Total Drama Returns
The Cheesebub's Message: Well, I said this chapter would be out in November, and it's now December. I guess that makes me lose all my credibility. However, it's December 3, so I'm going to round down to November. There, that's better. Anyways, sorry for another mini-hiatus. All throughout this fall, I had to adjust to high school as well as running Cross Country every afternoon. However, Cross Country is now over, so I think I can get out some pretty quick updates. I hope to have 4-5 updates between now and the end of January. It's going to be a lot of work, but I'm going to try to do it, for you guys. I hope you haven't given up on this fic yet, and that you're still willing to review it. I promise it WILL be finished, and sooner than you think. Now, what else? New poll on my profile you can check out. Also, if it's any consolation, this is another REALLY long chapter. Seriously, these are getting to be mini novels in themselves. Oh, and it's my BIRTHDAY TOMORROW! :D Not like you care, but yeah. This is my birthday present to you guys, I guess, for giving me the present of putting up with my horrible hiatuses. Okay, onto the review responding:
ChloroFax—Yeah, Tyler's been a dick lately, hasn't he? Sorry about that. When I was writing that chapter, I was just watching TDRI for the first time, and, well, after a season of Lightning, I had this stupid jock stereotype in my mind in which they were all arrogant pricks. Glad you liked the laugh track and the tomato throwing. So you think it will be a girl that gets booted? Your reasoning certainly makes sense. Read on to find out! Thanks for the review!
the house master—Yeah, Chef needs to get a life. And say, that's not a bad idea to have the laugh track return! You're very welcome. Thank you for the review!
RedEyedWarrior—That was a long review. Seriously, it took me five minutes to read. Five minutes of… INCREDIBLE PLEASURE! Seriously though, when I thought this chapter was doomed to get close to no reviews, this review seriously picked up my spirits. Thanks for that. Anyways, I agree that Tyler and DJ's conflict is pointless, but it's funny, right? I guess we can come to the conclusion that Chris is just a man who is wrong in many of his ideals. Courtney and Trent are important to the plot, but don't be surprised if one of them gets the boot earlier than you might have expected. So, you want Cody to go, but you think it will be Noah? Interesting. I admit, the preview for this episode was talking about Noah. But you'll have to see if he's eliminated. I agree, Katie is a better antagonist than Trent. Hopefully, a little bit more of your faith in Trent as an antagonist is restored after this chapter. Wow, I'm really happy how well-received the laugh track was! Funniest line on the site? Aw, shucks. Once again, thanks for the review!
Jacky Dupree—Wow, so everyone wants Cody to go. Hmm. I agree, Beth and Lindsay certainly have some storyline left in them. And yeah, Tyler was kind of a douche, wasn't he? Reading back over the chapter, he really came across a lot meaner than I intended for him to be. So you don't like Trentney? Okay, I'll admit, I didn't plan on it at first. But then I got some requests and I decided, "Aw, to hell with it. What's the worst that could happen?" Hopefully you don't hate it so much that it impedes with your reading of my story. And that last sentence of your review is quite true, readers do provide me with all the wonderful reviews. And I love that so much about them. Is that creepy? I think that's creepy. The line about the crazy FanFiction readers was simply Trent being a tool, not my personal opinion. I myself love to read a good FanFiction. Anyways, thank you for the review!
NerdyBarista—Glad it's worth taking the time! Yeah, I think Geoff and Ezekiel work better together as a bromance rather than a rivalry, even if they're both into Bridgette. Speaking of Bridgette, I'm glad you liked Bridgette whooping Courtney's ass. That seems like a rivalry I may want to expand on. Yeah, Lindsay texting Chris is disturbing… but unfortunately their relationship only gets creepier in this chapter. Sorry about that. The Screaming Ivy team is certainly at each other's throats, and after this chapter, it will only become more so. Another person with Cody on their mind for being eliminated! Wow, I was not expecting this. But yeah, your comments about Déjà vu and Noah's video tape certainly seem plausible. You'll have to see, I guess. Oh, and one more thing. I was just wondering: what's your technique for reviewing this fic? Do you go through the story and write the review as you go? As someone who struggles mightily to write a decent review, it'd be great if you could tell me your strategy. Thank you for the review!
TotalDramaWreck—What a poetic review that was! Thank you! You hope it will be Beth, but you think it will be Noah? Interesting, interesting. So you voted for Days 11, 4, and 10? I like the choices. Thank you for the interesting review!
Moonfire157—Thanks so much! I don't know if I've even laughed 1000 times in my lifetime, but still. Thank you for the review!
HGGoneLuv1399—Wonderful. Reading "Total Drama Returns" should be a shared experience, I agree. Okay, that sounded really arrogant. Anyways, thank you for the review, and thank you to your friend as well!
monkeylove123—That's okay. I totally understand what it's like to be stressed. Glad you're back, though! It's true, DJ never gets a break. Tyler's roaring for his blood, his girlfriend is planning to vote him off… poor guy. And yeah, I guess Trent and Courtney are kind of like Alejandro and Heather. Although I don't consider Trentney to be an official couple yet in this fic. Thank you for the review!
IPink Cornflakes—One of the greatest stories you've ever read? Thank you so much! See, this is the true reason why I aspire to get out chapters of this fic, no matter how much it sometimes pains me. You don't think the characters are OOC? Wow, that's a first. Once again, thank you for the review!
Snowsky—Thanks for putting this story on your favorites list! That means a lot. So you don't want Gwen to go home? It would be a shocker, for sure… hmm, we'll have to see, won't we? Thank you for the review!
20cooler—Aw, shucks. I'm sure there are plenty other stories that are ten times better than this one. But thanks anyway. Thank you for the gracious review!
tdroti-lover—Well, I guess four months isn't exactly "ASAP", but I hope you at least enjoy this chapter. Well, there's a 50% chance that Noah, Gwen, or Izzy will go, so we'll see. Thank you for the review!
angie444—I like Nizzy too. It's great to like Nizzy, isn't it? Thank you for the review!
Guest—Well, this is kind of belated, but yeah, he probably should've had a bigger role in the rebellion. However, the rebellion was mostly just for Ezekiel's epic return to the game. Duncan and Gwen are certainly popular. I don't know if they're the most popular, though. Thanks for the review!
Jack Cowell—Ezekiel is right behind you. Turn around. Just kidding! Anyways, I hope I didn't scare you, and thank you for the review!
Chocolate567—You'll see Owen's reaction in the Playa de Losers episode at the Final 5. Glad you like Nizzy, though! Thank you for the review!
Haon—Unfortunately, yes. Owen. Sorry that he had to go so early, I was just kind of sick of him using all the comedy for himself. Thank you for the review!
SHABAMZ—Judging on your username, are you perhaps Lightning in disguise? Just joking. Don't worry, I will not let the flame die! I actually didn't have writers' block for this chapter, I just had so much going on that I didn't have that much time to get around to just sitting down and writing this bad boy. But I promise that Total Drama Returns WILL live on! Thank you for all the kind things you said about my characters, I really enjoyed reading them. Thank you for the review!
TDBigJ1213—Glad you like Bieber Zeke! That's perfectly fine if you don't like Trent and Courtney for the rest of the fic. I will understand completely. Thanks for believing in this story! If you and all the other reviewers continue to believe, I think this story can really prosper. Thank you so much for the review!
Guest—Oh, I hope people haven't lost interest in me! I would understand if they have, though. With all the exciting new stories out there, mine, being from 2011, is practically a relic. Thanks for the review!
tdangie—AWESOMENESS, back at ya! Thanks for the review!
(Chris stands in the campfire pit. Sitting behind him on the wooden stumps is the Screaming Ivy team, glaring fiercely at him. Chris smiles widely at the camera, and then starts reading off a note card.)
Chris: Last time, on Total Drama Returns… We began the day with the first ever Redemption Cabin duel, between our favorite nude Nintendo nerd, Harold, and our favorite anorexic ladies' man, Alejandro! The Killer Redwoods chose to send Katie and Geoff to the duel, while the Screaming Ivy chose Lindsay and Beth. It was a close and gender-confused battle, but in the end, Alejandro lived to see another day. On the way to the duel, Katie baited Geoff into an alliance of four, along with DJ and Bridgette. However, Katie had other plans: to manipulate Geoff to oust none other than his best bud, DJ! My god, that girl is crafty. And speaking of strategy, Beth started randomly showing some of her own, when she and Lindsay decided to lie about the duel and claim that Duncan had actually returned to the game, all to throw Trent off his own game. Meanwhile, the rest of the campers got to enjoy a wonderful morning of workout videos with Yoga Master Hatchet. I envy them so much. I never get to do yoga with Chef! I mean, I even brought my own yoga pants just for the occasion. They fit perfectly. (He wipes a tear away from his eye.) I mean, why is Chef so mean to me sometimes? I feel like he—
Gwen: Get on with it! We have a campfire ceremony we need to get back to!
Chris: Fine. But if you saw how comfy and stylish these yoga pants were, you'd understand my lament. Anyways, we then moved on to the reward challenge, in which the two teams chose one camper to push in a glass ball through a dangerous obstacle course! Trent, weary of Duncan's return, stepped forth as the leader for his team, only to be abandoned by his team once they got tired of his bossy and selfish ways! Meanwhile, Cody had his eye on Katie, so he decided to try and help the Killer Redwoods, only to be abandoned as well. Both Cody and Trent faced their abandonment quite differently, though; while Cody later went on to help the Killer Redwoods to the victory, Trent almost killed Izzy in a pit of quicksand. (He shakes his head.) That boy's got issues. Next, after the campers enjoyed some more quality time with Chef, this time watching a Hannah Montana marathon, we moved onto our immunity challenge: Rolling Ball Duels! In Round One, Noah edged out DJ when Tyler, who has suddenly gained quite the grudge against the brickhouse, tackled DJ straight off the platform. Next, in Round Two, amidst a wonderful laugh track implanted by yours truly, Bridgette kept her cool and made Courtney look ridiculous as she cruised to an easy victory!
Courtney: I did NOT look ridiculous! Now get on to the part where we tricked all these losers into falling for our plan!
Chris: All in good time, Courtney, all in good time. Finally, in Round Three, Geoff and Ezekiel were able to edge Lindsay and Beth when Ezekiel, well… I think you know the story. It was messy. So, it was the Screaming Ivy's turn to send someone home. It seemed certain it would be Trent or Courtney, but the two lovebirds carefully devised a plan: one in which Courtney would convince Lindsay, Gwen, Izzy, and Tyler to vote for Trent, while Trent would convince Chef, Cody, Josh, and Heather to vote for Sasquatchanakwa, while—
Courtney: What are you talking about?! That's nothing how the vote went! I convinced everyone to vote for Trent, and then Trent quietly convinced Cody, Gwen, and Beth to vote for me, so the vote would be split evenly down the middle. And Tyler, Chef, Josh, Heather, and Sasquatchanakwa aren't even on our team! Did you even watch the episode?!
Chris: Geez, sorry! All the strategy mumbo jumbo bullshit is hard to follow! Anyways, what she said. At the Campfire Ceremony, after a wonderful performance by Bieber Zeke, the true dysfunctional nature of the Screaming Ivy was brought to light. In the end, Courtney and Trent's plan worked, and there was a tie vote between the two of them. This means that there will now be a revote, and nobody can vote for Trent or Courtney. So, now that the alliance of six must vote someone off, who will it be? Will it be clever Noah, dangerous Izzy, stupid Lindsay, eerie Gwen, perverted Cody, or pointless Beth? What will happen in another exciting Redemption Cabin duel? And will I ever get to wear those wonderful yoga pants? See it all right here, on today's crazy, Olympiad episode of: TOTAL DRAMA RETURNS! (He hurls his note card into the air, and strikes a pose. He then turns to the Screaming Ivy team.) How was that?
Trent: Truthfully? It was # $%-
(Theme Song Plays)
Day 12 Part 1—Chapter 37: This Isn't a Game for Smartasses
Noah: Uggh… (He sits at one of the picnic tables outside the cabins, rubbing his temples.) I can't believe Trent and Courtney were able to trick me. God, I hate Trent. And now I'm never going to hear the end of it from him. I probably shouldn't have stormed off like that, either... They could be plotting to vote me off as we speak. (He puts his head in his hands.) What am I going to do?
Geoff: I'm going to tell you what you're going to do, dude. (Noah looks up in surprise, and sees Geoff, sitting across the table from him.)
Noah: Geoff?! What are you doing out here? (Geoff grins, and spreads his arms out like a bird.)
Geoff: I am living. Living life, dude! Feeling the fresh air rushing across my skin… the ground beneath my feet… the hat upon my head…
Noah: Get real, dude.
Geoff: Okay, I have no idea why I'm out here. But it's a good thing I am. I think I can help you with your problem, dude. Trent's been bothering you, huh? (Noah nods.)
Noah: Yes. But I really don't think there's anything you can do to help. It's a pretty complicated problem.
Geoff: Oh really? You know, Noah, my father always told me something.
Noah: What did he tell you?
Geoff: Well, when I was really young, he told me where babies came from. (He shudders.) Creepy, man. I always thought they came from cereal boxes! He also taught me that relationships aren't healthy without affairs. Thank god for that, dude!
Noah: What does this have to do with anything, Geoff?
Geoff: I'm getting to it! But the most important of all, he told me to be a stand-up guy. That's what you need to be, Noah. A stand-up guy.
Noah: Can you explain that to me?
Geoff: You just gotta stand up for what you believe in! (He beckons to the pink shirt he is wearing.) You know, they told me that I couldn't wear this buttoned-open pink shirt. They said it would make me look like a homosexual hobo. But tell me: has pink ever looked manlier to you than it does now?
Noah: Um… no, I guess.
Geoff: Exactly. I stood up for what I believed in. I took pink, and I made it manly. I changed the playing field, dude!
Noah: Hm. Interesting. (He taps his chin, thinking to himself.)
Geoff: Or another example: my cleft chin. (He beckons to his chin.) They told me my cleft chin was nothing to be proud of. They called it an imperfection. But take a look at my cleft chin. Have you ever seen a more concave, smooth, cleft chin?
Noah: I really don't know how to answer that question.
Geoff: Well, it's true. I have the greatest cleft chin of all time. You could just climb into my cleft chin, and live there. My cleft chin is like a valley leading straight to the center of heaven!
Noah: Um… what?
Geoff: Sorry, that was weird. So, Noah, are you going to be a stand-up guy?
Noah: I'm assuming this is a rhetorical question.
Geoff: THAT'S RIGHT! YOU ARE GOING TO BE A STAND-UP GUY! Now, you're going to go back to that campfire ceremony, and show Trent that you're sick and tired of him and his sassy ways. You feeling me?
Noah: Yeah. Thanks, dude. I think I know what I need to do. (He walks away. Geoff quickly turns to the window of the Killer Redwoods Cabin, and sees Bridgette watching him. He gives her a thumbs-up, and she smiles in response.)
Confession Cam
Bridgette: Okay, Geoff has become soooo nice lately! I love how he's been trying to stop being such a bully. Instead, he's helping people like Noah deal with their problems! It's really cute. I mean, don't get me wrong, Geoff's still got plenty of douche bag tendencies. Including a newfound obsession with his butt chin.
Geoff: Man, ever since I've been trying out this nice guy routine, my relationship with Bridgette has skyrocketed! And besides; you gotta feel bad for short people like Noah. Just imagine being eye-level with people's crotches all the time! It's gotta be terrifying!
Noah: So Geoff's "motivational speech" was mostly just him talking all this random crap about his chin to me, but some words he said did strike me. He told me he "changed the playing field". That's all I need to do. Trent and Courtney did it when they forced a tie vote. But now it's my turn. (He rubs his hands together.) This is gonna be good.
End of Confessionals
Campfire Pit
Trent: -$%&#%&*$# . Whew, that was a mouthful.
Courtney: You tell him, Trent. (Chris's lower lip trembles.)
Chris: You know, that really hurts my feelings. As host of Total Drama, I try so hard to provide solid and reliable recaps at the beginning of each episode. And that's your way of thanking me? Swearing for so long that we have to use the theme song and an awkward scene between Geoff and Noah to censor your expletives?
Trent: I'm just telling the truth about what I thought of your recap.
Chris: So then tell me, Trent. What was so bad about it?
Trent: This is going to take a lot of oxygen. (He takes a deep breath, and begins.) Well, for one, you seriously need to work on your pacing. Ditch the notecard, it makes you look unprofessional. Ditch the pointless hand gestures, they make you look awkward. Ditch the constant smiling, it makes you look hammered. And when you're reciting a recap, it needs to be more concise. You're not supposed to be talking about every pointless subplot in the entire previous episode! Seriously, do you need to talk about the retarded Tyler and DJ conflict? No! You don't! When giving a recap, you're supposed to only provide information that might be important to know in today's episode!
Chris: Um, excuse me, Trenton, but I'm pretty sure that's what I did!
Trent: No you didn't. When will your lamentation about your barren yoga relationship with Chef come to play in this episode?
Chris: Oh, you'll see. (His eyes glint mischievously.)
Trent: But that's not all. You also… (As Trent chastises Chris, Noah sneaks into the back of the campfire pit, and sits right behind the rest of his teammates.)
Noah: Psst! Guys! We need to talk while we can. (Gwen, Cody, Izzy, Lindsay, and Beth all turn around to face him.)
Izzy: HOORAY! NOAH DIDN'T COMMIT SUICIDE! (Noah quickly clamps a hand over her mouth.)
Noah: Shhhh! We don't want Trent and Courtney to know I'm here yet! If they do, then we have to vote, and we know how messy that's going to turn out. That is, unless we have a formulated plan.
Izzy: Ha, I thought you committed suicide. After all, you do that from time to time.
Gwen: Well, it's a good thing you're back. Ever since you left, Trent's been trying to provide all the witty, sarcastic quips for the episode. (She beckons to Trent, who is still bitching to Chris about the recap.)
Izzy: Say, Noah, while you were over there making out with trees or whatever, did you see Mr. Fan anywhere? He hasn't turned up in hours now; I'm starting to get worried about him. Even if he went to the strip club, he's usually back by now.
Noah: Err… nope. Haven't seen him. But I'm sure he'll turn up. (He chuckles nervously, and continues.) Anyways, I came up with a plan. (Beth claps her hands in delight.)
Beth: OMG, we're going to talk strategy, Lindsay! This is exactly how I always dreamed it would be!
Lindsay: I love strategy! Strategy goes soooo well with my new top. Don't you think, Beth?
Beth: Too-oootally.
Cody (patting Noah on the back): So, what's the plan, my man? Just tell it to the Code-meister, and he'll carry it out!
Noah: Okay, here's what we need to do. We all need to vote for Courtney and Trent again.
Gwen (crossing her arms): How will that work? Chris will just negate the votes and make us vote again!
Noah: Then we'll vote for Trent and Courtney again. And keep doing so, over and over. After a while, Chris is bound to get fed up, and send one of them to Redemption Cabin.
Gwen: Hm. I don't know. The plan doesn't seem secure enough.
Noah: It's the best plan we have. Okay, so does everyone understand? We are voting for Trent and Courtney. Lindsay, are you on board?
Lindsay: I like boards! (She holds up a plank of wood. Noah sighs, and turns to Beth.)
Noah: Can you accompany her to the voting stall, Beth? Make sure she doesn't vote for herself, or something idiotic like that.
Cody: I'll be happy to chaperone Lindsay. It would be an honor.
Noah: I didn't ask you, Cody, I asked Beth! But if you want to chaperone somebody, you can chaperone Izzy. I feel she could screw something up too.
Cody: Um, I don't think that's such a—(He is cut off as Izzy grabs him excitedly.)
Izzy: Alright! Say, Cody, what do you say we go chaperone each other off the cliff of Mt. Wawanakwa? (Before Cody can protest, Izzy takes a chloroform napkin and presses it up against his face. The geek struggles for a few seconds, before his eyes roll back into their sockets, and he passes out. Slinging his body over her back, Izzy runs off into the forest.)
Noah (calling after them): BE BACK IN TIME FOR THE VOTE! (He turns back to face the front of the campfire pit, smiling with content.) That went surprisingly well. Maybe something will actually go my way in this game for once. (Trent, meanwhile, is still chastising Chris on his recap.)
Trent: …Not to mention just the whole way you speak is a serious put-off for the listener. You place way too much emphasis on random syllables in your words, and your whole stoner-skater voice is immature, to say the least. And I don't know, there's just something about your whole manner of communication that seriously bothers me. It's like you're trying to form coherent sentences, but don't have the basic vocabulary skills or jaw muscle functionality to construct a normal sounding phrase of words.
Chris: Okay, that's a bit of an exaggeration—
Trent: Finally, your image could use some serious reworking. First of all, your fashion choices. Your shirt has so many pockets you look like a drug dealer, and that whole spirit bag necklace you wear makes you look like an insane Native American witch doctor. Plus, stop wearing your pants at your thighs, because frankly, my eyes feel like they're going to burn right out of their sockets every time I see a forty-year old man trying to make a fashion statement that is both a symbol of freedom among youths and a symbol of sexual connotation in prison. Now, about your aesthetics. Let's start with your five o' clock shadow. Frankly, it looks like you dipped your face in a bucket of pocket lint. (Noah turns to Gwen.)
Noah: Is it me, or did he become even more of a tool in the time I was gone? How long has he been going on like this?
Gwen: Ever since you left. He hasn't even stopped for air.
Noah (smiling): Maybe it's time I showed him how you truly insult someone. (Gwen grins with malicious glee.)
Gwen: I've been waiting for you to say that all season. (Noah winks at her, and stands up. Meanwhile, Trent is continuing his lecture.)
Trent: Now, about your hair. Frankly, it looks like briar patch. I keep expecting racist, animated Disney characters to hop out of there and start singing about life on the bayou! (Chris now has tears welling up in his eyes.)
Chris: W-why are you b-being such a mean man?
Trent: Because frankly, you shouldn't be the host!
Chris: Oh, and who should be?
Trent: Oh, I don't know, it could be anyone. Could be Ryan Seacrest, could be Ellen Degeneres, could be, oh, I don't know, me.
Chris: Ha! Are you serious? You can't be serious. You're actually serious? HA!
Trent: Face it, Mclean! You know I would be a better host than you!
Courtney: I agree with Trent. You're not only a douchebag, but you're also a horrible influence on children!
Trent: So true, so true. It's like you read my mind, babe. (He winks at Courtney, before they jam their tongues down each other's throats, making everyone gag. Finally, they pull away, and Trent turns back to Chris, lipstick smeared all across his face.) Look at me, Chris, and look at you. You're past your prime. You're a grandfather clock ticking through its final seconds. You're a trusty steed that was once the grandest of all horses, but now you're entering the barn, getting ready to lie down among the hay and die.
Chris: God, I'm 35, not a &$*# fossil!
Trent: Whatever, Mclean. Just resign already. You're not the host you used to be.
Chris (crossing his arms): You can never make me resign. I have power beyond your wildest dreams. I have millions of fans, along with luxuries you'll never know. I have a frickin' Jacuzzi that massages your dick with bubbles! And you can't do anything to take that away from me.
Trent: Oh, we'll see about that. Sounds like quite the Jacuzzi. (Noah walks over, smirking.)
Noah: There's just a little problem, Trent. For the function to work, you need to be longer than a millimeter.
Everyone: Oooooo… (Trent whips around to face the know-it-all.)
Trent: And look who decided to show up! Arriving in style as always, Noah. Now tell me: are you done crying like a little bitch, and have you accepted the fact that you were schooled strategically by yours truly?
Noah: I wouldn't call it schoolage. The only reason you're safe is because it just so happened that our team members hated you and Courtney equally. But that's not why I'm here. So, you say you'd make a good host of the show?
Trent: Yep. What's it to you, egghead?
Noah: Then you'd be prepared for some honest criticism, right?
Trent: Sure. But I really don't think it's possible to criticize—
Noah: First of all, ditch the camouflage sleeves. They make you look like a psycho war vet gone horribly gay. Ditch the handprint on the front of your shirt, this is a cartoon, and we only have four fingers you idiot. Ditch the face; it makes you look ugly. Now, you insult someone's hair? You have a mullet, so I wouldn't be talking!
Everyone: Oooooo….
Trent: It's not a mullet!
Noah: It's a mullet, Trent. And did you know that Iran's banning of the mullet earned not its usual international condemnation, but a PR boost, instead? That's how despised the hairstyle is!
Everyone: Oooooo….
Trent: So what if I have a mullet?
Noah: So what? Yeah, so what if you look like condescending prick who thinks he can get all the ladies, when in honest truth, the only thing he'll ever get to stick his penis in is the hole in the number "9"?
Everyone: Oooooo…. (Trent whips around to face his teammates.)
Trent: Stop "oooo"ing! You guys sound mentally ill! And my mullet is very useful, I'll have you know! It allows nice visibility when I'm wearing a bike helmet, and it provides protection for my neck from the sun. What does your hair do?
Noah: It only causes a massive wave of orgasms to sweep across the females of Canada the moment it gets even the slightest bit wet.
Trent: Oh, come on. Stop pretending you're hot stuff. All those fangirls aren't in love with you, they're in love with all the pornographic pictures of you on DeviantArt, which, mind you, are very poorly drawn!
Noah: Been looking at these pictures a lot lately?
Trent: N-no! T-that's not what I mean—
Noah: And while we're on the topic of DeviantArt, at least when you search my name, half the drawings aren't of somebody else from the show, unlike with you! (Trent is at a loss for words, stuttering madly. Finally, he is able to speak again.)
Trent: Well… your head is shaped like a rectangle! (Everyone is silent.)
Gwen: Seriously? That's the best you could come up with?
Trent: It's… it's true! Look at it! (He beckons to Noah's head.) It screams rectangle!
Izzy: Wow… even I'm not impressed with that one. What do you think, Cody? (She holds up Cody's unconscious body.) Wow! That was so bad, Cody fell asleep!
Gwen: No, Izzy, Cody's unconscious because you drugged him with Chloroform.
Izzy: Oh. Oh yeah! Ha! Man, it's hard to keep track of who I've Chloroformed and who I haven't sometimes. (She taps her chin, thinking aloud.) Let's see, who have I Chloroformed in the past week? (She starts reading off a list.) Selena Gomez, Lebron James, Johnny Depp, Psy, that random Indian kid from Life of Pi, Pitbull, Abraham Lincoln, Gwen…
Gwen: What?! (Izzy glances back down at her list.)
Izzy: Oops. Those are my plans for next week. Pretend you didn't hear that.
Trent: Can you two shut up? Thank you. (He turns back to Noah, who is continuing to smirk.) Stop smirking! It makes your head look even more like a rectangle!
Noah: Face it, Trent. You're no match for me. In fact, I think you're intimidated by me.
Trent: Ha! Me? Intimidated by you? Heh, as if.
Noah: It's true. You see, Trent, ever since Duncan stole Gwen away from you, you've always been hell-bent on being the alpha male, for fear of being humiliated on national TV for the second time. Any threat to that position, and you lose your testicles. But you're not a leader, Trent. A leader doesn't abandon his own teammates. A leader doesn't go apeshit when he isn't passed the salt at breakfast, even when he never even asked for it. And most of all, a leader has self-respect. You don't respect yourself, Trent. And until you can respect yourself, you won't be able to respect others. (He shrugs.) But that's just my opinion. (Trent stares at Noah.)
Trent: It's not… that's not… I HATE YOU! YOU DON'T KNOW ME! WAAAHHH! (He runs away, sobbing. However, Trent runs right off the Dock of Shame, and lands in the water with a splash. He flails around for a few seconds, before sinking under the water with a glug. He doesn't come back up. There is silence.)
Chris: On that wonderful note, it's time to vote.
Confession Cam
Courtney: Wow, poor Trent. He really was torn apart by Noah. But you know what? I think he's better than that dweeb. I think he'll take the higher road, and take Noah's petty insults in stride. Because that's the kind of mature adult I believe Trent is!
Trent: WAAHHH! (He sniffs, wiping at the tears streaming down his face.) I hate that Noah! He's such a poopy face! He was so mean to me… I HATE HIM! WAAAHHHHH! (He screams like a baby, snot exploding all over his face.)
End of Confessionals
Gwen: That was certainly impressive, Noah.
Noah: It's what I do best. (He turns to look around at his teammates.) You all went forward with the plan, right? Nobody did anything weird while they were in the voting confessional?
Izzy: Nope! Nothing weird. (She turns to Cody, who is still half-conscious.) Right, Cody? Nothing weird?
Cody (his eyelids drooping): Da… da… not… not the pubes… NOT THE PUBES! NOO!
Izzy: See? Everything went just fine. (Beth walks over, grinning.)
Beth: Everything went fine with Lindsay, too. No voting for herself, no writing a bunch of incoherent scribbles all over the place, no getting lost on the way to the confessional and ending up at the Total Drama Action film lot… It all went perfectly! Aren't you excited, Noah? This is going to be such a great plan!
Noah: Huh? Oh. Oh yeah. It'll be great. (He won't make eye contact with Beth, instead choosing to open his book and start reading it. Meanwhile, Chris has gathered up the votes.)
Chris: Well, the votes have been cast once again. Let's read them off. (He opens up the barrel in front of him, dramatically reaches in with his hand, feels around inside, and pulls out a sandwich. He takes a bite out of it, munching with content. He licks his lips, and takes a sip through a curly pink straw from a bottle of champagne.)
Courtney: What are you doing? Read the votes already!
Chris: Sorry, I get these cravings sometimes. I don't know where they come from. What do you think this could mean?
Noah: You're pregnant?
Chris: Nah, I've been on the birth control. You can never be too careful, you know what I mean?
Izzy (her eyes glinting): Yes. You can never be too careful.
Gwen: Okay, why is this conversation happening? Can we please just get to the votes, so we can go to sleep?
Chris: Very well. (He puts the sandwich into his pants, and reaches for the actual voting barrel. He once again reaches into it, and this time pulls out a small pile of paper slips. The host spreads them across the podium in front of him. Chris reads each one, his brow furrowing more and more. Finally, he looks back up at the campers, a look of disbelief on his face.) You all just voted for Courtney and Trent again!
Courtney: WHAT?! They can't do that, Chris! It's against the rules! You specifically said that they had to vote for one of their own kind!
Gwen: Hey, if we don't like the rules, we can change them. And we'll stop at nothing until either you or Trent is eliminated.
Courtney: NO! They can't do this! Tell them, Chris!
Cody (taking out a calculator): Actually, statistically speaking, we—
Courtney: NOBODY CARES, CODY! Say something about this, Chris! Stop just eating that sandwich and watching this exchange with a slightly amused facial expression!
Chris (his mouth full): Aw, but it's such a nice sandwich. (He puts it back into his pants, and wipes his hands off. He finishes chewing before speaking again.) And I was trying to speak, but then you little brats interrupted me. Here's what I was trying to say. All of you voted for Trent or Courtney again…. that is, except for one person. Therefore, all the other votes for Trent and Courtney are negated and only this person's vote counts. (Everyone is shocked silent. Chris grins.)
Chris: Shocker, right? You know, for this one, I think we'll just show the confessionals. In recent years, it seems to be one of the best tools for creating drama. Chef, roll in the TV! (Chef rolls in a giant flat screen TV. He then quickly walks away, as if he is in a hurry. Chris calls after him.) Why are you in such a hurry? Stick around for the festivities! The rockets are about to start flying.
Chef: Urm… nope. I have to, uh… go… um… start an illegal alliance? (He sprints away. Chris raises his eyebrows in confusion. He turns to the campers.)
Chris: That wasn't too suspicious, was it?
Noah (sarcastically): Oh, no. It's not suspicious at all when he uses something illegal as his cover-up. (Chris shrugs.)
Chris: Whatever. Now, here are the confessionals. (He flicks a button on the remote control, and the TV turns on.)
Confession Cam
Beth: One vote for Courtney! (She places her vote in the barrel, and turns to Lindsay, who is sitting on the toilet next to her.) Here, Lindsay, do you want to write your vote?
Lindsay: OMG, totally! I think I've become really good with my spelling. (She takes the pen and a slip of paper, and starts writing.)
Beth: Remember, you're writing "Courtney". You know how to spell it, right?
Lindsay: Geez, I've got it! (She stops writing.) Done! (Lindsay proudly holds up the slip of paper, which has the word "Noah" written on it.) See? Spelled it perfectly! (Beth cringes, and glances towards the camera.)
Beth: Well, that kinda looks like Courtney… right? I mean, both names have an "N" in them… right?
(Gwen whips around to face Lindsay and Beth, who hug each other in fear of the goth.)
Gwen: So it was you guys?! I should've known one of you would screw something up!
Beth: N-no, wait! It wasn't us! I made sure to flush the vote for Noah down the toilet the moment Lindsay left! (Lindsay's eyes widen.)
Lindsay: *GASP* You did?! I thought we were a democracy, BETH! It's like you don't even value my opinion!
Beth: Not when your opinion is spelled with the mental capacity of a three-year-old!
Lindsay: H-how could you say that? I... I thought we were friends!
Beth: We are friends, Lindsay. It's just sometimes you're a little, I don't know… dumb? (Lindsay looks like she's been slapped across the face.)
Lindsay: So that's really what you think. After all these years… all these shopping extravangas… this is the truth? That everything I've ever known is a lie? (She crosses her arms.) You could've at least had the decency to tell me what you thought! All of you, treating me like I'm some… some sort of chore! I don't need people that treat me like that. People that don't value my brain! Because I know I'm smart! And I don't need anyone to tell me otherwise. (She turns to Beth.) So you know what, Beth? No more being BFF's! No more shopping exravanganzas! No more lying about the fact that you're actually ugly as ************! We're DONE! Don't understand? Let me spell it out for you! We're G-T-Y-U-C-A-R-D-Q-W, DONE! (She calms down.) Wait… what was I talking about again? (Beth stares at her in shock.)
Beth: Wait… you think I'm ugly?
Lindsay: Um… let's change the subject. How about shopping?
Beth: NO! (She crosses her arms.) You know, so what if I'm not the prettiest girl in the world? At least the smartest thing ever to come out of my mouth wasn't a penis! (Lindsay gasps. But Beth continues.) It's true. Everyone thinks so. And people wonder why women have been historically oppressed…
Lindsay: Wow… you're like, condescending!
Beth: Condescending? Do you even know what that means, Lindsay?
Lindsay: Umm… erm… It means that you're ugly! (Beth just shakes her head and sneers.)
Beth: I've heard a more coherent statement from a Schizophrenic with Tourette's.
Lindsay: Now you're insulting Tyler?! THAT'S IT! (She takes off both of her high heels, and runs at Beth, with the sharp ends pointed at the farm girl's face. The blonde girl tackles her BFF, and two start rolling around in the muck, punching each other in the face. Beth rips out patches of Lindsay's hair, while Lindsay beats Beth over the head with her high heels.)
Gwen: Chris, do something! They're going to kill each other!
Chris: Now, now. I doubt they'll kill each other. And even if they do… well, we'll only have a slight ratings drop. Now, if I were to die… then we could start worrying.
Noah: Yeah, because then all the TV's would crash by our sudden, immense spike in viewership.
Chris: Ignoring that. (Beth and Lindsay continue to wrestle with one another. As they squirm and scratch, they move farther and farther towards the hill leading down to the beach, until finally, they reach the slope, and go tumbling down it, still fighting with one another. Meanwhile, Trent is just getting out of the water, soaking wet, when he sees Beth and Lindsay racing down the hill, heading right towards him. Trent sighs.)
Trent: Excellent. (The campers hear a huge splash, and groaning fills the air from down by the beach. Chris beams.)
Chris: This was such a great idea to show the confessionals. Already, the drama is thickening into a smoothie of backstabbing and bananas! Anyways, we now know it wasn't Beth or Lindsay who betrayed the alliance. Let's watch the rest of these wonderful confessionals, shall we? (He turns the TV back on. Gwen quickly turns to Noah.)
Gwen: So this means it must be either Cody or Izzy. Who do you think betrayed us? (Noah glances sideways, sweating slightly.)
Noah: Hm. Guess we'll just have to see.
Confession Cam
Gwen: I vote for Courtney. God, how many times am I going to have to vote for her before she leaves?
(Static)
Cody: Whew. (He wipes the sweat from his brow.) Izzy may be looking everywhere for me, but I think I'm safe in here. (He smiles with relief, not even noticing Izzy standing behind him. He sits there like that for a while. Finally, he sighs.) …She's right behind me, isn't she?
(Static)
Izzy: I vote for Trent. Mostly because of all those rude geometrical comments he made to my Noah! I mean, sure, Noah face looks like a rectangle, but that makes it really useful! It could be used as a remote control! Or a mattress! Or a really fancy paperweight! What do you think, Cody? (She props his unconscious body up onto her lap.)
Cody: Dar… (His head slumps forward, and he falls off Izzy's lap and lands with his head in the sink. Izzy stares down at him, and then looks up at the camera.)
Izzy: Guess that's two votes for Trent! (Gwen's face scrunches up in confusion.)
Gwen: But wait a minute. That makes no sense! If it wasn't Lindsay, and it wasn't Beth, and if it wasn't Cody, and if it wasn't Izzy, and if it wasn't me, then… (She looks at Noah, who is ducking behind his book more and more.) I can't believe it. It was you all along?
Noah (nervously): Heh heh. Funny how that works out, huh?
Gwen: I can't believe it! You lied to all of us!
Noah: I wouldn't call it "lying", so much as "manipulating words". Something Shakespeare was quite good at, I'll have you know.
Gwen: Oh, you're bringing Shakespeare into this now? Well, methinks thou art an asshole, perchance! (She puts her head in her hands.) I've been played twice in one night. I should've never trusted you, Noah. I should've seen the way you acted in Total Drama Island, and known you're nothing but a self-centered jerk.
Noah: But wait! I can explain—
Chris (grinning evilly): Why don't we just let your confessional do the explaining for you? (He beckons to the TV screen, which now shows Noah sitting in the confessional.)
Confession Cam
(Noah sits, there, thinking for a moment, before he speaks.)
Noah: …You know, since I first arrived on this show, on the very first day of Total Drama Island, I've known this competition would be quite a challenge for me. Because, the moment I arrived on that first day, I took a look at my competition, and realized that more than half of them were complete and utter morons. The worst kind of morons, too. The kind of morons that think that they're geniuses, when in all honesty, I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter statement than half of the stuff that they say. In the first season, I tried to play their game. Didn't work out too well for me. In the third season, I had a different plan. I wouldn't just play like a moron, I would be a moron, just like the rest of them. I even became friends with Owen to bolster that reputation! But the moment I showed signs of intelligence, I was booted. This season, I knew I needed to stop arguing with idiots. After all, as proven, they would just lower me to their level and beat me with experience. So I had a new plan. I would—okay, this paragraph is getting kind of long.
Ahh… that's better. Anyways, let me just cut to the chase. I'm lying to my teammates tonight. I'm having them all vote for Trent and Courtney again. They're too stupid to realize that Chris will just negate all of their votes if just one of us votes for someone else. That person will be me. Why am I doing this? Well, in full honesty, for one, aside from Izzy, I actually don't like my other teammates. I thought I might like Gwen, but have you seen the messed-up sketches she draws in her notebook? Those drawings will literally make you lose all hope for humanity and fear for the world's future, if Chris Mclean hasn't made you feel that way already! Beth and Lindsay are like two useless, talking bags of air, and if you try to shut one up, the other one starts yapping even more! And I'm sorry, but Cody is possibly the worst cabin-mate ever. How am I supposed to sleep when he's in the top bunk above me, humping the headboard? And second, I need to make sure that Izzy and I are protected, and the only way to do that is to have my vote be the only one that counts. So now, it's just matter of who I pick. Will I choose Cody, Beth, Lindsay, or Gwen? It's really just a question of what I can stand longer: having pages filled with mangled hearts and sobbing little girls fluttering past me wherever I go, waking up to the sound Beth and Lindsay screechgasming with each other, or hearing the hormonal grunts of an adolescent when I'm trying to sleep. I thought about it for a long time, and now I've made my decision. I'm voting for…
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Beth.
Why, you ask? Well, it was between Lindsay and Beth when I was making this decision. Both are pretty much the last minute additions to the alliance. And the way Beth has suddenly been obsessed with strategy, well, it's suspicious to say the least. (He pauses.) Okay, I'll admit it. I'm a fan of Lindsay's boobs. That's probably the biggest deciding factor. Anyways, there you go. My shocking confessional. (He sighs with relief.) Good thing they never show these. Thank god for that, huh?
(Static)
Tyler: I love this new fancy toilet paper Chris has been buying for the bathroom! (He holds up the voting barrel, and pulls one of the voting slips.) Look at it! Now this is quality toilet paper. And look! It's even got writing on it! And I LOVE reading while using the bathroom! THIS IS GONNA RULE! (He opens the voting barrel excitedly.)
End of Confessionals
Chris (glancing down at his hands, which are clutching the voting slips): Oh god. I think I need to go set fire to my hands. (Meanwhile, Gwen is glaring at Noah, fire in her eyes.)
Gwen: This is unbelievable. I thought you were a trustworthy ally. I thought you were different! But now I see the truth. And you know what the truth is? The truth is that you're no better than Trent or Courtney! (Noah shrugs.)
Noah: It had to be done, Gwen. Did you really think the other plan would work?
Gwen: No, of course not! But I didn't think you would do something like this, either! And why the hell do you think my pictures are disturbing, anyways? They're a slightly morbid commentary on the direction humankind is heading in! They have a message!
Cody: Yeah! And they're really hot. (He glares at Noah.) You should apologize to both me and Gwen for what you said in the Confessional!
Noah: Why should I apologize? It's just what I thought. I'm sure you guys say stuff behind my back when you're in there, too. I was just the unlucky sucker to have it broadcasted to the whole camp.
Gwen: Well, you owe Beth an apology, at least.
Cody: And Lindsay. You shouldn't have objectified her like that.
Noah: Cody, all you do is objectify women!
Cody: I don't only objectify women! (He turns away, and mutters to himself.) I sometimes womanize objects, too.
Izzy: You owe me an apology, too. Why couldn't you have said something behind my back? I really wanted to know what you would have said!
Courtney: And while we're at it, you owe me an apology, too, Noah.
Noah: For what?
Courtney: I don't know. I just thought I might as well make you feel worse.
Chris: Don't forget about me, Noah. (Noah whips around to face him.)
Noah: Chris, I single-handedly saved you from being humiliated by Trent in front of everyone! If anything, you should be praising the lord that I saved you when I did!
Chris: Whatever. You still owe me an apology.
Tyler: And me, Noah. (Noah looks over at Tyler in disbelief.)
Noah: Okay, for one, what the hell are you doing here, Tyler?! AND WHY DO I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY?!
Tyler: Your voting slip gave me a paper cut on my butt! See? (He pulls down his pants, and beckons to the spot on his butt cheek.) It hurts! (Noah stares forward at Tyler's naked butt.)
Noah: This can't be happening.
Chris: Oh, but it is, Noah. However, as much as I love all the hate you're being dealt right now, we do need to move on with episode. So let's go fetch Beth, and tell her the news.
Gwen (nudging Noah forward): And Noah here can go apologize to her. (Noah sighs, and starts walking towards the beach. As he heads in that direction, Tyler comes up behind him, and whispers in his ear.)
Tyler: Apologize to me, please. (Noah whips around and punches Tyler across the face.)
Confession Cam
Noah: Okay, in a matter of minutes, I've gone from holding all the cards to being the most despised member of my team. How the hell did that happen?
Courtney: Wonderful. This is exactly what Trent and I needed. Now we need to work together to direct as much hate towards Noah as possible. This is the best distraction we've had for the target on our backs since Alejandro!
Tyler: Hey, look at this toilet paper! (He holds up Gwen's journal.) Pretty sweet, huh? This thing's got 200 pages in it, so it should last me, oh, I don't know, maybe two trips to the bathroom. Let's take a look, shall we? (He opens up the journal, and immediately, he shrieks in horror. He looks back at the camera.) This toilet paper makes me fear for humanity! I hate when toilet paper does that!
End of Confessionals
Beth: Uggh… what happened… (She opens her eyes, and sees she is lying in the shallow waters at the edge of the beach, facing Lindsay. They are both covered in mud, and their clothes are torn to shreds.) L-Linds? Are you okay? (Lindsay doesn't move. Slowly, Beth gets up, groaning in pain. She walks over to her best friend, stepping over Trent's unmoving body on the way there. Once she gets to Lindsay's body, she starts shaking it.) Wake up, Lindsay! (She gets down on her knees, and starts to tug on Lindsay's hair. The blonde doesn't move. Beth feels Lindsay's lungs, and finds that her friend isn't breathing.) LINDSAY! (Quickly, Beth starts pushing down as hard as she can on Lindsay's stomach.)
Beth: C'mon, Lindsay, don't be dead… you never even got to vote in a real election! (She thinks for a second.) Although that's probably a good thing. (She pumps down a few more times, but Lindsay doesn't start breathing. Beth starts to sob.)
Beth: This never was supposed to happen! We were supposed to be BFF's for life! And now you're probably dead, and it's all my fault! (She grabs Lindsay.) Please, Lindsay… PLEASE! (Meanwhile, Trent is getting up, groaning.)
Trent: Uggh… what happened… one minute, I was getting up out of the water, the next minute, I had two moronic teenage girls tumbling down a hill towards me… Ow… (He clutches his head in agony.)
Beth: Trent! Quick, come here!
Trent: What? What is it? Why do you need my help?
Beth: Lindsay isn't breathing!
Trent (shrugging): Better for the atmosphere. (Beth stares at Trent in shock, and he chuckles nervously.) Sorry. Bad time for a joke, even if it's a hilarious one. What do you need me for? (He walks over, and crouches down next to her.)
Beth: We need to perform CPR! I'll blow into Lindsay's mouth, and you push down on her chest. Can you do that for me? (Trent swallows deeply, and glances at Lindsay's boobs.)
Trent: You… want me to push down on her chest?
Beth: Yes! And hurry!
Trent: Um… I don't know. I've never touched boobs before.
Beth: Lindsay could be dead! And you're thinking about your own pathetic virginity?
Trent: Hey! I bet you're a virgin, too!
Beth: Do we really need to get into this argument? Just help me! (Trent nods, and places one hand on each of Lindsay's breasts. Beth looks at his position for a moment, before she frowns.) Wait, I actually think that's medically inaccurate. I think you're actually supposed to push down on her diaphragm.
Trent (a perverted glint in his eyes): I'm sure this will work.
Beth: Okay, if you say so. Then let's go! (She forces Lindsay's mouth open, places her lips to Lindsay's, and starts blowing. She glances up at Trent.) Start pushing! (Trent nods, and forces his hands down on Lindsay chest in a rapid motion. Beth continues to blow, until her face turns blue. She gets up from Lindsay's face, breathing hard.)
Beth: Quick, Trent, while she's got the air! Push with all your might!
Trent: But what if I damage her silicone implants? They're very fragile, you know.
Beth: Stop worrying about Lindsay's plastic surgery! Just do it!
Trent: Fine. (He starts pushing down as hard as he can, thrusting his hands deep into the doughy substance of Lindsay's melons. With each thrust, Lindsay's body jolts, but then goes limp again.)
Beth: It's starting to work! Now do one final push! Really try to force the water out of her lungs! And can you please wipe that stupid grin off your face?
Trent: Sorry, this is just somewhat of a fantasy for me. Okay, here goes. (He shoves down as hard as he can, pressing with all his might. Lindsay's body jolts, and water sprays out of her mouth. Slowly, her eyes open. The dumb blonde gets up, coughing and hacking.)
Lindsay: Oww… okay, water is soooooo mean…
Beth: LINDSAY! (She runs over and hugs her. Lindsay looks at Beth confusedly.)
Lindsay: Why are you so happy? And why are our clothes ripped? And why does Troy have ketchup coming out of his nose and a flashlight jutting forward in his pants? (Trent turns away ashamedly.)
Trent: Sorry, I'm just a big fan of boobs. (He blushes deep red.)
Lindsay: And like, why are we here? Where are we? Who am I? Who are you? What am I talking about?
Beth: Oh, none of that matters. Not even your sudden and slightly disturbing memory loss. What matter is that we're together! AND NOTHING CAN EVER SEPARATE OUR FRIENDSHIP!
Lindsay: HOORAY! (They take each other's hands, and rainbows and flowers appear everywhere around them. The two dance around in a circle, laughing and screeching with delight. Meanwhile, Chris and the rest of the Screaming Ivy team are watching this from the dock, with disturbed facial expressions.)
Chris: Um… girls? (The two stop, and immediately, the rainbows and flowers disappear.)
Beth: Guess what, Chris? Nothing can separate our friendship!
Lindsay: Yeah! Not even Troy's flashlight! (Trent quickly covers in erection in shame, and runs away.)
Beth: Yep! Nothing! We're together forever! (They're about to start dancing again, when Chris stops them.)
Chris: Yeah, well… Beth, you've been eliminated. You're heading to Redemption Cabin right now.
Beth: Wait… what? How did this happen? (Gwen shoves Noah forward.)
Gwen: Let Noah explain. (Noah stutters with anxiety.)
Noah: Um… hi. Yeah, I kind of… voted for you. Heh heh, sorry.
Beth: Why? I thought we had a plan to vote for Trent and Courtney again!
Noah: Yeah, well see… when I was in the Confessional, I suddenly realized how much of a… a strategic threat you are, Beth.
Beth: You… you really think I'm a strategic threat?
Noah: Yeah! That move you made? Incredible!
Beth: Which move?
Noah: Um… the strategic one. It was so strategic that I don't remember it. Heh heh.
Gwen: We're all sorry, Beth. I know how terrible this must be for you.
Beth: Are you serious? This is what I've always dreamed of! To be eliminated due to strategic reasons? It's a dream come true!
Noah: …Really?
Beth: Yes! (She runs up and hugs the bookworm.) Thank you, Noah, oh thank you!
Cody: Wait, I thought Noah voted off Beth because he like Lindsay's boob—(He is cut off as Gwen kicks him in the leg.)
Gwen: Shh… it's better for her this way.
Lindsay: W-wait… Beth's leaving? (Her eyes start to fill up with tears. Beth places a calming hand on Lindsay's shoulder.)
Beth: Lindsay, you've been my best friend this whole time. We've had so many memories together. Sure, we've had some fights. (She hugs her friend.) I'm sorry I called you a whore!
Lindsay: And I'm sorry I called you a cow!
Beth: I'm sorry I said you have more pricks than second hand dartboard!
Lindsay: And I'm sorry that when somebody said you're not fit to sleep with pigs, I stuck up for the pigs!
Beth: And I'm sorry I said you were like a bowling ball, in that you get picked up, fingered, thrown down an alley and still come back for more!
Lindsay: Wait… what? Okay, that's kind of crossing the line.
Izzy: I thought that was pretty funny. (Beth turns to Izzy.)
Beth: Izzy! I'll never forget you, either. Admittedly, you sometimes made me fear for my life, but you really taught me a lot. Thank you for that. (Izzy grins.)
Izzy: I do what I can. (Beth has moved on to the next person. Chris groans.)
Chris: God, is everyone going to have an elongated goodbye from now? It was fine when Harold did it, but you're not even that important of a character on the show! And we need to get this show on the road!
Beth: Shut up, you bastard. I'll leave when I'm ready. (She looks at Gwen.) Gwen! I feel like we really bonded this season, even if Courtney tried to keep us apart. I feel like I can come to you with anything! We TOTALLY need to hang out later. HAGS!
Chris: And now it's becoming a verbal version of one of those stupid yearbook signings at the end of high school! You and Gwen barely interacted!
Beth: Not true. We had some moments that will last a lifetime. (She continues down the line.) Cody! Um, you're okay, I guess. (Cody looks down at the ground, and sighs. Next in line is Tyler. Beth just stares at him.)
Beth: Tyler, why the hell are you here? (A single tear rolls down Tyler's face.)
Tyler: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. I'LL MISS YOU, BETH! (Beth just rolls her eyes, and walks over to Trent. She stares at him for a moment, and Trent flinches, expecting to be punched, like with Harold. Instead, Beth hugs him.)
Beth: You may have been a jerk to me all season. But you saved my best friend's life. I'll always owe you for that. I think you're a good guy, Trent. You've just lost your way. (Trent shrugs, and turns away.)
Trent: Yeah, whatever. (Finally, Beth has gotten to Courtney.)
Beth: You, on the other hand, are a complete and utter bitch. F**K YOU! (Everyone applauds, while steam billows of Courtney's ears. Beth starts to make her way towards the forest.)
Beth: Goodbye, everyone! I'll make sure to kick Alejandro Deadass in the Redemption Cabin duel, if I can!
Ezekiel: Wait, eh! (Ezekiel frantically runs out of the bushes.)
Chris (sarcastically): Sure, let's just have every member of the Killer Redwoods show up! That's fine!
Beth (blushing): Ezekiel! You came!
Ezekiel: I wouldn't let you leave without saying goodbye first. And you forgot something. (He reaches into his pants, and pulls out Big Bertha, who is struggling mightily in the homeschool's grasp.)
Beth: *Gasp* Big Bertha! (She takes the pig from Ezekiel and hugs it to her chest.) Thank you, Ezekiel! I can't believe I almost forgot her!
Ezekiel: I was taking care of her, until you were eliminated, eh. She's in better health than ever before. We've been on a strict workout regimen, and I've been giving her a nutritious diet sure to give her wonderful coat a glossy feel and help with her constipation issues.
Beth: That's… that's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.
Trent: Um, I saved your best friend's life a few minutes ago! Isn't that a little more substantial than kidnapping your pig and developing a creepy relationship with it?
Beth: Don't worry, Trent, the life-saving thing is a close second. (She turns back to Ezekiel.) Oh, Ezekiel…
Ezekiel: Oh, Beth… (He swoops her up into his arms, and the two kiss passionately.)
Girls: Aww…..
Chris: Okay, WTF?! Where is this coming from? First Nizzy, then Trentney, and now this? I know this show has been all into crack couples lately, but this is just ridiculous! Ezekiel and Beth have interacted, like, literally twice over the course of the entire show! Why are they suddenly Romeo and Juliet-esque lovers? Seriously, it's like Sierra was hired to be on the writing team or something! (Ezekiel pulls away, and glares at Chris.)
Ezekiel: Our love goes beyond the story, eh. (He is then pulled back down by Beth, and the two continue to kiss. Cody, meanwhile, is watching all this with a shocked facial expression. He then slumps his shoulders, and looks down at the dock. Finally, Beth and Ezekiel are finished making out, and they are now staring into each other's eyes with lust.)
Ezekiel: You know, that's the first time I've ever kissed a girl, eh.
Beth: Same! Er, I mean, first time I've ever kissed a guy.
Ezekiel: But what about that time with Alejandro?
Beth: I'm pretty sure he's part woman. And besides, that was just part of a challenge.
Ezekiel: So… you never liked him?
Beth: Are you serious? Of course I liked him! I wanted to rip him open and eat his still-beating heart, he was so sexy! But you know what Alejandro didn't have? A heart.
Ezekiel: Because you ate it, eh?
Beth: No, because he's an arrogant douchebag! But you have a heart, Ezekiel. Don't anyone tell you otherwise. (Ezekiel nods, his eyes brimming with tears. Beth starts to walk away, waving.)
Beth: I need to leave now, Zeke, but I'll be back! My journey will begin with kicking Alejandro's butt! Wish me luck! (Everyone waves, as Ezekiel sobs. Beth disappears into the forest, Big Bertha tucked underneath her arm. Geoff, DJ, and Tyler then race up to Ezekiel, and grab him excitedly.)
Geoff: Dude, nice! What a score! Even if it was a pretty low score, a score nonetheless.
Ezekiel: What does that mean?
Geoff: Well, um… Beth isn't exactly supermodel status, if you know what I mean. Unless she's modeling for House of Humor. (Ezekiel glares at Geoff.)
Ezekiel: How dare you, eh. My first girlfriend, and you're already hating on her, man? I thought you'd be more supportive, Geoff!
Geoff: I am supportive, dude! I'm a motivational speaker! Look, I'm not judging. Beth's fine!
Ezekiel: She's more than fine. By god, she's AVERAGE! And you can't say otherwise! (He then stomps away in anger. Geoff shrugs, and walks away, stroking his cleft chin. Tyler turns to DJ.)
Tyler: See what you've done, DJ?
DJ: I didn't even speak!
Tyler: It doesn't matter. Actions speak louder than words. Remember that, DJ. (DJ lets out an exasperated sigh.)
Confession Cam
DJ: This has got to end. (He groans.) When will it end?
Lindsay: *Sob*… I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU, BETH! YOU WERE MY RAINBOW! (Suddenly, Chris sticks his head in through the window.)
Chris: I can be your rainbow, babe.
(Static)
Cody: It's official. I'm the last bachelor left in the competition. Ezekiel got a girl before me! And now it's all set. Ezekiel's got Beth, Trent's got Courtney, Alejandro's got Heather, Tyler's got Lindsay, DJ's got Katie, and Geoff's got Bridgette. Trent, you said you were going to help me win over Katie if I voted for Courtney that first time. Well, any help would be appreciated right now! At this rate, I'm ready to start a relationship with this plunger! (He holds up a plunger.)
Ezekiel: God, I'm sick of the guys giving me a rough time about everything, eh! I finally find true love, and they can't even be supportive. I need to go talk to the girls aboot this. They'll understand. Although for some odd reason, they haven't really liked my sneaking into their cabin lately.
Trent: So, Courtney just told me about the Noah thing. Well well well, Noah, you sly dog! Backstabbing your entire alliance and making them hate your guts? Not a good move. I would try to see things from your point of view on why the hell you would do something like that, but my head can't reach that far up my own ass. But it wasn't smart. Now, while their blood is boiling, maybe I can show them this. (He whips out the video tape of Noah faking his injury.) Forgot about that, huh? Yeah, our team already sees you as selfish, but wait until they see this. You'll be a dead man! And while I'm at it, maybe I can also show Izzy what really happened to Mr. Fan. (He smirks.) Oh yeah. Trent's back, baby.
End of Confessionals
Forest
Beth: Ahh… This is the first alone time I've had in a long while. It feels nice, doesn't it, Big Bertha? (She looks down at the pig, which is walking at her feet as they trek along the trail leading to Redemption Cabin.) No drama… no romance… just peace and quiet. Now, we need to make sure not to be charmed by Alejandro this time once we arrive, Big Bertha. He's sure to try and get us to fall for his tricks. But I'm in a committed relationship now. So we need to figure out a game plan, don't you think? (She looks forward, and sees Big Bertha sprinting ahead, having caught the scent of something.)
Beth: Where are you going, Big Bertha? Stop! Don't get hypnotized by Alejandro's heavenly, spicy fragrance! Behind that fragrance lays pure evil! (She runs after the pig, and follows it into a clearing. Big Bertha is over by a cluster of bushes, sniffing around furiously. Beth walks over, puzzled. She examines the thickets, and frowns.)
Beth: What could this be? (Then she gasps.) Those leaves! I recognize those leaves! Those are the leaves of the passion flower! Now what was it used for again… Oh wait! That's right! It's used to make people fall asleep when they have insomnia, right, Big Bertha? (Big Bertha turns to Beth.)
Big Bertha: Okay, I'm a f**king pig, not your friend, for gods sake! I don't know sh** like that. All I do is poop and eat! And frankly, you're annoying as hell! Get some real friends, you pathetic geek! And stop making me spend time with Ezekiel, he's creepy as *******. Finally, I'M A GUY, GODDAMIT!
Beth: Huh? What did you say, Big Bertha?
Big Bertha: Um, I mean… oink?
Beth: Oh. Thanks, Big Bertha! I knew you would agree! So, the passion flower. Used to make people fall asleep for long periods of time, if taken in large doses. What could I do with this? (Suddenly she gets an idea.) I hope Alejandro likes tea.
Confession Cam
Beth: Okay, so here's my plan. When I arrive at Redemption Cabin, I'm going to act with Alejandro the way I did at the beginning of the season, where I was swooning all over him and stuff. This way, he'll drop his guard. Then, I'll offer him some tea. (She smirks, and holds up a jar filled with petals.) A few of these, and he'll fall asleep in a matter of minutes. And he may very well sleep for so long, that he won't be able to attend the duel. (She smirks even more.) And that means he forfeits, and that Beth wins. See ya, Alejandro. (She cringes.) Did I just sound like an antagonistic bitch? I'm so sorry if I came across that way!
Big Bertha: Yeah, I can talk. So f**king what? Also, my name is Keith, not Big Bertha. Big Bertha sound like a name Justin would give to his ****!
End of Confessionals
Killer Redwoods Cabin (Female)
(Bridgette is polishing her surfboard, when suddenly, the door slams open, and Katie tromps in, muttering to herself. In her hands are her pink skinny jeans, torn and covered in mud.)
Katie: Ezekiel. Is. A. Dead. Man.
Bridgette: What happened? (Katie lets out an exasperated sigh, and holds up her skinny jeans.)
Katie: Ezekiel decided to go prancing around in my perfect jeans in front of the entire Screaming Ivy team! Did you know these jeans were of the finest quality? They even got Justin's approval! And now they're ruined! (She starts to sob.)
Bridgette: Aw, don't cry. First of all: why the hell do you care about Justin's approval? I'm pretty sure I saw him giving himself a lap dance. And besides; I'm sure we can mend them. (She takes the jeans from Katie and starts wiping them off.)
Katie: No, it's not possible. They're dead. Destroyed! It's official: Ezekiel destroys everything he touches!
Bridgette (as she continues to polish her surfboard): Well, not everything.
Katie: Yes, everything! Remember just a few mornings ago, at breakfast? The Mess Hall erupted in flame, Chef had both his eyes stabbed out, and Chris was crushed by a chandelier! And that was just by the time Ezekiel sat down at the table to eat!
Bridgette: Okay, that sooooo never happened.
Katie: Maybe not, but it's bound to happen someday. You know it, too. It's just a matter of time. So I've made the decision. Our alliance of four is going to target Ezekiel next.
Bridgette (as she continues to polish her surfboard): Why Ezekiel? I think it should be Tyler. He's the ultimate douchebag! And he's been really mean to DJ lately. For no reason whatsoever!
Katie: Why should we care about DJ?
Bridgette (as she continues to polish her surfboard): Oh, I don't know. Maybe the fact that he's a key member of our alliance and your boyfriend!
Katie: So what? He needs to man up. Having a fierce and healthy rivalry with Tyler will help him do that.
Bridgette (as she continues to polish her surfboard): Tyler's been making his life a living hell!
Katie: That's an exaggeration. (Suddenly, there is a knock on the door, and Tyler sticks his head in.)
Tyler: Hey, ladies. If you see DJ, can you tell me? I'm trying to make his life a living hell. (He ducks his head back out. Bridgette smirks at Katie, polishing her surfboard as she does so.)
Bridgette (as she continues to polish her surfboard): Hm. Whatever you say, Katie.
Katie: Oh, so what? It's only a little—(She pauses, watching as Bridgette continues to polish her surfboard.) Okay, will you stop polishing that thing?! (She beckons to Bridgette's surfboard.) Whenever you need an action to go along with your dialogue, you just start molesting that filthy board of yours! Are you trying to become a living stereotype? (Bridgette glares at Katie, and puts down her surfboard. The surfer girl stands up, and clenches her fist.)
Bridgette: Tell me now, Katie. What are your true plans? (Katie turns away.)
Katie: What do you mean?
Bridgette: Oh, you know what I mean. You've already made it clear that you hate me and my surfboard. You bitch about Geoff to me all the time. And as far as I can tell, you hate your boyfriend, too! Why would you form an alliance with us?
Katie: You don't need to know my intentions.
Bridgette: So we aren't really in an alliance then, are we? If you refuse to tell me anything, that is. Then tell me: what's your actual plan? And how do you expect to get it done? (Katie whips around to face Bridgette, her eyes narrowed.)
Katie: I have plans that go far beyond any of you. And my goal will be achieved, one way or another. Nobody affects my ultimate outcome. Not my allies, not my enemies, not my slavishly obeying minions. I will win the hundred grand. And along the way, you can either choose to be with me, Bridgette, or against me. If you're with me, you'll make it as far as I can take you, before I cut you loose quietly. If you're against me, you will face not only a quick elimination but a humiliating and emotionally scarring one as well that will land you with a prison sentence of five years at the minimum. So… what's your choice? I highly suggest you think before making your decision. (Bridgette and Katie stare each other down, their eyes burning white hot. Suddenly, Katie hears a thump over by one of the beds. Her eyes narrow, before she turns back to Bridgette.) We'll have to postpone your decision for now. I have some business to take care of. (She slowly tiptoes over to the bed, her fists clenched. With one swift motion, she pulls away the covers. Nothing. Katie slowly lifts her chin up, and sniffs the air. Her teeth clench.)
Katie: Maple syrup. (She turns to Bridgette.) Bridgette, I hate to inform you of this, but Ezekiel is in the cabin right now, as we speak. Do not panic. I want you to lock the door.
Bridgette: But—
Katie: LOCK IT! (Bridgette shakes her head, and locks the door. Katie nods in approval. She glances around the cabin one last time, and then makes a decision.)
Katie: Okay, here's how it's going to work. I'll check all the drawers. Bridgette, you search underneath every bed. Ezekiel, you search the rafters. These are obvious hiding places, and Ezekiel's probably not there, but we should at least check. Okay? We'll meet back in five. Got it?
Bridgette: Got it.
Ezekiel: Got it, eh. (The three of them then search the cabin. Katie tears open every drawer like a psychopath. Bridgette nonchalantly checks under every bed. Ezekiel climbs into the rafters with a flashlight. After five minutes, the three of them meet up again at the center of the cabin.)
Katie: Nothing. Did you two find anything?
Bridgette: Just the usual.
Ezekiel: Nope. Nothing, eh.
Katie: Hmm. What I expected.
Ezekiel: You know, I think we really need to get inside the mind of Ezekiel if we want to find out where he's hiding, eh. You know? Think, "If I were Ezekiel, where would I hide?"
Katie: Hey, that's not a bad idea, Ezekiel.
Bridgette: Yeah, thanks, Ezekiel.
Ezekiel: Don't mention it, ladies. (He gives them a charming grin, walks over to the door, unlocks it, and then runs as fast as he can out of the cabin. Bridgette and Katie watch him leave, before turning and smiling at one another. Slowly, Bridgette starts to realize what just happened. Her face slowly contorts into a scowl. Katie is confused for a second, before her face twists into an even deeper scowl.)
Katie: Bridgette?
Bridgette: Mmm hmm?
Katie: …Was that Ezekiel we were just talking to?
Bridgette: Mmm. (She shrugs, but Katie knows she means "yes". Katie's face starts to contort into one of pure hatred.)
Katie: Then how the f*** did we not realize that? (Bridgette just shakes her head in disbelief. Katie rolls up her sleeves, and cracks her knuckles.)
Katie: Excuse me for a moment. (She sprints out of the cabin.)
Confession Cam
Katie: Of course, the moment I sprinted outside, I found Ezekiel running for his life. But he wasn't fast enough to get away from me. And let's just say, I was a little pissed.
End of Confessionals
Katie: HOW DID YOU GET IN?! (She has Ezekiel pressed up against a tree, throttling him.) HOW?!
Ezekiel: M-magic, eh. S-see? (He reaches behind him, and pulls out a sock.) Poof. Magic!
Katie: That's a sock, Ezekiel.
Ezekiel: That's what you think, eh. But look! (He puts the sock on his hand, and forms a mouth with his fingers.) Now it's a sock puppet! (Katie stares at Ezekiel, while he grins at her. This goes on for thirty seconds of silence. Katie then reaches forward and grabs Ezekiel's sock-covered fist, before smashing it into his face repeatedly. Blood spurts from Ezekiel's nose, and he grabs it in pain. Katie pushes him back up against the bark of the tree.)
Katie: Ezekiel, you need to learn something. If you continue to act like a retard, you're going to rub people the wrong way!
Ezekiel (tapping his chin): You know, out of all the expressions you modern-day teenagers use, that one has always been the term I've understood the least. I mean, how do you rub someone the right way? Does it require practice? Are there special kinds of gloves one must use? Or is it not in the act itself, but in the sensual events leading up to it? (Katie stares at him in disbelief.)
Katie: My case in f**king point, Ezekiel! If you spend time analyzing the proper technique to molest someone, someone's going to get pissed off! And that person is going to want to take action. And then you're going to wake up in a dumpster, bloody and bruised, later to be diagnosed with severe head trauma, multiple fractured ribs, and AIDS. Sound magic to you, Ezekiel?
Ezekiel: …Or perhaps to rub someone the right way, you don't use your hands, but your earlobes, instead. (Katie slaps him across the face.)
Katie: Focus! Now, let's go back to the issue at hand.
Ezekiel: Yes, let's. (He taps his chin, and beckons to Katie.) So, what are your thoughts on rubbing people the right way? I'm sure you've got quite the intellectual answer. (Katie slaps him again.) Ooo… I never thought about that, eh. Quite intellectual indeed! (Katie slaps him twice, once with each hand.)
Katie: I can do this all night, Ezekiel. So, are you going to shut up? (Ezekiel nods.) Good. (She slaps him again for good measure.) Now, back on topic. I set up the entire cabin specifically so there was no possible way you could get in! I spent all night setting up the traps. I laced the windows with the highest quality fly paper! I set mouse traps all underneath the cabin floor, waiting to spring up at any moment! I hired three interns to patrol the cabin with armed bazookas! How did you still find a way inside?
Ezekiel: Truthfully, eh? Well, your defenses were elementary, to say the least. First of all, the fly paper on the windowsill. You placed it oot for far too long. It dried up in a matter of days. Remember: you should constantly replace your fly paper so it doesn't lose its effectiveness, eh. And even if the fly paper was sticky enough, it would've been easy to avoid it. A simple 360-degree aerial barrel-roll cleanly propelled me through the window and over the first of many mouse traps you had placed at the base of the wall. Now, that gets me onto the second of your traps. The mouse traps. Now, you were clever to place these under the floorboards, and you set them up so they would only spring up at the pressure of my hulky and manly weight, protecting you and your closest ally, Bridgette. This also gave off the illusion that there were no mouse traps, as one could easily see through your poorly fly-papered window that you and Bridgette were walking around your cabin as if nothing was lurking beneath the floor. But it's a trick I've seen used many times, eh. So I proceeded with caution. And just like I suspected, you placed the mouse traps in one of the most obvious patterns used by landmine planters today: from the base of the window, you placed one mouse trap underneath every other plank of wood stretching oot across the cabin. Hooever, I knew you would switch up the pattern after six mouse traps, because you knew that the human brain most consistently becomes locked into a pattern after six cycles through it, eh. Therefore, by placing two boards between the previous mouse trap and the next one, you believed I would have become relaxed by then on my careful journey across the floor of your cabin, and stepped right upon your trap. But then again, I don't see why these mouse traps would be such a threat to me anyways; a little pinch wouldn't affect my muscular, steel-like toes, no matter how great the chance of Tetanus, eh.
Katie (rubbing the back of her head): Yeah… I was kind of counting on the bazookas.
Ezekiel: Ah, yes. Your arms-bearing interns. Two of them were drunk, and the other one seemed to be sober. However, the sober intern was a woman, so, like with all other females, I was able to charm her with my rugged good looks in a matter of seconds, eh. (Katie stares at him.)
Katie: Wow… so you really have a knack for this espionage thing. Hmm… (She starts to think, and as she does, she tightens her grip on Ezekiel's neck. This makes the homeschool cry out in pain, and start blubbering like a baby.)
Ezekiel: Look, I'm sorry it happened, eh! But please, don't hurt me! I won't ever intrude on your girl time again. It's just, I feel like you girls understand me so much better than the guys in the cabin do! And I need to talk to you about something that Geoff said. It made me feel like—
Katie: Enough with your tear-stained confession about your gender confusion! I'm trying to think! (She continues to rack her brain for a few more seconds, and then turns to Ezekiel, grinning. Katie lets go of her grip on Ezekiel's throat, and he falls to the ground. He rubs his neck, chuckling sheepishly.)
Katie: I have a plan for you, Zeke.
Ezekiel: Does it involve potatoes?
Katie: What? No! Why the hell would it involve potatoes? No, Ezekiel, I have much different plan for you, one with no bulbs of any kind. You're going to be my spy.
Ezekiel: Er… what's a spy, eh?
Katie: God, how completely cut off from the real world are you? (She shakes her head.) Spies, Ezekiel, are a very important breed. They're creatures of the night. Masters of stealth. Experts in mixed martial arts. They see all that is unseen. Hear all that is unheard. They won't leave, even if you try everything you can to get them to. Just like you, Ezekiel. (Ezekiel's eyes light up at all of this.)
Ezekiel: Sounds like me!
Katie: Um, yeah, that's what I just said! Now, I need to give you your mission.
Ezekiel: My mission. (His mouth starts to water.) I've always dreamed of being assigned a mission, eh!
Katie: Great. Then you'll love this one. I need you to spy on the Screaming Ivy. Study their interactions. Observe their body language. Analyze the hidden meanings beneath what they say to one another. I saw you at their elimination ceremony tonight. Did you notice anything? Who do you think is the Screaming Ivy mastermind?
Ezekiel: I think it's Lindsay, eh. From what I've observed.
Katie: Lindsay! I should've known! (She taps her chin.) She's obviously running the show over there. (She pauses.) Wait a minute. Did I seriously just agree with that? (She scowls at Ezekiel.) You're going to have to do better than that, Zeke. So yeah. Find out everything you can on the Screaming Ivy. (She notices he's disappeared.) Where did he go? (She looks upwards, and sees a dark figure darting from tree to tree, off into the night.)
Katie: Oh boy. What have you just released, Katie?
Confession Cam
Katie: With the merge soon approaching, I need to gather as much information from the other team as I can. Its cracks, its secret alliances... then, I must use this information to my advantage once the merge comes around, and turn the Screaming Ivy members against one another! But I need a spy to help me. As much as it pains me to say so, Ezekiel's the best spy I have on my team. He's stealthy, persistent… and he has a disturbing habit of popping up out of nowhere. (Ezekiel suddenly appears on her lap, making Katie shriek.)
Ezekiel: Ta-da! (Katie snarls, and starts beating Ezekiel up.)
Katie: How dare you, you piece of—(The camera cuts off as she continues to tear Ezekiel apart, as he cries in pain.)
End of Confessionals
Redemption Cabin
Alejandro: C'mon, Alejandro, scrub! (The ladies' man is in the bathtub, talking to himself as he lathers up his body. Upon his head is a pink shower cap.) Remember, you must get between your thighs when washing. You know the type of grime that can accumulate there from a hard day's work. And you must be completely squeaky clean for the duel!
Confession Cam
Alejandro: Another thing I focused on while in Redemption Cabin was personal hygiene. Take a look! You can literally see your reflection in my buttocks, they're that shiny! (He bends over and looks at his reflection in his buttocks.) I look good.
End of Confessionals
Alejandro: Ahh… (He leans back in the bathtub, letting the steam rise from the water. He is finished with his cleaning, and is now relaxing, his eyes closed.) So very soothing this is… like I am sizzling in a bowl of chicken tortilla soup… (Suddenly, he hears the sound of breaking glass, over by the door. Alejandro's eyes burst open. Slowly, his pupils dart around the room, but see nothing. Alejandro rises up out of the bathtub, and wraps a towel around himself. Grabbing his spear, he walks over and investigates the door. He sees no broken windows, and no shattered glass of any kind. Alejandro peers outside. Nothing suspicious out there. The latino shrugs.)
Alejandro: You are paranoid, Alejandro. Your next visitor will be nothing like Harold. Unless it's Ezekiel. (He shudders.) Oh god. Or Izzy. OHMYGOD, WHAT IF IT'S IZZY?! (He starts to hyperventilate.) Calm yourself, Alejandro. When you left, Izzy and Ezekiel both had great positions in the game. It's not like they are completely polarizing outcasts from their own teams, or something. (He thinks for a second.) Except they are completely polarizing outcasts from their own teams! (He is now freaking out now, his spear clenched firmly. He points it at a shadow that looks mysteriously like Ezekiel.) Well, I'm ready! You can't flash me, Ezekiel! (He whips around, and sees a broom with long red hair like Izzy's.) And you can't blow me up, Izzy! (He thinks for a second.) How exactly would a spear protect me from explosives? (He calms down.) Don't lose your sense, Alejandro. You're being ridiculous. Now go back to that bath of yours, and continue those wonderful fantasies of Heather… (Alejandro nods to himself, and heads back to the bathtub. He steps in, and slowly lowers himself back into the warm water.)
Alejandro: Ahh… you have nothing to fear, Alejandro. You are completely alone. It's just you, your bath, and Beth. (He sits in a silent for a moment.) Wait a minute. BETH?! (He suddenly realizes that Beth is in the bath tub with him, completely naked.)
Beth (seductively): Why hello there.
Alejandro: Beth! Heh heh. What are you doing here? Were you eliminated?
Beth: I was. I guess my team just thought I was too HOT to handle. (She winks, making sure to display just enough of her cleavage above the bubbles of the bath. Alejandro shudders.)
Alejandro: Hm. T-that's interesting. But w-why are you in my b-bathtub?
Beth: Because I like your bath, Alejandro. And I needed a cleaning. (She winks at him, and sighs in pleasure.) I can just feel the grime washing off of my skin… (Alejandro tries not to vomit, and swallows deeply.)
Alejandro: That's *urk*… that's great, Beth. We all like to be clean, don't we?
Beth: Not always true. Sometimes I like to get dirty. (She inches towards him, and Alejandro inches away from her.)
Alejandro: So… I guess the duel is tomorrow, huh? Heh heh.
Beth: *Sigh*… It's all about the game to you, isn't it, Alejandro? When can you learn to just… relax? (She raises her leg up high, and takes a sponge. Slowly she rubs it down her leg, from the top of her toes to her inner thigh. Alejandro's eyes are now watering, partially from disgust, partially from pure terror.)
Alejandro: Please don't do that.
Beth: Why? Don't you like it? (She has cornered him in the bathtub, and inches toward him, wiggling her body seductively through the water. A few tears drop from Alejandro's eyes, and hit the water with a hiss. Beth is now pressed up next to him. She whispers into his ear.)
Beth: This is nice, isn't it?
Alejandro: Mm.
Beth: Yeah… let's just stay like this. Let's just enjoy the bath. Sound good? (Alejandro can barely nod. Slowly, he starts to cry, as Beth nuzzles up against him.)
Confession Cam
Alejandro: Well, that experience is going to cause me long nights of trauma, that's for sure. It's obvious Beth still hasn't quite gotten over that crush of hers on me yet. Understandable. Even I haven't quite gotten over my crush on myself yet. But at least I know that this should be an easy duel.
Beth: Step one complete. Alejandro has no idea what my true plans are. (She grins.) I think I make a pretty good seductress, don't you?
End of Confessionals
(Alejandro and Beth now each sit at the ends of a long table in the cabin, facing each other.)
Beth: This is nice… isn't it?
Alejandro: Um… where did you get the table? (Before Beth can answer, the piercing scream of a tea kettle going off rings through the air.)
Beth: Ah! The tea is ready! (She races off to go get it.)
Alejandro: Where'd she get a tea kettle? And where'd she get an oven, for that matter? (Beth comes back, with a cup and tea kettle. She places the cup in front of Alejandro, and pours the tea in. She then sits back down at her seat, and watches him from across the table.)
Alejandro: Um… aren't you going to drink some?
Beth: Nah… watching a sexy guy like yourself drink tea is enough to quench any girl's thirst.
Alejandro: Very well. I am very thirst quenching. (He slowly brings the cup up to his lips. Immediately he recognizes the smell. Alejandro pauses, and Beth furrows her brow.)
Beth: Is there a problem?
Alejandro: Nope. (He drinks it all, and smiles at her.) Delicious. You prepared it excellently. (Beth isn't even hiding her smirk now, as she watches him from across the table.)
Beth: Well, that was a nice conversation.
Alejandro: Um, did we even speak to each other about anything?
Beth: We spoke with our eyes, Alejandro. They said everything that needs to be said.
Alejandro: But your eyes are just two dots! How are they supposed to convey any emotion?
Beth: Maybe we should go to sleep. We can have our conversation tomorrow morning. Before the duel.
Alejandro: Say… I am getting tired… Funny, usually I need my burrito pacifier to fall asleep… (He slowly walks over to his bed, and lies down in it.)
Beth: You don't need it… you're a big boy now…
Alejandro (his eyelids drooping): Heh heh… I'm a big boy…
Beth: Go to sleep… When you wake up, this will all be over… (She places a blanket over his body.)
Alejandro: Okay… mama… (His eyelids droop over, and he starts to snore. Beth grins down at him condescendingly.)
Beth: Well, lookie here. The great Alejandro. The ladies' man. Fitting his end comes at the hands of a female. (She yawns suddenly.) As much as I'd like to relish this moment, I do need my sleep. Big Bertha, you can stand guard.
Big Bertha: F**k you. Um, I mean, oink.
Beth: Goodnight to you too! (She chuckles and climbs into another one of the beds. In a matter of seconds, she's fast asleep. Immediately, Alejandro hops out of bed, and jams two fingers down his throat. He hacks, and vomits up all of the tea. He wipes his forehead.)
Alejandro: Whew. That was a close one. (Big Bertha is watching him in amusement.)
Big Bertha: Wow. I've never seen a guy who's so skilled at being a bulimic!
Alejandro: Shut up. (He grins at Beth.) Well played, pig girl. You almost had me. But now it's my move.
Confession Cam
Alejandro: I admit, it certainly was impressive how Beth had it all planned out. I did not think she had that kind of strategy in her! But drugging me? Don't you think that's a bit too low, even for your standards? Oh well. Now it's my turn. Time for Alejandro to work his spicy magic! (He rubs his hands together.)
End of Confessionals
Alejandro: Stop it! Stop being so uncooperative, you revolting swine! (Big Bertha's hoof smashes into his face. He is struggling with the pig, trying to get it to stop moving.)
Big Bertha: Let go of me, you rapist! BETH! HELP! HELP—(He is cut off as Alejandro shoves his fist into the pig's mouth, shutting him up.)
Alejandro: Please, hush. Or you may soon find out how much I love a good pork taquito. Now, you're going to listen to my plan. (He takes his hand out of Big Bertha's mouth.)
Big Bertha: If you were just going to talk to me, why did you just grab me and violate my oral region with your dirty Latino hand?
Alejandro: Because I wanted to show you how serious I am about this. Now, here's how this is going to work. You're going to leave the cabin. Go run off into the woods. You'll be free. Free from the suffocating terror that is Beth!
Big Bertha: Admittedly, I'd love to be free from that bitch. But why do you care so much?
Alejandro: It's all part of my plan. Tomorrow morning, when Beth wakes up, she won't know where you are. Certainly, she'll refuse to go to the duel until she's found you. She'll have to forfeit! And I will have won! And I will be one step closer to being back in the game, and wreaking my revenge on the teammates who so mercilessly voted me off.
Big Bertha: Geez, do you humans ever play fair? Or do you always just lie and cheat your way to victory? Do you monsters even have consciences?
Alejandro: So you will not help me?
Big Bertha: No no, I'm all for lying and cheating. Especially if it results in Beth's elimination. In fact, before I leave, we should have a back-up plan in case this doesn't work. I came up with one. (He whispers in Alejandro's ear, making the sexy man's eyes go wide.)
Alejandro: Wow… so you really hate her, don't you?
Big Bertha: You don't understand what it's like, living with her! Do you know how many nights during middle school she spent substituting her social life for dancing around me in her pajamas? It was terrible!
Alejandro: What? What's wrong with that? Everyone loves a good pajama dance fiesta! (He sighs, reminiscing.) I remember the long, spicy nights mi madre and I used to spend dancing in our pajamas… (He scowls, and clenches his fists.) But she always thought my brother Jose was the best at the dancing… Even though he couldn't even come close to my Flamenco dancing! My Flamenco dancing incorporated all the aspects of Spanish dance; it was sensual, fluid, and exciting. Yet still, mi mama only wanted to tango with Jose's mango! (He sighs.) Do you understand my regret? (He looks up, and sees Big Bertha running out of the cabin. He groans.)
Alejandro: You're just like my brother Jose. Never listening to my feelings.
Confession Cam
Big Bertha: Okay, that dude seriously needs to get over his creepy man-crush on his brother. I'm seriously starting to feel like Jose doesn't exist, and he's just a figment of Alejandro's tortured imagination, an image of what his perfect self could be! Man, we pigs should be psychologists.
End of Confessionals
Screaming Ivy Cabin (Males)
Trent: I'm glad you're back. (Cody is just stepping through the door as he says this.)
Cody: Dude, that's kind of creepy. I was literally gone for like two minutes while I was brushing my teeth.
Trent: Well, I'm glad you're back, anyways. I missed you. Here; sit down. (He beckons to the spot on the bed next to him.)
Cody: Um... okay. Actually, I've been meaning to talk to you. Remember that favor I asked of you? Where'd you help me out with Katie?
Trent: Ah, yes. You want to win the girl.
Cody: Just this once, please! You need to give me advice! You've been pretty successful with the ladies, right? How do you win them over?
Trent: Ladies are complicated, Cody. There are many layers to them. Plus, they act on impulse. Probably why they were denied voting rights for so many years. Was that sexist? Yeah, that was probably sexist. Anyways, I think I have the perfect words of advice for you.
Cody: Thank you, thank you! (He jumps on Trent's lap, and hugs him.)
Trent: Um, you're making me feel uncomfortable here.
Cody: Sorry. (He gets off. Trent smiles, and continues.)
Trent: Women, out of all the things I've observed of them, love to win. Take Courtney for example. She wins? She's happy. She loses? She takes her anger out on me, which includes many painful kicks to the crotch. So you need to help Katie win, or else you may find your crotch in quite a bit of pain very soon.
Cody: So, what you're saying is I need throw the challenge.
Trent: Not necessarily. You're just helping Katie. You're not hurting your own team.
Cody: And this works?
Trent: Works like a charm.
Cody: But wait a minute. Didn't you try this with Gwen back in Season 2, and she just broke up with you?
Trent: Yes, but I carried it out in the wrong way. I made it seem like I was inferior to her. You need to make it seem like you could win the challenge, but you're choosing to help her instead, because you pity her. Women love to be pitied.
Cody: …Really?
Trent: Yeah! They want to be dominated. They want you to be in control.
Cody: Wow. I never thought of it that way. Wow! Thanks, Trent! I owe you one!
Trent: Good. Then I have a little favor to ask you. (He looks at Cody's surprised facial expression.) What?
Cody: Sorry, I'm just surprised. Usually when people say they owe a person one, they don't actually expect the person to follow through and ask them for a favor.
Trent: Well, it's a small favor. And considering I just saved you from becoming a virgin for life, I think you should help.
Cody: Okay. What do you want?
Trent: You know how to work an overhead projector, right?
Cody: Dude, I'm the show's tech geek. I can not only work the overhead projector, I can convince it to give me oral.
Trent: Um… great to know. So yeah. When I call on you, I need you to go set it up for me. Okay? But that'll be sometime in the daytime. Now, let's get our rest, agreed?
Cody: Agreed. (They sit there on the bed for a while.)
Trent: In separate beds, Cody.
Cody: Oops. Heh heh. Forgot.
Confession Cam
Cody: Alright! Phase One of Cody's Plan begins! Set sail for getting laid! (He jumps out the window. Chris sticks his head in.)
Chris: Seriously, how many times is he going to do that after his confessionals?
End of Confessionals
Redemption Cabin
(It is now early morning, and mist is hanging low in the air around the cabin. Alejandro gallops through the fog, having just come back from his early morning run. He wipes the sweat off his forehead, and grins at his reflection in the pool that accumulates on the ground.)
Alejandro: Let us begin, shall we? (He opens the door to the cabin, and sees that Beth is still asleep. Slowly, he tiptoes over to her bed, and gently nudges her awake. Beth's eyes sluggishly open, and she puts on her glasses. She does a double-take when she sees Alejandro.)
Beth: You're… you're awake!
Alejandro: Si, I am. And I am feeling the best I have felt in a long while. That tea of yours really did the trick with my sleeping patterns. I had one of the most peaceful rests in my entire fourteen Spanish lives. No sleep-walking, no nightmares of my brother humiliating me, no waking up with a sore back and a tear-stained pillow… it was wonderful, Beth.
Beth: Heh heh. G-glad I could help. (She chuckles nervously.) So, is it time to go to the duel?
Alejandro: Yes… we must leave in ten minutes. Chris wants us there at 6 am, sharp. However, I woke you up just a tad bit early because I regret to inform you of a loss.
Beth: What? What happened?
Alejandro: It appears that… it appears that… that… (He chokes on a sob.)
Beth: Don't cry, Alejandro! Oh, please don't cry! It will mess up your beautiful face! (Alejandro sniffles, and sits down on her bed next to her.)
Alejandro: It's all my fault. I could've prevented it, I'm sure… after all, I was very close to her as well…
Beth: Tell me, Alejandro! I won't be mad!
Alejandro: Big Bertha… has run away. (After he says this, he breaks down sobbing again.)
Beth: No!
Alejandro: Yes, it is the truth. (He pounds his fists against the wall in agony.) I feel terrible! I should've been there to stop her. She could be anywhere on the island now… She could be lost in the forest, back at camp, or even in Chef's next dish…
Beth: Oh, don't say that, Alejandro! Quick, we need to look everywhere! (She quickly opens up the waistband to Alejandro's thong, and peers in. Alejandro jumps away in surprise.)
Alejandro (blushing): I doubt she is in there, muchacha.
Beth: Sorry. Force of habit. Whenever Big Bertha used to go missing, Ezekiel's pants were always the first place I checked. Okay, we need to spread out, and search the area!
Alejandro: We only have ten minutes, Beth. I doubt we'll—
Beth: Enough with you and your pessimism! If we work together, anything is possible! (She takes Alejandro's hands, and rainbows and flowers appear around them.) With the power of friendship, anything can be accomplished!
Alejandro: Um… might I ask where all these flowers and rainbows are coming from? (But Beth has already sprinted out of the cabin, calling for Big Bertha. Alejandro watches her as she goes.)
Alejandro: Wow… so she really thinks we're friends? Unfortunately, the Alejandro does not have time for friends. He'll be happy enough when he has a million friends, all in the form of dollar bills. (He waits as ten minutes pass, then walks out into the forest and looks for Beth. Finally, he finds the nerd girl crouched up in a ball, crying.)
Alejandro: BETH! What has happened? Tell Alejandro everything!
Beth: She's not here. I couldn't find Big Bertha anywhere.
Alejandro: Oh no! Certainly, you must keep searching. You must not give up.
Beth: But what about the duel?
Alejandro: I can attend for both of us. It would be an honor. (He bows to her.) I will make sure to inform Chris of the inconvenience.
Beth: But wait… wouldn't that mean my elimination?
Alejandro: Perhaps. But it could also mean you're remembered and revered in Total Drama history forever, having sacrificed your own life to save your pig.
Beth: Nah, I'd rather go and win the duel. Let's head out, shall we?
Alejandro: Um, are you sure? You may never see Big Bertha again!
Beth: Oh, Big Bertha can survive on her own. She's resourceful. Now, I'm going to the duel. If you want to stay here, fine. I'll inform Chris of the inconvenience. (Alejandro realizes she has caught onto his trickery, and sighs.)
Alejandro: Let us make like Don Quixote, then.
Confession Cam
Beth: Well, my plan didn't work. (She shrugs.) It's probably for the better. I would've had such a dirty conscience if Alejandro had to miss the duel!
Alejandro: Goddamit, why didn't my plan work? (He shrugs.) It's probably for the better. No wait, no it isn't! Because now I might lose!
End of Confessionals
Back at Camp
(The campers are sleeping peacefully, when suddenly the faint sound of crappy pop music starts to float out of the intercom system. Slowly, it becomes louder and louder, until the music erupts into full volume, blasting Nicki Minaj's "Va Va Voom". The cabins rattle as the sound-waves from the stereo system fly through the air. In the Killer Redwoods Cabin, the beds are bouncing up and down. Tyler wakes up with a start, and freaks out.)
Tyler: It's the apocalypse! TAKE DJ, DON'T TAKE ME! (Before DJ can stop him, he grabs the brickhouse and hurls him out the window, then jumps out after him. Geoff is getting up, groaning.)
Geoff: My ears feel like they are being sexually assaulted right now… DUDES, I DON'T LIKE THE FEELING! (He freaks out, and jumps out the window after them. Meanwhile, Katie and Bridgette are stepping out of the cabin, half-asleep.)
Katie (her teeth clenched): Chris is about to find out how vasectomies work.
Bridgette: This couldn't possibly be Chris, could it? What kind of middle-aged man listens to sexually explicit female rappers for teenagers? (They both look each other, and then groan in unison.)
Katie and Bridgette (in tortured unison): Chris. (Meanwhile, over in the Screaming Ivy cabin, Cody and Trent both sprint out as fast as they can, crying for their mommies. Noah steps out after them, and shrugs.)
Noah: I kind of like it. (He starts wiggling his body just slightly to the groove.)
Confession Cam
Noah: Don't judge me.
End of Confessionals
(Courtney, Gwen, Izzy, and Lindsay have all now gathered outside the cabins. Gwen and Courtney quickly cover their ears, while Lindsay looks confused. Izzy beams.)
Izzy (yelling over the music): Man, I love this new Paul McCartney music! This is his best song yet!
Courtney: This isn't Paul McCartney! I don't know what the hell this is!
Gwen: It's "Nicki Minaj". (She groans.) I recognize it because this is my gay-ass brother's alarm clock music.
Lindsay: Like, I'm confused. (She points to Izzy.) So, if she's Paul McCartney… (She points to Gwen.)…and she's Nicki Minaj… (She points to herself.)…then who am I?
Courtney: An idiot. (All the campers are now out of the cabins, and standing in the clearing in the center. The music continues to play, and it seems to be getting louder.)
Geoff: Dudes, how long is this gonna go on?
DJ: I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! MOMMA! (He grabs Katie, and starts sobbing into her shoulder.)
Tyler: I'll save the day! (He grabs a basketball, and hurls it at Trent. It slams into the guitarist's head.)
Trent: Ow! What was that?!
Tyler: Sorry. I was trying to save the day. (The campers continue to writhe in agony as the music plays, until suddenly, the intercom shuts off. Tyler grins.)
Tyler: Hey look! It worked! I saved the day! (Suddenly, the sounds of horns trumpeting the Olympic theme fill the air.)
Bridgette: Oh god. Is that Chris, guys? (She points to the horizon, where the sun is slowly rising up. Silhouetted by the light is a man on a chariot, wearing a cloth wrapped around his body. Upon his head is a crown made of leaves. The chariot slowly moves forward, revealing that it is indeed Chris. He waves at the campers majestically, and they flip him off in response. Finally, the chariot stops, and the two interns pulling it bend over, panting and gasping for air.)
Chris: Welcome, my friends, to the Total Drama Olympics! The greatest of all games. Today, athletes will test their courage as they—
Gwen: Okay, before you go on some horrible monologue, can you please explain to us why the hell you just played that horrible music over the intercom?
Chris: Hey, I saw you getting into the groove, Gwen. Don't try to deny it. And since we are doing Olympic-themed challenges today, and today is Friday, I thought I'd sample you guys one of the select tracks from Nicki Minaj's new album, Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded—The Re-Up.
Noah: Okay, first of all, the Greeks did the original Olympics, not the Romans! How many times do we have to tell you that? And second, today is Tuesday, not Friday!
Chris: Close enough.
Noah: Actually, no, Chris. Tuesday is the farthest possible day you can get away from Friday.
Chris: Oh, whatev. Why don't we just make everyday Friday? Friday is such a fun day. Anyways, today, we're going back to the Olympics, as our final challenge before the merge! This will be the final fight between the two teams, so you should go all out. Plus, the real Olympics are going on as we speak!
DJ: The real Olympics happened four months ago!
Chris: Yeah… we were expecting this chapter to be out a little sooner than it ended up being. Anyways, about the Olympics. Since they were conceived in the 8th century BC, the Olympics have grown in scale to the point that nearly every nation is represented. Such growth has created numerous challenges, however, including boycotts, doping, bribery, and terrorism. All of which will be legal during today's challenges.
Katie: What if we all just choose to boycott this entire competition?
Chris: Then I will be very sad. Please don't make me sad. Anyways, with the expansion to all nations of the world, the Olympics have given unknown athletes and their families a chance to showcase their talents to the world. This includes the very athletic Mclean family, which has won a total of 17 medals since the early 1400s for Canada.
Courtney: Ha! Medals for what? Being an imbecile?
Chris: No, they're actually very esteemed medalists for synchronized swimming and figure skating! (He puts a hand to his heart.) And I plan to follow in their footsteps.
Trent: Chris, you are never going to be an Olympic athlete.
Chris: *Sigh*… You're probably right, Trenton. But I can dream. I CAN DREAM! Anyways, we're going to get started with the Wawanakwa Olympics 2012 right away.
Tyler: ALRIGHT! SPORTS! WHO'S PUMPED?! THIS YEAR, THE GOLD'S MINE!
Chris: Not so fast, Tyler. We're getting ahead of ourselves. First, as traditional with all Olympics, we must begin with the traditional Olympic torch relay. Commemorating the theft of fire from the Greek god Zeus by Prometheus, its origins lie in ancient Greece, where a fire was kept burning throughout the celebration of the ancient Olympics.
Cody: You copied that straight out of Wikipedia, didn't you?
Chris: Perhaps. So, as tradition, Chef Hatchet will be performing the torch relay. CHEF, BRING OUT THE TORCH! (In slow motion, Chef comes sprinting out of the forest, carrying a flaming torch high above his head. He is wearing nothing but a loin cloth, as his feet bound across the grass, in the direction of the giant cauldron over by the Mess Hall.)
Chris: Isn't he beautiful? Like a god on earth! (As Chef continues to run, his face contorts in determination. He runs past the campers, glances at them, and nods solemnly. He continues onward.)
Geoff: Dude, is he actually taking this seriously?
Chris (whispering to him): Chef thinks these are the actual Olympics. Don't tell him the truth. He'll be crushed. (Chef hears him, however, and turns back.)
Chef: WHAT?! (Right after he says this, he trips over a flower and lands on his face. He hurls the torch up into the air, and it lands beside him, the flame touching his loin cloth. Chef's clothing erupts into flame. Immediately, he starts rolling on the ground, trying to put it out.)
Chef: OW! HOT HOT HOT! (The flame spreads to his whole body, and now he is completely on fire. Chef runs around, screaming for help, before he collapses on the ground again, moaning in pain as the fire burns. Chris turns away, chuckling.)
Chris: I knew that would be entertaining. Anyways, with the Chef having been lit, it's time to start the games! First up, we have an event between two sorry outcasts you guys booted! Yes, it is time for the Redemption Cabin duel, between the strong and stoic Beth, and the spry and limber Alejandro. Only one may be the victor.
Lindsay: OMG, go BETH! Has she won yet?
Chris: The duel hasn't happened yet! Seriously, do you just live in some alternate universe where time doesn't exist? (He shakes his head.) Personally, I've got all my money placed on Alejandro. However, we'll see. (He grins evilly.) I'm sure he's going to love the challenge we have planned for him. Now, back during the ancient Olympics, nothing was a better motivation for an athlete than to see their loved one in the crowd, watching and cheering them on. Per tradition, Beth and Alejandro have each been asked to choose someone to be their loved one, and to come witness the duel. Their decisions are in this envelope. (He takes out an envelope with a heart on it, and opens it up.) First, Beth chooses Ezekiel, her pig-smooching soul mate.
Lindsay: WHAT? Why didn't she choose me?! We love each other! This is soooooo unfair.
Chris (shrugging): You can come and be my cheerleader, if you want, Lindsay.
Tyler: Hey man, that's my girlfriend! So she's my cheerleader! (He turns to Lindsay.) Cheer for me, Lindsay.
Lindsay: Um… yay?
Tyler: Ahh… I love it when you cheer for me.
Chris: Such an odd relationship. (He looks around.) Hmm… has anyone seen Ezekiel around? He's been mysteriously absent this whole t—(He is cut off as a dark shadow swoops down from the trees, and lands on him with a crunch. It is Ezekiel, except now he is wearing on his face a sock with two eye holes cut in it.)
Ezekiel: I have been here the whole time, eh.
Katie: Ezekiel, you're taking this spy thing too literall—
Ezekiel: Who is this Ezekiel you speak of? (He waves his gloved hands through the air mysteriously.) I am the spy of the night! I have no friends. I have no family. But I have many enemies. My job? To watch, analyze, and conclude. My goal? To save the world, eh. My hobbies? I really like Jenga. (He giggles.) What a fun game! (Meanwhile, Chris spits out dirt from underneath him.)
Chris: Oww… Get off of me!
Ezekiel: Very well. (He swoops away into the shadows. Chris gets up, fixes his toupee, and starts reading the envelope.)
Chris: So Beth has chosen Ezekiel as her loving spectator. And according to this, Alejandro has chosen… Noah? (Everyone snickers.)
Noah: Wait, seriously?! (Trent, trying to hold back laughter, comes up behind Noah and pats him on the back.)
Trent: Looks like Alejandro misses you, Noah. After all, you really had such a close relationship with one another.
Noah: Are you sure you're not reading it wrong, Chris?
Chris: Nope. He wrote Noah. And hey, if he wants you there, I'm not going to judge.
Noah: Do I have to go?
Gwen: Go, Noah. After all, you don't want to betray Alejandro like you betrayed us. (Noah groans.)
Noah: Whatever.
Chris: Alright! Noah, Ezekiel, take the path to the Redemption Cabin Arena.
Ezekiel: Let us travel into the night, then! (He swoops out of the darkness, and grabs Noah around the waist. Before the bookworm can protest, Ezekiel whips out a harpoon gun, and shoots it at a branch of a tree. The harpoon lodges in the bark.)
Ezekiel: Now, we FLY! (With Noah in one hand and the handle of the harpoon gun in the other, he kicks off from the ground, and swings forward, off into the night. However, the two of them slam right into a tree, and slide down the side of it, groaning.)
Confession Cam
Noah: Admittedly, I was a little worried about leaving my team at camp without me there. I just had a feeling that something was going on behind my back. And frankly, I really didn't feel that comfortable spending that much alone time with Ezekiel.
(Static)
(The confessional is empty. Suddenly, the door handle starts wiggling. It stops. It wiggles again for a few seconds, before stopping once more.)
Ezekiel (from outside the bathroom): It appears the spy of the night is locked out of his domain, the bathroom! Which is unfortunate, because he really needs to use the toilet of the night! But that is not an issue. He can get in with his magical spy powers! (There is a loud thud against the door.)
Ezekiel (from outside the bathroom): OW! *****************!
End of Confessionals
Chris: Now, for the rest of you athletes… you'll be competing in a wonderful reward challenge, hosted by Chef.
DJ: Um, does anyone even know if he's okay?
Chris: I dunno. (He doesn't notice Chef Hatchet standing behind him, scorched and black, snarling in anger.)
Chef: CHRIS! YOU SAID THIS WOULD BE THE REAL OLYMPICS! YOU LIED TO ME, YOU BASTARD!
Chris: How could you possibly think these were real Olympics, dude? Why would they ever host the Olympics on some obscure island in Canada?
Chef: I just thought you wouldn't lie to me. And then you made me trip on a flower and set myself on fire!
Chris: Well, if it's any consolation, you get to host the reward challenge while I'm gone doing the Redemption Cabin duel. So you can do whatever you want to the campers.
Chef (grinning): Whatever… I want?
Chris (winking): Whatever you want, baby. (Chef's eyes light up. Then he faces the campers.)
Chef: Okay, you maggots! Follow me! And be prepared to use your craftsmanship skills!
Trent: Are you kidding me? Why do we always have to do something gay with Chef while the Redemption Cabin duel is going on?
Chef: I'LL SHOW YOU GAY, YOU BRAT! (He picks up Trent, and punts him off into the distance like a football. Chef turns to face the rest of the campers.) Unless you guys want me to test how good my field goal percentage is, I'd suggest you MOVE! (Everyone quickly starts hurrying after him. Tyler leads the pack, whooping.)
Tyler: LET'S DO THIS, GUYS! FIGHT THROUGH ADVERSITY!
Confession Cam
Tyler: I gotta admit, I was pretty pumped for today's challenges. Last time we did Olympic stuff, I didn't get my chance to shine. I got beat up by Courtney, and defeated by Cody in a tiebreaker! But this time, I think I'm really going to show the world what my true talents are! (He holds up Gwen's diary.) It must be the new toilet paper I'm using.
Bridgette: I admit, I'm a little stressed out about having Olympic-themed challenges. Let's just say, I'm much better in water than I am on land. Does that make me some sort of messed up fish-human hybrid?
Trent: Today, I have many things I must focus on during the challenge. First, of course, I must find a way to show Noah's video to everyone before he returns from the duel. Second, I must help Cody in his ill-fated scheme to win over Katie. What else do I need to focus on? Hmm… (He thinks for a moment.) Oh yeah. The challenge.
End of Confessionals
Geoff: Dude, you okay? (Tyler is standing next to him, vibrating in excitement.) You look like you're having a seizure! (Tyler's eyelid twitches.)
Tyler: Sorry. I'm just really PUMPED! (As he says this, he punches outwards with his fist, knocking out Courtney. The campers have now gathered outside the Mess Hall, including Trent, who is rubbing his butt in pain. Suddenly, the door slams open, and Chef walks out, carrying a giant box filled with supplies. He sets it down on the ground, and then leans against it, breathing heavily. Tyler sees the supplies, and yells with vigor.)
Tyler: Alright! Time for the first challenge! (He runs over to the box, and before Chef can stop him, he grabs a painting kit, and hurls it at the wall of the Killer Redwoods Cabin. It shatters against the wood, coating it in different paint colors.)
Tyler: Alright! A great first throw! (He grabs more supplies and hurls them as far as he can. Some go flying into Lake Wawanakwa, some disappear into the forest, and others slam into the campers.)
Chef: STOP, YOU PSYCHOPATHIC JOCK! (Tyler has his arms full with more supplies.)
Tyler: …Huh?
Chef: The challenge isn't throwing shit all over the place! That's a challenge for preschoolers!
Tyler: Can I at least throw these—
Chef: NO! (Tyler mutters to himself, and puts the supplies back in the box.)
Tyler (muttering): Trying to deny a champion? Tyler's a champion. You'll all see.
Bridgette: We can all hear you.
Tyler: OH YEAH? WELL HEAR ME WELL! I'M GOING TO WIN THIS CHALLENGE, NO MATTER WHAT! COWABUNGA! (He runs off into the forest.)
Courtney: But what are all these supplies for?
Chef: Let me explain, prissy pants! First, a lesson about the Greeks. The ancient Greeks had many important aspects of their culture. The most important aspect was the Greek gods. Gods meant everything to the Greeks. They gave them food, water, and other necessary supplements to stay alive. But the gods were also monsters of incredible power. They could snap a ship in two, destroy crops for weeks, and make you lose your penis, just with a clap of their mighty hands!
Trent: No god in Greek mythology can make you lose your penis.
Chef: Oh? Then you must be forgetting Mandako, the penis god!
Trent: Doesn't exist.
Chef: See? This explains why you barely have one. You don't believe! Anyways, to prevent things like this from happening, the Greeks made sure to appease the gods. The gods liked to be worshipped. So the Greeks created shrines dedicated to the great spiritual beings, in hopes that the gods would bless their land with happiness and prosperity.
Izzy: So we're doing a sacrifice? I nominate Chef!
Trent: I agree. Let's sacrifice Chef.
Chef: Shut up! Nobody aint not sacrificin' nobody!
Gwen: Wow. A quadruple negative. I didn't know that was even possible.
Chef: So what if I wasn't blessed by the grammar god? We all got faults! So, today, for your reward challenge, you will be creating shrines, just like the Greeks. However, you will all be worshipping one god. That god… is me!
Katie: Ha! What are you the god of?
Chef: I am the god of everything, of course! (Courtney crosses her arms.)
Courtney: No. I refuse to do it. I will not make a shrine dedicated to a man who's probably increased my chance of getting cancer ten-fold through his cooking.
Chef: Not a good idea. You might want to remember that the best shrine gets an incredible reward beyond your wildest imagination.
Geoff: What even is the reward, dude?
Chef: That doesn't matter.
Bridgette: Then why should we compete, if we don't even know what we're competing for?
Chef: Because there's not only a reward for the best shrine. There's also a punishment for the worst one. The owner of the shrine that doesn't appease me well enough will be forced to spend the rest of the morning worshipping me one on one. Massaging me, bathing me, feeding me grapes, listening to all my problems…
Izzy: Are you serious? That sounds like the best punishment ever! I would love to do that!
Chef: And that's why, no matter what, you're not getting the punishment.
Trent: This has got to violate, like, sixteen different laws of child abuse.
Chef: Well, you violate sixteen different laws of ugly!
Lindsay: C'mon, guys! This could be fun! It's what you make of the experience!
Chef: Yeah! Listen to the girl that has no idea what's going on right now!
Gwen (groaning): Fine, we'll do it. But don't blame me when I puke all over my shrine once I'm done with it.
Chef: Hey, puke is good building material. Speaking of puke, you will have one hour to complete your shrine.
Courtney: Okay, why'd you say "Speaking of puke" before that last sentence of yours, when it had nothing to do with vomit of any kind? (Chef scowls.)
Chef: Now I know why Chris cries himself to sleep every night after each episode! It's because of you obnoxious campers throwing in your smartass comments every time the host tries to speak! Have you no respect? Have you no decency? Either way, you guys will learn to respect me. I am your god!
Gwen: God, are kidding me?
Chef: Hey, good! You're already addressing me properly! This is going better than I expected. Now, to help you figure out some ideas for shrines, each of you will get a list of all my passions and hobbies. (He tosses each of them a list. Bridgette unrolls hers, and it drops all the way down to her ankles.)
Bridgette: How are we supposed to read any of this? This is just incoherent scribbling!
Chef: Yeah, well I wasn't blessed by the god of literacy, either!
Izzy: Don't worry, guys. I know all about Chef's passions!
Chef: I don't even want to know what sick ideas of my passions you may have. (He nods at the campers.) I'll be back in an hour for the judging process, peasants! Now to go get me a sponge bath.
Izzy: Alright! Let's do this! I'm going to need three bottles of ketchup, ten vibrators, and a bag of Hello Kitty night lights. (She races off in the direction of Chris and Chef's trailer. Meanwhile, the rest of the campers walk over to the box of supplies, and look in.)
Courtney: This stuff is useless!
Lindsay: It's not useless! It's what you make of the stuff that counts. (She pulls out a sack of flour, and puts it on her head.) Look! Now I have a hat!
Tyler: Can't argue with that logic. (Meanwhile, DJ and Katie watch from off to the side.)
Katie (nudging DJ): We need to make sure that we're not the losers of this challenge. Do you have any ideas for a shrine?
DJ: Chef likes candy, right?
Katie: I don't think Chef likes candy, so much as he likes giving the candy to little girls and then stuffing them in his van.
DJ: Yeah, that Chef… he's such a generous guy, don't you think?
Katie: You need to stop standing up for Chef, DJ. I know he put you through that weird coming-of-age ceremony or whatever back in Total Drama Action, but he's dangerous to get too close to!
DJ: Well, I think candy's a great idea. (Tyler glares over at him.)
Tyler: Hey, man, you can't do candy! I'm doing candy!
DJ: How about we both do candy, Tyler?
Tyler: How about we fight each other to the death with these candy canes? Winner gets to use the idea.
DJ: I'm not dueling you with a candy cane, Tyler—(He is cut off as a candy cane slams into his head.)
Tyler: Pick up your weapon, warrior! Now, en garde! (Before DJ can stop him, the jock tackles him and starts beating him over the head with a candy cane, as DJ cries in pain. Katie watches this in disgust.)
Katie: I can't believe those two are the best athletes on my team.
Confession Cam
Katie: Chris has now confirmed that the merge is happening next episode. For maximum strength in numbers, I need to make sure we win today's immunity challenge, so that both the teams go into the merge six strong. If we go in with five members, and the other team goes in with seven members, they'll surely see the numbers, and choose to pick the Killer Redwoods off one by one. But the question is, how am I going to win when Tyler and DJ are shoving candy up each other's vaginas?
Tyler: Ow… (Shards of candy cane are sticking out of his face.) I'm still a boss.
End of Confessionals
Katie (muttering to herself): Pathetic. (She starts walking in the direction of the cabins, when Cody jogs up alongside her.)
Cody (breathing heavily): You know, this isn't even, like, hard for me. I could jog like this all day, you know.
Katie: Great. Go jog off a cliff. (Cody stops, and starts walking next to her.)
Cody: I understand how you feel, you know.
Katie: About what?
Cody: About this whole game, you know? Sometimes, things get tough, you know? What with all the drama, you know. I could help you, you know.
Katie: If you say "you know" at the end of your sentence one more time, I'm going to shoot you. (Cody isn't listening.)
Cody: I understand how intimidating some of these challenges must be for you. I know how hard it is for girls to move their arms and legs, and such.
Katie: I can still move them well enough to beat you to a bloody, mangled pulp!
Cody: Perhaps, but I think I can help you.
Katie: Oh, so what you're saying is that you can just beat yourself up and save me the trouble?
Cody: What I'm saying is that I can help you win this challenge. If you give me a chance. Will you give me a chance?
Katie: I've got too many other things to worry about besides your pathetic little crush. Go hit on Izzy, or something. You might get at least some form of action from her. Probably action that will leave you severely incapacitated, but action nonetheless. (She then walks off, leaving Cody standing there. Cody slaps his hand to his forehead.)
Cody (talking to himself): You seem too desperate, Cody! You need to make Katie feel like she's insignificant! That's what Trent said, right? Hmm, I wonder if that's actually the key to romance.
Trent: Well, it is. (Cody whips around to see Trent standing behind him in the shadows.)
Cody: How long have you been standing there? And why are you surrounded by shadows?
Trent: None of that matters. It's time for you to repay that favor, Cody.
Cody: But what about the challenge?
Trent: The challenge can wait. Let us head to the video room, shall we? (He ushers Cody away. Meanwhile, Bridgette is sorting through supplies, when she sees Katie walking past. Bridgette waves to her. Katie turns away, and keeps walking. Bridgette scowls, and looks over at Geoff, who is mixing a bowl of what appears to be really thick cereal.)
Bridgette: Um, what are you doing, Geoff?
Geoff: I'm making my building material, babe! I'm gonna make a statue of Chef made entirely out of cereal. After all, cereal is one of his passions.
Bridgette: No, Geoff, cereal is one of your passions. You have no idea if Chef likes cereal or not!
Geoff: Well, everyone loves cereal. (He dips his finger into his cereal cement, and tastes it.) Needs more cereal.
Bridgette: Oh, by the way, Geoff. I've been really impressed by how nice you've become. It's like you decided to turn a new leaf! (Geoff nods solemnly.)
Geoff: I have. It all began one day, when I looked in the mirror. I stared into my own eyes. And I saw a man I wasn't proud of, Bridge. A man who had bullied, betrayed, and just plain acted like condescending tool! So I aspired to be more than that sum of my parts. I finally understood what I wanted to be. I decided I would help those less fortunate than me, ones not blessed with rugged good looks and a goofy charm. I aspired to succeed! And in doing, so I felt… complete. (Bridgette is silent for a moment, before she speaks again.)
Bridgette: Wow… I don't think I've ever been more turned on in my life. (She puts her hand to his bare chest, and stares into his eyes.)
Geoff: Wait… are you saying we can make out? (Bridgette nods.) BOOYAH!
Bridgette: And now… I'm completely turned off again. Whatever. (She shrugs, and the two start making out. However, Bridgette pulls away after a few seconds.)
Bridgette: Geoff?
Geoff: Mmm? (His lips are still puckered in midair.)
Bridgette: One more thing: we need to vote off Katie if we lose today.
Geoff: Mmm… (He pulls her back into their make out session, pretending not to have heard.)
Confession Cam
Geoff: So, Bridgette finally makes out with me for the first time in like, forever. But then, just as we're getting started, she tells me we need to vote off Katie if this relationship can continue! Man, I don't know… I care about my relationship with Bridgette and all, but I also care about a million big ones! And personally, I think Katie's the one that can take me to the end. What do I care more about? My dedicated girlfriend of three years, or some money I'll probably blow a few days after the show's over? Man, when you're playing the strategy game, you come to so many hard decisions!
Bridgette: Yes, I'm going to say it now. Katie needs to go. I know she doesn't truly plan to stay with the alliance of four. In fact, I almost get the feeling she could be gunning for me. So here's what I need to do. I need to convince Geoff, DJ, and Ezekiel all to vote for Katie. I think I can swing Geoff. DJ's gonna be trickier. Katie is his "girlfriend", after all. I think Ezekiel's gonna be the toughest, mostly because he's unpredictable. You can literally think he's on board, and then he'll randomly go and vote for, oh, I don't know, Blaineley.
End of Confessionals
Redemption Arena
Chris: Welcome, Noah! (Noah has stepped through the ivy-covered entrance to the arena, and is looking around with a slightly amused facial expression. Chris beckons around them.) This is Redemption Arena. Observe the plush, leather seats! See the perfectly trimmed grass! Notice the extremely handsome host with muscular, taught gums standing before you! What do you have to say about all of this?
Noah: Meh.
Chris: "Meh"?! All you can say is "MEH"?! Observe the location! Perfect for viewing wonderful Wawanakwa sunsets! Feel the temperature! Breezy and refreshing, yet warm enough to wear something casual! Take a look at my outfit! Stylish, yet not so stylish that it comes across as chafing! C'mon, say something better about the place than "meh"!
Noah: Okay. Mehh.
Chris: How is that any different?
Noah: I added an extra "h".
Chris: Thank you. That's more like it. Sometimes, I feel like I never get any appreciation. (Noah climbs up into the stands, and sits down in one of the chairs.)
Noah: So, when I do I get to watch Alejandro and Beth tear each other limb from limb? I thought of wearing a poncho, just in case the blood splatter became too much.
Chris: Hey, good idea! Blood is soooo bad for my complexion. (He puts a poncho on over his toga. Noah is slightly disturbed that Chris isn't joking about this.)
Chris: Well, where's Ezekiel? Is he with you?
Noah: How should I know? The moment we entered the forest, he recited some monologue in a horribly-attempted Batman voice, punched me in the gut, and then ran off into the foliage. I haven't seen him since.
Chris: Ah, that Ezekiel. So horribly confused about his purpose in the world. Well, we'll have to get going without him. First, let's bring in our beautiful, border-hopping, bisexual bro, Alejandro Burromuerto! (Alejandro steps into the arena, scowling.)
Alejandro: When you announce my name, are you always going to throw in a racially insensitive alliteration while you're at it?
Chris: Probably.
Alejandro: And why are you wearing a poncho? Are you insulting my heritage, now? Well, I'll have you know that back in my hometown, my poncho was the most impressive of them all. It was the finest hue of red, and when I spread my arms, it appeared as if I had the wingspan of an eagle. But mi mama never liked my poncho… she only wanted to roncho with Jose's poncho!
Chris: Here: how about I stop being racially insensitive, if you stop going on long tangents about your brother? Deal?
Alejandro: Very well. It's a deal. (The two shake on it. Alejandro then turns and sees Noah in the stands.) Noah! You came! (He spreads his arms out wide.) Come on down here and give your amigo Alejandro a hug.
Noah: Um, no thanks.
Alejandro: Aw, but we have not seen each other in so long!
Noah: It's been three days, dude.
Chris: Oh, Noah, just give him a hug. One hug can't hurt.
Noah: But he's wearing a thong!
Alejandro: I can take it off, if you like.
Noah: No no! The thong is fine. (Slowly, he shifts out of his seat, and walks down towards the playing field. Finally, he gets there, and walks over to Alejandro. The two awkwardly reach out and hold each other in an embrace. Alejandro leans forward, and immediately starts whispering in Noah's ear.)
Alejandro: I'm glad you're here. Now you can tell me all the… news.
Noah: What do you mean?
Alejandro: I have a plan, Noah. I'm going to return to the game, that's inevitable. And when I do, I want to have a secure alliance with you.
Noah (shrugging): Fine with me. My whole team hates me, anyways.
Alejandro: *Gasp* Why? What have Trent and Courtney done?
Noah: It was nothing Courtney and Trent did. I was just stupid. I'm the reason Beth was voted off, in case you didn't know.
Alejandro: What? Really? Wow, I'm surprised. No wait. I get it!
Noah: You do?
Alejandro: Yes, I do. You voted off Beth because you already had an idea of our secret alliance, and you wanted to give me an easy opponent, as to further my chance of returning to the game!
Noah: Sure… let's go with that.
Alejandro: Okay, we have a plan. Let us stick with it, shall we?
Noah: Whatever. (Alejandro nods enthusiastically, and the two break apart. Chris coughs, loosening his collar.)
Chris: Well, putting aside that awkwardly long hug, let's welcome our challenger! Our favorite bumble-brained boy-girl, Beth! (Noah is just sitting back down in his seat, when Beth races into the stadium.)
Beth: Ezekiel! Where's Ezekiel? (She stops, and looks around.) Well, where is he? Is he hiding?
Alejandro: Beth, I regret to inform you of this, but… Ezekiel did not show up.
Beth: WHAT?! Aw, come on! (She beckons to Noah.) You get your mortal enemy from Season 3 to show up for you, but I can't even get my boyfriend to grow some balls and come see for a second time?
Alejandro: I'm sure Ezekiel has the balls, Beth, it's just…
Beth: Just what?
Alejandro: Perhaps his balls are not interested in you.
Beth: That's ridiculous! He was salivating over me like you, Alejandro, would with a plate of carnitas tacos!
Alejandro: God, is everyone going to racially stereotype me today?
Noah: Well, you make it pretty easy, dude. (Meanwhile, Beth is yelling out at the trees surrounding the stadium.)
Beth: Ezekiel, if you're out there watching us like a creep from the treetops, which you probably are, we're DONE!
Chris: Whew. Thank god. Such a pointless couple, that was. (Beth and Alejandro now face him, and he grins at them in anticipation.) Alright, Beth and Alejandro, are you ready for your duel? Remember, the winner gets to stay in Redemption Cabin, while the loser is out for good. Pretty high stakes, huh?
Beth: I've never been MORE ready! I can't WAIT to return to the game, so I can rip Ezekiel's scrotum clean off and stitch it to his face!
Chris: That's… disturbingly graphic. Well, at least you're determined. This should make for an interesting duel! Now, as you can see underneath my poncho, I'm wearing a toga. Compliment me on my toga.
Alejandro: What-
Chris: COMPLIMENT ME ON MY TOGA!
Alejandro: Um, your toga is exquisite, Chris.
Chris: Aw, why thank you.
Beth: Um, yeah. Your toga is exquisite. (Chris frowns.)
Chris: It's better when Alejandro says it. Now, I am wearing this toga because today is the Wawanakwa Olympics. As you can well remember from Total Drama World Tour, Alejandro, we had quite a nice time with our Olympics in that season. Hmm… I'm blanking on what happened again…
Alejandro (glancing around nervously): Oh, that does not matter.
Noah: Actually, I'm pretty sure I remember. Alejandro, with his hair up in a weird-ass ponytail, got completely owned by Heather in the hurdles!
Alejandro: I wouldn't talk, Noah! You were already eliminated by then!
Chris: But it's true, Alejandro. That must've been pretty humiliating for you, wasn't it?
Alejandro: Yes, but luckily, I will never have to experience the painful memories again.
Chris: Oh really? (He beckons to one of the exits heading out of the Redemption Cabin Arena, where a long line of hurdles is leading out into the forest.)
Alejandro: You have got to be kidding me.
Chris: Kid you I do not. You know, you should have an advantage in these challenges we've been picking for the duels, because after all, they're all challenges you've previously competed in.
Alejandro: But this is the one I completely failed in! (Beth places a hand on his shoulder.)
Beth: Don't worry, Alejandro. I'm sure you won't look a complete doofus this time.
Alejandro: No! I know I'm going to end up wiping out! It's sure to happen!
Chris: I don't know why you hate the hurdles so much. You'd think you'd be pretty good at hopping things.
Alejandro: Chris, I thought we said no more being racially insensitive!
Chris: Sorry. Slip of the tongue. Anyways, whether you like it or not, this challenge is going to happen! So, the two of you will be racing on a hurdle course all throughout the forest. You'll go in one big loop, and then enter the arena again. First person back is the winner, and lives to see another day. Loser becomes the second jury member, and is sent to the Playa de Losers. Now, let's head over to the starting line, and get started!
Noah: Yep, Chris, that's usually what starting lines are for.
Chris: Shut up.
Confession Cam
Alejandro: Ah, the hurdles. One of the three most humiliating moments during my time on Total Drama. Last time, I got distracted by Heather's foxy charm. Luckily, Beth has no charm whatsoever, so that shouldn't be a problem.
Beth: This is going to be so fun! I'm really good at jumping. Just another one of those random and pointless talents the writers gave me in Total Drama Action in a fruitless attempt to give me some form of character.
Noah: So, Alejandro already wants to make an alliance. I still don't trust the guy. But I certainly feel like I need a backup plan, in case Courtney and Trent have found some way to officially turn my teammates against me. And man, my team is pissed. Saying all this crap like I "betrayed" them or something, and that they thought they could "trust" me. You know, I really don't get why everyone seems to think I'm some sort of perfect human being and that I have no flaws whatsoever. It's probably because of all those stupid Gary Stu Noah fics floating around the internet. Well, news flash for you all: that's not me! I don't "have a heart"! I don't "fight for my team"! I don't grow three testicles, use them to win every challenge, and then make passionate love to Bridgette in an abandoned candlelit library, all the while popping out clever one-liners like a pez dispenser! (He thinks for a second.) Although admittedly, that'd be pretty damn awesome.
End of Confessionals
Back at Camp
Courtney: Okay, what is that, Gwen?
Gwen: What do you mean, "What is that"? I think it looks pretty obvious to me!
Courtney: I just don't think Chef is going to approve. (She beckons to Gwen's shrine, which is a clay sculpture of Chef being impaled by a wooden spear. Gwen is now applying red paint to the wound.)
Gwen: I actually think it is very representative of Chef. He's so deprived of emotion and purpose that the only way he can feel alive is through pain. That's why the only color I'm adding is red for the blood dripping from him, as his suffering is the only thing that can bring him to life.
Courtney (shrugging): Hey, being morbid worked for you during that Pilates workout. Maybe it will work for you again.
Gwen: Oh yeah, speaking of which, have you seen my journal anywhere? I think I might've left it in the bathroom one day, but it disappeared after that.
Courtney: Well, let's think. Who was talking about how much he hated your pictures?
Gwen: I doubt Noah would—
Courtney: That's what you think, Gwen! But I wouldn't be surprised if Noah stole your journal, published your most secret entry online, and then burned it to ashes!
Gwen: Okay, Noah made a mistake. But he's not a psychopath!
Courtney: No, he's not a psychopath. He's even more dangerous. He's cold and calculating. And come the merge, I have no doubt that if we haven't gotten rid of him by then, he'll be the end of all of us!
Gwen: So what are you suggesting?
Courtney: You need to help us vote off Noah, Gwen. Join up with me and Trent, just for this one vote.
Gwen: HA! (She bursts out laughing.)
Courtney: What?
Gwen (wiping a tear away from her eye): Okay, I may be angry at Noah, but I'm not going to go that low.
Courtney: Well, at least consider it. It's the least you could do.
Gwen: Okay. I'll consider it like I'd consider stabbing myself.
Courtney: Hmm… Well, that's the best assurance I guess I can get from a Goth person.
Gwen: Hardy har har. (Suddenly, she is hit in the head by a crumpled ball of paper.) Ow! (She looks up, and sees Trent ducking back behind the cabin.) I saw you, Trent!
Trent: No you didn't!
Gwen: Yes I did!
Trent: Just read the note, will you? (He sprints off. Gwen rolls her eyes, and bends over to pick the paper off the ground. She slowly opens it up.)
Courtney: What does it say?
Gwen: "Screaming Ivy Team: Come to the video room to learn the truth." (She crumples it back up.) That's nice. And by "nice", I mean "a useless and obscure message from a horrible person". (She tosses it in the trash.)
Courtney: Why'd you just do that?! That's an important note! We need to learn the truth!
Gwen: "Learn the truth"?! Learn the truth of what? (Izzy walks up next to them, covered in ranch dressing.)
Izzy: Perhaps Trent will show us his third testicle. (Gwen turns around in surprise.)
Gwen: Okay, were you listening to us this whole time? And what are you drenched in?
Izzy: Salad dressing!
Gwen: Why?
Izzy: You'll see. It's all part of my shrine. (She chuckles.) I hope Chef can swim.
Courtney: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.
Izzy: Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go to that video room! (She races off, grabbing Lindsay along the way. Courtney turns to Gwen.)
Courtney: Well, let's go, then.
Gwen: But what about the challenge?
Courtney: Oh, come on. Nobody's taking this seriously.
Gwen: Well, what about him? (She points to Tyler, who is crouched on the dock. He is covered in bruises and scratches, as he jams candy cane after candy cane into what appears to be a huge ball of taffy, a maniacal look in his eyes.)
Tyler (mumbling to himself): DJ tried to stop you, Tyler… but he was no match for your dueling skills… now, you will achieve perfection… in the form of candy… MY PERFECT CANDY CREATION! MUAHAHAHAHAHA! (He raises a candy cane up to the sky, and a bolt of lightning strikes it.)
Gwen (watching as Tyler cackles madly): Okay… I see your point.
Courtney: C'mon, Gwen! Don't you want to learn the truth?
Gwen: I admit, I am intrigued. Fine, we'll go see what Trent wants to show us. But let me just add the finishing touch to my masterpiece. (Taking her finger, she draws an "L" into Chef's clay forehead.)
Courtney: Much better.
Confession Cam
Izzy: I'm so excited! I wonder what we're getting to watch. A comedy, a horror film, perhaps a sex tape? Or maybe Trent is actually planning to kill us all, and he needs a secluded location to do it. Good choice, Trent. The video room is on the outer edge of camp… far away from Chris and Chef's trailer… plus, the walls are soundproof, so nobody would hear our screams… you know, I might use that sometime! That's a pretty stable murder spot you've got right there.
Courtney: Okay, even I don't know what Trent has planned. All I'm praying for is that he doesn't make a complete jackass of himself, like usual.
Gwen: Okay, Trent. Let's see what all the constant foreshadowing has been about.
Trent: Well, it's all in place. And it seems like the confessionals above me are pretty excited. The projector has been set up, and the ladies have been informed… now just to show them the video. Maybe I should give them popcorn in the shape of Noah's head to munch while they watch. I think it would really enhance the experience.
End of Confessionals
Outside of Chris and Chef's Trailer
Ezekiel: The spy of the night creeps along, weary of his surroundings! One false move, and it could all be over for him. (Ezekiel is inching his way along the outside of the trailer, still wearing his spy mask. His eyes dart around nervously.) At any moment, he could be ambushed. (Suddenly, he hears the sound of singing wafting out of the window above him.)
Ezekiel: What is that hellish noise, eh? (He gets up on his tiptoes, and peers in through the window. Through a cloud of steam, he sees the outline of Chef in the bathtub. The cook is bellowing gospel music at the top of his longs, and singing into his sponge like a mic. Ezekiel ducks back down, shuddering.) The spy of the night will try to erase that image from his mind. It is unlikely he will be able to. (After regaining his composure, he continues to creep along, until he makes it to the back of the trailer. Growing behind in the back is a huge flower garden, with flowers ranging from blooming red roses to vibrant sunflowers. A sign in front of it reads "Chris and Chef's Garden of Love". Ezekiel tentatively walks over to the edge of where the garden begins.)
Ezekiel: And what might this be, eh? At first glance, it appears to be a systematically placed row of plant beds with a slightly homosexual title. But the spy of the night will proceed with caution. (He tiptoes past the sign, and enters the garden. As he walks, he glances to each side, watching the flowers with paranoia.)
Ezekiel: The spy of the night cannot help but get the feeling that he is being watched. But all appears to be normal… EXCEPT FOR YOU, THAT IS! (He whips around, and grabs a flower by its stem. He throttles it, rage in his eyes.)
Ezekiel: TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW, YOU MISERABLE, PATHETIC CLUSTERF*** OF PETALS! (The flower is silent.) So, you refuse to speak? Well, let me show you just how serious I am, eh! (He reaches out with his index finger and thumb, and plucks one of the petals off of the flower.) How does that feel?! Painful, right? Well, pain is no issue for me. I will continue to pluck, and pluck, until you have no more petals left! Surely a handsome flower like yourself wouldn't want to have all his big, thick petals removed, eh! He'd never get to spread his seed anywhere after that! So, you're going to tell me. WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?! (The flower continues to be silent.) WHO?! (Ezekiel strangles the flower, shaking it from side to side. Once he lets go, the flower droops off to the side, in the direction of deeper into the garden. Ezekiel looks that way. His eyes narrow.)
Ezekiel: Hmm. (He turns back to the flower.) You get off easy this time, eh. But remember me. When your flower friends come to ask you what happened, you simply tell them my name. But who am I? Why, I am terror itself, eh. I am the master of all horrors. I AM THE NIGHT OF THE SPY! Oh wait. Oops. (He bursts out laughing.) Ha! I said "the night of the spy", when I meant to say "the spy of the night"! Ha, that's a riot! (Chuckling, he walks onwards. As he treks deeper and deeper, he snaps back to focus.)
Ezekiel: The spy of the night can waste no more time, eh. (The greenery is now becoming much thicker, and Ezekiel has to squeeze his way past the plants. Finally, the flowers break, and there is a clearing. Ezekiel continues to move onward, seeing something in the distance. When he gets there, he slows down and stops. The homeschool stares forward in shock at what sits before him.)
Ezekiel: What… what is this? (He gets down on his knees, and yells at the heavens.) WHAT IS THHIIIIIIISSSS?!
Video Room
Trent: Welcome, ladies. I'm glad you came. (He stands at the front of the room, with a giant screen sitting behind him. Sitting in chairs before him are Gwen, Lindsay, Izzy, and Courtney. Cody stands off to the side, fiddling with controls.)
Gwen: Let's just get this over with.
Trent: Now now, we mustn't rush. First, let's dim the lights, Cody. (Cody dims the lights.) No, too much! (Cody brightens the room a little bit.) Too little! (Cody dims the lights.) Too much!
Courtney: Okay, Trent, I'm not trying to insult you or anything, but why do you care so much about the freaking lighting?
Trent: The lighting completely affects the atmosphere of the moment! The darker the lighting is, the more it gives off an aura of edgy, fierce sexuality. The brighter the room is, the more intimate the moment is made. For this lighting, I must find the perfect mix of both risqué and innocent, to fully enhance the experience.
Gwen: Wow, I've never seen someone go to these lengths just to announce they're coming out of the closet.
Trent (sarcastically): Haha. You're so funny, Gwen. I'll have you know that I don't even have a closet in my bedroom! I have a dresser!
Lindsay: What is this closet we're talking about? OMG, is it a walk-in closet? I LOVE those!
Trent: Please be quiet, Lindsay. In fact, do not speak again until this is over. Thank you. (Meanwhile, Cody has finished with the lighting.)
Cody: Is this good? (Trent gasps.)
Trent: It's PERFECT! The hue is just how I imagined it. So vibrant, yet so… mysterious. It gives off a vibe of elegancy and sophistication, yet playfulness, and childlike naivety. This lighting is simply to die for. (He claps his hands in delight.)
Gwen: Yeah… are you sure you're not coming out of the closet? (Trent scowls.)
Trent: Let me explain to you, Gwen. There is a reason for this lighting. You see, today we're going to be doing a study of a man we all know well. But do we really know this man that well? That is what this lighting expresses. We naively assume this man is all we've observed of him, when, hidden deep beneath his surface, there are secrets of great power and evil.
Izzy: I knew it! I knew it was going to be a video of Michael Jackson!
Trent: What is with you and Michael Jackson, for god's sakes? And no, this is not a video of Michael Jackson. It's a video of Noah. (He pauses.) Cody, that's where you do the "dun dun dun" music!
Cody: Oops. (He presses a button, and dramatic music fills the room.)
Gwen: Okay, so what about Noah?
Trent: Well, let's see. What do we know about Noah? From the outside, he appears to be just a clever, quirky guy. With a great sense of humor too boot. I admit, some of his one-liners made me chuckle.
Izzy: Actually, I'm pretty sure they made you burst into tears and run off the Dock of Shame in a ball of sobbing and public humiliation!
Trent: True. And did you see Noah afterwards? No remorse whatsoever. Even when I could have drowned because of his hurtful words. (A single tear rolls down his face. He wipes it away before he continues.) Now, I know how popular those Gary Stu Noah fics have become on FanFiction. I read one recently that had quite the graphic scene between him and Bridgette in a candlelit library. A good read, but highly inaccurate. For one, Noah could never pleasure a girl in the way that he does in that fic. Secondly, he is portrayed as a generous, loving bookworm with a heart of gold. Um, last time I checked, Noah was nothing but a selfish, condescending geek!
Izzy: Um, I'd actually beg to differ. Noah definitely can pleasure a girl that way. (She stares off dreamily.)
Trent: Yeah, well you get pleasure from beheading people, so I don't think your opinion counts.
Courtney: Okay, so what does this all have to do with Noah?
Trent: Now you will see. Prepare yourselves, my friends, to see the truth. Hold onto the edge of your seats, because you're in for a ride. It's time for everything to change. (He presses a button on his remote, and the TV turns on.)
How will Noah's teammates react when they learn the truth about his body cast?
What has Ezekiel the spy discovered growing in Chris and Chef's garden?
Why does Ezekiel think he is a spy, anyways?
Who will win the Redemption Cabin duel?
Who will Chef choose as the winner of his reward challenge? What about the sorry loser?
Will Tyler regain his glory? Okay, that's just a stupid question.
And what events will the campers partake in during our exciting Olympics episode?
See all that and more right here on the next shocking chapter of
Total Drama Returns!
NEXT TIME: One camper's discovery of a secret about Chef leads him into a world of crime and violence he never could have anticipated. Meanwhile, the Olympics wear on, with one team, once again, attempting to throw the challenge. When the hell will they stop trying to throw challenges, for god's sakes?