it is 2 a.m, and this time i really won't be revising until later today, so if there are major errors, please ignore. i'll try to write this weekend since i kinda wanna be a recluse and take a break from life.

enjoy =]

Chapter Thirty-Five: Self-Destruction

Annie POV

My head hurts. It throbs. It's also hard to breathe. Each inhale painfully stretches my skin over protruding ribs. Each exhale further cracks my lips. Somebody saved me. They had no right to. But they did. Maybe if I'd gone undiscovered for a few more days…well, that's not the case anymore. I'm here. In a strange home. Lying on a standing bed. Surrounded by brightly glowing candles. There's also a sharp pain in my arm.

Very painfully, I turn my head and look at my left arm. Nestled in my vein is a sharp needle attached to a hanging bag of liquid. Is it poison? If they wanted to kill me, they should have left me where I was. So they're not trying to kill me. They're filling me with fluids. When was the last time I drank water? I can't remember. I don't remember much. Everything seems so far away. Even the bed I'm laying on. It's touching my skin, but it feels surreal. It feels as if my soul is inside my body, but not connected. None of this feels like mine. Not the limbs, torso, hair. None of it.

The inside of my mouth is parched. As the air filters in, it causes a mild pain in my throat. Does my body finally match the way my mind feels? It must. I've never felt so physically broken and worn out. Deteriorated is the better word. I am wasting away. Or I was. Until someone intruded on what should have been my choice. Why won't they let me go? Don't they know that living is impossible?

It's so impossible. Too impossible. Completely and utterly impossible.

I only realize I'm crying when strong, smooth fingers wipe tears from my face. And it feels as if there's nothing but a thin paper separating my cheekbone from those beautiful fingertips. It's such a wonderful feeling to have him touch me again, and I can almost grab onto a reason to live. This will of life stays with me as Finnick stares into my eyes and I see unbearable sadness within his pained sea green. His lips are parted, and resting on the very edge are the unformed tormented questions.

This is what I am doing to my beautiful boy. Destroying and breaking him. Making him suffer as he sees how far I've come to nearly letting myself die. The unshaven facial hair lets me know Finnick's had no energy to upkeep his usual hairless complexion. All the tangles and knots in his usual unruly yet composed, but now unkempt hair shows me the stress he's been enduring. Deep dark circles tell me that Finnick has barely gotten any sleep, if he's slept at all. Why does he keep staying? Doesn't he know I'm trying to give him an out?

"Annie," Finnick breathes in a hollow whisper, "Annie, Annie, what were you thinking? Do you not know how many people care about you? How much we love you?" My heart stills upon hearing we. "You promised to keep fighting. And I know it's hard, I can't imagine what you're going through, but you promised." He urgently whispers. "You promised."

I don't expect myself to speak, but very softly I beg. "Take the out Finnick. Please. Just take it."

Confusion floods Finnick's face, and his eyebrows pull together. "The out? What are you talking about?"

"I know I'm broken. It's all jumbled up in here." I try to explain. "All the things I thought I knew, they're missing. Only bits and pieces." Now I'm getting confused. "It's not whole. I mean, my thoughts flow, but the words don't." I squeeze my eyes shut as I attempt to figure out what I am trying to say. "I'm broken." Okay, repetitive, but it's in the right direction. "You don't need to do this to yourself. Coming to my rescue. I'm trying to give you an out, so take it. Move on."

Very slowly the confusion is replaced with a look of recall, and then wondering realization. Finnick places a hand on the side of my head, and stares intently into my eyes. "Kenin, he knows more than he lets on, doesn't he? On the train, he said I shouldn't listen to you because you were saying things you didn't mean. I thought he didn't understand, but I'm the one who didn't, aren't I? What you're doing now, what you have been doing, is pushing me away, so you can give me an out." I'm getting confused, but I think I understand. "Do you really hold me accountable Annie, or are you lying to give me a way out so I don't have to be at your side every moment?"

"Take it Finnick." I whisper. "I'm not her anymore. Can't you see that?"

"Of course I see that Annie." Finnick says. "Nobody comes out the same. But how could you think I'd stop loving you because of that?"

I shake my head. "It's not that. I know you do. But it's not fair for you to love me while I'm like this."

Finnick shakes his head in utter disagreement, and firmly but gently presses his lips to mine. It's like a jolt of energy passes from our lips all the way into my heart giving it a kick-start. I feel the ferocity of his kiss, and the urgency of Finnick's need for me to understand that he loves me no matter what. Whole and broken. There and not there. Sane and insane. Beautiful and bedraggled. Functional and dysfunctional.

No matter what.

He holds my fragile face in his hands, his facial hair lightly stroking my skin, and he only pulls back when I've felt everything he wanted me to. Finnick's nose is inches from mine, and he adamantly whispers. "No matter how you are, you are still everything that I love. You are still the girl I fell in love with. I love you Annie Cresta, and I am never leaving you again. No matter what you say. I am yours forever."

All the hurtful things I want to say, all the lies I want to tell Finnick so he'll leave me for good, are at the tip of my tongue, but he shakes his head. "Unless you tell me you hate me, I am staying by your side—always." He leans forward and presses his forehead to mine. "So, do you hate me Annie Cresta?"

The connection and love we've always had consumes me, and breaks my will to keep him away despite how selfish it is. I slowly shake my head from side to side. "No Finnick Odair, I love you."

Finnick POV

Very gently my lips move with Annie's until I hear a little cough. Instinctively my head snaps in the direction of the cough, and I see the healer standing next to an extremely pissed Yurol. She is fuming and the room instantly fills with tension. The healer uncomfortably coughs into his hand again before stepping our way. "It's a good sign you're awake and active Miss Cresta. For several days it was a little touch and go. But that doesn't seem to be a problem anymore."

Despite her malnutritioned state, Annie manages to slightly blush. She tries to lift her upper body, but the healer immediately eases her back down. "No, no. You need to rest. Any form of exertion may possibly be too much for your heart to handle at this point. And that includes kissing."

My face grows warm because Yurol looks like she wants to murder me on the spot; she probably would if the healer wasn't here. He doesn't seem to notice. The healer looks at the IV drip, and nods. "Very good. A few more days, and you can return home. We should be in the clear now, but I want us to be cautious. Do you have any questions?"

Annie feebly shakes her head.

The healer nods again, eyes Yurol and I, and hurriedly leaves. Once he's closed the door, Yurol attacks. Thankfully it's not with a slap though. "While I appreciate everything you have done Finnick," she thinks, "well almost everything, it doesn't mean you can just waltz back in to Annie's life. It was nice of you to stay here while she recovered, but I think it's time you left."

I don't know what to say to this because Yurol has every right to hate me, but I love Annie and she loves me. But then Annie softly speaks up. "Please Yurol, leave it alone. I want him to stay."

Yurol eyes me, and walks over to Annie. She crouches at the table-bed, and gently wraps her hands around Annie's. "You can't mean that. After everything he has put you through. I know you love him, but Annie. You volunteered because he was seeing other girls. He's still seeing other girls. It's all over the screens."

"I know." Annie slowly says. "I know. And I know you don't understand, but I love him. I need him."

Yurol's body stiffens, and I can hear tears in her voice. "You're better than this Annie. You deserve so much more than a guy who sleeps around while he's with you."

"I love him." Annie sadly replies again.

The anger quickly resumes, and Yurol stands up. She faces me. "Are you going to stop sleeping around?"

I try to swallow the guilt. Yurol has no way of knowing that it's mandatory for me to sleep around, all she sees is the golden boy who's caused her best friend to fall in love with him while he whores around with a parade of Capitol women. Yurol has broken off her relationship with Cameron because he was the one who brought my sleeping around to light which sent Annie into this downwards spiraling mess of self-destruction. She has given up so much for Annie, and all she sees is that Annie wants to stay with the guy who brought upon all this misery, and I still will not be faithful to Annie.

Very quietly I answer. "It's not that simple."

Yurol's jaw drops. "You're going to sleep around after everything you have put her through? You can't bring yourself to be faithful to my best friend whose life you've destroyed? Whose forgiveness and acceptance you don't deserve?" She begins to scream. "It's very simple Finnick! You stop screwing every girl who crosses your path and be faithful to Annie! She shouldn't be taking you back, and she is! Yet you can't promise to not be a whore!"

"Stop it!" Annie cries. "Please stop it!" She reaches out and takes Yurol's hand. "There's a lot you don't understand, but I love him, so please, I am begging you, leave it alone."

Angrily, Yurol yanks her hand from Annie's. "You're damn right I don't understand. He doesn't love you, Annie. If he did, he would be faithful to you. What happened between the first time you saw him on screens with that girl until now? What's changed your mind about being with him?" Yurol leans over the bed, and pleads. "Tell me what is going on."

Annie sadly whispers. "I can't."

Yurol begins to cry, and steps away. "Then I can't watch you do this to yourself. I won't." She breathes in deeply, sobs shaking her chest. "Until you see him for what he is, I can't be here for you."

Yurol exits the room not even bothering to throw me a hateful glare. On the bed, Annie begins to cry, and I pull a chair up next to her. "Annie," and I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I see her falling apart all over again at the thought of losing her sister, "maybe Yurol's right. Do we really belong together? She's your family, and she has every right to not understand."

"I don't want to lose you." Annie cries.

"I don't want you to lose your family." I whisper.

This makes Annie sob even harder, and I wrap my hands around hers pressing my lips to her flesh. Are we kidding ourselves? Can we actually dream about living a happy life together? Everything I do destroys her life. At least when I'm involved. It would hurt her for me to be gone, but it would bring an end to all the tragedies. She survived the games, and now her family would know to never leave her alone. I'm the only destructive thing left. We keep trying and trying to be together, but the result is always the same. More pain just comes with our unity. It's insanity we expect anything else.

Maybe this is how it's supposed to end. When everything is out in the open and we know we love each other. It can end on good terms, just wrong everything else. Wrong place, wrong time, wrong world. And there has also just been too much pain left in the wake of our love. There's no denying that. I've brought down Annie and the ones she loves. I think it's time we put aside our selfishness and finally stopped denying what's been in front of us this whole time.

Annie speaks up breaking my thoughts. "You're thinking about it too, aren't you?"

I kiss her hand. "I'd do anything to change it."

She sighs. "After everything we've been through."

"I know." I softly breathe.

Her hand pulls from mine, and her fingers stroke my stubble. "I can't do this to Yurol. Not after what I put her through. Her and Cameron. My games."

"I know."

"If she only knew what I do." Annie painfully says.

"But she can't." I reply.

Annie nods. "I know."

I press my face into Annie's palm. "I'll always be here for you."

She feebly smiles. "We just can't be together."

"Yes." I finally admit and feel my heart completely tear.

"Yes." Annie echoes.

I lean forward, and very lightly press my lips to hers. It's not even a kiss really. More of so we can have this one last physical contact—purely emotional rather than sensual. When our lips pull away, I whisper. "I love you Annie Cresta. I always will. No matter what."

"I'll always be in love with you Finnick Odair." She strokes my cheek. "I love you so much my beautiful boy."

I kiss her cheek. "My silly girl."

We hold onto each other because this will be our final last—we're both finally on the same page; this, us, can continue no longer. Not at the expense of Annie sacrificing her relationship with Yurol. I can't allow her to do that, and Annie can't bring herself to do so. This is how it has to be. Yurol will never understand, no one will, only the victors. Because this is the life of a victor. Very seldom chances at happiness. And even then, those chances are not truly yours. They are at the mercy of the Capitol.

I hold onto Annie's hand until she falls asleep again, exhausted from this entire ordeal, and then I gently lay her hand on the table. She gently mumbles when I remove my hand, but she doesn't wake up. I quietly leave the healer's home, and see Yurol outside leaning against the wall, crying into her hands. She looks up at me, but there's so much defeat, there isn't even room for hatred.

Very quietly I tell her. "You were right. I don't deserve her."

Yurol stifles a few sob, and unsteadily asks. "What does that mean?"

I breathe in slowly allowing the pain to consume me. "I can't be the one for her. I can never give her what she deserves." And I feel the anger begin to rise. "We're over. We're done. I'll never be with her again."

Before Yurol can say anything, before she can gloat or make a comment, I walk away. I walk away from the life I would have given Annie. The one where she would have loss her sister, the one where she would never get married, the one where she would never raise children of her own, the life where Annie would have eventually died alone knowing she would never really be mine, and I hers. That is the life I walk away from giving her. And I am so angry that that is the only life I had to offer because I would have liked to think my love for Annie would have been able to give her so much more than loneliness and emptiness.

Annie POV

My pointer and middle finger walk across my belly and use each rib as a step. They walk over the small lump of my returning breast, and onto my clavicle. Then they turn back and walk the way they came from. They step onto my hipbone and look at the view. White walls, dressers, a mirror, a few of Yurol's personal pocessions. She's at the Shack, Kenin is somewhere, Joa is in his room, and I just showered but decided to stay undressed for the moment and to lie down on Yurol's bed. I've been sleeping in her room for the past few days or week or weeks, I'm not really sure about the time.

A knock on the door. "Annie?" It's Joa. Checking on me to make sure I'm not doing anything reckless.

My fingers jump off from my hip and disappear into rejoining the others. I sit up and say. "I'm fine."

"Come out when you're dressed." He replies. "We're supposed to meet everyone in an hour."

I get off the bed, and dig through the dresser until I find some clothes I like. The white long sleeved shirt and black pants. As I pull his shirt over my head, I see my reflection in the mirror. I'm still really thin, but I've gained some weight at least. My ribs aren't so visible, and you can see less of my spine. The shirt is too loose though, and I roll the sleeves halfway up my upper arm. But I don't have to tie the pants' extra fabric into a knot anymore. Now I just have to continuously pull them up every once in awhile. The mark of the Capitol stares back at me, and I tie my hair into a sloppy bun. My long bangs hang along the side of my face outlining my features. There's still a sadness to my expression, but it's less noticeable. At least, I believe it is.

When I open the door, I see Joa standing at the stairs. He asks. "Ready?"

I nod and walk down with him. "I'm not going to do anything."

He sighs. "I believe you. But I still worry."

"I know." I tell him.

Joa closes the house door behind us, and locks it. As he does that, I look at the neighborhood. Mags' house is directly across, mines is next to hers, and across from mines is Finnick's, and next to his is Kenin's. Joa comes up to my side. "Have you seen him since the healer?"

I bite my lower lip before saying. "No. I haven't." I don't move from the porch. "How long has it been?"

"A little over two weeks." Joa replies.

Two? That long? Time seems to have lost its meaning on me. "How long since my game?"

"About two and a half months."

"Today is Kenin's birthday." I state. I've known this for a while, but I guess it kept slipping from my mind. Now that I think about it, I didn't know where Joa and I were going when I was in Yurol's room. But now it comes to me. We're going to the beach for Four's celebration. "He'll be there, won't he?"

Joa nods. "Maybe. Kenin invited him."

I softly say. "That's good. That's good. He needs a friend."

"You still love him." Joa states.

"Yes." I reply with less pain than before. "Yes I do."

Joa is about to say something, but the sound of a door opening to our left stops him. We both turn and see Kenin come out of Finnick's house, followed by my beautiful boy who locks the door. He turns his head, and stops at the sight of me. It's a lot to take in—seeing each other for the first time since he left. All the old wounds split open and the pain is fresher than ever. It's hurts to breathe, to think, to be. Everything just hurts.

Finally I inhale stretching my lungs with a great deal of pain. This breath of air doesn't make it easier, but it's enough to have me continue living. I stare at Finnick's face which looks so incredibly tormented and distraught. He presses his lips together and I watch his chest slowly inflate. This motion makes me feel the pain he feels. I know how it is. We both do. Our entire being aches with the longing of what can never be. What will never be. All these dreams and desires, so uselessly yearned for. They're just fantasies.

I slowly swallow, and take a step down from the porch, keeping my eyes on Finnick the entire time. His bronze hair is slightly longer, falling into his sad sea green eyes, almost like a curtain to hide what lurks beneath. A tightly defined jawline tells me he's clenching his teeth. There's no facial hair, so I know he's been trying to deal with our situation as best he can. But the light circles beneath Finnick's eyes show me it hasn't been easy. Sleepless nights, no doubt filled with nightmares. I kept the nightmares away for him, Yurol keeps them away for me, no one keeps them away for him now.

Finnick walks down his porch and then towards me. We stop in front of each other. Nothing but unspoken words pass between us. He would be reaching out to stroke my cheek, and I would be stepping forward to press my body against his. My head would eventually rest against his chest, and he would have rested his left hand in my hair. I'd be breathing in his scent which I can smell from here, and it's so intoxicating because it's unique to the only guy I've ever loved. I would breathe it in all day, if I could. And then I would have looked up into Finnick's eyes, and he would have leaned down to give me an endearing kiss. Our I love you would be exchanged and nothing in the world could have stopped our happiness. Nothing.

Except, everything has stopped us.

It was the Capitols interference, then my reaping, then Joln's beheading, then me breaking, then almost dying, then Yurol. We were at our last hurdle, and that's the only one we couldn't get over. No matter how much I love Finnick, I couldn't forsake Yurol into feeling she needed to let me go, and I know Finnick wouldn't let that happen. It's why I love him. He understands when no one should. He was my lover, and I chose my sister over him. We both know I did. Even if neither of us have said it. I can't imagine the love, but resent he must feel at my decision. But that's what makes him so great. He would never ask me to sacrifice that much of my life.

So, I love him.

Finnick slightly tilts his head and I read the I love you in the green. But instead, he softly says. "Hey."

I find my voice and reply just as softly. "Hey."

Silence.

One second.

Two seconds.

Three seconds.

Four seconds.

He lets out a long sigh, and attempts to smile. "You look good. I've never seen you with your hair up in Four."

Finnick has seen my hair up in the Capitol, but he's right. Never in Four. I reach up and touch my bun. "Thanks. I uh," I've almost always been honest with him, "didn't brush it."

Very softly he chuckles since that's not normally something you would say, but it's also the truth. "I won't tell anyone."

I smile. "I know."

We don't say anything, and we fall silent again. There's so much to tell the other person, but all of it we can't. I mean, what would it do? We still can't be together. He still belongs to the Capitol. I'm still rather broken. Nothing about our situation is different. Nothing will change this endless cycle of separation. Our lives have split apart, but have remained stuck from that point.

Somebody says. "We need to get going."

Both Finnick and I turn to see Kenin and Joa standing a few yards away. I'd forgotten they were here. Kenin must have spoken because the voice sounded older. In front of me, Finnick nods. "Okay."

Kenin and Joa look at Finnick and I before walking away to let the two of us hang back out of ear's reach if we talk softly. While we walk out of the Victors' Village, Finnick doesn't say anything, and neither do I. It feels so sad to be walking next to the guy I love when everything I want to say would only hurt us more. We walk past a few homes, and near the edge of the shops. How many times did we walk this route on our way to the Victors' Village, or to the Shack?

We're on our way to Kenin's birthday. Kenin is seventeen. I'll be nineteen later. Kenin's birthday is today. Finnick's birthday is before Kenin's. Finnick is twenty. I look at Finnick. "What did you do for your birthday?"

He turns his head. "My birthday." I nod. Finnick presses his lips together and runs a hand through his hair. "I uh, spent it with you."

I'm confused. We didn't celebrate his birthday. We've been apart since I returned to Four, and our only time together was at the healer's. "Why don't I remember this?"

"Annie," Finnick quietly says, "we were at the healer's."

It hits me. Finnick spent his birthday worrying about whether I would die or not. "Finnick…"

"Don't worry about it." He tries to assure me. "You were okay. That's all I wanted."

"Did you do anything at all to celebrate it?" I ask almost pleadingly because I hate knowing that's how he spent his birthday.

In the very familiar Finnick-Odair-way, he shrugs his shoulders. "I never really celebrated my birthday. It's okay." He nudges my arm because tears have begun to fill my eyes. "I wouldn't have been good company anyway. You saved Mags from an awkward evening of me sitting on the couch ignoring her attempts to have a conversation."

I laugh and wipe away the tears. "I'm sure she would have understood."

Finnick smiles and nods. "Yeah. She's very patient."

"I'm glad you have her." I quietly tell him.

"Me too." He says.

We're near the beach now—less homes and saltier air. It's near the end of our short road. Yurol will be infuriated if she sees me talking to Finnick, and it's not good for the both of us to spend too much time together. It only makes the want hurt more. But I'm not ready to part from him just yet.

I push my bangs to the side behind my ear. "Everyone keeps looking out for me, making sure that I don't let go. And I know they're just worried, they have every right to be. But I wish they'd stop. I see the pity and doubt in their eyes." Finnick is facing me, intently listening to every word. "And all I want is for them to not look at me that way."

"Have you told them this?" He quietly asks.

I face Finnick, and give a fake one-breath-laugh. "Finnick, nobody's going to listen to the girl who went crazy after her ex-lover got beheaded because she volunteered after being with a guy who everyone thinks wasn't faithful by choice."

He gives the same fake laugh. "No, I suppose not." His eyes flicker to the side, then back at me. "Between you and me, I don't think you're crazy. I think you're disturbed after watching your ex get killed for trying to help you since you thought I was cheating on you, which I am, or was, but you know why now." Finnick clears his throat. "None of them know our story. Maybe Kenin does, but not all of it. Only we do. So, you're not crazy. And please don't ever think you are. You're perfect the way you are."

Finnick's last sentence hangs in the air. I about collapse on the spot so I can fall into his arms. How can he say something like that and not expect me to have my heart just drop? This is the young man who I love, and he sees me as I am. Not as the mad girl as the whispers have labeled me. Not as the utterly helpless and broken girl. He understands the degree of my trauma and it's perfectly okay with him. I am perfect to him. How can I not love such a guy as him?

"You can't say things like that Finnick." I whisper unmoving from the place I've stopped at. "You can't tell me I'm perfect and talk about our story." I hear the sob creeping into my tone. He stands next to me with a sad expression as I continue whispering. "You can't say these things aloud and expect me to not love you even more because it hurts too much to think about us. It hurts Finnick." I feel the tears rolling down my face, and his hand tenses as he resists the urge to wipe them away. "All the time, all I want to do is to go to your house and crawl into bed with you. Have you hold me and tell me that it's all going to be okay. That it's okay for me to be this broken. But now that you've said that, you can't. Because I will never stop loving you, but we can never be together. So when you say things like that, it sucks all the happiness from my world because you're not here with me." My shoulders shake as the sobs come out. "You're there and I'm here. And I will always be right here. And you will always be right there. We will always be so close, but it'll never be enough."

Finnick wraps his arms around me as I go into a full blown out sob, unable to deal with the fact that he can't be there for me. Because I miss him so much. And now that he's here with me, it's unbearable to miss him when he's so close. Every part of me is just crying out for him because how can we both feel this way, how can he be right here, and yet how can he still not be mine to have in my life? He feels like such a part of me that to have him stay away is like trying to scrape away the very essence of life I found to make me into a stronger person. Finnick complemented me in every aspect, and with him gone, it leaves me with less than half the person I used to be because parts of me left with him.

Very gently Finnick rubs my back and my slightly protruding spine as I cry into his chest. I can feel his pain as his hands stroke each vertebrae because I let myself get so wasted that it almost killed me. Even my ribs press into his abdomen. None of this can be easy for Finnick. To hold me and feel how fragile I am. To be able to feel almost every bone in my body when only a few months ago I was slender but healthy when we made love for the last time. What we thought would be the last time. What will probably be the last time.

And it feels so good to have him near. To have his body pressed to mine. The world feels safe and endurable once more. It's all the beautiful things wrapped into one. But it's not real. Because we're not back together. He is still not mine. Our lives are still going in different directions no matter how many times they may overlap. And that's the worst of it all, isn't it? To always be crossing each other's path but not being able to have anything to do with the other person. We torture ourselves over and over but it still remains the same.

I pull away from Finnick and look at his face. Tanned, shaved, smooth, tight jawline, perfect proportion of features: nose, sea green eyes, those lips. But it's also unbearably sad with longing. His expression of heart wrenching ache is too obvious to hide. He bites his upper lip, waiting for what I'm going to say. Very slowly his chest inflates as he braces himself for what's coming. I watch his arm muscles tense, and I can almost feel the definition and veins beneath my fingertips. Like my own body has unconsciously memorized the feel of his.

I draw in a breath of air and close my eyes. I remember the obnoxious guy I saw when we first met. He was standing outside the window, acting completely arrogant, and I disliked him so much. Even when Kenin was reaped, it seemed like Finnick was the guy everyone made him out to be. But then so much changed between then and our encounters. Deep inside he was still a badly damaged soul prone to relentless guilt and nightmares. Yet he sacrificed so much of himself for Kenin, and acted selflessly when helping others. He saved Herfe, took countless slaps to the face from myself and Yurol, patiently had self-control, understood the strange, cooked well.

How can these memories count for nothing? We'll always have those memories, but what happened to building more memories with each other? We are supposed to be together. All I have to do is tell him this. Tell him right here and now. Just breathe in, and let my exhale be the words which are meant to be spoken. Because if our love still feels this way, it's right, isn't it? I mean, love can fade in time if there's nothing to fuel it, but if it doesn't fade, that's saying something. It has to be.

"Annie, what are you doing?" A protective sisterly voice asks, scattering my certainty and confidence.

My eyes open and I turn my head to see Yurol standing in the road with Kenin and Joa standing behind her with pained expressions. I wet my lips and softly reply. "Nothing. We were just talking."

She clenches her jaw and says in a tight voice. "Well, Kenin's party starts in several minutes. We should get going." Her eyes flicker to Finnick. "I'll walk with Annie. Kenin can walk with you." There's no room for protest or argument. "Annie, let's go."

Although I know she'll be mad, I face Finnick again and I feel that stab of pain. He looks ashamed and destroyed. I nearly whisper. "I have to go."

"Yeah." He whispers back.

I gaze at Finnick for just a little bit longer—taking in the face I've grown to know so well, but also the face I always seem to be leaving behind. And it's more than the face, it's the soul you grow to love. The very essence which makes a person, the person in their body. I love that about Finnick. His soul. So inevitably, I love him as a person. I'll always love him. We're just not meant to be each other's physically. And without that physical presence, you're never really together.

So honestly, a part of me hates Yurol for loving me too much. But she's the one I'll leave with as I turn from my beautiful boy and walk towards her—choosing my sister over the love of my life once more.

Finnick POV

As much as I try to push it down, the bitterness continues to rise like bile overflowing into the back of my throat. As much as I understand Annie's decision to not dispute my acceptance that it'd be best if she loss me over Yurol, the anger of knowing she picked Yurol is still overwhelming. Now all these emotions are amplified by the fact she chose Yurol once again. And I understand it, I really do, but my feelings don't just have an on and off button. I can't control the rage and hurt and love I feel.

It takes every conscious effort within me to regulate my breathing so I don't give away the turmoil beneath. The more I think, the angrier I get, and the harder it is to control my grip on everything. I must have a poor grip on things already because I don't realize we're at the beach until Kenin shoves a drink into my hand. He's watching me with intense blue eyes, waiting for me to take a sip of whatever's in my cup.

"Thanks." I mutter raising the cup to my lip. It burns more than usual going down. A lot more.

Kenin takes a drink from his cup, and even he slightly makes a face. "Don't mention it."

"What is this?" I ask him.

"Not that Capitol stuff for sure." He replies with his cup between his lips. "Old man Greg brews this. It's called White Sunburn. Twenty times more potent, twenty times the burn of going down."

I look around at the hundreds of people standing on the sand. "You got this for everyone? Do you want to kill them?"

Kenin scoffs and takes another drink. "I got this for us. Everyone else is drinking juice or regular spirits."

I take another drink and my throat does feel like it's being burned white-hot. "Good. Most people wouldn't be able to handle this."

"They don't have our acquired drinking habits." Kenin agrees. He finishes his cup, and throws it in a bag. "Don't drink anymore after you finish. Trust me, this is more than enough for us to blackout. Now if you'll excuse me, I am the birthday boy, and I would like my gift from several eagerly awaiting girls."

He grins with a flirtatious expression, already putting his game face on, and to be on the other end of it, is a bit disturbing. Is this how I come across? It must be. Yet somehow it never ceases to work. I down the rest of my cup and instantly regret it. My insides feel like they've erupted in fire, and I have to steady myself with a table. The White Sunburn is already affecting my head—noises have merged into a distant drone, a fluidity seems to be in the air, and, I don't care as much.

The sudden drunkenness settles down, and I get used to the feeling I know so well. It's easy to navigate through the motions since I've acclimated to the discombobulating effect. Take my hand off the table. Walk around. Pass numerous faceless people. Have all the girls follow me with their eyes. Smile like a damn fool at them. Sit around one of the many bonfires. Wait. Wait. Wait for it. Somebody takes a seat next to me. They say something. Turn my head. A very attractive girl about my age. I reply. She says something. I grin and respond. Attractive girl laughs and scoots closer. Put my hand on her knee and tell her things that girls like her want to hear.

Girl nods her head away from the bonfire. Nod in agreement. Get up to leave. Cold sand spilling over my feet. We're walking away from the crowd. Going down a road. My arm is around her, her arm around my waist. Laughing like drunken idiots. That's what we are. She opens a door. Inside. Door close. Lips. Hand in hair. Pull dress over her head. Against wall. My shirt drops to the floor. Hands fumble around my pants. Breathing hard. It's hot. So hot. Move to bed. Ignore that voice in my head; she's drowned out by the drunken need. Don't make love—just sex. The regular, meaningless sex. Both exhausted who knows how long later. Girl wraps her arms around me. Nestles head against my chest. Closes eyes. I'm still really drunk. Lean into pillow. Sleep.

Before my eyes open, I can feel the way my entire body aches. The stiffness in my muscles, the dull throb in my head, a rawness to my throat. What happened last night? I let out a sigh with my eyes still closed as I try to remember. Annie left with Yurol, Kenin walked with me to the beach. It's fuzzy from there. Okay, we were at the beach. Drinking. It was called…something, but it was strong. I walked around, there was a fire, a girl and I talked. What did we talk about? I was smiling at a lot of people before that. Girls actually. I was smiling at a lot of girls before the fire. But I didn't talk with anyone until the fire.

Did I put my hand on her knee? What was I thinking? Flirting with a girl I have no interest in. It was dark then. A road. So I left and walked somewhere. Back to my place. Why would I do that? Whatever Kenin gave me, it was clearly so strong I had to leave early. There's a strange presence around my waist. At some point during the night, did I wrap a piece of clothing around me? The weight around my waist shifts, and somebody moves away.

Somebody! My eyes snap open and I'm distorted by the strange location. I'm not in my room, I'm in a regular home I've seen so often with the girls I would sleep with. No, no, no! I very slowly turn my head, and see a girl asleep next to me. A naked girl. Hair a skewed with that just, well yeah, look. It all comes back to me. The kissing, pressed against the wall, shedding our clothes, our bodies pressed together. This makes me physically cringe, and the girl murmurs in her sleep at the disturbance.

Every inch of my body aches with dehydration, but I need to get out of here. Right now! Little by little, I lift myself up and get out at the foot of the bed. Quietly, but quickly, I pull my pants and shirt on. Thankfully the girl is still asleep so I can make a silent escape. I wince as her bedroom door slightly creaks, but she doesn't wake. At least she lives alone because I can't count how many awkward encounters I've had when the girl's family is in the living room and I'm trying to leave. I've found it best to escape through the window if she lives with her family. But that was so long ago when I first met Annie.

Oh no, Annie…

My heart lurches and I stop in the living room at the front door. I haven't slept with anyone in Four since I was with Annie. It's been over a year. Or, it was over a year. I've changed all of that in one night. We're not together but it feels exactly like cheating on her. She's the one I love, so how could I sleep with someone else? Because I was drunk? Because we're not together? Because I really am just a terrible person?

Guilt consumes me as I open the door and hope no one is outside. It's still fairly early, so I don't pass many people as I walk out of the girl's neighborhood. All I can think about is how I've cheated on Annie when she's no longer mine. Maybe that's the problem though. Yurol's made it very clear I have no place in Annie's life. And Annie's chosen Yurol. Perhaps I've always been the guy who screwed girls to help me cope with the rough patches in life. Annie did change me into a guy who fell in love, but with her gone now, it seems pointless to try and move on to find new love. I don't want to love anyone but her. But being alone is unbearable. So as I used to, I'll find comfort in meaningless girls—going back to the self-loathing that was suppressed, but never really left.

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yeah, i went there...