Disclaimers: Same old, same old.

Please review! Next chapter, Portland!

"I assumed she was exaggerating when she said her father would kill her if he found out she'd had sex or an abortion," Alex commented as they climbed into bed. It was after midnight, but the crime scene had been processed and the victim was still sedated, so there had been no need for Olivia to stay at the hospital.

"Laura told Elliot that she got home after her father had left, and she didn't know what they were fighting about this time," Olivia said, wrapping her arms around Alex. "We'll see if CSU found anything interesting, and El and I will go to the crime scene in the morning."

Alex snuggled in closer and ran her hand down Olivia's arm. "Liv, I know it's late, but can we…? Just for a few minutes?"

Olivia nodded and kissed her gently, smiling as she pulled away slightly to free her arms for a brief make-out session. Olivia had fared better when they had completed the exercise on Wednesday, and it was Alex who had needed to stop when arousal had overwhelmed her and she'd begun shaking with fear. She began touching Alex, avoiding her most sensitive spots, surprised that she wanted to start again after the previous night's difficulties.

"Liv, I know what you're doing, and please don't," Alex said softly, realizing that Olivia was deliberately refusing to turn her on. "I have to do this. I have to get used to this… to those feelings if I'm ever going to be able to do more."

"You have to make out with me? What a hardship," Olivia teased, kissing Alex on the nose. Her expression turned serious. "Lex, are you sure? I don't want to hurt you. And I don't want you to associate me with the fear you felt last night."

"I won't. I could never."

"Can you please talk about it with Caroline, then, and see what she says? I promise you there's no rush to do anything you're not ready for."

Alex nodded. "I'll talk to her about it tomorrow. But Liv, I need you to trust me." She pressed their bodies closer together, kissing Olivia and bringing her hand to her waist.

—

Laura's mother was still in a medically induced coma in the morning, so Olivia and Elliot met O'Halloran and Warner at the crime scene.

"What have we got?" Elliot asked, surveying the apartment. There was a large bloodstain on the floor, where the victim had been found, but the rest of the apartment looked impeccable. There wasn't so much as a dust bunny under the sofa.

"The table was set for dinner and the plates were filled, but the cutlery hadn't been touched, so we think this fight happened just as they were about to sit down to eat. The perp's chair was still pushed in, so he hadn't sat down yet, but the victim's chair was pushed back at an angle, like he had come over to yank her out of her chair," O'Halloran explained.

"Do we know what caused the fight?" Olivia asked.

"No, but we know where it started. Your perp got angry in the bathroom and punched the mirror, breaking it. We found blood on the glass, and I'm betting it'll come back as the husband's. Then, your guy must have gone into the bedroom to get these, which we think are what he used to beat her." He held up a wooden cane and a belt. "The EMTs also cut this belt off her hands when they took her in, and pulled this scarf out of her mouth. It has saliva on it. And your victim lost control of her bladder when she was being held here —" he pointed to the arm of the couch "— because there's a fresh urine stain on the side, along with some spots of blood and some semen stains. I think he held her over the arm of the couch to rape and beat her, and then flipped her over there to kick her and make the cuts."

"Did you find the knife he used to make the cuts on her abdomen?" Elliot asked.

"No," Warner chimed in. "I can tell you we're looking for a small pocket knife with a 3 1/2" to 4" blade, but we didn't find anything missing from the kitchen and nothing had blood on it. It's the kind of knife a boy scout would keep in his pocket, so maybe your perp was one."

"Anything else?" Olivia looked around the room.

"Your victim didn't fight back. She's 5'5", so if he was holding her here to beat her —" O'Halloran pointed at the spot near the couch where the bloodstain was located. "— both the end table and the coffee table would have been within reach of her feet, and she could have kicked them over, or the lamp could have fallen on the floor. They're heavy, and there are no other indents in the rug indicating that they were moved and then moved back." He lifted up the corner of the coffee table to demonstrate.

"One last thing," Warner added. "Both the cane and the belt have blood on them that did not come from yesterday's beating. See this? It's dried and brown, which means it's at least a few days old. I can try to date it in the lab, but I wouldn't be surprised if she was beat regularly with it, even over several years. Normally, leather belts wear out around the holes and the end that goes into the buckle. This one is worn out in the middle, which would happen if it were snapped repeatedly like this —-" she demonstrated "over a long period of time."

Olivia and Elliot wandered around the apartment, checking out the kitchen, where pots and pans of food were still on the stove, and the bedroom, where nothing seemed out of the ordinary. They examined the bookshelves, where there were multiple copies of the Bible and almost exclusively conservative Christian-themed books. Papers on the desk included lists of abortion clinics and crisis pregnancy centers in the city and stacks of brochures proclaiming "Abortion is murder!" "God Hates Fags and the Homosexual Agenda!" and "Birth Control is for Sluts."

Olivia walked into the bathroom and noted the broken glass and blood where the mirror had once been, and then noticed the small T-shaped object on the floor, partially hidden under the sink.

"Hey El?" she called, picking it up with a glove and putting it in a plastic evidence bag. "I think I just figured out why they were fighting."

—

Warner and O'Halloran promised they'd be done processing the crime scene by the time Laura got out of school and agreed that Olivia could bring her by to pick up a few items.

Olivia sat on Laura's bed and watched her pack a bag with some clothes, schoolbooks, and toiletries. "Laura, do you know where your mom would have kept important papers, like a will or a living will? Right now, your dad has the power to make all of her medical decisions, but it would be good to know what she would want for treatment and who she thought should be your guardian if something happened to her."

Laura's eyes welled up with tears. "You think my mom's gonna die?"

"No, sweetie," Olivia reassured her. "She's still critical, and we're going to go see her in a few minutes, but we don't have to worry about that yet. But sometimes people write down important information, like if they don't want to be kept on life support for too long, or the person they want to take care of their kids if something happens to them. We going to track down your aunt, for example, to see if she might be able to be your guardian long-term if your mom has to stay in the hospital."

Laura nodded and went over to the bookshelf in the living room, where she pulled out a book entitled Fulfilling Your Husband's Every Desire: A Guide for Good Christian Wives off the shelf. She opened it up, revealing a hollow interior and some papers.

"I got curious one day and found it. I guess she figured my dad would never read that book," Laura explained.

Olivia smiled weakly. "I'll give these to Alex. You ready to go?"

After they arrived at the hospital, Olivia let Laura spend a few minutes with her mother while she got an update on the woman's condition and took a folder full of the medical reports and pictures of the her wounds. Cracked and broken ribs, punctured lung, ruptured spleen, massive internal bleeding, lacerations on her back and buttocks, bleeding in her brain, and the word SLUT carved across each of her breasts.

"Why don't we go have something to drink in the cafeteria so I can ask you a few questions, and then we can come back and sit with her a bit until visiting hours are over?" Olivia asked when she came into the room. "The nurse doesn't expect her condition to change, but said she'd call me if it did."

"Is Alex coming?" Laura asked as they waited in line for Olivia to buy a coffee and her soda.

"I'm not sure," Olivia said. "She had an appointment after work, and I don't know if she'll go home or come here first. But I'll drop you off at Nicole's when we leave." Laura nodded. "I do know she filed to be your court-appointed guardian first thing this morning, so if the social worker calls you, you should get in touch with her."

Laura took a long sip of her soda and looked down at the table. "She doesn't look like she's going to be okay," she whispered, her eyes filling up with tears again.

Olivia reached out to take her hand. "She's still alive," Olivia replied. "That counts for something." They sat in silence for a few minutes before Olivia started asking about her parents. "Do you have any idea what they could have been arguing about last night?"

Laura shook her head. "My mom didn't really argue with my dad. He would get angry about stuff and take it out on her, but she usually just listened to whatever he said. It made me so mad. I'd try to tell her that she shouldn't let him treat her like that, but she didn't listen to me. She just told me that when I had kids someday I'd understand. I told her I'd never let my kids see someone hurt me."

Olivia nodded. "You're right about that. What kinds of things did your dad usually get angry about?"

Laura shrugged. "Sometimes it was just something that happened at work, like getting in trouble with his boss or something. He would get upset about politics if he watched MSNBC or the 'lamestream libtard media' as he calls it and there was something about gay marriage."

"The attack on your mom was pretty personal. Can you think of anything that might have made him angry with her?"

Laura thought for a minute. "He always wanted more kids than just me, and they've fought about it a lot over the years, ever since I can remember. My mom always says she goes to the doctor and there's nothing wrong with her, and he always gets angry and says that there's certainly nothing wrong with him and 'how dare she insult him by implying he's infertile,' but I don't know if he's ever been tested. He blames her for not being able to get pregnant after me, I think. I always… nevermind." Laura blushed and looked away.

"You always what?" Olivia prompted.

"I always hear them having sex a lot after they have that fight. It's… loud and I don't know if it's really consensual."

"Okay," Olivia said. "I can ask your mom about that when she wakes up. You've been a big help, but if you think of anything else, you can call me, okay?"

Laura nodded. "Let's go back up and sit with your mom until visiting hours are over, and then I'll take you back to Nicole's."

—-

"I took all of next week off under the guise of doing my continuing ed credits and prepping to go to Portland on Thursday," Alex told Caroline, making herself small in the armchair. "I just… I can't cause another scene like that at work and expect to be taken seriously. And I can't expect them to tiptoe around me, either. I'm supposed to be the 'Ice Princess,' not some shaking ball of nerves who drops the coffee pot and starts shrieking when someone taps me on the shoulder."

"'Ice Princess?'" Caroline asked, raising an eyebrow. "Where does that come from?"

Alex shrugged. "When I started at the DA's office I had a reputation for being cold and detached. For being strictly professional and not letting my personal feelings about cases interfere with my legal judgment. Now I can't help but let my personal feelings interfere with my job."

"Do you want people to see you as the Ice Princess?"

"The people who know me and care about me know that that's not really me. My subordinates know that I care about them and want to help them, even if I'm tough on them. And I do show compassion with witnesses and victims that I've worked with. But in the courtroom, or when I'm interrogating suspects, or telling one of my ADAs that there's no way in hell they can offer a deal, there's no room for weakness."

"What about humanity?" Caroline asked gently.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, in your newspaper article you talked about how anyone can be a victim, and it's nothing to be ashamed of, and how more women should come forward to report their attacks because every case helps make rape prosecutions easier."

Alex nodded. "I'm not ashamed of being a victim. I know it's not my fault. And I did make sure my rapist was prosecuted."

"Aren't you?" Caroline challenged. "Are you ashamed or embarrassed about how you've reacted as a victim in certain situations where you've felt vulnerable?" Alex's eyes teared up and she reached for a tissue, looking away and covering her mouth to hide her expression. "What's going through your mind right now?"

"I'm just… I'm not used to being so emotional. I've been affected by a few cases over the years, sure, but I've never had an outburst like that. It's still an old boys' club, you know. Women are either bitches and ball-busters because they're tough or PMSing because they're emotional and weak. I've always been the former."

Caroline nodded. "It's like that in a lot of professions, but it's starting to change. Maybe you can be part of that change. Maybe you can help victims by allowing yourself to be seen as one."

"I did that, with my article," Alex pointed out.

"In a way, yes. But knowing you're a victim and understanding what that means are two different things."

Alex bit her lip and wiped away another tear. "I don't know."

"I'm certainly not advocating that you force yourself to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. But when I asked about showing humanity earlier, I was suggesting that maybe it's possible for you to teach your colleagues about interacting with victims by being honest about not being 100% okay. I'm not suggesting you discuss the details of your attack with them or cry in front of them, but being up-front about how they can help you avoid an episode and times when you need to be alone or not work on certain cases might help them see that you can be tough and vulnerable at the same time."

Alex nodded. "Maybe," she said noncommittally.

"Alex, you've been a victim of two very violent crimes in four years. You really would have to be an ice princess not to be affected by that."

"Olivia said she didn't interview perps for a few months after her attack because she pulled a gun on a suspect during an episode."

"Olivia works in a male-dominated profession and has to be tough, too," Caroline commented. "Have you talked to her about her healing process?"

Alex shook her head. "She told me she saw a counselor for a while, for cops and veterans with PTSD. And the counselor told her to touch herself," Alex blushed and lowered her eyes, "but I'm not sure it helped very much outside of work. She… hasn't been able to let anyone touch her intimately, and when we did the exercise the first night, I felt like she was forcing herself to be comfortable and then she jumped up and ran away from me."

"What did you do?"

"I did what she would've done. I waited for her to let me into the bathroom, and talked to her about what happened, and then I brought her back to bed and we cuddled."

"Did her reaction surprise you?"

"A little. She had a girlfriend until a few weeks ago, and I knew they didn't have sex but… now I'm worried about my own reaction, which is mostly when I get… aroused… and her reaction and not wanting to hurt her, and about her worrying about me and not wanting to get me aroused and make me react… it's all very confusing and complicated."

"Let's sort through it, then. How do you react when you become aroused?"

Alex blushed. "I freeze, and I shake. Sometimes I say 'no' over and over and see flashes from the rape in my head."

"Were you aroused during the rape?" Caroline asked gently.

Alex nodded and reached for another tissue. "I had been… touching myself before he started. So, before it happened."

"Arousal and masturbation are probably triggers we're going to have to work on, then. What did Olivia do when you flashed back during the exercise?"

"She stopped touching me and talked to me until I came out of it. The next night she avoided touching certain spots and told me she wanted me to ask you about whether her causing me to flash back would make her a trigger."

"Normally, no, especially since you've said you don't mind her touching you and you feel safe with her," Caroline said. "But I think, for the time being, you should ask her to stop before you get too aroused, and only stay aroused for a short time, maybe even having her back off as soon as you start to feel arousal. We can gradually increase your stamina as we work through your triggers, but for now, that will help to limit your flashbacks. It will also help you to exercise your 'no,' as I like to call it. When you were raped, your attacker and then your own body didn't heed your 'no,' so practicing it during any of the exercises will help you start to feel safe again, as long as Olivia respects it."

"She will," Alex confirmed. "But how can I help her?"

"As far as the exercises go, all of them should help both of you gradually become more comfortable with sexual contact," Caroline explained. "But it may be that she dealt with the PTSD triggers but not with the assault itself, in which case I'd recommend that she go back to a few sessions with her own counselor. She's also welcome to book a session with me alone, or come to a session with you, if you're comfortable with that. I might like her to come sometime anyway."