Thanks for all the reviews last chapter! I didn't get a chance to reply to any yet, but like that's a shock. Work is a nightmare right now. In fact, my eyes are crossing as we speak...

Thanks to Stratan for the beta work. Thanks to stephk0525, twilover76, and claireoth for prereading. Luvs you all

Not everyone will be happy with this chapter, but I can't help it. No matter how many times I tried to write it differently, this is what came out. So yeah. Apologies all around if you hate it ;)

Also, I have this fic finished and have started writing a new one. Two more chapters and an epi are left after this update. Cue my sobs.

Chapter 36

Edward

Bella was taking entirely too much goddamned time in the bathroom.

I walked around the hotel room trying to find something to do while I waited, but it was useless. I couldn't focus on shit. Not with what was looming over me.

Anxiety burst inside me, and I had to grip onto the edge of the little desk sitting against the wall so I didn't topple right the fuck over.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Bella, get out of the bathroom already!" I shouted, for no good reason other than to release this... this...

The bathroom door opened suddenly, and Bella came hurrying out. Her head was down, hair falling over her face so that I couldn't see her.

"Sorry." Her voice warbled, betraying her calm exterior.

I rushed across the tiny room and turned her around, shoving her hair back so I could confirm my suspicions. Her eyes were swollen, cheeks puffy. Her teeth took hold of her lip as her chin quivered, and I couldn't hold it in anymore.

I grabbed the fabric of her shirt, struggling to rein in some of this emotion. Once... Twice, I went to speak, but words failed me. She watched me with wide, cautious eyes, another tear slipping free and rolling toward her mouth.

I wanted to kiss it all away, but I knew how utterly ridiculous that notion was. We'd still be right back in this same spot when I broke away for air.

Nothing would be better until I got this over with.

"No," I finally choked out. "I can't... I'm not going if you-"

"Yes, you are," she insisted. "I'm just..."

Her hands fluttered around, and in that moment, she looked completely lost. Then she righted herself, took hold of my face, and gave me this look that showed me just how much she believed in me.

It was enough to destroy me.

"When do you guys plan on leaving?"

I knew exactly what she was doing. She was pushing everything she felt down to focus on me, something she'd done so many times before.

And I needed her to do it too much to even consider arguing with her about it.

"An hour... Oh, fuck." My lungs seized up. "I only have an hour before I-"

I pushed her away, uncertain if I was going to be sick or not.

I swallowed. Tasted bile. Again and again and again…

Hands on my face, comforting me. Calming me. Words now. Hushed whispers of encouragement. Praise. Things I didn't want to believe, but knew I needed to hear. To remind me that I wasn't the same anymore. That this would someday no longer matter to me.

"You're okay," she said. Her fingers skimmed my jaw, over my neck. To my heart. "You're okay."

"Fuck," I gasped. "Maybe I should take those meds."

She stood back and stared up at me, reading me.

And then she smiled. "Nah. You've got this."

I snorted out a laugh and dropped my forehead to hers. "The fuck I do."

She sighed heavily. "Don't do that. I hate when you do that."

"I know. Old habits die hard or whatever."

"Or whatever." She giggled. "Nice. Very eloquent."

"You're lucky you got that much."

She just kept smiling at me, saying nothing.

"I don't want you to cry all day, Bella. You know I can't stand it when you cry."

"Well, then, it looks like we'll both be doing stuff the other doesn't like."

"Bella."

"I can't help it. I'm so nervous for you."

I gathered her up, bringing her impossibly closer to me. Fuck, I wanted to just bury myself inside her. Never part from her. Take away everything she was feeling right now and replace it with something... good. Incredible, even.

Funny how after all those years of thinking of no one but myself, this one girl managed to right that. Make it so that even in the midst of all this, she was what came first.

"What are you nervous about?" I questioned, somehow pushing those thoughts and my body's reaction to the former aside.

She gazed back at me skeptically. "Really?"

"Really. Tell me."

"I... Edward, I don't think it's such a good idea..."

"Tell me," I persisted.

She huffed in annoyance, but I knew immediately that she'd caved.

"Well, for starters, I worry about those panic attacks of yours."

I nodded. "Same here. The last thing I want is for Elizabeth to watch me hurl all over her floor. Wait, actually, that's not such a bad idea."

She managed to laugh a little.

"What? It's the least I can do to her. She can see exactly how all her bullshit still affects me, and I can ruin her carpet at the same time."

Her fingers flexed into my shoulders.

"What else worries you?"

"You running into someone that recognizes you."

"We did that. Yesterday."

"No, stop trying to be so nonchalant about it. You know some piano store guy is not what I was referring to."

"I know, and I worry about that too. But not as much."

"Why not?"

"Because," I explained, "I don't look a thing like I did when I was fourteen. Except for my hair, and I have a hat to cover it up."

"But what if Elizabeth tells someone-"

"We'll be out of there before they have a chance to react. I promise," I soothed her.

She relaxed somewhat.

"Is that it?"

"No... I worry about me. About what I'm going to do while you're gone."

"I'm not going to be gone all day, baby. Just a few hours. I'll call you as soon as I'm on my way back here, and we can change our flights and leave right after if it'll make you feel better."

"I know," she sighed.

She still looked upset and I actually, surprising the fuck out of myself, laughed.

Her eyes narrowed.

"Nothing's going to make you happy right now, is it?"

She opened her mouth to object, and then snapped it closed.

"No..." she muttered petulantly. "Probably not."

Words could not explain how much I loved her - in all her protective glory - right at that very second. Knowing just how here she was for me was going to enable me to do this.

I only had to walk out the door first.

Looked like my idiot brothers were going to help me out with that.

Bella groaned at the sound of them knocking. "They're early."

"It's better this way. I need to go."

While I was still motivated to.

Tears welled in her eyes, and I gave her a quick kiss and turned away before I could change my mind.

I grabbed an old Cubs hat I had in my room at home and stopped at the door. "I love you, Bella. So fucking much."

"I love you. Be careful."

With that, I was out the door, running straight into my ape of a brother as I stepped into the hall.

"Let's go."

"You good?"

"Not really."

"Need anything?"

"No."

"You're sure?"

"Emmett, I swear to God if you keep this up, I'm going to make you stay here."

He held up his hands in surrender. "Sorry."

I punched the button for the elevator and just grunted.

Jasper, at least, was a little more tactful on the way down.

"I know you don't want us here..."

"Not really, but I get why you were so insistent to come now."

He blinked.

"Bella told me about Banner's idea." I chuckled to myself, realizing something that I'd completely missed until now. "At least I know why the chief was telling me I should go alone."

"He was what?"

I shrugged. "Ah, he was just trying to encourage me to make the decision on my own, I think. I didn't get it till now, though."

"Does Bella know?"

I shook my head. "It doesn't make any difference. I wouldn't have listened to him."

Bella, though... I'd always listen to her.

"You know we'd come anyway, right? And that we weren't bullshitting you back at the shop?" Emmett asked, his blue eyes boring into mine. "You get that too, don't you?"

I sighed and felt some strange sense of gratitude swell inside me. "I do. And... Uh... Thanks. It means a lot."

Emmett nodded, unbelievably getting some restraint on himself and not making some ridiculous comment back.

The elevator ride was silent. The car ride was silent. I'd given Jasper the directions to my old neighborhood and sat in the back, feeling myself revert a little to my old ways in an effort to get through all of this. Not the self-worth part of it, though. The numbing way I was able to handle things before. I had a feeling that wearing my heart on my sleeve would be my biggest mistake. I had to at least pretend like I didn't give a shit.

Because as gratifying as the thought of ruining Elizabeth's carpet further was earlier, there was no way in hell I would let her see how much she screwed me up by sending me to live with Aro.

I needed answers. And I needed to be clear-headed enough to get them. Shutting down for a while seemed like the only way to do so.

We parked a few blocks away in a parking garage and quickly exited the rental car. My brothers, thank fuck, weren't dressed like normal. They had on old, ratty jeans, t-shirts they typically wore in the garage, and their greasy, black boots. Nothing about them looked as though they belonged anywhere other than this place, and for that, I was fucking grateful. The last thing we needed was some piece of trash trying to mug us while we were here.

I wanted in and out with as little fanfare as possible.

"What are you going to do if she's not home?" Emmett questioned as we walked toward my old apartment complex.

"Wait."

He glanced around. "That sounds... fun."

I snorted.

"Well, at least he's still got his sense of humor," Jasper muttered, seemingly wary.

I didn't acknowledge that. The closer we got to Elizabeth's apartment, the more I realized that I was going to be able to handle this.

Then I turned the corner and saw the building, and all rational thought flew out the window.

I stopped and stared, feeling my chest tighten, my lungs work harder to bring air into them. I felt a hand - Jasper's, maybe? - lightly tap my shoulder in encouragement, and I shook my head, trying to rid myself of every emotion this fucking place evoked.

"It's a shithole," Emmett commented, likely hoping to snap me out of it.

It worked. "I said that to Bella not too long ago."

"How's this place standing?"

"Beats the fuck out of me."

"You good?"

"Are you really asking me that again?" I returned, glowering over at him.

He simply laughed, the bastard.

I gazed back at the building again and finally started to see it for what it truly was. It was a shithole; that much was true. But it wasn't as threatening as my mind had always made it out to be. Not as big. It was this faded, odd color of green. Not tan like I'd remembered. And that was what hit me the hardest. That I'd put so much into what I'd remembered as a child, and not all of it was even correct.

What else had I gotten wrong?

The door opened, and a guy came pouring out of it, twitchy and sniffling, looking as if he was heading out to get a fix. He looked at us as he passed by, and I pulled my hat further down to keep him from being able to see me clearly.

He was too preoccupied to care, though. A cursory glance our way and he was gone.

I rushed to the door before it closed, not able to remember if this place had any kind of working security system on the entrance or not, and headed up the stairs to the second floor. Trash littered the hallways, and there was a woman slumped over not too far from where Elizabeth's door was. I held my breath as I walked by her, remembering all the times I'd done this as a kid.

Some things never fucking changed.

And then I was there, with nothing but a piece of wood separating me from my mother, from the life I never wanted to have. I hesitated; my hand hovered just a few inches from the door. My heart started beating loudly, pounding a rhythm inside me so hard, it stole my breath.

Or maybe I was just on the verge of panicking again.

I dropped my hand and paced around, maneuvering around Emmett and Jasper as I tried to regain control of myself. I was beginning to sweat; I could feel it, the discomfort of it, and wheezed out a "fuck" when I realized this wasn't going to be something so easily conquered.

I needed Bella.

I could call her.

But something wouldn't let me.

And I knew exactly what it was.

Another curse came out of me, this time angry, frustrated. I had to do this alone. Had to, no matter how much I didn't want to.

"God damn it," I muttered, expecting some kind of response from Emmett or Jasper.

Only they said nothing.

I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and twisted so that I could bang on the door. Once was all I managed, and something inside me prayed like fucking hell that she wouldn't answer, that I'd have time to regroup before she arrived.

Or chicken out, as it would likely be.

But that wasn't the case. The door swung open, and I felt nauseated, dizzy, looking down at this... this...

"Holy shit," I breathed, not believing my eyes. She was tiny... So fucking frail. Her red hair was smoothed away from her face, her eyes exhausted. She glanced up and I noticed how they were just like Maggie's. Paler, larger than my own. Maggie looked so much like her, and I'd just never really seen it, my memories so distorted now that I couldn't.

I towered over her, and with it, came a feeling of power. She couldn't do shit to me anymore. Not now, not ever again. I was stronger, smarter, and I'd be fucking damned if I let this burn - this need to panic over it all - win.

I sneered down at her, jerking my Cubs hat off of my head and watched her eyes widen, her mouth part just slightly in shock and her hand come up to fidget with the collar of her waitress uniform.

"Hi, Mom."

She still had the same blue walls, the same pockmarks marring the plaster beneath the dark paint. But new ones had joined in, white gashes in odd places, making me wonder what the fuck had happened in here to create them...

Not that I was planning to ask her or anything.

I could hear her clattering around in the kitchen and knew that she'd expected me to sit while she was away. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't look past the same wall that led down to my old room, over to the closet in the corner I used to hide.

I turned my body even further away from it, almost like I could protect myself from it.

Which was stupid.

She resurfaced with a mug of coffee or tea; I didn't care enough to find out which, gazing at me curiously as she moved through the room. She stopped just inside, keeping a safe distance from the three of us, and finally asked, "Why are you here?"

Her voice ate at me, the dread. Regret. She reached into her pocket to pull out a cigarette, and I immediately tensed up.

"Don't light it."

Her brows knit together.

"I can't go back to Bella smelling like a fucking ashtray."

"Bella?"

Shit.

I drove a hand through my hair and snuck a glance at Emmett.

He shrugged.

"My girlfriend. She's..." I exhaled sharply. "She has health issues. I gave it up for her."

"You smoked?"

"Did you expect anything less?" I growled in answer.

She almost looked... hurt by that. "You're not like..." Her eyes darted around the room, and I knew exactly what she was getting at.

"No. I'm not like you."

She breathed out a sigh of relief.

"Not that you'd really give a shit."

Her eyes met mine, surprisingly fierce. "I always cared."

"You've got a fucked up way of showing it."

"I was... God, I was really messed up. Half the time I wasn't even thinking straight."

"Christ," I mumbled.

"I'm clean now," she whispered. "Have been for years."

I was silent, trying to figure out how to respond. The only thing I kept thinking of was how right Bella was.

She always was.

Eventually, I just decided not to. "Why'd you do it?"

"What?"

"Everything," I responded in exasperation. "Do you know how fucked up I am because of it?"

"I-"

"You should have just given me up, like you did her," I continued, my voice rising with anger.

She flinched, gasped.

"Oh, you thought I wouldn't find out about her? About Maggie?"

"I-" Her chin trembled now. "I knew I couldn't take care of both of you. You were so little, and Ed... Ed tried to take you both, but you were my baby. I-"

"What?" I shouted. "You what?"

"She wasn't planned. And... I loved - love - her, but for some reason, I didn't want her. I... I told you, I was really messed up. When she was born, I was so-"

"Do not blame this on postpartum shit," I bit out.

"That's what we thought it was at first, but it was more. It's... It's why I let your dad have her. I couldn't connect with her like I did you. I thought it was better if he took her with him."

"And he just agreed?"

"Not really, no. He fought me on it, threatened to take me to court and get custody of you both. He loved you, too, Edward. He did."

"You don't get to fucking say that for him," I snarled. "You hear me?"

She nodded. "I'm sorry."

"Keep going."

She thought for a moment, and then continued. "Even though we didn't work, we still cared about each other. We were going to give the arrangement a year, give me time to come out of my funk, I guess you could say. He'd keep Maggie for six months; I'd keep you. At least until you got into school, and then we'd figure something else out. He'd moved to New York for a while to try to get in with... He played piano. Did you know that?"

That last part of me, the part that loathed my father, snapped in two.

And all I wanted to do was crumble to the ground and mourn over... everything.

"So do I," I said numbly. "Maggie too."

"Both of you?" she whispered.

I nodded once.

"Um..." She struggled to regain her thought process, showing me just how damaged she was now, how many gaps were in her brain thanks to all those years of self-medication. "Your dad found out he was sick and didn't want to take you in the middle of all that. He thought he could come back to Illinois, do the treatments, and then get you. But it didn't happen. He just progressively got worse and worse... He visited, though. Once, before the cancer spread."

"I don't remember it."

"No. I suppose you wouldn't." A shudder racked her tiny body, and she gazed out the window. "When he died... I couldn't... I couldn't function anymore. I'd barely been able to when he left. But that... It was like I'd died right along with him."

"Why didn't you give me away like you did Maggie?"

"I thought I could get better," she explained. "She didn't know me. And you... You were my son."

"You were wrong."

"I was," she agreed. "Years went by before I realized what was really going on with me."

I wanted to ask what, exactly, it was, but I had a feeling I already knew how sick she was, what her diagnosis finally ended up being.

I could probably list off the medications in her bathroom right now.

"By then you were-"

"And so were you."

"Yeah."

I took a steadying breath. "I don't understand why you let Aro take me. Why you left."

"I went to rehab. For almost a year."

My eyes shot to hers, and I braced myself against the wall, too stunned to keep my balance. "What? They always told me you needed money and traded me out for..."

"They lied," she replied. "To both of us. And I was so desperate for something... To get better, I didn't see through it."

"Why didn't you tell me?" I demanded.

"Would you have believed me?"

"I..." I shook my head. "No."

She wiped at her eyes and tried to smile at me. "It's why I finally let Carlisle and Esme take you. You were so weak when I saw you in the hospital. I'd done so many things wrong that needed to be made right. And they were so right for you. Besides, you hated me. You'd have run away the second you were able."

"I did. I-" I stopped. "You need to know why I'm... Why it's taken me so long to get to the point of wanting answers. I buried everything down for years so I didn't have to deal with any of this."

"Edward-"

"I was terrified of you and all the guys you brought around me. I'd hide in that closet," I told her, pointing in its direction, "and... Do you remember that guy you brought home when I was five? Right after my father died? The one who saw me and-"

"No."

"See, that's my point. I was so fucking little, and you had no idea what was going on. You were so fucked up you had no idea your son was hiding in plain sight watching you while you-"

I choked on the words the second a sob escaped Elizabeth's lips.

"I was hungry. All the time. When I first moved in with Carlisle and Esme, I hid food in my room, because that's what I did with you. When you'd finally get sober enough to buy it, I'd hide it and save it for when the rest was gone. It took me years to stop feeling like I had to do it. Years, Elizabeth."

"I'm sorry," she cried.

"Don't be sorry," I shot back. "I know you couldn't help it. I get it now, okay? I didn't for the longest time, but I've been in therapy for a while, and we've been... Anyway, I do now. But it doesn't change anything. It doesn't change years of neglect, months of abuse I went through when I lived at Aro's, how hard I struggled not to freeze to death or keep my fucking grades up so the school wouldn't know I was homeless. How I used people and-"

I ground my teeth together and finally let my eyes drift over to my brothers. There was something there, some unspoken understanding between the three of us. We'd all lived through hell once, but because of Carlisle and Esme we'd been redeemed. Saved.

"It doesn't change the fact that I had to almost die to find a family."

The words were out now - answers had been given - but none of it seemed to help anything. I started pacing, searched for why I still felt like a piece of all this was missing. And then Elizabeth caught my eye, the sight of her wiping at her tears, the guilt all over her face.

I suddenly knew why I was here.

"There's more," I said lowly.

Her head snapped up. "More?"

"Maggie..." I groaned against the ache in my chest. "Maggie's gone. She... There was a car accident, and-"

"No." The look on her face nearly ripped me in two. "No, no, no..."

"She was happy, though. So happy. She lived in Texas and wanted to find me. She-"

My eyes stung with tears, and I hurriedly blinked them back.

"She gave me Bella."

I could see the confusion through her grief, and got enough composure about me to explain.

"There's a phenomena in the medical field known as cellular memory. It's what some people believe links a transplant patient to their donor. My Bella is one of those who've experienced something of it. She woke up after her surgery and would hear a melody in her head. It was Claire de Lune."

She understood immediately. I could see it in her eyes.

I said the words anyway.

"She got Maggie's heart, and when she was recovered enough, she came looking for me. She's... the best thing to ever walk into my life, and if it hadn't been for my sister-"

I couldn't finish it. Watching Elizabeth slide down the wall, heaving, gasping as she sobbed, was just too fucking much.

I went over to her, having no fucking idea what I was doing. I crouched down and watched her cry, feeling almost sorry for telling her everything. And before I could understand it, I was touching her. Letting her fold her body over my arm and trying to find out why I thought it would help her. Me.

I knew right then I couldn't hate her. No matter how much I wanted to. She wasn't the monster I'd always made her out to be. She was flawed. Human. A victim of disease.

I thought maybe I just felt sad for her. Us. I'd never forgive her for what I'd gone through, but I couldn't just leave her like this, not with knowing everything I did now about mania and depression and drug abuse. How likely she was to relapse or... worse.

I couldn't fucking have that on my conscience.

So I lifted her up and waited for her to calm down. She stared up at me, her eyes swimming with tears, and I almost laughed at myself. At what I was getting ready to ask.

"Do you want to meet her?"

She reared back a little, obviously startled by my question.

It made two of us.

"Bella," I elaborated. "Do you want to meet her? See what your daughter gave me?"

"Would she even-"

"She's Liberty," Emmett chimed in, and I'd completely managed to forget they were still here. "She'll want to meet you."

"But... but why?"

"Because that's just who she is," I responded, a smile twisting at my lips.

"She doesn't hate me?"

"Oh, she hates you," I said ruefully. "But that's my fault."

She seemed lost for words.

"Come on." I took a step away from her. "Just for an hour or so. I'll call her and let her know we're on our way."

"Wait. I have something..."

Elizabeth disappeared in the back of the apartment, and I reached down and pulled my phone out of my pocket. I stopped, though, my finger hovering over the call button and glanced up at Emmett and Jasper.

"Well?"

"That was the most fucked up thing I think I've ever been a part of," Emmett replied. "But you kicked ass."

I was taken aback for some reason, and then laughed almost hysterically. I'd done it. I'd made it through this shit and gotten what I wanted. And I felt lighter for it, like I could finally fucking move on.

With the girl whose sweet voice was now in my ear, breathing my name out with joy.

"I'm done. It's over. But I... God, you're going to think I'm nuts."

"What?"

"I asked Elizabeth to come meet you."

She was silent.

"Bella?"

"Why?"

"She knows about Maggie. You. I- It's not exactly how I thought. There were things that-" I huffed. "I can explain it better after I've processed it all."

"What's there to process?"

"I need to adjust my perception of events," I told her honestly.

"I have no idea what that means. But I don't care. I'm just glad you're okay." I could hear her start to cry on the other end. "You have no idea."

"Baby," I moaned. "Please. I'm fine. I promise."

"I know. That's why I'm crying," she said, making this weird sound. "You've come so far in the last ten months."

"I've got more to go," I reminded her.

I saw Elizabeth out of the corner of my eye, dressed in a pair of jeans and a loose, white button-up, and straightened up, clearing my throat. "I've gotta go. I'll be back as soon as I can. Want to meet us downstairs in the lobby?"

"Yeah," she sniffed. "I can do that."

I quickly murmured a goodbye, and then faced my mother. My eyes zeroed in on the black lacquered box in her hand.

"No."

"He'd be proud of you," she said softly. "You've grown into someone..."

I looked away. I didn't want to hear that shit.

"Well, here. I think you should have it. It's got everything I kept of your dad in it."

"Yeah, I know."

"Maggie's in there too."

The fuck?

She laughed at my reaction. "See for yourself."

I hesitantly took the box from her and opened it. There were the knickknacks, keepsakes, I remembered, the picture of my father-

"You look like him."

I stared at the photo but didn't see the resemblance. "Maybe."

I put it back and continued my search. Nothing about Maggie was in the box. I was just about to start yelling at Elizabeth when I spotted something. A little tab at the top, revealing a compartment in the lid.

So many things I'd blocked out over the years, missed as a child...

I pulled the tab, cringing when it came popping out of the lid roughly, and then eased it the rest of the way down. One single picture sat inside of a tow-headed newborn with a stupid fucking headband on her head and a frilly, yellow dress on, a caption scrawled across the back.

Margaret Grace Masen

July 31st, 1990

Always loved

Always remembered

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