up, "Nikita did. You only wish you were as strong as her."

"She never looked affected," Alex continues. "If I remember anything correctly about Amanda it's that she's hard to beat - but nothing is impossible."

"Any luck playing Operations, Chief?" Birkhoff asks as he walks into Ryan's old office space.

Michael sat behind his desk, papers scattered all around. "No," he replies. He then took a moment to look over the map laid across his table before looking up and sighing, "how's your end?"

"Sonya and I have been working on the last of ShadowNet's satellites" Birkhoff informs him, "I think by this time tomorrow we'll be at full 100% capacity."

"That's good" Michael sits back, a little bit more relaxed, "finally some progress being made."

Birkhoff stared at his friend, "Unbelievable," he rolls his eyes, "you know Alex is getting better right?" he tells him, "She's remembering more. A lot more... This time about Geneva, Mikey. It's a breakthrough."

Michael acknowledged the good news, but part of him couldn't be fully happy. He wished he could be happy for Alex, but he had other things on his mind. "What's wrong?," Birkhoff asks him, concerned. When Michael didn't reply, Birkhoff shook his head and assumed the worst.

"You look at her like she's still broken, don't you?" Birkhoff frowns. He glanced at Michael but couldn't meet his eyes. "Like she's this unfixable doll?" he asks.

Michael shook his head, "no", he tries to say but Birkhoff wouldn't have it.

"She's not a doll!" Birkhoff shouts in her defense. "She's more than that and you know it! She's getting better, Mikey. Everyday, but you don't see it because you've been locked in this office behind that desk, not caring to even help her?" Birkhoff frowns, "She needs you too, Michael. Nikita's training isn't enough without some sense of balance. Perhaps you could provide that."

"I can't provide her anything!" Michael shouts back, angrily. He stands up from his desk and took a moment to calm down. "What am I supposed to do?" he asks, "Sean left us without a single clue and now Nikita is off playing war games with Alex. Who's left to run Division?"

"Division?" Birkhoff looks at him confused, "who cares about Division? Alex - well a weirdly disoriented/under Amanda's evil influence Alex - destroyed it. She set us free, Mikey. Let it go. We have nothing to worry about now."

"It's been months, Birkhoff" Michael counters, "The only thing I've been trying to provide is more time, more patience. Because that's the only thing I was good for" he looks around his desk, "certainly none of this operational stuff" he frowns, "I'm not Ryan..." he looks at Birkhoff, "and that's something I can't convince the President of."

"The President?" Birkhoff looks shocked.

Michael looks at the phone on his desk and nods, "She's been asking to speak to him, Birkhoff. I've run out of excuses and I can't tell her that one of our agents - even if she was under Amanda's influence - shot him!"

"Ohhhh," Birkhoff understands now.

Michael sighed and sat back down at his desk, "You work on your part, and let me worry about mine."

"Have you told anyone else about the President?" Birkhoff asks.

"No," Michael replies.

"Not even Nikki?" Michael shook his head. "Oh Michael, no, you gotta tell her! You know how much Nikita hates secrets."

"It's not a secret the President is trying to keep tabs on us okay?" Michael glances at the phone on his desk, "the next time this phone rings I want to be prepared. It's my job to protect all of us down here now that Ryan is... unable to," he frowns.

"Can't you just tell her the truth?" Birkhoff suggests, "He got in an accident... sometimes people have to be brave in the line of duty. The President should understand, but we're working to make everything better."

"An accident?" Michael has to think about it.

"Not a lie, but not far from the truth. After-all the best lies do have the most truth am I right?"

"That's something Nikita would say" Michael laughs.

"I probably overhead it from her" Birkhoff admits.

"Okay, back to work" Michael insists, "no more distractions."

Birkhoff nods and walks toward the door. He can't quite exit yet and hovers for a moment, thinking out loud, "sometimes even the best of us have to take breaks, Michael. Even for a moment to just stretch or breathe."

"I know," Michael thanks his friend, "I'll try to remember that."

"Don't just try," Birkhoff encourages, "I meant what I said before. You should go visit her, see how she's doing. Alex could use another familiar face."

Michael nodded. "Does she remember anything more?"

"Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean you've forgotten. It's inherent, Alex. FIGHT BACK!" Nikita shouts. She threw another attack, meeting the side of Alex's arm. "Ah, there you go!" Nikita smirks, "Defend yourself. I know you can do it."

"I'm trying!" Alex exclaims, frustrated when Nikita grabbed her arm she used to block with.

"Try harder!" Nikita shouts. She pushed Alex away from her and watched as the girl stumbled back. "Remember what I taught you!"

Alex glared at her and began to run, full force. She kicked her leg in the air and met Nikita's arm. "You're charging," Nikita states, "stop, think before you attack. You're never going to hit me if you keep doing that."

"I'm not as smart as you," Alex complains, "I can't predict your moves."

"Yes you can."

"Stop saying that!" Alex shouts. She grew more angry, throwing useless punches.

Nikita easily blocked every one of them. "You're frustrated," she counters, "you think you're not good enough to be an agent, but you are. You were one of the best."

"Nikita…" Alex tries to argue, but Nikita ignored her, continuing her praising.

"Alex, you were amazing," Nikita smiles as she blocked another one of Alex's attacks. "Everyone could see it, everyone but you apparently."

"I'm modest, what can I say?" Alex laughs. She tried to throw another punch but Nikita caught her wrist.

"Certainly, but at the same time, very predictable" Nikita frowns. She held Alex down and stretched out her arm, threatening to break it.

"OW! OWW! Nikita!" Alex cries, "Stop it, stop! Please! I can't. You're hurting me!"

"Yes you can! You've done it before, at the restaurant…" Nikita reminds her, "We were in the restroom, you can get out of this."

"I wasn't thinking… you caught me off guard."

"That right there is proof you've haven't forgotten" Nikita reminds her, "I saw it in you that day and I see it in you now. You're a fighter Alex, so FIGHT BACK!" She lets go of Alex's arm and pushes the girl away from her, "Amanda can't erase everything."

"She hasn't!" Alex angrily shouts back, "I REMEMBER!"

"Then tell me!" Nikita rushes toward her, "WHO ARE YOU!?"

Alex stood her ground, as soon as Nikita was within a few inches of her side, Alex quickly ducked out of the way and grabbed Nikita's leg, successfully flipping the master onto her side. "My name is Alexandra Udinov!" she stands above her mentor, "I've been through a horrible war, survived, and now I'm telling you, Nikita, I'M NOT DONE YET!"

"I told you that I would try - try my hardest to get better... right?" Alex's voice continues to play on the line. "I want you to know: that whatever Amanda did to me to make it all go wrong can be reversed... because I know better now. I see better, but I don't think you know: there's no one better for me than you. Come home, Sean. I miss you."

Automatically the messages started playing one after another. "It's been 27 days, Sean" Alex remained somber. He still sat at his table in silence, listening to the sound of her speech. "I remember now," she continues to tell him. Her voice was still persistent and soft, he tried to picture where she was. "I remember the cold and the white covered streets," she recalls, "I remember the way we walked down the lightly covered path towards that corner with the bakery that sold your favorite buttercream cupcakes. It was after the call - we were supposed to meet Nikita at the office when you stopped me - mid-sentence. Remember?" she asks, "You told me to hell with two weeks, you'll ditch the SEALs for me..."

"Alex, wait" Sean stops her abruptly, "I know you're mad. Listen, I've been thinking... I can call out. I can get out. I just have to go to D.C., talk to some people I know. They can do me a favor. Alex, wait... give me a chance. Maybe in two weeks, we can-"

"What?" Alex cuts him off, "Go dancing?" she jokes. That type of normalcy looked foreign to her.

"Yeah..." Sean smiles back at her. "We could go out, be a normal couple for once. I don't have to be a SEAL anymore."

Alex stared at him, not knowing how to respond to him. "I wish that could be true," Alex frowns. She looked back at him, he looked so sincere.

"What's wrong?" he asks, "Are you still mad?"

"No," Alex meets his eyes and smiles, "Sean, I'm not mad. I could never really be mad at you. But, I know this isn't who you are. Look at us Sean, we're not normal. You have to be a SEAL. It's who you are. Don't give your life up for me, it's not worth it."

"You are worth it" Sean counters, "I love you Alex."

"Sean..."

"Shh, you don't have to say it. Not now," he pulls her to the side of the street, "In two weeks, Alex, let's go out. I owe you that much. One dance..."

"We were supposed to meet at this new old-fashion nightclub downtown," Alex announces to her friend. They sat in the middle of the training room, alone, "Normally the lights and glamour of a party scene wouldn't necessarily be my cup of tea," Alex tells her, "but this place... oh Nikita, this place was different."

"How?" Nikita asks.

"After Kendrick died, I remember a period in Division when it was silent. Nearly two weeks after the news broke, Sean's image was slowly disappearing off the nightly news feeds. But we still remained here..." Alex looks around the room. Her eyes found the punching bag and sighed heavily, "He told me this was one of my favorite hiding spots" she frowns, "maybe I hid here a little too often."

"We had a date..." Alex reminisces, "Saturday, at the club..."

"8 o'clock?" Sean asks. "Two weeks from now."

"Okay, but I don't really know how to dance" Alex replies.

"It doesn't matter" Sean smiles, "just be there. And don't be late."

"I was so distracted" Alex frowns. "We made a date but things changed so fast. Sean was framed after that, his option of being a SEAL was no longer on the table. And we were so busy trying to save him that I had completely forgotten about a normal date night... it seemed more like a fantasy." She looked at Nikita and sighed, "two weeks had gone by so fast, I didn't even realize the date was fast approaching. But when I looked at him, standing across from me with those darn puppy dog eyes of his - I remembered - I still owed him a dance."

"It's not too late" Nikita encourages her, "you can still dance."

"No... no," Alex shakes her head, "It is. He left, Nikita. I'm past my deadline."

"Maybe he's still waiting for you" Nikita offers. "You remembered, it must count for something."

"One dance..." Alex's messages remind him, "If it's not too late... I can meet you. Saturday?" she asks, "At the club we visited you loved so much."

"8 o'clock?" Sean wonders.

"8 o'clock" Alex confirms, "I won't be late."

A/N: Still can't figure out where Sean is? Well it doesn't matter as long as he gets Alex's messages right? Saturday, at the club. Don't be late.