Now that Dean had woken up a few times, he was becoming more and more alert and staying awake for longer periods of time. He was also becoming more coherent to the point where he could actually hold conversations with Sam, Bobby, and Cas. These conversations, weren't particularly long, but with every conversation, Sam and Bobby became more and more optimistic that Dean would eventually be released from the hospital. Dr. Carroll was also more optimistic, although he was confused as to why Dean was doing so well. Sam and Bobby theorized that Dr. Carroll assumed that Dean's soulmate had passed away. That would have been the only explanation since, as far as Dr. Carroll knew, Dean's soulmate never came to be with him.
Currently, Dean was awake after sleeping for nearly another eight hours. Now that he had actually been able to hold conversations, he was itching to have a conversation with Cas. Well, he had had conversations with Cas, but he wanted one where it was just Cas. No Sam and no Bobby. Just Cas. But getting Sam out of the room would be a very, very difficult task. He had been hovering ever since he first woke up in the hospital and Dean was sure that Sam had been there long before he woke up.
The biggest problem was that Dean still didn't entirely know what had happened. He had asked both Sam and Bobby, but they both beat around the bush instead of giving him a straight answer. All they had told him was that he and Cas had been apart for several days because of two archangels. Dean had asked them to elaborate on it and give him something more, but neither of them seemed too keen on going into more details. Instead, they just continued to tell him that everything was taken care of and that he didn't have to worry about anything, which was an answer that just wasn't sitting well with him. He wanted, no needed, to know what had happened. Getting Cas alone was the only way that that was going to happen.
So finally, Dean asked Sam and Bobby for a few minutes with Cas. Both seemed hesitant to let Dean out of their sight, but eventually agreed. Sam and Bobby left the room, Dean remained in his hospital bed and Cas stayed seated in the same chair that he had been in since he first arrived at the hospital.
Dean and Cas sat in an awkward silence for a minute. Cas didn't know why Dean wanted to be alone with him and Dean was still figuring out a way to ask Cas about what he wanted to know.
"Uh, Dean?" Cas finally asked. "Why did you want Sam and Bobby to leave?"
"Um," Dean said. "Well, they won't tell me. I want to know what happened."
"Sam and Bobby told you. I was there when they explained it," Cas responded.
"No. They gave me the watered down version. I want to know what really happened and I know that you know, so you better tell me."
Cas sighed. "Michael and Raphael are my brothers."
"Wait—what? Your brothers did this?"
"Yes. Since my Father left, Michael has assumed leadership in heaven. There were things that we were doing that he didn't like, so he ordered the changes."
"And I'm guessing that one of the things he didn't like was you and me?"
"Essentially. Michael absolutely hated the idea of any angel being involved with a human, so he took it upon himself to put a stop to it. He had Raphael's help of course, as well as some of the more loyal angels."
"So what? He took us both and kept us apart."
"Yes. I don't know what you remember, Dean."
Dean was silent for a short moment. "Nothing," Dean responded, hesitantly. He had been going through his brain, any time he was awake, but he had no memory of what happened, no matter how much he tried to remember. Admitting was even worse because it was almost as if he was accepting defeat, something that definitely did not come easy for Dean. Maybe it had to do with the values his Dad had instilled in him. Sure, they definitely weren't the worst values to instill in a child, but they were the values that were instilled in Dean. Family is everything, always hide your emotions, protect Sammy. The list went on and on.
"It's ok if you don't remember anything," Cas said comfortingly.
"But I feel like I should. I mean it was bad enough to land me here and I can't remember a damn thing!"
Cas didn't know what to say. He didn't necessarily understand Dean's frustration, but he still wanted to be able to do something. "It's ok to not remember," Cas said gently. Maybe if he said it enough the message would actually sink in.
"Keep saying that all you want," Dean snapped. "But you aren't the one who has been laying in a hospital bed for the last how many days because of something you can't even remember! Do you have any idea how that feels?"
"No," Cas said honestly. "I don't know how it feels, but I have been sitting in this room for almost as long as you have been in it. I haven't left your side. I sat here not knowing if you were going to be ok or if what my brothers did was going to cause some kind of lasting damage to you. I may not have been in that bed and I may be able to remember everything, but I still didn't know what was going to happen. I tried to fix you, but I couldn't. Even Gabriel tried to fix you."
"Who's Gabriel?"
"One of my brothers. He found Sam and took him to heaven to help rescue you," Cas explained.
"So at least not all of your brothers are dicks?"
"I suppose, but that's not the point, Dean. Gabriel and I both tried to heal you but we couldn't. It terrified me. I was more scared than I have ever been," Cas admitted.
"But I'm ok now," Dean tried to reason and make Cas feel better. Dean knew that it wasn't Cas's fault, but Cas was clearly upset that he wasn't able to heal Dean.
"Yes, but we didn't know if you were going to be ok. We just had to sit here and wait. It was hard on all of us. Bobby and Sam, Sam especially, had troubles with the news," Cas explained.
"What did he do?" Dean asked, unsure if he really wanted to know the answer to that question.
"He yelled at Bobby a lot. I don't even know if he knows that I did hear every word. I didn't say much, but I still heard everything. Bobby would usually be able to calm Sam down."
"But Sam still yelled at Bobby?"
"Yes, he yelled a lot. Usually because your doctor didn't know what was happening and Sam got angry. I think he believed that your doctor should have answers and he didn't. The waiting was hard on all of us, but I think it really took its toll on Sam."
"The kid's been through a lot," Dean commented.
"And so have you."
Dean remained silent. He didn't like to think about the things that he had been through. Everyone, especially people like Sam and Bobby, told him that he was so strong for doing everything he did, but that wasn't true. He just did what he had to do. Anyone in his position would have done the same. He did what he had to do to survive. Sometimes that meant hand to hand combat and fights with guns, other times it meant writing some fake name on his wrist with a Sharpie, and other times it meant comforting Sammy and trying to hold his family together. The list went on and on, but Dean forced those thoughts from his head. It didn't matter. He was nothing special and he wished that people would stop trying to convince him otherwise. He knew the truth. If only other people would accept it too.
"Dean?" Cas prompted, after a moment.
"Yeah," he responded. "It's not like I can go anywhere."
"Why would you go somewhere?" Cas asked, confusion written all over his face.
Dean let out a weak chuckle. "Don't worry about it."
Cas, unsure of how to respond, remained silent. Dean, on the other hand, didn't feel much like talking. He was buried too deep in his own thoughts.
"How you doing?" Bobby asked when he walked into the room a short time later.
"I'm fine, Bobby," Dean said, although he was pretty sure that Bobby was able to see through it.
Bobby looked skeptical, but decided not to press the matter, something Dean was incredibly thankful for. He wasn't quite sure he was ready to talk quite yet.
After his conversation with Cas, Dean wasn't sure how he felt. Sam, Bobby, and Cas had all told him how lucky he was to be alive. But after hearing about everything that everyone else went through because of him, Dean wasn't so sure. Feelings of guilt filled his mind. If it wasn't for him, Cas wouldn't have been taken and nearly killed and Sam and Bobby wouldn't have had to spend those days looking food him and worrying about him.
The two men and angel sat in an uncomfortable silence for some time, since no one really knew what to say.
Dr. Carroll had stopped by again to check on Dean's progress. He was incredibly pleased with the results and seemed to be more optimistic with each passing day that Dean would make a full recovery. Bobby and Cas seemed to take this to mean good news, but Dean remained very quiet through the whole thing, still unsure of how he should be feeling.
After Dr. Carroll left, Bobby sent Cas away, telling him to go find Sam. Cas looked at Bobby strangely. "You can find Sam," Cas said to Bobby. "I'll stay with Dean."
"You've been here this whole time," Bobby reasoned. "Take a break and stretch your legs. I can watch Dean."
"I don't need anyone to watch me," Dean snapped.
"Maybe not, but sitting here by yourself ain't that much fun."
"Bobby, I can stay here."
"I'll make sure nothing happens to him. Take a break, find Sam, do something," Bobby insisted.
Cas still looked skeptical, but Bobby kept insisting until Cas finally agreed (with a promise from Dean that he would be ok) to take a short break.
"So," Bobby said, when Cas finally left the room. "You wanna tell me what's going on?"
"Nothing's going on."
"Oh right. You've just decided to go all quiet after talking with Cas by yourself."
Dean glared at Bobby. "There's nothing going on."
"That's a load of crap and you know it. So, let's try this again. What's going on in that thick skull of yours?"
Dean remained silent and turned his head away from Bobby. He still wasn't sure how he felt about everything, but he knew that he definitely didn't want to talk about it.
"I'm guessing Cas told you all of the details about when you were gone," Bobby suggested.
Dean's silence was all the confirmation that Bobby needed to know that was what happened.
"And now, you're feeling like all this is your fault."
"Well it is," Dean snapped firmly. "If it wasn't for me, Cas would have never been taken. You and Sam wouldn't have had to worry and spend all this time sitting over my death bed. How is any of this not my fault?!"
"Boy, that couldn't be further from the truth."
"Oh yeah? Explain it to me then."
"You're right," Bobby said calmly. "We didn't enjoy sitting here for a week and not knowing what was going to happen. But we did it because that's what family does. You get through all this hard stuff together. You wanna sit there and wallow in self pity? Go for it. No one's stopping you. But just know that no one blames you for what happened."
"I would," Dean mumbled.
"Boy, you need to get it through that thick skull of yours that you can't be responsible for everything that goes wrong. Sam and I were worried, but that's because we care about you. If it was Sam, you would have sat here at his bedside worrying about him too. He cares about you just as much as you care about him. And Cas? He knows his brothers are a bunch of jackasses. It has nothing to do with you."
"Whatever you say, Bobby," Dean replied dryly. Bobby, Sam, and Cas could believe what they wanted, but that didn't mean that Dean couldn't see things for what they really were. It was his fault that all of this happened. If he had just been born with a name, like a normal person, everything would be just fine.
A/N: I'm sorry this took so long. The last section was one of the hardest parts of this story to write and double majoring in college while trying to actively write FanFiction just doesn't work well.
Anyway, thank you for your patience, support, and reviews. There's only two more updates and then we're at the end. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and will leave a review telling me what you think. Thanks again for reading!