"Shhhh…" I said rubbing Gail's back after waking up for the second time that night from fits of screams and generally just Gail tossing uncontrollably in the bed. It was the second nightmare that night but I suspect the same one. "Baby its ok … I'm here. You're home." I whispered as she clung to me, her body shaking beneath the covers. They had gotten no better or worst just more of the same. The only time she didn't have them, was when she was completely exhausted from making love with me. So since Gail's return we'd had one singular night without me waking up in terror.

Her therapy sessions just weren't working fast enough to ease my troubled mind. Gail had told me it was a slow process before there would be some light at the end of the tunnel. She'd assured me this was all part of the process. She'd after all been through this before and wasn't scared to face the road to recovery. But what about the roads she faced in the black of night, when she was neither conscious nor a willing participant? Those roads I had to gently guide her from when I am summoned in the dead of night to hold her close and keep away demons that she believed weren't really there? It was about an hour later before sleep found me again but it wasn't sleep, so much as it was resting my eyes before the morning drew near.

Ringing …

A phone was ringing, something in my deep subconscious told me that my phone was ringing but I was too tired from lack of sleep to reach for it, but it kept ringing and ringing. Who could be this determined at this hour of the morning? I wondered, but my mind drew blanks, all my friends were lazy buggers who would have given up after the third ring and send a text message. This person had redialed after my voicemail had picked up on the tenth ring. Persistent much? I tried to move, to sit up in bed but Gail clung to me like glue and my only body part free was my hand, so I reached over, shuffled contents on my nightstand and finally found the offending device.

"Hello?" I growled not bothering to look at the caller id. It was my dad with a warm greeting and I smiled even in my tired sulky state. It was always good hearing from him. "Um… yes. That's today." I whispered after a momentary pause. I felt Gail roll away and I was finally able to sit up in bed and get out of it. The morning was chilly and my pajama bottom and white spaghetti top were not enough to fight the biting cold that reached me once I removed the covers causing me to quickly reach for my sweater. Awkwardly I pulled it on, while holding the phone shoulder to ear as I spoke. "How did you hear about that?" I whispered again as I left the bedroom and closed the door before making my way into the living room. I was confused as to how my dad knew about Gail's committee meeting. I hadn't mentioned it to him. "You have friends in high places? Ok." I shrugged. "Ah .. yes 8 am…" I confirmed. "I don't know dad .." I admitted. I didn't know if the prognosis was going to be good. I moved into the kitchen and turned on the coffee maker, leaning on the counter as I watched it. "I don't know dad, she seems okay with whatever is going to happen today, but we aren't exactly holding hands and discussing it to death." I frowned. "I know … I am concerned, this is her job, her career …I just. I don't know." I sighed. "Help? What kind of help are you offering?" I asked him. "Oh …"

"Sweetie, if you pull on it any tighter, you're going to hang me with it." Gail said touching my shoulders. "That's what those guys behind the door are for …" she said lightly. I think she was trying to make a joke.

"Hmm?" my brain felt scrambled by fear as I tried to fix her tie for the millionth time that morning. Just maybe if she looked sharp enough in her uniform, they would show her some leniency? My logic wasn't sound today, in fact it was nonexistent. I was running on sheer emotions and none of the good ones. As far as I was concerned it was currently half past nerves and nausea as we waited outside the conference room at fifteenth division that morning.

I felt Gail steady my shaky fingers, with her equally shaky ones. It was mild comfort to know she was worried as well. A part from her hands, she looked collected. Her blue eyes barely blinked her jaw tight and her mood unreadable. "My tie … thanks for fixing it." she said gently as our hands slid from her noose.

"Ooo…k" I breathed, which felt like a hard task today.

"Do you have to go into work soon?" Gail asked and I looked at her with a slight frown. I had work at 8am, thirty minutes time. "Its okay if you have to go. This may take long…I just…"

She was asking me to stay. Didn't she know I wasn't about to leave her? Work or no work. "I'll wait for you." I told her. "No matter how long." she seemed to relax then, but her hold on my fingers told me otherwise. I wanted to reassure her that everything was going to be okay, but whom was I kidding. I couldn't promise that. I just didn't know what was going to take place.

They had questioned or rather grilled me for days after the incident. I just hoped I hadn't said anything that could hurt Gail's career. Steve had said to just tell the truth and that's what I did, nothing more, nothing less. I just now hope that the truth would be our saving grace today, because most times its not. It's just not and as much as we hate to admit it sometimes a good lie curbs the danger, stops the disaster. We were heading into danger and a disaster was imminent.

"Hey ..." I felt Gail touch my cheek. "Where did you go just now?"

"Baby I'm worried. What if… " The words spilled from my lips before I could stop them. I should have stopped them, but if she was no longer a Peck and no longer a Police Officer. What would she be? And for purely selfish reasons, what would that mean for us? How could we still be together if I cost her, her name and her job? I would have ripped her off her identity. No amount of "I love yous" could fix that surely?

"Whatever decision is made today. You and I are going to be fine Holly." She said speaking directly to my unvoiced fears. She pulled me into a hug and I held on for dear life, like this may just be the last time I get to hold her. Cause even though her words had been clear and her conviction strong. I just didn't believe her. I didn't think we could survive a worst case scenario.

"Officer Peck, we are ready." A senior police officer said walking up to us and we forcibly parted, my hands unconsciously straightening Gail's uniform.

"Thank you Sir." Gail said. "I'll be right in." he left us with a nod and Gail turned to me. I felt her fingers run through my hair and her eyes locked with mine. I tried not to look away; she was looking for strength and reassurance in them. I hoped I could provide strength and reassurance. I watched her shoulders stiffen and I saw her take a deep breath before she kissed me and I kissed her with a need and a fear I hadn't quite known the extent off until that moment.

"I love you …" I breathed between our parted lips as my fingers smoothed over the medallion under her uniform. "He'll protect you in there." I promised. "And I'll have your back out here." I pressed another kiss to her lips. "Baby … dont keep them waiting …" I told her as I eased from her embrace, but she seemed reluctant to go.

I was reluctant to let her go.

So we just stood there in a moment that was not measurable by time, but only by emotions as my back pressed against the white wall, her forehead rested against mine, our eyes closed, our breathing even but our hearts heavy before I finally felt her move away and I watched her walk into the room. I was appreciative for the support the wall provided as I reached for a chair and slummed into it and waited.

"How did it go?" I asked anxiously once I saw Gail leave the room. She'd gone into the office at 8 am and now it was 12 pm. I had sat in that chair unmoving, watching the door for the past four hours. Tracey, Steve, Chris, Dov and even my sister had all stopped by. Each trying to offer comfort and words to calm shaky nerves, but each had failed. Stiffly I rose from the self inflicted prison that was the chair and stretched my stiff legs as she came closer. "How did it go?" I repeated.

"I don't know …" her response was glum. "We are on a break, we reconvene in one hour." Gail told me as she looked out to the end of the passage where police officers could be seen hurriedly walking back and forth and there was a flurry of noises from the bullpen. A place where Gail surely wanted to be, but she was stuck here in this white, empty hallway with me and whoever was just beyond the door.

"So what are they saying? Did they ask you any questions?" I asked the anxiety in my voice was undeniable. "Does it look bad or good?" I probed.

"Sweetie .. I don't…" she said rubbing the back of her neck.

"Did they give any indication of how they would decide?" I pressed, but she only looked to the end of the hallway her eyes clouding over with what looked like sadness. "Gail please, talk to me! Tell me something? Anything, how bad is it?"

"Stop asking me questions Holly!" she suddenly growled causing me to recoil. "That's all they've been doing all morning!" she flung. "and every question was an accusation! Like another nail in my coffin!"

"I'm sorry …"

"Are you? Are you really sorry!?" she spat. "You told them that Mackenzie and I have had issues in the past?!"

"They asked, what was I suppose to do?"

"You lie Holly! You lie!" Gail flung. "You tell them that Mac and I were doing just fine like two peas in a pod. Cause now because of YOU they think I wanted to hurt Mackenzie and that I used the drug as an excuse to do just that!"

"I never meant for this to hurt you, I just wanted to tell the truth."

"Now YOU want to be TRUTHFUL?" Gail scoffed no doubt remembering my less than honest approach to everything else. Getting her to the Penny with the aid of Chris. Lying about Mac trying to kiss me at the bar. Sneaking around at the strip club, lying about how her hitting me hadn't affected me at first and more recently about the masturbation.

"I'm sorry. I really am." I finally responded.

"I may loose my job Holly." Gail said calmer but no less annoyed as she loosened her tie and took of it off. "I've worked so hard for this …and I'm just going to loose it" she sighed handing the tie to me.

"Maybe we should call your mother …" I suggested out of the blue, but it had been on my mind for the past four hours. "And do what she asked ...I could leave…save your career." It was a foolish yet painful suggestion but I needed to give Gail an out.

Any out…I had been the singular cause of this.

"No!" Gail's objection was clear. "Don't you dare suggest that again. Ever!" her distain evident "I am NOT asking my mom for help, especially if it means loosing you." She told me, but I knew she could understand the benefits of my suggestion, even if she blindly refused to acknowledge it. "We are not asking anyone for help. Whatever decision is made, we deal with it together and I don't want you playing a fucking martyr. I'd think of you less if you did."

"Okay" I sighed heavily not wanting to fight with her anymore. "Do you want us to go? Get a bite to eat … until?"

"No." Gail said for a second time but calmer. "I'm about to loose my job Holly. I just need sometime to process it all. I just need a moment to myself." She sighed.

"Okay" I breathed. "I can give you that."

"Thank you." she said before she slowly headed down the hallway and Gail disappeared into the crowed of police officers busy on the job of serving and protecting. Their only goal was to serve and protect. Gail wanted to be able to do just that. What was my goal?

I looked at my phone for a long time before I dialed the familiar number. "Dad … its me, Holly." I said once the connecting line had picked up. I looked at Gail's tie in my hand and sighed. "It looks bad, really bad." I told him. "I think I'm going to need you to make that call…."