Chapter 35 – That first kiss…

We didn't get to spend more than about ten minutes at the house before Mrs. Weir made it back home. The majority of that time I spent chatting idly with Lindsay and Kim (mainly gloating about our win over the Colonel), while Sam, Bill and Neal all played some video game in the living room. His other two friends had left while we were dealing with the Andopolis situation. There was a sense of tension between Kim and I that Lindsay was no doubt picking up on, but she was kind enough not to try to pry at it. While we talked, the two girls fell into bouts of hysterics as they reminisced about their cross-country trip to follow the Dead. I listened, drinking in all the information they shared and growing a little envious that I had yet to have as good of a time doing anything up to that point in my life that resulting in as much fun and good times as they had experienced.

Once Linds' mom arrived, we snuck out the back door and tried to remain out of sight as we went back to the car. The ride back to my house was silent and long... and it wasn't the kind of enjoyable silence like we had experienced at the hospital cafeteria. As I drove and tried to figure out how to fix my fumble, I realized I had screwed up not just once, but twice.

"Kim, I'm sorry," I said quickly, shutting the ignition off after parking next to her car. She was already reaching for the door handle, so I knew I had to be fast with my words. She stopped in mid-motion and looked over at me before darting her eyes downward.

"I should've let you finish before I just jumped in there and started interrupting. And I'm really sorry that I... that I can't remember our first kiss. I feel horrible about that, I really do."

She slowly nodded, but kept her eyes away from mine. "It's turned into a really stressful day, so I think I'm just going to go to Erica's and just... chill for the rest of the day."

I didn't want her to go with this staying unresolved. It was important and upsetting to both of us. "Can't we just-"

She was out of the car in a flash; long tendrils of her hair being blown around in a flurry as a gust of wind picked up. Brushing the frenzied hair out of her face, Kim made the transition from car to car in less time than it took me to untangle myself from the seat belt and open my door. I sunk into my seat and moaned out in defeat. She was hurt and not interested in talking it out (which was something else entirely that I would have to talk with her about). The only way to stop her at that point would've been by standing behind her car... and even that wasn't a guarantee. Barely three days getting comfortable with one another again and we had already hit a snag.

Nick called a few hours after I made it in, totally ecstatic about his reprieve from an army-based future. Never before had I ever heard anyone say 'thank you' so many times in a fifteen minute conversation. It almost became annoyingly redundant at one point and it was a welcomed relief when he started asking about Lindsay and exactly how the conversation went. Then the chat got a little weird when he started asking me what I knew about constellations and refused to tell me why he was inquiring after I told him that all I remembered about that stuff was that the North Star was in one of the Dippers.

A little while later my dad walked into the dining room and took a seat at the opposite end of the table. I had a playbook out in front of me, but I was only half-studying it while trying to figure out what drummer-boy was up to at the same time.

"We're a bit of a mess without your mother around, aren't we?" he asked, making the question sound rhetorical.

I looked up and propped my head on the palm of my hand, cupping my cheek. "Because we only had macaroni and cheese for dinner?"

"Yes, among other things," he laughed.

"I just want her to be better."

"I know, son, me too. I, um..." He cleared his throat before continuing. "I stopped by the hospital after work to talk with the attending doc. They said that they think she's doing mildly better, but they're not one-hundred percent sure, either. They also said she didn't have any visitors all day. Didn't feel like dropping by?"

I let my hand fall to the table and shook my head, looking over to the side of the room in a slight shame. I could have gone over there after Kim left, but I was just so... "No, I didn't exactly feel like it today."

"Is everything alright, son? You seem pretty quiet... and down."

I felt bad because I knew he was genuinely concerned, but there wasn't anything he could do to help me with my dilemma. "It just... wasn't a great day." Well, it partly was, but he didn't need to know about the whole Nick situation.

"Did you and Kim get into some sort of disagreement?"

My eyes drifted back to him and I let out a long, deep breath. "We just- I forgot about something that was really important."

"Aha," my dad sat back in his seat as if I had just told him the whole story of what went down. "You forgot her birthday, didn't you? I forgot your mother's birthday once when we were dating."

I raised an eyebrow and shook my head. "No, Kim's birthday is at the end of April. I forgot... just something else that was really important."

"Well, have you two talked about it?"

"Tried that. Why do you think I'm so down? She remembers, but I don't and she's hurt about that."

"Okay, so have you asked her to just tell you what it is that you don't remember?"

"Dad, come on." I gave him a look of ridicule. "I already tried that too, and it didn't work out so well."

"And neither is you continuing to not remember. Give it another shot... at least that would mean you're trying."

I pursed my lips together at the slight agitation of the fact that he had a good point. Perhaps I could've worded it better than the lame 'I need a refresher here' line.

"Speaking of Kim, though, can I have a look at those notes she put together about lupus? I've been interested in reading them since yesterday."

"Yeah, sure," I nodded and stood up, staring at him for a moment. "Did you really forget about mom's birthday once?"

"Just get the damn notes," he laughed with a shake of his head, confirming the tale.

It wasn't until the end of the week that Kim and I talked with one another again, though it wasn't through lack of trying by either of us. With just four players competing for the top two spots on the team and the realization that cuts were a very real thing and likely going to occur on a weekly basis, I became entranced with trying to step-up my game... as did my three competitors. If I wasn't practicing at school, I was either at Brett's or Alex's, practicing and goofing off with my closest teammates. If I wasn't practicing, I was at the hospital, trying to be by my mother's side as often as possible. When I did have time to try to contact Kim, her cousin's line was either busy or it just rang endlessly. I wasn't being ignored, though, as my father relayed, on no less than three occasions, that Kim had called while I was out and wanted me to call her back. It was just a case of bad timing on both our parts.

My mother was released from the hospital on Saturday, just less than a week after being admitted. Once she started showing signs of her lupus flair (and its personality altering affects) going into remission, the doctors thought it would be a good idea for her to come out of the ordeal in a familiar setting. While things were still touch and go throughout the day of her return, we all hoped and prayed that the 'fix' would actually work out the way it should and keep her herself once she made a full recovery.

As Saturday night rolled around and a call to Erica's apartment resulted in yet another busy signal, I decided to head out to see if I could just catch up with Blondie face to face. It had been raining on and off through the day, and we were once again receiving a downpour as I made my way through the twists and turns of Chippewa's streets. I reached the apartment building, hastily made my way to the third floor and my hand simply hovered in front of door 336D. I didn't know how Kim would react to me just showing up. I had no idea if she would still be pissed about my blunder from Tuesday, if I should bring it up right away or leave it alone completely. Releasing a hefty sigh, and still completely unsure of what I should if I was lucky enough for her to even answer, I knocked on the door.

As I impatiently waited for something... anything, I ran my hand down my face, wiping away a trickle of rainwater that had worked its way through my hair and began to tickle its way down my forehead. A moment later, I shook my zip-up hoodie and sent small droplets everywhere, nearly sprinkling Kim with water as the door opened a mere second after I finished.

"Hi," I said as she stood in the open doorway and just stared at me with no defined expression. Behind her, on the couch with the phone practically glue to the side of her face, sat Erica, who was courteous enough to throw a big smile and wave my way when she checked to see who was at the door.

With her face slowly transitioning to a look that I knew wasn't good, Kim finally questioned, "I can't even believe that I have to ask this, but do you remember now?" She stepped outside, closing the door behind her and putting her hands on her hips.

"I-"

Don't lie.

"No." I shook my head in shame and looked down. I hadn't avert my eyes enough to miss her contorting her face in annoyance, clicking her tongue slightly and bringing her arms up to cross her chest in my peripheral vision.

She shook her head and angrily brushed passed me, stopping just a foot or two away in front of the metal railing that ran across the outer edge of the third-floor walkway.

"Kim," I began, not a hint of anger in my voice at her hostile treatment as I understood that this was truly how she ticked when on guard like she was, "at the hospital, you said you wanted honesty. As agonizingly stupid as I feel admitting it, it's the honest truth- I can't remember... but I'm asking you to help me to."

After a few second of silence passed, I pushed a little more. "Could you at least talk to me? Tell me what you're thinking? Anything?"

"I'm trying to decide if I should just go back inside and slam the door in your face or not," Kim yelled, her voice echoing in the open air the height of the third floor provided. Her next words were spoken quieter, but in no less of a fierce tone. "That kiss was really important to me, you know? And it should be to you, too!"

There was some sense of instant relief in that she did not turn around and go back inside, in that she wanted to talk and it wasn't something she was going to just hold over my head in silence.

"It is Kim," I stepped closer to her, putting my hands on her shoulders even though she refused to turn around and look at me. "And I want to remember. Maybe just, I dunno, walk me through what happened, when it happened." I felt like an idiot for even suggesting such a thing, but I had no idea what else to do.

My proposal was met with another round of silence.

"Please, Kim. I'm tryin' here. Help me."

There was a huff of anger before she finally responded. "This is the one time I wish you were taking a joke too far. You really don't remember, do you? And all this time I thought you were being sweet and holding true to our promise. Then again, I guess that means you really weren't trying to be an asshole to me that night, either." Shivering ever so slightly, she turned around to face me, causing me to drop my arms to my sides. "That pain shot really did knock you for a loop, huh?"

Pain shot? Oh shit...

"The day of the basketball regional finals?"

"Duh!" she declared, followed by another short stint of shivering. "How could you forget, Donovan?" There was so much disappointment in her voice that it stung more than her anger at the matter.

"Maybe I haven't. Let's stop saying that I forgot, okay? Maybe there's just something in my head blocking it and I need a hand getting passed it. Maybe I just need a little jolt." I realized that she only had a t-shirt on and not an extra layer of clothing like I had. The rainy day had been rather gray as well, with the clouds obscuring the sun at almost all times. The night was much colder than we had been accustomed to since summer had started. I hastily unzipped my hoodie and peeled it off, draping it over Kim's shoulders a second later.

"You're lucky I don't electrocute your ass to give you that little jolt. At least you still know how to be a gentleman," she said, a small giggle following her last statement.

I smiled at the sound of her laugh, unable to stop myself.

"Ya know, you're lucky I'm laughing about any of this." A small grin was now shaping her lips. "After your mom brought us back to your house from the hospital, I was laying down with you, waiting until you dozed off to call Daniel and have him pick me up. Your stubborn ass was taking forever to actually fall asleep, as usual." As she talked, Kim moved to the wall next to the door and leaned against it, sliding down into a sitting position within seconds. I mimicked her almost immediately, not wanting to lose any sort of closeness we may have been rebuilding. "You kept apologizing about the split cut in my lips and then, while we lied there looking at each other, you scooted closer and kissed me."

Suddenly flashes of what Kim described began to spark in my mind. We did kiss before and her lips were just as soft and tantalizing then as they were a month later. I only remembered bits and pieces, but I clearly recalled a few key things. "I... oh wow, I remember that now."

"You should, jerk!" She was trying to sound serious, but her grin was full-on now and not helping her cause in seeming nearly as angry as she had before. She bundled up in the hoodie a little more, the material around her shoulders had slightly bunched together when she shifted down the wall. "I don't even know if I believe you, though. Prove it. What do you remember?"

I slid my arm behind her neck, wrapping my hand over her shoulder and gently pulling her closer to me to provide a little extra heat. "Um..." I closed my eyes and smiled, thinking about the distant memory as hard as I could. "I kept trying not to push on your cut, but really kiss you at the same time..." As I heard her release a soft giggle from beside me, more of the moment came to mind, somehow materializing out of the fog it was wrapped under in my mind. I suddenly remembered why I woke up with a certain slippery taste of strawberry on my lips later that night. "That damn strawberry lip balm instantly adhered to my mouth and... the way you smiled at me that night," I finished, my smile simply beaming at the last recollection. My eyes, however, popped open a second later as dots connected in my head on the subject of something else entirely. My sudden recollection, paired with Lindsay's surprise from earlier in the day, made the whole 'date' situation even clearer. "Wait, is that why you kept scaring potential dates away from me a few weeks later?" I turned slightly to look at her.

More silence as she looked down, but brought her head up only a moment later as I watched her try to contain a bout of laughter.

"Maybe. I mean, that wasn't my only reason, but I may have been a tiny bit jealous. Really though, I thought you were doing that to actually make me jealous. So, what you weren't trying to do at all... somehow worked."

And here I thought I came up with complex stuff in my head...

"Anyway, I'm sure it wasn't the most romantic thing in the world, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't make my heart begin to race when you made your move. I must have looked shocked or something, I know I felt like it. But, when you saw my face, you looked so disappointed, so I kissed you back. Not out of sympathy for your sudden puppy dog eyes or anything, but... because I really wanted to. Then we kissed again... and again and we just kept at it, smiling and giggling like the two idiots we are. After a few minutes, I realized what we had done, like really realized it, and I knew we had to stop before we went too far. I made you promise that we would just forget about what happened, and told you to close your eyes and go to sleep and for once, you actually listened to me. I was watching you sleep, still trying to figure out what the hell just happened, when your mom walked into the room and thought we were both out, so she turned off the light and shut the door slightly. I guess, in the end, I just wanted to live in that moment for a little while longer... so I stayed there next to you and eventually fell asleep, too."

I was left breathless by the story, not just by what she said, but by how she said it as well. The emotions she displayed both in her words and through her voice while recalling the full account made me realize how truly in love with her I was and it sparked a hope that maybe, just maybe, she felt the same. I wanted to tell her right then and there. "I-"

Before I could get more than the first word out, paranoia infected my brain.

'The dumbest thing you can do- let a girl know how much that you like her. Then they just run'. Those are words of wisdom right there, and she already ran once before when you opened up.

I wanted to shake off the stupid memory of a warning, to just ignore it and continue on with those three words... but they were not stuck in my throat and were not going any further.

"Now do you see why Daniel said we were bad people and why I need reassurance that we're actually not?"

I closed my eyes and grated my teeth, inattentively rubbing the back of my neck with my free hand. There went that golden moment of opportunity.

Fuck you, Paranoia!

"Can I see why he would say that now? Yeah, I guess."

A distinct scoff suddenly chirped from beside me and my eyes snapped open.

"Wow, thanks a lot, Donovan. You really know how to make a girl feel better."

Act fast to pull her away from that cliff again, dumbass.

"No, wait, hold on. I said I can see why he would say that, I mean you two were still together at that time, but I never said I agreed with it. He can feel whatever he wants to feel and no one can say he's wrong, but... Kim, we're not bad people."

"Why? You and I both know that is a really shitty thing to do to a person."

Of course she would have to ask 'why'...

"Because... because..." The thought of reminding her that he had done the same thing to her ran through my mind, but even a village idiot would've known that was a horrible idea.

I could almost feel her hanging on my words then, looking for that explanation that would release her of the guilt that Daniel brought to the surface. A word popped into my head and I grabbed ahold of it, blurting it out without anything to follow.

"Intent!"

"What?" Kim asked in an odd mix of amusement and confusion.

"Um... we're not bad people because..." I let out a single, nervous laugh as a sentence slowly formed. "I mean consider this- we didn't intend to hurt anyone by doing what we did. It wasn't a malicious or shameful act; we just... wanted to kiss each other."

"So... we're not bad, we're just selfish?"

"Oh god," I groaned. "You're impossible."

I heard her begin to laugh before she snuggled in closer to me as we sat side by side and looked out at the small town night life scene being painted before us. Street lights were throwing their amber hue on the wet concrete below them, creating a soft glow that spread as far as the eye could see. The lights reflected off of buildings and signs just as much, coating the whole small section of Chippewa we could see in a rather beautiful outline.

I grinned in hopes that, despite her lambasting question, my reaching answer was somewhat satisfactory to her. We sat outside and cuddled for a few more minutes, sparse words being shared, but both of us knowing we were drinking in the picture before us.

"Hey, since you're here and all, wanna go inside and see if we can get Erica off the phone so you two can finally meet?" she asked, a certain sense of innocence returning to her voice that I hadn't heard since she had talked with her ex.

I smiled and nodded. "Yeah, that would be nice. Besides, as gorgeous as the scene in front of us is, it's cold as shit out here and I wanna get you back to some warmth."

It was quite obvious that Kim had, at the very least, coached Erica on certain things that she was not allowed to speak on when we met, and the status of our relationship (or lack thereof) must have been on that list, as it did not even make a hint of an appearance.

While formally meeting Erica was nice, and resulted in more than a few embarrassing stories of Kim being shared with me, I didn't stay for more than an hour. I had practice with Alex and Brett in the morning and after that it was back home to make sure things continued to improve for my mother. Kim had early-morning plans as well, from the sounds of it. While she called it 'an exercise in agony', Erica was all for the idea of Kim at least trying to sit down with her folks and attempting to smooth things over so she could come back home. As we said our goodbyes and goodnights, there was an urge to tell Blondie to let me know if things got bad and she needed me, but I knew Kim was stronger than that when it came to the adult figures in her life. She didn't let them get to her in the same way she let her friends and peers get to her.

After I made it home I immediately flopped into my bed, but it took a little while for sleep to actually set in. Thoughts of how I owed Kim a better response to her 'bad people' concern plagued my mind, easily preventing me from drifting off. The biggest question, though, was if there was a better response than what I had managed to scrape by with.