Two and a half laps later, Ala had to admit defeat and walked the rest of the lap back to the complex in a leisurely pace to catch her breath and calm down her hammering heart.
She felt a bit of pain in her lower abdomen and decided to not start running again or do some strength training since she didn't want to provoke another set of cramps like she had experienced only some days ago. They had been horrible enough as they were.
Passing by the training area, she could see how Wash was training the rookies in infiltrating a building effectively, almost snapping when they did everything else than what he had ordered them to do.
The exasperated sigh coming from him was evident.
She grinned.
He never had been one with much patience as he said so himself from time to time, but for having no patience he had been doing pretty good since coming here.
He had been training the lieutenants ever since he had arrived here and if keeping up with their training wasn't a sign of extreme patience, Ala didn't know what else could be. Training them a thing was worse than teaching a stone how to fly.
Sauntering off with a grin before any of them noticed her and would become unfocused on their current task, she walked over to the living complex for yet another shower. It was soon around lunch and she wanted to go there freshly showered.
Entering the mess hall, she could see that most of the guys were still out training and working out.
Probably for the best, she decided.
During running, she had made up her mind and seeing any of the guys would no doubt have her resolve crumble faster than she might hold onto it.
Sighing, she got some salad and some bread for her lunch since she didn't really feel so hungry.
Her nerves were making it hard for her to eat. She was so nervous, she felt like puking just from eating this bit of food, but she knew that she had to force herself to eat.
Just when she was about to leave, Wash entered with his helmet under his arm. They only wore their armors when training or being outside the city since the situation outside the walls was still far from being stable.
The youngest of the Freelancers looked at her in surprise when he saw her walking up on him.
"Already done with lunch?" He asked, since they usually ate together at the same time.
"Yeah…" Ala played with a strand of her hair. Since her braid was now gone, she had started fiddling with a strand of her hair instead whenever she was nervous, "I… I have something to do and I'm nervous enough as it is." She replied, sighing again.
It was silent for a moment before Wash took a step towards her and laid a hand on her shoulder.
Amongst their team this had become a gesture of comfort. All of Blue Team did it, even Caboose – although she suspected him of not really knowing what this gesture meant.
"Good luck, then." Wash might be dense when it came to many things, but he was smart enough to know what Ala was up to. Ala was sure he knew what she had to do.
"It's a good idea to come clean and let him in on what happened." This confirmed her suspicions about him knowing what she was up to, "He still loves you. He even told me that when we were out for a beer once after Tucker got better after Epsilon's death."
Ala looked at him a bit surprised and Wash shrugged his shoulders, "Come."
He pulled her into a quieter corner of the mess hall where they weren't immediately visible. Besides that, they still had another twenty minutes until the rest started to file in, usually announced by Donut hopping into the room with Doc in tow.
When they arrived, Wash turned around, adjusting the helmet on his hip.
"When Tucker was a bit better after Epsilon, I decided to go out with North since he seemed somewhat troubled. It was then that he told me that Theta was acting strange, aside from just the breakdown at Epsilon's shattering." He made a motion with his hand to illustrate it, "In any case, he tried to get through to the Fragment but always when it came to you, Theta would immediately shut down and refuse to talk to North. I suspected that he had to promise you to not tell North, which I don't approve of by the way, but I calmed North down and said that Theta probably had something to sort out and would come around eventually."
Wash shifted his weight to his other leg, "That's when he told me that you reminded him of his girlfriend – yes, he still talks in present about your relationship." Wash added with an amused grin when he saw her surprised look, "In any case, he told me that aside from those missing ten years for him, his feelings still were strong. I remember that he laughed and said something along the lines of 'I never suspected myself to fall so hard for someone after entering the project, since I am a special OPs and loss is even more present as part of Freelancer.'"
Wash sighed, scratching his head, "I can relate to that. You become reluctant to let others in to your life and your heart. Besides that, North is an emotional person when he doesn't have to do a job as a soldier. Him saying something like that is pretty unusual. He usually is way more cautious on what he would say since it could be used against him if the wrong person heard it, you understand what I mean?" Wash shrugged again with his shoulders.
Ala stood there for a moment, pondering over the things she just heard before answering, "I understand what you mean. Thanks for sharing that. I think I understand him better. Although I can't promise this will go down easy. I have no clue as to how it's going to play out." She sighed heavily.
"The most important thing is to try. Give him a chance. He's a good guy. He still loves you and I feel like it's going to kill him at some point since you're rejecting him without giving him a chance to explain himself." Wash explained with a small smile.
"Wow… no pressure at all here, huh?" She remarked dryly, to which Wash chuckled.
"Better you know the standards from the start."
"Right." Mac sighed again, her nervousness getting worse with every passing minute.
Wash again laid a hand on her right shoulder and smiled supportively, "You're going to be okay, both of you. If you try, you're going to be fine. I mean, Tucker and I work, why shouldn't you two?"
Ala couldn't help but snort and laugh at that. "Looking from that point of view, you're right." She chuckled, "We'll see. I've at least decided to talk to him and come clean. I can't promise anything on what will happen after that."
Wash decided to only smile and pat her shoulder once before leaving and catching Donut before he could assault her and make her even more nervous than she already was.
Ala decided to leave, mingling with a group of young soldiers leaving the mess hall just then. She could see Caboose passing by, but he didn't seem to notice her.
After being out of eye and earshot, she broke off from the group and headed towards the living complex to clean up a bit and think on how to approach the subject and break all the news to Andrew.
In the mess hall, York was the last to arrive with Carolina having been the fourth to show up.
One couple, and yet the people in said relationship are so different.
Biting into a piece of sausage he had just cut into, North observed York leaning down and kissing Carolina before plopping down next to her and starting to eat.
Although he felt happy that York had finally gotten together with his love Carolina after so many years, he felt jealous all the same.
Seeing them treating each other with so much affection outside of the battlefield made him sad and hurt all at once.
That same sad feeling was evoked whenever he saw others being happy together, knowing that he would never have that again if he wasn't lucky enough.
Watching Carolina and York together hurt even more in a way since his love was still alive too and on the same fucking planet as him, but obviously seemed to have moved on too far for them to ever have a chance to be a happy couple again.
At least, he preferred thinking of the worst case scenario in order to be happily surprised if things turned out to be a bit different from what he had initially expected instead of hoping for the best and having said hope shatter in front of you on the ground.
Pushing around his food on his plate, he pondered over their current situation.
He didn't know if he was imagining things, but he had the distinct feeling that there were still feelings for him on Ala's side: that she still felt something for him, though he couldn't be sure of that.
He still loved her, how could he not? For him, not even a year had passed since he had been shot and his relationship had been ended forcefully.
For her, it was almost eleven years between the point back then and today.
Sighing, he gave up on eating. North didn't feel like eating anyway.
Taking a sip of water, he let his thoughts wander to Theta.
'What do you think of all that?' He could feel Theta moving around in his mind, but waited patiently for the Fragment to answer.
'About which part?' He asked finally.
'Everything.' North sighed again inwardly.
'I guess it would be best to talk it out with Ala. Only she can answer most of those questions for you.' Theta started, 'At the risk of getting hounded by her later, she still has feelings for you. I can't tell if it's enough for you both to work out again, but there's a chance.'
'And you know that because…?' Drew asked curiously.
'First because I've been in her head and second because I have eyes in my own head.' The Fragment replied, adding on an afterthought, 'Talk to her. Today. You both aren't scheduled for anything this afternoon or evening.'
The buzzing of his phone drew North out of his thoughts. Absentmindedly, he read the message –stopping short when he read the text anew and very thoroughly.
Ala: We have to talk. Meet me in my room in 15.
Short as ever, but it was all he needed to know. He guessed that there would be enough talking done after that.
Putting his phone away, he informed Theta, 'I guess she beat me to that. She wants to talk. I should meet her in her room in fifteen.'
'Good. Talk it out. There's a lot you two have to discuss' Theta replied sternly.
'Would you mind participating too? I guess you're as concerned as me.' North felt a bit lost facing Ala alone. And he knew that Theta knew that.
'I will where my opinion is necessary. You have to sort out the rest.' Theta answered simply before returning to his place in North's mind.
With a sigh, the Freelancer got up to put his tray away and leave the mess hall after having informed his friends about him going to talk things out with Ala, noting that they both would probably not be around until tomorrow morning.
Tucker and York winked at him suggestively with huge grins on their faces and wished him good luck along with the others, who didn't seem to think as dirtily about what North had just said as those two particular people had.
Ala was sitting on the chair at her desk in her room, staring out of the window with her human arm resting on her cybernetic one in her lap.
She had thought about the situation to come many times and the guys had been right. She needed to come clean and explain to Drew what had happened. He had a right of it for fuck's sake since he would have become a dad and was involved in the things that had happened to her right after his death and later on.
That the Meta had gotten her was also partially his fault. Back then she hadn't thought that her life had much worth to it compared to the others and had thought that getting ripped apart by the Meta was some kind of price she had to pay for being the one who remained behind.
Tucker, however, had another opinion on that and made it pretty clear not only by shouting at her but also by shaking her. He almost snapped when he found out that Mac also had this complex along with Wash and that he had to keep an eye on both of them.
Unlike Wash, Mac stuck to her promise to not put her life at stake when it was not necessary and hauled ass into the cave the moment Tucker had called.
She didn't know if it had been for the better or not that Wash had stayed behind given what Tucker went through. Maybe it was for the better since it had forced her adopted brother to man up and show what he was capable of, and he was capable of many things.
Sighing, Ala closed her eyes and rubbed her human hand over her face. She felt tired and like her energy had been drained. Probably because of the anxiety and the knowledge of what was to come and what she would do.
She never had really talked about it with someone else aside from Tucker and telling Andrew of all people wouldn't make it any easier.
Checking her clock, she saw that she still had about ten minutes until Drew arrived. She only hoped she wouldn't chicken out in those final minutes until she had to face her fate and judgment.
It sounded harsh, but it felt like that.
Drew would have to hear her out and then decide if he wanted her back or not.
She felt like she was more of a broken piece instead of a whole person like she had been back then. She had gone through so much, including losing Drew and Sasha, that it made parts of her somewhat torn and frayed at the ends – splintered like frail glass and threatening to fall apart at every moment.
Drawing a shuddering breath, she forced her body and mind to calm down.
She mustn't break down before Drew showed up, because she wouldn't get shit solved if she was in tears beforehand.
However, keeping it calm and collected when facing this huge task wasn't easy. She felt like breaking down because the thought of the upcoming talk made feelings inside her reappear that she thought to have put under lock and key years ago.
Feelings of grief over the losses of North and Sasha, the feelings of helplessness and sadness over someone dear's death, the feeling of overwhelming impuissance about the whole situation having been forced on her from one moment to another and that she hadn't been able to help them.
Ala knew that she couldn't have helped back in New Bangkok since her appearance would have had the same effect as throwing a wrench into a well-oiled machine. It would have thrown North and South's dynamic for a loop and they would have been an easy target. No matter how it went down, North would have died and that made her feel so horribly powerless.
Pinching the bridge of her nose until she felt like the bone would snap any second, she focused on the pain and tried to keep her tears down. She had to be calm and collected!
Throwing a fit wouldn't help either of them, and her bursting out in tears before Andrew even knew what was up would help the situation at hand even less.
Drawing another deep but still shuddering breath, she felt a bit calmer. At least as calm as she could be at the moment.
She felt like back at the digging site. She had been outwardly stable and calm, but it didn't need much to make her façade crumble and for her to feel like she would cry.
Ala had a harsh time back then and had been grateful to Tucker for picking up on her emotional rollercoaster and helping her through it.
Well, this time there wouldn't be a Tucker helping her out.
This time, she would have to go through things alone.
If she was lucky, which she didn't expect to be but somewhat hoped for all the same, Drew would help her through it.
If not… well… then she would have to carry this burden and get over the emotional mess she was in at the moment on her own.
Pulling her knees to her chest, Ala hugged them tightly and tried to somewhat comfort herself and make herself calm down. Having a crying fit wouldn't get anything solved.
Letting her legs slip, she got up briskly and snatched the photos from the nightstand, looking through them. She pointedly ignored the pictures that evoked too many sad memories.
She instead focused on the happy ones to boost her morale a slight bit.
The time that she and Drew had been on a little picnic trip outside the city with Theta being allowed to appear.
The times they sat outside on the lounge and gazed at the stars, trying to see any kind of constellation. This mostly ended in them making up some kind of weird self-made constellations like 'The Drowning Swan,' but they had so much fun doing that. And more often than not, they would fall asleep out on the lounge if it was in the summer and warm enough.
The times where they would be on jobs and worked as a great team together. Oddly enough, they worked pretty well together from the start – they had just clicked. Both of them knew exactly when a man meant trouble and they worked together like they hadn't done anything else in their entire lives.
Then there was the time they once had a rather bad fight and Ala decided to sleep on the spare bed in her office because she was angry about Drew having fucked up. She didn't even remember why they had argued, she just knew that she was angry because she thought that it was Drew's fault that they had the argument in the first place. On the next day, however, her anger was blown away when she saw the breakfast and the bouquet of flowers as a kind of apology on the dinner table in the kitchen and Drew saying that he was sorry.
That was probably the one and only fight they had since they both used to discuss things out before it escalated to that point.
Breathing in deeply again before letting her breath go slowly but controlled, she put the photographs back on her nightstand right beside the dog tags.
Right, the tags and the ring. She would be giving those back if he wanted them. They were her pieces of memory, but in the end they belonged to him – not her.
The knocking at her door made her almost jump through the roof as she had been so focused on her memories just then.
With one last deep breath, she steeled herself and went to answer the door.
Opening said door, she could see Drew standing there with his hand still in the air as if to knock again.
He looked at her, a bit confused. He obviously was deep in his own thoughts too since he didn't seem to have thought of the door being answered so fast.
Letting his hand sink, he coughed awkwardly, "I am a bit early, but I can wait another two minutes if you want to..."
"No. It's okay, come in." Ala replied, feeling as awkward as Drew looked.
They both obviously felt horribly uncomfortable around each other, feeling as though they were walking on thin ice.
When he was in her room, the woman closed the door and turned around to her boyfriend.
Was he still her boyfriend? She couldn't tell.
He had been when they had been separated, but that was almost eleven years ago now.
So, did it still count?
Closing her eyes briefly and drawing in yet another deep breath, she pushed those thoughts to the back of her mind and focused on the task at hand.
"Have a seat." She muttered, pointing to the freshly made bed and taking up her place on the chair like she had previously.
Ala could still feel the warmth coming off of it from her having been sitting there before.
Strange what things you notice when you're trying to put off the inevitable.