18
Window Reflections
Delirious on Arrival
Stumbling into the kitchen, Amanda switched on the light. Blinking in the sudden brightness of the light, she headed to the refrigerator for the milk. She was having a hard time sleeping, and she thought that a warm cup of milk would be just the thing to calm her restless stomach and settle her thoughts. When she had gotten home that evening, she had just wanted to go to bed, but the boys had their hearts so set on Goofy Golf that she had gone along. She had spent the time sitting on a bench, watching them play and sipping ginger ale. Her stomach was still sensitive after the pump and no solid food seemed palatable. She was sure she would never eat another chicken salad sandwich. As soon as their game was over and they had gone home, her mother had gotten the boys to bed, she too, had gone upstairs and had tried to sleep.
But that was when the strange images started parading through her mind. Weird and confusing scenes, like her mother sitting at Mrs. Marsden's desk asking for passwords and her boys all dressed up like grown professionals. Were they pretending to be spies? She had flashes of memory that seemed scary and completely ridiculous at the same time, like Francine holding a long knife and coming after her in a menacing manner. She didn't always like Francine, and she knew that Francine wasn't always pleased with her, but she was quite sure that Francine had never and would never pull a knife on her.
She knew that the drug that Retzig had put into that sandwich had hallucinogenic properties in it; Lee and Billy had explained that part to her. But some of the things she was remembering seemed very lifelike, and she wasn't sure what had really happened and what was a hallucination or a dream. She could remember moments where she had felt like she had been obsessing about food. She could remember thinking she was on a tight rope in the circus. She also had a suspicion that she had tried to take over the whole Retzig operation. She could remember bits of a phone conversation. Had she called Mr. Melrose Bill? She could even remember holding a gun, although it seemed a bit large in her hand?
It was completely unnerving to stand there in her kitchen completely aware of her surroundings and have all of these odd recollections coming to her. The other week she had stood in her kitchen and had felt uncomfortable with the fact that there had been another woman who looked like her, pretending to be her in her kitchen. Tonight it was her own action that she couldn't recognize. All she knew was that Lee, Billy and Francine, as well as others at the Agency, kept giving her funny looks as she left that afternoon. And now she was having some pretty strange recollections.
Maybe some of them had some meaning. Maybe what had come out in those dreams, she hoped they had all been dreams, had been a reflection of some of the things that she had been keeping buried inside of her. Immediately she thought of the brief images of her mother and the boys at the Agency. She could understand why she would picture them there while under the influence of hallucinogenic drugs. It probably had something to do with the guilt that she struggled with due to the lies that she had to continually tell her family. Somehow she was going to have to finally make peace with that part of this job.
There was, however, one other impression from her delusional period that just wouldn't leave her mind. All of the others came to her like wisps of a fog. This one hung thickly all around her and seemed to become clearer even though she was trying her best to ignore it. Why did she continue to have to fight those romantic inclinations towards Lee? Just when she thought she had gotten over any attraction toward him or the pipe dream of anything more than a working relationship with him and had put her best professional foot forward, it would come back up. There in a moment of a compromised mental state due to the hazards of her line of work, those silly romantic dreams cropped up again. She couldn't remember the details, something with candles, champagne and a baseball? But she could remember very clearly how that dream felt. It was exciting, romantic, bittersweet, passionate and so dog gone real. Oh gosh! How come everything else was hazy except this one part?
She could almost remember the words they had spoken - something about her having to leave him because she had a job to do. It was just like Casablanca wasn't it? Something about their feelings not mattering in this crazy world and they would always have Arlington? And then she had kissed him… Once again she tried to shake the image out of her head. Allowing herself to spend time thinking about that dream, or whatever it was, was not a wise move. Lee was not a candidate for a romantic relationship for her, even if he wanted it, which he didn't, she was sure. After all, he spent time with women like Randi-Baby. Not Amanda King, mother of two with a mother, a mortgage and a station wagon. What did they have in Arlington anyway? Where she lived was just a suburb of DC. It was made up of families like hers just trying to get by. Some of the parents had government jobs, but most of them were normal people like her. Lee didn't fit in Arlington at all. What did they have here except secret meetings on her patio whenever he needed her for a job? No, there could be no significance to what her drug-altered mind had come up with. It was probably best to just chalk it up to the drugs in the sandwich, like all the other recollections she just had. She would be able to understand it all with a better perspective in the morning after a good night's sleep.