I drive us to the spot we always light fireworks, and we silently trek down to the flat spot with the perfect view of LA.
He's silent, a few tears still slipping from his eyes.
"I let it die," he says, running his hand over the dirt between us.
"No. You didn't," I say firmly, holding onto his hand. He squeezes mine hard.
"What happened to her? How is she just somebody else now?"
His blue eyes flash with tears, and my own eyes sting just seeing it.
"I don't know," I reply honestly. "Not because of you. I know that."
"How? How do you know that?" he demands.
"You never did anything but love her," I reply. "Sometimes people just...change. I don't get it either."
"We didn't change. How can college make someone a totally different person?"
"Different atmosphere, I guess. Different people, rules, opportunities... You know Jenelle. She always wanted to be something else. Older, richer...it's like she was in a rush to grow up, or something."
He's silent, snapping a twig into small pieces.
"How am I ever supposed to feel okay about knowing that she killed our baby?"
His terminology makes me cringe.
"You didn't do anything wrong," I tell him, staring at him when he meets my eyes. "Nothing."
His eyes swim again, so I slide closer to him, wrapping my arm around him as he hangs his head and cries.
"Baby, what's going on?" Mom demands as I walk through the front door.
I exhale as she walks over. I can still hear everyone outside, except Lexie, who's helping Mom, cleaning up from dinner.
"I really don't want to talk about it," I reply, dropping my bag in the living room.
"Are you okay?" she asks, concern in her eyes.
"Yeah," I wave a hand dismissively, shaking my head. "I'm fine. It's not...me."
"What's going on?" she presses, walking over to me.
"I just said I didn't want to talk about it," I sigh, tired and angry and annoyed.
"Well you're kind of worrying me here, so-"
"I don't wanna talk about it," I repeat, louder. "I don't have to tell you every single thing that happens."
She looks more confused than hurt by me snapping, but I walk past her and head up the stairs anyways.
"Well that was...new," I hear Mom say to Lexie.
"I don't think I've ever seen her mad," Lexie replies.
"It's few and far between, but she's a King when she is," Mom says back with a sigh.
I swing my door closed harder than I mean to, and drop onto my bed, burying my face in my pillow.
I can't believe Jenelle. I can't believe she didn't tell Chase. And I can't believe she flat out lied to me when I asked if she did. Now that I think about it, though, all she said when I asked if she'd told him was, "He hates me." I think she thought that already, after their breakup at Axel's party.
My phone rings so I pull it out of my sweater pocket.
"Hey," I answer.
"Hey," Max replies.
I wasn't planning on answering, but Max is across the country now and we talk whenever we can.
"So what the fuck is wrong with Jenelle?" Max asks bluntly.
"I'd really like if someone could tell me, too," I reply. "Who told you?"
"Megan."
"Who told Megan?" I frown.
"Jenelle. I guess she's been missing her friends, since ditching you guys for the Snob Squad. She called her and just starting bawling, and then Megan asked how Chase was doing, and Jenelle got all shady and wouldn't answer. So Megan put two and two together, and called Chase."
"Oh for fuck's sake," I breathe, pushing my face back into the pillow.
"So this is what happens when high school ends? Cyborgs reveal themselves and destroy the hearts of the men who love them?"
"I sense a screenplay coming," I say dryly.
"Oh it's coming. I'm gonna be up all night writing something from this," Max promises. "I mean, I didn't think you were exaggerating about her, I just couldn't imagine her flipping a switch and ditching her life overnight."
"I don't get it," I agree.
"So have you seen Chase?" she asks, more gently than she's spoken of Jenelle. Obviously.
"I was just with him," I reply quietly.
"How bad?"
I take a breath. "As bad as you're thinking."
"Jesus," Max sighs. "I can't believe how much I want to throttle Jenelle right now. I mean, I know she's probably not feeling too great, but Jenelle's never wanted kids. She's not hurting over this in the sense of loss. She's just...I dunno. I just mean that I don't think making the decision weighed on her."
I don't say anything. I don't even know what to say.
"Well," Max sighs after a moment. "What can I do from across the country to help him?"
"FedEx him a 26 of Jack and some Carl's Jr.," I reply, monotone.
"That's probably very accurate," she replies with a small laugh.
"Oh, so my mom's pregnant," I say, realizing I haven't told her yet.
"What?" she replies quickly, clearly shocked.
"Yeah. I'm going to be 18-years older than my sibling."
"Are you serious? How old is she? I mean, not that she's 'old', but she's not...a 'spring chicken'," she says, emphasizing the old-fashioned term.
"Apparently everything's totally fine. Baby's healthy, she's healthy. All good," I reply.
"This is crazy!"
"I know."
"I've never known your parents to deny you anything. Except the sibling you always wanted. But I guess...I guess they're not denying you after all."
"Yep. It's all just coming together," I reply.
"Are you actually okay with this, or are you just this mellow because of Jenelle and Chase?"
"No, I'm okay with it. At first I was just shocked, but I've had time to process. I think it's a good thing. I'm just...I'm so fucking mad at her."
"Jenelle?"
"Yes. I can't believe any of this. I asked her, right to her face, if she'd told him yet, and she said she had."
"Well, if any one of us was good at lying, it's always been Jenelle," she replies, matter-of-factly. "How many times have we listened to her lie to her parents, or Dean Kim, or anyone. She's smooth."
"Ergh," I groan, hating all of this. "I don't want to talk about it anymore. Talk about something else. Talk about Sarah Lawrence. Is it exactly like Mona Lisa Smile, like we always imagined?"
"No," she sighs. "Which was kind of devastating for me to realize, but I'm still loving it anyways. I've met some really cool people, and I'm also kind of in love with this beautiful guy who's double-majoring in political science and film studies. Which is kind of weird, y'know? But he's amazing. Ah-mazing. And he looks like Penn Badgley."
"Nice," I reply. "Those are a very good set of attributes. Are you guys acquainted, or are you being a little Swimfan about it?"
"Oh my god! I'm not a stalker!" she cries.
I laugh.
After a second, she replies, "Okay, I was a little bit Swimfan. But only in the sense that I couldn't talk to him at first. Not in the sense that we spoke and I started stealing his gym shorts or something."
"And?"
"Well, we've hung out a few times. Like, lunch at school, and a couple times we went to this little cafe downtown and watched some live music and had a few drinks."
"That sounds awesome. How'd you swing a fake ID?"
"Oh, this girl in my art history class got it for me. Unofficially, you are currently speaking to Brandi Beauregarde."
"Beauregarde?"
"I know," she replies, and I can hear her making a face. "But it's never failed me. Yet."
"I guess alliterative names are more popular now," I say.
"Well it's working for me," she agrees.
Right when she starts to ask me what's new with me, a knock sounds on my door and it opens to reveal Amelia. She gives me a smile.
"Ah, not too much. I'll tell you all about the Nothing happening tomorrow. I'm gonna go and score some of the dinner I missed out on."
"Someone just come into your room to talk about your obvious terrible mood that they know nothing about?" she replies.
"Hit the bullseye like a boss," I reply with a grin.
"Alright. I'll talk to you soon. I miss you, and I love you to little tiny pieces, and everything is gonna be fine. Y'know...with Chase."
"I know," I say.
"K. See ya."