Meredith looked down at her son. He was breaking her heart into tiny pieces. He had followed Derek to the door with his eyes. He watched his dad walk out of his life just one more time. Meredith kissed her sad and confused son's face. She didn't like it. She didn't want to see her little boy broken. She was quickly regretting things. A lot of things.
"Is your belly full?" Meredith asked as she looked down at Liam.
"Ma... Da." He said as he looked at the door. Meredith ran her hand along his cheek and brushed his face.
"Yeah... Daddy had to go. And mommy, it seems she has messed up once again." Meredith told him with a frown. "Mommy just keeps making mistake after mistake, doesn't she?" Meredith asked as she wiped the tray of the highchair down. "How would you like to go for a walk, Liam Patrick?" She asked as she looked into his blue eyes and bent down to his level.
"Waa." He said, mimicking her words. Meredith smiled at her boy. He was so smart, and he was getting smarter by the day. She couldn't help but feel a little bad that Derek was missing his accomplishments, no matter how big or small they really were.
"Yep, a walk. But you will need a jacket. Do you want to wear your blue jacket, or your yellow jacket?" She asked as she pointed to the colors blue and yellow. Liam giggled loudly as she asked him over and over again. "I'm thinking blue. Your daddy likes blue. Indigo, actually. That is a really dark blue."
"Boo." Liam said loudly as he banged his spoon on the tray and looked around.
"Yes, blue it is." She said as she pulled him out of the chair. "Let's go get you dressed. We'll put in a jacket. And your yellow boots." Meredith explained. She liked to talk to him like he was a person, and not a baby.
"Boo." Liam said again as he grabbed her face.
"Be nice to mommy's face. She kind of needs her face. You have to be kind. And soft. Give mommy a kiss. Like this..." She told him as she leaned in and kissed him. His mouth got sloppy as she kissed him. "Such a good kisser. We're going to have to keep you away from the girls..."
"Ma... Da?" Liam asked as she pulled his jacket on. "Da isn't here, buddy. I'm sorry. It's just you and I today. Just you and I..." She repeated sadly as she pulled his little boots on.
Meredith loved her special time with Liam. She loved it more than anything. But she was feeling lonely. She walked through the property pushing her off road stroller through the semi-rough terrain. She was feeling like she needed to talk to someone. She wasn't convinced that sharing all of her secrets with Liam was a good idea. She looked down as Liam looked around with wide-eyes. He would be tired soon, and then she would be lonely.
Meredith and Liam listened to the crunching of the leaves that were still laying on the ground. She could hear the birds chirping happily at the exit of winter. Everything was becoming green and beautiful. New life was blossoming all around her. And yet, she couldn't help but think her own was dying. She was dying inside.
"Do you like going for walks, Leelee?" Meredith asked as she looked down. "Of course not... You're sleeping." Meredith said sadly. "And now mommy is all alone. Again."
Meredith thought about Craig. She really liked Craig. They got along well. They seemed to have a lot in common, and Meredith had seen Craig's kind nature. She had seen him with Liam. He loved her little boy like he was his own. But Meredith never took it out of her head that Derek was Liam's father, and she did not want a replacement in that aspect.
Meredith was impressed at the compassion that Craig showed with his patients. She had seen him with the sick children. He seemed to offer them so much hope. And with all his patients, he never gave up. He would fight alongside them to the end. Meredith liked that about him. He was a guy that would stick by you.
Meredith picked up her cellphone as she pushed the stroller on the more even terrain. She wanted to call and see what he was doing. She was feeling bad about their last confrontation. Craig was a guy that wanted so much. He was always ready to move forward and be positive. And she felt like she had yanked him back unfairly. She shouldn't have let him think something was going on when it wasn't.
"Hello?" Craig answered quickly.
"Hi... It's me. Meredith." She said, as if he didn't know who she was.
"Oh... Yeah. What's up?" He asked, she could sense some irritation in his voice. She was wondering if he was at the hospital.
"Well, I'm here taking Liam for a walk... And I was thinking I may attempt to cook a real dinner tonight. So I was wondering if you would like to join us?" Meredith asked, full of hope. She wanted the second chance, and some decent conversation.
"Look, Meredith... I explained to you... This is not working. You can't seem to move on. And I'm not waiting forever. I have learned a long time ago that you can't wait forever. So I think... Look, I need to go. Enjoy your dinner." He said as he hung up.
Meredith felt the tears prick her eyes. He didn't want anything to do with her. No one wanted anything to do with her. She was all alone. She let the sobs come as she pushed Liam along. She had pushed away man after man. And now it seemed she would never be happy. She took in a gasping breath. It seems you don't want something, until you can't have it. Then you want it more than anything.
--
Meredith was frustrated. She was angry. She was sad. She didn't understand why Craig didn't want anything to do with her. One minute he was following her around as if he couldn't make it through the world without her. And now he was acting like she was the scum of the earth. It was hurting her feelings. It was hurting her deep.
Meredith walked down the halls. She wanted to talk to him. She needed to make him understand. She felt like she lost everything. They were friends. Good friends. She felt like she could trust him, and now she was feeling like she was all alone. He brushed her off and dumped her like old trash on the side of the road. She was that bag that every dog that walked by peed on.
"Hey." Meredith said as she walked up to Cristina. She didn't really want to deal with her so called person, but at the same time, she needed someone.
"So what is going on with you and McMuffin?" Cristina asked frankly. Meredith looked at her in confusion and then realized she was referring to who Meredith was now calling McAsshat.
"McMuffin... Yeah, I don't think so." Meredith told her with a nod. "I don't know. One minute we're good, and the next we are not. I don't know. I mean just because I couldn't sleep with him..." Meredith trailed off sadly. She was regretting it. She was feeling like if she could just let it go, he would care about her.
"You haven't done the nasty, nasty yet? God, Mer... You really are pathetic. Waiting around for McDumbass. You are... This is just painful to watch." Cristina told her frankly. "I think we need to go out and you need to get laid."
"I have a son." Meredith explained. Even if she was into sleeping with random men, she couldn't do that to Liam. She couldn't bring guys home. She couldn't hurt him in that way. Even if he would never know, she would think about him.
"Yeah... You have a son. So I guess you should uh... Become a Monastic, take communion and go back to seclusion. I'm glad you're not a fan of sex..." Cristina joked as she looked at her. "If you got laid... You would feel better."
"Yeah. For a second. And then... Then I would feel worse than ever." Meredith said with a sigh. " I guess... Yeah." Meredith told her as she shook her head and walked away. She was feeling frustrated all the way around. As she made her way to the snack machine, she frowned. Maybe she was in for a life of loneliness. She wanted to be strong. She didn't want to settle. But she was wondering what her life would be. Would it end with a man she met in the bar laying by her side?
Meredith looked up as she placed her money in the machine. Craig was coming her way. Not to her. He was deep in thought as he stared at a file in his hand. Now she could catch him. She wanted to catch him. She wanted to make him see. Maybe she could convince him that like was better and she needed him. She needed him because no one else would ever want her.
"Hey you." She said softly as she pushed the button for a bag of chips. She watched as the bag clunked to the bottom. She pushed the swinging door and removed the bag from it's prison.
"Oh. Hey." Craig muttered as he paused. He wouldn't have stopped if she hadn't called him out. He saw her, but he was avoiding the hailstorm that was her life.
"So... Uh... How are you?" Meredith stammered as she looked up into his brown eyes. She was upset with him. How could he be one of those guys? The ones that dump you off the minute they realize you aren't what they want. He wants a lay. He is in it for the lay. And Meredith is too stupid to realize it.
"Busy. Do you need something?" He asked with irritation. He is frustrated with her. She has no idea why. Nothing happened. Except for her blue balling him. That minor detail.
"What happened... I mean, I know what happened... But we were great. And you were great. And now you are acting like I am some pile of shit that you were so unlucky to step on. I really liked you... And this... It's fucking me up." Meredith said frankly. She was actually proud of herself for taking such a bold stand to him.
"Mer... It's not like that... It's- You are hung up on a man that doesn't love you. You may think he does. I know you think he does. But you also know that things haven't been good between you and him in a long time. Everyone knows that he was saying shit. Everyone is this hospital knows that after you got pregnant he lost interest. I guess they were too nice to tell you... But me, I don't want to see you get hurt. So here we are. Like I said, I like you. I like you a lot. But you are stuck on a man that will never come around to you. You should be treasured. And you can't let it go. So I am keeping my distance." He told her as he looked up.
Meredith stood there in shock. A whole range of emotions took her over as she stood there. Derek didn't love her. He had been turned off by her for a long time. She held back the tears as she let it all sink in. It hurt more than anyone would ever know. And now she was desperate. For love. Because apparently even when she thought she had it, she did not.
"I- I don't want to wait." She gasped as she looked up. "I want to make it work. Give me a chance..." She told him as she looked up. She couldn't be alone. If it made her weak, it made her weak.
--
Meredith stood in her kitchen and looked around. She thought about when she made the big dinner to announce their engagement That was her first real try at cooking. John had always been an excellent cook and she let him have the run. And Derek was a good cook, but he rarely had time. It wasn't too far into their marriage that she realized that if she wanted to eat, she had to make something.
Meredith could smell the chicken wafting in the air. It was her first time making a whole chicken. She knew that Craig liked it. She went through Lois' cookbooks and found a recipe for homemade stuffing. She was going to do it right. She had to do something. It had been a week. She followed him for a week. She didn't even realize how pathetic it was. She just wanted love from someone who hadn't hurt her.
"Leelee... We are going to have dinner with Craig tonight... Is that okay?" She asked softly. She never planned on making Craig a replacement for Derek. No one could replace his father.
"Ma ba." He pouted as he looked up from his seat. Meredith smiled and handed him his bottle. He was ahead in height and weight. And of course she and Derek were sure that he was smarter than any other child in the world.
"Daddy will be over tomorrow to see you. What do you think about that? Daddy has gotten better about seeing his LP, hasn't he?" She asked as she caressed his cheek with her hand. "Do you want some taters?" She asked as she spooned up mashed potatoes and held it to his mouth. He eagerly gobbled them down and smiled. She made them more runny than sticky so that he could handle them.
Meredith still couldn't get over the decrease in hours that Derek was working. She didn't understand how that was working. He had never had time for his family, and now he was going home at a decent hour every night. She couldn't help but wonder if he was going home to Alexis. It stung. She couldn't imagine a woman in his bed. She couldn't stand the thought.
"Hello?" Meredith heard Craig say loudly as he opened the door. Meredith liked his accent. It was something different and exotic.
"We're in here." Meredith said softly as she pulled the chicken out of the oven, smiling at it. It looked perfect. She could only hope that it tasted that way too. "I hope you are hungry."
"Starving. And I have to admit, I am a bit eager to taste what you can cook. I didn't think you enjoyed it?" He asked as he walked in and took a deep breath. He could smell the scent of a perfectly cooked meal.
"I do it occasionally. It's one of my many qualities." Meredith told him with a nod. "I have many, you know..."
"Oh, I know." Craig said with a smirk as he walked over and nuzzled into her neck. Meredith was surprised at how unnatural it felt. She sighed and let the feeling pass. "Let me help you." He said as he grabbed the dish from her hand. She smiled softly and let go of her grasp.
"Thank you." She said as she grabbed the rolls and sat them down. "I hope you like it." She muttered as she looked over at him. She just wanted to make him happy. She wanted to make anyone happy who would let her.
"Oh, I'm sure I will like anything you give me, Mer." She told her with a smirk. Meredith nodded her head slightly in agreement. She had an uneasy feeling but decided to let it pass and ignore her better judgement.
"So how was the hospital?" Meredith asked as she gave Liam a spoon of potatoes. He took the large plastic spoon she let him play with and he began banging on his tray.
"It was good." Craig said loudly, obviously annoyed by Liam's loud playing. "Does he have to do that while we are eating?" He asked frankly. Meredith looked over at him and glared. She didn't like that. She didn't like that he was having a problem with Liam. Two weeks ago he would have loved it.
"He's just keeping himself busy." She said with a smile as she watched her son play. Meredith picked at her own food as Craig went on about one of his new patients. He seemed to think she would have a good outcome. It was always nice to hear about the success stories.
"So you are off tomorrow?" Craig asked with a smile as he looked at her.
"I am." Meredith told him frankly as she took a bite of her juicy chicken. "Do you have to be in?"
"I'd like to go in and check on a patient, but no, I don't have any appointments. They try to keep Fridays clear for me. That was I have the weekend without the worry of a new patient in distress." He explained as he looked around. "Actually, I got a job offer in California. It's a cancer treatment center..."
"Oh... Do you plan on going?" Meredith asked as she looked into his brown eyes. She didn't take too much stock into it. She realized a long time ago to not worry until she had a reason.
"Well, It was a generous offer. And they have a great residency program..." Craig told her with a smile. Her smile soon faded.
"Oh... That is uh... Great. I guess." Meredith said in shock.
She looked up at Craig like he was insane. She couldn't believe he even said that to her. Seattle was her home. She loved Seattle. And she wasn't planning on leaving. She and John left everything to come to Seattle, and there was no way she was leaving. She wasn't leaving her friends. She wasn't leaving her family. And she wasn't leaving her job. Not for anyone.
"Yeah... You know... If you ever decide to start over." Craig explained as he looked at her.
Meredith made it more than obvious that she wasn't going anywhere just by the look on her face. Craig wanted Meredith to move with him. Before he even suggested it, he knew she would be against it. Craig could think about nothing more than he and Meredith running off and away from Derek and all her ties.
"Well, I don't plan on going anywhere. Seattle is my home." Meredith told him frankly. "I want Liam to grow up here. And his father is here. This is where we are staying."
"I was just making conversation." Craig lied as he took a bite of his food. They remained in an awkward silence, both grasping at something to say.
"Oh... Yes... Would you like some wine?" Meredith asked with a smile. She was looking for any excuse to do something. "I have a nice Cabernet Sauvignon." Meredith told him as she grabbed the glasses and the bottle.
"Sounds perfect." Craig agreed as Meredith poured him a glass. He swirled it around and sipped the robust, full bodied wine. "Perfect." He told her with a nod. Meredith poured herself a small glass, it not being her favorite. "You aren't having much." Craig pointed out as he looked down at her glass.
"It's a little too dry for me." She explained with a smile as she took a little sip. It was something she liked, but not too much of. "So how is that little girl you had last week? She was so sweet. She gave me one of her flowers." Meredith told him as she spooned a bite of food into Liam's mouth. He quickly spat it back out at her and laughed.
"She is doing well. I just hope that this treatment works. She is such a great little kid." Craig explained with a slight smile as he looked at Liam. He really like the little boy, but he couldn't help but see Derek in him, and that was something he didn't like.
"That's great." Meredith pointed out with a nod as she took another sip.
They both remained in neutral conversation. The hospital seemed to be the best thing for them to talk about. Meredith nodded and listened to his story. She just liked to hear his smooth voice. There was something about it that naturally calmed her. She continued to listen as she fed Liam. He was only taking in a few bites and spitting the rest out.
"You are such a little stinker!" Meredith said with a nod as she leaned in and kissed her son. "You need to be hosed off! You need to be cleaned."
"Ke..." He repeated as she wiped his face off with a damp cloth.
"All done!" She said with a smile. "Your belly is full. You are all clean. Now you need to get ready for bed. Do you want to go to bed?" Meredith asked with a smile.
"Ba..." Liam said with a squeal.
"You take him to bed, and I will clean this up." Craig said with a smile.
"Only if you are sure... " Meredith told him frankly. He nodded his head in agreement. "There is some bourbon if you want some... In the liquor cabinet." She told him as she took Liam out of the chair and walked him to the upstairs.
"Are you sleepy?" She asked with a smile as she looked into his eyes. She knew he really wasn't tired, even if it was close to his bed time. He laid him down and changed him into pajamas. "How about mommy reads her best guy a story?" Meredith asked as they sat down in the chair. Meredith grabbed a book and sat down with it.
Meredith read Liam story after story as she tried to get him down. She had never seen him so resistant. It was like he knew that things were going on in the world and he was missing out big time. She sighed as she held him close and rocked over and over again. Finally she was able to get him to close his eyes with her as she pretended to sleep. She gently laid him down in his crib and smiled. He was growing too fast.
"Sorry that took so long..." Meredith said as she walked into the kitchen. She watched as Craig wiped off the kitchen table. "Oh, you really don't have to do that!"
"I can help." He told her with a smile as he wiped the high chair clean. Meredith walked to the sink and started doing the small amount of dishes from their meal. She liked having someone around. Whether he was helping or not, it was nice to have him there.
"You look good..." Craig breathed into her ear as she wiped a dish dry. She frowned as she looked up. She could smell the bourbon on his breath.
"Oh..." Meredith said as she sat the dish down on the counter.
"Why don't you stop cleaning..." He told her as he turned her around and shoved her against the counter. He forced his tongue into her mouth and looked into her wide eyes. Meredith could taste the bourbon on his tongue. She didn't like it. Not one bit.
"Craig!" Meredith said as she pushed him away. "What are you doing?" She questioned in shock.
"God, Meredith... What is your problem? You won't fuck me, but you had no problem cheating on your husband with Derek. Everyone knows what a whore you are." Craig spat nastily. She couldn't believe he was already drunk. She couldn't believe he said that to her.
"Fuck you!" Meredith spat as she raised her hand and cracked him across the face. "Don't you talk to me like that!"
"Bitch!" He screamed as he raise his hand and hit her as hard as he could with the flat of his hand. Meredith gasped at the blow. She could feel the heat rising to the surface. Her neck was wrenched from the blow. "Don't you ever fucking hit me!" He screamed as he grabbed her wrists and shoved her against the counter.