Chapter Thirty-Five
If you knew how lonely my life has been
and how long I've been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
and change my life the way you've done
It feels like home to me
"Feels Like Home" - Chantal Kreviazuk
Suddenly, miraculously, life began to return to normal. One day drifted into another, and soon a fortnight had passed, bringing with it the inevitable sameness of change. Julian Westward was kept under police custody while his trial date was set. Angelina Cyrus was located and a statement was taken. The AMIT officers, having fulfilled their duties in Ladbroke Grove, were sent back to LMPF headquarters at New Scotland Yard, to wait in limbo until their next assignment, filing papers and researching cases to kill time.
Even after the overwhelming stress of the past few months, desk duty was not a welcome respite to the officers. They grumbled day in and day out, loath to perform the menial tasks that would serve to occupy them while they waited to be sent to a new station. Just as they had every instance previously.
The real change was in Jimmy. He had grown quieter since Nan's return from the hospital, and his nature had grown more reserved. He seemed to be lost in thought more than half of the time, and only a sharp rebuke from Emma or a poke in the ribs from Kid could jolt him back to reality. It didn't take a genius to figure out what his mind was on; but as to the exact nature of his thoughts, it was anyone's guess. In fact, it was a favourite subject of speculation among the AMIT officers. Jimmy, however, would confirm nothing, simply smiling complacently when probed for details.
Lou alone bit her tongue, keeping her many questions to herself. She knew James Hickok too well to prod him before the time was right. She was nearly bursting with curiosity but didn't dare approach him before she was sure he was ready to talk.
Her chance came one afternoon when she found him alone in the filing room. She watched him for a moment; one cabinet drawer was opened and pressed against his chest as he leaned against it, one elbow resting on the files, a thick folder in the opposite hand. He was staring off into space, his eyes far away, a serious expression on his face. Lou folded her arms over her chest and couldn't stop the grin from spreading across her lips.
"Ahem," she said, with an ostentatious clearing of her throat.
Jimmy spun around, the file dropping from his hands, its contents spilling onto the floor. He gazed at her sheepishly. "Hey, Lou."
"Off in dreamland, were we?"
"Just thinking, that's all."
"Yeah Jimmy, I think we've all noticed you've been thinking a lot lately."
He just grinned and didn't reply, stooping to pick up the papers scattered at his feet.
"Anything in particular occupying your thoughts?" Lou asked slyly.
"Maybe." He was nonchalant.
"Do I get three guesses?"
She could hear the laughter in his voice. "And the first two don't count," he said in agreement.
"It couldn't possibly be Nan Kenworthy, could it?"
"Don't know what gave you that idea," he smiled. He began to pile the papers together, straightening them in his hands.
"Jimmy? Have you and Nan had the chance to talk yet?"
He didn't look up. "A little."
"And?"
"Things are being resolved."
Lou moved into the room and perched herself on the end of the table. "Such as?"
"You know, just things."
"Things?" She repeated incredulously. "Things such as what you're going to do in a few months when you're supposed to head back to the States? Things such as whether or not you're going to be able to maintain a long-distance relationship? Things such as how you're going to cope being a few thousand miles away from the woman you love? Those kind of things, Jimmy?"
Jimmy rose to his feet. "Jesus, Lou," he said, shaking his head with a sigh. "I was going to say you missed your calling, but then I remembered what you do for a living." He ran his hand through his hair. "Ease up on the interrogation tactics, will you? I'm only just getting over the shock of her not being dead; I haven't thought to involve her in psycho-analysing our relationship."
After a moment Lou eased into a smile. "All right, Jimmy, point taken." She broke off, noting his mouth turned down at the corners, the slight tremble of his fingers. She reached for his hand. "Hey—are you gonna be okay?"
Jimmy attempted to make a brave reply, but faltered. It was difficult to hide the fear in his eyes. "I thought I'd lost her, Lou," he whispered. "I thought she was gone." There was a note of utter disbelief in his voice. "I mean, that day...that day...when that bastard looked me in the eye and told me he'd killed Nan...you don't know. You just don't know what that— " He broke off and swallowed hard, nearly choking on the tears he was fighting down. "What that did to me," he finished.
It occurred to Lou that this was the first time Jimmy had spoken like this to anyone since the tumultuous events of the past month. She knew him too well to believe he had burdened Nan with his anguish. However much Nan might want to help him with it, Jimmy would protect her from his own pain as long as he could.
Lou searched for the right words and could find none. Instead she went to Jimmy and hugged him as hard as she could. She felt him relax in her embrace and hug her quickly back.
"Thanks, Lou. I guess I needed that."
"I could see you did."
He hadn't cried. His eyes were bright, but the tears remained unshed. He managed a credible smile. "It's just been a lot to take," he said.
"Jimmy, you don't have to explain yourself."
"I know everyone's been wondering what's going on."
"We're just worried, that's all."
Jimmy raised a mocking eyebrow. "Oh, really? No one's been having a good time gossiping about Nan and me while we're all stuck here in desk-duty hell? You mean it's all out of concern?"
"All right, you've got me there." Lou burst into laughter. "But really, Jimmy, we do care. And we are worried."
He sighed heavily. "I know you are, Lou, and I appreciate it. I've just been thinking a lot, that's all."
"And? Have you come to any conclusions?"
"Not really," he admitted.
"What does Nan have to say about all this?"
"We've sort of hinted at the subject, but neither of us have actually come right out and said anything about it. I think we're both scared to find out what the other's thinking."
"What are you thinking?"
It was several moments before he responded. He chose his words carefully. "Nan loves England. It's her home, Lou. It's her home the way I've never had a home in my life. It's not just where she was born, and it's not just where she comes from; her heart is here. She loves everything about it." Jimmy leaned back against a tall cabinet, staring thoughtfully at the floor as he spoke. "I've never felt that way about any place. I love Manhattan and I'm happy there, but that's only because you and Buck and Cody and Teaspoon are there. You are my family."
"You know we feel the same, Jimmy."
He smiled softly. "And then I realised that I do feel that way about someplace, just the way Nan does. And I feel it about England, because England is where Nan is, and my home is with her."
Lou drew her breath in sharply. "Jimmy, what are you saying?"
"I'm saying that I love her, Lou, and that I want to be wherever she is."
"She could come to New York," Lou offered. But even as she said it she knew what Jimmy's answer would be.
He smiled again, affectionately, and shook his head.
"You haven't even asked her, have you?" she sighed.
"I don't want to. I want to stay in London, Lou. I like it here. Hell, I love it here. I love taking the tube, I love walking through Hyde Park, I love working with AMIT; I even love having a warm pint down at the pub." He paused. "Maybe it's just the excitement of living in another country, or maybe everything is just that much better because this is where Nan is. I don't know. But I do know that I want to stay."
Lou was silent, trying to grasp the thought that when the time came to fly back to New York and the life she was looking forward to resuming, Jimmy wouldn't be with her. He had been her best friend and closest confidante for so many years now; it was unbearable to think of not being able to share her life with him every day. Kid was dearer to her than anyone now, but love did not take the place of old friendships.
"I like England too, Jimmy, but..." She stopped, trying another tactic. "Maybe Nan would like to try New York. You haven't even asked her!"
"I don't have to ask her. I know what she'd do. She'd come with me, for some of the same reasons I'm staying: because she knows I want to be with the people I love and because she loves me. Because she's a little bit adventurous. But why ask her to uproot her life and history for me when I'm perfectly happy to do it for her?"
"But-"
He cut her off. "Wouldn't you do the same for Kid?"
"Jimmy-"
"Wouldn't he do the same for you?"
The words silenced her. Lou ducked her head, red creeping into her cheeks. They had kept the decision from the others while they worked out the details, but the truth was that Kid was going to do the same for her. He was leaving London for Manhattan, and he was as happy as Jimmy to make the sacrifice. "Yes," she finally whispered, "he would." She met Jimmy's eyes. "He is."
"And Nan's going to miss him as much as you're going to miss me. And I'm going to miss Kid. And Emma's going to miss you…" Jimmy laughed. "That's just life, Lou. You have to do what makes you happy. You have to move on."
"I know." Lou swung her legs back and forth in front of her, looking like a disappointed little girl. "And I'll be okay with it…eventually."
"That's my girl. I'm sure Kid will be more than happy to help you over the disappointment."
"Ha ha," she replied witheringly. "And you're sure about this?"
"Positive."
"Absolutely, without question, one hundred percent positive?"
"Lou, there is no longer a shred of doubt in my mind."
"I just can't see you as an Englishman, Jimmy."
"Hell, I can pip-pip-cheerio with the best of them."
Lou giggled girlishly. "Have you told Teaspoon?"
The smile faded from Jimmy's lips. "No," he said. "But I have a feeling he suspects."
"You know that Rachel's going back to the States with him, don't you?"
"Yeah, I knew that."
Lou thought of Teaspoon and that certain, special closeness he and Jimmy shared. "He's going to be upset. He'll really miss you, Jimmy."
"I'll miss him, too. But I know he'll understand."
"What makes you so sure?" Lou asked wistfully.
And Jimmy's smile flashed once more, confident, certain, and just a bit teasing. "Because he knew I loved her before I did. And if there's anyone who knows what love can do to a man, it's Teaspoon Hunter."
The crutches were a bloody nuisance. Even after weeks of experience with them, Nan found herself tripping over them, or missing a step when she got a bit ahead of herself and let them swing too far out in front of her. Stairs were an exercise in torture. But it was nothing compared to the excruciating pain she'd endured on the one occasion when she'd grown so fed up with her crutches that she'd thrown them aside and attempted to walk on her own. Jimmy had nearly ripped her head off when he'd found her in a heap on the floor, after hearing a tremendous thump that shook the room. Nan grinned to herself at the thought.
The grin was erased however, as she made her way slowly up the stairs at New Scotland Yard. They were a bit tricky: gravity-defyingly steep, and slippery with rain puddles. The bursts of wind with their arctic temperatures weren't any help either. Her long black coat blew around her legs, her hair whipped about her face, stinging her skin. She gritted her teeth together and steeled her will.
"Right. I'll make it up these steps or die trying," she muttered under her breath. She gripped the handles of the crutches harder, her bare fingers red and raw from the cold. "One...two...three…" A vehement swing of a crutch and suddenly the pavement began to fly up at her at an alarming rate.
And then strong arms were reaching out for her, and there was a familiar scent. "Whoa, there!" gasped a voice as the arms crushed her to an expanse of suede-covered chest.
Nan steadied herself, letting her heart rate get back to normal, and then stepped back. The arms around her let go. She was looking up into the face of Pete Binchy. They stared at one another for a moment.
Pete's eyes searched her face, a smile hesitating about his lips. "You're looking well, Nan."
"Thanks, Pete. So are you."
He shrugged and laughed self-consciously. "Not so bad, I suppose."
"No, no," she assured him, "I mean it. Really well." The desperate look was gone from his face. He seemed relaxed again, at ease with himself, the Pete Binchy she had used to know. The discomfort she had once felt was gone. She was as pleased to see him as she would have been to see any of the boys. She found herself believing she and Pete could be friends.
"Coming round for a visit, then?" he asked, shyly ignoring her compliment.
"Thought I might stretch my limbs some. I get a bit cooped up in that flat." Nan made a face.
"Well, I know everyone will be dead chuffed to see you."
Nan looked about her and smiled with pleasure. "It feels good to be here," she admitted.
"Don't let me keep you."
"Are you leaving?"
"Yeah, just for a bit."
She opened her mouth, wanting to say something, but finding no words. She knew that she and Pete were unfinished business. There was so much more they could say to each other; they could talk, they could explain, they could ask questions and perhaps finally get answers. Answers they had both been looking for, for a long time now. Perhaps there could finally be some kind of closure.
The silence pervaded until both felt awkward. Nan looked down at her crutches; Pete shuffled his feet, desperate for something to break the suddenly uncomfortable moment. He looked at her dark, bowed head, remembering countless times when he had kissed her to smooth away the lines of worry on her face.
It was so strange, he thought, so heartbreakingly sad, that you could spend a year of your life loving someone and having that person love you back, unable to imagine your life without that person by your side...and then one day-a long way down the road, perhaps, but someday nonetheless-you would be standing like this: facing each other in silence, unsure what to say, that old love unspoken and ignored. As if that year had never happened.
"I'm so glad you're all right, Nan."
Nan looked up at the words, surprised at their sudden, soft delivery. "Thank you, Pete."
"And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for-" Pete stopped, helpless at the onslaught of words that tumbled through his brain. The cold was burning at his eyes and his mind was racing. 'I'm sorry for hurting you,' he wanted to say. 'I'm sorry for the bitterness and the angry words, and for hating you and for hating Hickok. I'm sorry that I couldn't forgive you. It wasn't your fault. I didn't know that then, but I know it now, and I'm sorry. I was such a bastard, and I'm sorry.'
"Pete?" Her dark blue eyes were searching deeply into his, bemused. The cold seemed forgotten somehow.
He smiled at her, down into her lovely face, and felt some of the anger diminish, some of the pain subside. "I'm sorry for everything," he said simply.
She rewarded him with one of her broad, radiant Nan smiles; a smile that tugged at his heartstrings, but didn't hurt him the way it used to. He bent his head and smudged his lips across her temple, his hand curling in her thick, black hair.
"See you, Nan," he whispered, releasing her.
Nan turned, smiling faintly, watching him as he dashed down the steps and hailed a taxi. She touched her fingers to her temple, his kiss still tingling her skin, and her smile grew wider.
She turned again to navigate the remaining steps and then entered Scotland Yard, humming under her breath. She closed her eyes and breathed in the familiar, beloved scent of stale cigarette smoke and burnt coffee, letting her ears fill once more with the sound of shoes squeaking over linoleum floors, raucous laughter trailing down the halls. Her lids flew open, wincing slightly under the ugly, harsh neon light. Everything was the same, right down to the cracked leather sofa in the waiting area and the tea stains on the throw rug under her feet.
It was still ugly, it still smelled bad, the furniture was still repulsive, and the lighting was still terrible. But it was home and it felt marvellous to be back.
Nan sighed happily and continued on to the AMIT room, her crutches practically swinging from her hands. She didn't barge in as she had planned. Instead she stopped to peek through the door at the officers scattered around the large office: Kid, Jimmy, Cody, Buck, Lou, Ike, and Noah. Each was lounging at a different desk, feet propped here and there, some of them staring at the ceiling fan that whirled above their heads, some of them gazing blankly at computer screens or files. She spotted Jimmy at her desk; it was decked liberally with Man United emblems and snaps of her family and friends. Jimmy had one photo-of Nan and Kid dressed as two of the Spice Girls for last year's LMPF Halloween party-in his broad hands and he was chuckling at it.
The room was a mess, decorated haphazardly with posters and paintings that various officers had accumulated over the years. Desks were overrun with papers and old Styrofoam takeaway cartons, half-empty tea mugs staining folders and tables. This was the Area Major Incident Team's only real home, no matter how many stations they were sent to, no matter how many months they were away.
She stared inside so intently that she failed to notice Ike had risen from his chair and was making his way toward the door. She didn't notice, in fact, until the door had opened before her, giving way underneath her hands, and she was falling to the floor with a terrific crash.
Every officer present flew to their feet with a clattering of chairs and stampeding of feet. The room became a chaotic rush of voices.
"Jesus, Nan, are you all right?"
"Are you hurt, Nan?"
"I'm so sorry, Nan! I didn't see you there!"
"Nan, can you hear me?"
"How many fingers am I holding up?"
This last was from Cody, who hovered above Nan with three fingers splayed broadly apart not more than two inches from her face. She glared up at him from her undignified position, flat on the floor with all four limbs at various angles.
"Nan! How many fingers?" Cody urged anxiously, wiggling the three digits for extra effect.
She pushed herself up to a sitting position, rubbing her forehead. "Twelve," she muttered.
Jimmy was beside her, helping her to her feet. His eyes were twinkling merrily. "That'll teach you to sneak up on us."
"So much for making a dignified entrance," she agreed.
Ike was looking mortified with guilt. "God, Nan, I'm so sorry."
She pretended to frown at him for a moment before ruffling his closely-cropped hair. "Just don't do it again, McSwain," she commanded in mock-gruff tones.
There was a flurry of voices again, this time rising and falling with laughter and conversation. Nan found herself seated at her desk with Lou at her side and the boys clustering around them like waiting attendants.
Lou studied Kid and Jimmy deep in conversation. She nudged Nan gently, nodding in the direction of the two friends. "What do you think they're talking about?" she whispered slyly.
Nan's smile grew wicked. "Probably us."
"Probably," Lou agreed with a laugh. Pausing, she looked down at her hands, unsure how to broach the subject foremost in her mind. Finally she decided to just come out with it. "Jimmy told me...about the decision he made."
"Decision?" echoed Nan.
"I hope you don't mind him talking it over with me."
Nan looked at her, puzzled. "Of course I don't mind him talking anything over with you, Lou."
Lou was relieved. "I'm so glad. And I'm happy for him."
Quickly Nan searched her memory, trying to work out what may have happened to Jimmy that Lou should be glad for him. She gave up. "I'm sorry, Lou, I don't know what you're talking about."
"About London. About Jimmy staying." Lou stopped short, mortified. She remembered Jimmy saying that neither of them had broached the subject, that they were each too afraid of what the other might decide. "He hasn't told you, has he?"
Nan's breath caught in her throat. Suddenly there was nothing in the room but Lou and the words she had just spoken, words that seemed to reverberate in her ears. "And what has he-" her voice came out a desperate squeak. She cleared her throat and continued, ignoring the burn of tears threatening. "And what has he decided?"
"Oh God, Nan, I shouldn't have said anything. He'll want to tell you himself."
"Oh," was all Nan could manage. Tears pooled at the corners of her eyes. 'So he'd rather break the news himself,' she thought. 'Well, that's something at least.'
Lou saw immediately that Nan was assuming the worst. "Oh, no, no, no!" she rushed to explain. "He's staying, Nan. He's decided to stay."
Busy imagining herself lying in bed without Jimmy by her side, making nightly telephone calls across the ocean, crying into her gin and tonics at the pub while Geoff comforted her, it took a moment for Nan to realise what Lou had just said. "He's what?" she asked, sniffling.
Lou smiled then and laughed at Nan's tragic expression. Knowing that Jimmy was going to stay gave the moment a comical twist. "He's staying, you idiot," she teased. She brushed Nan's hair away from her face. "Did you honestly think he was just going to go back to New York without even asking you to come with him? Did you honestly think he could stand to be away from you?"
Sniffling again, Nan attempted to dry her eyes, giving Lou a watery smile. "Well," she admitted, "I do drive him quite mad sometimes."
"I think that's part of the attraction," Lou noted wryly.
Nan wiped her tears away with the cuff of her shirt. She glanced over at Jimmy, still laughing with Kid, and wanted to burst into fresh sobs, this time from sheer happiness. Jimmy was staying! He was staying here, in London, with her. He was giving up his life in New York, and he was doing it willingly. He hadn't even asked her to leave London, even though she would have, and gladly. Nan wanted to rush over and kiss every square inch of his face ten times over, but she restrained herself.
"I feel terrible, though, Nan," continued Lou. "I wasn't supposed to be the one to tell you!"
"That's all right." Nan grinned sheepishly. "Kid wasn't supposed to tell me he was leaving, but he couldn't help himself."
"He told you?" squealed Lou. "When?"
"He rang me earlier today to see how I was doing. I asked how you were, and he just burst out with it!" She laughed. "I don't think he could help himself. He's so excited."
"I know. He's giving up a lot for me."
"Well, he's always wanted to see America and he's very anxious to work under Teaspoon. And he loves you, Lou, very much."
Nan's gentle words brought sudden tears to Lou's brown eyes. She loved Kid so much, and the fact that he was willing and happy to move to New York meant more to her than words could say. Her tears elicited more from Nan, and soon they were sobbing happily together, while laughing at their own absurdity at the same time. They didn't notice the men watching them until it was too late.
"Oi, Kidwell! Hickok!" called Ike. "Come and take a look at these two!"
"What got into you two?" asked Kid with a raised eyebrow, fighting back laughter.
"Nothing," they both sniffed at the same time.
"Women," Cody muttered darkly.
"I think you're a little too emotional, Nan," commented Jimmy, arms folded as he studied her sceptically. "Maybe we should go home."
"No, I'm fine," she insisted. "Really, I'm fine." The way he said 'home' warmed her insides. He had used the word before to refer to her cosy little flat, but it had never registered as deeply as it did now. Her home was Jimmy's home now.
"You sure?"
Nan reached for his hand, threading their fingers together. "I'm sure."
Buck clapped his hands together expectantly. "All right, everyone. It's the end of a very long week. Hell, it's the end of a long case. We've got Nan back, we've got nothing else to do…who's in the mood for a celebration? How about drinks and lunch at the pub?"
"I don't think you need to ask this lot twice," interjected Noah as cheers erupted from every corner.
Everyone jumped immediately into action, grateful for the suggestion. Their mutual boredom had grown to agonising proportions. An evening in the pub was just what they needed.
Jimmy was in the middle of it all, talking and laughing with everyone, teasing Lou and punching Cody as he slipped into his coat. Nan grinned to herself. They would go to the pub for a while, and they would have a few drinks and a few laughs, feeling the comfort and joy of being with their friends. And then they would go home together.
Home. Home was the pair of them now, watching telly on the sofa, eating takeaway curry, decorating the flat for Christmas. Home was using his razor to shave her legs despite his repeated requests for her to use her own. It was Jimmy's socks lying on the floor no matter how many times she told him to pick them up. It was their toothbrushes in the cabinet side by side, and it was lazy Sunday mornings in bed reading the paper and talking. It was knowing his favourite meals and planning holidays and complaining about the rising prices of eggs. And it was more than that. As Jimmy reached for her again, their hands fitting perfectly together, Nan knew just what home was.
Home was Jimmy.