Listened to Congratulations by Blue October for the whole of this fic, and it greatly inspired a few plot points throughout. God this song, you guys. Seriously, youtube it now. This man who sings it, he's like an extraordinary combo of Vince and Howard.
The song symbolises Vince entirely. He's watching as Howard's life becomes amazing, ideal, and he just feels a bit lost as his own goes nowhere. I especially love the line "My mind, it kinda goes fast. I'll try to slow it down for you." That's so Vince it hurts! Since I can't tell you what Vince thinks in the story itself, these songs are a good way around that. But seriously, those of you who are as dedicated to music as I am, give this song a listen as you read, you won't regret it ;) some pretty heavy stuff is in store, and the song really illustrates Vince's thoughts on everything.
Chapter 37
Spring was now fully descended over Wimbledon as Howard went about his daily chores in the Zooniverse. Thankfully, no other animals had yet to vanish in the last couple weeks, but now the zoo was down to only a few left. They rarely ever had guests anymore, and Howard was dreading the inevitable notice they all would get about salary cuts; or worse, zoo staff cuts.
Bainbridge had also raised the Lodge monthly fee higher, and Howard was more than a bit panicked at the fact that he wouldn't be able to afford the Lodge and plenty of food for him and the kid. He'd had many a discussion with Tristan and Gideon and even a small talk with Moose over it, and all had agreed on one solution.
All the preparations were now being made, but Howard had yet to inform the boy. Knowing from past experience that waiting until the last moment was a horrible mistake, Howard swallowed his nerves and brought up the subject with the kid as they both sat one night in front of the tv.
"Vince, uh...Listen, I've got something serious I want to discuss with you."
"Hmm?"
Good, he had the boy's attention. Vince was now facing him, expression of curiosity in full force. Howard swallowed again before continuing.
"Well, it's about the Lodge. I...we can't afford to keep living here, Vince. Not under Bainbridge. So, Tristan and I have come up with a solution. We've been looking around for flats, and managed to find a two-bedroom further uptown. We've already been to see it, and it's small, but nice. And between myself and Tristan we can afford it. We'll even be within driving distance of the zoo. We'll of course have to take the bus until I can buy a car..."
Howard shut himself up. Give the kid a chance to process it.
The boy stared over at Howard blankly for a long while, until Howard eventually found he had to say something to dispel the silence.
"You're coming too, of course. We'll have to leave most of this stuff behind, I'm afraid. Zoo property and all. But with how smoothly things are going we should be able to move in within t-"
"I'm not movin'."
"Wha- Vince, you can't just stay here on your own."
"And why not?"
"Because you can't afford it. Now, I know this place means a lot to you; trust me, it's difficult for me too. But it's not like we'll never see it again-"
"I'm still not going! And you shouldn't either! Everythin' is fine here, and we'll find a way to stay. I'll use my money to help-"
"No. I want you saving that, and I mean it. That money's for you in case you ever decide to go back to school, or for your own car-"
"I'm not fuckin' drivin'! Why do you want to do this, Howard; why do you want to take us out of here!?"
The boy was now yelling, standing from the sofa to pace about in circles. Howard was up as well, standing before the teen, arms out in a calming gesture. He'd been expecting theatrics, maybe waterworks. But this wasn't the kid being a brat. This was true alarm and devastation.
"Vince, it's not like that at all. Listen, you're just being dramatic-"
"I don't wanna move into a stupid uptown flat with Tristan! Why does she want you to move out, anyway!?"
Howard really wasn't liking the face and tone the boy pulled when saying Tristan's name. The kid continued to circle about, breathing audibly in the still room. Inside, Howard was quite alarmed; it was like Vince was having a fit or panic attack. The man held his hands palms outward, tone becoming exasperated against his will.
"Tristan doesn't want me to move, Vince, we have to! Now you stop acting crazy!"
"Crazy!? Ever since you met that girl you've been the crazy one, Howard. And god, you don' even see it! You're always out with her on weekends, spendin' the night with her, havin' fun with her, fuckin' around with her! You don' think I can't hear all them shitty late-night phone calls you make to each other!? And now she wants you to move; to take us out of our house, Howard!"
"First off Vince, that's not insanity, that's a little thing called love. Something which I'm not sure you understand at times. Secondly, Tristan does not want me to move! We have to!"
"Well I'm not."
"Yes hell you are! You're moving into the flat with me and Tristan. You cannot stay here alone, Vince!"
"Yes I can, and I am!"
With that the boy was storming out the door, and Howard hastily made for the kitchen window, peeking out to watch where he went. Luckily Vince just continued circling in the darkness in front of the hut. Howard walked back over to the couch, falling down onto it with a deep inhale. He really should've been used to this part of his life by now, but he was always side-swiped by these moments of pure rage from the kid. He just couldn't understand why the boy was so riled up about moving! If anything, Howard should be more choked up about it, having spent far longer in the Keeper Lodge. The way he'd paced, his ragged breathing, it reminded Howard of when the kid had been a child, breaking his things and screaming words of hate at a young Howard for moving away. It just didn't make sense in Howard's head.
The man lay his head back, closing his eyes with a long, slow exhale. No matter what the kid shouted, he was moving into the flat; even if Howard had to pack all his things for him and then drag him away.
The days passed. Howard had begun moving things into the new apartment. The Lodge was becoming more bare as time went. The boy had blankly ignored Howard's requests to start packing the things he didn't need on a daily basis. And so Howard had went around the hut, tearing down all of the kid's paper plates and pictures, stuffing them into a cardboard box. He also grabbed Vince's tackle box and put both into Tristan's car when she arrived that day for another afternoon of moving things. The boy had sat absolutely still the entire time, book clenched in his grasp, not even watching the other two.
Howard made a point of ignoring the kid right back when Tristan was there, making happy, casual talk as they moved back and forth between her vehicle and the Lodge. They both soon decided to break for lunch, laughing quietly.
"And so then he came barreling down the hall in nothing but his tie. Needless to say my father didn't speak to me for a few weeks."
Howard was laughing hard as Tristan finished her tale of the time she's dated a man from her father's work. Howard was caught between reveling in the hilarity of it all, feeling second-hand embarrassment for the poor man, and being surprised at Tristan's rather 'adventurous' lovelife that she'd had. In comparison he felt rather like a schoolboy.
For a moment of silence as they both continued eating, Howard found himself caught up in the happy, light feeling that he had found the perfect woman. All his long-winded speeches made to Joey and then Vince over the years, carrying on about how 'the one' would be his equal in all ways. Now he found that was false. Tristan was in no way his equal, but in every way his better. He was still in shock that she'd even noticed him in the first place all those months ago. Howard couldn't stop the smile that overcame his features, images of a pretty wife and little girl dancing above his head as he leaned sideways toward the woman, words coming out soft and unsure as nerves almost caused him to halt his speech. He didn't dare look at her.
"I love you."
Tristan's fork paused over the bowl of salad held below her chin, she stayed that way for all of a second before Howard heard a soft snort come from beside him. Howard's eyes widened in surprise and he turned to see Tristan's body tremble slightly with her held in laughter. Howard's voice broke slightly as it raised in pitch.
"Are you laughing?"
Another snort, followed by a "No" Had Howard feeling the beginnings of outrage wash over him. Was what he said really so funny? Hell, he sure wasn't seeing the humor in it! That was a big deal! It was the first time he'd said it, and Howard honestly had expected something a little more...reciprocating. But his eyebrows only lowered as he watched Tristan burst into quiet laughter, face hidden by her hair.
"I've just told you I love you, why are you laughing!?"
"You make me laugh. I'm sorry, Howard, I love you too."
"No you don't."
Howard felt the petulance in his own tone, but allowed it as hurt settled in his chest. Maybe he was being too sensitive, but still; laughter? Tristan was now looking him fully in the face, smiling brightly, which assuaged him slightly, but hell if he was letting up that easily.
"Yes I do!"
"You don't love me."
"I do! I love you."
"No you don't, you're just saying it because I said it to you first. It doesn't mean anything."
Now Tristan was laughing full on, and Howard found himself smiling. He was just being a big ol' emotional git, like always. Taking everything far too seriously. Tristan leant into him as he let go and joined in quiet laughter of his own. Well, if laughter was Tristan's response to his professions of affection, he supposed he could live with that.
The happy noise of their laughter was abruptly shattered along with the cup that was now lying in pieces on the other end of the room. Vince sat staring at it, eyes wide as though surprised by his own actions. Howard was up on his feet and over to Vince quickly, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him a bit.
"What the hell do you think you're doing throwing my crockery about, huh? You could have hurt somebody!"
"Howard, I'm sure it was an accident!"
Tristan pulled him away from the kid, who'd not bothered to respond beyond making sure his book didn't topple to the floor. The man stared at him for a good long minute before slowly going to clean up the mess.
The day of the move came quickly, and Howard was beyond shocked when he found he didn't even have to drag the boy kicking and screaming through the zoo gates. No; Vince walked out quietly, face barren, and got into the back of Tristan's car without an ounce of resistance. Seems the boy was finally getting over it. This gave Howard hope. He really wanted to alleviate the boy's anger, but every attempt to talk it over was met with silence.
The apartment looked incredibly cozy with all of Howard and Tristans' possessions decorating it. Looking around the finally finished sitting room, Howard let himself bask in the feeling of having an actual family, and a proper home.
He showed Vince to his new room. It was small but nice, with a large window beside the bed. Howard had even put all of the kid's creepy drawings up on the walls, sort of as a silent apology. The kid immediately went to sit on the edge of the bed, looking out the window in silence. Howard closed the door after watching him for a while.
'Just give him time. He'll adjust.'
And thus was the manner in which two months passed. Vince rarely came out of his room, and when he did it was only to grab something to eat or shut himself away in the toilet. He refused to speak with Howard, and when the man began shouting at him through his locked bedroom door, Vince put on one of his Numan cassettes and blasted 'Are Friends Electric' repeatedly for several hours, much to Howard's annoyance.
Even when the date of Howard's twenty-seventh birthday arrived, it was Howard and Tristan sitting alone on the sofa, with no Vince to be seen. Howard tried not to be hurt about it; after all, he didn't throw a party or anything. Hadn't even let Tristan buy a cake like she'd wanted. He just...didn't feel much like celebrating. But still, if the boy knew what day it was, his silence toward Howard was beginning to make the man feel bereft all over again; as though Vince were back in Mitcham and not simply beyond the far wall.
Hoping to bridge the gap that was opening between them, Howard invited (well, more like ordered) Vince to join him at his next performance that coming weekend. The kid had shrugged mutely as he made his way into the kitchen, grabbing a bag of chips before once again vanishing into his room, door lock clicking quietly behind him.
Howard's next gig was at the same club where he'd met the enigma that was Rudi, and everywhere in the dark space young people danced and shouted. It was funny how many were Howard's age, and he kept having to remind himself that he was twenty-seven, and not fifty-seven. This club was quite a large one, and apparently full of people who really liked Howard's music. After his performance he was quickly surrounded by a group of people singing his praises. He lost track of the boy, spotting him a few times as he drank and danced. Tristan had been unable to come along this time, and so Howard couldn't very well have her to help keep the kid in line. He shook his head at the kid's increasingly intoxicated ways.
Eventually Howard managed to beckon Vince to him, and firmly told the boy to stay beside him, and not to drink anymore. The teen had given him a sardonic laugh, but stayed in place as he observed the girls surrounding himself and Howard. They barely gave the boy a glance as they smiled adoringly up at the older man.
"Your songs are just so out there! It's wicked, man!"
"Yeah, I especially like that one about the llama."
"Could you sign an autograph? Um, where's a serviette..."
The girls began to move about toward the tables, but Vince spoke up quietly, holding out a folded paper napkin. Howard wondered why he'd had it on him, but was soon overtaken as the girls smiled and squealed, searching through their bags for a pen.
Howard felt incredibly chuffed at the attention. Part of him felt guilty; he was with Tristan, after all. But it's not as if he meant any of these small flirtations. He'd certainly never so much as kiss any of these women. But for a while, it was nice to be praised by attractive young ladies, when all his life Howard had been quite the wallflower. Howard looked down at Vince, and was taken aback at the dimly veiled glare the boy favored the girls with. They didn't seem to notice, and one pointed at him with a giggle.
"Aww, who's this? He your kid?"
Howard grinned, not even planning on correcting them this time. Let them think Vince was his kid.
'Let them. Hell, why not just admit it to yourself, Moon? You like pretending the boy is yours. You may not be related by blood, but you certainly are the boy's father. And once he's over his shit mood this will all finally be per-'
Howard's happy revelation, as well as the girls' giggling, halted, and it took Howard all of thirty seconds to figure out why. Vince had Howard's button-up in his clenched grasp, effectively pulling Howard down to his level. And he held Howard's mouth prisoner against his own. Howard smelled the mix drinks and smoke leaking through the boy's pores, and his head and heart and body revolted against the kid, tugging sharply away. Howard stared dumbly down at Vince, who turned to the awestruck women with something like a smirk.
"No, I'm not his kid."
Howard wasn't sure whether that was his mind or his heart cracking, but either way he was grabbing Vince viciously by the arm and leading him swiftly out of the club. Once the clear air hit them, Vince jerked his arm from Howard's grasp, and Howard had only a moment to brace himself before the kid was grabbing his shirt once more, standing on tiptoes, still not quite tall enough even with the boost to reach Howard's face. The boy was speaking quickly in a low voice, his eyes holding nothing but intoxication, and Howard highly doubted the kid really knew what he was doing. Or, at least, he prayed not. He could hardly make out a word coming from the kid's mouth.
"Je t'aime. Tu me rends fou. Je suis fou de toi et je pense a toi tout le temps et je t'aime. Please, Idon'wannabewithanyoneelse. Je...um, I...Ineverbeenwithanyone. Iwantedyoutobemefirst,Howard. Iloveyou. I-"
Howard pushed Vince away, a bit too hard, as he went crashing to the pavement. Howard winced, but fright kept him from helping the boy up. Red lights were flashing in Howard's vision. He was suddenly remembering a time not too long ago, with a sofa and a newly-bought acoustic. How could he have forgotten? No, how could he have convinced himself that Vince felt nothing for Howard beyond friendship? The proof had been more than evident that night. And here it was, again, smacking him in the face with all it's painful clarity.
Vince wobbled unsteadily as he rose to his feet, glaring down at the skinned palms of his hands. His blurry eyes rose to meet Howard's, and Vince lowered his arms, letting Howard collect his thoughts and make the first move.
"I-ah-Jus...What the hell are you doing, Vince!? What the hell kind of sign did I ever give you that said I wanted to be snogged in front of a bunch of people in a club!?"
"I love you, Howard."
It came out so quietly, that Howard was answering back honestly before his mind had a chance to catch up.
"I love you too, Vince."
The boy cringed violently, eyes screwing shut and teeth baring as anger showed across his face once more.
"No, not like that. I mean...I love you. I always have. Well, not always but..."
Curiosity was poison.
"S...since w-when?"
"Since I was 'bout twelve."
"But...I never even saw you when you were twelve, how can you-"
"And I never saw you. Don't mean I didn't think about you. I thought about you a lot over those seven years. I weren't lyin' when I said you were my first real friend; first friend I ever wanted, Howard. You are. You...You were the first person who was ever...ever nice to me. You paid attention to me, even 'fore I spoke a word to you. And you weren't just nice, but you were firm with me, too. I've never 'ad that. Not even with Bryan. My guardians don't give a shit what I do with myself; never 'ave. But you did. You- you fuckin' held my hand when we crossed the street! Every time!"
Now tears could be seen pooling in the boy's eyes and his bleeding hand shook slightly as it stretched out in gesture. Howard had never been more torn in his life. He wanted to pull the kid close and comfort him, protect him from his own feelings. And he wanted to run. Vince now had his hands raised to his head, where they dug into his blond hair, fingers pulling. Howard took his momentary silence as an invitation to speak up, voice wavering almost as much as the kid's.
"You...you're...um. I love you, Vince. I do. But you can't...you can't just go falling for people when they give you the slightest bit of affection!"
Vince lowered his arms, three neat tear tracks trailing down his cheeks. No more followed. He simply stood there, and the two stared each other down with what could only be interpreted by passersbys as resignation. Howard's voice raised again, feeling as though a weight were wrapped around his feet, dragging him to the bottom of a deep dark sea, and he recalled an old thought he'd once had about this very boy.
'Best take a few deep breaths now, Moon, cause you're in the ocean.'
"You're just a kid, Vince. Even...even if you were a girl...you're just a kid."
Vince promptly turned and began walking slowly down the street. Howard stood watching him for several minutes, before following at a distance. He wanted to make certain the kid got back to the flat alright. And anyway, Howard didn't feel much up to partying anymore.
The tower block was nearby, and so the pair arrived at their front door within fifteen minutes. Vince stood off to the side as Howard fumbled with his key, finally able to open the door and walk in, feeling a bit fuzzy around the edges. He stood in the centre of the sitting room, facing the sofa and wall as he listened to Vince walking behind him toward his own room. When he heard the door close with a quiet snap, he collapsed completely onto his knees, leaning forward over the cushions and burying his face into them until it hurt. He was so glad Tristan was out visiting family, and so wasn't there to witness this scene. Howard didn't cry, or scream, or break things, though he greatly desired to do all three. He just sat there curled over the cushions, pain itching at his face, offering him a momentary distraction from the boy just beyond the opposite wall.