Ch. 35 Mother Dressed in Mourning
(CLARE)
"We brought lunch from the Dot," Peter says holding up some bags.
Spinner follows him in holding two trays of drinks and Owen is holding another, Drew and Bianca come in last.
"Well none of you look hurt or anything," I remark, my voice still weak.
"He didn't even get a punch in and he'll be hurting for weeks." Spinner tells me.
"What about the cops I'm not going to have to bail you all out of jail am I?" Emma questions.
"No we told him to say he was mugged, even mad an anonymous 911 call. He wouldn't dare call the cops on us." Peter replies.
"You want something to eat Clare?" Owen asks me.
"Nut hungry," I shake my head.
"It's the anesthesia it will kill her appetite for the next few hours probably." Adam informs them.
"You should eat," I tell Fitz as he hasn't let go of me for the last hour and half, not even to drink some water.
He kisses me gently, letting go of me but he stays at my side, only sitting up to eat. Everyone looks through the boxes of food Peter brought until they find something they want to eat. There are only a few chairs in the small hospital room but Bianca sits on Drew's lap and Emma on Spinner's. Owen and Peter eat standing up using my rolling tray to put their food on.
"Okay how did you and Jay even begin dating?" Spinner questions when everyone is done eating.
"It all started on prom night, I was dating a boy named Jake but our parents had also been dating and we found out that night that they were getting married. I was angry and walked out, walking to prom in my street clothes. When Jake arrived he broke up with me, we were bound to break up with our parents getting married but Jake didn't even fight and I was upset. Then this guy crashed our prom," I'm explaining and look at Drew and Bianca so they can explain about Vince.
"Vince, he was looking for me it's a long story but let's just say he's a very bad guy. Drew fought with him and then he pulled a gun, Adam got shot." Bianca tells them.
"My heart stopped watching my best friend on the floor in all that blood." I tell them and get interrupted before I can continue.
"I know the feeling," Owen and Bianca say together.
I give them an ashamed look through my right eye as the left one is swollen shut and then continue. "Eli and I went with Adam to the hospital, it was a clean shoulder shot and Adam was going to be okay but my head was spinning after everything that happened. I started walking home from the hospital and then I heard a car horn, it was Jay. It's not like he was a stranger, I knew him, I'd spent plenty of time with him after Darcy's rape. He was as good to me as the rest of you back then. He offered me a ride home only I didn't want to go home so we went back to his place. He offered me something to drink, I was going to say water but after everything that happened that night I asked for a daiquiri. We just talked for a while as I sipped my daiquiri I was telling him about my ex's and then Jay kissed me." I'm telling them and Fitz tenses up when I say Jay kissed me.
I pause to lean up and kiss him softly, he relaxes. I continue telling Peter, Spin and Emma all about that night and the next one when we actually started dating. Talking so much makes me tired and despite the painkillers I'm on my face starts to hurt with all the bruising so the others take over and I only speak when I have to. Fitz and Owen explain why I didn't want to say anything and why I was afraid to go to the cops. It takes about three hours to tell them everything ending with today. By the time we're done I'm nearly asleep, my head turned into Fitz's chest, his arms around me as he gently strokes my hair with one hand. The others continue talking but I drift off to sleep listening to Fitz's heartbeats and breaths. I don't know how long I'm asleep but when I wake up the room seems dark and quiet.
"Mark," I whisper softly and I feel his arms tighten around me.
"I'm here Goddess I never left you," he assures me.
"Where is everyone else?" I whisper nuzzling into his chest a little more.
"They were kicked out when visiting hours were over, they'll be back in the morning." He tells me before kissing my forehead gently.
"How long was I asleep?" I question gripping his shirt a little as tears gather at the corners of my eyes threatening to break free.
"About four hours, doc said you tired yourself out talking and to let you sleep. What's wrong Goddess the others will be back in the morning and I told the doc I wasn't leaving you for nothing. Peter's taking care of your shift at the Dot tomorrow, your mom doesn't know anything she thinks you're with Jay. Everything's okay," Fitz says and I shake my head against his shirt gripping it a little tighter.
"The baby," I whisper into his chest.
"I'm sorry you lost the baby Clare," he whispers back caressing my arm.
I turn and sit up a little, he moves with me keeping his arm around me. "I didn't even want the baby, Jay wanted the baby I wasn't ready to be pregnant, to be a mom. You were excited about the baby even though it was Jay's but the baby was a part of Jay and I didn't want a baby that was a part of him but when you talked I began to think that we could do it. That we could raise the baby together and he or she would never know that Jay was the biological father. Still I didn't want the baby but now that it's gone…it's like a piece of me is missing. There's this emptiness inside of me, like I've never felt before." I tell him.
Fitz holds me a little tighter, careful not to touch any of my injuries as he always is. I turn into him and cry against his chest, the tears just come and won't stop. Fitz brushes his fingers into my hair, kisses my temple and holds me. I feel so invaluably safe in his arms, so shielded from the world outside of us; I almost don't feel all the bruising and burns, almost.
"We'll have children one day Goddess, children of our own that are pieces of us. When we're ready, after we both graduate from DeGrassi, after you go to University and we both have jobs." Fitz tells me.
"Mark you're going to University too." I admonish.
"I'm not smart enough to go to University," he responds.
"Mark yes you are and you're going to University!" I assert.
"Okay I'll apply but I doubt I'll get in. Let's not worry about it tonight, you want to go back to sleep?" He asks.
"No I'm not tired anymore; I'm kind of hungry though." I tell him.
"I'll go get you something to eat," Fitz tells me.
(FITZ)
Clare tells me she's hungry so I kiss her softly careful not to touch a single bruise and then go out to the hall to find her something to eat. I've never been fond of hospitals, not sure too many people are fond of hospitals besides maybe doctors and those people that always think they're sick I forget what you call them. Clare's room was pretty dark because Owen turned off the lights when they all left. The hospital hallways by contrast are very bright with all the lights on but eerily quiet and empty up here although I'm sure the emergency room is bustling. Patients last names and first initials are next to the doors outside of their rooms. Of course outside of Clare's room it says C. Fitzgerald because I told everyone we were married. As I pass the rooms I see one name I could do without ever seeing again, J. Hogart! Sure it could be someone else but knowing that Owen and the others beat the shit out of him earlier I'm betting it's not. Opening the door and looking in I know that it's him, I can tell even if his face is all bandaged and swollen. The other's did a good job on him, his face is nearly unrecognizable, he's bandaged up all over and hooked up to oxygen. I walk up to his bed and lean over him, his eyes shoot open and he glares at me but his jaw is too swollen to talk right now.
"You don't deserve to live you fucking bastard. If Clare wasn't so afraid of you I'd turn you over to the cops and have you put away for rape, for assault and for murder because you killed your own kid. I should kick the snot out of you for every tear you ever put on her face, for every time you ever caused her pain. Don't you ever go near her again, don't you ever think about her again." I snarl at him in a low voice so no one hears me.
Jay looks at me with a menacing glare but he's too hurt to do anything to me. I walk out of his room and continue on my search to find Clare something to eat. After asking a nurse where the cafeteria is she tells me it's closed but there are vending machines down the hall. I get Clare some juice and crackers, the vending machines don't offer a lot in the way of good food but this will do until they bring her breakfast. I walk quickly back to Clare's room because I know I've been gone for a while.
"The cafeteria was closed I hope juice and crackers are okay," I say going back in the room.
"That's fine," she says pressing the button on the bed control to make it so she can sit up a little.
I get on the bed again handing her the juice and crackers after I've opened them, I pull the little wheeled tray in front of her so she can set the juice down. I put my arm around her again as I turn on the TV and she begins to eat. I'm not going to tell her that Jay is in the hospital on the same floor as her it'll just make her worry and make her scared even though he's too hurt to do anything. She eats slowly as we watch TV; the nurse comes in around ten to take her vitals. She offers Clare something to help her back to sleep but Clare doesn't want it. The nurse leaves and a short time later a doctor comes in holding a clipboard and making notes before he even gets in the room.
"Hello Clare I'm Dr. Sterling I have the night shift and I've been fully apprised of your case by Dr. Grimes. The nurse said you didn't want anything to help you sleep so if you're not going to sleep I would like to take you down for testing. We don't know all of your injuries yet and we need to get x-rays and a CT scan." The doc says and Clare nods. "Good an orderly will be in shortly with a wheelchair."
The doc leaves and Clare looks at me, taking my hand and interlacing our fingers.
"You'll come with me won't you?" She asks in a soft voice.
"Of course I'm coming with you Goddess, I'm not leaving you." I assure her.
She smiles pulling on my shirt so I'll lean down and kiss her. We're still kissing when the orderly comes in to put Clare in a wheelchair. I hold her hand the whole way and kiss her before she's taken into the x-ray room. The doctor takes me with him to another room so we can watch her.
"We took x-rays of her head when she came in and her neck as well. She had no spinal injuries or fractures to her skull which was lucky given that she was tossed down the stairs. We'll still want to get a CT of her head just to be sure there are no swelling or swollen blood vessels or anything like that." The doc tells me as we watch Clare get x-rays of practically her whole body.
After the x-ray she's put back in the wheelchair and taken down the hall to another room for her CT. I watch with the doctor as a bunch of images come up on a computer screen, I can't tell what anything is but I'm assuming the doctor knows. When she's done they let me wheel her back to her room, I lift her out of the chair and into the bed before getting in with her.
"Are you alright? Tired or anything? Can I get you anything?" I ask Clare taking her in my arms again.
"I'm a little thirsty," she tells me and I pour her a cup from the pitcher on the table. "Thanks now the only thing I need is you." She tells me taking a sip of her water.
"I told you before I'm not leaving you; you want to watch TV until the doctor comes back?" I ask her and she nods, the TV is still on so I just change the channel until I find a movie.
"My mom's wedding is in a couple of weeks I hope I'm healed enough by then that she doesn't know anything is wrong." Clare remarks after a few minutes.
"We have two whole weeks we'll make sure you can be at the wedding without anyone knowing you were ever hurt. Bianca can cover any bruises still visible with makeup and as soon as you're strong enough we'll start walking and make sure you have the strength to get through the wedding." I assure her.
She smiles, gripping my shirt and joining our lips. She nuzzles into my chest and settles in while we wait for the doctor to come back and tell us how she is. It's over two hours before he does come back and we're both nearly asleep by that time.
"Alright Clare I've had a look at your x-rays and your CT. The vaginal damage was pretty severe, I recommend that you not have any sexual intercourse or sexual activity for at least 8 weeks but 10 – 12 would be better so you can heal properly." The doc says and Clare looks at me with apologetic eyes like I might leave her because she can't have sex.
"I don't care as long as you're alive," I assure her with a grin and she takes my hand.
"You have a couple of cracked ribs which we're going to tape up and they'll heal in a few weeks on their own. There is no swelling or bleeding in your brain or spinal cord and you were extremely lucky to escape head injuries. I'm sure you know you have several first degree burns on your left side as well as a second degree burn on your arm, also dozens of abrasions along your body." The doc says and we both nod. "None of those are life threatening or should have any effect on your life once healed and we repaired the torn vein and internal bleeding during surgery and neither the x-rays or CT show us anything life threatening or critical at this time so after some rest and time to heal you should be just fine." The doc says, I smile at Clare but she looks worried.
"Does that mean that something may become critical or life threatening or have an effect on my life in the future?" She asks.
This hadn't occurred to me but playing back what the doctor said it does sound like that's what he was saying and I look back at Doctor Sterling.
"The injuries you sustained to your abdomen, the repeated trauma along with the miscarriage has seriously damaged your uterine wall and the surgeon had to scrape it to stop the bleeding, you had a tear in the uterine wall. The tear has been sown up however you probably won't ever get pregnant again." The doctor tells her and she goes white gripping me even tighter, I hold her close and kiss her temple.
"Are you telling me I can never have kids?" Clare asks on the brink of tears and barely able to get out the question.
"It's very unlikely that you can even get pregnant again, if you somehow manage to hold a viable pregnancy you will likely miscarry again within the first trimester. If you don't miscarry during the first trimester the uterine wall could rupture anytime killing not only the baby but most likely you as well. Your chances of maintaining a pregnancy to term or even long enough to induce labor without jeopardizing the baby are next to zero. If you do manage to vaginal birth would most likely result in fatal hemorrhaging when your uterus tears. I'll give you two some time and be back in about 30 minutes to tape up those cracked ribs." The doc says and Clare turns into me gripping my shirt and crying against my chest.
There's isn't much I can do besides hold her close, stroke her gently and kiss her.
"Goddess it doesn't matter if we never have kids of our own. We can adopt or something I mean there are lots of other choices now. The only thing that matters to me is that you are alive. I love you Clare more than I can tell you and if anything ever happened to you I'd die. I just care that you are alive, you are going to get better and stronger and I will be with you for all of it. I am never letting you go again." I tell her.
She doesn't respond, she doesn't even seem to be very comforted by this thought but I can only guess at what she's going through. I'm a guy the thought of carrying another life has never entered my mind only to…what's the phrase? Spread my seed, I'm supposed to want to have lots of children and all that. Yeah I've been learning stuff from all those books we've been using to help me study for exams. Well there's only one thing I want, that I've ever wanted and that's Clare. She was pregnant with a baby she didn't even want, tricked by her evil bastard of a boyfriend to get pregnant. Then she lost the baby and she told me she feels empty, like she lost a piece of her. I would give anything to take this pain from her, this sorrow that she's feeling. I don't know that there is anything I can say that will comfort her or make this better and it's killing me inside that she's suffering in every possible way. Nothing in this universe could be a fitting punishment for Jay, for the things he's done to her. She cries on my chest until the doctor comes back in, he comes with a tray and Clare sucks in the rest of her tears and swallows them.
"I'll need you to get off the bed so I can tape her ribs," the doc says.
I kiss her lips salted by tears and then slide off the bed, I stand where she can see me and hold her hand. The doctor opens her hospital gown and then begins tearing off pieces of tape. He tapes an area about 10 inches long and 8 inches wide.
"I want to go home," Clare says when the doctor is done.
"You had surgery a few hours ago Clare we can't release you yet. If you really want to go home and your tests all come back clear we can release you at ten this morning. Ten more hours Clare just stay with us ten more hours so we can be sure everything is well and there are no complications." The doc says and Clare nods a little.
"I'm tired," she whispers when the doctor has left the room.
"Go to sleep then Goddess I won't leave you, I won't go anywhere." I assure her kissing her forehead gently.
Within a few minutes her head gets heavy against my chest and I know she's asleep. As I've been up since 4 this morning, aside from a small nap with Clare while she was sleeping, I turn off the TV and fall asleep just after she does.
(CLARE)
I sit up rapidly, panting and sweating, shaking slightly. I reach back for Fitz but he's already sitting up and putting his arms around me.
"Are you okay Goddess?" He asks kissing my shoulder.
I turn gripping his shirt and his arm as I stat to cry. "It was just a nightmare," I whisper but he hears me.
"Do you want to talk about it?" He questions and I shake my head.
He lays down again pulling me with him, turning on his side so he can hold me with both arms and I don't have to move too much.
"What time is it?" I ask.
"A little after four in the morning," he replies.
"Turn on the TV please it's too silent in here," I request and Fitz puts on the TV.
We watch TV for a couple of hours, then a nurse comes in to get my vitals and draw some blood. Just after the nurse leaves they bring me breakfast, I'm really not very hungry all I can think is that I may not ever have children and if I somehow manage to get pregnant I'll probably miscarry. If not in the first trimester then when I do miscarry it will probably kill the baby as well as me and if by some miracle I manage to carry a baby to term or close enough to it to give birth that will most likely kill me. Fitz eats the rest of my breakfast and when he's done I look at him.
"Can you call Owen I don't want anyone to see me in the hospital this morning, they can come see me at our apartment, I mean your apartment." I tell him.
He grins, cupping my chin and turning me to face him. "Our apartment, it's our apartment." He tells me before capturing my lips for a gentle kiss.
Then he uses the room phone to call Owen and when he's done he tells me Owen will spread the word to the others. As soon as he's off the phone his arms go around me again and that's how we stay until the doctor comes in with a nurse about 9:30.
"Hello Clare I'm Dr. Caswell, Dr. Sterling told me you were anxious to go home. Your blood work looks good and I've gone over your x-rays and CT, I concur with Dr. Sterling so we can start your discharge papers if you'd still like go home now." Dr. Caswell tells me, she's the first woman doctor I've had since being admitted yesterday morning and she talks in a more sympathetic tone than any of the male doctors.
"Yes I want to go home," I nod.
"Draw up Mrs. Fitzgerald's discharge papers Mina and bring them in when they're ready please." She says to the nurse, the nurse nods and leaves the room and Dr. Caswell comes closer to my bed. "I want to go over with both of you the post-op care and follow ups you'll need. The incisions need to be kept clean and dry until they're healed, you'll have to bathe by sponge bath for the next week at least and after that you can fill a bath so long as it doesn't hit your incisions. You'll have to change the bandages every two days and clean it, we'll send you home with instructions about how to clean them properly. The stitches will dissolve in about four weeks but for the next two weeks you'll have to limit your range of movement so you don't pop a stitch and open the incision. I know you were told already that you shouldn't engage in any sexual activity for at least eight weeks. Also your periods for the next several months will probably be sporadic; they may be very heavy or extremely light. If you are concerned about anything come back and see us. We're also sending you home with pain pills and antibiotics you'll need to take the antibiotics twice a day with food and the pain pills as you need them. We've had you on a morphine drip here and once you're off it you are probably going to be in a great deal of pain, there are instructions on the bottle and if what we send you home with isn't strong enough call us back. Alright Clare why don't you get dressed and when you get out we'll have papers for you to sign."
The doctor unhooks my IV, heart monitor and everything else then leaves the room. Fitz gets off the bed and lifts me down.
"Do I even have clothes here? When I passed out yesterday I was still wearing only your shirt." I point out.
"I had Owen go by my place and pick up one of my hoodies and a pair of sweats I figured they would be the most comfortable for you to wear." Fitz tells me.
I smile linking my arms around his neck and conjoining our lips for a loving kiss. He picks me up and carries me to the washroom setting me down. He goes out to the room again and comes back with a bag. His clothes are much too big on me and they look silly but they are loose, warm, and comfortable and I don't have to wear undergarments with them. I walk back to the bed even though everything hurts terribly and the few feet from the bed to the washroom are tiring.
"At this rate I won't be able to stand next to my mom at her wedding at all," I complain leaning on the bed.
Fitz picks me up under the arms so he doesn't hurt me and sets me on the bed before giving me a tender loving kiss.
"Clare in the last few days you've been brutally raped, brutally beaten, tossed down the stairs, then you ran half a block to Owen's house on pure adrenaline which was good cause it saved your life probably but may have also made things worse. Then you lost the baby and nearly bled to death internally. For the next week you are to do nothing but rest and then we will spend the next week getting you strong enough to stand, walk and dance at your mom's wedding." He tells me.
"I love you Mark," I smile putting my hands on his shoulders and pulling him to me for another kiss.
"I love you Goddess, more than life." He grins and it makes me grin despite how the movement hurts my face.
The doctor comes back in with a stack of papers for me to sign, I remember to sign them Clare Fitzgerald. Part of me wishes we really were married that I could go home with him and stay there and never return to my mom's house. I sign the papers and then an orderly comes in with a wheelchair and the doctor hands Fitz a paper bag and a stack of papers with instructions and that kind of stuff.
"I'm going to run out and pull up the car to the front I'll see you in a minute Goddess." Fitz says and kisses me after I've sat in the wheelchair.
"Gee wish my husband called me Goddess," the orderly says as she begins pushing me out in the wheelchair.
"He treats me like one too," I smile.
She pushes me to the elevator and down to the ground floor; Fitz must have run the whole way because he's already pulled the car up right to the curb. He gets out of the car coming over to pick me up out of the wheelchair and puts me in the car. Once we're buckled in he starts driving home, not my house of course but his apartment, our apartment even if we aren't married. When we reach the apartment building he carries all the stuff the doctor gave us and I walk to the apartment because I'm determined to be able to walk at Mom's wedding, by the time we get in though I collapse onto the bed.
"Before you call everyone and tell them we're home can I have my pain pills please and can I change out of these sweats and into one of your shirts I'm hot now." I request as Fitz puts all the stuff from the doctor on the coffee table.
"Anything you want Goddess," he smiles coming over.
He helps me off with the hoodie first, then the sweat pants, he then goes to the closet and pulls out a grey t-shirt. After helping me on with the t-shirt he pulls up the covers, fluffs my pillow and gets me comfortable in bed. Then he sits on the bed next to me and pulls out his phone calling Owen.
"Hey we're at my place you guys can come over anytime…cool see you in a bit." He says and then hangs up. "Owen's on his way and he's telling everyone else. By the way I gave Owen a key to the apartment so he can get in anytime he needs to." Fitz tells me.
"Good idea," I smile.
"Do you need anything, water or anything?" Fitz asks.
"No just you holding me," I respond.
He holds me, and kisses the places around my face that aren't bruised. He's making his third round of kissing my flesh that isn't bruised when we hear the door open.
"Hey no making out she needs to rest," Owen says and Fitz stops kissing me. "How do you feel?" He asks handing me a bouquet of flowers and a large teddy bear.
"Thank you Owen Bear, I feel…okay I guess, everything hurts after walking but I took a pain pill a short time ago." I reply slowly because I'm really not sure how to explain how I feel.
"Drew, Bianca, Adam and Eli are on their way over and Emma, Spinner and Peter will be here soon they're stopping to get lunch for everybody from Little Miss Steaks." Owen tells us as I set the teddy bear next to me and Owen sits on the edge of the bed.
"When Peter gets here I'll talk to him about taking some vacation time so I can stay home and take care of you for the next couple of weeks." Fitz speaks up and I turn to look at him out of the one eye that will open.
"Mark you can't do that, you need that money." I argue.
"Well I'm not leaving you here alone all day especially when I leave so early in the morning." He counters.
"Dude I can stay with her, so can Drew, Adam, Bianca and Eli. So can Spinner, Emma and Peter while they're here. She's right you need to work you got bills to pay, the rest of us will split up the time so that at least one of us is always here with her. I can sleep over or come over before you go to work and I'll bet B can stay a couple of nights and probably the Torres boys. She won't be alone not for a minute and you can keep your job." Owen says.
"You're the best Owen Bear," I grin.
Owen huffs onto his knuckles and then rubs them on his shirt like he's polishing them as he puffs out his chest.
"I know," he says in a cocky voice with a grin to match.
Update next Saturday picking up with the others arriving