Disclaimer: I own only the amusing guard and a certain drunken lord...
Author's Note: Sorry about the slight delay but I got into an argument with Dawkins. This was supposed to be a long chapter and the blasted fellow kept throwing out ending lines. I overrode him the first time, but the second I allowed, what is it to me to add chapters? It happens all the time. Can I kill him off now? (everybody screams no...sigh)
...
Azkadellia, born and raised in the O.Z., had a high tolerance for what Othersiders would consider weirdness. Seeing as she'd been possessed at a young age and grown up as that voice in the back of an evil Sorceress' head, her crazy threshold was higher than most. Still, every now and again the Outer Zone managed to throw a bizarre enough storm to leave even her feeling a little bit headcased. All she'd wanted to do was check on DG, who'd said she wasn't feeling well and gone to bed early, and, if possible, find something to cheer Dawkins up. Ever since the assassination attempt the bodyguard had been understandably prone to fits of melancholy if one let him brood too long. Fortunately the night had decided to provide an excellent distraction.
"'Scuse me," slurred the drunken young man that had fallen through a door onto the eldest princess, "'ave you sheen da Lurker?"
"Who?" Dawkins asked sharply as he hauled the inebriated fellow off his charge. This, right here, was one of the main reasons why she didn't like alcohol: it made people ridiculous.
"Da Lurker, yoo kno' da Lurker, need ta find'im," was the less than coherent response.
"No, I'm afraid I don't know the Lurker," the guard stated as he helped Azkadellia to her feet, "who is he?"
"Yoo do too kno' da Lurker," the man replied belligerently, "Ev'eybody kno' da Lurker. Big, growlee fella, Arm'd an' Lurkin', gonna getcha, always gonna getcha. No' a'ways der bu' a'ways on da way. Got da glarey eyes."
"You know," Dawkins mused, his lip twitching slightly, "that sounds like the Tin Man."
Az giggled as the drunk attempted to stamp his foot and almost keeled over, forcing the guard reached out and steady him. "Off course i' shounds li' da Tinnyman," he declared indignantly, "I tol' oo I wash lookin' for'im."
"I'm terribly sorry, sir," Dawkins began with mock solemnity.
"Ima notta shir, Ima lord!" the young lord interrupted emphatically, "Whattar you?"
"My Lord, I am but a humble guard," Dawkins eyes danced as he answered, "of Princess Azkadellia's..."
"Ashadeeya!" the drunken lord shrieked, diving behind said princess, "Wher'?"
"Um, right here," Az replied, unsure whether to be amused or annoyed.
Peering blearily at her for a moment, the sloshed lord objected, "No ya ishn't."
The eldest princess blinked. As the most notorious person in the O.Z. she'd never not been recognized. "Yes, I am," she assured him.
"No, y'ain't," his lordship replied, sticking to his guns, "I's avoid da eldisht pwincessh a'ways – try ta avoid da youngest, too, bu' dat no seem ta work – anys hoo, iffa ima here, ish 'cause Ashadeeya not, 'cause ima ne'er wher'da eldisht pwincesh ish. Logick irrefushable."
Dazzled by this, er, reasoning, Azkadellia found herself completely incapable of annoyance. Dawkins, meanwhile, was leaning against the wall choking on his laughter.
"Beshides," his drunkenness continued stubbornly, "Ashadeeya ish scawee, y'ain't scawee, you ish...you ish," he tilted his head to the side in consideration, "you jusht ish!" he announced triumphantly.
Okay, maybe she could be a little annoyed. "Perhaps," Az suggested, "you should hide yourself lest the scary princess come and find you. I hear she sucks out souls."
"I canna do dat," he stated, as he finally stopped crouching behind her, "Ima in da middle offa plan."
"R-really?" interjected the gleeful Dawkins, "Pray tell us."
"Can't."
"Why not?" he demanded.
"'Cause itsa dashtardly plan, canna haffa dashtardly plan iffa tell eve'ybody wha'tis."
"Oh," said the disappointed guard, then his eyes gleamed, "but for your plan to work you need to find Cain?"
"Yesh, neshasherry," the young lord confirmed.
"Follow this hallway until you get to the end, turn right, Cain's will be the first door you come to," Dawkins replied immediately.
"Musch oblig'd," the drunken lord said politely with an unsteady bow before stumbling forward on his quest once more. The princess and her guard watched his progress with bemused amusement until he turned the corner and disappeared from view.
"Can we keep him?" Dawkins asked.
Azkadellia stared at her bodyguard incredulously. "You want to keep him?" she inquired blankly, glancing in the direction the inebriated lord had staggered then back again.
"Who wants to keep who?" a voice interjected as the guard nodded enthusiastically. Turning in surprise, Az caught sight of Officer Gulch making his way down the hallway towards them.
"Lord Drunk Harmless and Hilarious," Dawkins replied cheerfully, "terribly entertaining, can we keep him?"
"Drunks are only entertaining when you aren't the one responsible for getting them home safely," the cop pointed out as he nodded greeting to the eldest princess.
"Fine," his subordinate responded promptly, "you can keep him, I'll just visit."
Gulch snorted, "Because that's just what I needed, another one of those," casting a wary glance down the hall he asked, "We're right by the Royal Apartments, you sure he's harmless?"
"Well he did say he was in the midst of a dastardly plan but no worries, I sent him to the Tin Man," smiling innocently at the expression on his commander's face he shrugged, "He insisted on seeing him."
"Cain should be able to handle him," Az mused contemplatively.
"Yes, but don't the nobility get upset when someone shoots one of them?" the policeman wondered.
"Just a little," commented the irrepressible Dawkins, "but the lord was so set on seeing him, I was just trying to be helpful."
"Riiiight," Gulch said dryly, "and you are only edging in that direction because Princess Azkadellia wanted to check on DG."
"Actually, I did," Az began, but she cut off when an enraged bellow echoed down the hall, "Was that Cain?" She saw Dawkins beginning to turn then her Othersider's hand flashed out, grabbed her wrist and hauled her forward into him. There was a sudden loud crashing as Dawkins was sent sprawling into a nearby suit of armour, her hair stirred in the wind of the Tin Man's passing. Azkadellia realized all this after the fact, at that particular moment, however, she was rather distracted by her interesting position of being plastered against Gulch's chest. The currently off-duty guard commander wasn't wearing his Kevlar vest.
"Urgh," Dawkins groaned, picking himself up, "What's that about?"
"DG," the cop said simply. His voice rumbled a bit when you got in this close, the eldest princess discovered.
"She went to bed," Az objected.
Gulch grunted sceptically. From below came the splintering sound of door being opened with extreme force. Dawkins hastened to the window and, to Azkadellia's disappointment, Gulch steadied her on her feet and followed.
"In that corner we have the Royal Army," he was muttering as she decided to join them. Cain was sprinting across the courtyard towards the main gate which happened to be filled by a returning army column, ordered back to Central City for reassignment. They marched with military discipline, in neat, orderly lines...right up until the moment the Tin Man hit them like a wrecking ball. The damage was all on the army's side as Cain ploughed through, shedding soldiers and disappearing shortly thereafter into the night. "And in this corner we have Wyatt Moses-was-my-gentler-pacifist-cousin Cain," Gulch finished under his breath.
"What was that?" Dawkins asked.
"Nothing," the Othersider sighed, "I'd better make sure there were no casualties and see if I can find out what's up."
Azkadellia and her guard looked at the ceiling in puzzlement. "You know," Dawkins interjected, "someone ought to make sure the lord's okay. Lot of old resistance fellows in that unit," he commented idly, glancing down at the chaos below.
The cop paused. "Perhaps it would be best if you double-checked to make sure DG isn't in her room, Princess," he suggested, "Dawkins can deal with the lord while you're at it."
"You did that on purpose," the eldest princess accused her guard once the policeman had gone.
"As your on-duty guard I go where you go, Your Highness," he intoned solemnly.
"And you want to go this way."
"Would I dare to dictate the direction of my charge?" the bodyguard responded with feigned shock.
DG was not in her room, and the drunken lord was right where the Tin Man had presumably left him – standing at Cain's door, informing it that he hadn't finished speaking yet. He was eventually coaxed into being shepherded back to his own quarters. Dawkins was unable to glean anymore information regarding the dastardly plan – mostly because the tired drunk's slurring had become increasingly impossible to understand – so they left him in the charge of his servants and with very little effort, the eldest princess managed to persuade her guard that they should investigate the disturbance in the courtyard. Azkadellia had to report DG's absence after all.
Jeb and Gulch were standing opposite each other in the main palace doorway when they arrived. Their conversation was polite, professional, their body language anything but. The army lieutenant and guard commander may have publicly settled their differences for the sake of Army-Guard relations but it was evident from their respective airs of restrained hostility that neither had truly forgiven nor forgotten anything. Lieutenant Cain's eyes flicked to the eldest princess briefly as she approached before returning to his glaring match with Gulch. Her Othersider, meanwhile, never looked away from the dratted boy, but the second she was in reach the cop pulled her behind him.
"And you have no idea where he was going, or why?" Jeb inquired through politely gritted teeth.
"DG's not in her room," Az took the opportunity to announce.
"Which explains why," Gulch rumbled, "Where was probably supplied by a certain drunken lord that wished to speak to him," he glanced inquiringly at Dawkins.
"Incomprehensible," the guard supplied.
His commander nodded. "And to what do we owe the pleasure of your company?" the cop asked in a tone that really stretched the bounds of politeness to breaking.
"Have their billeting orders," the lieutenant replied, jerking his head in the direction of the reformed army column, "Now if you don't mind...now what?" Jeb cut off as another commotion disturbed the moonlit courtyard.
The army column was parting once more as soldiers scrambled back to make way. The Tin Man had returned, his anger palpable even at this distance, and he was carrying Deeg in his arms. With a little choke of alarm, Az stepped forward, worried that harm had come to her sister, but Gulch hauled her back again. A hush fell over the courtyard as Cain strode determinedly towards the palace, the soldiers scarce daring to breathe lest they draw his attention. The Tin Man paid them no mind but marched straight up the steps, passing between his son and the Othersider without any indication he realized they were there. DG, meanwhile, proved to be unharmed, merely exceedingly drunk as her slurred monologue vacillated erratically between angry rants and bouts of tears. Cain kept on walking right through the Great Hall and the door beyond.
There was a moment of continued silence then, "Holy sh-" lieutenant and commander began simultaneously.
"-it," Jeb concluded as Gulch finished with, "-ish kabobs."
The Othersider blinked a few times then said, "You do what you were here to do, I've got to inform whoever let DG out that they'd best get their affairs in order. Dawkins, I hope you got that lord out of the way...Dawkins?"
But Dawkins was already gone, he had to go where his curious charge went after all, and interesting times had gone that-a-way.