Prelude

Chapter 37

There were to be no calling hours. Of all that had happened, thought Reid, that might be one of the saddest things. That this life, lived with such unfettered altruism, such heroism, should end without being remembered.

I don't understand it.

He'd been to the wake for Haley Hotchner. There had been, quite literally, hundreds of people queued up to pay their respects to those who'd loved her. He'd had to wait a full hour to reach Hotch, and Jessica. At the time, Reid had thought it such a remarkable statement about the lives touched by Haley's, and the caring for those she'd left behind. He'd been greatly moved, and later spent much of that evening pondering whether he was doing enough with his life.

Now, with Emily gone, there was to be no outpouring of sympathy. No testimony to the impact of her life. Just a simple graveside service, attended by only a few.

It's not right. It's not right, Emily. You deserve so much more than this.

His eyes filled every time he thought of it. She'd done so much, for so many. There were families who'd seen justice for lost loved ones, others rescued from certain death at the hands of the depraved, and countless others whose lives would never face the evil that had targeted them. All because of the dedication and selflessness of this woman. Emily Prentiss. His friend.

They'd been told it couldn't be made public. Some mumbo-jumbo nonsense about not wanting it known while Doyle was still on the run. Reid was all for not wanting Doyle to have the satisfaction of knowing he'd killed her. But he had killed her. Keeping it quiet made no sense now. Reid had tried to protest, but Hotch had been stern. This was how it had to be. Private. Quiet. Small. So unlike the life she'd lived.

Even her mother wouldn't attend. After all, the presence of an ambassador would attract attention.

Reid swallowed the outrage that threatened to build once again. He needed to prepare himself for what was to come. This day promised to be every bit as bright and cold as the day they'd buried Haley. The chill seemed appropriate, the brightness something to resent.

Reid would don his long coat, and accent it with the purple scarf that Emily had always loved so much, knowing he could never wear it again without remembering the day he'd committed his dear friend to the earth.

And then, he would join Morgan at the head of the casket, flashing back all the while to the similar roles they'd played for Haley not long enough ago. And he would set his jaw, and keep his eyes aimed straight ahead, lest they should make contact with another pair, and thereby overflow. All this he planned, dreading the hour when he should have to live it out. But, all too soon, that hour came.

The priest was reciting the usual prayers and supplications to the too-small crowd gathered at the graveside. Reid stood next to JJ and ached to reach out to hold her hand, as Morgan had done with Garcia. But Will was among the small group of mourners, and Reid could feel the challenging eyes upon him. He would keep his hands at his side, and clench his fists, wishing they were not so empty.

To the surprise of literally everyone present, the priest was interrupted when he tried to conclude the brief service.

"Hmm—mmm." Reid cleared his throat. "I'd like to say something."

JJ, standing next to him, was stunned. She'd been just barely holding it in, nearly broken by the expressions on the faces of Morgan and Garcia, positioned across from them. Her eyes had sought out Hotch's repeatedly, begging him to help her stand strong. She'd uttered silent prayers of thanks that she couldn't look directly at Spence, sure his grief would have completely undone her resolve. And now, he apparently wanted to give a eulogy. Spence!

The priest was encouraging, if surprised. The attendees at this funeral seemed unusually restrained.

"Go ahead."

Reid spoke from his place alongside the grave, his voice hoarse, but determined.

"Emily Prentiss was a remarkable human being. As a girl, she lived all over the world with her parents, who worked as ambassadors. She moved in the social circles of the rich and powerful of many countries…..and yet, she was the most down to earth person I've ever known. She used her early life experiences to help her understand people. And she was so very good at that. She understood the people whose lives had been destroyed by evil. Sometimes she even understood those who committed the evil. And I… I will be forever grateful that she understood me."

JJ tensed at that, maybe just a little bit jealous...but mostly rueful of being complicit in depriving Spence of that understanding.

"She knew almost as many languages as I do, and she used them to work with the people who needed her help. She connected with them. She protected them. She saved them, and countless others who will never even know about her. They'll live their lives, free of fear or compromise, because of the good heart of a woman who asked, really, nothing in return. They'll never know that she saved them. But she did. And, in many ways, she saved me, too.

Emily was my friend, and I loved her." After a long pause, he added, "That's all."

She couldn't help it. I don't care if you don't like it, she thought at Will, I need this. We both do. She reached over and took Reid's hand, holding it tightly. He flashed a sideways look at her, and saw her silently mouth, Beautiful.

When the ceremony ended a few moments later, they all broke for their respective cars. But JJ lingered a moment behind, not choosing to acknowledge Will's beckoning look. Instead, she turned to Reid, walking slowly beside her.

"Spence…. what you said…. are you okay? Will you be okay?" She knew he would be going home alone.

"She deserved something, JJ. Not just this quickie service at the graveside. I don't care if Doyle is still on the loose. He already took her life. We shouldn't have let him take her dignity."

The hurt and the anger bled through in his tone. JJ felt an unmistakable conviction that she shouldn't leave him alone.

"Spence… come home with me. Come back to the house, please. You can visit with Henry. He misses you…and he's sure to cheer you up."

Seeing that he was about to refuse her, she played her trump card. "Please, Spence. I need you."

None of them knew, then, that it would only be the first time of many. But Reid followed JJ and Will home, and, however awkwardly, inserted himself into their family life. Will dropped JJ at the house before going to pick up Henry at the sitter's, inadvertently giving her time alone with Reid.

He arrived just a few seconds behind her, and was about to ring the bell when she turned from where she was hanging her coat in the foyer closet.

"Spence..really? You don't have to be so formal."

"It's not my house, JJ." And I don't exactly feel at home here.

She'd moved from her first apartment after Will relocated to DC. Somehow, the detective from New Orleans had made this new home seem anything but welcoming to Spencer Reid.

"Well…..never mind. Just come in." She stepped aside to make room, and then reached for his coat and scarf. The purple one. The one that so oddly accented his eyes. She didn't know it was the one that Emily loved.

Now that they were there, it felt awkward to both of them. But only because they knew they wouldn't be alone for more than a few minutes. It was hard to start a weighty conversation when you knew you were going to have to end it abruptly.

JJ would have reverted to small talk, but she was too worried about him, and feeling too guilty about her duplicity. She decided to take advantage of whatever time would be given them.

"How are you? Really, how are you?"

He was feeling the pressure of time as well. "I'm…. I'm not good."

She could only stare at him. Her instinct was to ask, "What can I do to make it better?" But she wasn't about to follow that instinct. Wasn't about to make it better. Even when she knew exactly what he needed. Even when what he needed was, simply, the truth.

And so, her only response could be, "I'm sorry."

"Come for dinner on Friday, okay? Henry's been asking for you all week. It's gotten so I think his favorite words are 'Uncle Spence'."

He smiled on the other end of the phone. "And he says it exactly right. Do you know how remarkable it is that he speaks so clearly? I mean, he's only two and a half….and he's a boy. That's advanced!"

JJ returned his unseen smile, tickled at how much he always reveled in Henry's accomplishments. As though the genes traveled in the god-family.

"Well, your very advanced godson would love to spend a little more time with his godfather. So, can you come?"

He hesitated. The visit last week, after the funeral, had been awkward at best. The three adults and the one child, gathered at the table, two of the adults simply pushing their food around. The only real conversation had been stimulated by Henry. Blessed Henry.

"Uncle Spence, know what I did today?"

Reid would be ever grateful to his godson for breaking the oppressive silence.

"No, what did you do today, Henry?"

"I drawed a picture. Of you!"

"You did?" Despite his grief, the pleasure bled through into Reid's voice. "Can I see it?"

Henry looked to his mother for permission.

"Are you done eating, Little Man?" Much of his food was still on its plate, but that wasn't all that unusual.

"All done, Mommy! Can I show Uncle Spence his picture?"

"Wash your hands, first, okay? Uncle Spence doesn't need ketchup all over his picture."

" 'kay!" He wriggled down and ran off. In the silence, they could hear water running for three seconds, and then the patter of little feet in the hallway. Momentarily, Henry returned, waving a paper behind him in the wind created by his body.

"Here it is!" He laid the paper in Reid's lap and looked up expectantly at his godfather.

It was a full-body portrait. Reid's legs made up three quarters of his body, his head most of the rest.

It's probably how I look to him from down there.

The figure had long, flowing brown hair and brown eyes, and, perhaps most remarkably, it had huge hands, each finger painstakingly drawn. Reid traced his fleshly fingers up and down the lines of the drawing, absorbing the love that had gone into it.

When his real fingers touched those on the drawing, Henry enthused, "They're for magic! Do magic, Uncle Spence!"

Before Reid could respond, Henry had run out of the room again, only to return thirty seconds later with his piggy bank. "I have money!" He started shaking the bank upside down, vigorously.

Reid puzzled it out for a moment, and then understood. "Whoa, Henry, stop! You'll drop it. Here, Buddy, we don't have to use your money. I think I've got a quarter in my pocket."

Reid stood and started to fish around in his pants pockets, feeling a disappointing emptiness. Rolling his eyes, Will reached into his own pocket and drew out a coin.

"This what you're looking for?"

"Yay! Daddy has money!"

Reid refused to answer the challenge in Will's eyes as he took the quarter. "Thanks, this will do."

"Hurry up, Uncle Spence!" Henry was hopping from one foot to the other, in eager anticipation.

"All right, Boss. Here, take this quarter. That's right. Now turn it over. Anything seem strange about it?"

Henry, knowing his part in the trick, shook his head 'no', a big, conspiratorial grin on his face.

"Okay, then, give it back here." Reid held out his palm, and Henry placed the coin in it. "Okay, now. What happens next, I forget."

"You disappear it, Uncle Spence! You go like this…." Henry made a fist. "And then you go like this…." He opened his hand again, and feigned surprise. "And it's gone!"

Reid intended to mix it up on his godson this time. "You mean, like this?" He closed his fist on the quarter, and opened it back up again. To Henry's great disappointment, the coin was still there.

"It breaked?"

Reid looked concerned. "I don't know, Henry. It was supposed to be gone, but…." A surprised look came over the godfather's face. "What's this? I feel something…." And he opened his other hand, producing a quarter.

Henry was astonished. "But… is it a 'nother one?" He started to reach for the coin, but then his eye caught something. The empty palm where the quarter had lain just a second ago.

"You moved it, Uncle Spence! You disappeared it, and it came here!"

"Hmm. So it would seem. I guess it did."

"Do 'gain!" he commanded.

Reid went through the whole thing one more time, to the great delight of his godson. But when the little tyke demanded it yet again, JJ stepped in.

"Henry, it's getting to be your nap time, isn't it?" Even though he was beginning to outgrow them. "Maybe Uncle Spence can read you a story. A short story…" she amended, interpreting a look on Reid's face. "And then you can sleep for a while. He can show you more tricks the next time he comes over, okay?"

"T'morrow, Uncle Spence. 'kay? You come over t'morrow."

Reid's eyes went from JJ's to Will's. It was strange how they could send such conflicting messages.

"I don't know about tomorrow, Henry. I'll probably have to work. But soon, okay?"

Henry wasn't at all subdued, since he didn't really have a sense of 'tomorrow' versus 'soon'. He only knew 'now'. And now it was time for his Uncle Spence to read him a story before nap. He tugged at Reid's hand until the man stood and followed him down the hall to his small bedroom.

Henry spent some time perusing his literary choices, his version of perusing consisting of picking up each book in turn and tossing all of the rejects into a pile on the floor. Finally, he seemed satisfied.

"This one."

Reid took it from him. It was a little book with a cardboard cover and a golden binding, entitled, "My Daddy Is A Policeman". Reid wasn't all that familiar with children's literature…. hadn't been, even as a child…. but he doubted this was one of the classics. Still, Henry seemed invested in it.

"Okay, how do we do this?"

Henry laughed, thinking his godfather was making a joke. Then he realized that Reid wasn't familiar with the routine. In a knowing tone, he gave his instructions.

"You have to lay down." He waited patiently while Reid folded his long frame onto the short toddler bed. Reid could hear a muffled giggle in the hallway, and knew JJ was spying on them, and laughing at how far his feet hung over the edge of the mattress.

"Then….." It was easier to show him. Henry reached up and pulled Reid's arm around him, then placed that hand on one side of the book. Reid anticipated his next move, and opened the book up to the start of the story, savoring the feel of it when Henry laid his head back on his chest, ready to be entertained.

Moved, Reid bent over and kissed the top of Henry's head. It was the kind of affectionate gesture that JJ had only ever seen Reid display with her son. She thanked God that each of them, held so close in her heart, held each other close as well.

Henry started to drift off just as Reid reached the end of the story. But when he felt the jostling of the bed as Reid started to rise, Henry turned and lifted his arms to his godfather, wanting a 'goodbye' hug.

Reid couldn't have resisted if he'd wanted to. He bent again, and sat on the bed next to Henry. He folded the little boy in his arms and held him close. Reid closed his eyes and breathed in the innocence of his godson, so new to the world, so ripe with possibility. He couldn't help but feel the poignant irony of that other life, now ended. Once upon a time, Emily Prentiss had been like Henry….young, full of hope, blessedly unfamiliar with sorrow, or hate. And yet, both had overtaken her, claimed the life from her, before it was even half lived.

He realized he'd started to squeeze Henry too tightly when the youngster began to squirm. Reid released him with another kiss, and a mumbled, "I love you. Sleep tight." Then he bolted for the door in a move that reminded JJ of his attempt to escape the hospital waiting room.

"Spence!" A whispered exclamation, as she hurried down the hallway after him. "You don't need to leave so soon, do you?"

He was already at the closet, grabbing his coat. When he turned to her, she saw the grief fully returned to his eyes.

"I'm sorry, I….. yes, I need to go." His voice was shaking. As were his hands. It took an extra moment for him to get his coat on.

"Spence…."

"I just need to be alone, JJ. That's all."

She felt like there was unspoken apology oozing from every cell of her body. "All right. But…"

She tipped herself up and put her arms around him, pulling him as close as she could. His arms wrapped around her, and she could feel his body shaking as he swallowed back a sob.

"It's all right," she started to soothe. Even though she knew it wasn't. It was just what you said, wasn't it?

Reid was less familiar with the convention. "No, it's not. I don't think it will ever be all right again."

He crushed her to him one more time, released her, and left.

That had been four days ago. Four days of paper consults at his desk, and four nights of fleeting, fitful sleep. Maybe Henry was what he needed. He was sure JJ was. But he didn't think his presence was all that welcomed by the other member of the household.

As though she'd read his mind, JJ offered an additional piece of information.

"Oh, and it will only be the three of us. Will's got two weeks of evening shifts."

"Oh, too bad. I guess I'll miss him then. What time do you want me?"