Thanks for the feedback!
It's still early when Rory gets back and Luke and Lorelai are at work. Feeling a little at a loss, Rory puts Charlotte down for a nap and sits to watch TV, flicking mindlessly between stations. There's nothing on but Rory is half-concentrating anyway, and she jumps when her phone lets off the sound of the text. It's from Lorelai, asking how things went, and Rory simply writes fine. Seconds later she receives a reply reading give me more than that, kid! and Rory smiles, shaking her head and promising to talk properly about it later. Rory settles on an old Lifetime movie but she barely watches it, going in and out of the room to get snacks and checking anxiously on Charlotte. Her daughter frets slightly but stays asleep, letting out a long breath, and Rory follows suit. Charlotte is certainly calmer here, as is Rory herself, but she's tense as she watches Charlotte sleep, one baby arm stretching over her quilt. Eventually Rory kisses her hand and gently touches her daughter's before tiptoeing away and it's almost a relief, an hour later, when Charlotte wakes up and starts to bawl.
Lorelai gets home around six and almost runs to the couch.
"How was it?" she asks breathlessly. "I've been dying to hear ever since I got to work and Michel was so impatient - I had to redo the numbers three times because I couldn't focus at all!"
"It was fine."
"Dude," Lorelai says impatiently. "That's what you said in your text, and you promised me details when I got back. Well, I'm back and I want to hear all of it!"
Rory opens her mouth and then shakes her head, suddenly tired.
"Pizza."
"Huh?"
"I'll tell you everything but I need pizza first. Sustenance."
"I'll call Joe, tell him it's an emergency," Lorelai says, and as she dials Charlotte starts crying again. When Rory's finished dealing with an especially foul diaper the pizza is on its way, and after Lorelai has fussed over Charlotte and let her go back to sleep, Joe rings the bell with it. Lorelai gives him an extra large tip and carries the pizza to the table where she and Rory sit, taking a slice each. Lorelai lets Rory finish before asking, "So...?"
"It was awkward," Rory says honestly, wiping her mouth with a napkin. "He came, he held her and we had a lovely argument in the middle of the coffeeshop."
"What did you fight about?"
"Him being a crappy father," Rory says. Lorelai sighs and nods and Rory goes on, "He says he wants to see her when he's here on business. Like that's good enough. And he didn't ask about Charlotte at all. It's the first time he's seen his daughter since she was born and it was like he was making a work arrangement."
"But honey, it is custody stuff."
"I know," Rory says impatiently. "But that's my point. I'm talking about him seeing his daughter and he just says when he's here on business. How vague is that? And if something happened and he didn't work here anymore, would he still come over? Or is it too much hassle?"
"I'm sure it's not that," Lorelai says gently and Rory nods, chewing angrily on a crust.
"That's his problem. He expects everything to fall into place because other people pick up the slack. How am I supposed to slot work dates into my calendar? And forget about me, what about Charlotte? She deserves more than that."
"What did Logan say?"
"He just said he's here on business a lot. And then I yelled at him and he said he'd give me something more concrete."
"Well, that's good," Lorelai says doubtfully and Rory smiles ironically.
"Yeah, it's great. God, I was so mad at him. It almost made me want to say he can't see her, but it wouldn't be right. I want him to see her - I want him to want to - but it was sort of like he didn't. He didn't act like he was seeing his kid. He said he doesn't know her."
Lorelai bites her lip before saying slowly, "I'm sure he does love her. He just hasn't been with her like you have."
"She's his other life," Rory says bitterly. "She's his secret. Logan bought Charlotte a baby dress and when Odette found it he told her someone he knew had had a baby. That's it - I'm someone he knew."
"Oh, angel."
"I said he didn't have to tell her," Rory says, furiously trying to swallow the lump in her throat. "I agreed we could keep things separate. It's just - just -"
"I know."
"How can he be ashamed of her?" Rory demands, her voice shaking. "She's his baby."
"Genetically anyway."
"I know - and it's not like I was expecting Logan to say he was getting divorced and moving over, wanting to try something new. I don't want him to either. I just want him to care about her. Charlotte's his daughter. Even if he's not involved, shouldn't he want to know about her? How she is, how much she weighs, if she's happy? He hardly looked at her. He held her, but he acted like she was going to explode or something."
Rory can't help smiling, in spite or herself, and Lorelai asks, "What?"
"I guess she sort of exploded. Puke, pee and poop all over his suit."
"Nice," Lorelai says and then neither of them can stop laughing. They laugh so hard Rory wipes tears from her eyes and Lorelai says, "He deserved it. He's a jerk."
Rory looks up and is suddenly reminded of seeing Straub and Francine, her other grandparents, and hearing all the horrible things Straub said to her mother because she was born. Rory had retreated to the kitchen where Emily found her and, after making her granddaughter dinner, her grandmother had finally given up on pretending to make Straub sound good and said plainly, he's a big ass. Rory smiles but it's sad and Lorelai looks at her curiously.
"I don't think Logan gets it," Rory says to her silent question. "I think he thinks that by showing up every few months and buying Charlotte expensive gifts, that it's good enough. Better than not being there at all. And we're so separate to him that he doesn't want to do more."
Lorelai nods understandingly and Rory says, "I just want more for Charlotte. I want Logan to care."
"Give him time," Lorelai says after a pause. "This is new for both of you. Charlotte's just a few weeks old. He'll get to know her, when he does come, and then maybe he will want more. Maybe he'll think of her as more than another life."
"Maybe," Rory says doubtfully. "I just don't want Charlotte to blame herself. Even if it's just a little, and she knows she shouldn't - I don't want her to feel that way. And I'm scared I can't stop it."
Lorelai nods silently and the moment is uncomfortable. Lorelai hesitates, as though she's going to voice Rory's thoughts on Christopher, but instead she reaches for more pizza. Rory, not feeling brave enough to speak them herself, gets up and goes to the bedroom where she returns with the dress Logan bought.
"Check it out," she says, wiping her hands before opening the box and lifting up the dress. "Logan got this for Charlotte."
"Wow. Fancy."
"He said she could wear it at Christmas. Like she won't have grown at all in that time."
Lorelai laughs with her and Rory continues, "I don't even know when Charlotte can wear it."
"Well, she's four weeks old tomorrow. Put it on her then."
"But it's so expensive, Mom. She'll wreck it."
"She'll wreck it whenever you put it on her," Lorelai says matter-of-factly. "I don't even know why you'd make this for a baby. If you wait for another special occasion she'll be too big for it anyway and then it's even more of a waste. She may as well wear it while it fits."
"Yeah, I guess," Rory says and Lorelai smiles.
"Tomorrow's going to be better, sweets. Charlotte will have all her family here and Jess is coming back too. You must be excited to see him, right?"
"I am," Rory says but her voice is quiet and Lorelai asks, "You don't want to see him?"
"No, I do. I really do. I just feel embarrassed."
"Why?"
"I didn't tell him about how rough it's been."
"How come?"
"I didn't want him to worry," Rory says. "And I wanted to feel like I could do it."
"Fancied yourself Wonderwoman?" Lorelai asks and Rory nods, looking down. "I know that feeling. But Rory, you've got to give yourself a break. Having a newborn baby is tough for anyone, including people who are married and can share it more. Your whole life has changed. You don't have to be able to do it all right away. It's hard for both of you - you and Charlotte. She's confused too. She's brand new to everything."
"It just feels like you and Jess know what to do more," Rory says, feeling her voice wobble. "And when Jess said he couldn't come last weekend it felt like I was going to implode."
"Why couldn't he come again?"
"Work stuff. An author had a thing at Truncheon. She cancelled before and arranged it for then."
Lorelai eats more pizza and Rory says sourly, "I bet Jess had a great time. I'm sure it was more interesting than hearing me talk about baby puke. I'm sure she looked better too."
"You sound jealous," Lorelai says frankly and Rory wrinkles her nose.
"I'm not jealous. Not like that - I don't think Jess is attracted to her or anything."
"But you're jealous," Lorelai presses and Rory sighs.
"I guess I just miss having that. Feeling smart and intelligent and being a writer."
"Rory, you're still all those things," Lorelai says, placing a hand on Rory's. "Having a baby doesn't take that away."
"I know. And I know someday I can dress up and talk about my work and feel that way, but it all feels so impossible. I'm jealous of the author for that. I just feel tired and gross and I wouldn't trade Charlotte for anything, but I wish - I wish sometimes I could go back to that life."
Lorelai looks at her sympathetically and Rory admits,
"I wasn't even going to tell you that."
"Why not?"
"Because your life changed when you were only sixteen. I had more time."
"It's always hard," Lorelai says after a pause. "But you can't compare yourself like that, Rory. Things are how they are. You can't change it. It's okay not to love it. It doesn't help if you feel guilty and mad at yourself. Being a new mom is hard, period. It's not going to be this way forever. You've still got your own book, right?"
"I don't know when I'll have time to look at it again. I finished it right before I started labour."
"But you'll have time later. You've got to be patient and trust in that."
"What do I do for the rest of the time?"
"Sleep when you can," Lorelai says, making her laugh. "And let yourself take as much help as you can get. I know you want to do it all, but we all need help. Sometimes I wish I'd been less proud, back then."
Her voice is sad but Lorelai doesn't elaborate. Silently, she and Rory finish the pizza and Lorelai suddenly says,
"You can't control the kind of father Logan wants to be. But Charlotte has so much love, from all of us. She's going to be fine."
"I know," Rory says, folding the tiny dress and putting it away. "Thanks, Mom."
Lorelai follows her into the bedroom and takes Charlotte from the cradle as she wakes.
"Both my girls," she says gently, kissing her and looking at Rory. "You're both going to be fine."