Chapter 37

(Madge POV)

I do what he says and I take a shower the next morning. Actually, I even go out of my way to ask that they take me for one. It's just as freezing cold as the one I had before but I shiver with a smile on my face. If they for whatever reason need me to look grateful, I will do it. I will be the most grateful person they've ever seen. On the outside anyway. Inside, I'm beyond angry that I have to endure this kind of torture of cold food and showers.

I wrap myself up in my blanket, trying to get warm while I wait for Gale to come. My food comes shortly after my shower and once again, it's glue-like cold oatmeal but I eat it up as if it were a stack of Belgian waffles drenched with strawberries and cream. It tastes absolutely terrible. The texture nearly makes me gag twice but I stifle it. The room temperature milk is another story. I try to drink it, really I do. But I just can't get it down.

After breakfast is over, I wait anxiously for Gale still. I've brushed my teeth and combed out my hair which is starting to dry. I pace back and forth for awhile, still wrapped in my blanket. I have no idea what is taking him so long but I'm just ready for him to get here already. His visits are the highlight of my day. Most days now, he's the only reason I can even pull myself out of bed. And if you think about it, it makes sense that he matters so much to me. He's all I have left in this world. Literally all I can call mine.

By the time my hair is fully air dried and Gale still hasn't showed, I'm starting to worry. He always comes at the same times. That was our agreement. That he come after breakfast for a half hour and then again after dinner so that I can start and end my day with him. If he isn't here, something isn't right. Right? I do my best to talk myself down, to keep the panicky feeling from rising any further in my chest. He's probably just busy. Yes, that has to be what it is. I am sure he will be here any minute, just got caught up with something and maybe lost track of time is all.

That thought manages to keep me calm for just a little while. Until they bring in my lunch tray. Lunchtime and still no Gale? That can't be good. Something has to be wrong. But what? I have zero idea what it's like once you actually get to be a part of 13 so my imagination has no choice except to run wild with ideas. Is he sick? Maybe that's it? He's in bed, sick with a fever or flu? Or is he injured? Was he doing something that caused him to get hurt? Or what if, what if they heard him whispering to me last night? What if he got caught trying to give me that warning and is being punished? What if something happened because he warned me about the food and showers?

I'm too worried and upset to even eat my lunch. I know he said I was supposed to eat look thankful and I'd planned on doing just that but that was before he disappeared. Right now I can't think about a single thing outside of trying to figure out why Gale isn't here.

How come he isn't here? Did they revoke my visitations? Would they do that without telling me about it?

"Do I still have visitation privileges?" I ask aloud, unsure if they'll answer, desperately hoping they will.

"Yes. One hour per day." The loudspeaker voice rings back to me.

So that rules that out. My privileges weren't revoked. It wasn't that he came and they wouldn't let him in. He just didn't come. But why wouldn't he come to see me? Why isn't he here? It doesn't make sense.

By the time they bring my dinner tray, I'm in full on anxiety mode. I don't even pretend to try and eat. Don't even go over and look at the tray.I try to reason with my own mind that everything is fine and that Gale will be here just after dinner and will have a perfectly reasonable explanation for why he wasn't here all day. Any minute now he'll walk right through that door and explain everything and it'll all be fine.

But just like all the other moments today, the time slips by and still Gale doesn't show. He isn't coming. I believe that now. I can't lie to myself anymore or make up reasons as to what could be keeping him. He's not just late. He's flat out not coming. I lean against the cold cement wall and slide to the floor. Tears fall down my cheeks and deep sobs catch in my throat. I pull my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them, letting my head rest against my knees. This is the most alone I have ever felt in my entire life.

(Gale POV)

Rory apologizes a couple more times through dinner and I tell him not to worry about it but at the same time, inside my own mind, I'm flipping out. Right this very second she's by herself, worrying and all alone with no idea why I didn't come to her today. If things were normal right now, me not showing would only make her mad maybe. But things aren't normal. They're anything but normal. And she's already teetering on a really fragile line. This could be enough to break her.

My sanitation duties can't go by fast enough. I empty trash can after trash can but nothing distracts from my worry for Madge. By the time I finish, my legs can't carry me fast enough to holding. I don't even sit while I wait for them to let me in to see her. I just pace anxiously back and forth in the hallway until they open the door to her cell and I can go in.

"Madge…" I breathe out as I swoop her up from the floor. She's curled up in a ball, choking on her own sobs and all I know to do is grab her and hold her as tight as I can.

"Where…whh..where…" She tries to ask but she's stuttering and hiccupping so hard that her words can't come out right.

"I'm so so sorry. I'm so sorry." I tell her over and over as I rub her back and hold her as tightly as I can.

"All day…" She begins when her crying slows enough to speak.

I cut her off. "It's all my fault. I sent Rory this morning but you were gone to shower and he couldn't wait and I didn't know and oh Madge, I am so, so sorry."

She cries a little longer against my chest but eventually pulls back to look at me. "But where were you?"

I'm not sure if I can fully explain because I know they won't let me tell her about how things work in 13 since she isn't cleared yet. "Working." I tell her figuring that's a safe enough answer. I don't want to make it worse for her by admitting I was busy fulfilling a punishment for having missed school for spending time with her. "I won't be able to come until after dinner from now on."

She nods sadly and then leans her face against my chest again. She isn't crying anymore. Just quietly sitting in my lap, leaning against me. She seems to mentally drained to even talk. As I hold her, all I can think about is how hard this all is on her. It's so far strewn from what she was used to back in 12 and she's already been through so much, lost so much. I've got to find a way to get her out of here. She won't last much longer living this way. It's too hard on her. If they want to see her break, they're really about to see it. Trouble is, I don't know if she'll be able to pull herself back together when it's all said and done. And that's assuming she can get cleared. I can't even let myself think about what happens if she fails to get cleared.

The door opens letting me know it's time for me to leave long before I'm ready. Time passed way too fast this time. She needs more. I need more. "Can we have five more minutes please?" I plead aloud, hoping whoever is watching us will take pity.

"I'm afraid that isn't possible."

"I've gotta go. You hang in there, okay?" I tell her as I pull us to our feet. She doesn't respond. Just stares at the floor. I nudge her chin up with my hand. "Please hang in there my love. I'm thinking about you and missing you every second that I'm not here." I beg her.

She doesn't answer and her chin quivers. Her eyes are so red and tears brim the edges. I kiss her forehead and smooth my hands over her hair. "I'll see you soon. Tomorrow night, I'll be here."

She barely nods and still doesn't say anything. She stands there, staring at me as I leave. It damn near kills me as the door closes between us. I take a deep breath and exhale slowly. Time is ticking away and I am so helpless to fix this whole messed up situation. Judging by the way she was just now, I'd be willing to bet she didn't eat her food today. I've gotta find a way to help her faster. Better. Something, anything has to be done.

I don't sleep good at all that night. Prim is still bunking up with Rory and Vick and I've taken up the room that should be hers and Madge's. I flip through the pages of the handbook desperate to find anything that can help me help Madge but I come up empty handed. I manage to sleep but end up having nightmares. After that, I don't do anything except worry. If they don't clear her, I won't stay here. None of us will. Not my family, not Prim, not me. We will leave this horrible place one way or another. I won't stay and pretend that everything's okay. And then I wonder if even that is possible? Can we leave? Or is this the kinda place that once you get in, they don't let you back out?

My head pounds and my chest feels tight. I'm exhausted and stressed to the max. I run my hands over my face and go to take a shower. It's a luxury I didn't have back home in the Seam. And the hot water is a luxury that Madge doesn't have. I feel guilty letting it soothe my headache. Feel like it isn't fair for me to have this if she's having to go without. God, how did everything get so messed up for us? I let the steamy water run until it turns cold and then I get out.

I find my mother in the front room, stack of papers in hand.

"What's all that?"

"Statements. I've gotten them from every person who entered 13 with us. I wanted to stay up and show them to you last night but I was so tired that I must have fallen asleep. How was Madge last night?"

"I don't think she can hang in there much longer. She's really struggling and my disappearing act yesterday didn't help matters much. These statements any good?" I ask as I take one of them and start to scan it.

"Well, I think perhaps there might be a better way to help Madge."

"Why? Are they that bad?"

"I just think most of our group, having been Seam and not from town, well, we never really had the opportunity to get to know who she really is." She tells me gently.

"What am I supposed to do now? She's in there falling apart and I can't do anything to help her and if I don't figure something out soon, they're gonna kill her!" I shout. I don't mean to shout at my mother. It isn't her I'm angry with. It's 13.

"Gale, it's going to work out." She reassures me though something in her voice gives it away that she isn't really believing it much herself.

"Is it? Because right now I feel like everything's falling apart and I'm supposed to be looking out for her! I'm supposed to take care of her and I'm failing her!"

"Don't give into defeat. You can't do that. It's crucial to stay positive right now."

"I don't have time for this. I have to go empty trash before breakfast." I tell her as I crumple the written statement in my hand and throw it at the wall on my way out of the apartment.

They give me a new floor of offices to collect trash from and I'm nearly finished when I realize where I'm at. Unlike yesterday which was mostly a bunch of empty conference and interview type rooms, today, I'm cleaning up in actual offices. Empty offices because no one is at work yet. Is it possible that Sgt. Matthew's office is on this floor? If it is, maybe I can find something in her office that will give me a little more information on Madge. The doors don't have names on them but some of the desks have little name plates. I quickly dart from room to room looking for Sgt. Matthew's office. I find it at the end of a hall.

Alone, inside the room, I hear my heart thudding in my chest. I glance back out in the hall to make sure I'm really alone. And once I'm sure, I hurry around the other side of the desk. I open drawers and cabinets, looking for something, anything that would clue me into what's going on with Madge's case. A tall, metal file cabinet sits in the corner and it's locked. Which makes me think what I want is locked inside. I grab a paperclip from the desk and twist it so that it'll fit into the lock. It's a simple, standard lock, nothing too fancy. In less than a minute, I've popped it open and I'm able to see what's inside.

I was right. It's holding files. Old ones and new ones. And it only takes a minute to see that there are several marked with red inked X. Denials. These are the people who tried to get in and were denied. I swallow. It's more than I expected. More than I thought it would be. That means they aren't afraid to go through with executions if they feel at all there's any kind of risk.

I look at the ones that aren't marked. The current ones. I'm surprised there's more than one. I sort of thought Madge was the only one in holding right now. I take her file out and start flipping through it. Lots of Capitol data. Reports and stuff. Looks like they hacked into the Capitol's database and gathered quite a bit of information on her. There isn't much in here that I didn't know about but I am caught off guard by a copy of an application for reassignment. It's from Madge's father. He was requesting a transfer out of 12. To the Capitol. I scan the paperwork for a date and see that it was about a week before the bombings. He wanted out of 12? Madge never mentioned it. Not at all. Did she know about it? That her father wanted them to move to the Capitol? I read through the pages of the application and see that there are Capitol notations on it at the bottom. Someone reviewed this paperwork before the bombings happened. They recommended approval for the transfer. If the bombings hadn't happened, Madge would've moved away. She would have become a Capitol citizen. That may explain a little about why they haven't cleared her yet. I wonder if this is the big hold up? Honestly, I don't even think she knew about this. She would've mentioned it. I'm almost certain she would've mentioned it. I put the file back, careful to make sure it goes back exactly where it came from and I'm about to close the drawer when another active file catches my eye. I do a double take and then with a shaky hand pull the file from the drawer and open it.

Oh my God. Is this for real? Haymitch Abernathy. I run my fingers over the edges of the file, staring at it. How is he here? How did he get here? I hear a noise in the hallway and have to put the file back before I can read through it but even still, I feel like I just got a huge break. I learned a big thing about Madge's file and to top it off, I found out Haymitch is here too. This is huge information. Huge.