Part 3: Chapter 9: Gone, Gone, Gone

RPOV

I was released from the hospital the next day with a clean bill of health, well physically. Mentally, I was still a wreck and would be for some time. Doctor Ivashkov, or Olivia I now call her, had given me her number and a contact for a psychiatrist she recommended back home in Arlington. Yeah, I am going home. Being here has done nothing but bring problems to my life. I failed at getting a recording offer, I was barely passing my classes, that was only because Dad and Dimitri were helping so much. My place of utter peace had been stripped away, I couldn't even think of walking in the Cafe anymore. Plus, as much as it killed me to admit, being around Dimitri, Ivan and Vika, well I couldn't relax.

I wouldn't tell them though, I tried my hardest to act like I was well on my way to being stable again, but I was nowhere near it. I kicked Dimitri out of our room after only two nights, now he is sleeping in the guest quarters. I was still having the nightmares, but I didn't want anyone around to witness everytime I would wake up screaming and crying from one. Dimitri would often come to the door after hearing my terrified screams, but I would never let him in.

I still haven't told him exactly what happened inside that cabin. I keep thinking, I am making to big a deal out of it, it could have been worse, there were women out there that have gone through way worse. For me though, this was a fate worse than death. Not only because I was kidnapped, not because he forced me to perform sexual favors for him, not even the fact of my hand taking his life, but he ruined the greatest thing I have ever had. No matter if things ever get back to normal for Dimitri and I, he is no longer the only man I have ever been with. That, that is what burdened me beyond anything else.

Spring break was next week, so I would stay until we were all due to travel back home. At the end of the week, everyone else would return to Nashville, while I remained home in Arlington. Olena offered for me to stay in Dimitri's room, but being surrounded with all of his stuff, his smell that never seemed to fade from the sheets, I didn't know if I could do it, it would make me miss him too much.

I needed and wanted to be alone. I wanted to fight my battles like I always have, by myself. Granted, the last time I did that, I fell down a deep dark hole, but I was determined to not let that happen again. I had a lot to work on for me first, then I would focus on Dimitri and I. I was upset with myself more than anything else.

I chose to walk away that night, If I would have just let him be in the room, he would have come out to talk when he was ready. Instead I went after him, only causing us to get upset and me to leave. It's funny, the same events that led to Ben taking me, are the same events that led him to me in the first place. Dimitri and I walking away from each other, here I was about to do it again.

"Milaya?" Dimitri asked through the closed door.

I went to the door, taking a few deep breaths, opening it I took in the face of my husband, he looked so broken. He has since we came home. I keep pushing him further and further away, trying to prepare for the inevitable.

"Comrade?"

"Did you want to come down for dinner tonight, or should I bring you something up?"

"I'm not hungry, thank you though." I started to close the door, his hand struck out and stopped me.

"I know this has been hard, Roza, but please stop pushing us all away, we only want to help. You need to eat and get out of this room for a little while. How about you come have dinner with me, then we can take a walk together?"

I mulled it over and over in my head, food doesn't sound appetizing, but I haven't eaten anything substantial in two weeks. When I did, I threw it back up shortly after. I know he is right, I need to get out a little bit, but I didn't want to watch everyone treat me like I will break any second. Dad was the only one who didn't tip toe around me, Vika and Ivan would just look at me with such pity that I couldn't stand to be in the room with them for more than a few minutes. Dimitri, Oh Dimitri, he was the worst of all of them, he never took his eyes off me, not for a second. When I tried to go back to class, he went to every single one with me, he even stood like a guard outside the bathroom. When we were home, he always had all the doors locked, if he found one unlocked for whatever reason, he flipped shit. I get that he is protective by nature, but damn, I can't handle it anymore. I need my space.

"Rose?" he looked at me raising his brow.

I kind of got lost in my thoughts there and never answered. I guess I could give him this little bit, after all, I will not be coming back with them after spring break.

"Yeah, sounds good, just let me change."

A small smile graced my loves face, but I could still see the unease in his eyes. He has been trying to hide it from me, but I know he is just as unsure of us, as I am. Most of it being my inability to talk to him about what happened, I want to, or rather I want to get it over with, but I can't seem to find the right way to tell him. I want to be able to tell him everything.

"Rose, we have to talk about this sooner or later." Dimitri started, we had been walking around the park for twenty minutes now, silence surrounding us.

"I know. I just don't know where or how to start." my head dropped and I stared at the pebbled ground beneath my feet.

"How about the beginning, tell me everything, starting when you left the house."

"Okay,..." I launched into my story, I told him how I felt after finding out about the TV purchase, the thoughts running in my head. I could see he wanted to interject and push those insecurities I had away, but he remained silent as we continued to walk. I told him about going to the cafe and singing the song I wrote about him. He laughed when I told him I imagined him as John Wayne and Jessie James, coming to save the damsel in distress. In the end of the later events, he really was my very own outlaw. I skipped over the actual abduction, since we had texted after I woke up in the trunk. I told him about Ben's words when we got to the cabin, about his hopes and visions he had for us. I could see his jaw clench several times, if he doesn't like that, he really won't like what I say next.

I had to stop walking, I couldn't talk about this and focus on where I was going at the same time. I found a old oak tree a little off the walking trail, I perched myself against the hard bark. I needed to feel grounded, sturdy, or I would fall apart. Taking several long, deep breaths, I continued.

"Every night, before bed...he..he would…" my throat was closing up, I wasn't ready to tell him about this, I knew I needed to, but I wasn't ready for him to leave. Putting my head between my knees, I attempted to control my erratic breathing.

"Roza, we don't have to keep going if you don't want to."

I couldn't tell if he was saying that solely for my benefit or because he wasn't ready to hear the rest. My breathing slowed and I looked up to the stars. Living just outside the city here, I could actually see them on a clear night. They glistened pure white against the stark black sky. It was almost like they were trying to talk to me. I needed to talk about this, I needed to start healing.

I took another deep breath, keeping my eyes to the stars, "He would come in the room every night, he didn't stay..but..he would come in and…" I had to stop, I couldn't find the right words.

I could see Dimitri itching to pull me to him, to wrap me up and lend me his strength. I tentatively reached out to him, taking his hand in mine. This is the first time I have touched him since he found me. The warmth of his skin spread to mine, the fire that was always there spread instantly. Lacing my fingers through his, I gave his hand a gentle squeeze.

Trying again, "He made me…", how should I say this, "pleasure him." I paused, Dimitri's hand gripped mine tighter, before he could ask anything, I kept going, "He didn't do anything to me, like that, he didn't have a chance. You can thank mother nature later." I chuckled, I was desperately trying to lighten the mood as much as possible, I don't think it was working well.

"So he didn't…" I shook my head. I could see his shoulders relax slightly, "I was so worried that he had and without your birth control…"

"Like I said, you can thank mother nature later, without my pills, my cycle was off, he didn't want to mess with that. So he just found other ways to be satisfied."

"I am so sorry, Roza." he said squeezing my hand tenderly.

"It's not your fault, I have told you that a million times, Dimitri. None of this is your fault. We both made choices that led to this, we can wish we had done things differently, but in the end, we can't. You have to stop blaming yourself, we both do." whispering those last three words, I was talking more to myself than to him.

"I know, but it doesn't mean I have to like it. I will forever wish I had done things differently, you were hurt and violated. I vowed, to always protect you, I keep failing." his voice trailed away as he spoke.

"You can't protect me from everything, Comrade. That's part of life and it's okay. I don't expect you to be able to stop every bad thing from happening."

"Is there anything else I need to know?" he was apprehensive to know the answer, I could see the pleading look in his eyes for me to say there was nothing more.

"Not much. He only touched my breast a few times, he was too focused on himself, he didn't pay me much mind. He started getting frustrated with not being able to have me any other way, so I did what I could to make him happy." Thinking about how I played into it, like I actually enjoyed it, I could feel the bile rise in my throat. I glanced at Dimitri, his jaw was set in a hard line. "You showed up after we were eating, I had kissed him, trying to get him to trust me, I needed him to let his guard down just enough. Once he did, I took advantage and grabbed the gun..."

"You can stop there, I put the rest of it together in my head when I found you." he quickly interrupted. Honestly, I was grateful, I didn't want to recount the last moments I spent with him. The moments that lead to his death.

I simply nodded, taking my hand back from him, I wrapped my arms around my legs, drawing my knees into my chest, resting my chin on top. We remained silent for a while, both letting all the words settle and process. The moment of truth was coming soon, he would either stay by me, or run for the hills. I couldn't begin to imagine a life without him, he was my husband, my lover, my best friend. I can't go through this life without him.

"You're amazing, do you know that?" he asked.

I was not expecting him to say that.

"Huh?"

"You are so brave, so strong. You did what you had to do, you played him and won."

"Yeah," my voice was a whisper, I didn't and still don't feel brave and strong. I felt disgusted with myself. I took a man's life, I played him by doing things I never would have done, had the situation been different.

"Roza, you are. I know right now it is hard to see, but you are the strongest person I know. You have overcome so many things already in life. So many things that were meant to break you, us, and you have fought and won. I am beyond amazed and proud of you."

"How can you not hate me? How can you ever want to be with me again?" There it was, my greatest fear revealed to him.

"Because, I love you." he said as if it was the simplest thing in the world.

I couldn't say anything, I just stared at him. What on earth did I do to deserve him?

"So, are you still wanting to go home?"

"Yes. I think it is for the best that I get away from here."

"Will we be okay?" his voice became shaky.

"We will be someday."

DPOV

I let Rose's words sink in, both of us remaining silent for a few minutes. I never wanted to know what happened to her, but in the end, I am glad she told me, my imagination was worse than reality. Knowing that he forced her into giving him oral sex pissed me off, but I was grateful that he never go to touch her there. I don't mean to sound insensitive, but I was happy that I was still the only one to have her. Anyways, I knew she thought I wouldn't want her, but in honesty, I wanted her more. I wanted to protect her, to love her like she should be loved. I wanted to take her pain away, shield her from anything that could ever hurt her again. I knew it was physically impossible to stop every little thing that could happen, but I would die trying. I wanted to show her the beauty that I see when I look at her. I wanted her, good, bad and ugly, all of it, forever.

The chilly night was beginning to get to Rose, I could see her starting to shiver. Picking up my duster, I wrapped it around her. I had taken it off halfway through our talk, I was feeling confined in the leather as her words smothered me.

"Come on, Roza. Let's get you home."

As we walked into the house, I could hear Abe having a conversation with someone, he wasn't speaking english, or Russian. Turkish, maybe, whatever it was he didn't sound happy. Rose and I both looked at each other, I shrugged and pushed her toward the stairs. I would go and talk to Abe about it later, she needed to rest, it's been a long night.

I walked her to our bedroom door, "I'll see you in the morning, milaya, get some rest."

"Will you stay with me tonight?"

"Of course." I was surprised, but didn't hesitate in my answer. She kicked me out two weeks ago, I didn't think she would ask me back at all before we left for break. "I am just going to check on Dad, I'll be back soon."

She smiled up at me and walked into the room. I closed the door behind her and headed back down to Abe's office.

His volume had calmed, but he still sounded pissed. Peaking around the door, he was on the phone. Seeing me, he held up and hand, signaling for me to give him another moment. I waited in the hall until I heard him stop talking. I looked back in and he was sitting with his head in his hands.

I walked over to the bottle of vodka he kept in the mini freezer, grabbing two shot glasses, I set them down on his desk. He looked up and smiled.

"Just what I need." he laughed, and poured one for each of us, "So, how did your talk go?"

"I could have gone my whole life without knowing what he did to her, but I am glad it's over now. She knows I am not running away and we discussed her going back home."

"She needs to do it for her, but for you too, you know that right?"

"What do you mean, for me?"

"Your career is in a balance right now, one wrong move and you can lose it all. You have been so focused on keeping her in your sight, you have fallen behind in your own life. Scouts have been asking me what happened to you, your professors are worried that you are going to fail out. You need to focus on yourself too, not just her, she will get better. With her going home, you can stay focused here and she can regain herself there. It's best for both of you."

"I'm not that far behind in my studies and the scouts, I stopped paying any attention to them a while back. I didn't even know if they would realize something was going on."

"You missed two weeks straight when she was...gone. You haven't even started catching up with how you follow her around."

"Okay, maybe I am a bit behind, but I will catch up and finish."

"You better, or you can't play. Your scholarship is for academics as well as athletics. If you slack in your studies, they will pull you off the team and pull your funding. You are almost done, don't fuck up now.", he was now in full father mode. Sometimes I wish he would stay Coach, but I guess right now it wouldn't matter either way. Coach side is probably just as upset as Dad.

"Yes, Sir."

I wanted to ask about the phone call, considering I didn't understand the language, I would assume it was something to do with his business or someone back in Turkey.

"What?"

"I was just wondering what language you were speaking earlier, I don't think I have ever heard it."

"Turkish, and you want to know what it was about." he gave me a pointed look, I shrugged, letting him decide. "My long lost brother," he rolled his eyes, "got himself in a bit of trouble. He wanted me to bail him out."

"I didn't even know you had a brother. I thought your family was gone?"

"The important ones, yes, but my younger brother, Aydin, well he fell away from us a long time ago. Only calls when he gets into something that he can't get out of."

I gave a half nod as I took another ice cold shot, the burn in my throat was soothing.

"Rose asked me to come back to the room tonight."

"You think that is a good idea?"

"I will be where she wants me, if she decides she doesn't want me there in the middle of the night, I will leave."

"She still been screaming the last few nights, let's see if you help with keeping the nightmares away."

"I hope so. Good night, Dad." I stood and headed back upstairs.

I opened the door slowly, I didn't want to disturb her if she had already fallen asleep. I stood at the foot of the bed, slowly undressing while I watched my beautiful wife rest. I still can't believe she thought I would hate her, or never want her again. This whole thing has brought doubts into both of our minds, starting with my idiotic decision to watch that fucking show. At least I learned something good from it. When I remained only in my boxers, I pulled back the covers and lowered myself onto the bed.

Her breathing picked up immediately and I could hear the soft whimpers. I started singing to her in Russian, a lullaby my mother used to sing when we were small, she said it chased away the monsters. I laid on my side and ran my fingers through her silky hair, relishing in the feeling, it has been too long. When her breathing evened back out, I rolled onto my back, resting one hand behind my head, the other tracing idle patterns on her back.

I closed my eyes, as soon as I started to feel the darkness of sleep pull me under, Roza moved. On instinct, she cuddled into my side, my arm going around her waist in a protective grip.

She breathed deeply and sighed, "ya lyublyu tebya dimitri"

She was speaking Russian in her sleep, I laughed to myself, maybe I should start teaching her.

"I love you, Roza, Sweet dreams."

I kissed her hair and fell into a deep slumber, full of dreams of my Roza.

Author's Note:

I hope that helped clear up exactly what happened, I intentionally left the little details for when she would tell him.

I just want to say, I hope I did not offend anyone with this chapter, I tried to picture how I would deal with it, but honestly, it was hard. I have dealt with a similar situation, but not the same, again, I didn't intend to offend anyone and if I did, I sincerely apologize.

I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend, back to the work grind for me. R&R to keep me awake!

Thank You!