Chapter 36: The White Chrysanthemum
(In which the Princess almost gives up but doesn't, because good heroines don't do that)

Note: I changed the style of the story's format a bit and titled the chapters. I like it, I hope you do, too. :)

I remember…when I was much younger, standing in the throne room next to my father's chair, listening to the Physician talk about mother's condition. He used the longest words I'd ever heard, and spoke them with a strange emphasis. I was fascinated by the way he talked and wished that I could understand.

Then, my father began to cry and I understood. I understood so suddenly and terribly, that I had to sit. And, since I had no chair to sit on, I sat on the floor. The Physician said other things I didn't understand, but I recognized the word "sorry".

At that moment, I felt like I was in a dream; my father weeping openly on his throne and a maid patting my back sympathetically. I kept hoping that it was, and that I would someday wake up from it.

I guess that's why the pain didn't hit me right away. I felt like a zombie, floating from room to room, looking for my mother as if we were merely playing a game of hide and seek. No matter the mourning I saw around me, I couldn't accept that my mother was gone. That is…until the funeral.

The priest stood in the center of the garden and swathed my mother's cold body in silk and flowers, a fitting farewell to the beautiful Lady Yamanaka. Sasuke was there. He caught my eye from across the crowd and nodded once. And, it was like I had been given permission to grieve, and like that was what I had been waiting for all along.

The pain I felt then, the pain I felt when my father was supposedly dead, wasn't like the pain I felt now. That pain had been a slow burning, ever present sort, building up and sometimes catching spark in a memory. This pain...this pain was different. It was like a paper fire, swift and dramatic; the flame consuming the entire sheet within seconds before burning itself out.

But, the pain didn't seem likely to burn itself out, instead, feeding on lingering feelings of guilt and self-hatred. It didn't seem likely to ever go away. Matsuri hitting Tero. Her expression as the ground broke away. Suigetsu slowing to a stop, confirming my worst fears. Why did it hurt so much?

Then: physical pain.

"Stand up," Haya hissed, yanking me to my feet by the hair. She walked back towards where we had left Tero and Sakura, half-dragging me behind her. Several of the rug burns reminded me of their presence and for a short while I was distracted from the muddle of feelings overwhelming me.

Back in the original clearing, Sakura had Tero propped up against a tree and was wrapping his head. He was unconscious. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered. Soon, Suigetsu would cut my throat and the pain and guilt would be gone.

I opened my mouth to ask Suigetsu to end it, when I realized that – if I died now – my father would be alone. I pressed my mouth in a firm line, afraid that I would accidentally beg for the easy way out.

"Can't you wake him up?" Haya asked, shoving me away from her. I tripped on a tree root and fell on my face in the mud. Aside from turning my head so I could see and breathe better, I didn't move, hoping they would forget I was there.

"I'm not a miracle worker, Haya. Things like this take time," Sakura said. "Besides, I don't have any of my supplies with me."

"Fine," Haya rubbed her temples and let out a frustrated sigh. "Fine. We don't need Tero anyway. Suigetsu can take care of the other girl, too."

"What do you mean 'too'?" Suigetsu said, examining his thumbnail. "The other girl fell off a cliff. I didn't kill her."

"Matsuri fell off a cliff?" Sakura asked, half rising from where she squatted next to the injured man.

"Yes," Haya said impatiently. "Now, let's not split hairs. We need to finish the job."

She peeled me out of the mud so that I was kneeling in front of her. I stared at her feet. They were large for a girl. I wish I was back in the castle observing that, where I could laugh. Actually, why couldn't I laugh? Laughing right now would set Haya off.

So I did. I laughed.

"Is she crazy?" Sakura asked.

Haya held her hand up, ready to swing it, but hesitated and then dropped it again.

"No," she said. "No, I don't think I will indulge you. You like to frustrate and annoy me. For some reason, you still think you have the upper hand."

She leaned over, her breath hitting my cheek with her words, "Let me remind you: Matsuri's dead. Gaara has long returned to his castle, as Sasuke has by now. Naruto and your father are searching in all the wrong places. You have no hope."

"Lord," I said.

"What did you say?" Haya snapped, narrowing her eyes at me.

"I said Lord. Lord Gaara. Lord Sasuke. Lord Naruto. Lord Inoichi. You have no right to drop their titles."

"I have every right in the world."

"No."

"Enough of this," Haya stomped her foot. She straightened and turned to face Suigetsu. "You. Kill her already."

"No way. I'm not going to do your dirty work. Being here is more than enough leverage over me for you to have," Suigetsu said, picking at a hangnail on the same thumb he'd been staring at the whole time. His ability to seem so unconcerned, even with Haya glaring daggers at him, was admirable. I tried to mirror it. "If you want her dead, do it yourself."

"Since Tero can't and you won't, I guess I will have to," Haya said. She held her hands up in the fading light, "These hands have done many things. They've hauled water, cleaned privy pots, massaged Lady Hinata's back, skinned rabbits…all because of you. And, because of you, they will murder."

"Not because of me. Because of Karin," I said.

The tensing in her shoulders was the only sign that she heard me. She took Tero's sword and ran her finger along the flat of the blade, "Do you have any last words?"

"Yes," I said. Turning to each of them I said, "Sakura, your pink hair is suiting, because your long nose puts me in mind of those squawking flamingoes. You're a horrible friend. Suigetsu, you remind me of an old hunt dog, gladly obeying your owner unless the order involves too much work. I don't like you much. And, Haya. You are a weak-handed, fit-throwing, big-footed brat. Kill me if you dare."

Haya growled and lashed out with the sword. I half expected someone to pop out of nowhere and save me before the blow struck. But, no one appeared, and Tero's sword sliced into my cheek. I bit my lower lip to keep from whimpering and placed a hand over the throbbing wound.

"I'm tired of you provoking me!" Haya shouted.

The cut stung viciously, and I realized that I was crying and the salt in my tears was angering the injury further. I sniffled and leaned back to reach the closest branch sticking out from the bush behind me.

Haya laughed, dragging my focus back to her. "Oh, did that hurt?" she asked, swinging the sword in a small, careless circle. I managed to hook the rope on the branch. "This is fun. I wonder what I should cut next? Maybe I should cut your tongue out next. No. I don't think I'll do that yet. I'll build up to it. I'll do this first."

She leapt forward and raked the sword down my arm. My lip was bleeding from effort not to show pain. I pulled down with my wrists and struggled to slip a hand from the binding in the space created.

"You're so proud," Haya taunted, turning the sword to form an 'x' on my arm.

"Stop it," Sakura said.

"Shut up, Sakura! Quit being so uncooperative! If you want Sasuke, you'll have to fight for him," Haya shouted. She turned to berate Sakura and I, seeing my chance, struggled harder. My skin felt ready to rip from my muscles, but I managed to slide one hand out.

Grinning triumphantly despite the pain of the bleeding cut on my cheek and my swelling lip, I dumped the rope on the ground and sprang at Haya. I wrenched the sword from her surprised grip and pointed it at her. She froze, her arms pressed rigidly to her sides.

"I know how to use this," I said, hefting the sword in my hand. "Do as I say and I won't harm you."

"Fat chance," Haya spat.

"Don't speak! And, don't move," I commanded, stepping closer and giving her a small scratch on the top of her nose. She scrunched her face, but didn't move otherwise. Sure that I had her obedience, I pulled her closer and held the sword to her throat.

"Sakura, come here and tie her…" I paused, peering into the forest surrounding. Nothing moved outside the clearing. I must be seeing things, because for I moment I thought I had seen a flash of red. Like I had taken advantage of Haya's distraction, she had taken advantage of mine, biting down on my hand and dancing out of my range.

I still had the sword. But, Suigetsu had one, too. Haya stepped behind him and glared over his shoulder. I braced myself, ready for his attack. He didn't move, now examining his other fingers for hangnails.

"I hate hangnails, don't you?" Suigetsu asked, ignoring Haya's growl. "They're small, but cause a great deal of annoyance and pain."

"Uhm, I suppose they are," I said, the earlier feelings of admiration for his indifference now grating on my nerves. I rose my sword higher, and asked, "Well, are you planning on attacking me or not?"

"I already said I wasn't going to do her dirty work," he said with a shrug and stepping away from Haya. "And, I wouldn't want to attack you in front of Sasuke and Gaara."

Haya's eyes went wide with fright as the two said men stepped out from the tree line. I felt faint with relief and shock. No, I really felt faint. I put a steadying hand against the nearest tree.

"She's weak from blood loss and hunger," Sakura said. She took a small step, suspended between the urge to help and the fear of what might happen if she moved. Sasuke turned to look at her, an anger on his face that made her shrink back beside Tero.

Gaara nodded to Sasuke and helped me sit down. I gripped his arm tightly, giving it a shake, and said, "Matsuri. Matsuri."

"Is she here?" Gaara asked, glancing around the clearing to see if he had missed her.

"You two took forever showing up," Suigetsu asked. He had Haya with her arm wrenched behind her back, catching her by the arm as she tried to slip away. He gestured to the path Matsuri had taken earlier with a jerk of his head, "It's a long story, but she ran that way and…well, you got here too late to help her."

"What happened?" Gaara said, his body tensing up. I remembered that his family had known Matsuri longer than I had.

"She was running along the side of the cliff and it broke away. She's gone," Suigetsu said, having the decency to look remorseful.

"You forgot to mention that you were chasing her when she fell. Why are you suddenly acting like you didn't help Haya and Sakura bring us out here?" I asked with clenched fists.

"It would have been better for me to catch her than for Haya to," Suigetsu shrugged his shoulders as if he didn't really care what I thought and didn't feel the need to explain himself to me.

I opened my mouth to demand he answer my question when Sasuke said, "We'll explain later, Ino. Now, we need to get you back to the castle to treat your wounds and get Haya under guard."

I was so glad that they were here to take over, that I didn't have to be strong anymore. But, when Gaara moved to help me up, his face tight with sorrow, I stopped him. I couldn't leave. Not yet. Not without looking over the cliff and confirming that she was really gone. Not without giving her a proper farewell.

"I want to see Matsuri first," I said. Sasuke looked exasperated and Suigetsu looked annoyed, but Gaara nodded. This time when he went to help me up, I let him.

I was exhausted beyond belief, but Gaara let me lean into him, making the walk less arduous.

When we reached the cliff and peered cautiously over, I was glad of the extra security of Gaara's hold on my arm. Below us ran a fast stream, the current splashing the water noisily against the rocks lining the banks.

Matsuri's body was nowhere to be found, but it was hard to even hope that she would survive a fall into rocky river from such a height. My still-bleeding cut stung, and I realized that I was crying and irritating it again.

Why had I been so mean to her? I had disliked her so much at the beginning, and still thought she was annoying even after I began to consider her a friend. She had saved my life, and I hadn't done anything to help her.

Gaara's knuckles were turning white from the tight grip his other hand had on his sword. I turned into him and rubbed his back with long strokes, crying all the while into his chest. His arms came up around me, and we mourned together for some time.

Beyond the cliff, the sun was dipping below the horizon, streaking the surface of the raging river with color. I stepped away from Gaara and removed one of the lasting flowers from my hair; a white chrysanthemum. The petals were drooping a bit, but it still managed to hold onto its vibrant white coloring and delicate shaping.

I held it up in those last rays of sunshine letting it fall down into the river. It fell slowly through the air like a feather, but flitted quickly on the water's surface. I followed the chrysanthemum's progress down the river until it caught on something.

I looked closer and saw that it appeared to be a leg. I followed the leg up and saw that the body it belonged to was caught in the brambles along the bank. I watched carefully, but detected no movement besides the hair pulling in the current.

I tugged once on Gaara's arm and pointed.

"Look, it's her."