Author's Note: Yes, this chapter title is inspired by the title of the Eagles song.
Chapter 35: Life in the Fast Lane
It didn't take Artie long to arrive over at Hell's Belles, his first time being there since the night Donnie whacked the former owner. He shuddered when thinking back to that night, remembering how he and his cousin had barely made it out of that ordeal alive.
Climbing out of the car he looked over to the building to see much hadn't changed from the outside, on the inside it would be debatable, especially given Donnie's expensive tastes.
Aside from Donnie's prized Banshee, there were only two Pony vans present, both of which belonged to the Pan-Lantic Construction Company. A lone guard stood outside in a black suit with an earpiece.
"Sorry pal, this place doesn't open for another week…if that ever even happens," the guard spoke as Artie approached.
"Relax; I'm the owner's cousin. He wanted to see me," the errand boy replied.
The guard carefully looked him over before cautiously stepping aside, "Well, you do kind of look like him, so you're probably not lying about it. Alright then, he's inside. If you do anything funny, so help me God I will be in there kicking your ass!"
"Fine, fine you have my word no 'funny business' will occur," Artie nodded as he made his way inside.
As soon as he stepped through the door he found himself having to duck underneath a long board being carried by two carpenters.
"Whoa, 'scuse us there buddy," another worker behind them called out, lugging a heavy toolbox as the trio made their exit.
"What the hell?" he whispered to himself looking around the place, finding all the blood from the previous encounter had been cleaned up and other things being remodeled as several workers moved about, but no Donnie in sight. There were two workers seated at the bar enjoying their lunch break so he decided to ask them.
"Excuse me, but where may I find the owner?" he asked one of the workers, an overweight man in a sweat-stained wife beater with a heart tattooed on his right arm that had the name 'Helga' written inside it.
"He's in the back right now, in the middle of a 'casting call.' I dunno if it would be a good idea to bug him right now," the worker spoke before inhaling his submarine sandwich.
"Unless you're here for the 'casting call' yourself," added the other worker with a chuckle, a black man in a plaid shirt, "I thought there were only gonna be women dancers here."
Artie shot an annoyed glare at the man. "I'm the owner's cousin. He said he needed to speak with me right away. Now if you don't mind, I'll be on my way."
Making his way towards the back, the hitman was instantly halted by a line of beautiful women of all ethnicities stretching the entire hallway's length.
"Goddamn Donnie just how the hell do you do it?" he asked himself as he carefully scanned each woman standing in the line, some dressed in a variety of provocative costumes including the common nurse, schoolgirl, police officer and devil costumes, as well as a nun, a cavewoman, a Mexican Luchador, a postal worker, a Burger Shot employee, a Republican Space Ranger and even a woman in a hazmat outfit.
"Wow, hello there sugar," cooed one of the nurses, "You look like you're in need of a sponge bath."
"Babe, you'll have more than the right to 'remain silent' with me," a faux police officer winked, gesturing suggestively with her nightstick.
"I'll give you my own special kind of 'salvation'…if you catch my drift," the nun smiled.
"You look like you're working with a big package there, let's see it," the postal worker called out.
"Uh…I'd be happy to ladies, but I'm here on other business," Artie nodded making his way towards the office door, where he could hear a woman's screams of ecstasy coming from within. "Okay, I'd better wait before I go in."
He waited for a couple moments before the door opened and out came a busty blonde beauty in a skimpy cowgirl outfit, walking awkwardly as if she had just ridden a bucking bronco.
"Next!" Donnie's voice called out.
"I'll be just a few minutes," Artie whispered to the dominatrix at the front of the line, "I'm just here to visit my cousin," he added to ensure he wouldn't be suspected of homoerotic intentions.
Without a word the errand boy stepped into the office, where he found his cousin reclining in a comfy leather swivel chair wearing only a purple robe with gold trim.
"Oh Artie, c'mon in Cuz!" the elder Cappelli spoke quickly reaching for a rag and a bottle of sanitizer as his cousin closed the door behind him.
"You wanted to see me. What's going on?" the younger Cappelli cousin asked pulling up a nearby chair and sitting down.
Donnie stopped everything he was doing and reached into his desk for a bottle of brandy and a shot glass. Pouring himself a pinch he quickly downed the shot and slammed the glass down onto the wooden surface, his hands suddenly shaking.
"Is everything alright?" Artie asked leaning towards his cousin, only to be cut off by a feral growl.
"No Cuz, everything is not alright," Donnie spoke in a low, menacing tone sounding like he was doing everything in his power to not go on a massive shooting spree. "Believe me; I've had sex with thirteen women already, fourteen if you count that threesome with those Siamese twins, and it still hasn't taken the edge off."
"Damn, you really are pissed about something," Artie gasped.
"You're goddamn right I am!" Donnie roared, slapping his hands down on the desk hard enough to make his cousin jump.
There was a tense pause as the elder Cappelli attempted to calm himself, his deep breaths the only thing heard before he again reached for the bottle of brandy and poured himself another shot.
"So, what's wrong? Spit it out!" Artie dared to speak up.
Silence followed again as Donnie struggled to compose himself.
"Some douchebag code enforcement officer isn't letting me reopen the club," Donnie said before slinking back into his chair. "After what happened the last time we were here he thinks this place 'isn't safe to reopen to the public.'"
Artie was about to make a smartass comment, but decided against it to avoid further stoking the man's rage as he rose to his feet and began pacing back and forth with his hands clasped behind his back.
"Who the fuck does that asshole think he is to tell me I can't reopen this club? The previous cocksuckers who ran this place are six feet under! They did more damage than I ever could! I'm trying to perform a civic duty for my community by providing the masses with some much needed, more sterilized entertainment compared to the other shit that we find around here!" Donnie shouted, waving his hands around wildly.
"Uh yeah, with all the poor bastards around here looking to have an affair, I'm sure you're really going to do a lot of good for the community," Artie quipped leaning back in his chair.
"Damn right I'm gonna do a lot of good!" Donnie said staring intently towards his cousin, "I know so because you my dear cousin are going to help me convince that rat bastard to let me reopen this fair club!"
"And naturally you call upon me when you need some random bitch work done. Once again I must question whether I should feel flattered or frightened," Artie exhaled, rubbing his temple.
"You're part of a budding fucking empire! You have to feel flattered Cuz!" Donnie shouted getting right in his face.
"Okay, I stand in place then…" Artie winced, tugging nervously at his collar.
"That's the spirit!" the elder Cappelli laughed, giving his cousin a not so light slap on the cheek.
"And just how are we going to convince this 'rat bastard' to let you reopen this club? Want me to shoot him up just like you shot up this very club a while back?" Artie sardonically replied.
"Fuck no man! For once we need to take somebody alive. He's gotta live long enough to at least sign the dotted line ya' know," Donnie chuckled.
"For once you actually show signs of logic…I have to say I'm genuinely impressed," the younger Cappelli laughed.
Donnie ignored his cousin's comment and sat back down at his desk, "We need to scare the guy into submission and I have a plan set in motion."
"Now this I have to hear," Artie replied casually reclining with his hands resting behind his head.
"I've already called the guy and scheduled an appointment. He thinks that I'm sending somebody over to pick him up and bring him back to the club for further negotiations, but what he doesn't know is that I'm going to have somebody give him the ride of his life. I don't care what you have to do to scare the living shit out of the guy, just as long as you don't kill him," Donnie said leaning forward with a sadistic smirk.
"And you're absolutely sure this is going to work, huh?" Artie asked, still showing skepticism over his cousin's plan.
"Cuz, I sold cars in Las Venturas of all places for two whole fuckin' years. Trust me, in that city customers can be downright brutal when it comes to negotiations and it takes a lot of convincing if you're going to sell them anything. I had to do my fair share of wild tricks to get the people to buy anything I was selling; then again I also didn't have an entire army of hookers on hand to help me convince anybody. I actually had to do some hard work at one point in my life believe it or not," Donnie said again leaning back in his chair.
"Fine," Artie said standing up.
"There's a car waiting for you out back. Get over to this address and pick the guy up. The rest is up to you," Donnie said handing his cousin the officer's business card, "Oh and you'd better change your clothes too so you look more professional. There's a suit in the security office you can put on."
"Alright, I'll be on my way then," Artie said making his way towards the door.
"You're right. I've got an open 'casting call' to resume," Donnie added, "Christ, with all the time you've spent in here the ladies probably think we've gone gay already."
"Did you really have to say that?" Artie replied with a shudder before disappearing through the door and being met by the ladies.
"Please tell us you didn't get the job," a lady dressed up like one of Santa's elves spoke, shooting the hired gun a death glare.
"Damn it, I wasn't here to audition! I'm really the owner's cousin and he really wanted to see me, but not for a job here!" Artie snapped, but stopped himself as he noticed a few of the women jump, "…well not for a dancer job, but I wish you all the best of luck," he said walking along. "Don't worry, I'll hold you to that sponge bath," he said to the nurse before making his way back into the main room and towards the security office.
Within seconds the errand boy was now wearing a black suit similar to the guard's out front and he exited the club.
"I see you're part of the team now, huh?" the guard asked as Artie made his exit.
"Yeah, I guess you could say that," he casually replied making his way around the building towards a back alley, where a gunmetal gray Super GT awaited him.
"Well I'll be riding in style. Too bad this baby's gonna be getting pretty dinged up when I'm done," Artie thought as he climbed inside and switched the radio over to Rock of Rushmore 89.5, which was currently playing "Slave to the Grind" by Skid Row.
He needed to get over to the Washington Common district to pick up the code enforcement officer, the amount of time it would take largely dependent upon traffic. It was now the later afternoon hours of the day and many motorists were in the midst of the post-work rush to get home or do whatever they could before the creeps came out at night.
Eventually he turned onto a street where traffic was backed up due to a three car pileup. Police were slowly directing cars through a narrow stretch as emergency workers loaded injured passengers into the back of several ambulances and firefighters used the 'jaws of life' to free a trapped motorist from a Previon sedan that had been crushed like a soda can.
As he waited patiently in line a live report from Weazel News came over the radio.
"This is Mark Kohn reporting live with Weazel News where earlier today there was another reported gang-related skirmish between the Uptown Yardie and Aces street gangs.
"According to eyewitness reports, the disturbance began in the Lincoln Shore district and ended with a motorcycle chase that left five suspected drug dealers dead and a whole bunch of pissed off meth addicts. The surviving suspects were described as two Caucasian males, one of whom appeared to be an Ace. Nothing else is further known, but we will keep you posted as details emerge. Mark Kohn, Weazel News."
"Good thing nobody still knows who the hell I am around here," Artie thought to himself as he reached the front of the line where a cop stood in the center of an intersection directing traffic, paying no heed to the sports car's occupant as he motioned for him to pass.
Artie continued out of the Lakeview district and the drive over to Washington Common was thankfully uneventful, finding himself in an upscale part of town where most of the city's important buildings were located.
"Alright, he should be close," he said aloud looking down at the business card, a 'Bartholomew Fenian' listed.
Eventually he pulled up in front of a small office building, where a well-dressed man in a white suit and charcoal fedora waited. Assuming he must be Bartholomew Fenian, he honked the horn. The man nodded in acknowledgment and made his way over to the car.
"Hello there, I trust Mr. Cappelli sent you. Well it's a pleasure to meet you sir, but we need to make this quick as I have other appointments booked for the day," Mr. Fenian said climbing into the passenger's seat and buckling up.
"Right, this should be pretty fast and before you know it you'll be on your way," Artie replied shifting the car into drive and going in the direction of Jefferson Vale.
It started out nice and slow, Artie switching the radio station over to the Peace FM station for some relaxing music and coming to a halt at a red light, wanting to lure the man into a false sense of security before making his move. He continued forth at the legal speed limit until they approached the off-ramp leading to Jefferson Vale, when he took a sudden left turn that cut off an orange Moonbeam van.
"Hey, what are you doing? That's not how we get to Lakeview!" Fenian protested.
"And just who the hell said I was going to Lakeview?" Artie replied with a devilish smirk as they passed the Van Winkle Dome and he switched the station over to Radio GX, which was playing "Soul Doubt" by NoFX, the perfect music for picking up the pace.
"Stop this car at once! I have a job to do!" the man demanded as he reached into his pocket for his cell phone, "Take me there immediately or else I will be notifying the authorities at once!"
"But I want to take the scenic route!" Artie replied, stomping the gas pedal and sending the Super GT peeling down the street with a deafening screech, causing the phone to go flying from the city worker's hands.
"What are you doing? Slow this damn car down!" Fenian screamed.
"Aw c'mon, you gotta live life in the fast lane every now and then!" Artie cackled maniacally, speeding along as fast as the car would allow him, swerving into the path of an oncoming Linerunner.
"Watch where you're driving you maniac! You're going to get us both killed!" Fenian wailed.
"You're gonna get fucking killed if you don't give us what we want!" Artie shouted back, moving out of the semi's path at the last second, barely avoiding a cab that had pulled over to pick up a fare.
"What do you want?! Huh, what do you want? Do you want money? Do you want my wife and kids? Do you want a hand job?" Fenian whined, "Oh god, what the hell did I ever do to you? Please, I'll give you anything you want! Just don't kill me! Please don't kill me!" the man screamed, now having broken into tears.
"Like I fucking believe you," Artie spat as he charged through a crowded intersection, ramming into a Bobcat that had been making a turn, again making the officer shriek in terror, "and please shut the fuck up while you're at it!"
The enforcement officer ignored his demands and continued whimpering like a scolded dog as he drove up a ramp onto the patio of the Ronald Hyatt Recreation Center and took the car airborne as he skipped the flight of stairs leading to the entrance and sent them flying through a farmer's market that had been set up, patrons scattering in all directions as he plowed through the vendor's booths, the windshield covered by numerous different types of fruit and vegetable juices that forced Artie to switch on the wipers. He continued at his breakneck pace until he spotted a cab in front of him. Slowing to a moderate pace, he rammed into the cab's backside hard enough to nearly send his passenger flying through the windshield, restrained only by his seatbelt.
"You're insane!" the man shouted as Artie rammed into the back of a Secsi-owned Patriot.
"You're goddamn right I am!" the hitman laughed hysterically as he turned up the radio's volume, "All I Want" by The Offspring now playing.
A Packer came into view and Artie sped towards it, "Hope you have your frequent flyer miles handy!"
Fenian saw what he had in mind and his eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets, "Oh god, please no! I have irritable bowel syndrome!" he pleaded, his cries falling on deaf ears as the errand boy sped the car up the ramp and again went airborne, landing hard and sending the man's head banging against the rooftop.
Surely enough, his bowels soon emptied and the smell hit Artie harder than a 'roided up 300-pound Juggernaut linebacker.
"Oh goddamn you! God-fucking-damn you!" Artie grunted in disgust, reaching over and backhanding his passenger, who let out another girlish scream.
The errand boy pulled onto a sidewalk and continued picking up speed, running over a few pedestrians and forcing others to flee for safety, shattering the windshield and destroying most of the sports car's hood.
"Please, just stop! Just stop at once!" Fenian pleaded, a yellow spot now forming over his crotch.
"Not until your punk ass gives Mr. Cappelli what he wants!" Artie shouted back, neglecting to mention he was working for his cousin.
"What?! What do you want? Tell me at once! Is that what this is all about? Tell me at once! Please!" Fenian desperately pleaded before letting out another shriek as Artie again took the car airborne when he approached a hill.
"I want you to allow Mr. Cappelli to reopen Hell's Belles!" Artie shouted back as he rammed head on into a man who had been riding on a Hakuchou Custom street bike.
Fenian looked at him in disbelief, "Are you serious? That place isn't safe! Didn't you hear about that massacre that happened there a few months back? We can't reopen that place to the public!"
"You can and you will!" Artie retorted, "You will allow Mr. Cappelli to reopen Hell's Belles or else I'm going to drive this car into the river and drown your sorry ass!"
They were getting closer to the Komojack River and he began speeding up for emphasis.
"Oh god no, please I don't know how to swim!" Fenian screamed and lunged for the steering wheel, only to eat another backhand for his troubles.
"I'm not going to tell you again. Let him reopen the club!" Artie screamed, ready to leap out if necessary. He was getting closer to the end with no intention of slowing down. "I mean it. I'm gonna do it you fucking rat bastard!"
"Okay, okay, okay! He can reopen the club! He can reopen the club! I'll sign the papers! Just please don't kill me! Don't kill me!" Fenian pleaded, now a hysterical mess.
Hearing the man's words, Artie hit the hand brake and the car performed a 180 as it skidded to a halt on the dock.
With the car stopped Fenian continued crying until he was stopped by a powerful hand gripping his throat.
"Now you listen to me and you listen good," Artie started, narrowing his eyes and tightening his grip around the code enforcement officer's throat, "You better not go back on your word and I mean it, or else I will fucking kill you right on the spot. You're going to go to that club and you will sign those papers. Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes sir," the officer spoke in a garbled tone.
"What was that?" Artie screamed, tightening his grip around the man's throat.
"Yes! Yes sir!" he screamed.
"Alright, now that's more like it," the errand boy said releasing his grip and shifting the car back into drive.
"And to think you could have avoided all of this," Artie smirked towards the jittery man, who only whimpered quietly with his head resting against the window.
XXXXX
"Okay Mr. Cappelli, all you need to do is sign here, here and here," Mr. Fenian stated pointing to the blank lines on numerous contracts spread out across Donnie's desk.
The jittery code enforcement officer stood in Donnie's office with his white pants heavily stained following his 'ride from Hell.' Artie stood behind him to ensure he carried out his assigned duties, albeit with a clothespin clamped over his nose to block out the rancid odor.
"Oh, and before I forget you need to initial here," Fenian said pointing to a random spot on another contract.
"Jeez, to think this would entitle so much paperwork," Donnie exhaled, now dress in a white dress shirt and black slacks, "Had I known it was gonna be this much, I would've let my associate dump you in the river!"
An audible rumble followed as Fenian stood before the desk, clamping his knees together as Donnie looked up shooting him a 'don't you dare shit all over my freshly cleaned carpet' look.
"It's ok; I think that's all you need to sign Mr. Cappelli!" he squeaked out, quickly gathering all the papers and shoving them into a manila file.
"Very well then, it's been a pleasure doing business with you," Donnie said standing up and shaking the man's hand.
"I need to use the restroom now!" Fenian said tearing his hand away from Donnie's and bolting out the door.
"Nice work Cuz, I'm damned proud of you," the elder Cappelli said making his way around the desk and giving his cousin a hearty pat on the shoulder, "As soon as this place reopens you're going to enjoy lifetime V.I.P. status around here!"
"Thanks, I do what I can for family," Artie chuckled.
Donnie reached into his pocket and produced his checkbook, writing out a check and handing it to his cousin, "Here, this is for all your troubles."
The check amounted to six thousand dollars.
"Thanks Cuz. What can I say? It was all in a day's work," the errand boy replied, unsure of what else to say.
"Well it's a job well done. Now go on, you've earned yourself the rest of the day off," Donnie said leading his cousin to the door, "I'd let you stick around, but I still have more applicants to 'interview,' if you know what I mean," he finished with a wink.
"Right, never can keep a 'hardworking' man down," Artie replied with a laugh, "I'll talk to you later."
Artie changed back into his street clothes and made his way back outside, wondering what he would do with the rest of his day off.
He was approaching his Sentinel when a pink Feltzer convertible pulled up alongside him, blasting "Second Go" by LIGHTS before the engine was killed.
"Oh my god, it's Donnie's cousin! Hey!" an excited voice called out.
Turning around he was met by the familiar faces of Vanessa the masseuse, who had been driving, along with Evie the hair stylist and the two Russian twins he had briefly met at that orgy over to Donnie's from a while back.
"Oh…hey there ladies, what's up?" Artie replied with a small wave.
"So honey, why haven't you come over to the shop lately?" Evie mockingly pouted, sticking out her lower lip and making puppy dog eyes at him, "I could go for experiencing more of that 'Cappelli pride' I've heard so much about."
"As long as my cousin hasn't infected you with any S.T.D.'s, or if you weren't one of his 'leftovers' to begin with I'd fuck you in a heartbeat," Artie thought to himself staring at the stylist's cleavage popping out from her neon blue tube top, "I've been a busy man lately."
"Too busy to visit lonely girls in need of tender loving connection?" inquired Illyana, the twin who displayed the weaker command of English.
"Uh yeah…sorry," Artie replied nervously rubbing the back of his neck, "I'll definitely have to make it up to you sometime in the future."
"Who says we have to wait for the future?" giggled Mischa, the other twin.
"How about we make the future right now?" Evie purred rubbing her chin seductively.
"Oh boy…" the errand boy muttered to himself as the three women converged upon him like wolves stalking their prey, "…I don't have enough space in my backseat for this," he said backing against the Sentinel.
"I'd love to join in ladies, but I already have an appointment with Donnie so you're on your own," Vanessa spoke up making her way towards the club.
Before Artie could say any more, the three women were shoving him into his backseat and closing the door behind them.
XXXXX
** 5 Hours Later **
The backdoor finally swung open and Artie emerged from his backseat, visibly out of breath and having to brace himself against his car.
"Mmmm…that was so much fun," Evie spoke as she climbed out of the Sentinel, reaching back inside for her G-string while bending at an angle where Artie could see her bare buttocks peeking out from beneath her too short miniskirt.
"My god, who knew American hammer could pound so hard," Illyana gasped as she climbed out followed closely by her twin.
"We need to take a ride again sometime," Mischa added.
"Well now I know if I would've left the city earlier I would've missed out on this opportunity," Artie thought to himself as he finally regained his breath and smoothed out his clothing.
"Well thank you ladies that was definitely a…magical experience. Indeed we will have to do this again sometime," Artie smiled until noticing his fly was still open and he quickly reached down to zip it up.
"You're damn right we're going to!" Evie said before pulling him closely into a passionate kiss, grabbing his hands so they were gripping her ample buttocks. "See you later stud!" she called out as the three ladies made their way into the club.
"For once it's good to be Artie Cappelli," the hired gun whispered to himself, "So long as Gladys doesn't find out."
His cell phone suddenly rang and he looked down to see it was Gladys herself calling him.
"Speak of the devil," he told himself before switching the phone on, "Hey Gladys-" he began speaking, only to be cut off by a frantic yelp.
"Oh god Artie, you have to help me!" she screamed from the other end.
"Gladys, what's wrong?" he demanded, just as the shatter of glass resounded in the background.
"I don't have time to explain, but the Children of Chaos are here! You need to get over to the Silver Dollar Saloon in Red Light! Please hurry!" the ex-hooker screamed before the line went dead.
"Fuck, that sounds bad," Artie told himself as he shifted through his contacts and dialed Iceman's number.
The weapons dealer picked up after the third ring, "Bro, what's up?"
"Iceman, I can't talk right now. Gladys is in danger and I need some of your merchandise A.S.A.P.," Artie shouted climbing into the driver's seat, "Meet me over behind Socialist Autos in New Leningrad, pronto!"
"Alright, I'll be there as soon as I can!" his friend replied before hanging up.
"Please be safe," Artie whispered as he started the car up and made his way over to the designated meeting point.
XXXXX
Author's Note: Holy sheep shit, this update came A WHOLE HELL OF A LOT SOONER than the last chapter! Then again, I'm sure you'd all rather wait one day compared to nearly one year!
This mission was inspired by "Fender Ketchup" from GTA: San Andreas where you had Johnny Sindacco tied to the windshield of your car and then you had to drive all over doing all sorts of crazy shit to get him to talk.
Well I think I've rediscovered my creative spark for this story so until next time read and review! This is Metal Harbinger saying SPREAD THE SICKNESS, ONE MIND AT A TIME! \m/
Oh and one more thing, while I'm on a roll check out my recently completed "Darkness Arises: Reborn" for all you Resident Evil fanatics out there!
(Damn, that's the first time ever anything has ever followed my "SPREAD THE SICKNESS, ONE MIND AT A TIME" line…)