Chapter 36
NPOV
"Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments. Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove: O no! It is an ever-fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken…"i Jacob stopped my lips with a kiss. He lifted the book from my lap and eased me down onto the rug before the hearth.
"I am more interested in the marriage of true bodies than that of minds at the moment," he said as he kissed my neck and began to untie the bindings of my robe.
"You are a peasant. To be distracted from the wonderful words of the bard by so base an inclination," I teased as I wound my hands through his inky mane.
"Really?" he said lifting his face to look at me. "Very well, I accept your challenge."
"What challenge?"
"If Mr. Shakepeare's words are what you need to be seduced, so be it." His next words were said in a silky and seductive tone and made me melt beneath him. "Hear my soul speak: the very instant that I saw you, did my heart fly to your service.ii"
Hearing him say such words made my own heart flutter. I longed for such words to be true, but I too could play this game. If he wanted to compare wits he would not find mind lacking. I rolled him onto his back and began my own assault.
"My bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love as deep; the more I give to thee, the more I have for both are infinite.iii" I kissed his chest and ran my tongue across his nipples. He sighed and I hoped that he understood that I had meant every word. It was true. Each day I grew more and more in love with him.
I slid down his muscled stomach, kissing and licking. My hands followed where my lips had led. I was almost at the prize when he sat up and looked me in the eye. There was a question there, but he did not voice it. Instead he pulled me to him and we came together. In a moment he was sheathed within me. I felt instantly filled and oh so close to him. He held me still and just breathed.
"A heaven on earth I have won by wooing thee.iv" he said as he began to move. He lifted my back until I was straddling him as he moved beneath me. He kissed me deeply and we moved in synchronicity. He then pulled his face back and held me, looking deeply into my eyes. Each pulse forward felt as if it touched my very soul and I felt my heart begin to tremble within my breast.
"One half of me is yours, the other half is yours. Mine own, I would say; but if mine, then yours, and so all yours.v" I said as I felt my inner muscles begin to clench. He urged me on with his manhood and his kisses. His eyes searched my face with an urgency, but I did not know what he sought.
My breath hitched as I felt closer to completion, but I wanted him to reach it with me. I tightened my inner muscles to coax his release and in a frenzied to and fro we both plummeted of the highest of peaks, shattering into a million pieces and then coming back together in each other's arms. I collapsed in his arms. He held me close, kissing my shoulder, my neck, and finally my lips. I sighed because it had been so intense.
"Doubt that the stars are fire; Doubt that the sun doth move; Doubt truth to be a liar; But never doubt I love.vi" he whispered. I could feel the tears fall before I could stop them.
Jacob must have felt the fall of water upon his back, because he took my face in his hands and wiped the tears away with the pads of his thumbs. "What? Was I too rough? Did I hurt you? Nessie?"
His thoughtful consideration made my longing so much worse. He lifted me from his lap, sliding from my depths and the loss of contact and cool of the air between us chilled me to the core. He carried me, sliding me between the sheets, and following me in. He pulled the counter plane over us and held me tightly in his arms. "I did not mean to be carried away by my passion. Sometimes I am over-whelmed by your perfection. Forgive me. I would not hurt you for the world."
"You didn't," I almost lied. It was true, he had not injured me physically, it was the words that had cut like knives. No matter the sweetness of the words, he had not meant them. It had been a game to him, and I feared that as long as that were true, it would never be enough. "I was just overwhelmed by the beauty of the words and the passion of the moment."
"Do you think he was onto something?" Jacob asked as he cradled my head against his chest.
"Who?"
"Mister Shakespeare? I wonder sometimes if he understood something most mortals never do."
"You mean love?"
"Yes. Although I have never believed 'It is an ever-fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken.'vii I think that Master Shakespeare may have gotten that last bit wrong," he said lazily. We often discussed the sonnets, deciding between us what we agreed with and what we thought missed the mark.
"How so?" I asked.
He sat up and faced me, taking my hands in his and drawing slow circles on their backs. "Well, I mean, feelings alter when the object of your affection behaves badly, don't you agree?"
I didn't, but I was curious as to where his train of thought was leading. "What do mean?"
"Your past paramour, for example," he said, his eyes glued to my hands. "Surely your affection waned when he deserted you."
I swallowed hard. I knew he had no inkling that he spoke of himself. "Are you implying that I should have loved him less?"
"Once he proved himself a fool… Yes."
"What kind of love would that be? To react with no consideration for the circumstances faced by the other person? No, I think Shakespeare was flawless in his interpretation." I said. "You have not lost all feeling for the woman from your past."
"Quite the contrary," he said emphatically, "when I discovered her duplicity my love was replaced with hatred."
There was such heat in his tone that I knew he was deluding himself. "I have read that love and hate are two sides of the same coin. Hating someone you once loved is not so different than loving them. They still consume you with a firestorm of emotion. They reside within your heart whether in love or hate, and the space they occupy remains theirs. A heart filled with hate has no room for new love to fill."
His eyes flew to my face with a look of concern. "Do you mean to say that you do not hate the man who was such a scoundrel that he hurt you?"
"Not for one instant," I stated honestly.
"How can that be? He must be the most insufferable idiot in all of England. Had I a moment in his presence I would tell him what a colossal ignoramus he was for letting you slip through his fingers. I would like to throttle him. I could ring his neck for having hurt so pure a soul as you." He spoke with such vehemence and vitriol that I shuddered. He felt it in my hands and pulled them to his chest. "I wager I hate him enough for both of us."
"Do not say that!" I said snatching my hands from his grasp. "I'll not have you speak of him so. It is wrong."
He stiffened before me. "It is wrong to defend my wife?"
"No, of course not, and I find your defense endearing. It is just that… To pass judgment over anyone's choices without fully understanding their motivations or circumstances seems wrong. Can you say that your choices would always be viewed in a good light? That you have never caused pain to those around you with a carless word or deed? I am certain that my life would not illicit universal praise. Even you would have it sanitized for public consumption."
"That is for your protection, not because I think you have anything of which to be ashamed," he said putting his hands upon my shoulders. "Your goodness is beyond reproach and I do not for a moment believe that anyone could find fault with your choices or actions."
"Really? What about my choice to allow my virginity to be auctioned off to the highest bidder?"
"That was not your choice. Mrs. Cope was forcing you into that life."
"You know that, but imagine you didn't and all you had to judge me on was the choice. You feared what your father would think. Can you say that had you not known me you would have viewed the event with such compassion?"
Jacob thought for a moment and answered honestly. "I suppose not. Still, I feel the man triumphant, for I won your hand, and your past love will never again have the chance to hurt you."
I averted my eyes and nodded silently. Jacob draped me across his chest again and sank back into the bed. How could I tell him that his continued blindness about how much I loved him was hurting me now?
Hearing the vehemence with which he railed against his first love made it clear that he had not put that hurt in the past. She still held a large portion of his heart. More than I could hold. He was not free to love me. He had to purge her first. How could I win a heart already devoted to another? 'Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind'viii as Shakespeare said, and Jacob's eyes saw only pain and hurt when looking at love. How could I open his eyes to the possibilities that love could be warm and wonderful? I needed guidance. Tomorrow I would write to Esme for advice.
When the day dawned I found that my eyelids remained heavy. Jacob kissed me and attempted to rouse me with sweet affection. I opened my eyes and smiled wanly.
"It is Friday, my angel and I have another gift for you," he said in a gleeful voice.
I groaned and rolled over covering my head with a pillow.
"Come on, Ness. I promise you will like it."
Jacob had been giving me small gifts each day since our wedding. He seemed to revel in it, although it made me uncomfortable. I had never had much in my life, so each new cadeau made me feel more and more uncomfortable.
"I have liked everything you have given me," I confessed. "I just cannot get used to being showered with gifts. It makes me feel so very ill at ease. I have nothing to give you in return. It points out how unbalanced this marriage is," I confessed glumly.
Jacob lifted the pillow and turned my head toward him with a finger. "It is unbalanced, Little Bird. You give me so much each and every moment and all I can give are small tokens to express my gratitude."
"I give you nothing?" I said confusedly.
"You give me a chance to mend things with my father. You give me your sweetness and your goodness. One day, I pray you will give me an heir. Now get up, it will be arriving at ten."
I rose and went to 'my room.' I did not thin k of it that way. I never slept there after that first afternoon. I only used it as a dressing room. Jane dressed me in a simple day dress and I tied my hair loosely with a ribbon. Jacob preferred it down and as we were not entertaining while we were here it was something small I could give him.
I found myself nodding off as Jane combed through the curls and she laughed lightly. "His lordship must be wearing you out Miss, I have never seen you so sleepy of a morning."
"Jane…" I scolded. Although we had a rather informal way of speaking, this seemed unseemly.
"I'm sorry, M'lady."
Her face fell and she did not lift her eyes again. She looked so forlorn I could not bear it. "It's alright, Jane, it is just… I am really quite fatigued this morning. Perhaps I will catch a nap later. I would appreciate it if you would stand guard and keep the servants away so that I can get some rest."
"Of course my lady."
"Thank you Jane," I said giving her hand a pat.
I rose and made my way down the stairs. I could hear voices in the downstairs hall and paused, trying to make out the voices. Jacob must have heard my foot fall for he called up to me.
"Little Bird, come and greet your gift."
I turned on the landing and saw him. He looked to me as he always had. In my eyes he had not aged a day. His hair was still a bit shaggy and over-long. He was dressed in his usual black suit that always seemed a bit dusty and he still stood straighter than any man I had ever known. His mustache and beard were salt and pepper now, but I could not swear they were not always so.
I walked toward him slowly, exactly as he had taught me. I stopped three steps from him and lifted my hand to him, offering the back. "Monsieur Alistair, mon cher ami, quel plaisir de vous revoir."ix
He took my hand and bowed over it. "Toujours mon meilleur étudiant."x
I turned to Jacob. "A finer gift you could not have given me than a visit from my dear friend."
"Oh he is here in another capacity as well," Jacob beamed. "Monsieur Alistair has agreed to be your dancing master. I could trust no one else to ensure your comfort and competence in so delicate a subject."
I turned to Monsieur Alistair, he nodded and I flung myself at my husband with elation. "Oh Jacob, it is the most wonderful gift you could ever give me."
He kissed me, sweetly then leaned into my ear and said "To see that smile and get that reaction I would move mountains. I am so glad you are pleased."
"Pleased? I am ecstatic." With that I turned from Jacob and looped my arm though Monsieur Alistair's arm and led him to the breakfast room.
i William Shakespeare- Sonnet 116 v1- 3
ii William Shakespeare- Tempest, 3.1.60-3
iii William Shakespeare- Romeo and Juliet, 2.2.139- 41
iv William Shakespeare- All's Well That Ends Well, 4.2.76
v William Shakespeare- Merchant of Venice, 3.2.17-9
vi William Shakespeare- Hamlet, 2.2.123-6
vii William Shakespeare- Sonnet 116 v3
viii William Shakespeare- Midsummer Night's Dream, 1.1.234
ix "What a pleasure to see you again."
x "Always my best student."