"Stop, Severus, please." Hermione pleaded, against her own painful desire. It seemed to take a while for her words to register, but then he stopped what he was doing and proceeded to move his hands up to around her waist, still holding her flush against his body. Hermione allowed her eyes to close for a moment, indulging in his embrace. She felt safer in his arms than she had felt since that fateful day upon when she first arrived at Malfoy Manor.
"Professor," she whispered, putting her mouth close to his ear, "I'm sorry." She felt his hands drop away and he stepped back. She looked up at him to see a play of emotions cross is face; confusion, anger, and then what she thought was something akin to fear.
Snape could feel the ever familiar sensation of bitterness sweep through him. He fought to regain composure as he stared at the girl in front of him, with her red lips, flushed cheeks, dishevelled hair and overall radiant beauty. How could this have gotten so bloody out of control? He was angry at himself, but what's more, he was angry at her as well, for leading him on this meaningless goose chase which only directed him to regret and disappointment. He knew better. But the fact that she could even invoke such thoughts within him, the fact that she thought it was meaningless - while he did not, the fact that he cared ... It awoke new emotions, ones he was less familiar with.
"Miss Granger," he said, in a voice much too formal for the situation. "Please clean up this mess and take your leave." Without a backward glance he abruptly strode out of the study and straight into his quarters, locking the door behind him.
Hermione stood there, her eyes blank. His sudden mood swings never failed to give her whiplash and she wondered at the thought process behind such sudden extremes in behaviour. She half contemplated going after him but she wouldn't have known what to say and Hermione felt the guilt come upon her once again. You could get him fired, this isn't right. Flustered and confused, she vanished the broken glass with her wand and then wandered back to Gryffindor Tower.
***
Surprisingly Hermione awoke just before noon after a long and dreamless slumber. She was thankful for the sleep-in, revelling in the rare 'well-rested feeling.' Deciding to treat herself and take it leisurely, (it is the holidays after all) she laid in bed a while longer, letting her mind revert to the memories from the previous day. She nearly smiled at the thought of Severus coming at her, with a passion she hadn't really ever experienced. Sure, she had snogged Draco on a few occasions, but it did not feel like that. It was different. Hermione pondered this. Draco hadn't been bad, he was a fair kisser and he didn't just boringly keep his hands in one place (like Harry often did). But Snape just seemed to know what to do, and he did so with an ease and confidence that made Hermione nearly yearn for him.
She didn't want to stop, to cut him off. But she hadn't been able to ignore her good friend common sense. For one, he was her teacher, therefore it just wasn't allowed, end of story. Secondly, well, it was Snape; double agent Death Eater, twice her age, hated Potion Master Snape. She sighed, not Snape... Severus. Brilliantly talented and underestimated Severus, who put his life on the line everyday for the greater good. Severus, who possessed knowledge outside the realms of Quidditch, who was wise and mature and who respected her own intellect. Hermione shook her head. And thirdly, she was still completely jilted. She needed time to sort out the Harry situation and also to forget the Draco situation. Everything in her life felt like utter chaos. She did not want to add to the disarray. She wasn't sure she could trust him, or if she even wanted to. Her heart was still out of order and she didn't feel like she could readily put herself in any vulnerable state so soon. She was wary of romance and its falsities. Huffing lightly she turned over and her eyes landed on the Hogwarts painting Harry had given her. First thing first, she needed to talk to Harry and make amends. She was unsure whether to try and continue with the relationship or else end it and force him to be just her friend like before, yet she wouldn't have a good explanation for her father. Though she reasoned that perhaps the bonds of friendship could be stronger than that of a relation, maybe she could convince Voldemort that all was not lost... At any rate, she still had a few days until everyone returned from the break.
Later that afternoon Hermione decided to go visit Hagrid, something she had neglected to do all semester. She ducked her head into her scarf as she stepped out onto the grounds; though the sun was shining it was deceptively frigid. She quickly sprinted across the distance to his hut and knocked loudly on the large wooden door. Fang's roaring bark met her ears.
"Just o'minute! Fang, down!" She could hear Hagrid rustling about inside and cringed when he finally swung open the door, wondering if he could see the difference in her. Does he know about me? About what I am?
"Why Hermione, what a surprise." His eyes crinkled into a grin. "Haven' seen you forever. Come on in, I'll put on a pot o' tea."
"Thanks Hagrid," Hermione said as she stepped around him, pulling off her heavy cloak. She smiled at the familiar and comfortable atmosphere. I need to visit more often, she decided, breathing in the pleasant smell of wood smoke and leather. "I'm sorry I haven't come to see you before this, it's been a busy semester."
"Ah don' worry about it," Hagrid assured, getting out his humongous teacups. "Even Harry and Ron have only made it down a few times. I understand o'course." He sat down across from her, scratching Fang behind the ear, and then his eyes became rather solemn. "So how are you Hermione?"
Hermione averted her gaze, something in his tone made her uneasy. "Uh, I'm fine."
"Harry told me about wha' happened in the summer. I'm sorry Hermione."
"Wait, what?" she asked quizzically, now completely confused.
"You know, about your parents. It's hard losing people you love. I lost me mom and dad too, so if you ever want to talk." Hagrid reached across and put a hand on her shoulder. "You're always welcome, you know that."
"Oh," Hermione sighed quietly in relief. "Thanks Hagrid, that means a lot." He nodded and then went to retrieve the kettle from the fireplace. "So tell me," Hermione said, changing the subject, "what new magical creatures have you been teaching about?"
Hagrid smiled while pouring the tea. "Oh I got some fascinating beasts this year; you'll wish you'd stayed in my class, I tell yah."
***
Three hours later Hermione found herself finally trekking back up to the school, having to politely break off Hagrid's enthusiastic bragging, but she had vastly enjoyed her afternoon and promised to visit again in the next few weeks. Her mind was at ease knowing that he didn't know. To Hagrid she was still the dorky bookworm, not marred by darkness and horror. Hermione tried to clear her head as she entered the castle, hitting the snow off her pant legs.
Yet she wondered if Dumbledore had informed anyone of her...situation. Of course she'd rather no one else found out. Ever. But if the Order finds out without knowing the entire story...They could tear me apart - No, they couldn't, her mind hissed quite on its own accord. You are stronger than them all. Hermione nearly laughed at herself. "Nonsense!" She said aloud this time.
"What is nonsense, Miss Granger?"
Hermione snapped her head up upon hearing her transfiguration teacher's voice. She smiled sheepishly. "Why this snow is nonsense, see it's gotten the bottom of my pants all wet."
Professor McGonagall didn't look impressed. "Miss Granger, I've been meaning to talk to you, may I have a word in my office?"
"Sure." Hermione said, falling in step beside her.
Once they were seated Minerva studied her for a moment. Hermione tried not to shift under her scrutiny. Finally her gaze softened. "Miss Granger, you look tired."
It then dawned on her that it would have been outlandish for Dumbledore not to tell the Deputy Headmistress, who also happened to be her head of house.
"I am tired." Hermione said, chewing her bottom lip. "Professor, what do you know?" she asked when McGonagall remained silent.
"Albus just recently updated me on current events, but I've known as long as he has. I thought he might have told you of my awareness before now, but I didn't want to draw undo attention to your condition."
Hermione tried not to focus on her use of the word 'condition'. It's like I have some gross disease. "Actually Professor," she said, trying to sound collected. "I was coincidentally just thinking about whether anyone else in the Order knew. Say if someone accidentally found out and Professor Dumbledore or Professor Snape was unable to vouch for me, it could lead to a tricky situation."
"Exactly our thoughts," Professor McGonagall agreed, "which is why I'd like you to consider allowing another member of the Order to become educated as well. We don't want to push you, but we feel it would be in your best interest. You can choose whom of course, and you can decide if you'd like to be there, or if you'd like Professor Dumbledore and myself to meet with them alone."
Hermione's head was reeling. "Um," was the only comprehensible thing she could say. Taking a deep breath she tried to settle her mind. It won't be so bad; it's okay for one more person to know. Someone I can trust. The Order members won't turn their back on me, Dumbledore will make sure of that. Surely anyone of them could handle it, no big deal. But who? "Professor Lupin." She stated firmly. "You can tell Professor Lupin, but I don't want to be there... I don't want to see the look on his face when he finds out."
"Remus will not think any less of you Hermione. I think you have made a wise choice. We will meet with him first thing in the morning. Is there anything else you'd like to discuss?" Hermione shook her head. "How is Professor Snape treating you?" McGonagall added before Hermione could excuse herself.
"Pardon?" Hermione asked, her stomach forming a tight knot.
"You've began assisting him have you not?" McGonagall asked. "We all know he may not be among the most friendly," the corners of her mouth twitched as if she wanted to smile, "but I think you are doing him a great favour by lessening his workload, even if being in his company is unpleasant. He will appreciate it in the end however, he knows you are not a child anymore and can hold your own when it comes to potions. I just hope he doesn't run you off... Don't take his harsh words to heart. He has been very concerned about you ever since you were inducted into the Dark Lord's circle, and he will do anything in his power to protect you."
Hermione was taken aback by her open comments about her colleague. "I'll keep that in mind Professor." Feeling rather awkward she stood up in cue that she was ready to leave.
"It there is anything at all that you need, my office is always open."
Hermione thanked her and decided to forgo supper, heading straight back to her dormitory. After a few hours of reading she tossed her book aside, tired but restless. Her nerves were acting up knowing that Lupin would soon be told about her new identity. She knew she could trust him, and the fact that he knew what it was to feel like a monster made her think he could relate rather than judge. And Snape, she hadn't seen him all day, but she instantly made up her mind that tomorrow she would continue to help him. He deserved that at least. But this time I won't succumb to teenage hormones. I mean, after all, I can act professional and mature. I can. Things need to be kept under control for once. Trying to ignore the flickering memories of being in his arms Hermione finally drifted to sleep.