Hey all,
**Last chapter for a few weeks and I plan to make it one hell of a chapter! It's an emotional roller coaster of a chapter but I have to admit, as hard as it was to write, this is definitely one of my favourite chapters. I can write this and I hope you agree with me. Sorry to leave you with such an emotional chapter but I hope the ending is enough of a resolution to keep you waiting ;)
So this is it. This is the chapter where I go back to a single sentence that left Kurt's lips in Chapter 3. I'm pretty sure you know whats coming after the previous chapters but just beware.
Warnings:
Dialogue and Flashback heavy.
This is a sad, and bully-heavey chapter. So read with caution.
Strong Language and serious Mentions of Suicide.
One more spoon of cough syrup now..
Big Brother: One, three, four, six, ten.
Dinner at the Hummel/Anderson's had been a complete success. Until now.
Blaine was currently sat on the sofa, his hand resting on Kurt's knee as they were watching the latest episode of The New Normal. He'd tried to convince Kurt to wait until Carson was home knowing how much he loved the show but Kurt had begged and he'd conceded. Dinner had been beautiful, Kurt had cooked a simple dinner; vegetable stir fry. It was simple, yet bursting with flavours, it had been absolutely delicious.
The evening so far had been so beautiful and he didn't want to ruin it with the darkness that was haunting Kurt's past, but he just wanted to help. He wanted to take it as some sort of sign that tonights episode was actually about the pasts Bravid had when growing up in high schools, but what kind of sign was it? Go ahead, ask? or Don't you dare. He was stuck.
Kurt snuggled into his side as the episode came to an end and Blaine wrapped his arm around his shoulder holding the other boy as tight as was possible, he had to be prepared for any sort of response and he needed Kurt to know that he was here for him. So, as he took a deep breath and prepared himself for the worst, I don't want to ask but I have to ask, ugh. Blaine! "Kurt?"
The younger boy replied with a 'mm?' as he sat up, his clear, now grey eyes, looking at him ever so intently. His innocent and trusting gaze was almost enough to derail him but he stayed strong. With another sigh and all the force it took to keep his eyes locked on Kurt's he started, "back in Lima," he saw Kurt's eyes go dark with realisation. "What did those jocks mean by 'when we make a promise, we never break it' and 'the next time we see you it's over?'" Of course he was pretty sure he knew exactly what they meant, but still, he had to ask.
Kurt's gaze dropped almsot immediately "what do you mean?" he spoke softly as he played with the pillow that was situated in his lap. "In all honesty I think it's pretty self explanatory" he said more harshly and Blaine was momentarily taken aback by his tone, Kurt had never spoken to him like that. He knew it wasn't personal, but it still hurt that Kurt would talk to him with such bitterness.
Blaine moved the pillow from Kurt's grasp and replaced it with his hands as he repositioned himself on the sofa so he was now closer, directly facing the boy who wasn't looking at him. His cheeks were now a soft pink as his grip on his hands turned almost painful when he asked Kurt something he'd been dying to ask him. "Kurt, did they" he was struggling saying the words himself and had no idea how Kurt would react. "Did they threaten to kill you?"
In all honesty, all sorts of reactions had crossed Blaine's mind. He thought that Kurt might break down in front of him, thought that maybe he'd start yelling. He'd even considered him just walking away from the conversation and slamming the door behind him as left. What had never crossed his mind however was Kurt telling him the truth from the beginning.
Yes, the silence that followed his question was thick with tension and hundreds of question but eventually, eventually Kurt looked up at him with tear-filled eyes and nodded. Blaine's heart broke at the action and he wished, more then anything, that he could've been there for Kurt, hell that anyone could've been there for him. How can people treat others this way, we're all human.
Kurt looked away after that, his gaze once again falling to their interlocked hands that were resting on his knees. Blaine was thinking of what to say next, Kurt's forwardness had taken him by surprise and he'd expected to do a lot more convincing then that. "They um," Kurt coughed interrupting his thoughts. "It was my Senior year at McKinley. I was the only out guy at school and I was okay with that." He felt Kurt's grip tighten on his hands and he squeezed back reassuringly hoping Kurt would understand how grateful he was that he was willing to tell him.
I can't believe I'm telling him this Kurt thought to himself as he stared at Blaine's hands squeezing them as tightly as his strength allowed. He'd told himself he was to move on from the bullying in High School, even if his family living in Lima made that difficult, he'd vowed to try. He'd expect Blaine to ask him about the jackasses back at the roller rink, he just hadn't expected him to be so forward about it.
Everyone else always avoided the situation, skirted around it because it made them uncomfortable. His Dad had come around eventually but that had taken, he gulped at the flashes of memory, that had taken a terrifying experience for him to realise he had to do more. No one had ever asked him that question so directly before and it had taken him by surprise.
Once the question was out he was compelled to get up and walk away, just walk away from Blaine, from the memories and the pain that came with it. But as he looked at Blaine, his own eyes full of pain and concern, suddenly he couldn't look away. Blaine wanted to help. That was all, for the first time someone was asking him what had happened because he cared, he knew that he'd tell Blaine anything, but the idea of reliving the darkest moments of his life terrified him.
"There was a situation with Karofsky" he said speaking again after moments past as he brought himself back together. "He was the tall guy" he said softly just incase Blaine wasn't sure who he was. He gulped trying to convince himself to carry on speaking, come on Kurt, you can tell him. You can do this. "A few weeks prior to the threat he'd um, there was an incident in the locker room. Um." If Kurt thought telling his psychiatrist was hard, telling someone he actually knew and cared about, it was even harder.
Blaine squeezed his hand causing him to look up at him and smiled, "you can tell me anything Kurt" he said with a small smile, "you know that, right?" and he nodded, because he did. He knew he could tell Blaine anything, that was one of the things he loved about him from the start. Blaine somehow managed to make Kurt want to tell him.
So with a deep breath he spoke, you can do this Kurt, you can. "Karofsky had forced himself on me in the locker rooms after cheer practice one day." He pretended to ignore Blaine's shocked intake of breath and the question in his eyes about 'cheer practice' and continued with his story. "Karofsky kissed me, threw me into the locker. He was pissed off for outing himself like that I guess," he shrugged pretending not to care.
Blaine remained silence, his expression being the only thing that gave Kurt any indication of what he was thinking and he really appreciated it. All Blaine could do for him right now was to listen, not give him the twenty questions with every shocking thing he said. So with a tight smile he looked to Blaine and smiled before continuing.
"A couple weeks passed and the bullying got worse which I expected, but then one day, I was preparing for Dad and Carole's wedding" he said with a small smile thinking back to that dancing session with Finn and his Dad in the choir room. "He came up to me at my locker and asked me if I'd told anyone his secret, which of course I hadn't" he'd actually taken serious offence from that comment but, Karofsky didn't know him and he could understand his fear.
"Karofsky may be an ass but he doesn't deserve to be outed like that, I would never do that" he said turning to Blaine, he saw understanding and something in his eyes that he had never seen before. Compassion maybe? He smiled softly before returning to staring at their hands telling himself to continue. "Anyway, that was the second time he'd threatened to kill me" he said nodding and swallowing hard.
"The second time?" Blaine asked softly, the confusion was evident in his tone as he was probably wondering why he hadn't started at the beginning. There was a moment of silence as Kurt tried to get his thoughts into order, he knew from the moment Blaine had asked that he would be reliving memories he'd rather forget and that of course included the darkest moment in his life.
Of course he already knew that Blaine knew that he'd once tried to take his own life, that fact coming out the very first week he moved here, but that was all he knew. He didn't know that he'd almost succeeded. He didn't know what led him to attempt such a thing, he didn't know anything about it and of course he was curious. Kurt knew that he'd have to tell Blaine everything one day, he'd just never expected it to be so soon.
However as he looked up into the boy watching him with concern through his beautiful dark brown eyes, he knew that telling him would be okay. Reliving the moment would be the hardest thing, but with Blaine at his side, he was pretty sure he could do it. With a small smile and a deep breath he looked at Blaine and began his story.
- Sophomore Year, January 21st 2010 -
A sixteen year old Kurt, who wasn't technically out yet stared at the floor, avoiding all eye contact as he left his English Lit classroom. The only people who knew about his big secret was Carson, who had always known. And his Dad and that was only because he was sick of hiding who he was in his own home.
He'd been very lucky that his Dad had accepted him for who he was and still loved him in spite of that. The rest of Lima however, he knew never would. Of course with his high voice, lean figure and taste in clothes, it made it pretty obvious to the rest of the school without him having to tell them. So of course his life was hell.
He was walking to his locker, praying to the god that he didn't believe in that he wouldn't see any of the jocks before second period. He really liked this outfit and was hoping for the smallest chance of showing it off. However luck wasn't on his side, it never really was, and he was slushied before he even made the four foot walk to his locker. He knew by now to keep at least three changes of clothes on him at all times, but for some reason today it bothered him more then ever, I'm no different then everyone else!
As he wiped the purple slush away from his eyes he sighed in frustration, I hate grape, he tried to restrain his tears while wishing life was easier as he made his way to the bathroom. That morning at home had been a disaster, his Dad receiving a hoax call. Some jock, probably Karofsky, had rang the garage declaring that his son was gay and it had his Dad unsettled. Not for his sons protection, of course not, but because he didn't like being played with like that.
Kurt knew his Dad loved him so much, once their Mum died and Carson left he was all he had, but he couldn't hide how much he had wished that Kurt was different. Burt wanted them to be able to hang out and watch football games together, go to the park and play catch, but Kurt wasn't like that and he knew his Dad found it hard. He could understand, but he hated that he wasn't what his Dad wanted.
The day had passed by in a blur of lockers and multicoloured ice. For whatever reason the slushie facials and locker slams had been tripled today, which brought Kurt's already depressed mood immensely. The jocks kept staring at him and making snide comments like every other day, but not like every other day it was as if they were deliberately seeking him out, and he didn't know why.
Glee club came and went with people he disliked very much, none of them were really friends. Rachel freaking Berry singing another heartbreaking song about Finn not loving her back the way he should, blah, blah, blah. It ended with Rachel storming out, Finn kicking a chair and Mr Schue asking him to stay behind after class. Kurt was rarely asked to stay behind but after snapping at your teacher for no apparent reason, what was he to expect.
He stood in front of Mr Schue as he lectured him about respect, not really listening. I probably know more about respect then you do he thought irritatingly. Kurt's head wasn't in the right place today, all day he'd felt like crying, like going home and hiding away from the world, yet he didn't know why. Maybe it was the constant bullying, his upset Dad or the fact that no one really cared, it was almost as if he'd had enough.
Eventually Mr Schue's lecture turned into some sort of phoney counselling session where he asked if he was okay and how he was coping with all of the bullying. That right there seemed to push him right off of the edge he didn't even know he was standing on. "You know!?" he'd snapped at him before thinking about it. "You know about the bullying?" he asked glaring in disbelief.
Mr Schue nodded as if he didn't understand why he was so surprised, that only made him more furious "You know that I get hounded, every god damn day because of something that isn't even my choice and you purposely don't do anything about it!" he screamed and was never more glad that the school was empty. It was the closest he had ever come to admitting his sexuality in school and he found himself looking around to check there was no one else here.
He was stood opposite a teacher who knew everything, knew what Kurt went through on a daily base because of his sexuality and yet he chose not to do anything about it. What kind of school is this!? What kind of teacher does that!? "Kurt, calm down, alright?" Mr Schue said obviously a little concerned. "If there was anything I could do then I would. Nobody deserves to get bullied like that, but there's nothing I can do. This is just something that-"
"Something I'm going to have to get used to?" he asked, voice raising in anger and disbelief. Mr Schue's expression turned apologetic as he stepped closer to him, putting his arm on his shoulder in what was supposed to be a comforting gesture. The gesture only made him jump and take two steps back. No one ever touched him, always too afraid that they'd catch 'the gay.' "It isn't something anybody should have to get used to" he said staring straight ahead.
He tried to keep his calm but he couldn't, his hands were shaking as he held his english folder to his chest as tight as he could, he could feel the tears pooling behind his eyes and he'd had enough. "Kurt, I'm sorry. I get that this is upsetting for you-" Mr Schue started and he'd finally had enough. This is bullshit.
"You call yourself a teacher, yet you don't give two shit's about anyone but yourself" he said glaring at the older man who he should 'respect.' "You talk about respect Mr Schue, but you don't deserve mine."
Mr Schue looked taken aback at his sudden outburst and he wasn't surprised. Even he hadn't expected to get so angry at his teacher, he never talked back and he's done it several times in one day. Something is very, very wrong. "Kurt I understand you're upset right now but you do not get to talk to me like that. I am your teac-"
Screw this, he thought deciding he didn't want to listen to anymore of his teachers shit. "Some teacher you are if you're more then willing to sit back and let one of your students get hounded day after day purely because he can't help but want to be with someone of the same gender!" He tried to ignore the fact he just completely outed himself and continued on in his rage. "You said no one should have to put up with bullying, yet you make me" he said pointing at the man in front of him not caring about repercussions. "So, what does that make me? An animal? Not Human? Nothing!?"
His breathing was coming hard as he made himself catch his breath, lowering his arm to wrap back around his folders that were against his chest. Mr Schue was staring at him with something like respect or sympathy. In all honesty he didn't care, he already knew that his teacher didn't think he was worth protecting. Then again he thought sadly, no one does.
Kurt could feel the tears pooling behind his eyes, his heart was racing and he couldn't stop his hands and legs from shaking no matter how much he tried. He and his teacher seemed to be staring at each other and just as Mr Schue was about to start talking he turned and headed straight for the parking lot, ignoring his teachers calls, he didn't really care. He needed to get out of here, just get away from this school, from this town, if only I could.
Of course, he was the unluckiest person in the world. When he stepped outside it was chucking it down, the rain pelting so hard onto the pavement it would bounce back up. In seconds his white shirt was sticking to his skin, his styled hair was now a heap and his Biology assignment was probably now a mess of running ink. He sighed, knowing there was nothing he could do about it now and made his way to his car.
Only to be stopped by a group of large boys in red McKinley jackets. Kurt will never, ever admit to anyone how paralysed with fear he was in that very moment. They were throwing comments at him, insulting words as they cornered him like a stupid little lamb who had no idea what they were doing. Everywhere he looked he was literally seeing red, his heart was beating unhealthily fast, so fast that he thought it might give up on him. That might not be a bad thing he thought looking up at Karofsky with fear in his eyes.
"What you still doing here twinkletoes?" One of the jocks asked, he didn't really know that guy, the only two he really knew where Azimo and Karofsky. "Shouldn't you be off in some bathroom stall with some other homo?" he sneered and if it hadn't been so offensive he probably would've laughed at the annoyed glares the fellow jocks sent him at such a dumb witted insult.
Karofsky shook his head and took one step closer to him, he couldn't be more then three feet away from him and he was easily several feet taller then he was, if Karofsky wanted to end the torment then, it would've been easy. One hit and I'd be down, game over. The thought hit him suddenly and it made him smile slightly, if this was it, if I wasn't here, I couldn't get bullied. That was the first time he'd considered the idea of loosing his life, and it wouldn't be the last. "Hummel, how many times do we have to tell you to get out of our school?" he asked harshly making him wince.
Kurt knew better then to reply to them, if he could walk away he would've but considering they had him trapped like a bird he held himself high, staring at Karofsky and kept his mouth shut, which obviously wasn't what they wanted from him today. "Not got anything to say in that girly voice of yours, huh Hummel?" Karofsky asked prodding his shoulder.
Suddenly Karofsky pushed him, it was so unexpected he didn't have time to prepare himself which meant he went falling back into the arms of an unknown jock. "Eww I don't wanna touch him" he complained pushing him, very forcefully back into the centre of the circle.
He tried to remain composed, tried to hide the hurt at that one comment as he straightened his bag and clasped his folders tighter to his chest. "Karofsky, if you wouldn't mind I have somewhere I need to be so, excuse me" he said, willing himself to step forward and ignore the snickering and hatred glares aimed at him.
"Where've you gotta be?" Azimio said with a laugh, "you aint got no friends and I'm sure no other homo in this town would want a someone like you. I mean, you're not a girl, you're not a guy. What the hell are you, dude?" he asked with a grin, high-fiving Karofsky at such a 'clever' insult.
No one should ever be treated like this, like cattle. He had never done anything to any of these assholes surrounding him, nothing, ever. Yet here he stood, in their iron tight grasp all because he's always been himself. No one should ever get picked on like this for being themselves, yet here he is. Alone, like always. The younger Kurt lacked the self confidence and reassurance he would find in later years, during this time he tried to be himself but hide who he was.
"Yeah" Karofsky said taking one step closer, "your Dad's at work, Mother's dead" he said coldly and the mention of his Mum brought him up short. They had never used his Mum's death against him, no one ever spoke of it. How would they even know, that was years ago. "How'd you think she'd feel about her son being some sort of homo princess, hey!" He said shoving his shoulder.
It hurt, emotionally and physically. How could they bring his Mum into this? How dare they? He didn't know what happened, what possessed him to do it or why considering he knew how this would end, but he did it and in all honesty it felt good. One minute Karofsky was making remarks about him disappointing his Mum then next minute he watched as he was stepping back and rubbing his now very red cheek where his two folders had just come into contact with his skin.
The hit and the strength behind it came as a shock to everyone and it was obvious. He knew what he'd done and as much as he should be scared, he didn't regret it, didn't even try and put up a fight. He felt the first hit, the pain excruciating as he tried to keep himself upright. He knew what would happen, how this would end, but it was okay. Maybe if he died, someone would actually care. Maybe my death could make a statement?
"Kurt" Blaine said as he put his hand on Kurt's cheek, slowly wiping away the tears that were slowly and silently falling. There was a pause in Kurt's story telling and he couldn't stay silent anymore. "Baby, I am so sorry," Kurt hadn't even finished his story and he knew from the 'pill bottle' comment that Kurt would survive such a violent homophobic attack from those jocks, but he hated that he even had to go through it, and alone, feeling like no one cared.
Why couldn't I have known Kurt then? Kurt was now pulled up tight against him, his crossed knees flush against his thighs, his gaze was now focused on their intertwined hands as he took a break from re-telling the story of his past. I could have helped him! Blaine hated that there wasn't really anything he could do to help as Kurt relived the moments from his past, all he could do was be there for him now, it wasn't much but it was everything he had.
He watched as Kurt wiped his eyes and looked up to him watery eyes and what appeared to be a genuine smile. "It's okay Blaine, you don't need to apologise. The past is the past, you can't change anything, you just have to learn to live with it" he shrugged as he let out a small laugh which he didn't understand, but he did go on to explain and Blaine wished he hadn't.
"Says the guy who tried to take his life after a fight with a bunch of jocks," Kurt shook his head with a pitiful laugh while Blaine gasped in shock at the bluntness of Kurt's words. He knew Kurt was blunt, one of the things he loved about him, but he had never expected him to be so forward about it now, especially considering only a few months ago neither of them could bring themselves to mention 'suicide.'
"Kurt" he said with disbelief and it held a note of anger, how could he be laughing at such a serious situation. "Kurt it isn't funny" he said softly when the younger boy finally looked back at him. "What if you'd- What if you hadn't-" the words were hard to think, let alone say. What would I have done without him!? He couldn't even begin to think of life without Kurt, what would his life be like now? He'd probably be still dating that cheating bastard.
He looked down at their tangled hands as he let himself, for one second, think about what life would be like if Kurt had succeeded in taking his own life all those years ago. Disastrous and miserable were the two words that came to mind. I'd never have met my soul mate, never would have been truly happy- "Don't" Kurt said firmly regaining his attention. "Blaine I'm here now. With you" he couldn't help but smile slightly at that. "Don't think about the 'what if's,' they don't matter."
Blaine swallowed and nodded once as he looked into the endless grey in his eyes. Kurt was right, he's here now there's no point thanking about him not being here because he is. He is and he always will be, always. "Now, do you want to hear the rest?" he asked softly.
No, I don't want to hear the rest at all. He nodded with a soft smile as his grip tightened, pulling the younger boy closer. Close enough so he could kiss Kurt, softly and gently. Just a brush of lips that reminded them both that they were here, that they were safe, and that they were together. He pulled back with a smile, "only if you're ready to tell it."
Kurt couldn't seem to keep the smile off of his face and he felt a bit giddy at the fact he was the one who could turn Kurt's cheeks such a vivid crimson. There was a beat of silence as the two of them smiled at each other before Kurt spoke, "I'm ready to tell you" he said and it made Blaine's heart flutter.
- Sophomore Year, January 21st 2010 -
Kurt lay in a crumpled lump on the floor of the parking lot. The jocks having long gone once they realiased maybe they'd taken it too far. Obviously with Kurt's current frame of thinking they'd left too early and hadn't taken it far enough. The rain was pelting down, thunder could be heard in the distance, he knew he should move, but it hurt.
Every inch of his skin would be bruised in a few hours, he swore he had at least three broken bones, his ribs and his arm being some of them. He wanted to stay here, surely if he remained where he was he would eventually bleed out, his body going cold only to be found by the students who arrived in the morning. Then, and only then, might someone take notice.
Of course, as he was the unluckiest person in the entire world, Mr Schuester, of all people, ended up finding him not even twenty minutes later. The puddles surrounding him were tainted red as the blood continued to exit his body from the endless cuts covering him from head to toe. It wasn't his choice to be taken to the hospital, he'd tried to tell his teacher that he wanted to go home, unfortunately it turned out he'd lost his voice some point during the attack so even though he thought he was talking, no one could hear, it's not like they would've listened anyway..
He'd never felt more alone in his life and for the first time in over five years he wished, more then anything, that Carson would walk through the hospital doors and make some totally inappropriate remark that would make him feel better. But of course that wouldn't happen, his big brother hasn't been a part of his life for six years, nothings going to change that now.
As he lied in the hospital bed, his Dad on one side his teacher on the other, he came in and out of consciousness due to the pain and the medication he was on. Words such as 'broken bones,' 'concussion' and 'he can go home tonight' were the only ones that stuck. He could hear his Dad talking to him but he couldn't see him and he hurt too much to respond to the pressure on his hand.
Kurt woke up several hours later alone in Carson's old room. His wrist was in a cast, one ankle was swollen, the other in plaster and he had a serious black eye. With a frustrated groan he fell back onto his bed, pulling the covers over his head and wishing more then anything that the light had gone out on his life. He knew he was being selfish when it came to his Dad, but no one really cared and he couldn't do this anymore.
He'd been on the brink of death once, and after the thought of suicide filtered through his head, it was the only thing he could think about. It was an out, he could escape the pain, the bullies, the loneliness, he just had to wait. Then I can be free.
-/-
"It was weeks before I was fully recovered" Kurt said as he picked up the coffee they'd just wondered into the kitchen to make. The two of them were now sat facing each other at the breakfast bar, their conjoined hands resting in the centre of the table. "There was no proof of who attacked me, so it was my word against there's and so, the situation was overlooked" he shrugged ignoring the very angry expression on Blaine's face.
Kurt had thought it would be hard talking about this again, and as hard as it was to relive the memories he'd tried so hard to forget, but it actually made him feel a little bit better knowing that he wasn't alone right now. "I can't believe they didn't do anything" Blaine said angrily, "you could've died, you could've lost your life" he spoke staring at him intently. Then his look turned to one of pain, he never dropped his gaze as he spoke quietly, "but you wanted to. Didn't you?"
Blaine's expression was broken and the tears he was hiding behind the glasses he was now wearing were obvious, but he wasn't going to lie. At that moment in his life, he had wanted the Jocks to take it away from him, the pain, the suffering, it would've all ended if they'd just kept going. So he dropped his gaze as Blaine looked back at him and nodded, "more than anything."
"Oh Kurt" Blaine said sadly as his grip on his hand tightened, painfully so. He didn't say anything, just smiled at the older boy because it was over. It was so far in the past he did what he could to move on. At that moment in his life he wanted it to be over and done with, but now, for the first time since then, he had never been more glad that his attempt had failed. Otherwise he wouldn't be sat here, in his brothers kitchen, with the love of his life.
He didn't know how to respond to Blaine's words so instead he shrugged and started talking about what happened next, hoping to have this conversation over and done with by the time Carson arrived home. "I stayed at home for about two weeks or so before returning to school. Dad protested but I couldn't let them think they'd won" he said gripping onto his cup with his free hand. "I don't know why I thought I had to prove something to them, but I wanted to show they couldn't stop me, even if I wanted them too."
Kurt ignored Blaine's shocked intake of breath and the words he was saying under his breath, some of the things were hilarious but he couldn't get into that now. He wanted this to conversation to be over, yes he wanted to talk about it but he wasn't willing to prolong the conversation. "The day I went back to school, I still wished I hadn't ever had to return but the cards hadn't been dealt that way" he said honestly. There's no point hiding anything from him now.
"February 8th" he said stonily. "I walked into that school with as much dignity as one could with my left wrist and ankle in plaster" he said laughing at his hazy memory. "Wearing an outrageous an outfit as was possible." He looked up to see Blaine smiling at him, "for the first time I'd decided in some way I wanted to fight back." It was all for nothing in the end, even then I had my mind set to some degree.. I knew that this could be it.
"I guess I thought that after what they'd did to me, after they reduced me to a pile of nothing on the floor that they'd leave me be. I mean I was cut and bruised, bandages everywhere and parts of me in cast, I thought they'd leave me be, even for a little while" he sighed. "I was trying to make the best of the situation. I wasn't dead yet" Blaine winced at the words and he felt guilty about being so blunt.
He looked at Blaine apologetically he just shook his head with a sad smile and waited for him to continue, so continue he did. "So I tried to be happy about the idea that my wounds could make me untouchable, even if it was only for a little while. But boy was I wrong" he said with a humourless laugh.
"I was pushed into my locker the moment it was opened, don't get me wrong it wasn't as bad as that last day" he said circling his cup with his thumb. "They slammed me into my locker twice, fortunately the slushie machine was broken so no slushies that day thank god. I have no idea what I would've done if they'd slushied me and I only had one working hand" he looked to Blaine with a laugh in his eyes but Blaine was only staring at him sympathetically.
His mouth fell into a frown, he knew this wasn't funny but sue him if it was the only way he could deal with it. "Glee Club came and went, the guys apologised even though it was nothing to do with them, Mr Schue couldn't look at me and Rachel and Finn sang a song about acceptance. I think it was supposed to make me feel better, but in all honesty it only made me feel worse" he sighed.
Yes he'd wanted to be accepted, but he didn't want a near death experience to be the thing that made people accept him. He didn't want to be considered weak, he didn't want to need to be protected. He wanted people to accept him for who he was because they liked him. Not because they shared a class and they felt the need to protect him. Was it really that much to ask?
He looked up at Blaine with sad eyes, did admitting this make him weak? "I walked out of that classroom in more pain then I had been in lying on the parking lot floor. I walked out of that room knowing," he squeezed Blaine's hand and smiled slightly, reassuring him he was still here. "Knowing what I was going to do." That was supposed to be it. The end.
- Sophomore Year, February 8th 2010 -
The moment Kurt stepped through his font door his Dad appeared looking concerned "Kurt, any problems at school?" his eyes narrowed as he took his time looking him over, trying to see any noticeable changes to him. Which of course he wouldn't, well he'd choose not to notice. Kurt had been hiding these attacks for years and he wasn't about to start slacking now.
"No," he said with a half a smile. "Maybe they've decided to cut me some slack, I mean it must hurt when you end up punching cast" he said with a shrug earning himself a glare from his Dad. Kurt knew that his Dad didn't believe him, there was a cut on his lower arm that he hadn't been able to cover. Part of him hoped his Dad would want to notice it, yet he already knew he would look past it, tell himself he'd caught it on a tree or some lame story like that.
His Dad coughed and pulled his hat off, rubbing at his forehead like he always did in uncomfortable, emotional situations. "Go clean yourself up, take your medication and then you can sit in the kitchen and tell me how to make that soufflé desert thing you like so much" he said as lightly as he could, smiling as he did so.
Kurt couldn't help but smile at his Dad, he nodded with a smile "I'll be back down in a bit" he said making his way past his Dad while trying to figure out how to make his way up the stairs. He'd been sleeping in the spare, CARSON'S, room downstairs the past few weeks but now he wanted his room back.
"Come here" his Dad said with a smile picking him up and walking up the stairs with so much ease it looked as if he didn't weigh anything. Once he was set down at the top of the stairs he murmured a thank you as Burt turned away. "No problem, see you in a sec kid" he said with his back to him as he walked downstairs.
This is it Kurt, what do you want to say to him? Your last words. "Dad?" he called after him knowing he couldn't leave things like that. Burt turned at his words and that was all the response he needed, "I love you" he said with a sad smile hoping he wouldn't question his sudden burst of emotion.
Burt's eyes narrowed for the smallest fraction of a second before he replied "I love you too kid. You alright Kurt?" he asked sounding only mildly concerned. He nodded with a tight smile trying to hide the tears in his eyes. "Okay, see you in a minute alright?" he asked and when he didn't responded he asked again. "Alright?" he demanded a response and Kurt wondered if, on some level, his Dad knew that something was very, very wrong.
"I'll see you in a minute" he said smiling and hoping his Dad wouldn't pick up on the higher note to his voice, it always happened when he lied but hardly anyone knew him well enough to know. The only person who really knew that, wasn't here anymore. Satisfied, his Dad nodded before walking off towards the kitchen, humming some random song as he went.
The fact he wouldn't see his Dad again made him sad, but he knew that this would do him good. He wouldn't have to worry about something happening to his feminine son, wouldn't have to worry about being played with. Carson would come back for his funeral, he had no doubt about that and his death could bring them back together. Him dying would do more then him breathing would.
No one would miss him, his Dad would for a while but then Carson would come back and he'd be nothing but a hazy memory. McKinley wouldn't miss him, he had no friends, no one cared about him. No one would notice he was missing. It wouldn't be until his Dad would have to inform the school that they'd find out. No one would attend his funeral, maybe Mr Schue out of guilt, maybe even some of the Glee Club, but probably not.
Kurt knew that suicide was a cowards way out in some ways, or that was how people would see it. That wasn't the case though, he wasn't scared of his life. He was fed up with the constant bullying, the loneliness, having no friends and the fact that no one cared. If he had at least one of those things, suicide probably would never have crossed his mind. As it is, I have none of those and it's the only thing I can think about.
With a sad sigh he walked into his bedroom, closed the door behind him and headed straight towards his bedside drawer where he'd been stashing the painkillers, specifically for this reason. He pulled the water bottle out of his bag and poured all of the yellow and white tablets onto his bedside cabinet. Staring at the little pills he expected to be upset, scared even, but instead all he felt was hope.
In all honesty he wasn't sure how this was supposed to work. He'd done his research, he knew what pills were best to take but he was pretty sure that the ones he had would work just as well. He was pretty sure you were to take the pills and you'd just drift off. Nobody can take this away from me he thought holding a pill in his hand. I'm doing this for myself, and for the good of everyone else.
He knew there were side effects if you survived but the whole point of committing suicide was to not survive, so he wasn't too worried about it. He'd screwed up lots of things in his life, but he was pretty sure even he couldn't mess this up. His Dad finding him before any serious harm could be done didn't even cross his mind. His Dad wouldn't be worried enough to come up until twenty, thirty minutes later, and by then it would be too late.
The tears were streaming down his face as he glanced around his room. The room he'd lived in since he'd been born, a room that had changed and grown with him. He reached for the notepad in his bag and pulled out the suicide note he'd written last night before he went to bed. When he'd written it was just there incase he decided to end it, just a way of expressing himself.
It wasn't until he left his first day back at school that he realised his mind had been made up since he'd written the letter, he just didn't know that, not until now. It wasn't really a suicide note, more like a suicide letter. He couldn't let his Dad feel guilty, so he explained everything to him and kept repeating that it wasn't his fault.
He turned the envelope over in his hands before leaning forward and placing it in front of the photo frame by his bed. It was a picture of his family, a family that didn't exist anymore. A seven year old Kurt was on Carson's shoulder's while his parents were stood on either side of them, smiling happily. It was his favourite picture and he was more then happy for that to be the last thing he saw.
With a deep breath and a mouthful of water he started taking the pills. One, three, four, six, by the time he counted to ten he could already feel a haze settling over him. His last conscious thought was how everyone would be thanking him for this, then the pills took over and everything went dark.
-/-
As Kurt spoke, he spoke in a cold and detached voice as if he was telling the story of someone else's suicide attempt and not his own. It was the way he'd developed talking about it after he'd been let out of Hospital and was forced to go and see a shrink. There were no tears in his eyes, just weakness and failure, but when he looked to Blaine he could see the tear tracks on his cheeks and his heart sunk a little bit at doing that to him.
He wanted to apologise but knew that Blaine would call him stupid for apologising for nothing. So instead he put both of his hands on top of the one he already held and smiled at him. Blaine smiled, but only a tiny one in return. "Obviously I don't know what happened next but I was told that my Dad came up around ten minutes after leaving me at the bottom of the stairs" he nodded, swallowing. "My Dad was quick, and I was told I was extremely" he added extra emphasis to that word, knowing how lucky he was, "lucky."
"No one knew why but the pills reacted faster in my body then most other people, but if my Dad hadn't found me when he did, there isn't a doubt in my mind that I wouldn't be here." As harsh and as blunt as the words were, they were true. "There was literally a minute between me dying and surviving." He had hated his dad when he'd woken up and realised he wasn't dead, but now he would never be able to thank him enough for giving him this second chance.
He hated all this talking, he felt like he was back in counselling again but he know there wasn't anything Blaine could say right now. He was telling him this because he didn't know. All Blaine could do for him right now was just to be there and he was doing it perfectly, he couldn't imagine ever telling this story to anyone else. He smiled at the boy he was madly in love with for a second and was once again reminded of how much he actually owed his Dad.
"I was cooped up in Hospital for weeks," he said sounding bored, it had been a very frustrating time in his life. He already felt like a failure, and then he had to add failing to commit suicide to his list, he'd never felt worse. "I was very fortunate that I had no lasting damage. I was put on anti-depressants after that but that was as far as it went. The hospital did an amazing job in saving my life, but that didn't stop me hating them for it."
Kurt smiled, "did you know that Dad met Carole at the hospital?" he said glancing up at Blaine who still had tears in his eyes. He shook his head silently as he tried to reciprocate his smile. He nodded, "yeah. They met the day the staff pumped by stomach" he said with a sad smile. "I guess something good did come out of my suicide attempt after all." He looked to Blaine with a smile only to see Blaine smiling at him in return, it didn't reach his eyes and he knew that Blaine was only agreeing with him for the sake of it.
He pulled his hand away from Blaine's with a smile as he moved to put the kettle on and he wondered what the time was. "I was home schooled for the rest of the year then. Nothing was done about the jocks and everyone started looking at me like I was some sort of freak." He sighed as he turned around, leaning against the counter and facing the older boy, "I guess failing to commit suicide is a lot worse then committing suicide" he said more or less to himself. "I've never been more vulnerable in my life, everyone knew how I'd been feeling and I'd never looked more weak."
Blaine looked as if, for the first time since they'd moved into the kitchen, he was about to speak and protest against his words, but he didn't let him. "I guess I did get some good things out of it too though," he said with a small shrug and a forced smile for Blaine's sake.
"Like what?" Blaine asked with an audible gulp as he pulled a tissue from the tissue box and wiped at his eyes, not even trying to hide how harsh his tears had been flowing.
"I learnt that I had friends" he said with a small smile, his eyes never leaving Blaine's. "Once I was allowed visitors, other then my Dad, I was never left alone." He smiled at the memory of the first time he'd seen someone other then his Dad or the nurses. Rachel Berry was stood in front of the Glee Club, a bouquet of flowers in one hand, low-calorie chocolates in the other and a smile on her face. He'd never been more surprised in his life, well other then waking up after he thought he'd died.
"The Glee club came to visit me everyday" he said with a disbelieving chuckle. "Rachel bought me a portable DVD player and several of her Broadway DVD's, I'd never told anyone I liked musical's" he said looking at Blaine who was smiling slightly. "So I was so surprised when she turned up so unsuspecting with things that I loved. It turns out I did have friends, they did know me and they did care" he nodded to himself. "I was just too afraid to let anyone else see me."
Kurt and Blaine were too wrapped up in their conversation to have heard the front door opening and closing, they were too wrapped up to hear Carson shout their names just once. Then he caught sight of them through the fish tank, moving closer he could hear Kurt's words "there was literally a minute between my survival and my death." He heard the comments about wishing his big brother had been there, he'd heard the pain he'd been through but he hadn't been stood there long enough to hear why he'd been pushed to such extremes.
Obviously only hearing half a story was never a good idea as it gave people the wrong impression, but the only thought that stuck with him was that his baby brother needed him when he tried to kill himself, and he wasn't there. He knew times had changed and Kurt didn't hate him, but he hated himself. "I guess failing to commit suicide is a lot worse then committing suicide" he heard Kurt say through the kitchen door and he just had to get out.
How could Kurt talk so openly about such a dark part of his past. What puzzled him more was how could Blaine sit there and listen to it? He'd only been stood here for around twenty minutes and he'd already had enough. The tears were pooling in his eyes and before Kurt or Blaine could be made aware of his presence he grabbed his coat and headed to the nearest bar. He needed a drink.
Blaine looked at the young boy across from him, tears were still streaming down his own face as he realised the extent of what had happened to the boy he loved. Kurt was stood there, smiling and his eyes bright while he sat here trying to hold himself together. Literally a minute between Kurt's death or survival. Literally a minute between him spending the rest of his life with Kurt or never meeting him at all. It had been so close. That close.
He himself had been through his own bullying situations, but he'd never been alone. Yes he didn't have his family, Cooper had been there for him for a little while until he disappeared, but before Dalton he had two friends who made everything seem okay. They weren't with him now, god rest their souls, but they had been his life line. At least he had that, if he didn't have them, could he have been forced to take drastic measures like Kurt had?
Yes, there was that incident when I moved here and ended up in the Hospital for four days but by that time I had Carson, even Sebastian, I was never alone like that. "You know," Kurt said breaking through his thoughts and pulling his focus again, "I don't regret it, at all" he said looking at him with a smile. He smiled in return but had to wonder how he couldn't not regret it. Yes you can grow and learn from it, but attempting to take your own life, how does anyone come back from that?
Kurt must have seen the questions in his eyes and smiled at him fondly. "Blaine, I know trying to kill myself was a mistake" once again he winced at the bluntness of his words. It made his heart clench at the idea of not having Kurt now. "But I learnt from it, I found friends, I found myself," he laughed a little genuinely and he couldn't help but smile. If Kurt could look back at this moment of his life and laugh at certain aspects, who am I to stop him?
"And if I'm blunt about it," it's not like you've sugar coated anything else he thought fondly, "if I'd died that day. I wouldn't have got to live. I would have given into the bullies and wasted my life. I wouldn't have patched things up with Carson and my family and I wouldn't have-" Kurt seemed to hesitate over his next words and he had to wonder after the conversation they'd just had, technically were still having, why he was hesitating now.
Blaine hesitated but moved from his seat and made his way around the breakfast bar until he was stood in front of Kurt, taking both of his hands in his and asking gently, "you wouldn't have what?" He thought he knew what Kurt was going to say, and that was the reason for the smirk trying to force it's way out.
"If I hadn't tried to kill myself" he said staring directly into his eyes and Blaine could swear he could see Kurt's soul, his expressions and emotions were so clear in those steely grey eyes, they were beautiful. "I wouldn't be who I am now. Chances are I would've avoided Carson as long as was humanly possible" he couldn't help but laugh at that and he had to wonder what would've happened. "Don't get me wrong I didn't want to come now, but you know how there are a few pivotal moments in your life?" he asked with questioning eyes.
"A moment that happens that changes everything, something that had to happen in order for you to be who you were meant to be?" Blaine nodded being reminded of one in particular and he tried not to blanch at the memory. "That was it for me, that changed me and if none of that had happened" he said ducking his gaze and Blaine had to smile at the blush creeping up on his cheeks, "I wouldn't have met you" he shrugged glancing up at him from under his eyelashes.
Blaine knew those words were coming but he couldn't stop his face from flushing. "It seems, a little crazy I know, me saying something like that considering my past, but you're it for me" Kurt said, regaining his attention instantly and making him blush harder then ever. "I've always known you know, but if I hadn't tried to take my own life, I wouldn't have really tried in Glee club and I wouldn't have found my passion" Kurt said ever so truthfully.
He knew Kurt was blunt but his bluntness and forwardness of the evening was taking him by surprise. "Having a second chance at life made me want to make a difference, made me want to be heard and be seen. It made me want for bigger things," there was a pause. "Like New York" he said with a smile glancing out the window to the world, almost forgotten, outside.
"If it wasn't for that, I would never have made it here, made it to you" he said smiling softly and stepping a little bit closer taking him by surprise. Oh my Rowling. "My life would never have really started, not if I'd never made it to you" Kurt's tone was soft and vulnerable as he looked at him, almost scared, through his eye lashes.
Blaine felt suddenly, very overwhelmed at Kurt's words, I can't believe this is happening!? They'd been moving fast and even he had admitted to himself that Kurt was it for him, but not once had the thought of telling Kurt that now had crossed his mind. There was no way he could have ever imagined this conversation leading them to this, even if it was too soon for most people, for them it felt as if they were late. He was staring up at the boy he was so desperately in love with, with wide eyes and speechless.
His heart was racing while Kurt continued looking at him, obviously not expecting anything in return. His breathing continued to get harsher and he imagined this is what woman felt like when the men proposed, obviously this was nothing like that, but it freaking well feels like it, oh my- Blaine couldn't stop the smile on his face and he had to drop his eyes a moment, the intensity of Kurt's gaze overwhelming him making him lose his concentration. Wow, an IQ drop, it's like I'm back at school he thought with a shake of his head.
Looking back up at Kurt he decided that if he could be one hundred percent honest with him, then he could at least do the same. He stepped closer to Kurt, as close as he possibly could, he moved both hands to Kurt's waist and looked up at him and smiled. "I wish I could say my life started when I met you Kurt, but it didn't" he was so glad when he didn't see any sort of hurt in Kurt's face, just love and understanding.
Slowly, he moved his hands up the side of Kurt's frame, over his arms until they were settled around his neck, when Kurt reciprocated but wrapping his arms around his waist he could've sworn he'd never felt happier in his life. "My life might not have started with you Kurt," he said softly, allowing one of his hands to make it's way into the back of Kurt's un-styled hair, "but I know that it's going to end with you" he said smiling. "I just hope that that's enough," please be enough, it's all I've got.
Kurt's answering grin was enough to allow the worry of rejection to float right on by as if it had never been there. "It's more then I could have ever asked for" Kurt said in almost a whisper as he moved closer and closer until the last word was said against his lips. Then Kurt's lips were against his, his fingers digging into his waist and the pressure and urgency was enough to diminish any thoughts he'd had.
He knew maybe they should stop, finish the discussion they'd been having but he didn't want to. He was here, Kurt was here and most importantly they had both just stated that they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together. Together, forever! They had forever to finish that discussion, but the feelings and the need just to be closer to the other, the sheer want, they had that now.
Blaine knew he'd shed a tear or two and he felt embarrased about it, but when his hands found Kurt's cheek he realised he wasn't the only one. Pulling the boy even closer, not that it was really possible, he decided if they were laying everything on the line right now, there was one more thing he needed Kurt to hear. He'd almost said it before, but he needed Kurt to know how much he meant it, there was no doubt in his mind just how much.
He pulled back from Kurt only slightly, just enough so he could look in his eyes as he said it, his thumb wiping away the tears that were still travelling down the soft skin covering his cheek bone. "I love you." It came out a little breathless and a little needy but there wasn't any room for him to care as he repeated the words in his head, I love you, so much.
The light in Kurt's eyes and the smile that crossed his lips was enough to tell him that he wasn't alone. He didn't need Kurt to say it in return but when Kurt kissed him quickly before resting their foreheads together, "and I love you" he all but whispered. He was wrong earlier, this right here was the most happiest he had ever been in his entire life.
Kurt was looking at him as if he was the most important person in the world and he was pretty sure he was staring at Kurt the exact same way. "I love you Kurt" he said before he couldn't resist kissing him again. There was too much want and need running through his veins to keep them apart.
The kiss was soft and gentle to begin with, one telling the other how much they cared, how much they loved, and how strongly they felt. With the height of different emotions and the already unstable atmosphere it wasn't long until both of them got lost in the other, in the sheer need to have and to hold. He wasn't sure what Kurt was thinking, but the only thing going through his mind was that Kurt was here, still breathing, still alive, and all mine.
Kurt had one hand on the bare skin of his back, the other in his hair holding him close and he had never felt, happier, more safe or more loved in his entire life then he did in this moment. With one hand on Kurt's neck, the other on his heart as they shared their emotions through the pressure of lips and touch he felt as if he'd never been as close to Kurt, both physically and emotionally, then this very moment.
So, hi! Did you guys survive this update!? I hope so! As sad as it was to write, I've never really written anything like this so it was a nice change.
Kurt went through a lot here, there was a lot of angst but I topped it off with some fluff at the end and I hope you guys aren't too mad at me!
ONE SHOT: If you haven't already been left in a puddle of a mess, (like I was writing this) then maybe Kurt's suicide letter could turn you into one. Expect it to be up when I get back from my holiday's! :D
Read & Review!
Until next update,
Love Kaylee xx