Epilogue 36: Not me… I am not me.
The days passed as Zuko pretended to be the good son. He was careful to stay away from Azula as much as he could. Mai started to come visit him more often. That night they spent together left him worried, despite Mai coldly telling him she is not so stupid as to let herself get pregnant. Although, in her mind, that would have guaranteed she wed Zuko and became lady of the heir. It was the security she wanted. Now and then, the two would order around the servants just for the fun of it, asking for random silly things. When no one was looking, he would apologize to them later. They came to know he meant no harm to them, unlike other nobles who demand the impossible.
The summer solstice grew ever closer. The eclipse would only be a week or more after that. Both plagued Zuko's mind when he was alone. He had not been back to see his uncle. He tried to convince himself that it was because he was busy in meetings with his father or under the watch of his sister through one of her friends, or simply with Mai. It was growing easier to forget why he had come and what he had left behind. Though, now and then in the depths of the night would come a distant but familiar tug. He would wake with a sudden intake of breath and whisper Faelin's name. Gods, she must be… six month pregnant now. He tried to picture her with a baby-filled belly. But he couldn't. Those nights made him bury a tear-filled face into his pillow.
What have I become? How do I get out? This is not me… not me at all.
A strange sound at his door brought him to full wary wakefulness. He climbed from bed, hitched his sleeping pants into better place and tightened them as he padded silently to the bedroom door ready to see either his sister or Mai. He raised a fist and as his flingers unfurled, his hand blossomed into flame. Then he opened the door as if he were a stranger in his own home about to be assassinated. A vaguely familiar laugh nearly made him choke as the memory flashed back to him of a blue-black hair, the press of a thin but strong body against his, the sweat that trickled anxiously down his spine as his heart sped and his groin burned to know the unknown.
Kozue?
He stepped into the hall, his toe bumping a small cylinder that held a note rolled like a scroll. There were no other traces of her or anyone else. His fingers were numb as he picked it up. A thousand things ran through his mind. Faelin top most, although, in his heart he knew… felt… that she was fine. He hated Kozue's trick upon him. He stomped loudly back into his room. He almost slammed the door but didn't really want his sister to come to see what he was having a "tantrum" about.