Mackenzies story:
I woke up early in the morning, I grabbed my phone from the bedside table and saw it has just gone 3am.
I looked at Carlos who slept soundly next to me. We had a nice evening together last night but I couldn't get him to talk about what had happened on the island. He said he just wanted to forget it but in all truth it was me that needed to talk about it.
I checked my Facebook and Twitter accounts to occupy myself now that I was awake but nothing of great interest was on either.
I found my self staring at my Google search engine. I knew I was going to do it, truth was I was going to do it days ago but had put it off. I typed the name in.
then hit search images.
I was bombarded with pictures of Logan, a lot I hadn't seen, some Carlos and the other guys were in the picture too but I clicked on one in particular. He was wearing a leather jacket and had a cheeky smile on his face... I missed that smile. I missed Logan. I wonder if he had thought about me at all. What was going through his head that he now wanted to marry Lola? I just didn't get it. After I got my fill of pictures I went through the information that Google offered me, he had been linked with so many girls, a picture of him and Sheri looking very young had made its way online. It made my stomach turn knowing that he had slept with her after finding out he was her brother.
I sighed and pressed home on my cell, I had seen and heard enough. I had made myself feel angry and bitter. Maybe Logan had played me. I looked at Carlos who slept next to me still. Carlos wouldn't hurt me, he would never break my heart.
I placed my phone back on my bedside table and tried to get back to sleep. Thoughts of my sister crept in to my mind, as they always did when I was laying in bed unable to sleep. I looked forward to seeing Kendall. It had been a long time since I had a heart to heart with him and I felt like I needed one now.
"What are you doing awake macks?" Carlos whispered to me through the darkness.
I curled myself in to him. "Just can't get back to sleep that's all." I replied honestly.
Carlos wrapped his arm around me and gave my forehead a kiss. "I love you." He said sleepily. "This is the first night I've slept properly in days."
"Well try and get some more sleep... im fine just like this." I said running my hand on his muscular arm.
Carlos smiled at me, he kissed my forehead again and closed his eyes. He must of been so tired. A few minutes later he was out like a light, gently snoring. It was a nice sound. I didn't realise that I had missed it until hearing it again.
Sleep didn't come again for me during the night. Carlos slept in until almost 10am though, he seemed a lot happier. I busied myself with packing some of my belongings, my mom wasn't happy that I was swanning back to LA but what could she do.
Carlos and I boarded our flight to California just after 5 in the evening. I couldn't relax. My heart felt heavy.
"You seem nervous... is it flying?... Sheri is terrified of flying now, Logan had to persuade her somehow to get on the flight back home." Carlos said taking my hand.
I just nodded in response, I wasn't really bothered about flying. What were the actual chances of another plane I was on crashing. I was bothered about seeing Logan, but the nerves only got worse as we got nearer the house.
Carlos didn't question it any further, he just held my hand. He seemed genuinely happy. I think he was looking forward to being in the safety of his father and brother who were still residing in LA to be near him.
As the taxi pulled up outside the house I took in a deep breath, the place looked packed and it didn't feel like home anymore.
Carlos held my hand as he proudly walked in through the door with me, a thud of loud music and incoherent chatter invaded my ears. Walking our way to the kitchen I saw James first, he stood out being tall. Then I saw Logan. He was talking to a big guy that looked as if he might be a body builder. Paisley was here, Kendall too... they looked intimate. What was going on?
Logan saw me as Carlos pulled me towards his group of friends. He was shocked to see me from what I could tell from his body language. He had stopped mid sentence as he spoke to the big guy, losing all train of thought. Our eyes locked as Carlos pulled me closer I panicked. I could see the look of uncertainty his eyes.
"Carlos! Hey man glad you could make it, saf will be happy." James said.
"I wouldn't miss her party for the world." Carlos replied obviously feeling him and Safia had a special friendship after what they had endured together.
"What the fuck are you doing here!" Kendall said giving me a drunken hug.
I let out a forced laugh, gripping Carlos' hand again once Kendall had set me free from his cuddle. "I guess I can't keep away." I replied. I flashed Logan a look but he was finding something very interesting on the wall as he stared at it.
"Chase can you help me down my butt is going numb." Paisley said to the big body builder looking guy.
"Here I'll do it." Kendall said scooping her in his arms off of the kitchen side where she was sat. It was then I realised I must be dreaming or in some strange parallel universe as kendall set paisley on her own two feet but as the two looked awkwardly at each other, their faces so close together they shared a small kiss! Just a peck... but a kiss still the same. After the kiss they both looked at each other and giggled.
No one else seemed to be thinking this behavior was strange, I wondered where Sheri was? Surely her and Kendall hadn't split up!
"Where is Safia?" Carlos asked james.
"She won't be long, she is just having her arm seen to, it was bleeding pretty bad." James said casually but I felt Carlos' hand tense in mine as the thought of what happened on the island was forced on him unexpectedly. I gave his hand a tender squeeze to say I was there and it was okay but he let go of me.
"It's nice to have you back Mackenzie." Paisley said as I was subjected to a strange kind of eye search by her beefcake side kick, that I now realised was her body guard. He seemed to be scanning me for concealed weapons.
"It's good to be back!" I replied taking Carlos' hand in mine to show we were united and together. "This is where I belong." I added.
"I couldn't agree more." Paisley said with a small smile on her face. It made me nervous that I knew she knew about me and Logan, and also Kendall knew about Logan... and now they seemed to be having some strange relationship together.
"Carlos! It's so good to see you!" Came safias voice from behind me. I turned to see both her and Lola coming towards us.
Safia hugged us both, she looked pleased to see me, Lola made a fuss of Carlos which he seemed to appreciate. Although the jelousy I felt that she had Logan and could also relate to my boyfriend better than I could ate me up inside. She then went up and happily wrapped her arms around Logan's waist and snuggled her self in. I just wanted to escape. Coming here was the biggest mistake I had made. Logan hadn't so much as smiled at me, let alone talked or even said hi.
The celebrations went on in to the night, I felt like a loner, I was introduced to Carlos' father which was fine but pretending to be happy was as exhausting as running a marathon. He soon left though, saying he was going to stay in a hotel as the house was too crowded now that everyone was back under one roof. Carlos did say that he was fine to go back to Florida but his father refused knowing as well as I did that the brave face his son wore was his best form of acting.
Antonio was meant to be around somewhere but I wasn't introduced or saw him.
I noticed paisley look at me on a number of occasions. I felt she knew my thoughts, but it wasn't until her and Kendall announced their departure from the party that she approached me and gave me her cell number.
"Im sure that we will see a lot of each other from now on but if you need a friend... then I do too." She said.
It was a job to not cry over such nice words from someone who didn't have to give a toss about me but I held it together and kept my emotions inside.
"Thanks." Was all I could muster up as my reply. I even got a smile from her oversized bodyguard. Her and Kendall left hand in hand.
The party couldn't of ended soon enough for me but a sigh of relief left my lips when it was time Carlos called it a night and we went upstairs to our room. It looked exactly the same as it always had. I still felt that I had made a huge mistake in coming back, but I was here now so was going to have to ride it out.
Carlos got ready for bed with just giving me a kiss as he got in beside me. We didnt have sex last night and it didnt look like he was pushing for any tonight either. I knew it was going to take time for him to be ready to take that step with me again. I wished for things to hurry up and get better but a sinking feeling told me this was as good as it gets.
The last of the party goers left just after two, the music turned off and I heard the remaining few people down stairs go off to bed. Carlos was again sound asleep. It could only do him good to sleep so much if he had missed out on a lot since leaving the island. He must see me as some kind of security blanket.
I just lay there though. Sleep wasnt interested in taking me, my mind was full of thoughts and memories. the ceiling that I stared up to began to make obscure little pictures the longer I looked at it. It wasnt until I could see the perfect image of my sister as she lay dead the last time I saw her at her funeral that I decided it was time to just get up and take my mind off of everything. I felt tired I just couldnt sleep.
I slipped Carlos' dressing gown on me and went down stairs to make a hot drink. My eyes felt gritty from lack of sleep. I groaned at the clock in the kitchen as it told me it was 3am... what was it with 3am and me being awake.
Standing like a zombie as I poured milk in to a pan and warmed it up at the hob I yawned. Looking around the room I saw that someone must of tidied up as it was pretty much spotless after throwing a party.
"Hey" came a husky voice from behind me, making me jump. I turned around to see logan stood there in boxers and a white tshirt.
"hey." I replied. "I cant sleep." I decided to say. nothing else seemed appropriate to a person that just over a week ago said they were so in love with me then a few hours ago the same person ignored me completly.
"me either." Logan said walking in the room and leaning against the kitchen counter.
"I'm warming some milk... did you want some?" I asked.
Logan looked at the pot I was stirring and nodded. I walked over to the fridge, getting the milk back out and poured some more in to my pan.
An awkward silence followed as we both just stood there watching milk get hot. I had so many questions but he didnt seem to want to acknowedge me.
Pouring the milk out In to two mugs I passed Logan his. He sat down at the table but I walked towards the door to go back upstairs, the uneasy feeling between us was unbearable. "g'night." I said softly to him.
"Macks can we talk?" he said before I could leave.
I turned and nodded. "yeah... yeah I would like that." I confessed. logan gave me a small smile as I pulled a chair out at the table and sat with him sipping at my drink.
"I wasnt expecting to see you again... let alone see you walking in here holding hands with los!" he said. "how come your back together?"
"He begged me. I wasnt expecting to hear that you and Lola were planning a wedding, how did that come about?" I asked him in return.
"I begged her." he revealed.
I shook my head in annoyance, what lttle pieces of my heart were still in one piece were now pounded to dust.
"I'm tired Logan, I'm going to bed." I said not wanting to hear the lies of how I was played by him. I felt like an idiot. Logan grabbed my hand before I could stand up from the table though.
"Please, just let me explain things to you... its not how it looks. I promise you macks... we weren't a lie, hear me out, please!" he whispered still with his hand covering mine.
The tears I kept inside earlier now found it impossible to stay concealed, they ran down my face as I waited to hear his explanation. "go on then.." I whispered back.
"Since the day you told me to go back to Lola after we found out about the baby I havent been able to get you out of my head. I didnt want her, I didnt want the baby. all I wanted was you... you left though macks... you left without even saying goodbye, it... it screwed me up. I resented lola, I felt like she had trapped me and made me lose you... I love you so much macks. I honestly do, but everything changed when I went to Texas. I ran away from my problems. I had full intentions of getting on a plane and just going to find you... some how... some way, but then Sheri turned up." he said with a small smile.
"Sheri?" I asked wondering what was now going to be said.
logan nodded. "yeh she turned up and she basically said that I needed to be a man... there is one man I don't want to be though Macks, and thats what made me fly back to California and beg that girl upstairs to marry me. I dont want to be my father... I cant turn out like him. I dont want my baby to grow up and hate me like I hate him because I send birthday cards in the wrong month or fail to show up for soccor tournaments when I promised to be there... I dont want Lola to go, because I know if she goes she will hate me Macks, because im a terrible person, and if she hates me then she will take that kid away and I won't have any choice than to turn out to be a man like my father. I hope you understand my choice that I made because it's not about me, and it's not about you... it's not even about Lola... it's my baby Mackenzie... I never want to hurt it... I never want it to ashamed that im it's father." he said sounding the most determined I had ever seen him and the most emotional.
I nodded to say I fully understood. "You will be an amazing dad logues... I'm glad you told me."
Logan smiled then looked just passed my shoulder. "Lola! what are you doing up baby? you okay?" he asked standing up to greet her, as I turned around I noticed she looked dreadful as she walked in to the kitchen in her bedshirt.
"I had a bad dream... about my dad again." she said caked in sweat.
"Come on lets get you back up to bed, you can have this." he said passing her the warm milk.
"Night, macks." logan said as he turned at the kitchen door.
"Night." I replied. sitting alone in the kitchen and going over what information was now in my head I felt happy. Logan was doing what was right for him. I could live with that. but he was always going to be my one that got away...
author note: will update tomoz with the lovely lola, thanks to btrloganlover77, karina and victoria for the reviews