Chapter 36-Reminiscing
Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any songs used.
Author's Note: I am blown away by the reviews in just the last 48 hours. For those that wrote the latest chapter was emotional, it was because I had a similar experience when I was 14. I moved, and I didn't get to say goodbye to my boyfriend, my sister, or my friends. I cried myself to sleep for months. I just wanted to give Thomas and Blaine the goodbye they deserved. The letter is a mixture of a letter I wrote to him after not being able to say goodbye, and another letter I wrote when I just turned 18. I was recently engaged, and my mother told me we were moving again. I wrote a letter to my fiancé, pouring out my heart, when I realized that I wasn't going through all that again. We got married 2 weeks later. We've been married for 15 years.
I remember thinking at 14 that when I was 18, I would move back To Missouri, and find my boyfriend that I had been forced to move away from, and we'd just pick up where we left off. It turns out, I did get to talk to him several years later, and we were both happily married. We didn't even get a chance to even talk about trying to have a long distance relationship, and it wouldn't have worked if we did. Basically, we had both changed, and life had its own plans. Apparently, I remembered all those things when writing this. I'm totally neglecting another one of stories right now while writing this, but my heart won't let me write anything else until this is done.
Thank you for all of the reviews. You guys are awesome. I do want to assure you that Klaine is endgame, but sticking with cannon and the timeline, it can't happen yet. Blaine and Kurt (especially Blaine) are not who they are in season 2 when they meet on the steps. Kurt hasn't had the worst of his bullying yet, especially from Dave, and Blaine, although able to be himself completely around Thomas, can't do it on his own yet. I want them to find out who they are first on their own before they find each other. Enter, the Warblers.
Thanks to my fabulous editor, who is truly awesome. She has really helped me slow down and focus on making the best story that I can. Thank you, DJ Eclipse.
Thomas, October 2, 2009
We had already been on Highway 30 for an hour when I finally just shut the radio off. We still had 2 hours to go and that was only if we drove solid and didn't stop for dinner. My phone buzzed and my heart began racing.
Blaine to Thomas: I owe you at least 5 texts, so this is number 2. Where are you guys?
Thomas to Blaine: Hey B! : ) Gosh, I miss you already. We are in Indiana right now.
Thomas to Blaine: Are you at Dalton?
Blaine to Thomas: Yes. I've already met my roommate.
Thomas to Blaine: Is he nice?
Thomas to Blaine: Is he cute?
Thomas to Blaine: Is he gay?
Blaine to Thomas: yes, yes, and no. He's really nice. He's funny. He's attractive, although he has the biggest lips I've ever seen. He's also incredibly straight.
Blaine to Thomas: : ( Is my Thomas already jealous! Don't be. You know I love your lips.
Thomas to Blaine: You haven't read the letter yet?
Blaine to Thomas: No, Cooper is with me still and I wanted to do it in private. But if you want me to do it now, I can try to find a private place. I should be unpacking, but I just grabbed the Ben Sherman sweater I wore the very first time we spoke, and I had to text you.
Thomas to Blaine: Oh, I remember your face when I told you that I saw you checking out Nathan. It was so funny. I really miss you, Blaine. Ugh! I never thought I'd miss Ohio.
Blaine to Thomas: Oh, come on. Ohio isn't that bad!
Thomas to Blaine: No, it isn't. It isn't at all, because even though there were narrow-minded, homophobic jerks, there were also people like Jenny, Eric, and of course, you, Blaine. It's not Ohio I miss. It's them and it's you.
Blaine to Thomas: Westerville won't be the same without you, T, but we need to change the subject or I'll have tears all over my phone again.
Thomas to Blaine: Sorry, B. Ugh! I'm already bumming you out.
Blaine to Thomas: No, no! I was already bummed out. Hearing from you has been the best part of this afternoon. I'd say the best part of the day, but nothing beats the kisses we shared earlier. Nothing!.
Blaine to Thomas: So I take it you haven't cracked and opened the CD yet.
Thomas to Blaine: Nope! You also told me to do it in private. I promise to call you when I do.
Blaine to Thomas: How big is the letter, though? The envelope was pretty thick.
Thomas to Blaine: Letters. There is more than one, babe. That's all I'm going to say. I love you, Blaine. I have to go. Mom wants to get a bite to eat.
Blaine to Thomas: : ( : ( : (
Thomas to Blaine: Quit pouting!
Blaine to Thomas: : ( : ( : ( : ( : ( : ( : ( : ( : ( : ( : ( : (
Thomas to Blaine: : *
Blaine to Thomas: What is that?
Thomas to Blaine: A kiss
Blaine to Thomas: : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : ) : )
Thomas to Blaine: I knew that would do it. Bye. I'll call you when we arrive, ok!
Blaine to Thomas: : * : * : * : * : * : * : * : * : *
Thomas to Blaine: Alright! You are getting carried away.
Blaine to Thomas: It's impossible to not get carried away when I kiss you.
Thomas to Blaine: We truly are the weirdest "best friends" ever
Thomas to Blaine: I love you!
Blaine to Thomas: I love you too!
Blaine, October 2, 2009 7 P.M.
"Whew! That's it, Coop! That is going to have to work for now."
"You're the one who had to get all of these pictures hanging perfect and symmetrical. I think it gives it personality to let it hang off center. It says something about a person."
"Yeah, it says: I'm lazy, and I don't want to use a leveler."
"Well, I don't have to use one. My eyes work perfectly."
"So explain to me why two of my frames are broken."
"The walls are crooked. Either that, or your dorm is possessed."
"Nice try, Coop!" I said, smacking him with a pillow. "Are you heading back home?"
"Yeah, but I'll be back down here tomorrow to pick you up. Are you going to be ok?"
"Yeah, I'm just going to catch up on some reading."
Cooper said goodbye a few minutes later. I picked up the envelope. Come on, Blaine. Stop being such a coward! Just open it. I finally mustered the courage to open it, and that's when I realized it was letters, drawings, and journal pages. Oh my gosh! There were instructions on each one: open when you get to Dalton, open when you need a pick me up, open me when you feel sad, ect. A part of me wanted to forgo sleep and read every last one, but I knew I shouldn't, so I grabbed the letter that said 'open when you get to Dalton'.
October 2, 2009
My Dearest Blaine,
If you are reading this, you are at Dalton and I am on my way to the windy city (unless I regained my strength and hijacked the car while mom stopped for gas or something.) There's that gorgeous smile. I wish I could see it. I might need it to brighten my day.
I know you probably weren't expecting more than one letter. I started one, and then I started thinking of the situations you might encounter at Dalton and how I longed to be there to comfort you, encourage you, hold you, and so yeah, all these letters happened. Some are not really letters. They are pieces of writing (some mine, some poems by Robert Frost, some song lyrics) which are all things I think of when I'm thinking of you. Open them when you feel like the moment arises, but please don't read them all right now. If you like the letters, I will continue to write to you. For now, use these letters when you need a friend, but I can't be there.
I want you to know that I'm proud of you. You are starting a new adventure. I know that you are nervous about starting over, as am I. However, this is an opportunity to show that true, genuine courage that you have deep down in your soul. You are so brave, Blaine. I admire that fire in you so much. Don't ever lose that.
Before I met you officially, I used to watch you in the crowd. I know, I sound creepy. I knew you were different. I knew you were hiding something, but I knew because I had done the same thing. I became a master of burying my true feelings deep inside and isolating myself from the rest of the world. You were doing the same thing. Basically, you were playing a role, and as a brilliant actor you had most people fooled. You weren't happy though, and that's the key. I'm going to quote one of my favorite authors, Theodore Geisel (Aka Dr. Seuss -stop laughing at me)
"Why fit in when you were born to stand out!"
Don't be afraid to be who you are, because who you are is amazing. I know it may be easier to fall in and blend in with the rest of those Dalton boys, but don't lose who you are inside in the process, because I love who you are. I encourage you to keep doing what you love. Don't stop singing and performing. I will make it to "The Wizard of Oz." Please do it. Play the role you were meant to play. I'll be there watching you, seeing only you.
I'm scared too, Blaine. The advice I'm giving you is the advice I'm giving myself because honestly, I'm afraid of blending in, of being nothing special. I won't be the only artist there, and with the shaking episodes, I'm not as confident and sure as I once was. I'm afraid of standing out for all the wrong reasons. I told you before that I never really had to come out of the closet because it was obvious; of course, partly because we were in Ohio. I was teased for being different and that's when I started building those walls up that guarded me so closely, until you came along and knocked them down without even trying. I guess what I'm afraid of is starting at zero again. I'm not really sure where to start. I don't want to go back to who I was, that isolated, lonely soul, that only spoke when spoken to, and even then, it was sassy comebacks and sarcasm.
You changed me, Blaine. Around you, I didn't care who else saw me. I was the me I really wanted to be. It didn't matter if we were alone or if there were hundreds of people. I only saw you. I think we discussed "Desert Places" by Robert Frost:
"They cannot scare me with their empty spaces
Between stars - on stars where no human race is.
I have it in me so much nearer home
To scare myself with my own desert places."
I once told you I wasn't really scared of what others could do to me, because my own thoughts about myself were much worse than those anyone else could think of me. Well, after you came along, those dark thoughts were replaced with acceptance, love, and confidence. I figured if someone as amazing as you could see past all of the flaws I saw in myself, and love me anyway, there had to be something worth loving.
I guess I want to do the same at the Academy; I just want to be myself and let my guard down. I want to be the Thomas that you see, because honestly, it was the only time I was ever truly happy. I was happier with you for one month in September than any other time in my life. I know to hold on to that happiness; I need to keep that same mentality. I'm going to quote Dr. Seuss again (Seriously, quit laughing)
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
I promise that while I'm here at the Academy, I will continue to be the Thomas that you loved, but I want you to do the same for me. Be the Blaine I fell in love with. Not the perfectly mannered, self conscious boy that pretended he had it all together, but the fun-loving, free spirited young man who wears his heart on his sleeve. I'm going to close this with the lyrics that I think were a turning point for us.
You don't have to feel like a wasted space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe a reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it's time you'll know
You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July
'Cause, baby, you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go, "Aah, aah, aah"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colours burst
Make 'em go, "Aah, aah, aah"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe
You are singing it now, aren't you? If you aren't, you should be. Go ahead. Imagine it; Picture us singing and dancing to that song. Better yet, call me and we'll sing it together. Yes, I said we. You with your amazing voice, and me, the singing ferret being attacked by an owl. I love that you brought me out of my shell. Thank you. I refuse to go back in. I'd continue, but you need to be making a phone call right now.
I love you,
Thomas
P.S. Seriously, why haven't you called me yet? We have a song to sing.
I picked up the phone and called him immediately. He picked it up on the second ring.
"Blaine, hello!"
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?
Thomas, October 2, 2009 7 P.M.
We finally made it to the apartment. Rodger already had everything settled. He and mom were catching up, so I went to my room. I started to unpack but then I remembered the cd. I could use some music to unpack to. I was hoping that Blaine would call; I hoped that he hadn't forgot my letters. I had put the Dalton letter on top.
I opened the cd case and a piece of paper fell out.
Thomas,
This is not a normal cd, but hey, we are two gay teens from Ohio. What's normal about us, right. I guess you could play it straight through if you wanted, but I'm hoping that you will go with me on this.
This is a collection of songs; some that I sang about you, some with you, and some that just make me think of you. I feel like each of them have a special meaning, and I hope I convey that before each song. Play them as the moment arises. If I left something out, call me, babe. I will always burst into a song at any given moment for you. I know I didn't include the titles on the label; I told you I'm not normal, but I know you already know that. Instead, I wrote a small description of when you should listen to each track. Track 1 should be played when you arrive in Chicago. The rest is on the label.
With all my love,
Blaine
I hurriedly opened the cd, and then I remembered that I hadn't unpacked the cd player yet. "Mom, do you have a cd player anywhere?" I called into the living room.
"In your room, darling."
There it was right on the nightstand. Duh! "Oh, sorry, I didn't even look."
She chuckled. "I heard Blaine say something about not listening to the cd in front of me. I figured that you would need it in a private place."
"Thanks mom," I called. I fumbled as I put the cd in the player.
"Hey Thomas! There's only one song I can think of singing to you as you start your new adventure in Chicago. If it's not 2 AM, call me and we can sing it together."
"Do you ever feel like a plastic bag Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?"
I was about to pick up the phone when it rang.
"Blaine, hello!"
"I read the letter."
"I played the cd."
"Well, then we have a song to sing, don't we," I said.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?
We sang the whole song, word for word, occasionally laughing and giggling.
"I swear, I can't believe we had the same song in mind," I said.
"I can. That's our song, Thomas. That's the song that made me realize 100 percent that I was in love with you and that I couldn't fight it anymore."
"Blaine, I love you!"
"Thomas, I love you too! Are you unpacked?"
"Nope, are you?"
"Not completely and I'm not going to right now. I have better things to do, such as talking to my best friend."
Sam, October 2, 2009 7:30
School has been so hard here. I have always struggled in school. I was diagnosed with dyslexia and my parents thought that they teachers would work with me more here at a private school, but the work is so much more challenging. I just finished a study session with Nick. I was exhausted. I was headed up to my room when I heard music. Then I realized that it was coming from my own room. Oh yeah, I had a roommate now, that liked Katy Perry obviously. But that wasn't Katy Perry singing; that was Blaine. I listened from outside the door, hearing the passion fly from his voice. I liked to sing too, but I didn't sound like that. I wasn't sure that anyone could. He was incredible. They were holding Warbler auditions next week and I didn't care what it took. I was going to get this boy to audition.
Author's Note: I hope you liked the first letter and song. I'm going to sneak in others throughout the next chapters. I really was overwhelmed by the wonderful reviews over the last chapter, and it inspired me to write this one. Thanks you guys. I'd love to hear if the letter/CD lived up to your expectations. Until next time, Thank you!