Who He Wants To Be
by Gracefultree
Chapter 36: Where is James?
Posted: February 20, 2015
A/N: As the Northeast (of the USA) has been blanketed by snow, I've been able to write a bit more. Here's a quick chapter to whet your appetites. Enjoy!
Warnings for sex.
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"Something's happened to James," Ianto declared Friday night. "He hasn't answered a single call or text all week!"
"He's busy," Gary said. "Didn't you say he'd be turning off his phone for a while?"
"He said that, then he left me a voicemail Monday."
"Could be he's lost his mobile again," Steve suggested. "That's happened, what, three times?"
"No, he always gets a new one pretty quickly," Ianto protested. "And he emails when that happens. I think something's wrong."
"Ianto, you've gone a week without speaking to him before," Gary pointed out.
"But not right after we've decided we're dating!"
"True."
Ianto ran his fingers through his hair and picked up a sponge to start scrubbing the counter. "We're supposed to go to that French place tomorrow. I pressed my best suit!"
"He'll show up," Gary said reassuringly. "He always shows up."
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James didn't come.
Ianto spent all of Saturday worried and anxious, pacing around his flat, snarling at his roommates. He called James three times, then twice more on Sunday, when he wasn't curled on his bed crying. How could James disappear so suddenly like this? Had something happened to him? If he lost his mobile, wouldn't he have come anyway? Or emailed? They had a date planned! They were boyfriends now!
By Sunday night, with no word from James, no apology or explanation, Ianto resigned himself to the fact that either something had happened to James, or James was breaking up with him and didn't have the balls to tell him. That didn't seem like the James he knew, especially after what they'd talked about when they last saw each other, and the happiness radiating from James after hearing that Ianto would consider him his most important relationship, and call him his boyfriend, but guys could change. Steve and Gary thought he was daft to even consider such an idea, preferring the theory that work had taken over as usual or he'd lost his mobile and couldn't call to cancel. They steered Ianto away from thinking about disaster scenarios, as best as they could, but his mind created all kinds of images of James dead in various ways.
Anxiety and sadness settled into his chest, and not even the pills from Owen could completely soothe it away.
Billy was sympathetic on Monday when Ianto explained what happened in hushed tones over their first cups of coffee. He seemed genuinely upset for Ianto's sake that James would disappear on the eve of their first date as official boyfriends. Ianto appreciated the sentiment, but drew the line when Billy started badmouthing James. Only Ianto was allowed to do that.
Ianto managed to pull himself together for lunch, as there was a departmental meeting. Zach Bitters accosted him on the way out, wanting to know how his big date with James had gone. Ianto growled and attempted to get away, but Zach pulled him down the hall into an empty room and demanded to know what had happened, since Ianto seemed to be in such a bad mood. Had they had a falling out? Did he find out that James was just playing with him?
"He didn't come," Ianto muttered, giving in and telling Zach. If he said something, he figured, maybe he'd get to go back to his desk sooner. "Never called me back."
"When did you last talk to him?"
Ianto shrugged. "Monday morning."
Zach had a speculative look on his face as Ianto slipped away.
Ianto accepted Lisa's dinner date invitation when she asked Tuesday, albeit halfheartedly, needing something to distract himself from the pain of James abandoning him. He didn't tell her about James, too upset to bring him up, even though he knew he'd need to at some point, probably sooner rather than later. He managed to relax into the date and let himself concentrate on listening to her. It was easier than talking about himself. Neither of them were in the best of spaces, but they managed to enjoy themselves anyway.
He walked her home, and as they'd established on their earlier dates, he followed her upstairs to her flat and made them coffee. She promptly added kahlua to it, even though they'd both already had more than was wise. As they settled on the sofa to talk, Ianto felt a spark of desire. It hadn't been that long since he'd had sex with James, and they'd gone longer when they were fighting, but this felt different. It was about Lisa, and the softness of her skin and the roundness of her body and the smell of her perfume, so different than James's aftershave. It was about loneliness and longing and missing his lover, but also about the newness of being with her.
He had permission to date her, too, he reminded himself.
The alcohol lowered his inhibitions, turned him on, and prompted him to lean over and kiss her.
Lisa's hand, so small and delicate and cool on his cock, shocked him back to reality. They were making out, he was fondling her breasts, and she was slowly jerking him off. It felt good. He took her to bed, then, shocking her with his willingness to go down on her until she demanded he fill her. He used every bit of skill he'd learned with James to hold back and assure himself of her pleasure before he took his own. She was overjoyed, much more so than he expected. He might have picked up a few things from James, but he certainly didn't consider himself an expert. Apparently, most men she'd been with had been selfish, and hadn't liked giving her oral sex, nor had they been particularly clever about making sure she came.
She woke him in the middle of the night to send him home, apologetic, but also clear that she wasn't ready to turn up with him at work the next day, him in the same clothes as the day before. He understood, he told her, and wasn't upset. It was true, too. They were both feeling a little bit of regret for sleeping together, it seemed. Or at least doing it so quickly. He was also hungover, and angry at himself that he'd had so much to drink that he'd let it get that far with her.
Back at his flat, he called James and tearfully admitted about the date, and the sex, to James's voicemail, asking James to call him, please, because he felt so lost and lonely. He felt like he betrayed James, but without James there, what else was he supposed to do? And why wasn't James answering his mobile at four in the morning, damn it? He always answered for work when he was staying with Ianto. Was Ianto suddenly less important than work? How much more backwards could he get?
Christmas approached steadily. Ianto bought Lisa a bright pink scarf that complemented her dark skin and matched the sweater she wore on their first date. He stood in the store for fifteen minutes, staring at the men's scarf section, fingering a blue one that would make James's eyes even brighter than they already were. It was twice as expensive as the one he selected for Lisa, and in a silky cashmere that James would love, given his sensuousness and love of everything tactile. He didn't buy it.
Ianto and Lisa took a long lunch and talked. He said he hadn't expected to have sex with her so quickly, and she agreed, though she'd really liked it, and really liked him. He was about to mention James, or at least that he wasn't in a place to be exclusive, when she said she wanted to be with him again, if he wanted that. Thrown off his stride, he nodded, and she continued talking before he could gather his thoughts to mention James.
She planned to go home for the holidays, and wanted Ianto to come with her. He replied that he didn't feel comfortable meeting her parents when they still barely knew each other. He told himself that was all it was, and resolutely ignored the part of him that screamed at him to find James and figure out what had happened. If he was going to meet anyone's family, it would be James's. Then he remembered that both of James's parents were dead, and his brother missing, the case cold for 20 years and filed away in the bowels of the police missing person database.
He went back and bought the blue scarf after all.
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