Dean really didn't know what to do anymore. He texted Cas that night. He really didn't know why and Cas' silence was expected.

Not a week later, Dean got the papers. It was a punch in the gut. He knew it was coming, but not so fast. He signed that night and Sam yelled at him. Saying he wasn't in his right mind. Dean just rolled his eyes and said the decision will always be the same.

Sam didn't see him cry. He was careful. He knew this was coming. After their talk, they both agreed it was for the best. Well, Dean agreed with Cas because he owed him.

He didn't want this. It was a sign that it was the end of them. After living most of their lives after high school, this was a new chapter. A new challenge and he wasn't ready.

After his meeting with Pamela, Dean just told Sam. He let it all out. If Cas wanted him to get help and heal, he'd do just that. Now, he would just do it for himself. Which, was better. He really should be doing this for himself.

When he told Sam, it was a lot longer than what he told Cas. There were parts that weren't relevant with Cas. It concerned Sam. It took the whole night. They got drunk and pondered over why they had this life.

Now that his life was over, he was trying to get everything in order. Which didn't make sense, but to Dean, it did.

"Did you just stay home all day?" Sam stepped into his house, dropping his keys onto the counter. Watching Dean watching TV.

"Yep," Dean replied, not taking his eyes off the TV. He did stay in and he hated it.

He was still off work. His recovery time was estimated at six weeks and he was dying. He was only half way through the wait time and it was going slowly.

He hasn't gone back to Pamela. He couldn't. Didn't?

"You know you need to get out," Sam said as he walked to the couch and glanced at the TV. What did have on?

"Thanks, doc. The constant reminders really help."

"You're being a dick, Dean." Sam rolled his eyes and grabbed the remote and turned the TV off.

Dean didn't react and just continued to stare at the screen. "Thanks for the reminder, Sam. Like I don't have papers to prove it."

Sam sighed and sat down by Dean. Every since Dean got the papers, he's closed in on himself. Sam was worried that this attitude would delay Dean's healing.

"Sam, I don't need you to monitor my healing. A week in isn't going to hurt me."

"Maybe not, but you shouldn't challenge it."

"Relax, Sam. I'll be on the desk for a few weeks when I get back. Won't be pushing myself."

"That's a relief, but how are you doing? You haven't said anything about Cas."

"What is there to talk about?"

"You're giving up so easily."

"No, I'm not. Cas was trying for years and I was blind. I can't fight for Cas without sounding like a hypocrite. I'm giving him what he wants." What he needs.

"That still doesn't mean you're fine."

"Have I ever been fine? I'm not being a dick, I'm asking."

"Well, after what you told me, I still say you should talk to someone."

Dean rolled his eyes. Sam's been push and it was funny that he really didn't need to. Well, if he went back.

"You seriously want to deal with this in silence?"

"Well, no one's counting on me."

"You're dumb," Sam said and stood up, walking to counter where the divorce papers still sat. He fingered them and then picked them up.

"I don't know why you're so concerned, Sammy."

Sam turned to face Dean, still holding the papers. "Are you honestly giving up? Just because you decided to end your marriage, doesn't mean you don't have anything to live for."

"Talk to me when you are in another relationship."

"Just because my situation is different, doesn't mean I can't help. When Jess and I broke up, it was hard. We agreed but didn't mean it was easy. And Gabriel," Sam paused for a moment. He was still was hesitant to talk about Gabriel. First, Dean didn't like the guy, but also, he felt more than when he and Jess ended them.

"I appreciate you trying to help, but this is different. I did this. I have to pay for this."

"Fine. Do that, but I'm here for you."

Dean hummed and turned his head. He did feel bad, but what could he do? He lost Cas, so what now? He wasn't clear for work. He was feeling isolated and now Sam wanted to help.

He loved Sam, but it was still hard to let his brother in. He spent so many years being there for Sam, now the table was turned and Dean didn't want to be on Sam's end.

"How are you, Dean?" Pamela asked after a long moment of silence. Dean just walked in, sat down and that was three minutes ago.

"Isn't that cliché?" Dean said, finally breaking his silence.

"Not if I am concerned. It's been two weeks since our meeting and you just walked in and sat. Something happened."

"And why do you think I want to talk?"

"You wouldn't be here," Pamela stated simply and sat back.

Dean rolled his eyes. Really, why was he being aggressive? He agreed to the divorce, the help and the sharing. He had to let Pamela know, but that would just make this all real.

"Fine. We filed for divorce."

"And is that what you wanted?"

Dean took a deep breath. He was considering lying, but what would that do? "No."

"And yet you agreed to this?"

"I owe it to him. He wants this and he deserved this. After all I did," he muttered the last part under his breath.

"Now, did you expect this? You didn't seem very hopeful when you were here."

Dean let out a hollow laugh and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I did. When I went for UC, we were already near the end. It was just building."

Pamela nodded and hummed. "Now, I am only asking because I need to know how I'm going to help you. What have you been doing? A lot of people close themselves off after they go through a divorce. I know you are still healing, and I don't want this to hinder your recovery."

"Don't worry. It won't."

"Are you sure? Because from your silence since last time, I don't think you are fine."

"Do you just poke at my problems."

"That's what therapy is, Dean. We have to find what the issue is and figure out what to do."

"Well, don't."

"Then why are you here? Dean, if you want help, I think you need help that I'm not qualified for."

"What do you mean."

"I mean, from what you shared about your father, it's abuse. If we are going to help, I feel like you will benefit from an antidepressant."

"Are you trying to medicate me?" he snapped, automatically hating bringing up the subject.

"It's up to you. I can only suggest, you're the one to decide," Pamela replied simply, keeping her voice level.

Dean really didn't like the idea of pills. It would surely scream the something was wrong with him. He would get pity from people that knew. They were supposed to help him, but they wouldn't.

"You don't have to decide now. I'm just trying to give you some options."

Dean nodded and looked to the door. He could leave. He had the right, but he came here for a reason

"What can I do for you, Dean? What do you want?"

Dean was silent for a long time. It might only have been few seconds. Why was he here? He already talked to Cas and Sam. He was getting divorced. His life couldn't get any better.

"Because I… Shit." Dean pinched the bridge of his nose. "I'm here because I need to talk."

Pamela smiled and Dean thought she was going to hug him.

"Okay."

"Hey, Sam?" Dean called, hobbling out of the bed room. It's only been a few weeks since the hospital and every step pulled at his stitches. It was a challenge, but he needed to push.

"Yeah?" Sam called from the kitchen where he was making dinner.

It took a bit longer to get to the other room, but Dean managed with just a few deep breaths.

"I, um," Dean paused as he stopped at the island. Sam turned from the counter, watching him. "I-will you stop looking at me like that?"

Sam furrowed his brows and frowned. "Like what?"

"Like you are judging me."

"I'm sorry?" Sam really didn't know what he looked like. He thought he was just looking at his brother, but apparently, he was judging him?

"Sorry," Dean mumbled and pushed a hand through his hair. Why was this so hard? It was just Sam. He wouldn't judge. Or maybe he would.

This was such a stupid idea. Why was he always considering Pamela's shit? Well, not all. He was not going on medication. He was broken, he didn't need another reminder. Letting Cas go was enough of a slap in the face.

It has been two weeks since he got the papers. They still laid on the island, signed, but no closer to Cas. The man never texted asking for them, so was going to hang onto them until he saw Cas again. Which, would probably be when he returned to work. And that was still a few weeks away. If all went well.

He was looking for his own place. He and Cas had agreed that Cas would keep their place and Dean would stay with Sam until he found a place. He was looking, but until he was cleared for work, Sam kept an eye on him.

It was so weird. He was never on his own. He and Cas had moved out of their homes and started living together. It'll be an adjustment and not a happy one. But, what can he do? Cas and he agreed on this. He owed it to Cas. When he almost died, he thought if he lived, he would let Cas decide for them and he would go with it. And he was. Just, not happily, but only Pamela knew that.

In reality, he wished the surgery didn't work. He fucked up his life. But death was an easier path, so he had to live and answer to his actions. His mistakes. And it was a long list.

"Dean?"

Dean jumped at the sound of his name. He didn't realize he spaced out until he looked at Sam and saw the worried look.

"Are you okay?"

Dean bit his lip and closed his eyes. He took a deep breath. Why couldn't he do this? He did the scariest thing in his life and that was telling Cas and Sam his life story. And that really shouldn't have been that scary. He should have been able to tell Cas. He was his husband.

If that was so scary, why was this? Maybe it was with the people he trusted. Which also questioned why was it so hard to let his love ones in?

Because you were afraid of being judged, a voice in Dean's head echoed.

Honestly, why couldn't any of this be simple?

He nearly had a heart attack when Cas asked if they could talk and he didn't hesitate with his answer. He'd spent three minutes wishing that he could take the message back.

He didn't tell Sam until the next day and to say he was shocked was an understatement. Trust him, so was Dean. He still couldn't believe he agreed to it, but they needed. Dean was out of the hospital. It had been a long time coming and he had to apologize for shutting Cas out. That was inexcusable. Even if he was high on pain meds, he should not have done it.

The whole time he waited for Cas was an anxiety attack. He couldn't sit still and that was Hell on his injury. He was supposed to rest. It was only a little after two weeks since his shooting and he was supposed to be rest. Except, he couldn't.

He wasn't expecting Cas to just show up and that sent him into another panic. He never let Cas know, but the whole time his heart was threatening to beat out of his chest. Even after he was done, he felt better mentally, but not physically. Cas was right, he did need rest. But, he didn't want to show it.

"Dean!" Sam's voice snapped Dean out of his head.

"Sorry. What?"

Sam chuckled and shook his head. "You tell me. You just spaced out."

"Oh. Sorry."

"You said that. What's on your mind?"

"Nothing," Dean said shortly and rooked on his feet, almost falling back when he went too far back. "Shit." He grabbed the island to steady him.

Sam pursed his lips and looked down at Dean's hands then back to his face. "Dean, what is it? You're fidgety."

Dean took a moment to breathe. Why was this so hard?

"I want to go see Bobby and them."

"Okay," Sam agreed. "We can. Are you sure you are up for it?"

Dean thought for a moment before shaking his head. "No. I do-"

"Then no. You can't push yourself."

"Let me finish, Sammy. I want to go after the doctor clears me."

"Then why-?"

"Because I need something to look forward to."

"Okay? We can do that."

"I just don't want Dad there." And that was the hard part. Pamela said he should talk to John. He needed closure, but with his dad, that was something that would most likely never happen. Still.

"You know Dad doesn't live with Bobby anymore."

"Yeah, but I don't want him to hear about it."

"Well, I'm sure if you tell Bobby why he'll make sure he won't be there."

Dean grumbled and glanced to the door for something to do. "That's the problem, Sam. I-I—shit…" he trailed off. Did he really want to tell Sam that he was seeing Pamela? No.

"You know Bobby and I will do what you want."

"That's the problem. If I tell you, you'll think I'm a fuckup."

Sam wanted to say Dean was the only one to think he was a fuckup. "Well, I can say that I wouldn't say you are, but it's up to you."

"I'm getting help, Sam," Dean snapped and groaned when he realized what he just admitted. Shit. He didn't want anyone to know.

"Dean," Sam said slowly, like he was trying not to scare Dean. "That's good, right?"

"No. She told me to face the shit I was afraid of and to do the things I need to do to move on. She wants me to talk to Dad."

"Oh."

"Yeah. Right?"

"I mean, I get her point, but do you honestly think you can handle meeting him again?"

"You invited him to your party."

"Bobby encouraged it since Dad was living with him and it was a mistake. I haven't talked to him since and I know you haven't either."

"So, do you think she's right? My therapist," he corrected. "Should I talk to Dad?"

"Honestly, it's up to you. I'll support you."

"Great," Dean grumbled under his breath. "That's what Pamela said. The part where it's up to me. Why can't people choose for me?"

"Because it's your life. You have to decide. If Pamela said you have no choice, that you have to talk to Dad, would you do it willingly?"

Sam was always the reasonable one and now it was irritating.

"You can't win, Dean. You want someone to decide for you, but what they say, you want the say in it. Right now, this is your choice. She doesn't want to push you to do something you're not ready for."

"I hate you." Dean knew Sam was right, but it hurt to hear. He wanted to talk to John, but last real conversation they had sent him to Hell. He just got out and every thing was destroyed. Maybe he would talk to him. He was already down as far as possible.

But, he was working his way up. Trying to make a new life. Maybe he would try.

Dean sat in the waiting room, by Sam. This was the visit that will answer whether or not Dean can go back to work, and he was hoping for good news.

Sam was flipping through a magazine, not really paying attention to what was on the pages. Dean was beside him, leg shaking in anticipation. He knew Dean was worried for this visit, but for what? The past couple of weeks went well. He was sure the doctor would clear Dean.

"You know," Sam started, not taking his eyes off the page, but still had no idea what the article was about. "Yesterday, I had to talk Jo out of throwing you a celebration when we visit."

Dean huffed a laugh. He was too nervous to hold a conversation. "If that happens, I'm not going."

Sam smiled and shrugged. "She means well, but she agreed that you didn't want a production."

"I don't want this to be any different. It's a visit."

"We know, but you have to know you scared us and we're happy you are here."

"Still don't want a big deal made of it."

Sam was cut off by his phone buzzing. He pulled it from his pocket and sighed. "It's Bobby."

"Take it. I'll be here."

"You sure you'll-"

"I'm not broken, Sam. Go."

Sam looked like he was going to protest, but thought better of it. "Okay. I'll be back."

He got up from his seat and answered the call.

The call with Bobby was quick. He called to see how Dean's appointment went and asked for Sam to call back after they knew.

It was nice to have someone to talk to about Dean, who knew Dean. Spencer and Henry were great, but it was nice to have someone who knew their history.

This was a time where he wished he still had Jess. Even Gabriel, but that breakup was a clear 'we're not on the same page'. He wished he kept in touch with Jess. She knew Dean a little bit. With Gabriel, it was hard because he was Cas' brother. They would never be on the same page.

He sat on a chair in the lobby, fiddling with his phone. He was in his own mind. He really needed a break from all of this. He lost his own life because he stupidly stayed with Dean too long. He needed to do something for himself.

Spencer was actually trying to set him up, which wasn't an appealing idea. He didn't like blind dates. The idea made him anxious, but, he needed a change. Maybe he would take Spencer up on the suggestion.

He walked back to the waiting room, too invested in texting Spencer back and nearly collided with someone turning the corner.

"Oh, shit," Sam gasped and stopped just in time. "I'm sorry. Wasn't look—Gabe-riel?" he caught himself in time.

The older Novak smiled tightly and Sam felt a punch to the gut. He never liked hospitals to begin with and now the chance of running into Gabriel made it worse.

"Hi," he tried to sound happy, but he was sure it was strained. They really needed to stop—literally—running into each other.

"What are you doing here?" Gabriel asked instead of a greeting.

Sam chuckled, trying to take Spencer's advice. He wasn't going to show Gabriel how much he affects him.

"I'm here because Dean has a doctor's visit."

"Oh, yeah. Sorry."

"You okay?" Sam asked, frowning a little.

Gabriel blinked like he was pulled back to reality. "What? Oh," he laughed, though it sounded strained. "Yeah. All's fine. How's Dean?"

Sam wanted to ask why did he care, but wasn't going to be a dick today. Spencer's voice echoed in his head.

"Healing. If all goes well, he should be cleared for work. He'll be happy if that happens. He really wants to go back. So, let's hope."

Gabriel let out a small laugh. "I know Cas wants him back so he can take some of the questions he's getting."

"Yeah. I'm sure it's overwhelming. Or so he tells me."

"Oh, right. You still talk to him."

"Well, he's my brother-in-law and it helps to talk about it. I think Cas likes it, but I'm just assuming. I hope he does."

"He does," Gabriel said without thinking. He didn't know why he wanted to reassure Sam that what he was doing was helping.

Sam smiled slightly and bit his lip. He always liked Cas and he really hoped with the divorce, he and Cas could stay friends.

"So, how's your day going?" Sam wanted to slam his head against the nearest wall. That was a stupid question. A sign that he really didn't know what to say.

Gabriel was looking down the hall, probably trying to figure out an escape. That's fine. He'll let him. He probably should get back to Dean.

"Slow today. Just started really, so it won't stay quiet for long."

"Mm." Really? Get it together, Winchester! "Probably should let you go so you can enjoy the quiet while you still can."

Gabriel laughed and pulled a small smile. He wanted to go, but he also didn't.

"I also should get back. Dean's probably waiting for me. Unless he's with the doctor."

"Right," Gabriel nodded and stepped around Sam, no longer blocking him. "Take care, Sam."

Sam smiled softly and Gabriel felt something pull at his heart. "It was nice seeing you, Gabriel."

Gabriel bit his lip and gave a strained smile. "You too."

Sam nodded and walked down the hall, where Dean was.

He only had to wait for five minutes before Dean came back to the room.

"So?" Sam asked, standing up and walking to Dean.

"I'm cleared, but only for desk shifts. Can't drive yet."

"That's still great. Right?" Sam grinned and lead the way out of the room.

"It is. I want to be back, I'll take anything."

"I'm still happy."

"Me too," Dean mumbled, but his smile fell. He wished he had Cas here. He wanted to celebrate with him, but they decided not to do any of that. They were getting divorced. Still, he wanted Cas to know.

He pulled out his phone and sent a quick text. "I got cleared."

Like always, he didn't get a response, but at least he can say he let Cas know.

"What the hell?" Cas snapped as his older brother rushed through the door. Gabe didn't say anything but to let him up. Now he was regretting it.

"I saw him."

"Who? Michael? Yeah, I would be scared too."

Gabe glared at Cas and dropped down on the couch. "Don't joke."

"Sorry, but it's funny. You were only this freaked when you were waiting for your med school acceptance. Who are we talking about?"

"Sam."

Cas groaned and squeezed his eyes tightly. "Not this again."

"What do you mean? I've never asked about Sam"

"But when I talked about him, you basically perked up."

"I broke it off with him."

"Then why are you freaking out? You-"

"I am not!"

"You are," Cas simply said and dropped in what used to be Dean's chair. He hasn't seen his husband since that day and he still had the texts from Dean after he got the papers and cleared. He just couldn't bring himself to write back.

"He just acted so… Normal?"

"Um. Okay? Isn't that what people are supposed to act when they are over it?" He didn't know. He literally married his first boyfriend.

"I don't know. Sam was the closest I ever had to a boyfriend."

"And then you fucked it."

"No. I didn't."

"You did."

Cas still didn't get why Gabe ended things. He didn't blame Sam and after his talk with Dean, he understood more about why Sam stayed with Dean. If Gabe was mad at Sam, he didn't have to break it off. They could have worked through it. But that wasn't Gabe.

He's been pushing Gabe to apologize to Sam. More so now that he was caring for Dean. If Gabe saw what he did as right, fine. But how he handled it was harsh. He heard it in Sam's voice every time he called.

"If you are still not going to go back to him, please just apologize for how you did it."

"What do you mean?"

"Are you that dumb? Gabe, he's upset. I don't know what he said to you, but I think it was a lie. How you are questioning why he's acting normal, then he must have acted like… something? He was-"

Shit. He almost said it.

When Cas was brave enough to ask Sam about Gabe and his breakup, Sam just whispered that he loved him.

"Look, Gabe, since you're doing all this for me, I want you to do one more thing."

Gabe groaned and dropped his head back. "I know what you are going to say and I know I have to. I do owe it to him."

Cas hummed and smiled sadly at Gabe. It had been cute when Gabe and Sam were together. His brother finally calmed down. And then Cas would say his was madder at Gabe than Dean. He wanted Gabe to have happiness and he fucked it up for him.

He knew Gabe thought he was doing the right thing, but enough time has passed and he was content. He was okay. Not happy. You could never be happy over a divorce, but Gabe could be happy now.

"I know I have said this so many time and I will say this on last time: you are such an ass. You know I never blamed Sam for any of this. I'm going to…" Cas trailed off. He wasn't sure he was allowed to say what Dean said. Actually, yes. He can.

"What is it, Cas?"

Cas could hear the hesitance in his brother's voice.

"Relax, Gabe. The reason why I didn't blame Sam was because Dean is his brother. And if I had a relationship with any of you, I would have done the same thing. Did Sam ever tell you how Dean practically raised him from when they were young.?"

Gabe was silent. He shook his head. He never asked Sam about his past. Well, he did, but he only wanted to know why Bobby helped raise them.

"Bobby did help, but before him, it was just Sam and Dean. That's why they are so close and why Sam stood by Dean. He felt like he owed this to Dean and he realized too late that Dean needed help. He knows his mistakes. He keeps apologizing almost every time we talk. He's sorry."

Cas paused and looked at his brother, but the man kept his head down, hiding his head.

"He's sorry, Gabe. How much does he have to prove to gain your forgiveness? He deserves your acceptance. You don't have to take him back, but please, talk to him. He asked about you earlier and then stopped. He realized that you didn't care."

Gabe snapped his head up and glared. "He didn't say that."

"No," Cas admitted. "I did."

Gabe felt… Weird. Did he want Sam to care?

"But you can hear it."

"Are you trying to guilt me?"

"No," Cas said simply and dropped back in his chair. "I'm not, but if you're this confused, you obviously feel bad. And I feel guilty that you thought you had to breakup with Sam for me."

Gabe kept his head down. He was so confused. He did what he thought was right and he still did. But, he realized that he didn't handle it right. It was Sam who helped and in return, he hurt him.

"I made the choice and I don't regret it."

"Yes, you do." Cas stared at his brother who was having an inner battle. Why was his brother so stupid?

He has never been in a real relationship and when a crack appeared, he bolted. Gabe would argue that it wasn't a question, but Cas didn't see it that way.

He knew people would hate and think he was turned dumb by Dean for wanting Gabe and Sam to be together. They probably thought that he was nuts for letting Sam off the hook. Sam even did. But after he heard Dean's story, he felt bad for Sam. He was lost.

"I honestly feel like I'm repeating myself."

"Because you are."

Cas glared and rolled eyes. "Don't be a dick. And I am because of you. If you are coming here because you saw Sam, there's a reason. And I am not the greatest to ask about all of this."

"That's for sure. You're always supposed to be the sane one."

"Well, someone had to and it doesn't mean I have all the answers for your life. Honestly, Gabe, why are you here? To me, you have no reason being here. You saw the reason for breaking up with Sam as logical and now you're here."

"I'm just feeling guilty. Every time I saw Sam, which wasn't much, but he wasn't himself and it hurt."

"Then you've never been in a relationship. If it's not mutual, it hurts. Take it from me."

"Did you give him the papers?"

"Don't change the subject. And I did."

"Has Dean said anything?"

Cas paused for a moment. He wanted to tell him about the text, the one he still left unanswered. "We're talking about you," Cas said as an answer.

"Hey, if I have to talk about my love problems, you do too."

"Love?" Cas echoed with a grin

"Not like that. Jesus."

"It must be love," Cas tease and say forward. "You're acting crazy."

"I'm acting crazy because I'm fucking concerned by something I shouldn't be."

"If you say so. It's your life. You have to figure it out."

"Real help, bro," Gabe grumbled hotly.

"Hey, I tried. You're not listening. So, I have nothing to offer."

Gabe glared at Cas and grumbled under his breath.