Nick Buchanan was not a nervous sort of man. He had a healthy sense of fear when it counted, but he was just naturally calm and collected most of the time. It was a trait that had always helped him as a cop. And it was a trait that was rapidly failing him in SIS.
He and Jen were using their undercover connections to do a bit of investigating at the offices of one of the Claybournes' clients. Muhammad Hartono was a gunrunner. And he was a nasty son of a bitch. Cold and calculating and cruel. And deadly. There had been reports of people who crossed Hartono going missing and turning up weeks later in a ditch with burns and cuts and mutilation all over their bodies. One of the 'neighbors' brought over some of the photographs of victims and Nick was nearly sick to his stomach.
And now they were sneaking around Hartono's office. If they were caught, the operation was done for. Because if they were caught, they would most assuredly end up dead.
"Be careful," he warned. Jen was going on ahead to check for any secret security measures. She would recognize such things better than Nick would, thanks to her specific experience.
She paused, looking at him curiously. "I'm always careful."
Nick's memory flashed on one summer when they were about ten years old and going to the local public pool. Jen saw some of the teens doing backflips off the diving board and wanted to try. Nick tried to stop her, knowing that she had no idea what she was doing and would probably crack her head open. But she had paid him no heed. She just laughed and told him that she was always careful, and she wouldn't bother trying if she didn't know she could do it. And sure enough, she leapt fearlessly off the diving board and did a flawless backflip into the water.
Before he knew it, she had gone down the hall to disable any traps she encountered along the way. If Nick hadn't been watching her extremely closely, he probably would have never noticed the way she examined the door and picked the lock. It was extremely subtly done. If anyone walked by, they'd probably just see a pretty woman lost looking for the loo.
Jen waved for him to follow her, so he crept out of his hiding place and joined her. She'd found Hartono's office. "There might be cameras, so let me go in first," she whispered.
He just nodded. It was astounding to see her in action like this, to witness firsthand where all that fancy SIS training had got her. Was this what she was learning when she was in Canberra all those months after she'd left home? Nick nearly shook himself. Christ, thinking of things like that would do him no good. Especially not now, not while they were on the job.
"Clear," Jen hissed, indicating that Nick should enter the room.
His heart was pounding so hard, he was sure she could hear it. But Jennifer paid him absolutely no mind. She was already trying to hack into Hartono's computer.
"Check the drawers. Wipe things down with a tissue after you touch them," she instructed.
She was so focused, so dedicated. Jen had always been like that, it was one of the things Nick had always admired about her. She was always so driven. In school, in police training, on the job, and now here. All that ambition that had pushed her away from him had led her here, to this place, to this job, to this very specialized skillset. She was incredible.
"What are you doing?" she asked, noticing that he was standing there, unmoving, staring at the back of her head.
"Drawers. Right." Nick started gently opening every closed drawer and cabinet he could fine, careful not to touch too much, trying to weed his way through Hartono's things to find something that might be useful.
Jen reached into her blouse and pulled a datastick from her bra. She inserted it into the side of the computer and typed rapidly. And before Nick could even look over to see what she was doing, she pulled it out again. "Ready?"
Nick wiped things down and nodded. "Ready."
They left the office as silently and subtly as they could. No one seemed to notice. Trish and Wesley had left their meeting with Hartono a half hour before, and no one would ever know that they didn't actually drive back home until just then.
"You're really good at that," Nick told her simply, once they were safely back in the car. "I knew you would be."
Jen just shrugged as she drove the car. "Thanks."
"You like it? This work?" he pressed. After all, he was genuinely curious about the work she did, wanted to hear about how she was doing, now that their three weeks together had caused the initial shock and awkwardness and sheer terror to wear off.
She scoffed, "It's just a job."
"That'd be a no, then," he deciphered.
Jen shrugged again.
"Do you regret it?" Nick asked. What had possessed him to ask such an inappropriate question, he would never know. Probably the adrenaline from all the snooping and managing to get out alive.
They were at a stoplight, so Jen turned to frown at him. "I didn't want to go. And then I was stuck. I don't know why I did it. Whatever I gained with this job, I paid the price by losing everything else. Of course I bloody regret it," she snarled.
Nick was struck mute. The vitriol of her tone shocked him. He honestly had not expected her to answer him honestly, or if she did, he did not expect her to have such fire about it. He was not sure what he was supposed to say in response to that, so he said nothing.
But Jen wasn't finished. The light turned green and she drove onward to their Claybourne house, saying in a softer tone, "I don't think I knew what to expect with this job. I mean, the work itself is fine. Good, usually. But the lifestyle, the secrets and the isolation of it all. It's…I didn't really….I wasn't really prepared for it. And it wasn't just us, though obviously that was the hardest part."
"Was it?"
She glanced at him, knowing better than to take her eyes off the road too much. "Of course it was."
"I didn't know." Nick's voice was quiet, barely over a whisper, just a soft growl reverberating in his chest.
Jen swallowed hard. "No, I guess you didn't."
They did not talk for the rest of their drive. They had strayed into dangerous territory with this conversation, and they both knew it.
It was late when they got back. Jen took a shower and Nick ordered pizza before calling Matt at headquarters and telling him that they'd gotten the files off Hartono's computer. Matt was ecstatic and told Nick that Steve would be by the shipping office to pick it up in the morning.
Over dinner, Nick relayed the news to Jen. She quietly ate her pizza and drank her beer and turned on a footie game for them to watch. Good way to avoid conversation. That was probably for the best.
They did not share more than a few polite words again until they were in bed. Jen had the worst time falling asleep while undercover, and Nick could always tell when she was awake. It was nearing the middle of the night, and he knew she was still lying there just staring at shadows on the ceiling.
"Jen?" he breathed.
"Hmm?" She rolled over to face him so they could talk softly and not have the microphones pick it up.
"Alright?" he asked her.
"Fine," she replied.
"Is it always like this undercover? The awkwardness?"
He thought he could see her crack a bit of a smile. "This is my first long-term undercover op. But I think this is different anyway. I don't usually have a personal history with my fellow agents."
The next question fell from his lips before he could stop it. "You seeing anyone?"
Obviously that took her by surprise. "Yeah, uh, my supervisor. Used to be my partner in the field. He got promoted. We've been on and off for a while."
"Anyone else?"
"What, you think I'm juggling men while in SIS?" If they weren't trying to be quiet and still for the cameras, she would have punched him in the arm.
He chuckled softly. "No, I mean before him. Anyone else? It's been two years. Or more."
"I didn't even look at Matt till about six months after we signed the divorce papers," she told him angrily, barely keeping her voice down. "There's no one else."
"Matt?" Nick asked in surprised. "This Matt?"
"Yeah, what about it?"
"No, nothing, I was just curious. Didn't expect getting seconded to SIS would mean meeting my ex-wife's boyfriend."
"He's not my boyfriend," she snapped. "Like I said, we're on and off. But how about you? Seeing anyone?"
Nick smiled at her entirely unsubtle conversation shift away from herself and onto him. "I've dated. But nothing serious. I've been busy."
"Yeah. Me too," Jen agreed knowingly.
"Does Matt know?"
"Does he know what?"
"Does Matt know about us?" Nick clarified.
Jen paused, considering how she wanted to answer that. "He knows that I'm divorced. He doesn't know that it's you. Obviously. You wouldn't be here if he did. He also doesn't know that you're the only other man I've ever been with. He doesn't know what you were you me."
"And what was I to you?"
Tears pricked Jen's eyes and she blinked them back. "You were everything to me."
If Nick responded to that sentiment in any meaningful fashion, the operation would be utterly ruined. He knew that he wouldn't be able to stop himself if he went down that path, so he avoided it completely. "I'm sure he thinks your husband was some loser who didn't know how good he had it."
"Something like that. But I can't tell him."
"No, sure."
Jen went on, "I think it would break his heart if he ever found out that I miss you every day and how desperately I wish it was your bed I shared and not his."
Nick could feel a bit of dampness begin to pool on the pillow. Jen was crying. He desperately wanted to pull her into his arms, but he couldn't risk it. "You share my bed now," he reminded her softly, hoping his words would be enough to tell her what he couldn't show her.
"It's not the same. This isn't home," Jennifer lamented.
He smiled softly, daring to brush her hair off her cheek with his fingertips. "Closest I've felt to home in two years."
Jen chocked slightly, struggling to keep from openly weeping. "We can't do this, Nick." She did not let him answer her. She rolled over to the other side of the bed so her back was to him. She shut her eyes tight and begged herself to fall asleep. Anything to escape.