A/N: This was not the chapter I meant to write - it wasn't part of the plan or part of the outline, but it was written and here it is.

#*#*#*#*#

Jax watched in horror as the blue glass of the Bank of Hawaii building shattered outward, raining down on the ground below. Flames and smoke plumed up and dust filled the air. It coated her throat, choking her. She looked around, frantic, but she couldn't find them. They were all still in the building.

Movement in one of the upper floors caught her eye. The windows there were blown out, too, leaving gaping holes. Kono was standing on the edge, coughing, as flame and smoke rose up behind her. Jax watched in horror as she stepped off the edge, and she covered her ears, desperately trying to block out the inevitable sound. She started running toward the building, her feet tangled in debris, slowing her progress.

"Jax?"

It was Steve's voice, coming from the building. There was an ominous rumble, like she'd heard before, and she knew that she had only seconds to get to him, to tell him to get out. The ground vibrated, and she shook the debris free and she was moving, finally . . . she reached the spot where she thought Kono should be, maybe . . . she thought that she recognized a boot and she absently tried to pick it up, but her hands moved through the debris without being able to actually touch anything.

"Jax."

The building started to fold in on itself, more brilliant blue glass glittering down in the sunlight, the terracotta accents breaking loose and falling, landing on cars, landing on her, pinning her down . . . she remembered the pain, breaking over her in waves as she drifted in and out of consciousness.

"Jax, ku'uipo."

Steve's voice was soft, and full of regret and sorrow. She had failed, again, then. She gave up struggling, it was no use. The building had fallen, taking her team with it, taking the boys with it. With any luck, this time it would fall on her too. She put her hand absently to her side. The memory of the pain sucked her under, the memory of the smoke, and the dust . . . so much dust, cloying and sticking to the roof of her mouth, making her choke, and gag . . .

Hands were moving her, then, but she didn't want to be moved. She didn't want to be taken to safety. She'd tell them to leave her, let her go, she'd laid there too long already, and she tried to get the words out, forcing them out through a throat swollen and filled with dust and she gagged, retching . . .

"I've got you, Jax . . ." Steve's voice again, and Steve's hands, strong and gentle. The feel of tile on her bare hip, the curve of porcelain under her hand. She grabbed at it for support.

"I've got you," Steve said again, "it's okay, there you go." He murmured nonsense to her, one hand holding back her hair, one hand gentle between her shoulder blades, as she coughed and retched, violently enough to bring up the meager remains of last night's smoothie. He knelt next to her on the cool bathroom tile.

She closed her eyes and rested her forehead on her hand for a moment, then sat back on her heels. She could still feel the dust, feel it choking her.

"Water," she rasped, gagging again as she pushed herself away from the toilet and leaned against the wall, pulling her knees up to her chest and wrapping her shaking arms around them.

Steve stood, ignoring his protesting muscles, stiff from yesterday's fall and not prepared for action. He grabbed a cup from the sink and filled it with water, then slid down the wall to sit next to her. One arm wrapped around her shoulder, and the other hand held the cup to her lips. She reached for it, her hand trembling, and he put his fingers around hers to steady it.

"Small sips," he murmured.

She filled her mouth with water and spat into the toilet once, then again, and then swallowed a tiny sip. She gagged a bit, and he steadied her with a cool hand against her forehead.

"Open your eyes, Jax," he said, speaking the words quietly into her ear. "Open your eyes. You're here, with me."

She opened her eyes, unaware that they were even closed. The bedroom floor was strewn with the sheet, pulled completely from the bed and twisted. It made a little trail from the bed to the bathroom door.

"Here," he said, pushing the cup to her lips again. "Another sip."

She took a sip, gagging once more. She coughed and tried another sip, and the cool liquid finally eased down her throat.

"You with me?" Steve asked. She was still wrapped tightly around herself, shaking, but she nodded.

"I . . . Kono jumped, and then the building fell, and I couldn't . . . you and Danny -"

"Shh," he whispered, pulling her against his chest. "I know. You were yelling, and then you were tangled in the sheet. It's okay."

"What if this had happened at the scene yesterday?" she asked, frustrated and mortified at the thought.

"But it didn't," he said. "You handled the scene beautifully. In your sleep, your mind drifted, got 9/11 and yesterday confused." He rubbed her back in gentle circles.

"You should have your arm in a sling," she said absently.

"I'm fine, Jax," he said. "You were holding your side. You okay? You took a fall out of the bed."

"Yeah, I was . . . you ever come out of a nightmare, about something that happened, and you'd swear you could feel it?" she asked.

"Ummhmm," he murmured, his hand drifting under her tshirt, his long fingers tracing over the scars on her side. "Jax . . . you were - do you remember, that day, how long was it before help got to you?"

"Why?" she asked, rubbing her face.

"Something you said, just before . . . just made me wonder," he said, tucking her hair back.

"I don't know," she answered. "They found me after the building finished falling. I remember thinking it was pointless, I could feel so much blood under me. I was cold."

"Jax," he whispered, pressing his face into her hair, which had dried in complete disarray overnight.

She closed her eyes and snuggled against him. "This bathroom floor is cold," she observed.

"It is," he agreed, chuckling. "Wanna get up?"

"Can there be coffee?" she asked.

"There can always be coffee," he assured her. He stood, joints popping, and held his hand down to her.

She tilted her head, ensuring that he wasn't reaching with his just dislocated shoulder, and then grabbed his hand. He pulled her easily to her feet, and then wrapped her in his arms again, cradling her head against his chest. Her arms looped around his waist, her fingers absently skimming over the soft skin above his shorts, which hung dangerously low on his hips. He felt warm, and solid, and alive beneath her touch, and it caught in her throat, the sheer relief of it.

"Hey," he mumbled, "you okay?"

She nodded, unable to get words to form, much less force them out.

"You sure, 'cause that was a bad one, I know, and if you need some time, if you need -"

Her arms tightened around him. "I'm good, I -" She paused. "Let's just have boring paperwork today, though, okay?"

"Yeah, I think even Kono will go for that," he agreed. "Want first dibs on the shower? I'll go make coffee."

She nodded and pulled away from him reluctantly. He framed her face in his hands and kissed her forehead tenderly, then headed out. She could hear him greeting Pupule as he headed down the stairs.

The shower felt wonderful, eliminating the lingering chill that had accompanied the nightmare. She took a steadying breath as she worked conditioner through her hair, reminding herself that yesterday was not 9/11, that the building had not fallen. The last of the tangles submitted, and she turned off the water and wrung out her hair, wrapping a towel around herself.

"Coffee, Mrs. McGarrett?" Steve said, his voice still sleep rasped, as he stood in the doorway.

She sighed happily. "Thank you, Commander McGarrett," she said, wrapping her hands around the steaming mug.

"You're sure you're okay?" he asked, stroking her cheek with the backs of his fingers.

"Yeah," she nodded. "Sorry for, you know. Waking you up with all the drama and the falling and the puking and stuff."

"Think I can overlook that, considering you put me to sleep with all the . . . you know. Other stuff," he said, smirking.

She smiled at him over the rim of her coffee cup, her eyes sparkling.

"Okay, stop with the face, or we'll be late to work," he said.

"Face? I don't have a face," she said, barely rescuing her towel from abandoning its position as she headed into the bedroom. "You. You're the one with the face."

"Is that a Jersey thing?" he yelled, over the sound of rushing water.

#*#*#*#*#

The Silverado and the Camaro pulled into the lot at the same time, and Steve and Danny grinned as they both rather gingerly exited their respective vehicles.

"Good morning, McGarretts," Danny said, "and how is the happy couple this morning?"

"Good, Danny," Steve said. He glanced down at Jax and then back at Danny. He smiled, but Danny could read the concern in his eyes.

"Yeah?" Danny asked, reaching out and giving Jax's hair a tug. "Yesterday was . . . so you're okay?"

"Yesterday, you and Steve walked out of a building, a little beat up, but the building did not fall, the team is okay, and I woke up - okay, well, I had a nightmare, but then I woke up, well, and then there was the puking - but Steve was there, and now I'm at work, and you're here, and you're both okay," Jax said, as Steve squeezed her hand and kissed the top of her head. She sighed happily.

Steve and Danny are alive and well, she thought, turning her face up to the sun.

And Billy and Jake are dead.

The thought wrapped around her heart like a cold hand and squeezed. She couldn't breathe, she couldn't speak. She could only hear the rush of blood in her ears, as the flood of condemning, recriminating thoughts echoed through her mind.

Never forget. You forgot. How could you forget? Disloyal. It can't be right to be this happy. Stupid. Do you really think you'd be happy? You don't deserve to be happy. Steve and Danny are alive. Billy and Jake are dead. You should have died with them. You shouldn't be here.

"Babe?" She was distantly aware of Danny's voice, and Steve's hand on the small of her back.

"Billy and Jake are dead," she whispered. "They're dead, and I'm not, and I'm happy . . ."

"Jax," Steve murmured, reaching for her.

"I shouldn't be alive - I don't deserve -" she shook her head, pushing Steve away.

Danny took her firmly by the shoulders. "No. I'm not gonna let you do this, babe. You're not going to push us away, not any of us, but especially not Steve. That's not how this is gonna work."

She covered her face with her hands. "I'm sorry," she whispered. This time she didn't resist when Steve gathered her into his arms, his hand wrapping around her head and tucking it against his chest.

"Jax, you know what this is," Steve said. "We all go through it. Hell, if I analyzed it, I'm sure part of the reason I was reluctant to let Kono plan a wedding reception for us is because of Freddie. Because he was supposed to marry Kelly, and raise that baby with her, and he didn't get the chance. I get it, I do."

"I do too, babe," Danny said. "Hey. How about we let Steve go in and get the ball rolling, and Jax, you and I will make a bakery run. How's that sound?"

Steve nodded. "Take a few minutes, ku'uipo," he encouraged.

"Okay, but don't blow anything up without us," she said, only half teasing.

#*#*#*#*#

Jax emerged from the bakery with a generous sized box and two coffees.

"They make a decent cappucino," she said, as she placed Danny's carefully into his cupholder and put the box on the back seat.

"They do indeed," Danny agreed.

He drove for awhile in silence, waiting for Jax to question why they weren't headed back to the palace. It took far too long, even for her.

"Wait, Danny, where the hell are we?" she asked, finally.

"Geez, kid, you are never in charge of transportation," Danny said, glancing at her. "We're making a stop."

"Danny, we -"

"Shaddup," he said, pulling off the road at his favorite overlook, "and look at that."

"Danny," Jax whined, then broke off, looking out. "Wow."

Danny chuckled and turned off the ignition. "Yeah," he agreed. "Can't believe I haven't brought you up here. You know, I hated it when I first moved to the island."

"I remember," Jax said, taking a sip of her coffee as she climbed out of the car.

"I got lost, believe it or not, and ended up sitting on this overlook. I decided, maybe, there were some redeeming features. That was before I met Steve," Danny said, getting out of the car, slowly, and joining Jax, leaning against the hood.

"You didn't think Steve was a redeeming feature at first," Jax said. "You called me that night, told me that you'd met the most arrogant asshole on the island."

"I did," Danny nodded. "You wanna tell me what has you off your game? And how bad does a dream have to be to induce vomiting, may I ask?"

"It was a really, really bad nightmare, Danny," Jax said quietly. "I've had them before, you know, but this time it was . . . yesterday, and that day, blurred together. And then I remembered - I'd forgotten, I hadn't thought about anything about that day other than losing the boys, really, but I remembered how bad it hurt, and how . . . I was conscious, off and on, and -" she stopped, swallowing convulsively.

"Whoa, whoa, okay," Danny said. "Don't - geez. I'm sorry. Okay, I get it."

"You know, that - when you get a concussion, or get shot, that - that awful feeling, where your stomach just drops, and -"

"Yes," Danny said quickly. He was all too familiar. "Okay. Don't think about it now."

"Sorry," Jax said, grinning. Danny looked a little green now, too.

"So, what can I do to help?" Danny asked. "Do you need me to drive you over to Lieutenant Allen's office, or -"

"I'm capable of driving myself," Jax said, rolling her eyes. "I'm not gonna -" she gestured to the low stone wall impatiently.

"Not gonna drive off a cliff?" Danny asked. "You feel like you need to specifically assure me of that? Gotta say, that's not inspiring confidence."

"I didn't really mean to, that one time, you know," she said quietly. "It wasn't premeditated, Danny. I didn't have a plan or anything. It was an impulse."

"You said, this morning, you blurted it out, 'I shouldn't be alive,'" Danny said. "Scared the shit outta me. Was that an impulse, too?"

"I'm not gonna - I wouldn't do that to Steve. To the team, to you . . . I wouldn't, Danny," she said earnestly. "I promise."

Danny looked at her, his eyes so profoundly sad that it startled her, a bit. "Oh, babe," he said. "Only because of how bad it would hurt us? That's it? You're making a promise to not hurt us."

"Well yeah, Danny, I thought that would, you know, help you. Feel better," Jax said, confused. "I can handle it, I can."

"You'll carry around all the guilt, all the hurt, keep it tucked way down, way inside, so we don't have to?" Danny asked. He put his coffee down and reached for hers, setting it gently on the hood of the car next to his. He took both of her hands in his. "What are you gonna do with all that guilt and all that hurt, Jax?"

"I - " her breath hitched. "I don't know, Danny. I just know that I can't . . . "

"What, babe, what can't you do?" he asked, rubbing his thumb over her knuckles.

"You were there. You know. Never forget. And this morning - Danny, I forgot," she said, her voice dropping to a horrified whisper. "I forgot. I was standing there, happy, because you and Steve were alive and - oh, God, Danny, for a moment, I had forgotten, I had forgotten that the boys were gone."

"Jax, it's okay -"

"No, it's not! How is that okay, Danny? What kind of person just . . . how am I supposed to live with myself?"

Danny flinched.

"Danny, no, that's not - you're reading too much into every little thing I say," she said desperately.

"Am I?" he asked.

"Yes," she insisted. "It's - Danny. Danny, I'm married, and I have friends, and I'm . . . things are good. Things are really good, better than I ever imagined they could be."

"And what's wrong with that?"

"What's wrong, Danny, is that - how? How can I - how can things be so good for me with . . . without them? Without Billy and Jake? I've . . . what, moved on?" she asked. She was pacing, now, back and forth in front of the car.

"What's wrong with moving on?"

"God, you sound just like Stephanie. What's wrong is that - without them? I - Danny, I got married. To Steve," she said.

"Ah. Not to Jake," Danny said.

"Yeah." She stopped and sat down, hard, on the low stone wall. Danny had to fight the urge to go and pull her physically away from the edge. "I replaced him," she added bitterly. "Long before I got married, I replaced him. Jake."

"And it's just now . . . I mean, babe, you've been with Steve for a while now," Danny said. He sat down next to her and linked his hand with hers, just to be safe. He might be terrified about her frame of mind, but one thing he knew for certain, she'd never, under any circumstances, do anything to hurt him. "With him. In the biblical sense," he teased gently, nudging her with his elbow.

"I know," she said. "That makes it worse, Danny, because I didn't think about it that way, not until now, it's . . . oh God."

"Jax," Danny sighed. "You know how much I adored Grace. I named a child after her, for goodness sakes. I only name children after people I love very, very much, you know," he reminded her. She smiled. "I lost Grace that day, right? It was awful. But I've had partners since then. It doesn't mean I replaced Grace. There's no replacing Grace, just like there's no replacing Jake. But cops, we aren't meant to work alone. So I had other partners, in Jersey. And then Meka here. And then Steve, God help me."

Jax nodded.

"Same goes with people. Even hard core, bad ass, lone wolf types like you and Steve," Danny continued. "You aren't really meant to be alone. You need a fellow bad ass. Jake was . . . I wish I'd known you two were, you know. A couple. I would've liked to have gotten to know him a little better. But babe, he . . . he died, honey. You weren't meant to be celibate forever. That's not how it works."

She looked at him side-eyed. "Hardly celibate," she muttered. "You know that. You picked me up drunk more than once, before or after I was . . . you know. Picking up a guy. And that one time, literally, during -"

Danny cut her off with a glare. "Yeah, and lemme tell you, having a healthy relationship with someone you love is a hell of a lot of an improvement over that situation," Danny said. "I don't understand why . . . I don't understand. I'm sorry. Why now, why are you punishing yourself now?"

"Because, Danny, after Jake there wasn't - it was just - you know. Screwing around," she said.

"And with Steve?" Danny asked.

"It's not that," she said. "Well, I mean, it's definitely that -"

"Seriously, no," Danny said, holding up a hand. "I get it."

"I mean, it's really, really definitely a lot of that, and then yesterday, there was the explosion, and the building, and you and Steve - Danny, I thought you'd never come out of that building, and then you did. And then last night, there was -" she stopped at Danny's pained expression. "Um, so I've - okay, stuff that since the, you know, stuff in New York, that's freaked me out, and lastnightnotsomuch and I thought, wow, okay, I'm better. I'm so much better, and everything is better. You know?"

"God help me, yes, I think I can imagine," Danny said faintly. "Go on."

"And then, this morning, it was . . . it was that day, and it was yesterday, and it all blurred together, but Steve was there, Danny, you have no idea, he's - Danny, no one else, no one else could put up with my shit, and my nightmares, and flashbacks, and PTSD, and he does. He puts up with all of it," she said earnestly.

"He understands, babe," Danny said. "And any guy who didn't - well, they weren't worth it."

"But Steve," she said, and Danny smiled at the way her face went soft, saying his name. "He - Danny, you know it, he could have anyone. Anyone. He's gorgeous, and smart, and . . . Catherine, he could have Catherine. Oh, and he's so kind, Danny, besides you he's the kindest person I know. You wouldn't think, at first, because there's, you know, the guns and stuff, but seriously. Anyone. And he . . . me, Danny. Me, with all my baggage, and all my crap, and he knew - he knew, I wasn't even going to tell you, but he knew that I'd been -"

Danny waited patiently, tightening his grip on Jax's hand.

"We haven't done you any favors, babe," Danny said, his eyes filling with tears. "We've played along not saying it, and it was wrong. I'm sorry."

Jax shook her head. "But he . . . he didn't treat me like damaged goods, Danny."

"Of course not, because you aren't," Danny said.

"Danny, that's not how the world works, though, and you know it," Jax said. "But Steve, he . . . I don't deserve him. Billy and Jake, they never got to have . . . I should have died with them, Danny, it's the only thing that makes sense. Me, being this happy, it doesn't make any sense."

Danny wrapped his arm around her shoulders. "You, not being in the world, right here and right now, doesn't make any sense, either. I know, it's not fair that the boys were taken so young, but they were FDNY. That's who they were, and they couldn't have changed that. And you, you were NYPD and SWAT and now Five-O. And you're Steve's wife, and Kono's friend, and Gracie's aunt, and Charles Nolan's godmother - oh, yeah, that's gonna be a thing, by the way, talk to you about that later. But that's who you are now, Jax, and you can't - please, God, tell me you don't want to change that."

Her breath hitched as she shook her head. "I don't, Danny, I want to be all those things. I just . . . I don't know how to be those things and not feel so damn guilty about it. Like . . . like I'm betraying the boys. They'll never have those things, Danny, and I can't make sense of it."

"I know, Jax, and you know . . . they talked to us about this, for years after. Survivor's guilt. You've had training, you've had seminars . . . we've . . . Jax, for years we were talking people down off bridges, you know that's what this is," Danny said.

Jax nodded. "I know, Danny, I just . . . I don't know how to do this. I'm supposed to hold on to their memories and let go of the guilt and I don't know how."

Danny put both arms around her and tucked her face into the crook of his neck. "You let us help you, babe, that's how," he whispered.

#*#*#*#*#

Steve checked in with Kono, Chin, and Grover, already up and running on putting together the complex pieces of the case.

"Great start, keep at it," he said. He took a deep breath. "I'm sure you can imagine that the situation of the building explosion yesterday was difficult for Jax."

"Yeah, especially since you and Williams took your sweet time getting out," Grover pointed out.

"Duly noted," Steve said, apologetically. "As you know, Jax was able to handle things at the scene remarkably well, all things considered. But she's struggling this morning. She and Danny are taking a few extra minutes, to give her a little time to regroup. Danny suggested they go get some food to bring in for the team, since we're going to have a long and tedious day ahead of us. They'll be in soon. Danny's obviously going to need to stay off that knee, so he will go over CCTV footage. Okay, I'll let you get back to what you were doing."

He went into his office before any more questions could be asked, and picked up the phone.

#*#*#*#*#

"Commander," Lieutenant Stephanie Allen said, her brow furrowing in concern. "I heard about the Bank of Hawaii situation yesterday. Is your team okay?"

"Yes and no," Steve said honestly. "Danny and I got a little beat up coming out of the building. We also . . . well, we were delayed in getting out. We were inside when the explosion happened."

"Ah. And Jax was outside," Stephanie guessed. "That must have brought back a lot."

"Yes, ma'am," Steve said. "She had a pretty violent . . . well, I think it was a nightmare and a flashback blurred together, early this morning. It took me forever to wake her up, and from what she was screaming, it was bad."

"I'm so sorry," Stephanie said. "Should I make room for her, or for both of you, this morning?"

"I'm not sure," Steve replied. "Danny suggested taking her to make a bakery run, and I got a quick text from him saying they'd stopped at a nice overlook . . . I think he's going to try talking to her. When we got to work this morning, she was happy. Really, really happy, and happy to see Danny, and glad everyone was okay, and then . . ."

"Oh, I think I know where this is headed," Stephanie said. "She does not yet know how to process happiness."

"Yeah, it was . . . she said that she'd forgotten, you know? For just a moment. She'd forgotten about her brother and her boyfriend, and she . . . she took it kind of hard," Steve said.

"Commander, she has expressed to me on more than one occasion that she is happier than she ever imagined she would be," Stephanie said gently. "You should take that as a tremendous compliment. But yes, she does have a great deal of trouble allowing herself to accept that happiness. It is, as you well know, a textbook expression of survivor's guilt. We talk about it at almost every visit, and I hope that I've given her some tools, but ultimately - she has to figure out how to hold on to the memories of those she lost, and let go of the guilt."

"Yeah," Steve said. "God knows I can relate to the difficulty."

"I'm sure you can, on almost every level," Stephanie said, "but there's one significant difference, Commander. I will go out on a limb and assume that you were not having a romantic, physically intimate relationship with any of the people you lost in combat."

"Yes, that would be a correct assumption," Steve said.

"Well, she was," Stephanie reminded him. "So, she has a unique dynamic of this that you've not experienced, and it does make it even more challenging. Just something to keep in mind."

Steve rubbed a hand over his face. "Thanks," he said. "I appreciate the insight, Lieutenant."

"Any time, Commander," she answered. "Keep me posted, and don't hesitate to call."

Steve placed his phone gently on his desk and picked up the framed picture that Chin had taken, at the resort. The picture that was to be Kono's inspiration for their wedding reception.

"Boss?" Kono said, hesitantly, in his doorway.

"Hey, Kono," he said, gesturing for her to come in. "What is it? Did you find something?"

"Not yet, I . . . I'm sorry, I just see you in here, looking so worried, and Danny and Jax still aren't back. Is everything okay? Is there anything I can do?" she asked, her eyes wide with worry.

"Danny and Jax are going to need all of the CCTV footage from the bank," Steve said. "They'll be going over that, looking for anything of significance. Could you set that up for them in Danny's office?"

"Absolutely," Kono said. "So, I get that Danny is hurt, but Jax?"

"I'm going to keep her out of the field today," Steve said.

"Boss, seriously?" Kono demanded, putting her hands on her hips. "She's gonna kick your ass. I know, you said she had a . . . a flashback or whatever, but she's not some shrinking violet. Just because we're women, doesn't mean we need to be coddled."

Steve stood up, not threatening, but definitely looming. Just a bit.

"You knew she was struggling at the scene yesterday."

"I did," Kono said, squaring her shoulders. "Look, we were all terrified when you and Danny didn't come out right behind us, not just Jax. And I knew . . . the explosion shook her up, but she's told me that she is working on things to do when that happens. I've even watched her do it. She was rock solid, boss. She totally held it together at the scene yesterday, at least as much as any of the rest of us did."

"She did," Steve said. "And then, early this morning, she saw you, Kono. She saw you standing in the blown out window frame, and she screamed your name, over and over, until she was hoarse, and she watched you jump. And I watched her on the floor of our bedroom, trying to . . . " he stopped, swallowing, and rubbing his eyes. He took a shaky breath. "I watched her moving her hands on our bedroom floor, trying to pick up . . . what was left."

"Steve," Kono whispered, pressing her fist to her mouth.

"And I couldn't wake her up," he continued, looking down at Kono. He did have a couple of inches on her, though she seemed to forget that when she kept up with him in the field. "She remembered getting poleaxed by falling debris, apparently, and while I was trying to wake her up, get her untangled, she was begging to be left so that the building would fall on her. She was begging me to leave her to die, Kono. So no. I'm not coddling her, but I'm damn well not clearing her for field duty."

"I'm so, so sorry," Kono said, shaking her head.

"She'll be okay, Kono, she really will," Steve assured her, smiling and taking a half step back, now that he'd made his point.

"I believe that boss, that's not what I - I'm sorry that you had to go through that, Steve," Kono said. She wrapped her long arms around Steve and pressed his head onto her shoulder. It was, really, just barely a couple of inches, and at her soft touch he sank into her. "I can't imagine the hell that was for you. I'm sorry. Are you okay?"

He let himself accept comfort from her, let her pet his head like a favorite brother.

"Stupid question," Kono said, "of course you're not okay. But you will be. I'll go get the footage set up, and I'll get a footrest for Danny's knee. I have just the thing, it was perfect when I twisted mine up the other month."

#*#*#*#*#

"Well, here comes beauty and the beast," Grover teased gently, as Jax and Danny came off the elevator. "I'm not gonna do that thing where we all pretend we don't know that you're having a bitch of a morning," he added, hugging Jax gently.

Jax self-consciously accepted the hugs and assurances of support from her team members, and Danny thought she looked exceptionally relieved when Steve announced that he'd brief them on their task in Danny's office. They stepped in and Steve closed the door behind them.

"Hey," he said softly, wrapping his arms around Jax. "You okay? What can I do?"

"I think, honestly, I need some work to focus on," she said.

"I understand," Steve nodded. "And I hope you'll understand . . . I'd prefer to keep you out of the field, just for today."

She nodded miserably. "It would be irresponsible of me to insist that I'm fit for field duty at the moment."

"So," Steve said, "I need you two to go over the CCTV footage from the bank. Someone was there who didn't belong, and I want to know who."

"Perfect job for the wounded and I am delighted to have Jax partnered with me," Danny said.

Steve kissed Jax on the cheek. "You sure you're okay?" he murmured.

She nodded. "Go, this is a huge case. Go, dangle a suspect off a roof or something, get a lead."

Steve gave a lazy salute and headed out the door.

The rest of the day passed in the usual organized chaos of trying to put the pieces together. Chin and Kono were dispatched to gather as much information as they could from the guard, who was in and out of consciousness. Steve and Grover went back to the scene to check in with the forensic techs and explosive specialists. Charlie was puzzling over the device that Steve had yanked from the server.

Danny and Jax cued up the CCTV footage.

"The building only opened at nine, right?" Jax said, settling into the comfortable chair that Kono had pulled up to Danny's desk for her. "So we have, what, an hour or so of footage to go over?"

Danny chuckled. Jax had never pulled her fair share of this type of work; she'd always managed to pawn it off on someone else, usually by making a shift trade deal they couldn't refuse or - he suspected, more than once - batting her eyelashes and asking nicely.

"Babe. One hour of footage, from over one hundred cameras. We have a hundred or so hours of footage to go over," Danny explained.

"Oh, shit," Jax groaned. "I gotta get coffee."

"We haven't even started yet," Danny pointed out.

"It's preemptive caffeination," Jax said. "I'll bring you some."

Danny laughed to himself and loosened his tie, settling in for the long, tedious task of studying grainy security footage. He'd done this more times than he could count, and while it wasn't sexy or exciting, he'd broken more than one case as a result.

Jax placed a cup of coffee on his desk. "Here, I think I got it sweet enough for you," she said.

He noticed that her coffee was light, like his.

"Splurging today?" he asked, nodding his head at her cup.

"What? Oh, yeah, I thought it tasted a little funny, so I added some cream to it," she said absently. "You know, no one but Kono gets that machine to make good coffee."

"True," Danny said. "Thanks. Okay, so, grasshopper, here's what we're looking for - anyone that is moving against the grain. Anyone who stands out - maybe they're wearing a heavy jacket, maybe a hood, like they don't want to be seen. Maybe they're going in a door marked employees only, but they don't have on a uniform. Just . . . trust your instincts. If we see something odd, we show it to each other first, and then we download the clip into a separate - oh, geez, don't look at me like that, when you get to it I'll show you how, it's not that hard, seriously, Gracie could do it. Okay?"

"Okay," Jax said, nodding. "You, um . . . this really would have been too much work for one person, wouldn't it?"

"Yeah, it definitely would have," Danny agreed.

Jax shrugged. "Well. At least I'm being genuinely useful."

#*#*#*#*#

Steve rubbed his shoulder absently as they drove home. It was almost dark; they'd worked well past the dinner hour, eating poking at food in take-out cartons as they worked on their respective leads.

"You should have had that arm in a sling all day," Jax chided gently.

"Got in the way while we were going through the scene," he explained. "Did you and Danny find anything on the footage?"

"No, but we're only about twelve hours into it, between the two of us," Jax said. "Anything interesting from the bomb guys?"

"The explosion wiped out the servers. The bank had most of their data backed up automatically, but still, it's going to take their people weeks to confirm everything," Steve sighed. "The governor, of course, is about to have a meltdown. I just hope Charlie can get something useful off the hardware we pulled. I'd hate to think I got Danny got hurt for absolutely nothing. How's he doing, by the way?"

"Not too bad," Jax said. "He will have a follow up day after tomorrow, see where he stands once the initial swelling goes down a little."

"And you?" Steve asked softly. "How are you doing, Jax?"

She was silent for a long time. "I'm more embarrassed than anything," she mumbled, finally. "I just had a nightmare, and it threw me. I didn't mean to make such a big deal."

Steve didn't say anything as he pulled into the short drive in front of his house. He turned off the ignition and climbed out of the truck slowly, meeting up with Jax at the front of it. The lights flashed and there was a faint beep as he locked it behind him. Taking Jax's hand, he headed up the walk. When the reached the front porch, he let her get a step up, then tugged on her hand until she turned around.

"You wanna try that again, Jax," he said, "and this time let's go with the truth."

"I really am embarrassed," she said, "that's the truth."

"Why? You did Five-O proud at the scene yesterday. There's no shame in the fact that you did your job, admirably, despite the obvious and painful memories it brought up," Steve said.

"Yeah, yesterday," Jax said. "And then today, I lost my shit."

Steve wrapped his arms around her and held her close, cradling her head with his hand. He wasn't going to insult her by arguing with her.

"What do you need, right now?" he asked. "What would help?"

She thought for a moment. "A shower, and then maybe . . . sit on the lanai, upstairs, for a while?"

"Perfect," he said, kissing the top of her head.

#*#*#*#*#

In the time it took Jax to unfold the quilt and settle into the loveseat on the lanai, Steve had showered and emerged, wearing gym shorts and rubbing his damp hair with a towel.

"They really aren't kidding about the Navy showers, are they?" she asked.

"Especially not when you're on a sub," he said, completely serious. "Plus, you didn't leave me much hot water."

"Sorry," she said, as he sat down next to her.

He tentatively put his arm around her. "Is this okay?" he asked.

She put her hands over her face. "Oh, God, Steve, I don't want to be this person. You're walking on eggshells around me. I just want everything to be okay and go back to normal."

He rubbed her back gently. "Normal, for us, includes having to deal with things like flashbacks and survivor's guilt. That's why we fit, Jax. The fact that it takes some work doesn't scare me one bit. I just want you to be healthy and happy."

"That seems to be the problem," Jax sighed. "I'm too damn happy. My life did not prepare me to deal with this level of happiness."

Steve laughed. "Of the many things I love about you, your Jersey humor is near the top of the list."

"Yeah?"

"Oh, yeah, why do you think I chose Danny for my partner?"

"Because he's so much shorter than you, and he makes you look even more impressive?" Jax asked innocently. "Wait - what does that say about our relationship?"

"Apparently I'm drawn to short people with hot tempers and Jersey accents," Steve mused.

"Well, half the island thinks you're dating Danny," she pointed out.

"I think a new baby for him and a formal wedding announcement from us will dispel that myth," Steve said. "That is if . . . if you're comfortable still letting Kono, you know. Do the thing."

"I'm a lot of crazy to put up with, Steve," she said slowly. "I would understand, I would, if you feel like you didn't sign on for this."

"Actually, I did," he said. "When I said for better or for worse."

"But you didn't know that was real," she argued.

"It was for me. I knew I wanted it to be real, so as far as I was concerned, it was," he said.

She thought for a long moment. "I didn't think it was real. Not because I didn't want it to be, but because I couldn't believe that . . . things like that just don't happen for me, you know. Things like that aren't supposed to happen for me."

"Jax," he whispered, "you're allowed to be happy."

"I'm not so sure," she whispered.

"I am," he said, pulling her as close to him as he could, assorted bruises and sore shoulder forgotten. "And I intend to convince you."

#*#*#*#*#

"That was convincing," Jax murmured, as Steve traced over the ink on her hip. She shivered at his delicate touch.

"Yeah?" he grinned. His long arm reached down to the floor, snagged a sheet, and pulled it over her.

"There will never, never be anyone else, as long as we're together," she blurted, out of the blue. "I mean it. I promise. I may not have known the, you know, the vows - I didn't know they were real at the time, but if I had, I would have meant it. And I mean it now."

"Okay," Steve said slowly. "Same . . . you know that, right?"

She nodded emphatically.

"Good . . . so, why . . .? Did I say something to make you think I doubted -" Steve sat up, leaning against the headboard, and pulled Jax up to snuggle securely against him. "Because I don't."

"No, no, it's - I talked to Danny today," she said. "About . . . how I was feeling. About being so happy - really, so very happy, that you and Danny were okay, but . . . "

"Yeah, that's good," Steve said. "Danny's a good guy to talk to. Don't tell him I said that."

"I won't," Jax laughed. "But yeah, it really helped . . . but we talked about why it's so hard for me to . . . hmm. Because of you, now, and Jake, then . . . It's really hard to not feel guilty. Now. And . . . okay, Danny's never said anything to you about -?" She broke off abruptly and shook her head.

"What, ku'uipo?" Steve prompted.

"Danny didn't understand why, now, all of a sudden, I was . . . because he knew, in New York, I wasn't exactly . . . celibate," Jax said, twisting the sheet in her fingers. "He never mentioned -?"

"Ah," Steve said. "Well, it was ten years, you're a beautiful woman, I hadn't assumed that you were. He did mention the one anniversary, that someone called him to come pick you up."

'Yeah, he was a decent guy," Jax said.

"Jax, you don't owe me any explanations," Steve said. "I'm not interested in going back in time and questioning or judging your choices."

"My choices were . . . questionable," Jax said. "Danny got more than one phone call like that. I . . . I'm not proud of it, I was . . . I would go back, you know, to the places where I used to hang out with the boys and . . ."

Steve nodded, stroking her cheek with his fingertips.

"I was lonely, and angry, and . . . some of the guys, they -"

"They took advantage of that," Steve said, his tone cold.

"No," she said, shaking her head. "No. They were willing to let me take advantage. Don't paint me as a saint, Steve, I wasn't. It was fully consensual, I was fully sober, I was just . . . lost."

"And now?" Steve asked. "Now, Mrs. McGarrett?" He trailed kisses down her neck.

"Well, Commander McGarrett, now, I think I'm found," she said. She paused, biting her lip uncertainly. "I think I'm mostly found, but sometimes . . . sometimes I might still get a little lost."

"Hey," he said, cradling her face in his hands. "I will find you, Jax. I will always find you."