I took the road less traveled...
...AND IT HURT, MAN!
Sorry, I just had to share this... oh, yeah, please rate and review! I am also accepting OCs, but NOT Spartan-IIs, demons, fallen angels, and angels (sorry). Spartan-Is, the super-bada-s ones, however, are available.
Chapter 37
This story is kind of losing its... excitement. It was just a normal crossover story until I threw in Red vs. Blue and got introduced to anime. This entire story is a mess, but FEAR NOT! Order will be restored.
Nagato...
"...so what happens when Spork goes under his mental instability?" asked McLeod.
"Let's see..." Ellen looked through the manila folder. "...he loses control over himself and who knows what happens next. After a few days of instability, there is a 70% chance of cerebral hemorrhage, a 20% chance of heart attack, and a 9% chance of falling in a coma that he probably won't recover from. So there's a one percent chance of survival if you don't count the various things that can happen to him during the instability." McLeod, who was drinking his Scrumpy, tossed the bottle to his desk and gasped for air. The bottle smashed down on a copilot's computer, shorting it out.
"COME ON!" yelled the copilot. "I WAS HALFWAY THROUGH KILL LA KILL EPISODE 2!"
"Say what NOW?!" Ignoring the copilot, he snatched the manila folder from her, gazing through its contents. "Does the lad even know about this!?"
"No, not yet..."
Detroit...
The entire floor was drenched in blood and covered in a thick, dark red substance. Nobody could be found, and no noise was heard except for the rapid panting of Spork. "H-hello?" He walked around, accompanied only by the squelching noise of the blood he walked on. Is this what Passion of the Christ was like? He wondered, looking around for anybody. One operation room was filled with so much blood that all he could see was red through its transparent closed doors. For some reason, the ringing in his ears were getting louder. Much louder. In fact, Spork was positive they were ready to bleed at any moment. But if he listened closely, it wasn't ringing.
They were voices. Trillions of them.
"Make it stop... make it stop..." Spork clutched his head. The voices were unbearable now.
Make it stop...
Detroit...
"WHAT THE H-LL IS GOING ON WITH SPORK!?" Church shouted, motioning to Spork restrained on the bed.
"GODVERD-MNT!" Blu Medic threw his hands down on the table in fury. "HE IZ LOSING HIS MIND! Does he have a mental condition of any kind? Oh? What's that? YOU DON'T KNOW?! SO DO I! Dumkopf." he muttered, turning back to the desk. "Do you know vhat iz going on? NO!? SO DO I! NODOBY DOES! You want answers, go outside and ask them!" Blu Medic pointed to the door, reinforced by chairs, tables and heavy crates.
"Don't you think he's.. like... possessed?" suggested Grif. "Here, why don't we try compelling him."
Sarge looked at Grif and slapped him. "No, just because you watched The Exorcist, it doesn't make you a real priest. Plus, who knows if he's possessed! WHO THE H-LL CARES ANYMORE?!"
"I know what happened to him." said Isaac Clarke, observing Spork who was just waking up. "Maybe it's exposure to the-"
"No." Cortana interrupted. "I have his medical records here. It says... he has some sort of mental condition that has been with him since he was born. Huh... I never knew that... and neither has he. But that's not our only problem. We need to formulate a plan on just how we're getting out of here, find Chief and the others, then escape. Right now, Spork's mental condition is the least of our worries."
A loud CRASH on the door completely woke Spork up. "Heh..." he silently chuckled.
"Spork, I-" said Cortana, but was silenced when Spork snapped his head to the blue hologram in front of him.
"Who's Spork?" As soon as he heard this, Grif took a step back.
"YEP. POSSESSED. Any of you guys have a cross?" He questioned, but regretted his choice when Sarge smacked him again.
"Seriously? He is NOT possessed, dude." snapped William. "Cortana, may I see his medical records?" Cortana formed a holographic manila folder and handed it to William, who opened it. "Ah... I see... yeah, I need two sticks and a cross. We're going all Nonon Jakuzure on his arse now."
"That made no sense..." said Donut flatly, "...whatsoever..." William picked up 2 scalpels, taped them together to form a cross, and slowly approached Spork.
"Hey, may you please hand me that scalpel?" growled (formerly) Spork. He didn't sound like the person he was before at all, with a hint of death in his voice.
"The power... the power of Christ compels you?" William wondered if he did it correctly.
"HAND ME THE SCALPEL!" Roared Spork. "I CAN END THIS QUICKLY! I CAN END MY SUFFERING!"
"The power of Christ compels you!" shouted William once again.
"OH DOES IT?!"
"THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!"
"WELL, IT'S NOT VERY COMPELLING."
In a fury, William tossed the cross away. "There. Out of harm's way. Out of your mind."
"Hah, I'm not sure how much of a mind I have LEFT!" One of the restraints snapped. Instinctively, Femscout emerged from the corner of the room and punched Spork square in the nose, knocking him out cold.
"Ohman." Caboose woke up in the corner. "Whahoppent?"
Tucker answered, "For reasons unknown, the so-called 'director' of Detroit called a state of martial law and ordered everybody to evacuate. However, we never got the chance, because one of those purple things opened up, releasing these... things-"
"-They're called Necromorphs." said Isaac Clarke. "Scariest f—king things in the whole universe, right next to Yandere girls."
"-anyways," continued Tucker, "these 'Necromorphs' took over the whole city. We do not know where to go next, and the whereabouts of Frank."
In another part of Detroit...
"G-Guys?" Frank pushed a section of a billboard off of him and looked around. Upper Detroit looked like Godzilla had smashed everything; high rises were completely destroyed, creating a sea of rubble. There was so much blood you'd think you were in the Red Sea. "H-hello? Is anybody there?" Up to his knees in rubble and blood, Frank stumbled forwards and made his way to one of the buildings left standing. The sky was no longer black; it was now a blood red color, one color that Frank got used to in the operation room.
An explosion behind him threw Frank 10 meters into the air and down on a fresh corpse that was missing its face. Frank slowly got up with a bloody nose and turned around, fearing the worst. All he saw was a crater that had some purple substance clinging to it and rising off as a gas. Right smack-dab in the middle was what appeared to be a golden throne with the hilt of a sword sticking out of the back rest. Standing on the seat was...
Yodel ay hee hoo... Frank's pupils widened by 10 times at the sight in front sitting right in front of him. A pair of purple eyes he could stare into until time collapsed in on itself, dark purple hair that was waist-length (oh, THANK JESUS!), and a gold, purple, and pink princess dress/knight armor combination. On her head sat a purple butterfly hairpin thingy, and finally, the anime appearance. "I-I'm at a loss of words..." he mumbled as she looked up at him, removed the sword, and flew up until she was right in front of Frank. She's... impossibly beautiful for a 16-year old...
"H-hellAUGH!" Frank tried to say hello, but found the broadsword pressed up against his neck. "What's y-your name?"
"I have no such thing..."
"...well, hello!" Frank was exponentially increasing his confidence. "I am Frank DuFresne, and I have to say... you look verYEAUGH!" Blood trickled down his neck and stained his purple shirt.
"I think I know why you're here..." she guessed, "...to kill me?"
Frank scoffed. "Does it look like I want to kill you? Does it look like I can kill you? Of course I can't! I don't want to..." The girl pointed her broadsword and out of it flew a purple wave of energy, collapsing a skyscraper.
"No lies." Is this girl a spirit? Wondered Frank, holding his hands up in surrender. Huh... what's her name? Oh, yeah, Rias told me that I need to make her fall in love with me and kiss her to seal her powers. Let's see... OH I KNOW! I'll start off by complimenting her!
"Hey, did it hurt?"
"Did what hurt?"
"WWWhhhen you fell from HEAVEN?!" Frank nervously smiled, and was responded with a confused look from the girl, who tilted her head to the side.
"Duck." she ordered.
"W-what?" asked Frank. The girl picked up her broadsword, aimed it at his neck, and swung. Luckily for Frank, his augmentations were still intact. Even though he was a pacifist, he needed the speed, reflexes, and precision to assist others since he was a medic. Ducking the swing, Frank looked up to see the beauty instead decapitate one of the Necromorphs. It stumbled down a small hill of debris, only to get up slowly. Another Necromorph, its lower torso transformed into a sharp tail, got a broadsword stuffed up what was left of its anus, splitting its stomach open and releasing the organs over Frank's head.
"Run." she ordered.
"What? No!" Doc tried to pull her away from the decomposing douches, but she instead held her hand up. Above her formed a spacequake. YEP definitely a Spirit. Thought Frank. "H-hey! You don't have to do this! What are you thinking-"
"I will end their suffering." she responded coldly, showing no emotion.
"STOP!" shouted Frank for one of the first times in his life. "You'll only end up killing all of the survivors and yourself as well! Do you really know what those things can do?! Here, if you can create these... things... can you just form a shield or something?!" He was forcefully yanked by the ear closer to the girl, who formed a purple bubble field around the two. Fruitlessly swinging at the purple shield, the Necromorphs roared and tried to sink their teeth into Frank and the other delicious spirit.
"Who are you?" she demanded. "Are you here to-"
"No, no, no!" laughed Frank, holding up his hands. "I'm a medic. I do my best to prevent people from dying. Plus, I'm a pacifist. I don't think violence is the best way."
"You just said you have no intention to kill me. Are you just waiting for me to let down my guard so you can dispatch me easier?" asked the girl. Frank welled up a sneeze and stained his sleeve with blood from the absurdity in her questions.
"I'm not like that!" he frowned. "You see, you don't have to cause spacequakes here and there. Killing people is not a nice thing." Ok, understatement of forever. he thought. "It is an atrocious act, and I want to save you, Tohka! I want to show you there's much more to humanity! They're not just mindless organisms, they're amazing! And I want to show you just amazing we can be!"
"Sounds fair, but... why are you here?" she wondered, not tensing up as much. What should I call her... Tohka? Wondered Frank. Nah, Tohka doesn't really fit her. Neither does Asia. OH COME ON FRANK! Uh... anything but Tohka... hmm... Brittany? Nah. Sophia? NAH! How 'bout... Sarah? Yeah, Sarah fits her!
"Ok!" Frank stood up proudly and declared, "since you don't have a name, I will have the pleasure of choosing one for you. I dub thee... Sarah. You may rise."
Sarah pressed her fingers together. "I was thinking... Tohka." ...what. Frank felt like he was about to explode from confusion. ...just how. Oh, well! I may be a step closer to having a GF! Don't care if she's from anime, she looks hot enough! Sadly, his dreams were mutilated and thrown out the window, all beaten up. Why? Well, Frank could go ask Sarah/Tohka why the purple shield was suddenly fading.
"Uh, Tohka- I mean, Sarah?" Frank looked nervously around him. "W-what's going on?"
"...Frank-San, what's that?" Sarah/Tohka pointed up to the towering necromorph standing in front of the bubble shield. In one swing of its arms, the bubble dissapated, leaving Frank and Sarah/Tohka sitting ducks.
The hospital...
"Ok, here's the plan." reiterated Isaac Clarke. "We grab Spork and run for the nearest elevator. Hopefully, they still work. If they do, great; if they don't, we're fu-ked."
"Gee, zhat sure was inspiring." called Blu Medic from the table. He was attempting to rebuild his medigun with the help of Red Engineer. "We have no weapons to fight them with. Zhe chances of survival is 70%."
"Wait, 70%?" Isaac Clarke looked at what Blu Soldier was holding in his hands; a jury rigged fire hose attached to some gas tank on his back. Various pipes and wires were sticking out of the nozzle and dancing around the hose. "What's that? A flamethrower?"
"NEIN!" shouted Blu Medic, running up to the barricaded door. "WHO IZ NOT READY?!"
"Um... all of us?" guessed Grif. Blu Medic facepalmed and groaned through his fingers. "Ooh, I wonder how a freaking fire hose-fire extinguisher thingy is going to help us. What's that? You found no fire axes? Well, we might as well just stay here and give up. But it's ok. We did out best. Nobody could possibly expect more from us."
Once again, William smacked Grif. "No. We will find a way to distract them."
"DISTRACT MY A-S!" complained Grif. Blu Medic and Blu Heavy successfully pushed the barricades out of the sliding door's way. "I DIDN'T EVEN SIGN UP-" William was driven mad by his incessant rants, so he silenced him with a Falcon Punch in the nose, KO'ing Grif. The door slid open, casting the orange light in the dark and bloodstained hallway. Cautiously looking at both sides of the hallway, Blu Medic could not see any movement. He motioned for the others to follow him out into the hallway.
Unluckily, Grif yawned loudly. Screeches in the hallway pervaded through the entire hospital.
"GODVERD-MNT! PICK UP ZHE PACE!" ordered Blu Medic, rounding the corner. Standing right there, smashing two corpses together, was a 9-foot tall Ubermorph; the things were freakin' impossible to kill, no matter what you tried to do to them. The only ways to legitimately end them was to crush them by two walls closing in on it, dip it in lava, throw it to the sun, nuke it, or dismember it and scatter the parts a few meters away.
"I think there's an elevator at the end of the hallway." advised Cortana, but was responded by the squelches of running feet. Blu Heavy was dragging Grif along the floor, while Church and Tucker hurriedly rushed Spork, who was on a stretcher. At the front was Femscout, who outran everybody and was the first to reach the elevator. It was on the first floor, and the Ubermorph found them in the hallway.
Suddenly, a door slid down in front of the group. Red Spy poked his head through the window and smiled as the Ubermorph approached him. "Well, it appears my time has come."
"RED SPY OPEN THIS DOOR NOW!" ordered Blu Soldier. "I AM NOT LEAVING YOU BEHIND!"
"Shut up, American." Red Spy took out a cigarette and lit it. "My leg is still injured. It would've slowed down the group already, and this should buy you some time." Reaching inside his rec tuxedo, he pulled out a photo of Scout's mother.
"YOU SHUT UP AND OPEN THIS DOOR!" Blu Soldier hurriedly looked around for the door's controls as the elevator doors opened. "WE CAN HEAL IT!"
"Nope." uttered Red Spy, smiling as the Ubermorph walked up to him. Looking at the picture in his hands, he closed his eyes.
Ah, ma petite chou-fleur
The window was splattered with a dark red substance as the Ubermorph growled and swung its arms down. Sickening splashing noises broke the silence as Isaac Clarke pulled Blu Soldier inside. Femscout was hyperventilating, Red Engie removed his goggles to show eyes of fear, and Blu Heavy just stared at the wall. "We're going to the top floor. That way we can see more of the city and plan our escape route."
"Dude, let it go already." snapped Church. "We won't be able to go on if you keep mourning that guy. We can do that later."
"How can ye say somethin' like that to th' person who saved out lives?" Sniffed Demoman, drinking a bottle of whiskey he stole before sh-t hit the fan. "Even though he was a sneaky b-stard, we all miss him already..." The elevator dinged, revealing the deserted roof of the building. Blu Medic walked out to observe upper Detroit. Apparently, half of it gave way and fell all the way down, demolishing most of lower Detroit.
"Quite dystopian for America, no?" remarked Blu Medic. "So, 'Isaac Clarke', vhere do we head next?"
"Going down the 'little', well, not little," Isaac Clarke pointed to upper Detroit's "floor" that was slanted down, "ramp we have over there would be impossible, because of how steep it is. Hmmm... if we try-"
"Can't do anything." said an unknown voice behind the group. "Unless we make it to the side of Detroit and use one of the elevators, we're pretty much screwed." Instantly, the group turned around to face who was looking at them.
"WHO THE H-LL ARE YOU!" yelled Isaac Clarke, picking up a brick and using his "kinesis" module to kinesis-toss it at the man's feet, where it shattered to dust.
"Nah, who the h-ll are YOU!" insisted the man, taking out a FAMAS-FN F2000 hybrid rifle and aiming it at Isaac Clarke as he used kinesis to pick up another brick off of the wall.
"I ASKED YOU FIRST!" Isaac Clarke aimed the brick at his head. If he launched it, this man would have a gigantic hole in his face. "TELL ME WHO YOU ARE OR THE GIANT HOLE IN YOU HEAD WILL!" Everybody else cautiously walked away from the two, steadying their aim on each other.
Fortunately, the man lowered his rifle. "Adam Jensen." Aiming it back at Isaac, he demanded, "now tell me your name or the 20 spikes sticking out of your chest will." Through Caboose's eyes, Sheila managed to scan the rifle AJ was holding. To be concise, the rifle wasn't a normal one; it fired flechettes, or spikes. That meant it was a freaking automatic spike launcher. It was loaded similarly to a P-90, except that the rifle's entire top receiver lifted up to reveal the place where you inserted the magazine. "And why are you here, huh? Who are all these people?"
"Calm your tits, dude." scoffed Tucker under his breath.
"I am Isaac Clarke. I'm an engineer."
"And would you explain why an engineer would be wearing police armor?"
"No... this isn't police armor. This is an Advanced-variant RIG that helps me in... engineering." Actually, the Advanced RIG was one to be worn by special forces for maximum protection and speed whilst reducing weight and effort it took to move around in it.
"Why are you here?"
"Uh... we're trying to get out of here, so right now we're planning an escape route." explained Church. "Do you, by any chance, know the way out of here that doesn't get us f—ked?"
"Yeah, 'cause I want to see the ending of Kill La Kill." added Tucker. "I'm just starting it."
"Huhwha?" Grif slowly woke up and noticed the back of his hair was drenched in blood "Wahoppent?"
"Well, you see..." said Simmons, "we're trying to get out of here. We didn't find the others yet."
"Did you say something about Kill La Kill?" he asked. "Oh, yeah I want to see the ending as well!"
Tucker flatly stared at Grif. "You only want to watch it because of chicks fighting each other with oversized scissors, right?"
"Not only that, Nonon Jakuzure and Satsuki Kiryuin." added Grif. As soon as the words Nonon Jakuzure reached Spork's ears, he woke up. "I think her English voice actor is a kajillion times better than the Japanese one. It sounds... kind of nasal and makes her seem like an 80 year old woman on a 16 year old girl's body."
"DITTO DUDE!" they both high-fived each other. "KILL LA KILL FOR THE WIN!" Donut nodded in agreement. "Although I wish it was actually real. Meeting Nonon in person would make my day, you know?"
Cortana spoke, "Considering how many universes there are, it's not surprising if it actually existed." The words were music to their ears, except maybe for Spork.
"I AM NOT SPORK!" He screamed, and got knocked out by a punch in the nose from Femscout (...seriously, I am not lying. The only reason I have interest in Kill La Kill is because of Nonon Jakuzure and her theme).
"What's up with that bloke?" asked Red Sniper, pointing to Spork.
"Mental illness." explained Sheila. "We do not know why he's like this, though."
"LADS?! Oh thank god!" McLeod's voice broke out in Church's transmitter, who turned his speakers up for all to hear. "I cannae believe it, finally, a secure line! I have t' warn you; Spork has a terrible mental condition. Th' chances of him surviving and being the person he was is astronomical. I dinnae-" it suddenly cut off, leaving the group silent.
"Mother of god..." Isaac Clarke looked at Spork. "...what do we do?"
"We can strike a deal with him, if he even wants to listen to us." suggested Cortana. "Also, I sense the presence of another AI here-"
"Deal?" scoffed William. "Look at Spork." Just then, Spork slowly opened his eyes and yawned.
"Oh, man, what's with this headache?" he winced as he tried to rub his head. "Huh? What's going on? Why are we on the roof!? Why did you restrain me?!"
"Long story." cut in Simmons. "Why didn't you tell us about your mental condition?"
What mental condition? Wondered Spork.
Come on, Spork. You know.
"Who said that?" asked Spork. Everybody looked at him suspiciously.
"Said what?" asked Donut.
Spork reiterated, "Who said 'Come on Spork, you know'?"
"None of us did." said Cortana. "Are you hallucinating?" Meanwhile, Isaac Clarke, Blu Soldier, and AJ were forming an escape route.
"So..." Blu Soldier danced his finger around the city, forming an intricate escape plan. "We circle the city and find a way to access lower Detroit, then we get out of here."
"No." insisted Isaac Clarke. "Detroit is a mess. All of Detroit. In fact, lower Detroit is hell."
"I know who created all of this." suddenly spoke up AJ. "Who started these so called 'spacequakes'."
In another part of Detroit...
"Sarah, RUN!" cried Doc. Sarah/Tohka stood up, still wearing her poker face, and swung her sword down its body. For a second, the Ubermorph stood there, just staring at Frank. All of a sudden, it grotesquely split in half lengthwise and revealing what was left of its human organs. The brain crept out like wet oats through its eye sockets and out of its head that was essentially a giant mouth surrounded by 5 eyes. Taking Frank by the hand, Sarah/Tohka flew away from the scene and landed in a deserted district of Detroit; a street surrounded on both sides by tall buildings.
"W-why don't we get to know each other better? You know, so we don't have suspicious about each other?" suggested Frank. "We can go explore, and hopefully, we don't get attacked."
"...hmm... I still don't trust you completely yet... but I guess its worth a try." shrugged Sarah/Tohka. "But try to do harm me, and I will kill you. Understand?"
Frank quickly nodded. "H-hey, look at this!" He walked over to a concession stand. Since there was no time to run away and gather supplies, most of the food was still there. Detroit was a ghost city, good news for Tohka and Frank. No bandits would go and try to rob them, and no annoying telemarketers. "Why don't we try some of the food?"
"What's this?" Sarah/Tohka (Ugh... I'll call her by both names, then) asked, pointing through the hardlight window display and at a crescent-shaped...
"Oh, that's a croissant!" Frank slid the concession stand's hardlight door away and picked up the croissant. "It's chocolate-flaked... scrumptious." he handed it to Tohka, who suspiciously took a bite from it. As she munched it with her mouth closed (you should, too), she looked at Frank with a satisfied face.
"From now on, I declare my lunch to be this chocolate croissant." grinned Tohka, shoving the whole thing in her mouth and swallowing it whole in one second.
"You can't have just that for lunch." pointed out Frank. "We still have a bunch of other things to do and eat as well. See? There's a Vietnamese Cuisine restaurant up ahead!"
Later...
So far on the "date", Tohka and Frank visited 4 restaurants, but she was the only one who ate. 4 fried chickens, 6 hamburgers, 6 bowls of Miso Ramen, 4 whole tunas, 10 apples, 3 gallons of assorted drinks, and much more food was what Tohka congested, yet she wasn't showing any signs of obesity, stomach aches, and bad breath. "There food is SO D-MN GOOD!" she exclaimed, covering her mouth as she spoke with a mouth full of food. Frank had prepared all of the food she ate so far, but it wasn't like he was complaining or anything. In fact, he was enjoying it. Every single part of it.
Frank picked up a holographic map of Detroit he found, scanning through it. "Hey, look, there's an aquarium here! Why don't we visit it next?"
"What's an aquarium?"
"Oh, yeah, I forgot. You're new to human lifestyle, right?"
Sarah nodded. "I just came into existence minutes ago." Frank nearly spat his glass of water all over Tohka.
"Say what?"
"I just sort of... opened my eyes, and here I was."
Frank closed his eyes and shook his head. "You just... popped out of nowhere?"
"Yes. I believe so."
"Anyways..." Frank nervously looked around for any Necromorphs. "...an aquarium is basically an exhibition of various sea life. Mainly fish-"
"What kind?" Tohka immediately perked up in excitement, smiling as she wiped her mouth. "Salt fried?"
"Uh-"
"Grilled? Pan fried? BAKED!?" Her mouth watered as if somebody blew up the dam holding back her salive being generated by her saliva glands.
Frank facepalmed. "You're just listing ways to cook them! An aquarium just displays sea life that is alive, so you can get a view of how life under the sea is like." Standing up and wiping his mouth, he opened the door for Tohka. "LLLlllladies first." Tohka walked through and was immediately pounced on by an extremely thin Necromorph. It was basically a skeleton with muscle, razor-sharp claws, and a mouth wide enough to fit her head in. Tohka took out her broadsword and chopped its head off, splashing blood all over the walls.
"D-MN YOU!" shouted Tohka in fury, kicking the corpse strong enough to dismember it. Frank cautiously stood back as Tohka picked it up and threw it at a wall, where it splattered to a sticky, crimson paste. "Baka, baka."
"Eh... why don't we get goin' now?" suggested Frank, chuckling uncertainly. Tohka piped up and walked alongside him, down the road as the red sun set down the horizon.
Somewhere else...
Spork was having the weirdest dream of his life.
For some reason, he kept randomly drifting off to sleep and having gruesome dreams. This one, however, wasn't gruesome at all.
"Spork-Kuuuuunnnnn..." Kurumi sang. Spork turned his head around so hard it nearly flew off of his head. "Look what I found..." As soon as Spork saw the object she was holding in her hands, he flew back 20 meters in surprise and it the wall. Turning around, he tried to claw his way through it, ignoring his bleeding fingers. I'M ONLY 15! STAHP! Spork screamed in his mind. He even considered smashing his head against the wall, so he could see what she was actually holding.
Nope. T'was real.
Spork literally smashed his helmet off of his face and threw up blood all over the floor. Ok, maybe he was overreacting a bit. But it was who he was. In Kurumi's hands was a white stick.
With a red plus sign on it.
"Ara ara... can you believe we're parents now?" she giggled. Spork nearly gouged his eyes out. The only reason he was freaking out because he wouldn't know what to tell his parents first: that he was actually still alive (when he was kidnapped by the UNSC, he was presumed dead), or that they were now grandparents. Wait, WHAT DID SHE SAY!? DID I SAY I'M ONLY 15!? WHAT THE FUUU- All of a sudden, a folding chair rose out of the ground and smacked Spork square in the face.
"...DUDE! WAKE THE H-LL UP!" Waking up with blood gushing from his nose, Spork slowly opened his eyes once again.
Meanwhile...
"Spork's claymore is cursed."
"Wait, what? Did you say... it was cursed? Is it, like, sentient?"
"...are you deaf, or just plain stupid? Yes, I said Spork's claymore is cursed, and YES, it is sentient."
"...so... so what?"
"When it is cursed and he touches it... that means he LOSES IT, FOOL!"
"Ok, ok, jeez! No need to get your tits in a tie! So... so you're saying... whenever he touches that one thousand year old claymore that, for some reason, still works-"
"-BECAUSE IT'S CURSED! Whenever a sword is cursed, it has infinite durability."
"-as I was saying, so whenever he touches that claymore, he goes insane again? How come he keeps saying he isn't Spork, then?"
"He doesn't go insane. He's possessed whenever he touches it, so he is no longer Spork. Mentally speaking, of course. He is a completely different person. We just don't know who it is yet. Most likely, it's a dead person. We can use this to a severe advantage!"
"Like when he's forced to hand over his weapons, he can touch his claymore and go all apesh-t on them!"
"For once, you actually had a good idea."
"..."
"What?"
"...there's a catch, isn't there?"
"Well, of course. The catch is that the claymore is the only weapon he can use. It's just that whoever is possessing him prefers to use it for reasons unknown to us."
"How do you know all of this, anyways?"
"DON'T QUESTION YOUR SUPERIOR, SUBORDINATE! Anyways, just for a little proof of everything I just said, I'm going to... spice this up a little bit. Just watch and learn, young one. Just watch... and learn. Heh... I'm going to have fun with this."
Meanwhile...
"This is bu-hu-hullsh-t!" whined Tucker, leaning against the wall. "I want to go home! Why is this happening?!"
"What insane bull crap is going to happen next!?" complained 1337, hitting his head on the floor. Suddenly, Blu Soldier slapped the back of 1337's head. "Hey, dude! What the heck was that for-"
"BE QUIET!" Barked Blu Soldier. "We just met each other. H-ll, we may never get to know each other very well. But what matters... is that we PERSIST! We can't give up! Not just yet! It's never over... 'TILL IT'S OVAH!" A miniature, purple vortex erupted behind Blu Soldier, sending him smacking into Adam Jensen. The physics of time and space were ignored by this horse-size phenomena as a person walked through it...
Spork spat out a long stream of blood in surprise from what he laid his very eyes on. "MMPPPHHHTTTT!" He choked out, smacking himself in the face to ensure he wasn't hallucinating. "N-Nui Harame! GUYS! DONUT! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS!?" Blood streaming from his nose, eyes, mouth, and ears, he grabbed Donut and started shaking him. "THE PROPHECIES ARE TRUE! KILL LA KILLIS REAL! IT ACTUALLY EXISTS! That means... NONON! Nonon Jakuzure, where are you!?"
Tucker leapt up and smacked Spork. "NO, ignoramus! Don't you remember!? She tried to kill Ryuko!" Shaking Spork as he shook Donut, Tucker clarified, "WHY ELSE WOULD SHE BE HERE!?"
"Cosplay?" suggested Grif. Nui revealed what she was hiding behind her back; the purple rubber and plastic handle twirled around her hands as she danced around, twirling the purple blade in the air as the sunlight flickered off of its metal blade. Spork, Tucker, Grif, and Donut all stumbled back in fear. Grif pointed a lone finger at Nui and screamed, "YYYEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH!" Tucker leaned over the edge of the roof and threw up the last meal he ate, coughing out the last drops of regurgitation.
"Wait, where's Ryoku?" Spork looked around him frantically. "She owned Nui, correct? Or was that Satsuki?! Come on, WHERE ARE YOU!? We need you, dude! I mean... dudet! Uh, guys, do we have any weapons?" Adam Jensen raised his rifle and popped a cap in Nui's behind (well, not literally), then popped 19 more. Isaac Clarke used his kinesis to pick up 5 bricks and shove it down her throat, but to no avail. "Oh, yeah, guys..." warned Spork, "...I forgot to tell you, she's really good with that thing."
"Now, GET US OUT OF HERE!" screeched Grif, shaking Isaac Clarke as Nui approached Spork. In a few seconds, his head was most likely going to be rolling on the floor like a bowling ball.
Demoman, however, still had a certain claymore he picked up in the hallway, straight from the hands of a mutilated and decomposed mall ninja. Throwing it straight at Nui, trying to stab her, the handle clocked Spork right in his nose and KO'ed him once again, giving him a bloody nose. However, he slowly opened his eyes and got up, clutching the claymore. "Hey... HEY! Snap outta it, lad! I dinnae recall you being drunk-" protested Demoman, but was silenced when Spork held up his hand, still facing Nui.
"What's her name..." William tried to remember. "...oh, yeah, AKENO! Where the h-ll is Akeno!?"
"Akeno will not be necessary." said Spork. For some reason, he sounded different as he held his claymore with both hands, his left hand below his right hand as he positioned the large sword on his right, the same way one would hold a katana. "So, Nui, you want to take me on?"
"Hai!" was her response.
Spork evilly smiled. "HhhhhhhHHHHHALRIGHT, B-TCH! YOU ASKED FOR IT!"
"Spork-" Caboose tried to say something, but was cut off.
"FOR THE LAST TIME, I'M NOT SPORK, G-DD-MNIT!"
"...you go first!" insisted Nui.
"No, I insist." grinned whoever this person was, then bowed. "After you."
Shiela asked a question. "What do you prefer to be called, then?"
"...from this day forwards..." he pointed his claymore at Nui. "...you shall refer to me... AS KNIGHT! 700! FOON!"
…...
Tucker and Grif looked at each other, then bust out laughing uncontrollably. Kight-700 Foon? So is he, like, the opposite of Spartan-007 Spork or something?! "Or... you may call me Frederick. That's my real name. Unlike Spork... I am much better at wielding this nice sword. Oh, yeah... don't expect Spork to be back anytime soon." declared Foon. Grif's eyes broke from widening in surprise as he spat out a long stream of blood from his mouth and nose.
"Wasn't Spork's dead twin... Frederick?" asked Stratos for closure.
"EhemBULLSH-Tehem." coughed Stratos. "..I mean, how is that possible? Your dead twin is your freaking evil self!? Complete and utter BULLSH-T! I am positive that if all of this was a story, it would suck."
"No, it would rock! And I prefer swordfights with music." Smiled Foon, waving his claymore in the air. "YOU! Isaac Clarke, correct? Does that suit of yours play music? Would you kindly please play the William Overture Finale? The LONE RANGER ONE?! And not the Quentin Tarantino one?" Isaac Clarke started tapping the holographic buttons on his wrist console, and music started blurting from it. It wasn't William Overture Finale: it was some random pop song.
"My bad." said Isaac Clarke, tapping madly on his wrist console, and when Nui was distracted, used the same hand to kinesis toss a brick straight at her face, which she effortlessly dodged. "Alright, here you go. Good luck and GET US OUT OF HERE!."
"I'll hold her off while you fellows escape! Oh, yeah, I'll catch up later." Foon took his claymore and swung it at Nui as if it was one of those fencing swords. "Come at me, Nui-Chan! If Ryuko can't kill you, I'll save her time and effort by killing you! EN GARDE, B-TCH!" He lunged at Nui, and walked her to the edge of the building as they swung at each other with one hand. Nui was smiling the whole time casually, but Foon was trying to intimidate her with his rape grin.
"We have to help him-" protested Femscout, but was grabbed by the wrist by Blu Soldier, who opened the elevator door and led everybody inside. Fortunately, it was pretty large; large enough to fit everybody with room to spare. Isaac Clarke took the speaker off of his armor plating and left it on the floor as Foon swung at Nui 5 times per second, then 10 times, 15 times, and finally, 20 times per second, which is pretty fast. The elevator doors closed just as Grif slipped through, and with a ding, the elevator zoomed down.
"Well, I recall in the anime, you weren't this quiet." Foon easily ducked a scissor blade swing by the crazed girl. "Parry, parry, thrust, thrust, goooooooOOOOOOD!" He exclaimed, parrying twice, thrusting twice, and finishing it off with a barrage of swings, showering Nui and Foon in sparks. Both hands of the claymore were grabbed as Foon swung down, attempting to split her in half like a banana split, then watch as her banana-colored hair spread across the floor with her blood. Nui evaded it with ease, but not fast enough. "GOTCHA, MOTHERF-CKER!" screamed Foon as the large sword cleaved right through her right shoulder, dismembering her right arm. Claymores are, like, for decapitating freaking horses and cut right through the thickest bone, tendons, muscles, and rip through flesh, so it looked like Nui's arm was blown off by a mine as blood splattered out of it like a fire hose. "No doctor will sew you after you get hit by this baby." The claymore's sharp blade had tasted the blood of Nui, and it wanted more. "So, do you want to die of blood loss or die a quick and painful way?" Foon menacingly raised his claymore, ready to bring it down on her neck at any moment.
"Ara, ara." Nui grabbed her purple scissor blade and thrust it through Foon before he had the time to react. Blood was thrown out of his mouth and splattered all over Nui as she smiled happily, ignoring her missing right arm. "No, I think I should be asking you that question. She walked up, driving the blade deeper through Foon's chest. "You shoul-"
BLAM
Brains were splattered all over Foon's face as Nui's head imploded on itself like a supernova. Her eyes flew up into the air, and the blood blocked out the sun for a little bit. Slumping to the floor in a slowly expanding pool of blood, missing sections of her head and neck, Foon looked to the left, on top of the elevator building to see who was standing there. "Heh... too late, darling..." Foon bent over and vomited blood all over Nui's corpse like there was no tomorrow, then slumped to the floor, fainting of blood loss.
"I'll be taking this." announced Kurumi, tossing the claymore over the edge of the building. "And I shall see you later, Spork-Kun." She disappeared with a gust of wind, leaving Foon alone to die.
Meanwhile...
Ding!
"Seriously, who brings 3 assault rifles with them!?" whispered Isaac Clarke to Adam Jensen, who put a fresh clip in his flechette rifle. The lobby was literally crawling with hundreds of necromorphs, yet they were all unaware of their presence. Reloading his plasma cutter, Isaac Clarke looked at AJ, who handed a flechette rifle to Caboose and Grif.
"Remember, fellows..." warned Adam Jensen. "...no Russian."
"Wait, why?" asked Grif.
"NO RUSSIAN, GODD-MNIT!" shushed Adam Jensen. "Don't speak Russian; police operatives have been given the order to shoot all Russians (for some reason), dead or alive, and 'no rushin'."
Grif nodded and accidentally whispered, "Da."
"SSHHHH!" chastised Caboose loudly. "NO RUSSIAN!" The necromorphs all turned their head to the elevator full of fresh meat. Adam Jensen cursed under his breath, unleashing the torrent of metal spikes from his flechette rifle. Grif followed a same action, while Isaac Clarke gave support fire by using his kinesis toss to throw the bladed arms at any approaching necromorphs. Caboose was going rambo; his flechette rifle had a foregrip and an extended, 100 round mag, so he held it near his hip and let loose.
"Caboose, you idiot." facepalmed Simmons.
Meanwhile... 5 floors above the lobby...
A solid titanium-a quarantine door exploded and smashed through the wall while it was still crackling with electricity. Into the hallway stepped Akeno, a solid spear of lightning in both hands, ready to go flying through the air like eagles on meth at a moment's notice. "Ok... the hallway's void of activity. What's your codename again?"
"...Master Chief. Or John-117. Spartan-117 is also a suitable name."
"Ok, Master Chief, right behind me." said Akeno. I wonder how Tucker would respond. as she cautiously walked out into the hallway, followed by Master Chief and Rias. "Here's the plan; we head for the elevator. Are we all here? Roll call?"
"Yep, we're all here." said Agent Washington. He, too, was 16, along with 1337. "The Arbiter's here, but the others are not, including that one girl. What's her name again...? Oh, well. It's good to see you and your friends are, though."
"Be quiet." snapped Xenovia, hand on her blue and gold broadsword. "They can perceive our every move, so we have to stay under their radar. We will move like the zephyr." She was the last to move out of the bloody operation room they were trapped in. "The others must be nearby." 1337 accidentally stepped on a fresh corpse, sending a squelch through the hallway. In the distance, roars of hunger were heard. Rias hurled a crimson bolt of destruction in the same direction, and after a deafening boom, all was silent.
"What the h-ll?" Akeno reached the elevator, to find they were all at the same level and open, with flickering lights that displayed the blood-coated interiors of the elevators. "Ara ara, you can never seem to trust elevators, can you?" A necromorph in the left elevator lunged out but was evaporated when Akeno hurled a ball of lightning at it. All of the commotion alerted all of the necromorphs in the same level, proven by the sound of breaking vents in the hallways. "C'mon, guys, HAUL IT!" She ordered, literally shoving Soap in as the elevator doors closed. Asia accidentally slipped on a puddle of blood and smashed her head on the floor, KO'ing her instantly.
"That... wasclose..." panted Soap. Before the infestation, Soap was in the middle of an operation, so all they could do was remove the shrapnel and hastily staple him back up. As a result, he was in unreal amounts of pain. All of a sudden, the elevator's ventilation shaft shattered as a necromorph swung down from the ceiling and stabbed Soap square in the middle of the chest. Kiba avenged him by chopping the undead ucler in two, and finishing it off with a stomp as the elevator's interior was painted with more blood.
"ASIA! Asia-Chan, wake up!" pleaded Haruhi, shaking Asia as if she was a monkey on acid. Blood was showered everywhere like an automatic sprinkler system as Soap slumped to the floor, obviously dead before he fell face fist on the floor. "S-Soap-San?"
"Yeah... about that..." nervously said Agent Washington, "...we barely knew him, but he sure as heck was a great babysitter. You should be proud of him, Haruhi." His last words were drowned out by sobs equivalent to those of a banshee, and it scared the living tar out of him as if you woke up in the middle of the night to see SUICIDE SQUIDWARD STANDING IN YOUR DOORWAY.
Only a few minutes had passed, and they were losing their friends as fast as the 21st US Government gained debt.
In another part of Detroit...
"Frank-San, what's this?" Tohka pressed her face up to the glass display of an arcade, with machines ranging from a claw-grabber thing to one of those extremely advanced virtual reality machines that had Counter-Strike: Triple Threat on it.
"Uh... that's an arcade! Want to try it out?" Frank cautiously walked inside and accidentally stepped on a head, crushing it instantaneously. "Eugh! Ugh, ew! Jeez, I just got this shoe from the hospital!" He held open the door and kicked the head aside as Sarah ran inside and stared at one of the claw grabbers, right at one of its prizes; a 4-foot long bread plushy. Luckily for Frank, he found a wallet in the dismembered torso of a corpse, but it had only one quarter. "Ok, Sarah, we have only one shot at this. I'll control the claw, and when I say now, I want you to mash this button, ok?"
"Ok!" Tohka nodded, eyes still on the bread plushy as she moved her fingers over the red button. Frank inserted a quarter, and luckily, its speaker's wires were all cut, so no noise was made as Frank controlled the claw.
"MASH IT! MASH IT NOW!" shouted Frank, hoping that this wasn't one of the rigged machines. Tohka pressed the button, and the claw lowered, firmly grabbed the plushy, but malfunctioned and went straight for the window. The claw smashed through the pane of glass and into Frank, knocking his glasses off and giving him a heartwarming gift; a genuine, one-of-a-kind bloody nose. Luckily, they had the bread plushy now. Tohka picked it up and started rolling on the floor, hugging and attempting to bite it at the same time. "Ow... Sarah... we did it... ough..." Plugging his nose with his thumb and index finger, Doc slowly stood up. "High five!"
Sarah stood up and tilted her head. "What's that?"
"Ehh... slap my hand." clarified Frank. Tohka was unusually powerful as she was pretty; Frank's hand was broken after the high-5 commenced. "Owowowoowowowowowooooooow!" he cried, cradling his hand. "OOOOOWWWWWWW! Oh, man, Tohka- er... Sarah, I don't think anybody would want to mess with you.. OUGH!" Tohka just picked up her bread plushy and pulled Frank outside by the collar.
"Frank-San, this is so much fun!" She smiled madly. "Where's the aquarium again- oh, wait, what? What's that?" Frank nearly fell over the 400-story cliff, but luckily, Sarah held onto his purple and white shirt while digging her feet into the floor. "Where's the aquarium?"
Frank fell back on his behind, but ignored the pain shooting up his back as he looked down the ledge. It appeared as if the aquarium had fallen along with half of Detroit. Glass was everywhere, and there was so much blood you would think Michael Buble cried himself a river... of blood. There was a giant blue whale, barely alive as it attempted to inhale and exhale. "Ho my gosh! Uh... Sarah... it appears as if the aquarium... crashed...?" The whale let out a bloodcurdling wail of pain, its last one. Instead of water, its intestines, organs, and blood spouted out of its blowhole as necromorphs converged in on it. Fresh meat, carloads of it, was available. Tohka had no reaction at all, but Frank scrambled back, yelping out in surprise.
The sun was setting, leaving Sarah and Frank alone on the ledge as they looked out into the distance for a few minutes.
"So... uh... that was fun." shrugged Doc, out of things to say.
Sarah looked at him nervously, then at the floor as she pushed her index fingers together. "I liked it... what do humans call this again?" Huh, I thought you are one too. Remarked Doc in his mind. What are you again... oh, yeah, a Spirit! In the form of a human, so I have the right to call you a human. "Uh, Frank-San?"
"Huh? What?" A robber pulled him into an alley, right out of memory lane and beat the sense back into him, then force fed it to him. "Oh, yeah! We call this... a... date...?" Nervousness was spreading through his mind like cancer on meth.
"...and how do you finish off a date?" she asked.
"We didn't do much, really. Oh, yeah, dates are finished off by a..." Frank looked into the sunset and sighed, wondering how Sarah was going to react. "...uh... a...
…...kiss..."
Tohka tilted her head, confusingly. "How do you kiss somebody?" Frank threw up a little blood in his mouth, purely from anxiety. Never before in his life has he been so close to a girl, other than his mother and sisters. His face turned beet red (mine would be as red as blood, and I would probably faint).
"...well, you look at each other in the eyes and, uh, press your... lips... against each others'-" An invisible force pulled Frank straight to Sarah, nearly tripping over a section of concrete. The next 15 seconds of Frank's life were no doubt his best. H-her lips... THEY'RE LIKE MARSHMALLOWS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!
"Mmh... ah..." These sounds emitted by Sarah were driving Frank crazy. "Haah... hahh..." (Seriously, why do women have to moan when they're kissed? In movies? I see a TREND!)
THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!
Meanwhile...
"See?!TOLD YA SO! That claymore is friggin' cursed!"
"...ok... so?"
"SO HE'S SCREWED! That girl had to throw it over the edge. She HAD to!"
"Frank, c'mon! There's a hotel over there! Just lead Tohka in, find a room, and-"
SMACK
"THE H-LL WAS THAT FOR!?"
"I will not tolerate pervertedness."
"HEY! A guy has his needs-"
SMASH
"Well, control those needs! Shove 'em in a can and screw it shut, duct-tape it, staple it, lock it up and incinerate the key! Next, throw it in a safe and destroy the key! Throw it in another safe, and lock that one up. After that, encase it in cement and concrete, and lock it up with an over 9000-character password, anti-everything BANK VAULT!"
"Frank's so lucky!"
"SHUT THE H-LL UP! They have hotter at HQ-"
"Nnnno they don't! The receptionist is fat, the nurses are fat, YOU are fat-
BLAM
"The h-ll did ya say? Say that again. I dare you, I double dare you, you mother f-ker, say that again one more godd-mn time. SAYIT! SAY IT!" A rolly chair was thrown out the window. "SAY MOTHERF—KING IT! Oh, you are DEAD. Not big surprise. A-shole..."
However...
"Nice shot." Tucker observed a necromorph with a spike through each of its eyes. "Church couldn'tOW!"
"What did you say!?" hissed Church, holding his ear.
Grif seemed calm. "Ok, now, GET US OUT OF HERE!" he screamed, kicking open the lobby's doors and running through them. Behind him, the other elevator opened with a ding, followed by its doors flying off with a touch of electricity. Bending down, Grif picked up a shiny penny while a razor-sharp door grazed his hair.
"Ara ara- the h-ll?" Akeno accidentally stepped into a corpse, squelching blood all over her high-top shoe.
"Oh, thank GOD you're still alive!" Stratos ran up to Akeno and hugged her tightly. "Hey, Chief! What's up!? Don't feel good without your armor? Can't hack it with that... operation gown? Hey, I have an idea! Why don't we all go raid A&F- HEY, where the H-LL is SPORK!? He said he was going to catch up, right!? SPORK! Oh, Spooooork! SPORK! Where the f—k are you!?"
"16 year olds shouldn't know such vulgar language." facepalmed Master Chief. Isaac Clarke ran up to him and shared a PewDiePie brofist. "Isaac Clarke. Good to see you're still in one piece. Where's Steve and Doc? And most importantly, where is Cortana? Samus? The others-"
"Listen, Chief, I have no idea. But please listen. If you haven't noticed already, we need to move. NOW." Isaac Clarke turned around to leave but ran straight into Issei, giving him a bloody nose. "Whoops, sorry dude. HEY! EVERYBODY! We need to move, NOW!" Rias was grabbed behind by a decomposing hand from a necromorph, hiding the other half of its body in the elevator as it closed its doors. She freed herself with ease from its grasp and kicked its head through the two closing doors, squishing it like a grape.
"Prez! Oh my gosh, PREZ! Are you all right!?" cried Issei, brushing the dead flakes of skin belonging to the arm off of her shoulder.
"Yes, thank you, Issei-Kun." all of a sudden, the ventilation shaft right next to Rias exploded as a thin necromorph tried to drag its other arm through the hole.
"HO SH-T!" Isaac Clarke shoved Rias and Issei out of the way, then picked up the ventilation cover and smashed it at the necromorph's head. It went right through its skull, giving it a new necklace. Koneko, who was standing next to a window, picked up Simmons and threw him out, then picked up Haruhi and jumped through the opening. William and Donut both ran out the door, succeeded by Xenovia and Kiba. Rias, with the help of her destructive powers, blew a hole in the wall as Issei jumped through , left, right, behind, above, and even below were pouring out of the vents, trying to claw at anybody who ran by.
"CABOOSE! Hurry UP! We don't have forever, you know!" yelled 1337, kicking back a necromorph in the face.
"I can't." was his reply. For some reason, it sounded... gurgly.
"YES, YOU CAN!" 1337 turned around to face Caboose, but was frozen when he saw the bladed arm poking through his chest. Blood was dripping out of his mouth and the wound.
"CABOOSE!" screamed Nicole.