Today was grey, cloudy, and rainy. It was one of those days, when there was nothing to do. It was one of those days where one was hard pressed to find something amusing to do.
"Master," Becky began curled around George on her bed. "What should we do today? We can't go outside to practice. Mother says no training in the house... and we got expelled from the Geese training field."
George grumbled as she counted the dots on her ceiling for the fifteenth time. Each time she came up with four thousand-three hundred and seventeen.
"What we need is some inside fun." George said, pushing Becky off of her stomach. Her thrall was being extra clingy lately. What did most normal kids do when they were stuck in the house? Sure most kids didn't live in a fifty room estate, but why nitpick? Most kids hung around with their parents. Most kids, played tricks. "Let's prank Alucard."
"Grandmaster? Are you sure that's wise?
"No, it's probably not, but it could be fun. Or it could be suicide. How about a competition, Becky, do you think you can surprise Master?"
"Well if this a competition, what do I get if I win?" Becky cocked her big innocent head to the side and smiled. "There has to be a prize."
"Uhm, I'll stay away from Bobbi for a week. I'll even let you come to class with me, I guess."
"THANK YOU MASTER!"
"But if I win, Bobbi gets to come over for dinner. AND NO! You cannot feed her to Master."
"Damn," Becky muttered pouting. "So, Master, are there any rules? Do I just have to surprise Grandmaster?"
"Basically, yeah. Just try and see if you can get him to look shocked or something."
Pranking Alucard wouldn't be easy. He was after all a master vampire hundreds of years old. George sat in her room thinking. It had to be something unexpected. It had to be a total surprise. And since Alucard could hear her coming, she decided that the best way to start was to stop her heartbeat. It would be easier to sneak up on him if she were putting out no sound at all; no breathing and no heartbeat for him to hear.
George held her breath, concentrating on pausing her body's need for oxygen. She forced her heart to still and moved with all the stealth she had mastered.
'This will be easy!' George mentally told herself. She willed confidence into her mind despite still being terrified. George felt her heart rate slow to a near stop, the heavy booted footsteps breaking her little pep-talk. 'Dammit! He's coming'! George looked at the doorway leading to the kitchen. She told the laws of light refraction and mass to go screw themselves as she bent them, going invisible. Her eyes flashed red as she focused on the thick shadows she was wraping around the door. Then Alucard walked through.
"Hmm?" That single sound was Alucard's only reaction to the howling of monsters surrounding him. "Didn't this use to lead to the kitchen?" He shrugged and glanced very specifically at where George was hiding in the shadows.
A demon very similar to Ink on steroids was foolish enough to attack the no life king. Quickly and subtlety, like a professional gunslinger, Alucard pulled his cassul and aimed at the demon's head. That demon was blasted back and spattered on the ground. Alucard's large silver cassul smoked as his red eyes glared out at the remaining monsters.
"What other dogs need to be put down?"
Suddenly, the pack of snarling drooling beasts struck. Alucard's grin went mad as he enjoyed slaughtering them all. The thunderous clang of his bullet shells dropping to the ground echoed through negative space as he put a bullet into each of them. One by one, they fell and turned to dust as Alucard shot them down. When the last of the dogs fell to the ground in a gooey messy heap, Alucard replaced his gun in the holster permanently hidden by his coat.
"Well that was fun. I got a little early excercise this evening. I must do this again. Do you hear me, little Dracula?"
"DAMN!" Geroge hissed, as Alucard wiped away the shadow zone. 'How hard is it to prank Master?'
Alucard rummaged through the fridge and pulled out a thick silver pouch.
"Are you staying for breakfast, or what?"
"Depends, Master, how long have you been listening to my thoughts?"
"Long enough to know that I am going to make sure to find a very small coffin to lock you in. Give or take of course."
"Then, no BYE!" George made it a point to vanish and regroup. She needed something good and she needed help to keep Master out of her mind. She needed her big sister.
"Sis, are you up?" George banged on the door to Seras Victoria's room.
"Georgey, what are you doing in here? Shouldn't you be playing with Becky?" Seras opened the door yawning. It was just past sunset on Saturday and for vampires that was early.
"Yeah today we decided to duel. We are trying to see who can surprise Master."
"Surprise..., Alucard? Is that even possible? I'd be tickled pink if you could."
"Tickled... pink? Oh, Sis, I've got a great idea." The spark of inspiration struck George like a wrecking ball. George bounced up and down barely refraining from floating.
"Really?" Seras' skepticism was visible in her raised eyebrow and the strange crook to her mouth. "I'd love to hear this. I'm going to need to know what to say at your funeral."
"You know you're starting to get snarky, is Master finally rubbing off on you? Anyway, I think we should paint his room pink."
"Pink? He'll kill you. He will actually rip out your heart out and eat it. "
"Well, he has to catch me first. And I will be running ,okay this cliché fits, like a bat out of hell."
"Ok, but if we do this, we'll have to be quick and quiet." Seras noted, as she leaned against a doorway and yawned. "We'll have to have everything ready."
"Ok. Commando style. You're even wearing fatigues." George pointed to the baggy camo pants Seras wore now when she was training the Geese. "I'll get the paint meet me in the basement."
HELLSINGHELLSINGHELLSING
"Becky grinned, checking the hair-thin wire marking her trap. "Finally I'll have Master away from that interloper. When Grandmaster steps through that thread, knives would come raining down. He'd end up skewered to the floor and confused. "Then she would be able to spend the whole day with her master. Right there protecting her from her new shadow, the one known as Bobbi.
"Now what else can I do?"
HELLSINGHELLSINGHELLSING
Using Seras' shadow ability, she and George rearranged Alucard's room. They made his wall bright and pink. George had even managed to paint a giant heart on one of the walls. They decorated his other walls with pink and white roses. They made his lone wooden table and chair a classy and feminine tea setting. His cold stone floors were now carpeted with fluffy white plush carpet and there were even a vase of tall pink roses on the table. .
The two mischievous vampires vanished after their work was done. They hid in the shadows and waited. Alucard seemed to just appear in the doorway and stare at his room. It was pink, brilliantly pink with cute fluffy stuffed animals sitting in his chair. Where his hat and his guns should have been. He blinked around the room and took a seat, picking up the fluffy white rabbit. He checked its pocket watch. Then on the table instead of a metal bucket with a blood pack, he saw a tea set with wine and a very delicious looking strawberry cake. Alucard picked up the phone calmly.
"Do we have any earl grey, Walter? Good. Send for Integra apparently we are having tea. There is even wine if she prefers. Tell her to look .... nice." Alucard held the bunny out and just grinned. "George, you always did like Alice in wonder land. But I always thought the Cheshire Cat was your favorite character. Not the white rabbit."
George frowned and banged her head against the wall. She wanted more of a reaction out of him. I mean, my God, they made his room PINK. Didn't that even rate a "WHAT THE HELL?!" George groaned and Seras chuckled.
"Well that was a bust," George grumbled, as her father playfully strangled the rabbit with its own pocket watch.
"What did you really expect? This is Alucard. He's over eight hundred years old. I expect he's seen it all."
"Are you telling me you really think someone already tried turning his room pink?"
"Maybe. Who knows what happened here before we arrived. They probably didn't live through it though."
"Oh, Walter would. I'll ask him. Thanks Seras."
Integra left her office, intending to go see just what the hell Alucard was playing. He was actually inviting her to tea. She made her way down the hall and then she tripped.
"WHA!??"
Integra's gloved hand hit the floor and she catapulted into a one handed summersault. Knives rained down and they had barely missed her.
"What in bloody hell? ALUCARD!!" Integra stomped down the hallway and into the dungeon where Alucard normally stayed. Then she blinked. Her shock ripped away her anger and turned it into a fit of uproarious laughter. "Alucard, what happened to this room?"
Alucard looked up from his rabbit torture, involving a pen and the vest the bunny wore, and his face went blank. Integra chuckled jovially as she took a seat across from him.
"THAT! That shocked him? All Mother did was laugh." George was dumbfounded by the frozen look of awe on Alucard's face.
"Well, George, I guess it's rare for Sir Integra to laugh like that." Seras said, still smiling.
Alucard and Integra looked like husband and wife again. And she was glad to hear Integra laugh. It had been so long, especially after what had happened.
"Give me that rabbit, Alucard." Integra asked, the light giggle still making her face glow and look younger. "I know something worse than a pen up the ass. Integra joined Alucard in slowly making the rabbit wish for death.
"Wait, does this mean I win?" George considered, as she and Seras vanished.
"BECKY!!" George yelled, as she took up residence back in her own room.
"You called, Master?'"
"Yeah, I think I won. I turned master's room pink. Mother came in and laughed and master was shocked. He was stunned silent for a whole minute."
"Really?"
George nodded, a wide triumphant smile on her face. "Really. If I hadn't made his room bubblegum pop pink he never would have calmed Mother and seen her laugh."
"But, Master, was grandmaster shocked because you painted the room pink or because he saw Mother laugh?"
"If I hadn't painted the room pink, Mother wouldn't have laughed so it doesn't matter."
"Yes, it does. It wasn't your prank that shocked Grandmaster; It was the laugh. Sure your prak made Mother laugh, but it didn't even affect Grandmaster." George huffed, but she had to admit that her thrall was right. She hadn't won...yet. Sure, she could force Becky to agree with her but it would take the fun out of this. "I even let him walk into a shadow-pocket full of demons and he just killed them, no confused 'What the hell' no shocked 'Where am I' he even knew it was me that did it."
"Well the game is still on, isn't it? I am not going to lose. I want you away from the intruder." Becky declared proudly, as her mind already had her next trap set.
George, cocked her head quizzically as Becky flitted from the room. Becky, in all her infinate determination, went to the Hellsing Family Library. Even after all these years, she was still awed by how many books the Hellsing Family owned. But this time she was looking for one particular type of book. There were books on every subject on earth, but the most books were of the occult persuasion. Becky scanned the shelves looking for something that would be useful in surprising Alucard. There were manuscripts in exorcism, black mantras, white mantras, Intro to the arts, anatala Setora and .... The Kama Sutra?
Suddenly, after shaking the images the Kama Sutra brought to mind, she spied an ancient book that looked more like a diary than a real book. She opened the cover and the name Elena DeLarada stood out to her.
"Hm, this book was owned by George's grandmother. I wonder why she never speaks of her. She must be dead, she never visits."
Becky turned the page and grinned. "Elemental control, Binding spells, transmutations, illusion, and potions."
Becky took the book and went over to the table. She sat down and read the book from cover to cover. It had lists, recipes, it was rather like a hellish cookbook Becky thought. But then she saw just what was calling to her. The fire ring spell, she concentrated most on the fire spell. She repeated the words over and over in her mind until she had them completely memorized. They came to the front of her mind like the lyrics to a favorite song. She was sure that if she spoke them aloud something bad might happen and she wasn't ready yet to prank grandmaster. So she kept the words in her mind.
Now all she needed to do was find all the ingredients she needed to make it into a potion. Grandmaster would most certainly be shocked when his lunch went from mild to surface-of the-sun spicy.
'Now where can I find these ingredients?" Becky looked at the very detailed recipe for liquid fireballs and grinned.
Magic really did start in the kitchen. She scrambled through the cupboards for tobassco and black pepper.
"How on earth is this magic? I feel like I'm making salsa." She boiled the fire tobasco as she chopped up the jalapeños. She glanced at the books checking the notations. "So these things hold the spirit of fire?" She added the garlic and grinned. All she had to do now was speak the words.
"Calling upon the flame that warms the soul
take this and make it your home
blaze and burn as your enemy's fodder.
Liquid fire burns even hotter."
The little sauce glowed vivd red and seemed to simmer. Then it settled to a deceptive copper liquid no thicker than water.
In the meantime, George was stooping to much lower tactics. George paced her room, up and down, thinking of what to do next and how to do it. Since it was her mother Integra that had gotten the only reaction out of Alucard, then she would need her mother's help to surprise Alucard. The only thing was her mother was busy with the Knights paperwork and would never help her prank Alucard. She would see it as a childish waste of time and therefore would never help...at least not willingly.
Right now, Integra was taking a moment for one of her guilty pleasure. She sighed as she dipped lower into the hot bubble bath. Was it an odd time to take a bath? Yes, most likely, but did Integra care? Not just no, but bloody hell no. The bubbles caressed her and seemed to make the stress in her office a distant memory. At least until her bathroom door was flung open.
George had decided that the best way to get to Alucard was through her mother.
"George, do not make me ask why you decided to just burst into my bathroom. Integra growled, turning to face her young dhamphire daughter. George grinned, staring directly into her mother's eyes. The red glow deepened attempting to wrap puppet strings around her mother's body something that she had never done before. It was also something she would probably never live long enough to do again. It wouldn't be easy getting into her mother's mind; after all she had been fighting off Alucard for years. But George had one advantage, she wasn't bound like Alucard...that and she knew her mother's weakness...her father.
While Integra relaxed, letting the strings tighten binding her under George's control.
"Okay, I know you are going to shoot me for this but... it's not like a Hellsing to lose."
George just "suggested" very strongly to her mother the memory of Vladimir loving her. And from there she let Integra dwell on the thought for a while and then she put the suggestion into her head. 'Alucard should be naked.'
George herself nearly fell out laughing when her mother called for her father.
"Alucard, come here." Integra demanded, her steely blue eyes glazed by George's interference.
Alucard appeared grinning like the hellcat he was. Had Integra really asked him to come into her bathroom... with her still in the bath?
"Alucard," Integra's voice was sharp and held the authority of an order. "I demand that you strip naked, pour hot=sauce down your body, and go wait on my bed. I like em' spicy."
George smiled, and the insane grin spread from ear to ear. She didn't care that her father and her mother were naked. She didn't care that she was probably going to die in a very tiny and very dark little box. All she cared about was the fact that now she would see her father surprised. But...it didn't happen that way.
"Yes, my master," Alucard replied grinning. His fangs glinted in his excitement. His smile was positively mad. And it was in no way shocked.
And right then and there, Alucard stripped off all his clothes. George groaned and banged her head against the wall. WHAT THE HELL WAS IT GOING TO TAKE? Suddenly, Alucard looked pointedly in George's direction.
"Nice try and I really appreciate the thought. For this, I'll forgo your coffin punishment. But she, however, is going to murder you with extreme prejudice. Enjoy."
George gawked from her little shadow pocket. She disappeared before Alucard could get a hold of her... or Integra woke up from her control. With her gone, Integra's mind returned to her.
"Alucard, please stop flitting about naked. No one wants to see an eight-hundred year old man naked."
"But, Master, you just told me told me to..."
"I said nothing of the sort. ALUCARD PUT SOME DAMN CLOTHES ON ....there are children in this house!"
Alucard just materialized his hat, letting the wide red article of clothing flash into his hands. Then he placed it on his head.
"You're right, Master, a man is never dressed without his hat. By the way, the water looks very inviting. May I join you?"
"Hell no! Now get your undead ass out of my bathroom."
Just then, Walter knocked on the bathroom door and entered the room.
"Sir, her majesty wants to ..." began Walter, until he spied a naked Alucard standing in front of an equally naked Integra trying to enjoy a bath. "Pardon my rudeness Alucard Sir, but I must respectfully say what the bloody fuck?"
"I was just about to take a bath," said Alucard most nonchalantly. "What? Even I bathe, Walter."
"Like hell you were." Integra protested, her hand taking on an incredibly threateningly red glow as a fireball form. "Both of you get out!"
"But..."
"No butts, especially yours, Alucard. Get out and put some clothes on. THAT'S AN ORDER!"
"Yes, master." chuckled Alucard.
HELLSINGHELLSING
"So, since I'm apparently not getting laid, I think I'll get something to eat." Alucard lazily strolled through the hallways back to the kitchen. "I think Integra enjoyed our little tea party. But I must warn her to not let George get bored. It leads to havoc, entertaining havoc yes, but still havoc."
Alucard grabbed one of his blood backs, tearing the tip on his teeth Alucard took a greedy suck. Then his tongue swelled as a fireball exploded in his mouth. He opened his mouth and impersonated a dragon spewing flame towards the fridge. Walter was going to be angry with scorch marks on his nice clean fridge, but what could he do. He didn't want to set the curtains on fire.
"What?" wondered Alucard, as he allowed one eyebrow to rise slightly. "Who switched my mild with Spicy?"
Searching the house with his third eye, Alucard found the orchestrator of this prank. Alucard just grinned, as he vanished from sight to stand behind Becky.
"What is the meaning of spiking my lunch with hotsauce?" Alucard asked, grabbing the amazonian Becky by the neck of her dress like a kitten. He hauled her up to Integra's room.
"Integra, I believe I have found the cause of today's excitement. George and Rebecca need some entertainment and they are getting it at my expense."
Integra blinked in her fluffy robe.
"So you mean the knives raining down on me, your room turning pink, you ending up naked in my bathroom, and your… red lips are their doing?"
"Yes." Alucard answered dropping Becky to the floor with a soft thud.
Suddenly, Integra's face took on a very annoyed look and she hollered.
"GEORGE!!"
"AWWW, Grandmaster, you ruined it. I was going to win." Rebecca moaned, turning her disappointed eyes to the floor.
When George didn't come as her mother called her, Alucard plucked George from a shadow in the corner that she was hiding in and dropped her next to her thrall.
"Well consider it a disqualification. Now what on earth possessed you two to do this?" Integra asked, with her arms folded as she tried to decide what punishment would be fitting for the disruption of her morning.
Both girls just stood there sheepishly.
"George, answer or it's the toy box for you." Integra said, sternly, as her foot now tapped with impatience. She didn't like playing on George's fear, it smacked far too heavily of Angelica's torture, but she needed an answer.
"I'm sorry, mother, but we were bored. It's raining out and you've forbid us from practicing in the house."
"I'm sorry too, Sir." Becky continued, bowing alongside her Master. "We just didn't know what to do in the house today.
"If you are bored," smiled Integra wickedly. "There's plenty for you to do."
Integra walked over to the phone, summoning Walter from whatever task he was busy doing. Seconds later, Walter appeared with a list and a mop and bucket in his hands for them both. Integra took the list from Walter and handed it to George.
"You and Becky will spend the day completing every task on this list. With a house this big, this should keep you two busy for the day. Even with vampire abilitites this is a lot of work."
"Aw man," George groaned.
"It's this or the toy box." Alucard said, George could feel the smug grin on his face. George grumbled, knowing that if she turned around she would see her father's fangs flashing in the dim light.
George and Becky both took their mops and buckets from Walter and followed him out.
"And George..."
"Yes, Master?"
"No shadow demons. You will do this on your own."
"Aw damn. How'd you know I was going to get Ink and his pack to help?"
"Because that's what I would do." Alucard chuckled again, as his daughter was sent to her fate.
"Crap." groaned George.
Alucard watched with mirth as George and Becky followed Walter out. Walter was a good jailer and would keep them busy for hours. Then Alucard turned to Integra with an equally wolfish grin.
"So, now that children are preoccupied, shall we continue with where we left off this morning? I believe it had something to do with me naked, your bed, and … hotsauce? "
Integra just looked at Alucard, with her hands behind her back.
"Really? Is that what it was?" She smiled wickedly, the powerful blue eyes seeming to light up with danger. "I thought we were interrupted just as I was about to burn the hell out your undead ass for disturbing my bath."
Suddenly, fireballs flew from Integra's hands.
Downstairs, while the girls were scrubbing the floors of the ballroom, they suddenly heard Alucard yell.
"DAMNIT, INTEGRA, THAT HURT!! BUT, IF YOU WANT TO PLAY!"
There were several crashes and thumps. George also recognized the unmistakable sound of a gunshot. The sounds of more rampant destruction rained down to George and Becky then all too soon they heard furniture breaking and Integra shouting in Romanian.
"I am NOT cleaning that up." George told Rebecca.
Rebecca just looked at George with a fun filled smiled and snickered at George.
"Master, I don't think we need to worry about that. I don't think that room will exist when they're done in there."
"Anyway, Becky...." Then they were interrupted by the phone ringing. "Hmm? Who is that?" George was instantly holding the phone, her scrub brush still scrubbing at the soapy floor. Master had said no shadow demons, but not one word about manipulating physics.
"Hello, George?"
"Bobbi? What are you calling for?"
"Uhm..., I was hoping you'd help me with something tomorrow."
"What? I'm bored at home anyway I'll help out."
"I found a bike… and I need an extra pair of hands. Plus you have super strength and you can reach into the parts and you know."
"You need a mechanic?"
"Yeah, I guess you can say that."
Bobbi was scared. She didn't know when she had become stupid enough to call George. The girl might not want to murder her right now but she was a long way from being friends.
"Sure, why not."
Bobbi's jaw dropped. She had expected George to yell, call her an idiot, threaten her with horrible unspeakable ways to die, and hang up in her face. But George had agreed, right?
"Thanks, I guess I'll see you tomorrow. Do you need directions or anything? I don't know exactly where you live."
"Nope, I won't have any problems finding you, Bobbi. See you tomorrow."