2015
March
Some forty thousand feet above sea level, Xiao Jian felt Xiao Yan, who was resting her head on his shoulder, shift in her sleep. He should be asleep too. It would be another ten hours before they landed and the cabin was pitch-black and silent except the soft footsteps of flight attendants walking up and down the aisles. There was nothing that held his attention in the in-flight entertainment, and yet Xiao Jian still found it impossible to drift off to sleep. He kept thinking about how he was flying back to his adopted parents to introduce his sister to them.
When he first arrived in Beijing three months ago, this scenario would have been impossible to imagine. In fact, back in December, he had very little expectation of finding anything significant in Beijing beyond the work he would do and the usual tourist traps. Instead, his entire life had shifted and changed completely in a matter of a few short weeks.
It was still strange for him to think of Xiao Yan as his sister, and he still had to remind himself that it was even stranger for her. After all, she had spent most of her life trying to convince herself that her biological family were horrible people who abandoned her when she was little more than an infant. Xiao Jian understood that it was a self-defence mechanism, and the matter weighed less on her mind if she could push aside her biological parents as people who did not deserve her thoughts. Despite this, he couldn't quite help the slight twinge of pain when she first told him that this was how she had always seen their parents. Even then, he found the pain hard to explain and certainly startling. He might have grown up hearing tales of his birth parents from his adopted parents, it wasn't as if he had more of an idea of what they were like as people than Xiao Yan. To them both, they were faded photos in an album, stories told over spring meals and voices in a dream.
Perhaps the fact that Xiao Yan had such dark imaginings of their birth parents was distressing to Xiao Jian because it betrayed more about her childhood than she ever explicitly said. Even now that they were getting to know each other as siblings, and Xiao Yan was certainly more open with him about her childhood, Xiao Jian could still tell time away from the orphanage had allowed her to put a filter in her memories about her time there. She might be able to recount events and actions, but her general emotional response to her childhood still remained a vague 'it was a hard time, but it could have been worse'.
Xiao Jian had to admit, it was hard for him to imagine looking back at one's childhood with such indifference. He had grown up with loving adopted parents. It made the idea of welcoming another member to their family not so impossible to grasp. Meanwhile, Xiao Yan had to undo all her assumptions and preconceptions about the whole concept of family that she had been holding her whole life. Even though she was here now, flying half way across the globe to meet his adopted parents with him, Xiao Jian could still tell that she was a constantly shifting bundle of conflicting emotions.
He could only hope, finally meeting his Mom and Dad, and having them welcome her with open arms, would finally convince her that this all wasn't going to be taken from her in the blink of an eye. Xiao Yan had never confided in Xiao Jian this fear, but he could see it in her eyes, in moments when the happiness and the joy ebbed a little, and doubt crept in for just a second.
Twenty-four hours later, Xiao Jian no longer found himself so concerned about his sister. He really shouldn't have been concerned in the first place. Even if Xiao Yan had doubts and hesitations, her natural optimism and cheerfulness was impossible to curb in the fact of an event as happy as meeting the closest connections she had to her parents. To Xiao Jian's delight, the first meeting between Xiao Yan and his Mom and Dad occurred without any of the discomfort or awkwardness that Xiao Jian might have vaguely feared. Then again, Xiao Jian knew Xiao Yan well enough by now to understand that she was incapable of artifice. She was eager to get to know Mom and Dad, and they were delighted by her bubbly manner as well.
By the third day back in Boston, everyone was so ease with each other that Xiao Jian found himself completely relaxed.
That was when, over breakfast, Mom asked Xiao Yan, "Do you have a boyfriend?"
In the context of their current conversation, this was the logical question to ask following Xiao Yan regaling his parents with an account of the glowing impressions Xiao Jian made on his young, female colleagues when he first arrived at the Lumos Beijing office, impressions which Xiao Jian was sure his sister was exaggerating, as he had until then been completely unaware of it. And yet, the question clearly came out of the left field for Xiao Yan, as she startled and blushed.
"Ah," she gasped, squirming a little, "no."
Xiao Jian could tell that while that answer was technically true – and if it wasn't, she certainly had never mentioned anything to him about this boyfriend – there was more that could be said on the subject.
Mom smiled. "A pretty girl like you?"
"I suppose a prince is a hard act to follow," Dad commented in a teasing tone.
While Xiao Jian was struggling to understand what was being implied, Xiao Yan positively gaped.
At her wide-eyed expression, Dad added, more apologetically, "I'm sorry, do you not want to talk about it?"
"I – well – not exactly," Xiao Yan stammered, "but how on earth did you know?"
Meanwhile, Xiao Jian struggled to catch up. It was clear that his family had left him behind in the conversation without realising.
Mom said to Xiao Yan, "When Xiao Jian first told us about you, we tried to see if we could find any information on you, and Googled your name with the name of your orphanage. I must say, we were quite surprised at how abundant the search results were, and hardly any of it had anything to do with the orphanage – "
"Oh god," Xiao Yan groaned. She looked – and Xiao Jian didn't even know it was possible, or why – even more flustered, and actually buried her face in her hands.
"Wait, what are you all talking about?" Xiao Jian finally managed to cut in, looking from his parents to his sister, still exceedingly puzzled.
"Yong Qi," Xiao Yan explained with dread in her voice. "They're talking about Yong Qi."
Xiao Jian frowned, still not really seeing it. "The...prince? Rong Qin Wang?"
"Yes."
"What about him?"
His parents exchanged a look that clearly indicated they were surprised he did not know. Meanwhile, Xiao Yan heaved a long suffering sigh.
"He – We – I used to go out with him," she said reluctantly.
Xiao Jian stared at her. She might as well have told him she went out with the King of Heaven and he probably wouldn't be this shocked. He wasn't sure why he was so shocked, though. Now that he thought about it, things were starting to make an awful lot of sense.
Still, he couldn't help repeating with disbelief, "With Rong Qin Wang? The guy who came to our office?"
Xiao Yan looked like she would rather talk about anything else, but still, she answered, albeit through gritted teeth. "Yes."
Xiao Jian frowned, still trying to put the newly discovered information together. "You said he's Zi Wei's brother."
"Well, he is," Xiao Yan said, giving him a look that indicated that his question was entirely ridiculous and not to the point, so did not deserve a more intelligent answer.
"So aside from being your best friend's brother, you also used to go out with him?" Xiao Jian asked. He thought his face was sufficiently calm and not accusatory. He really was just puzzled why he was learning all of this now. "Why didn't you ever tell me?"
"Why should I have?" his sister demanded, sounding defensive. "You were just a co-worker! It was none of your business!"
She meant before they discovered their relationship to each other, of course, but for a moment, Xiao Jian felt slightly hurt, and couldn't help showing it in his words as he said incoherently, "None – well – I guess, but – "
"But what?" Xiao Yan interrupted, a stormy expression on her face. "Do you know why Grace hired me? Because, apparently, she thought having Rong Qin Wang's ex working in her office would catch people's attention. And for months that's how practically everybody in the office treated me! It took my hilariously incompetent predecessor and an event crisis costing nearly ten thousand dollars for them to realise I had more to offer than a past relationship with a prince! So excuse me if I don't go around telling people that I used to date him! Not that I ever tell or have ever told anyone. Everyone just knows!"
Xiao Jian had to admit, this made sense. Of course, that just made him wonder, "How did I not know?"
Xiao Yan shrugged. Thankfully, she sounded calmer and even a little amused as she said, "I told you, you don't pay attention to office gossip."
"Clearly," he muttered.
"Xiao Jian, you really didn't know about this?" Dad asked, having just watched the conversation between the two of them like a tennis match.
"No," Xiao Jian admitted. "And I'm not sure how to feel about the fact that you and Mom know."
"It's really not a national secret, you know," Xiao Yan pointed out. "You really just have to Google my name. Obviously."
"Well, I don't make a habit of cyber-stalking my colleagues," Xiao Jian said wryly.
His sister merely sighed at this and didn't answer. Xiao Jian thought she looked rather relieved when Mom took advantage of the silence to change the subject.
"So was that time he came to the office the first time you saw him after you two broke up?" Xiao Jian asked his sister later when they were alone. His parents have gone to work while he would take Xiao Yan on a day of sight-seeing around Boston.
She was rummaging through her bag which was placed on the dining room table and must have not realised he was in the room, because she was startled when she looked up.
"Huh?" she asked, turning around to face him and leaning against the lip of the table. "Oh, are we back to this?"
She sounded a lot less on edge that she did earlier, but Xiao Jian felt the need to add, "Don't be angry. I'm really kind of just curious. We don't have to talk about it."
"Normal people would just Google," she said challengingly.
He smiled. "Yes, but if I don't cyber-stalk my colleagues, I definitely don't do it to my sister, either."
"I guess I should be glad that you're actually asking me," she admitted with a sigh. "As I said before, people do tend to just assume they know everything about us. And no, that time he came to the office was not the first time we saw each other since we broke up."
"But it was soon enough after the break up that the idea of him coming at all clearly made you uncomfortable," Xiao Jian pointed out.
She laughed, shaking her head. "God, no. By the time he came to the office, we've been broken up for over a year already. It wasn't the fact that he was coming that made me feel uncomfortable. It was the fact that everyone clearly expected me to be uncomfortable that made it uncomfortable, and also because it would put me right back where I started with everyone. I mean, get that at a certain point, after everyone got to know me, they did begin to like me for me, but still, some people are less successful at curbing their curiosity about Yong Qi than others. I guess, I do understand how from the outside, it can seem like an intriguing story, but when you're me or him, it's just annoying and wearying to know that people will be talking about you behind your back. It's not even that they'd say anything malicious. It's just the whole being talked about thing that is tiring. I do admit that I was glad that you were so oblivious for so long. It was a nice change because then I knew for sure that at no point did your treatment of me depend on who I used to go out with. It's not his fault. The excess of people nosing into business that doesn't concern them really just comes with being who he is. Honestly, I knew more or less what I was getting into when I allowed myself to get involved with him. But just because you know how something is going to be doesn't always mean you know how you will deal with it when it happens to you."
"You sound like you regret the whole thing," he said.
She had ended her last sentence with a sigh that was simply melancholic, and Xiao Jian couldn't help feeling concerned. He wasn't even sure why. After all, she made it clear that the relationship was over. And yet, it was intriguing that despite this, she didn't sound and certainly didn't act bitter towards Yong Qi. She admitted herself that it was difficult to take herself completely away from his company. Everything he had been told so far made Xiao Jian wonder if it was all as over as Xiao Yan would have him believe.
"I don't," Xiao Yan answered, shrugging. "We're still friends, as you can probably tell when he came to visit."
"Yes, I could tell," Xiao Jian said. "Well, now, looking back, I can. He was practically flirting with you."
His sister laughed. "He really was not."
"Xiao Yan, he really was," he countered with mock seriousness.
She simply shrugged noncommittally and didn't comment.
"So why did you break up?" Xiao Jian asked, unable to curb his curiosity.
She hesitated a little, as if trying to weigh her words before speaking. "The world was suddenly talking about us getting married," she said slowly. "I was twenty-three."
He frowned. "So you ended it because you didn't want to marry him?"
"He ended it."
His frown couldn't help but deepen. "Because you didn't want to marry him?" he asked, a little more sharply than he intended.
She clearly recognised that he was about to become very indignant at Yong Qi, because her voice held a deliberate soothing tone as she answered, "No, of course not." She paused and looked deep in thoughts for a long moment, before admitting, "And I didn't say I didn't want to marry him."
One of Xiao Jian's eyebrows rose in astonishment, but he felt that she wanted him to stay silent. They had known each other for such a short time. This wasn't something he could ask her to confide in him. She had to volunteer to trust him with the secrets of her heart.
Finally, after long deliberation, she sighed. "It really just wasn't the right time for either of us. The thing is, being with him requires taking…precautions and being careful all the time, lest you become a source of ridicule which would then be reported on the front page of every newspaper in the country to be judged by a billion people. Back then, when I saw that everyone was practically taking bets on when we were going to get married, I realised that I also didn't want to look back at my twenties and see that it was spent being cautious and being scrutinised."
She paused for breath, and Xiao Jian had to admit, as little as he knew about the details of her relationship with Yong Qi, she was making a lot of sense so far. Even after spending over three months in Beijing, Xiao Jian still couldn't manage to wrap his head around what life as a royal must be like, let alone the fact that his own sister was apparently once deeply involved in such a life. She still was involved, even if only to a lesser extent, if what she had divulged so far and the way she and Yong Qi treated each other during his visit were any indications.
"Basically, until we broke up, I could divide my life into two stages," Xiao Yan continued. "One was the childhood at the orphanage where I was under constant surveillance and in the control of others, and the second was being with Yong Qi, where I was under constant surveillance anyway and in the control of his family's world, his family's way of life. I didn't really know what it was like to live the way I wanted to live. I think Yong Qi saw all that, which was why he broke it off. Because honestly, it was only to pre-empt me from doing the same, not necessarily because he wanted the last word, but because if I had to admit that being with him wasn't enough, it might have hurt us both even more. It was simpler, to just say that his duties were preventing us from actually having any time together. That was true, too, but we had been working around that for a long time. We could have managed. But in some ways, it was better to break it off and miss each other than stay together but not actually be together and resenting each other for it."
There was a tinge of wistfulness in her voice, and that was when Xiao Jian realised his sister really was not as over the prince as she was trying to convey. Even Xiao Jian, who did not know her as well as both of them would like, could tell that there was a distinct difference – a softer, savouring tone – in the way she said Yong Qi's name. Was she conscious of this, or was it simply a habit that she never managed to break? Xiao Jian wondered if it was because she lacked resolve, or if it was just because she didn't want to break the habit at all.
One thing was for sure, though, he was rather surprised she had shared this much with him. Even as he voiced his curiosity, he had been entirely prepared for her to shut down the subject altogether. Perhaps because she had volunteered to share with him so much of her feelings, he didn't have the heart to force her to dwell on what was undoubtedly an uncomfortable for much longer. So before Xiao Yan could become too lost in thought, Xiao Jian deliberately looked down at his watch and said with a smile, "It's getting late. Come on, didn't you say you wanted to see the harbour?"
Apparently, Xiao Yan was not to dwelling on negative things, because at the reminder, she immediately grinned widely and zipped her bag shut. "Yes, let's go!"
Mid-morning, they did a pit-stop at a coffee shop by India Wharf. As they waited for their coffee, Xiao Yan was so effusive in her delight with the wisteria-draped pergola of Christopher Columbus Waterfront Park that they almost missed their orders being called. She was only distracted when they got to the counter and picked up their take-away lattes.
"Why does your cup say Becky?" she asked, squinting at the name on the cup her brother was starting to bring to his lips.
Xiao Jian hastily held the cup away and turned it his hand to look at the name.
Before he could answer, someone behind them said, in Mandarin, "Because that's mine."
Both of them turned around, and while Xiao Yan startled at the sight of the person in front of her, "Becky" simply held out the cup she was holding to Xiao Jian.
"I think this one's yours?" she asked.
"Oh, yes," Xiao Jian answered, smiling, switching cups with her. "I promised I haven't taken a drink from that one. Sorry for picking it up by mistake."
"It's all right." Then she turned to smile at Xiao Yan. "Hi, fancy running into you here."
Xiao Yan, who had been staring, amazed, all this time, could only ask in confusion, "Becky?"
Qing Er laughed. "It's a coffee name. It's too complicated trying to use my real name for coffee orders."
Granted, by now, Xiao Yan had figured it out too. Realising that they were standing in the middle of the coffee shop and causing some disturbance to the flow of traffic, the three of them started moving together towards a table.
As they walked, Xiao Jian asked, looking curiously from one to the other, "You two know each other?"
"Erm…yes," Xiao Yan said slowly. She suddenly realised that there was no easy way to explain what her relationship was with either Xiao Jian or Qing Er to the other. "This is Qing Er. She's…"
Xiao Yan's mind went blank.
"Friend of a friend?" Qing Er suggested archly, laughing.
"That'll do," Xiao Yan said, grinning back. "Qing Er, this is Xiao Jian, my…friend."
The brief flash in Qing Er's eyes told Xiao Yan that she didn't entirely believe the "friend" part, but it wasn't like Xiao Yan was ready to tell her the real relationship yet. She was thankful that Qing Er simply outwardly took her at her words and smiled in greeting at Xiao Jian as they three of them sat down on a table.
"So, Xiao Yan, what brings you to this side of the world?" Qing Er asked.
"Oh, you know, taking a vacation. You?"
"I live here, remember?"
"Still? I thought you'd moved back…"
"No," Qing Er said, smiling, "that was just for a visit. I'm still working here for the time being. So you two are touring the harbour? Do you want me to give you some ideas of things to see?"
"Actually, Xiao Jian lives here too, so I'm set," Xiao Yan said, patting her brother's arm.
She did find it a little strange that her brother, who as far as she could tell, usually has no problem talking to anyone, had been curiously silent so far. The feeling abated a little when they started talking about the places that he did manage to take Xiao Yan to see that morning, because then Xiao Jian did eventually end up being a little more animated. The conversation was interrupted some ten minutes later when his phone rang and he stepped away from their table to take the call.
Now alone, Qing Er turned to Xiao Yan and said, "Thanks, by the way."
"For what?"
"For…not divulging the whole of who I am," Qing Er said, running her finger around the lid of her coffee cup. Then, she added a little defensively, "Not that I'm trying to be a snob about it but – "
" – it's not something that you'd tell just anyone over here," Xiao Yan finished for her. "I get it, Qing Er, really. It's not like you choose to live half way across the world just to be treated with the same scrutiny that you get back home."
Qing Er looked towards where Xiao Jian was standing a little distance away. "So, he's just a friend, huh?"
The implication was clear in her voice and the way she turned back to look at Xiao Yan with amused eyes.
"Yes," Xiao Yan replied resolutely.
Qing Er laughed. "I'm not going to gossip about you to Yong Qi, Xiao Yan."
Xiao Yan sighed. "Would you believe me if I told you this has nothing to do with Yong Qi?"
"Of course!" Qing Er said. "After all, he let you go. Which I get why, but honestly it's his loss."
"Xiao Jian's not my boyfriend," Xiao Yan said.
She wasn't sure whether Qing Er really believed her or not; it was hard to tell by her expression either way. It was even harder to judge when Qing Er merely nodded at the statement, then changed the subject.
"So how much longer are you going to be in Boston?"
"Just for another week or so," Xiao Yan answered. "I have to return to work anyway. I think we're heading to the Aquarium next. Do you want to join us?"
"I'd love to, but I'm actually meeting someone for lunch in a bit." Qing Er pulled out her phone to check the time. "I should actually go, or I'll be late for that."
"Of course, don't let me keep you," Xiao Yan said.
"It was great running into you. I might see you in Beijing, soon actually."
"Really?"
"Yeah, I'm flying home day after next for an event, so maybe we might run into each other. But anyway, for now, I hope you have a good time seeing the sights and everything."
"Thanks," Xiao Yan said, grinning. "Have a nice day, and hopefully see you in Beijing."
There was a quick smile, then Qing Er was gone, leaving Xiao Yan to wait for her brother to return.
"Where did Qing Er go?" he asked when he came and saw just Xiao Yan at the table.
"She had something to get to," Xiao Yan said. Then, before her brother could sit back down, she stood up. "Should we get going? The Aquarium awaits."
Xiao Jian laughed at her enthusiasm. "Sure, let's go."
Zi Wei to Xiao Yan
16:52 CST
Have you told Yong Qi about Xiao Jian?
Xiao Yan to Zi Wei
8:12 EST
No.
I don't know how to tell him.
Zi Wei to Xiao Yan
21:14 CST
Do you want to tell him?
Xiao Yan to Zi Wei
8:16 EST
I guess.
I don't know.
I mean, isn't it just kind of weird to call him up to tell him something like this?
Zi Wei to Xiao Yan
21:17 CST
Why is it weird?
Xiao Yan to Zi Wei
8:19 EST
That's like assuming or expecting him to care.
Zi Wei to Xiao Yan
21:20 CST
He does care about you, Xiao Yan.
Xiao Yan to Zi Wei
8:21 EST
I know. I'm not trying to imply he doesn't.
It's just we're in this weird limbo.
This is a huge piece of news.
News that significant people in my life should know.
But Yong Qi is
In an odd place for me.
I mean, to say that he's not significant is not true.
But to simply call him up and tell him something this huge is
Weird
I can't think of another word to describe it.
Zi Wei to Xiao Yan
21:28 CST
I suppose that would be because you're thinking of telling him as telling your ex-boyfriend about a life-changing turn of event.
I mean, short of telling him you're marrying someone else, there are certainly few things more awkward.
What if you were to just envision it as telling me, or Liu Qing and Liu Hong or Han Xiang?
Xiao Yan to Zi Wei
8:33 EST
It's one thing to tell myself that but reality is a different thing, Zi Wei.
Unless you want to tell him for me?
Zi Wei to Xiao Yan
21:33 CST
Certainly not.
Xiao Yan to Zi Wei
8:34 EST
I guess I saw that coming.
I never thought I'd see the day I miss when newspaper would print stories about me, you know?
I wish they would just print something that he can just read so I don't have to tell him.
Xiao Yan to Zi Wei
8:42 EST
Zi Wei? You still there? Or have you fallen asleep?
Zi Wei to Xiao Yan
21:43 CST
I'm still here. I couldn't answer for a moment because I was too busy laughing.
Xiao Yan to Zi Wei
8:43 EST
Laughing?
Zi Wei to Xiao Yan
21:44 CST
Yes.
I'm guessing you haven't seen the articles or the photos.
I can't blame you. You have more important things to do over there.
Xiao Yan to Zi Wei
8:46 EST
What are you talking about?
Zi Wei to Xiao Yan
21:47 CST
There were plenty of "news" articles about you and Xiao Jian.
They're just not particularly accurate.
Before you ask, Yong Qi has seen them.
Xiao Yan to Zi Wei
8:50 EST
How not accurate?
And how are there articles? How did they know?
Zi Wei to Xiao Yan
21:51 CST
Speculations could not be more off the mark.
Basically someone snapped photos of you and Xiao Jian at the airport.
Queue everyone on the internet thinking you're off for an expensive holiday in America with your new lover.
Xiao Yan to Zi Wei
8:52 EST
WHAT
REALLY?
Zi Wei to Xiao Yan
21:53 CST
Really.
Thought honestly with the information everyone else has, it's not an illogical conclusion to draw.
Especially considering how chummy you and Xiao Jian were looking.
Xiao Yan to Zi Wei
8:54 EST
Urgh.
What should I do?
Zi Wei to Xiao Yan
21:56 CST
About the articles?
Nothing?
I mean, what can you do?
You're not under any obligation to tell the world anything.
But that's partly why I asked if you've told Yong Qi about Xiao Jian.
He has seen the articles speculating Xiao Jian being your new boyfriend.
I tried to tell him in a really round-a-about way that there was no basis for it.
I think he kind of believes me.
Or not, I'm not really sure.
Anyway I think he'd be relieved to hear from you.
Xiao Yan to Zi Wei
8:57 EST
Why?
Why does it matter to him?
Zi Wei to Xiao Yan
21:58 CST
Just so you know I'm holding back as derisive a scoff as I could muster.
Of course it matters to him.
Whatever the two of you insist about the fact that you're not together any longer
Neither of you can deny that it would break your heart if the other were in that kind of serious relationship with someone else.
You can't tell me you seriously believe Yong Qi doesn't love you anymore.
And at least don't deny your feelings to yourself, Xiao Yan.
Zi Wei to Xiao Yan
22:07 CST
Xiao Yan?
Xiao Yan to Zi Wei
9:10 EST
I just wish things were less complicated.
Zi Wei to Xiao Yan
22:11 CST
I know.
Xiao Yan to Zi Wei
9:12 EST
So you think I should call him?
Zi Wei to Xiao Yan
22:12 CST
Yes.
Xiao Yan to Zi Wei
9:13 EST
Should I wait until we see each other face to face instead?
Zi Wei to Xiao Yan
22:14 CST
Who knows when that is going to be?
He's going to be in Europe for another couple of weeks anyway.
When are you planning to come back home?
Or are you?
Xiao Yan to Zi Wei
9:16 EST
Of course I am.
I fly back on the 3rd.
Zi Wei to Xiao Yan
22:17 CST
I think Yong Qi's flying back on the 5th.
Honestly? I think a phone conversation might be the easier way.
Of course I guess that means you might have to try and figure out time zones and his schedule.
But his schedule is pretty free during the weekend so try that.
Or you could just wait until you both are in Beijing.
But I just think that might just end up being procrastination that would then bring on more procrastination.
Xiao Yan to Zi Wei
9:20 EST
We are not that bad at speaking to each other.
Zi Wei to Xiao Yan
22:21 CST
Sometimes you really could fool me.
I'm just saying, consider it, Xiao Yan.
Xiao Yan to Zi Wei
9:22 EST
Okay, I guess I will.
I have to go, talk to you later, okay?
Zi Wei to Xiao Yan
22:23 CST
Yeah I'm off to bed in a bit as well.
Good night.
Xiao Yan to Zi Wei
9:24 EST
Night.
Xiao Yan put off contacting Yong Qi by any mean for nearly a week, but couldn't extend the effort longer than that because he ended up calling her first.
"I thought you might want to know how my meeting with Lumos UK went today," he told her. "And it really was very enlightening."
Xiao Yan laughed. "Really? 'Englightening'?"
"The pun was unintentional."
"Appropriate, certainly."
"I suppose, yes," Yong Qi said, chuckling. "Anyway, I met with the Board of Directors, and later with the team at the UK head office. I suppose, I should tell you at this point that I actually meant what I said when I was at your office about a possible partnership program between the Empress Foundation and Lumos Beijing. Back to the point, which is in my meeting with the UK team, there was quite a bit of time devoted to discussing a program they have in Eastern Europe – sponsor a child – and the possibilities of that being applied in China. Of course, actual, in-depth talks about the feasibility of that would have to be a conversation to have with your office. Who would we contact to get a start on that from your end, anyway?"
"Uh…that would actually be me," Xiao Yan said.
"Oh." He sounded slightly surprised but recovered quickly. "I guess I'll ask the Foundation to email you then - ?"
"Well, I'm on leave until the end of the week, so they should probably just email and copy in Ming Yue and Cai Xia. I suppose it's not urgent, though?"
"Of course, no. It's just an idea. Actually, I might wait until I get back to Beijing to talk to my people before coming to you with anything. But if it is you we'd be working with, then could we talk about it a little now?"
"Sure, okay."
As they talked about a potentially new endeavour for both their organisations, Xiao Yan couldn't help being overcome by the strangest feeling. Were they destined to try out every combination of relationship that could occur between them? After being friends, then being together, then being in the weird no man's land of friendly exes, was it inevitably time for them to try out being…what was this budding relationship? Collaborators? Business partners? She wasn't sure.
As their shop talk dwindled down, it was clear that the confusing multitude of relationships between them was on his mind too, as he asked in a tone that tried to sound casual but failed miserably, "So, you're not at work this week?"
"I know you know I'm not, Yong Qi," she said bluntly. "Don't play dumb. It's not nice."
The silence on his end of the line must only be a couple of seconds, but it felt like a life time, before he finally posed another question. "How is that?"
"How is what?"
"Your holiday, or whatever the reason is that you're on leave."
Xiao Yan snorted. "I can't believe our country's Ministry of Foreign Affairs is trusting you to take a diplomatic tour of Europe when you are proving right now that you have the subtle point of a hammer."
Her words managed to make him laugh a little, though he sounded sheepish as he admitted, "To be honest, the reserves of my subtlety have all been used up on this trip."
She smiled to herself and couldn't keep the amusement out of her voice. "Fair enough, I guess." She paused for a breath, then deciding to just get to the point. "Anyway, I'm in Boston."
"Ah." He let out a rush of breath. "Of course."
"Of course?" she asked. It was impossible for her to fail to notice how his voice has gone unnaturally soft as he said the two simple words that was otherwise overflowing with hidden meanings that she was not yet willing to unravel.
"Well, Xiao Jian did mention he lived in Boston, so…" he answered.
Why did he have to make his unspoken thoughts so obvious, and why did that hesitance in his voice cause such a sudden, uncomfortable hotness to press against her chest? It made Xiao Yan struggle to breathe and her voice became gruff despite her efforts to keep it otherwise. She told herself that this situation really should be funny, because there was, after all, no basis for the probing speculations that lurked beneath Yong Qi's words, and when she told him what was going on, he would see it too. And yet, she couldn't help but feel an absurd level of guilt for being the cause for his current obviously-conflicted feelings.
"You have seen photos, then," Xiao Yan said simply, as a way to prepare them both for the subject to come.
"Yes."
"I suppose I should tell you about why I'm in Boston."
He didn't immediately say anything, but she waited for him to indicate if he was willing to hear. Upon meeting the silence, he added, "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to talk to me about it, Xiao Yan."
Of course, considering what she knew he believed about her and Xiao Jian, it was easy to understand why he thought it necessary to give her this way out of this conversation. Despite this, she couldn't help feeling like she'd missed a step going down the stairs. She didn't know why, but she needed some confirmation from him that he was still interested in knowing what was going on in her life, even if it might not have any effect on him.
It took her a moment to find her voice again, and in that lull in the conversation, on top of the confusing emotions, she couldn't help but realise how different silences were now between them. Once, they had been comfortable enough with each other to let the words fall into nothingness and smile in the quietness of knowing not everything needed to be said out loud. That they were all right with just knowing that there was the connection between them. Now, she simply felt impatient with both herself and Yong Qi. She had thought they had managed to reach a less awkward point than this. After all, hadn't they just spent half an hour in relatively easy conversation before reaching this halt? How did they both manage to totally lose their grips on their composure the moment their hearts made the slightest stir to enter the conversation?
"No, this is something big," she managed to say softly. "I want you to know about this."
"Okay." He hesitated once more, before adding, haltingly, "But don't feel like you need to…soften the blow or something."
Despite her own messy feelings, Xiao Yan couldn't help letting out breath of laughter. "There is really nothing that needs to be softened, Yong Qi," she said sincerely. "Really, I know what the world is speculating. It's the most predictable conjecture to come to, but I rather pride myself on not being so predictable. Besides, hasn't Zi Wei already told you what wasn't going on?"
"Well, she told Er Tai, who then told me," Yong Qi said.
"And did you believe Zi Wei would spread false information when she knew it would eventually find its way to you?"
"Honestly? I didn't know what to think."
Xiao Yan smiled to herself. "Okay, okay, I guess I can't really blame you for coming to wrong conclusions with insufficient information."
"What would the right conclusion be?"
Finally, Xiao Yan told him, admittedly not very succinctly nor effectively, about the newly discovered relationship between herself and Xiao Jian. Despite what was undoubtedly a confusing account, Yong Qi sounded genuinely pleased when he finally repeated the crucial point of it, "Xiao Jian's your brother."
"Yup."
She could hear him laugh self-deprecatingly, and it made her chuckle as well.
"Okay. I feel foolish now," he said sheepishly.
"If it makes you feel better, you weren't the only person who jumped to that conclusion. And I'm not talking about just the people who have nothing but gossip about us on the internet, either. Liu Qing, and I'm pretty sure Liu Hong as well, assumed it at one point. I'm sure they'd have come to the same conclusion if they saw those photos without my explanation beforehand."
"I am happy for you, Xiao Yan," he said, his voice soft with sincerity.
"Thanks."
"So, how much longer at you going to be in America? Or are you planning to go home at all?"
"Of course I'm coming home. I'm not moving to America."
"No?" He sounded genuinely surprised. Then, more dryly, he added, "It'd probably give you more privacy."
She laughed. "I have to say, the idea is very attractive, but no. I mean, it's not like Mom and Dad and Xiao Jian never suggested it. But honestly I can't imagine it. I think, in many ways, Beijing is too much a part of me."
"I have to say, I'm glad to hear you say that."
"Are you?"
"Of course."
Somehow, the two simple words from him managed to make her smile widely and involuntarily and she couldn't quite place her fingers on the reason why.
"I'm glad too," she whispered.
Before she could say anything else, Xiao Jian knocked on the frame of her bedroom door and poked his head in.
"Are you ready to go?"
"Oh, hold on," Xiao Yan said to Yong Qi on the line before removing the phone slightly from her ear. To her brother, she said, "Give me a moment? I'll be down in a sec."
Xiao Jian shrugged and said, "Okay," before leaving for his own room.
To Yong Qi, Xiao Yan said, "I've got to go. Email me what we talk about before?"
"Sure. Talk to you later?"
"Of course."
Xiao Yan hung up and began to gather her things to go downstairs. She had dinner plans with her new family.
Outside in the hall, she met Xiao Jian again.
"So who was that on the phone?" her brother asked.
Xiao Yan though about fibbing, but then realised she really had no good reason. "Yong Qi," she said, striving for casual.
"Really?" Xiao Jian asked, sounding intrigued.
Xiao Yan really wasn't sure how she felt about her brother's obvious interest in her she-didn't-even-know-what-to-call-it thing with Yong Qi. On the one hand, she knew he wasn't being nosy for the sake of it, and he genuinely wanted to learn more about her life and was perhaps also even concerned for her. He didn't know Yong Qi, so clearly he was struggling to understand what she wanted him to do in the fact of the obvious fact that she was far from being able to really let Yong Qi just be a part of her past.
The part of Xiao Yan that recognised all this wanted to confide in him, but simply didn't know how. How could she guarantee that he would understand that she didn't even know herself what she wanted out of the ashes of this relationship? How could she explain to him that knowing that neither Yong Qi nor she were over each other was perhaps the biggest obstacle currently between them? Neither of them managed to move on, so they strived to be friendly whenever they met or encountered each other, in the hope that somehow that would teach them to move away from each other.
Of course, the reality was, the keeping in touch, the texts, the phone calls, the "I saw this gorgeous scenery half way across the globe and I thought of you" gestures achieved the opposite. She didn't know why they didn't see that coming.
And yet…despite knowing that their efforts to walk away from each other had failed hilariously, it was somehow still a thousand times more difficult, now that they had stepped away, to take the few steps that would bring them truly back together.
So they had settled for this vague state of in-between that clearly satisfied neither of them, but not daring more.
It was all the kind of conflicting confusion and messiness that Xiao Yan had sworn she would never get involved in again.
But this wasn't like the last time.
This wasn't her being too much of a coward to find a way out.
This was her being too much of a coward to find a way back in.
Somehow, that was even worse.
So, it was unsurprising that Xiao Yan found herself unable to immediately reply when, seeing her pensiveness, Xiao Jian asked, "What is between the two of you now anyway?"
Xiao Yan found she could only scoff and laugh at herself. "If I knew, my life would be a lot less complicated."