Chapter Thirty-Seven: Cripple Time, Fun Time!

Note: This chapter is merely for shits and giggles to commemorate the one year anniversary of the story, which passed on June 26th, so you can skip it if you want. It's noncanonical to ADD. I also have a bad and crude sense of humour, it seems, so if you don't find it funny, shove your comments up your ass. I already told you about my sense of humour.

This chapter includes, but is not limited to: M-rated lemon, crossovers, violence, Kenji and anti-feminism, car chases, drills, lots of coarse language, freedom, offensive content, computation errors, unrealistic situations, sp00ky plumbing problems, possibly odd translations, and best girl. Anything you say can and will be used against you in an anti-feminist court of law, so butter up your pooper real good, cupcake.

"Alright, you know the drill."

"Wahaha~! Of course."

"Let's hop to it, then."

Kenji opened the door and stepped out of the car, his red and gold tie flapping with the breeze as he shut the door. I followed suit, my solid red tie swinging back and forth and my black suit blazer getting toyed with by the wind. I spun around briefly and looked at the car, a matte black Mitsubishi Lancer, before checking to see if I had my sidearm and following my partner.

The sound of children playing in a nearby park echoed. Kenji stood in front of the small home's door, anxiously pacing back and forth. He looked at me like a kid who was being forced to go shopping with his mother when he wanted to play video games at home; in other words, he was rushing me, since he decided to rush to the door while I had a leisurely pace. I stopped in front of the door and Kenji turned around to begin knocking.

"Hello?" he called after pounding his fist on the wooden portal. "Open up!"

The sound of several locks being undone was muffled through the door, but we could tell that the person in question was paranoid nonetheless. The door slowly opened, an obnoxious meowing coming from within, and revealed to us the home's tenant, a rotund man with two tufts of orange hair sticking out of his egg-shaped head. He was wearing a red shirt, blue pants, and blue suspenders.

"Who are you?" he asked with some sass, exhaling heavily.

Kenji and I both reached inside our jackets to retrieve our badges. We held them up and, like in the movies, let them open themselves with the blessing of gravity.

"Detective Setou and Detective Riese, Sendai Metropolitan Police Department," Kenji said. We flipped our badges up and returned them to our jacket pockets. "May we come in?"

He shook his head. "No, you may not. I didn't do anything."

I faced my partner and gave him a look that said "He's suspicious." He nodded, a signal to continue. I dug inside my jacket and produced the search warrant we were given. "We have a warrant, sir," I said, showing the legal document to the man.

With an angry groan, he moved out of the doorway. "Come in, detectives." His words were obviously forced and begrudging.

Kenji and I walked inside and I looked around. The home was small and lacked a second floor. The walls were barren, just plain olive drab wallpaper, and the floors were hard wood, composed of laminate oak. I turned toward Kenji, who motioned to the living room area.

"Can I get you detectives something to drink?" the rotund man asked, his words soaked with loathing.

Kenji and I shrugged. "Sure," my partner said. "Just some water."

The rotund man nodded and walked into his kitchen while we went into the living room. At first glance, it appeared to be a rather bland living room, with a couch, a coffee table, a thirty-two inch HDTV from 2010, a couple of black filing cabinets, and a computer desk with a 1983 IBM on it, but Kenji and I were more perceptive than that. The computer was what really made the house's occupant suspicious, for it was on and running Windows 98 without a problem, two very impossible things.

He went straight to the desk, while I went to the filing cabinets. I opened the top drawer, labelled "Super Duper Secret Plans" in Russian, and began sifting through the papers. At the top of them all, "By Doctor Ivo Robotnik" was written; "Captain Pronin" was written underneath, but scratched out. None of them seemed to help our search any, merely solidifying that the man in question was delusional. He wrote of "chaos emeralds" and "Sonic," a supposedly bipedal blue hedgehog who "gotta go fast." Another document told of this Sonic's Muslim cousin who "gotta go blast."

I moved to the second drawer, labelled "Top Secret Blueprints and Stuff." It contained nothing of interest, either, though the blueprint for a double-decker couch was certainly appealing. As I was about to open the bottom drawer, labelled "Totally Not What You Think It Is," Kenji exclaimed, "Got it!"

I spun around and walked toward him. "You shitting me?"

He shook his head and pulled a piece of paper out of the folder in his hand, shoving it to me. "Read."

I took the paper and began to look it over. The writing was in English. "'Dear DOCTOR ROBOTNIK, we here at the Feminist Association for Revolution Today appreciate your support and contributions to our campaign. It pleases us to know that you agree that all men are pigs that rape womyn merely by existing and...' Fuck, I can't read this shit."

"Hurts your eyes, doesn't it?" my partner asked.

"It hurts more than my eyes, man... He's associated with FART?"

Kenji nodded and pulled his handcuffs out. "Let's book 'em."

We walked out of the living room, only to get forcefully pushed out of the way. Robotnik ran by us and literally broke through the front door. Without hesitation, Kenji and I followed, the both of us drawing our sidearms. I was out the door first, so I raised my M1911 toward the running fugitive and shouted, "Freeze!" Why did I even do that? It's so cliché...

He kept running, so I fired a warning shot. He didn't even flinch as the bullet hit the ground next to his foot and he opened a car door, pulling an old lady out. He threw her on the ground, possibly shattering her hip and forcing her to call LifeAlert, and pulled away, with Kenji firing several shots at the vehicle from his CZ75. His shots hit along the door and rear end of the vehicle, but not the intended targets: the tires. I slid over the hood of our car and quickly opened the driver side door. I hopped in, started the engine, and pulled out as soon as Kenji got in, doing a completely legal U-turn.

Kenji rolled his window down and reached into the backseat. He grabbed a weapon, an HK417 rifle, and leaned out of the window. I put the pedal to the medal, swerving in and out of traffic. The perp still had a decent lead, so I turned on the sirens to try and get the civilians to move out of the way.

There were a couple pops of gunfire, meaning Kenji was taking shots. His aim was usually good, but the moving target's tires were apparently too difficult to hit, even when we were going steadily. We rounded a corner at a high speed, traffic moving out of the way as best they could.

Robotnik ended up driving through a small market, Kenji and I following closely behind. He ran people down indiscriminately. Kenji took a few more shots and managed to pop a tire. Robotnik swerved and crashed his stolen automobile into the top of an escalator at one of the subway entrances.

However, as I made the turn to come to a stop, someone hopped on top of the car: a girl with pink hair done in twin tails, a blue shirt with a red bow tie, and a blue skirt. I swerved, trying to shake them off, but she held on and swung a blade at Kenji. He ducked back into the car and threw the HK into the back seat.

"I fucking killed this bitch," he muttered as he drew his CZ75 and aimed it at her through the windshield. "What the fuck is she still doing alive?"

I did a double take. "You killed her? Because she looks very 'not killed' right now."

Kenji nodded and pulled the trigger three times, scoring three direct hits to the stomach. She kept holding on, however, and punched through the glass, a manic look on her face.

"You tried to kill Yuki!" she exclaimed as she grabbed Kenji, her eyes wild. She looked legitimately insane.

"But you actually killed him," Kenji calmly and loudly replied. "You stupid cunt!"

She growled loudly. "Fuck you!" She drew out the vowel in the first word as she tried pulling Kenji out, who was punching her in the face.

The cracked and bloodied glass made it hard to see, and I ended up swerving too much. Somehow, I made a turn so tight that the car flipped onto the hood and then back onto the wheels twice, with the windshield somehow falling forward. Were I an Asian woman, this would've ended very badly. The psycho chick got thrown around and fell off of the car, likely breaking her back from the flipping.

The engine of the Lancer was smoking, so Kenji and I got out, only suffering minor injuries. I looked at the girl, who rose back to her feet, blood running down her clothes. She flashed a creepy and bloody grin, only to charge at Kenji. Without hesitation, I raised my 1911 and pulled the trigger twice, both bullets smacking her in the face. Her body went limp and her knife impaled her as she fell to the ground.

I just gaped at the corpse. Should I have been proud that I somehow made her stab herself in death or should I have been shocked that I killed a teenager? I was leaning towards the former, since that was kind of badass.

"C'mon," Kenji said, patting my shoulder as he jogged by. "We got to keep moving. He went into one of those apartment buildings."

I agreed and followed him, deciding not to dwell on the fact I just killed a teenage girl. We ran across the street and into the dilapidated apartment building, running up several flights of stairs. We eventually reached the top, where we found the perp.

Kenji raised his CZ75 and aimed it at the rotund fellow. "You're under arrest, Ivo Robotnik!"

Robotnik was standing on the edge of the building, another building within jumping distance. The rotund man began to walk toward us, but turned around and began to run. Kenji and I followed suit, jumping across the building. However, my jump was too early, and I ended up not making it to the roof.

"SHIIIIIIIT!" I shouted as I flew toward a window, hearing someone shout "Fuck her right in the pussy!" from below. I braced myself, arms in front, as my body smashed through the window. The glass shattered around me and I rolled, performing parkour, but the shattering of glass wasn't the only thing to reach my ears.

Moaning?

I stood up and looked to my right, only for my nose to start bleeding profusely. Hanako and Miki were both naked on a bed, Hanako on top and wearing a certain phallic accessory. Both moaned out of pleasure, looking straight at me. My heart began to beat rapidly - too rapidly, in fact. As I watched the scarred girl thrust and pull back, both of their pairs of breasts bouncing, I slowly felt my head getting heavier and heavier.

Miki's moaning turned into outright shouting. Hanako's moans of pleasure were little more than frantic whimpers.

My chest tightened up and began burning.

"What is life?" I muttered as I fell to the ground.

"Adolf..."

My eyes fluttered open. Where am I? I sat up and looked around, noting that I was in some sort of Japanese classroom. It was pretty rundown, by all means.

"Adolf..."

I looked around again, reaching inside my pocket for my gun, but I wasn't able to procure anything. "Who is it?"

From behind the door, a boy emerged, wearing a dark blue blazer, a blue tie, and blue pants, complete with grayish-blue hair. I recognized the perverse fellow immediately.

"Muttsulini!" I exclaimed excitedly. "What are you doing here?"

Kouta Tsuchiya shook his head. "That's not important. What is important is..." he leaned in close. "What was it like?" he whispered.

"What?"

"Seeing two girls..." He shrugged. "Y'know. Doing... stuff."

I got his message and grinned devilishly. "It was... it was bliss, Muttsulini. Pure, unadulterated bliss."

Kouta nodded, a slight nosebleed forming from the mere thought of such lewd actions. "Did you get any pictures?"

I shook my head, raising my hand afterward and tapping it. "The only photos I have are up here."

He sighed. "Well, if I were you... I'd suggest you get out of here."

"How come? It's cozy."

Kouta shook his head. "You must continue to inspire perverts in your part of the country." He grabbed me by the shoulders. "No one peeps alone, remember that... speaking of peeping..." He wiped his nose and produced a mass of photographs and photo albums. "Would you like to purchase any?"

I looked at a few and nodded. "How much for all the shots of Minami?"

He cocked an eyebrow. "All of them? Fifty thousand." I pulled out my wallet and produced five ten thousand yen bills. I handed them to Kouta and, in exchange, he handed me a pretty heavy photo album with backpack straps and a pack of tissues. "I get the feeling you're going to need those."

I looked at him awkwardly and leaned in close. "Can I get some of Hideyoshi as well as some of... Akihisa in a maid outfit?"

Without missing a beat, he nodded and produced a few photos, handing them to me. "The best ones I have. Ten thousand."

I produced another ten thousand yen bill, handed it to him, and slid the wallet back into my pocket. "So, is there any other reason I should leave?" I asked as I put the photo album, complete with the other pictures, on my back. The pack of tissues slipped right into my pants pocket.

Kouta nodded and pointed toward the door in the far side of the room. "Them."

Suddenly, a bunch of black-clad men, similar in appearance to a bunch of Ku Klux Klanners, appeared. The FFF Inquisition, I observed. The leader of the group pointed at me as I scrambled to my feet.

"Men! Grab him!"

"Shit... how do I get out of here?" I frantically asked.

Kouta pointed toward the window. "Just make it outside."

I nodded, turned, and began to run. "Thank you, Muttsulini!"

"STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM!" they all shouted as they sprinted toward me.

"Take photos next time!" Kouta called.

"I will!" I shouted back as I leapt through the window, breaking the glass and shouting as I fell.

I shot up immediately, feeling an odd weight on my back. I looked over my shoulder and spotted the photo album, with backpack straps, still there. The tissues were also tangible in my pants pocket. "So that wasn't a dream...?"

I looked around and noticed that, for some reason, I was on the street. A brown haired fellow was walking away from a white Toyota Trueno with two bags in his hands. I ran to him and held out my badge.

"Sendai Metropolitan Police Department, I need to commandeer your vehicle."

Reluctantly, he handed me the keys and I ran to the vehicle, pushing past a brown haired individual who immediately clutched his chest and fell to the ground. I stopped and looked down, recognizing him as Hisao. Since I was meant to serve and protect, I kneeled down and told him to concentrate his breathing. He complied and began breathing slower and steadier until he was able to get back up. Who the hell has a heart attack after getting bumped into?

"Shit," he muttered. "Thanks, Adolf."

"Not a problem, Hisao. Just... be more active and much less dense."

"What?" He shook his head. "Never mind. Have you seen Emi?"

"Nope!" I shouted. By then, I was pulling my cell phone out as I opened the door, which had "Fujiwara Tofu Delivery" plastered on it. I sat inside and put the key into the ignition, making the thirty-some year old car's engine roar to life, while I dialed Kenji. Impatience set in and my feet began tapping on the floor.

"Dude, what the hell happened?" Kenji said as soon as I got through.

"I fell, long story short. Where the hell are you?"

"Chasing that fat bastard! He's in a green Mitsubishi Eclipse."

Just then, a green Mitsubishi Eclipse flew past me, our no-longer-smoking Lancer close behind. "I got you guys."

I spun the car around and put the pedal to the metal, giving me a feeling like I was running in the nineties. I shifted to second gear and felt a decent boost in speed. The Trueno was, without a shadow of a doubt, modified, probably for illegal street races. The whole time, Kenji and I stayed on the phone with each other to coordinate out movements. Without sirens, I had to weave in and out of traffic.

"Hey," I said once we got onto a bridge. "You know Katakana?"

"Matsumoto, yeah," Kenji replied. "Epileptic guy who probably wears platform shoes. What about him?"

"I wonder if he has a sister named Hiragana."

"GODDAMMIT!" I almost let my foot off of the gas as an unexpected voice joined the fray: Katakana's. "Stop with the fucking jokes!"

Suddenly, the bridge we were on shook violently. A cloud of smoke blew out from the side about half a mile away.

"Stop right there! Sendai Police Department!" I heard through the phone, coming from Katakana's end.

"I didn't do anything!" he shouted, almost certainly lying.

"Don't move and don't talk, maggot!"

"But I did-"

There was an audible thud. "I said don't move or talk!" The sound of the phone being picked up played through the speaker. "Who is this?" Kenji and I spoke at the same time, identifying ourselves as detectives for the police department. "Sorry, detectives. Carry on."

"Odd," Kenji muttered loud enough for the receiver to pick up after the officer ended the call.

I chuckled. "I know, right?"

I continued to weave in and out of traffic, driving past the gaping and smoldering hole that Katakana presumably created. Some unfortunate cars were in the river below. We crossed the bridge and I kept close to the Lancer. The green Eclipse eventually turned into another market of some sort, running more people down. Kenji and I followed, swerving to avoid pedestrians. We emerged from the market, only to lose the Eclipse. Kenji and I both pulled over and exited our vehicles.

"Goddammit!" Kenji shouted as he paced around. "Just fucking great!"

I pushed past him and opened the door to the Lancer. I grabbed the microphone and pressed the PTT button. "Sierra Papa One, this is Delta Alpha Romeo. Requesting an APB on a green 2015 Mitsubishi Eclipse, and a rotund man with two orange tufts coming out his head named Ivo Robotnik."

"Say again, Delta Alpha Romeo, a green Mitsubishi Eclipse, model year two-zero-one-fife?" the operator replied. God did I hate voice procedure, but at least she got the physical description.

"Affirmative."

Over the police scanner, the operator began repeating the APB. I closed the door and walked over to Kenji. "Can't believe we lost him."

I sighed. "Yeah... He was there one second, and then-"

"WAHAHAHAHAHA~!"

Oh god, I know that laugh.

Out of nowhere, a pink helicopter lowered itself, a giant drill attached to the bottom. Piloting was the president of the Student Council, Shizune Hakamichi. I didn't have to look to know Kenji was giving a death glare.

"Why in the FUCK does that whore wear glasses if she's fuckin' deaf?" he asked, angrily walking back to the Lancer and popping the trunk. "I have wondered that for I don't know how goddamn long!"

"Wahahaha~!" a familiar, drilled individual's voice boomed over the beating of the helicopter's rotors. "Kenji-kun, Adolf-chan, don't do anything irrational!"

"She likes me more," I jabbed, taking note of the cutesier suffix. Kenji didn't seem like he cared, since he shrugged and raised his middle finger toward the helicopter.

"Time to take the law into my own hands," Kenji muttered, shaking his head and scoffing loudly afterward, though Misha was obviously unable to hear it. He turned around with a new toy in his hand: an M72 LAW. "I'm here," Kenji bellowed. "To maintain LAW and order!"

"That was bad," I said, jamming my hands in my pockets. "You should feel bad."

Kenji shrugged and aimed the rocket launcher. However, Shizune lowered the helo lower and Misha did something, causing her drill to... drill. Literally. It drilled into the ground. Only then did I realize that the helo's rotors were also in the shape of drills, drills that could possibly pierce the heavens. Drills that probably already pierced the heavens and then some.

The ground shook violently as the drill kept spinning, churning up asphalt and throwing a car or two. Kenji fell down and dropped the launcher. I tumbled with him as the helicopter got lower and lower, but someone suddenly came to a stop. Out of nowhere, an odd conglomeration of... random shit, to be quite literal, barreled into the helo. It shook and suddenly began to ascend.

Kenji and I both stood, wiping off our suits. Kenji grabbed the LAW and readied it, though I began to look at our supposed savior, who was probably a superhobo. He seemed oddly familiar, though.

"Maru?" Kenji asked, lowering the M72 just a bit.

I took another look at the superhobo. He was ridiculously familiar... The one guy with the really ghetto prostheses!

Maru turned around and flashed an odd grin. "In the flesh! Or out of... whichever floats your boat!"

"Who are you?" I asked, walking forward.

"I'm Maruman!" He raised his arm, which had some sort of... Marublaster or something, attached. "And I'm-a firing my laser!" He aimed it at the helicopter and a large blue laser beam came out, accompanied by a "BWAAAAAAH!"

"Shoop da Whoop?" I muttered, confused at the revival of a long-dead meme. I was actually fond of it long ago, but...

The Marublaster's beam cut into the Drillocopter's tail, severing it, just as Kenji launched a rocket at the main body, leaving a smoldering hole in the cargo bay. The Drillocopter began to spin, accompanied by a very frantic and disturbing laugh from Misha, which was something like, "WAHAHAHAHAHOOOO SHIT!." Shizune and Misha both dove out of the doomed helicopter and parachuted to safety, only to get surrounded by the SMPD SWAT team as the Drill o'Destruction embedded itself into the ground, causing the ground to shake. Maruman looked at us and nodded.

"Thanks a lot," Kenji said, laying down the LAW.

"Yep!" Maruman said with a cheeky, imperfect grin. He jumped into the air, throwing a couple Cheerios and shouting, "FREE DOUGHNUT SEEDS!" before falling on his face. "Ow, critical failure. Maru dot ee-ex-ee has encountered a problem and must be closed. Send error report?"

"Uh... don't send," I said as I walked toward him, ready to help him to his feet.

He suddenly hopped up and began to run. "My work is done! Time for PIIIIIIIZZAAAAAA!" he shouted as he rounded the corner, somehow having very good mobility on the crude wooden prosthetic.

I looked at him and suddenly shouted, "No, I'm the hero!" I shook my head and walked back to Kenji. "Why the hell did I just say that?"

Kenji was unfazed by Maruman's... whatever the hell that was, and walked to the Lancer. He opened the back door and reached inside, grabbing the German-made rifle out of the backseat. "We can't go that way," he pointed toward the helicopter crash, "and there're all those cars piled up over there... We have to go through this alleyway." He motioned to the alleyway right in front of us, which had gunfire echoing throughout.

"I don't like this," I muttered as I followed my partner into the unnerving alley, my Colt drawn.

We walked several yards in and came to a T-section. To our right was a blocked off area with an oddly impermeable yellow tape preventing any access. "Area Unlocked With Purchase of ALLEYWAY DLC Upon Release" was written in bold text all over each strip of tape. Goddammit, I hate waiting for such trivial DLC...

We ended up taking the left path, which had blood spattered all over the ground, various types of shell casings rolling around in said blood. We rounded another corner and came upon two people, one uncannily familiar man in Marine fatigues with sandy blonde hair and a girl in a school uniform with ridiculously huge boobs and purple hair. Both were holding a katana of some sort in their hands and bodies with a sickly stone-gray skin tone were littered about.

The blonde guy spun around and aimed his other weapon, an M1911, at us. "Saeko, behind-" He paused. "Wait, are you human?"

"Sendai Metropolitan Police Department!" Kenji shouted, raising his HK. "Yes, we're hu- wait a second, Adolf, what the hell are you doing over there? Why are you in Marine fatigues?"

"Jake, why are you over there in a suit?" the busty girl said, pointing toward me.

"Huh?" the marine asked, looking at his female companion. "I'm right here!" She did a double take and began to look between me and the marine, whose eyes shot to Kenji. "And my name's Jake."

"Don't fuck with me, Adolf. Man, I know it's you."

"Uh... Kenji..." He spun and faced me. "I'm right here."

Kenji joined Saeko on looking back and forth between us. I walked forward, toward the marine, and we both sighed as the other two got closer together, their eyes wide.

"Wonder what they're so confused about," he muttered, looking over his 1911 in his right hand and his blood-soaked katana in his left.

"Yeah, it's odd." I looked at my Colt, as well. "Nice gun you have there."

"Likewise."

Suddenly, several loud groans came from the alley that Kenji and I came from. Saeko and Jake both began to run toward the groaning. "Get out of here!" Saeko shouted, waving her hand away. Kenji and I didn't complain, since zombies weren't on the agenda.

We ran out into the street, which was oddly normal. Kenji lowered the rifle, held it with one hand, and looked around, scratching his head. "Where the hell are we?" he asked.

"Still in Sendai," I said. "Somewhere in it, at least."

All was quiet, but the silence and normalcy was quickly broken by, "SENPAI!"

"Oh shit," Kenji and I both said as we turned to face the source of the cry. In a dead sprint was Aoi Iwasaki, my kouhai from my single year at Yamaku Academy.

"NOTICE ME, SENPAI!" she shouted, her brown hair pushed back by air resistance. She began to take her clothes off, as well.

Using my Fast Hands, I holstered my M1911 and drew the Intervention from my back. She kept running toward us as I began to spin in a circle. My feet quickly and powerfully pushed off of the ground, launching me in the air. My brain, fueled by the stimulating serum that is Mountain Dew and the invigorating powder of Doritos, quickly assessed the situation. With reflexes attributable to all the Game Fuel, I bounced the handguard off of my left hand a few times and brought the rifle's scope just next to my eye, my right index finger pulling the trigger. The rifle didn't have any recoil whatsoever as the .408 round was launched out of the barrel.

"SENPA-" Aoi's cry was cut off as she fell to the ground with a thud.

I stuck the landing and cycled the bolt, the spent shell being ejected. I leaned in next to her limp, mystically unharmed body and shouted, "WHERE YOU AT?! OH, WHERE YOU AT?! GET FUCKIN' REKT! FUCKIN' CHRISTMAS SCRUB!"

Smoke weed everyday, Nate Dogg's voice echoed in my mind as the killcam was replayed as the "Game Winning Kill." I really wished my mom could've gotten the camera, but...

Then, the earth began to quake.

"TACTICAL NUKE INBOUND!" I shouted, noticing that the Intervention was gone. I ignored the possibility that the Earth itself was in awe at my sick qu1ck5c0p3z and the 1337 twenty-four killstreak I had going on, Hardline being quite a life-saver.

The earthquake was a pretty violent one, causing a couple cars to crash into each other and another old lady to fall down and break her hip. The ground beneath Kenji and myself began to crumble away, but for some reason, neither of us could move our legs. I looked at Kenji, who looked at me with an extremely confused look.

"Any idea what's going on?" he asked, gripping his rifle with both hands.

"Nope."

My sense of security by being on stable footing quickly disappeared as we fell into the chasm. I was unimpressed, strangely, and actually yawned as we fell.

My eyes shot open and I looked around. It was kind of dark, an overwhelming scent of human urine clogging my nostrils. I stood up and pulled a flashlight out of my jacket, drawing my M1911 at the same time.

"Kenji!" I called while shining the light around. I was in a Japanese elementary school of sorts, although it was probably abandoned since the 1970s. My voice echoed throughout the hallways, a slightly unnerving occurrence. I shined the light on the floor to my right and illuminated a bucket full of gelled piss.

"GET ME THE HELL DOWN!" my partner shouted from somewhere. "FUCKIN' SHIT, I DON'T LIKE THIS!"

I looked around and noticed that the floor caved in several places, but there was a spot next to a classroom's door just narrow enough for me to safely jump across. I backed up a little and began to run, springing across at the last second. I landed on the other side, the floor creaking loudly.

I looked around and saw nothing of interest, nor an indication of where Kenji was. A staircase was right in front of me, which I decided was my best bet. I climbed the stairs, which were equally as creaky and in disrepair as the rest of the building; however, immovable chairs blocked my progress. I walked back down and, looking to my left, saw a path. After crossing through a classroom with odd writings on the chalkboard - some sort of satanic-looking ritual with penguins or something - I passed by a locked classroom and made another left, like a NASCAR driver. A piece of wood was lying over the gap in the floor, which saved me the hassle of jumping. I crossed and ascended the stairs. The floor I wound up on, the third floor, was empty. Again, I shined the light around and spotted a piece of paper that, in Japanese, informed me of the bathrooms.

I walked into the boys' room, which was right next to the note. I strolled by the first three stalls, which didn't seem able to open, and stopped in front of the fourth.

"Maybe Kenji's in here," I muttered as I opened the door.

As it swung all the way open, it suddenly shot forward and shut in my face. "SHUT THE GODDAMNED DOOR!" a male voice boomed, a voice that certainly didn't belong to Kenji.

I felt a little angry, but also curious. "Ding dong," I said in an attempt to elicit a response.

"...Who's there?" the same voice said, albeit much calmer and slightly confused.

I raised my foot and kicked the door in. "AMERICA, MOTHERFUCKER!"

My light shined over what was inside: a blue apparition of a man dressed in clothes from the late 1940s. He looked startled at first, but immediately flared his nostrils and slammed the door shut again.

I stood there for a second and gawked at how territorial he was over the stall. He didn't know if I had to drop one or not, which I didn't, but he still didn't know.

"I know you're still out there," the ghost said.

"Yeah, I am."

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Shoot."

There was a moment of silence. "Why did you say 'ding dong' instead of 'knock knock?'"

I cleared my throat. "Because freedom rings."

"..."

"..."

"...get out."

"With pleasure."

I walked out of the bathroom and decided to go into the girls' restroom. With any luck, I would've been attacked by another toilet ghost. Immediately, I walked to the third stall, knowing of the old legend of that chick in the toilet, but it was locked.

Well, shit. Instead, I moved to the fourth stall and opened it, only to be greeted by an even more pleasant sight.

A cute teenage girl was buttering up her pooper.

We looked at each other awkwardly, her panties around her thighs. She slowly moved her finger around the area that needed buttered, her brown drills bouncing ever so slightly.

Slowly, I backed out of the stall and closed the door, our eyes still locked. With what just transpired etched into my mind, I then walked out of the restroom, certain that I'd never see anything like that again.

I began down the stairs again, shining my light all around, and spotted a darkened part of the hall. Curious, I walked toward it and caught a whiff of something nasty. I rounded the corner and illuminated a splendid sight: blood and guts decorating a wall. I casually walked past the gore and stopped in front of a door labelled "INFIRMARY," which I sensed I would return to at some later point, probably to play cards with myself and some little girl's dead mother.

I heard swearing coming from inside the infirmary, so, without command, my legs slowly drifted closer. My hand grabbed the "handle" and slid the door open, revealing Kenji hanging upside down with a peculiar black mist behind him.

"My little Sachi, is that you?" a eerie voice whispered.

"Fuck you and your Sachi," Kenji groaned, waving his rifle around.

Without a second thought, I pulled my partner down from the ceiling, my handgun and flashlight still in hand. He landed on his feet and began walking forward, just narrowly missing the mist's touch.

"Jesus!" he exclaimed as we went back into the hall, closing the door behind us.

"I. Will. Kill. You," the same eerie voice resonated.

"Or you can eat my shit, whichever floats your boat," I replied to the voice.

Kenji shook his head and looked at me. "That was... damn..." Suddenly, his eyes widened. "HOLY SHIT, BEHIND YOU!"

I spun around and illuminated a sp00ky dark gray face, which groaned in response. Startled, I raised the 1911 and squeezed off a couple of shots, somehow taking his right arm off, a sledgehammer in the severed arm's hand. I took a moment and looked at him closer, noting that his skin was a dark gray, his eyes had blood running down from them and were actually red, and he had black hair.

"Aaaaaahhhh!" he groaned, gripping where his lost appendage would've been. Kenji and I both began shouting with the man.

"Holy shit!" I shouted, holstering my Colt. "What did I do?"

"You fucking shot his arm off!" Kenji screamed.

"Whyyyyy...?" the zombie breathed, bloody tears streaming down his face.

"Look what you fucking did, Adolf! He's crying now!"

"Shut the hell up, Kenji, it's not my fault!" I looked at the armless guy. "Dude, don't sneak up on me!"

"What do we do?!"

"Uh, uh, uhuhuhuhuhuh..." I grabbed the fallen arm and raised it to the flailing zombie. "Hold still." He stopped, surprisingly, and I put the arm where it should've been. Oddly, it reattached with a squish. "Now, what the fuck were you behind me for?"

"Loooookiiiing... foooor pluuuumbeeeerrrrr..." he groaned.

"Plumber?" Kenji asked. "What for?"

"Fiiiiix... shooooweeeeerrr... neeeed toooo cleeeeaaaaan... tooooo diiiiiiirty..."

"What'd he say?" I asked, unable to decipher the droned out Japanese.

"He needs the guy to fix the shower. He..." He cocked an eyebrow at me. "This guy needs a damn shower, can't you smell? Damn, even he knows he needs one. Fucker looks like he hasn't been on a date in over a decade."

"You're not too hot with the ladies yourself."

"I'll have you know I was on a date just last night with a wonderful girl from Canada."

"You sure it wasn't a moose?"

"Positive."

I nodded and heard footsteps behind us and saw my shadow on the wall in front of us. I spun around and saw a thin fellow in denim overalls and green underclothes with a green hat shining a flashlight on us. The zombie guy groaned, "Pluuuuuumberrrr..." The plumber froze in place before starting to back away. I looked back at the zombie, who took a few steps forward and moaned, "Pleeeeeaaase waaaait..."

I looked back at the plumber just in time to see him spin around and run away. "MAAAAARIO!" he whined. "MARIO!"

I looked back at the zombie guy and he stopped in place, the plumber's screams echoing throughout the halls. The big guy sniffled and I saw more bloody tears form in the corners of his eyes. "I... juuuust waaaaaant toooo showerrrr..."

Kenji walked over to the zombie and stood next to him, raising his arm and patting the gray-skinned fellow's back. "It's okay man... I know how it feels to have cleanliness taken away by feminist bitches." The zombie merely nodded with a sniffle.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!"

I looked away from the touching scene to behind me. A girl in a red dress with a blue glow and a very pissed off look stated the three of us down. I shifted my view to the other two as she began walking forward. Zombie guy backed up a little and raised his arms.

"YOSHIKAZU!" the little girl boomed. "I TOLD YOU TO GET THE GODDAMN SHOWERS FIXED AND WHAT DO YOU DO? YOU LET THE PLUMBER GET AWAY A-FUCKING-GAIN!"

Yoshikazu, the zombie, lowered his head and groaned an apology, which he addressed to "Sachiko-sama."

"It doesn't take a damn genius to figure out that Ryou's gonna be a dick about it and try killing him," the girl said, having down a bit. She then noticed Kenji and myself and grinned devilishly. "Hehehe, so we have new playthings? ...Goddammit Yoshikazu, why the hell aren't they dead or anything? Ah, no matter..." She stepped forward, opening and closing a pair of bloodied scissors.

Out of the corned of my eye, I saw Kenji raise his rifle. "You little shit," he said. "DON'T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, YOU FEMINIST SLUT!"

For some reason, the girl stopped in her tracks and eyed us up, confused. "Wait... did either of you screw up the ritual?"

"Ritual?" I asked. "What?"

"Y'know, the Sachiko-Ever-After ritual, the reason you're here." She cocked an eyebrow. "Did you actually chant the right number of times? Since there're two of you, that means you chanted three times and included me... How odd."

Kenji stepped forward some. "Listen, bitch-"

I held my hand up and silenced Kenji. "Look, we know nothing about a ritual. We just got caught in an earthquake and, BAM! We're in this place."

She groaned and put her head down. "Well, shit. I was gonna have so much fun, too." She held up her hand and some sort of portal appeared. "Get out of here."

I decided against questioning, so I nodded and began dragging a seething Kenji to the portal. As we were about to go in, I saw the girl who was buttering up her pooper walking cautiously with another girl, both keeping their eyes trained on Yoshikazu and Sachiko, ignoring Kenji and myself; the former pair were facing the opposite direction, completely oblivious. I pushed Kenji through and, without thinking, grabbed the two of them, pushing them through before going through myself. Before I went completely in, I heard Sachiko talk again.

"Make damn sure you find the plumber before Ryou or those other two. We need to shower, dammit... hey, they can't go!"

"Too bad, so sad! Eat shit and stuff!"

I looked around, trying to identify our surroundings. It seemed like we were in another alleyway, with Kenji to my right and the two schoolgirls behind me. I looked at them and grabbed my cell phone, one of them, the drill-less one, really frightened.

"What is it, Riese?" the operator's voice said.

"Jesus, Suzuha. Trace the call, I've got two schoolgirls with me. Send a car and take 'em to the station." I looked at the really scared one at noticed that she stood awkwardly. "The girl with shorter hair's injured. I'll have a word with them after we catch this perp, alright?"

"You got it. You down for bingo Tuesday?"

"Send the damn car. I'm not an old fart."

She chortled. "Gotcha."

Kenji and I asked the girls to remain calm and informed them that a car was being sent to take them to the station. The girl with short cropped hair was basically catatonic, but the drilled girl kept making jokes about how shapely and perfect the other girl's ass was and was otherwise in a lively mood. The car arrived within a few minutes and we ushered them inside before returning to our pursuit.

We hurried down the alley and, much to our surprise, saw the fleeing doctor taking a breather next to a door. We both walked forward, guns trained on him.

"End of the line, Robotnik," I said. "Put your hands up."

He spun around and defiantly threw eggs at us, only managing to hit Kenji. Enraged, Kenji squeezed the trigger, hitting the perp in the leg. Robotnik didn't give up, though, and, as I was closing in to arrest him, he spun around, opened the door, and sprinted inside. Loud laughter from behind us caused me to stop and look just in time to see two familiar faces, one that should have had two bullet holes adorning it.

"Second and the Fastest Slut on No Legs," Kenji muttered, shouldering his rifle. Yamaku's legless track star, Emi Ibarazaki, and the girl I shot in the face twice both approached Kenji, devious grins basically glued on their faces and kept there with a load of Botox. Emi ran right to him and tried tackling the Anti-Feminist Crusader, but my partner sidestepped and tripped her, knocking a prosthetic loose. I raised my Colt as Kenji took on the other chick, who knocked his HK417 away. I tried to get a shot on the girl, but the two were moving around far too much for me to get a clear shot. She would lunge at Kenji with a knife while Kenji would dodge and slash with a broken whiskey bottle. I swore and fired a shot, managing to hit the girl in the thigh.

In the brief second I seemed to buy him, Kenji turned to face me and waved. "Go catch that fat feminist-friendly fucker! I've got these bitches!" He proceeded to grab her head and ram his knee into it.

I had my doubts and was intent on staying by my comrade. As I was about to step forward to assist my ally, another suited figure dropped from above, landing in front of me and, possibly intentionally, halting my advance. The figure turned to face me and, instantaneously, my brain matched his featureless green face with a name.

"Anon?" I asked, confused at my old friend's appearance. "But why?"

He cleared his throat. "For the lulz," Anon replied, giving me an invisible grin. He always shows up when lulz are to be had, I remembered.

We both turned toward the girls, who apparently had a pair of newcomers of their own while Kenji duked it out with Emi, who had replaced her prosthetic. The first newcomer in question was cute and had freckles and long, flowing blue hair decorated with a hair clip in the shape of a "t." Her clothing consisted of a flannel shirt and jeans, clothes typical of an old-school hipster from 2010, in addition to the thin, square-framed glasses she wore over her blue eyes. Anon and I both stepped forward, having had history with the newcomer, albeit our histories were slightly different; Anon and she were sort of romantically involved, though it was quite a peculiar love.

The second woman, however, was repulsive by my standards; Anon and I were both familiar with her, as well, both of our experiences similar. She was Kenji's true enemy. She was on the chubby side and had short cropped hair that was poorly dyed blue, a crooked pig-like nose, and piercings adorning her face, primarily her nose and ears. Her clothing consisted of a shirt too small for her with "PROUD FEMINIST" written on it in Comic Sans, with a poorly drawn fist smashing a Mars symbol beneath, and a pair of cut-off jean shorts with a belt buckle that had a "t" inside of the Venus symbol.

"Tumblr-tan!" Anon shouted to the more attractive of the two, stepping forward again. "What the fucking hell are you doing over there?!"

"CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE, YOU RAPIST!" the undesirable one shouted, legitimate specks of phlegm spraying out of her mouth.

Anon raised his hand to his face and let them introduce themselves. "Why the hell..."

"...is her twin here?" I finished, earning a nod. "I wonder the same thing."

Anon looked toward Tumblr-tan's sister and, although it wasn't visible, I could tell he was scowling. While Kenji elbowed Second in the face, the chubby sister ran toward us with what looked like a disproportionate gavel and shouted, "DOWN WITH THE PATRIARCHY!"

Anon and I merely sidestepped and watched as she tumbled onto the concrete. She heaved herself back to her feet, heavily breathing the whole time.

"What an autistic landwhale," Anon mused, cracking his knuckles as the feminist sister slowly approached the two of us. She swung at Anon, who grabbed her wrist. "Do you even lift, faggot?" He twisted her wrist, causing a howl of pain, and kicked her away. She fell on the ground, spread-eagle.

"Mi-mi... misogyny," she muttered as I walked forward, producing my handcuffs.

"You're under arrest for-"

"All of you cops are fucking chauvinists!" She tried to push me away and force the handcuffs out of my hand. "Can't you see that he attacked me first, that he raped me? It's misogyny!"

I shoved her to the ground and rolled her over, slapping the cuffs on. She threw her leg up and tried to hit me in the groin, but her thigh barely moved and her lower leg only managed to hit my ass. "So, you charging at an officer unprovoked and being knocked down out of self-defense makes you the attacked one, now? Let's tack resisting arrest on, shall we?" I tightened the handcuffs on her wrists, causing her to squirm in discomfort while Kenji threw Second head first into a brick wall and Anon just watched with Tumblr-tan.

She growled in response, followed by a shout of, "CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE, PIG! RAPE! CIS SCUM!"

Although irritated, I refrained from bashing her face in and, instead, got up. I turned to Anon, who nodded and stepped toward the handcuffed woman, who was still shouting that she was being raped; my ears were likely about to start bleeding from her voice. He squatted down and hoisted the woman up, carrying her to a nearby dumpster, visibly strained with every step. He tossed her inside and brushed his hands off with an invisible grin.

He looked at me and his unseen grin got wider. "Just taking out some cancerous trash." He motioned to the door with his hand. "Might wanna go get that neckbeard, bro. He's part of the cancer that's killing /b/."

I nodded and turned to the door, swinging it open, not even deciding to mention that all kinds of cancer are killing /b/. Tumblr-tan kept on loudly proclaiming what she was shipping and what she didn't before it was cool while I dashed inside and looked at the floor, noting that there was a blood trail leading up a staircase. I decided to follow the blood rather than sprint without thinking to the roof. I climbed the stairs two at a time, passing a man urinating in one corner after several flights and a woman fellating a man on the opposite side of the same floor.

The blood trail ended up leading to the roof, so I followed. Upon emerging, I encountered Mikhail, who was brushing off his pant leg. He saw me and nodded before pointing toward the edge of the building, where the perp was sprawled out.

"That man bumped into me and fell," he said. "All I heard him talk about was how the cops were coming for him, and since you're a cop..."

I nodded. "...we finally got the bastard. Thanks."

He nodded and walked into the building, muttering that he was still disappointed in me. Robotnik didn't look like he was going to be moving anytime soon, so I began to walk at a leisurely pace, looking around. Propped up near the edge of the building was a certain armless artist from the past, painting the scene below. On Rin's canvas were the streets below, decorated by explosions, car crashes, and death. I heard the roaring of a jet engine overhead and produced a pair of binoculars. I zeroed in on the low-flying aeroplane's cockpit, the familiar blonde head of a certain blind Japanese-Scot in the pilot's seat. I didn't even feel like questioning why Lilly was driving anything, since it was the fifth time that week she'd done so. She plowed the aerial transport right into one of the building's skyscrapers, causing debris and smoke to go everywhere as I kept walking to Robotnik. Rin didn't even flinch as a chunk of metal from the crash flew past her head, missing her cranium by a whopping ten centimetres at the most. Instead, She went to add a plane crashing into a building to her painting.

I crouched over the perpetrator and grabbed my handcuffs. He offered no resistance as I took his hands, placed them behind his back, and cuffed them together. "Ivo Robotnik, you're under arrest for conspiring with feminists, conspiring to do... illegal stuff, hit and run, grand theft auto, resisting arrest, not going fast, and... supporting feminists." Then, unlike most Japanese officers, I read him his rights, since I'm an American.

Somewhat exhausted from the constant running and adventure, I sat on the perp's back for a minute, basically teabagging the n00b for being such a scub and not even having l33t qu1ksc0p3z in our 1v1. He groaned in discomfort, causing me to look at him. My eyes, however, caught something rather intriguing. My hand slowly moved toward Robotnik's neck. Once there, my fingers grabbed onto an almost unnoticeable piece of false skin. I pulled it up and over, the mask slowly separating from the perp's actual head. Once it was completely removed, I tossed the mask aside and the perp's short brown hair rang a major bell. I stood up and rolled the criminal over, unable to believe what I saw.

"Sean?" I asked, confused. "What the fuck...?"

He sighed. "It's a long story."

I kicked him in the side, causing him to wince. "It better be a fucking good one. I can't believe that... that you..." I belched and glared at him. "You're gonna have fun at the precinct."

I pulled out my phone and, once again, called the station. I informed them of my approximate location and that helicopter extraction would probably be best. After a few minutes of silence between me and the traitorous Sean, the helicopter I requested landed on the rooftop. I pulled Sean up to his feet and prodded him along. I shoved him inside and hopped in myself. A sudden crashing that was louder than the helo distracted me and caused me to look back into the city, horrifying sight awaiting me.

A sixty meter tall humanoid lumbered about, short turquoise hair adorning its noggin. It had boobs and emerald green eyes. It stomped on the ground, probably crushing some people, and let out a bloodcurdling howl. I grimaced and leaned in next to the pilot.

"Get me close to that thing," I shouted to her. "I'll take it out."

The pilot looked at me like I was crazy and nodded reluctantly. The helicopter took off and I strapped Sean in. The helicopter closed in on the giant narcoleptic while I put on the proper equipment and grabbed a weapon out of the corner of the cargo bay. I slid the door open and waited for the right time to jump. The gargantuan female stopped and looked right at me, not even trying to swat the helicopter out of the air.

I laughed loudly and shouted, 「あなたは進撃のフェミニスト？さあ、私は進撃のアメリカそしてフリーダムです。」 You feminists advance? Well, I'm the advance of America and freedom!

The giant glared at me as I jumped out of the helicopter, my weapon unraveling. I fired a grappling hook out of my equipment belt and swung to the nape of the creature's neck. I landed on the center of its nape and brought my pointed flag staff down as hard as I could. The Star-Spangled Banner waved to and fro as its staff dug into the creature's neck, a small amount of what I assumed was blood getting on my shoes. The giant feminist tumbled forward, leaving me to hang on for dear life. The giant abomination landed with an earthquaking shake, nearly throwing me off.

The Stars and Stripes flew proudly as the corpse began to bubble up. I put my right hand over my heart and looked at my home country's flag. The bells of freedom rang once more. On that day, feminists received a grim reminder of the power of freedom at our mercy of the humiliation of being trapped inside a democratic and free society. They lived in hatred of man and were disgraced to live in this "cage of patriarchy" we call freedom.

"...the one girl, Seiko, said that their friends were still stuck in there. We asked what they did, but I clocked out before any action was really taken. I think a paranormal unit's getting sent in."

"So... I take it you had a good day?"

"Well... yeah. I mean, it was... interesting, to say the least." I took a sip of water. "I saw Kouta, by the way."

"Oh really?" My wife set a plate of food on the table, her red ponytail bobbing about. "How is he?"

"He's doing fine," I replied with a nervous laugh. "As perverted as ever, though." I can't let her know I have a bunch of lewd photos of her from him. I looked around the kitchen, having cleaned up beforehand. She had made a mixture of Japanese, German, and American cuisine for dinner, all of which I was eager to dig in to. I reached for a barbecue chicken breast, only to get my hand smacked.

"Wait," I was told as she placed another plate on the table, which had bratwurst and some sauerkraut, both of which looked wirklich lecker.

I huffed. "Minami, ich habe Hunger." I'm hungry.

"Es ist mir egal," she said. "Warten. Hazuki said she's going to come over tomorrow." I don't care. Wait.

I nodded. "Cool. Wait, is she bringing Akihisa along, too?"

She shrugged. "I think. She said she's bringing Cards Against Humanity and some dinner, so I'd assume so. Wouldn't really be that fun with only the three of us."

"Eh, could get Kenji-" Minami shot a glare at me. She wasn't exactly fond of Kenji, which was completely understandable. He'd usually show up drunk and call Minachan a flat-chested bimbo, which she kindly replied to by nearly ripping off a limb each time. "Hehe, okay, maybe not. What about Okabe?"

She nodded. "I'd be fine with that. Kurisu said they're due for a visit anytime, work permitting."

I sighed and leaned back a little. "Yeah. Working with NASA and JAXA in addition to various other American and Japanese science firms does seem to limit your free time." She set a platter with some takoyaki next to the chicken. My hand shot to the takoyaki and I managed to grab one before she could react. I snickered after I swallowed the first bite. "Oh, you gotta be quicker than that!"

She grinned and sat down. "Whatever. I guess we can dig in. Sorry if the chicken breasts shrunk."

I set a chicken breast on my plate, took a chunk out with my fork and ate it, enjoyed it, and shook my head after swallowing. "No, they're fine, Minachan. They're kinda like your boobs, come to think of it. Small, yet delicious." I took another bite of the chicken, mildly surprised that she did such a good job. I looked up and grinned. "Diese sind lecker, Süße." These are delicious, sweetie.

It only then dawned on me that she was glaring at me. Scheiße...

"What did you say about my breasts?" Minami asked, a dark aura coming off of her.

I dropped my fork on my plate and held up my hands. "Verzeihung, verzeihung!" Sorry, sorry! She got up and walked around the table, her dark aura getting even darker. I slowly started to get up. "Y'know, I have to use the-"

She tackled me and began bending my legs in ways they weren't supposed to bend. "Arschloch! Baka!"

I howled in pain as my wife bent my limbs like I was some sort of human pretzel. "I SAID THEY WERE DELICIOUS!"