AN:
It's been a lot longer than intended, guys. My apologies for that, but life decided to be a bastard. Between multiple family birthdays, own included, a family crisis, applying to go back to school and upgrade my degree and health issues, I just couldn't sit down and do this emotionally chaotic chapter.
It is nice and long, though, so enjoy it, alrighty?
Key notes: In this chapter, there are some German words you may or may not get by inference etc. Here's your quick guide:
Mein schönes Mädchen= My beautiful young girl
Ja=Yes
der Junge= the young man
Fraulein= unmarried woman
Schnell-Quickly! Fast!
Jawohl=Yes, indeed! (emphatic)
Schwarzwalder Kirschtorte=Black Forest Cake (ZOMG epic win)
mein Zuckerpuppchen=My sugardoll
Deine Mutti=Your Mom
Verdammt richtig=Damn right!
meine Süsse=My sweetheart
Können Sie mich helfen=Can you help me?
Bitte=Please
You can google up Bella's neighbourhood via Google maps; look for West Polk and 13th street near University Park.
I own my own wild ideas and two different versions of Donnie Darko; Meyer owns Twilight, and would probably be appalled at what I do with her characters. Whoops!
Playlist for the chapter:
Dancing - Elisa
Goodbye - Patty Griffin
Useless Desires - Patty Griffin *quoted*
5 1/2 Minute Hallway - Poe *cue when they go upstairs*
Ghost - Howie Day
It Can't Rain All The Time - Jane Siberry
You Found Me - The Fray
Castle On A Cloud - Les Miserables
Playlist! casket4mytears[dot]wordpress[dot]com/2010/05/11/tattoos-like-mile-markers-breaking-down-the-playlist/
Special note for FF readers: Due to their URL restrictions, you may see strange looking links in 'Tweets'. This is why I recommend reading this story in particular on Twilighted if you have the option. :p on you, FF!
February 27, 2010
Phoenix, Arizona
It was instinctual, even after a few years and far too much alcohol; Bella marvelled at her inner radar kicking in the moment she ignited the engine of the rental car. Edward didn't question her as to their destination, instead settling into the passenger seat and flipping through the radio stations in search of something appealing. After several minutes of irritated surfing, Bella chuckled and dug into her purse, withdrawing her iPod and its adapter and plopping them unceremoniously in his lap.
"Bitchella to the rescue!"
"You know it, babe. Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a major label purchase of airtime..."
"And with more taste that the entire staff of Rolling Stone, combined?" Edward mused, scrolling through her library.
"Absofuckinglutely," Bella replied. "Pick something, already."
"I have picked something, Impatient Pants. It's just a matter of hitting it on this monster list of – Finally!"
Bella drummed her fingers on the steering wheel as the speakers flooded with an older Arcade Fire track, one ridiculously well suited for driving slightly above the limit down a major thoroughfare. Edward never disappointed with his taste in music; it was one of the things about him that made her understand that, unlike anyone she'd dated previously – Jake included – Edward was the sort of guy who could be that mystical 'One' that Cosmo babbled about incessantly. Never one previously to subscribe to romance, Bella had changed her tune early in their relationship, singing its archaic praises. This entire trip was evidence of how well he understood her, how much he genuinely cared for her happiness. Only days before he'd handed her the envelope with the e-tickets printed out, a post-it attached explaining the purpose of the trip, she'd told Michelle how much it hurt her not to be able to visit her mother's grave at will. But Edward had known from weeks into their relationship, according to Alice; he'd planned it for months! Bella struggled to come up with a gesture of the same magnitude, but drew a blank, her heart and head heavy with memories of another time. Instead, her hand reached out to cover his, thumb stroking along the warm skin. He sighed in that contented way that made her grin, and her eyes returned to the road, watching for her turn.
"Up ahead, on the right, is my middle school," Bella commented absently.
Edward chuckled, "Troop Bella School?"
"Shut up!"
Edward laughed, his hand reaching out to brush her hair back, "Come on; if I can't tell anyone, I have to be able to make private reference to the subject."
"I suppose," Bella muttered, feigning indignation. "And there's my diner, where many an afternoon was spent cramming for tests with Katie."
"Who's Katie?"
"One of my best friends here. I've lost touch with her recently, with all of the... well, bipolarity. I really owe her an email. She goes to NYU now." Bella frowned, guilt flooding her as she recalled how close they'd been throughout the years. She deserves better than me bailing out on her like I have. She was like the big sister I always wanted.
"I'll remind you when we get home to give her a shout," Edward offered, flipping through the iPod and settling on Smashing Pumpkins this time. "You know this area well." It was a leading statement, an indirect question as to where they were headed.
"I ought to," Bella replied, turning onto West Polk, headed east. "This is where I grew up."
Edward's eyes roamed both sides of the street, taking in the modest houses and lowrise buildings, the park to their left, where an older couple walked hand in hand. For a brief moment, Bella's mind wandered to a future where she and Edward were that couple, bickering about music. Her heart skipped happily as she shook it off, looking ahead to their next stop.
There was a blue minivan in the driveway, and the garage was painted a fresh white, but little else had changed. Bella parallel parked along the curb, her throat dry as she realized that she hadn't thought this out properly. She had no rights here, no guarantees. And she couldn't bear the thought of ringing a doorbell and facing rejection; no, her anxiety, her fears of imposition were kicking into gear, leaving her breathless.
"Bella? You okay?"
She shook her head, "This was a bad idea. I can't intrude on-"
"This was your home?" he asked gently.
She nodded, her eyes glued to the front picture window, where gauzy white drapes obscured any occupants within. Well, it's not like you could have called ahead, she told herself, willing her pulse to steady. Michelle would think this was perfectly normal. And even standing outside here is better than... not being here, right?
"You're afraid to ask to go inside," Edward ascertained, his arm wrapping around her shoulder and pulling her to him. "Did you want me to ask?"
"No," Bella whispered. "No, I don't want to be a bother."
"I'm sure any decent person would understand, but we're doing things your way. Maybe we can walk around the block, at least?"
Bella smiled, swallowing hard, "You're perfect, you know."
Edward kissed her cheek, "No, I'm not. I should have looked into this back in Forks. Come on; the fresh air will do you good, either way."
Bella hesitated, the sound of Edward's door closing jarring her from her whirling thoughts. Stumbling out onto the grass, Bella shut the door gently, her gaze seeking Edward's face for reassurance. He won't let anything happen. He'll protect you. He met her on the driver's side, embracing her tightly, smoothing her windswept hair as she struggled not to cry anew. This was her childhood home, her safe haven. Seeing it claimed by another family only hammered home the permanence of her mother's passing, and all that was lost in a split second of fear and panic, metal and mangled tissue. Consumed with grief, she was oblivious to the voice calling to her until Edward tapped her shoulder, pulling back to reveal a familiar face.
"Heidi?"
The elderly woman beamed, her white-blonde hair styled in its usual salute to Jackie Kennedy, "Little Bella Swan! Mein schönes Mädchen! It's been so long!"
"I know. I've been living with my dad near Seattle," Bella replied, struggling not to tear up.
"And who is this strapping lad?" Heidi asked, winking. "He's bewitched you, hasn't he?"
"Just like Demetri did to you," Bella giggled. "Heidi, this is Edward Cullen, my boyfriend. Edward, this is Heidi Szakac. She lives across the street, and is the best chosen Nana a girl could ask for."
Edward reached for her hand, winking sneakily at Bella as he bowed and kissed the elderly woman's hand, "Charmed, Frau Szakac."
Heidi gasped, clapping her hands, "Oh, I like this one! You hang onto der Junge, ja?"
"That's my plan," Bella said, flushing crimson, much to Edward and Heidi's amusement. "Where is Demetri?"
"He's off visiting our Felix in Berlin. Just split up from his wife, so he's off to give him the man talking. Did you meet Ellie yet? She's a lovely Fraulein."
Bella tilted her head, confused, "I'm sorry; who's Ellie?"
The sound of a door opening drew Bella's attention, and she looked away in time to see a curvy, youthful blonde wander out of her old home, her hair pulled into a messy bun atop her head. Her t-shirt and jeans were dusted in white powder, and she smiled immediately upon noticing Heidi.
"I thought I heard chatter outside! Who are your friends, Heidi?"
Heidi waved to the approaching woman, "Ellie! I want you to meet someone very special. Come, come! Schnell!"
Ellie, Bella understood. The woman who lives in our old house.
"Ja, ja," Ellie joked, winking. "Hi, I'm Ellie Newcastle." She stretched out her hand, which Edward accepted quickly, to spare a stunned Bella from embarrassment.
"Edward Cullen," he said, "And this is my girlfriend, Bella Swan."
Ellie's eyes immediately widened, her expression a mix of sadness and surprise, as she turned to Heidi, "Your extra granddaughter that you speak of?"
Heidi nodded vigorously, "Jawohl. Mutti and she lived here for so long. Little Bella always falling down, scraping her knees. We fixed it all with a little homemade Schwarzwalder Kirschtorte, eh, Bella?"
Bella blushed, nervously nodding. Oh God, she knows? Oh, she'll feel guilty! I don't want her to feel obligated for anything...
"Schwarz-what?" Edward asked.
"Black Forest Cake," Ellie explained. "You know, with the cherry layers and whipped cream and chocolate cake? And, if made by Heidi, a healthy dose of booze."
Heidi winked, "I just follow the recipe! Now, Bella, I'm so glad to see you, mein Zuckerpuppchen. I didn't have your address for a birthday card or notes."
"I'm sorry," Bella replied earnestly. "We kind of left in a hurry-"
"Ja, Herr Swan took flight quickly. Deine Mutti is missed, dear one. She was the daughter the Lord never gave me."
Heidi's genuine sadness struck Bella, her anxiety giving way to a desire to seek comfort. Wordlessly, she embraced the elderly woman, revelling in the familiar scent of chocolate and faint floral perfume. Heidi hugged her tightly, whispering in German; it was soothing, even if Bella didn't understand a single word of it.
"We came back to do a little visiting," Edward offered up. "I knew she didn't get to take her time and say goodbye to Phoenix."
"That's very sweet of you," Ellie commented. "I visit Anchorage every year, Easter weekend. My parents were taken in a car crash four years ago. I was pregnant with Josh at the time, and it was so hard, knowing they wouldn't see him..." Her voice trailed off as Bella looked to her moist eyes, a knowing glance exchanged. "It helps, to visit. It's a good thing."
"It is..." Bella found she was unable to articulate herself, her tongue tangling around the tumultuous emotions flooding her senses. Too many shades of sadness and regret... There simply weren't enough words.
"Heidi's come to help me with my baking; Josh's preschool asks parents to take turns baking treats for the kids for snacktime. I'm trying to whip up cupcakes without burning down the kitchen. Did you two want to come in for tea, or to, you know...?"
Bella's jaw dropped, "I... I mean, I don't want to-"
"Come inside," Ellie repeated, smiling softly. "Heidi and I insist."
With a nervous smile and a nod, Bella assented, allowing Edward to lead her up the short flight of steps to the front door. The scuffed paint on the frame remained from the time she and Renee had attempted to juggle a large sofa into the house by themselves to save delivery charges. Somehow, this little black blemish pleased her; it proudly declared that she and her mother 'were here', a symbolic scrawling on a stall wall. The foyer was mostly unchanged from Bella's memory, save a small set of hooks at child height near the door – for Josh, Bella assumed.
"The place is a bit of a disaster – most of it courtesy of Josh – but you're welcome to look around," Ellie offered warmly.
"Thank you," Edward answered. "It's kind of you to allow us into your home."
"I'd hope for the same courtesy, if our roles were reversed," Ellie replied, "and it was my son needing closure. Heidi, this icing I've started is looking more like glue. Save me!"
The women puttered down the hallway, Ellie muttering about sugar and colouring, leaving Bella and Edward on the precipice of a living room strewn with toys. Ellie's taste in decor was more subdued than Renee's 'Ikea and a flea market in a blender' approach to furnishings, but the couches and tables looked worn and welcoming – it was no 'designer house'. The practicality of it, and the numerous pictures adorning shelves and the wall, made Bella feel a little more at ease. This was a home of family and love, something she related to.
"Renee... her furniture was... crazy." Bella chuckled. "I remember this one couch she brought home from some estate sale, and it was this bright turquoise shade, with overly rounded ends, like a 1900s psychiatrist couch. But she'd bought it because it was so summery. Come winter, she hated it. It clashed with the Christmas decorations."
Edward laughed, "Why do I sense that happening to Jasper someday, as Alice strolls in the door?"
"Renee and Alice would have gotten along so well. My mom was the opposite of me in shopping; she would try any style, wear any colour if the mood struck her. But unlike your sister, who I love dearly, my mom never tried to dress me up in her image. She just wanted me to be happy. Safe in my own skin. And I was..."
Bella wandered back into the hallway, moving towards the ornate staircase. Sparks of memory flooded her senses, leaving her somewhat breathless: the shrink couch; the time Bella had knocked over a crystal vase days after Renee brought it home, slicing open the bottoms of her feet without noticing in her haste to clean it up; her mother's habit of leaving her coat strewn on the stairs, often tripping Bella. The stairwell of her home was where Renee had filled the walls with photos of Bella, recent pictures near the ground level, ascending to childhood images by the second floor. "It's like watching you grow up all over again," Renee had said. At the time, it seemed overly sentimental; now, Bella saw only her mother's endless love for her daughter, and how she forever seemed to be trying to make amends for splitting up the family.
Reaching the upstairs, Bella shook her head, smiling, "My mom busted me during my first real kiss here. I swore she was downstairs, but no."
"Who was he?" Edward asked playfully.
Bella flushed crimson, "She."
"She?" Edward gasped. "Swan, you've been holding out on my spank bank."
"Like you need one, with all of our recreational time!" Bella fired back, slapping him. "And it was just a one-time deal. Girls practicing for boys. Thankfully, I was able to convince Renee of it before she marched off to gleefully join PFLAG – she had no qualms whatsoever during the ten minutes she thought I was a lesbian. Katie, mercifully, explained the reasons and ended the discussion."
"Ah, this Katie friend surfaces again. I need to meet her," Edward mused, winking.
"Katie was nervous because this guy she liked, he was in high school. This was grade 7 for her, 6 for me. She'd never kissed before, and didn't want him to know. It just seemed logical to practice, and I, being terrified of my own future kisses, agreed. The bathroom was more pastel blue when we lived here," Bella added as she flipped a light switch, eagerly looking to change subjects.
"How was it?"
With a roll of her eyes, Bella turned on the faucet, flicking water at Edward's face. "Cool off, Cullen; I don't kiss and tell."
"So it was good, huh?" Edward grinned, dodging Bella's swinging fist. "Which room was yours?"
"End of the hall on the left."
There were twenty-seven steps to her former bedroom – Bella had counted them once, while horrifically drunk during a sleepover with Katie – twenty-seven steps that now felt like miles. It was beginning to sink in, with each changed item of decor, that her mother existed only in photographs and a small plot in a cemetery. Her chest ached, a gaping hole opening wide anew, seeking sustenance it would never have again. Stepping into her former room, a tear slid down her cheek, as lonely as she'd felt the last time she'd stood here, scrambling to pack her belongings for her waiting father, measuring out what mattered and what could remain. Edward's arms wrapped around her from behind and she sighed in relief, allowing herself to lean into his sturdy warmth.
"Guest room," Edward murmured.
"Definitely not Josh's room," Bella whispered.
"Paint me a picture. What did it look like when you were here?"
Bella closed her eyes, forcing the images to return, mentally rearranging furniture and adjusting the colour palate. "I had a canopy bed, light blue fabric. Renee had never replaced it and I honestly didn't mind since cash was always a bit tight. The comforter was baby blue, which kinda sucked, but it matched." Opening her eyes, she pointed to the corner by the window, "I had my computer desk there – this crazy looking white one from Ikea, with weird ergonomics. Renee loved Ikea. And my quote collage was on the wall beside the window."
"Quote collage?"
"A bulletin board, really," Bella explained. "When I was like twelve, I used to write down my favourite quotes from books and song lyrics in those gel pens on coloured paper, and tack them up. It was full by the time I was 14. I secretly invented Tumblr," Bella joked, laughing quietly. "Even though I stopped adding to it, I left it on the wall. It's in my dad's basement in a storage bin."
"I'd love to see it when we get home," Edward commented, kissing the top of her head. "Where was your music?"
"That wall, although I didn't have much in physical format. I took to iTunes and Limewire pretty young."
"My Bella, the pirate?"
"Indeed! But why is all the rum gone?" Bella quipped. "Did you want to see mom's room? The other one, Renee used it for her office slash random storage of old craft supplies."
"If you're up for it," Edward said softly.
Bella nodded to herself, taking a deep breath, "I have to or I'll kick myself."
"We wouldn't want that; you might fall down the stairs."
Bella groaned, secretly grateful for Edward's ability to continually steer the conversation to lighter topics, happier moments and mental Polaroids. It made the sinking sand in her gut just a little easier to bear, made her footsteps (forty-seven to her mother's door, also counted during her teens) a little bit bolder. The door was half-closed and Bella hesitated, not wanting to intrude too much upon Ellie's incredible generosity. Edward assured her that Ellie would have accompanied them if she'd desired censorship; satisfied with this, Bella counted to three and pushed it open.
The antique dresser and night tables immediately conjured up her mother's taste in estate sale raids, a sucker punch as Bella swore that the dresser was the precise one Renee had owned. The layout of the room was eerily similar, although, aside from the half-made bed, it was far tidier than the 'just survived a hurricane' look of her mother's room.
"Organized chaos, Bella! I know exactly where everything is. If I clean it, I'll lose it," Renee would explain, laughing heartily.
"You okay?" Edward asked.
"Yeah," Bella answered, distracted by the fluttering of the curtains to her left. "It's just... Ghosts..."
The fluttering subsided, the gauzy material coming to rest on the plain white blinds, and Bella edged forward, fixed upon the dresser. If it were... There was a mark, a significant gouge from the time Bella had dropped a hammer. The claw had struck the side, marking it, and although they'd stained and sanded it somewhat, there remained an oblong groove. Renee had named it Stella, much to Bella's horror at her mother's corny sense of humour. Was Stella there?
"Bella?"
"One sec. I have to..."
She kneeled near the farthest corner, afraid to see, her fingers running along the side of the oak, seeking tangible evidence. Eyes could deceive. Eyes could be blinded. Touch was far more reliable. With baited breath, she crept ever closer to where it ought to be –
Nothing.
Her eyes had deceived her after all, even daring to irrationally suggest that her mother's dresser was somehow still here, right where she'd left it that December afternoon. With a sad whimper, Bella leaned back on her legs, bowing her head. Tangles of auburn obscured her pained expression as Edward joined her, his arm wrapping around her shoulders protectively.
"What can I do, Bella?"
She shook her head slightly. There was nothing anyone could do. She'd known it since she'd gotten the call from the hospital. She knew it now. Nothing would ever completely repair the damage two assholes with guns had done to her. She could only carry on, stitch it up, move forward. It just hurt way too fucking much sometimes, and now, her wild hope dashed, she'd hit one of those times.
"She lives inside you," Edward whispered. "In your compassion and humour. In your love of musicals. Nothing can take that piece of her away from you."
"I know," Bella whispered. "I just wish... I didn't have time to think over... What to take – I didn't have time..."
"I'm sorry, Bella. I wish I could turn back time, give you that chance. Try and go to a good memory again, like last night... A time when you felt loved by her."
Bella paused, swiping away the stray tears that had broken free of her shackles of will. Struggling to her feet, she rushed towards the window, craving the sun, and also, needing to see... Surely, with Josh here... And it was there. Bella smiled, turning to Edward.
"I'll show you instead."
It was as if Ellie had read her mind. The moment they'd entered the kitchen, a tornado of flour and sugar smeared with stray egg yolk, she'd smiled and nodded, telling her to look out for stray toys. The rear door still squeaked in protest at every motion, a soothing sound as Bella stepped out onto the grass, beelining for her favourite refuge: the swing.
"Demetri put it up for me when I was eight," Bella began, picking her path to avoid the random Matchbox vehicles, "Spent all day nitpicking the exact lengths of the ropes, endless testing of the seat height... I think Heidi wanted to kill him." Bella paused, facing Edward. "Even when I was sixteen, she'd still be out here with me, still pushing me, and we'd just talk, you know? Politics, music, gossip... it was our time. It was our way of hitting pause, I guess. Sometimes, she'd turn the stereo up in the kitchen and sing along."
"Alice always wanted a swing, but none of the trees were right for it, according to Dad," Edward mused. "She'd be very jealous to hear of this."
Bella snapped a photo with the camera that was thankfully still in her pocket. She didn't feel right snapping photos of Ellie's home, but this swing – it belonged to Bella. It would always be hers.
"Get on," Edward urged.
"I'm in my twenties," Bella protested weakly, her heart pulling her closer to the simple platform seat.
"Who cares?" Edward took her hand, pulling her to the swing and blocking her path. "I'll push, if you sing."
"I'm not singing," Bella insisted, grimacing.
"Yet. Get on, Bitchella, before I make you."
With feigned reluctance, Bella hopped onto the seat, chuckling at how much her legs now dragged on the ground. I'm still short, but not THAT short. Flushing slightly at how ridiculous she felt she looked to Ellie and Heidi, she glanced up and sighed in relief that whatever baking debacle was underway had their undivided attention. Edward seized the ropes from behind her, Bella gasping in surprise as he drew her back and let her go, her legs instinctively pumping in rhythm with his gentle nudges into the sky.
"Any requests, you demanding jackass?" Bella snarked.
"The entirety of Rent?" Edward teased.
"Blow me, Cullen. Serious suggestions, here."
"I am being serious; I would love to hear you juggle the entire musical!"
Bella growled in frustration, "You are insufferable! No singing for you!"
"C'mon, you know who I am," Edward soothed, "Pick something that reminds you of here."
Bella's hands clutched the ropes a bit tighter, her swing propelling her rather high now, enough to steal peeks into what was her mother's bedroom on the forward momentum. Mentally, she searched through her iTunes, discarding artist after artist until one jumped out at her. With a little smile at Edward, who'd moved to her left, avoiding taking a swing to the jaw, she cleared her throat.
"Prepare to be schooled on one of the songwriting legends of our time," Bella quipped, then closed her eyes, hearing the familiar melody in her head.
"Say goodbye to the old street that never cared much for you, anyway You walk across a baseball field How the sky turns to fire against a telephone wire Every day I take a bitter pill that gets me on my way I walk down to the railroad track and ride a rusty train How the sky turns to fire against a telephone wire Say goodbye to the old building that never tried to know your name How the sky turns to fire against a telephone wire
The different-coloured doorways you thought would let you in one day
Goodbye to the old bus stop, frozen and waiting
The weekend edition has this town way overrated
The grass has turned to straw
A flock of birds tries to fly away from where you are
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye old friend
I can't make you stay
I can't spend another ten years wishing you would, anyway
And even I'm getting tired of useless desires
For the little aches and pains, the ones I have from day to day
To help me think a little less about the things I miss
To help me not to wonder how I ended up like this
With a million other faces I shoot through the city veins
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye old friend
You wanted to be free
Somewhere beyond the bitter end is where I want to be
And even I'm getting tired of useless desires
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye old friend
You won't be seeing me again
Goodbye to all the windowpanes shining in the sun, like diamonds on a winter day
Goodbye, goodbye to everyone
Burns the last of the day down
And I'm the last one hangin' around
Waiting on a train track, and the train never comes back
And even I'm getting tired of useless desires
The swing had slowed to a gentle sway, Bella distracted by memories of singing with her mother, tipsy on cheap white wine on long summer nights. Her eyes fluttered open and met Edward's, widening as he brushed aside an errant tear from his eye.
"Beautiful," he declared softly. "Who sings it?"
"Patty Griffin. One of mom's favourites," Bella added in explanation. "She has so many albums, but that song seemed... right?"
"I concur," Edward said, smiling proudly. "Need another push?"
Bella shook her head, "I think Ellie's been gracious enough. I'm ready." With a giggle, she jumped from the still-moving swing, congratulating herself internally for landing the dismount after years of not practicing. "I have to thank them both, and give Heidi my address and number. I've missed her more than I realized."
Edward took her hand, the arms swinging back and forth, child-like as they meandered through the field of toy landmines, Edward holding the door open for Bella as they stepped back into the kitchen. Ellie was sliding a tray of cupcakes into the oven while Heidi iced a cooled batch on the centre island.
"Concluding our tour, the kitchen," Bella commented lightly, earning a chuckle from Edward. "The place where I spent far more time than Renee – except Mexican nights. For some reason, my mother had their cuisine basics down."
Heidi laughed heartily, "Always a fresh fire extinguisher here, ja?"
Bella rolled her eyes, "It's not even funny. We kept several contained of baking soda around as well; she was that cursed in the culinary arts."
"No wonder the oven seemed so brand new, in spite of the model!" Ellie exclaimed, shutting the door. "The stove seemed used, but the oven, not so much."
"Other than a few casseroles and holiday baking, it remained very dormant when we were here," Bella replied, smiling. "Looks like Heidi has saved the day again."
Ellie nodded, shooting a grateful look to the elderly woman across the kitchen, "Heidi is always saving me with baking. I'm hopeless at it. Dinners, soups, no problem. I can't even bake Betty Crocker properly."
"That makes two of us," Edward interjected, earning a chuckle from the women.
"Ellie, thank you for allowing us to wander around today. It means so much to me, you know, to have a last look around. I left in a rush..."
Ellie nodded, smiling warmly, "You are very welcome. If you make it back here in the future, swing by – metaphorically or physically," she added, jerking her head towards the backyard. "Family of Heidi's is family of mine."
"Do you have a paper and pen? I need to make sure my Chosen Nana has my information, or she's apt to beat me with a rolling pin," Bella joked.
"Verdammt richtig!" Heidi exclaimed, abandoning her decorating. "We will stay in touch, meine Süsse."
"Definitely, Nana," Bella promised, falling into her warm embrace. Chocolate and floral scents... There's got to be some way to make it into an incense, she thought to herself, inhaling deep.
Edward handed Heidi a slip of paper, and Bella shot him a grateful smile as he tugged at her hoodie, "A photo?" he suggested.
"Oh God, of course! Why didn't I think of it? Heidi, you mind?"
Heidi laughed, wagging a finger admonishingly, "Do not be silly Sally, Bella! Ellie! Können Sie mich helfen? Help, bitte?"Bella handed the camera to Ellie, somewhat confused until Heidi seized Edward's arm, yanking him to the other side of her. Ah – she wants him in the picture! Bella laughed at Edward's stunned look; Heidi was deceptive in appearance. She'd told Bella many times of her physical strength, and Bella was used to her spunk. Ellie snapped two shots of the threesome, before Bella insisted on just her and 'Nana'. Two more snaps later, Bella checked the images on the digital display and nodded in satisfaction.
"I promise to call soon, and you have my number too. It was so good to see you again, Nana Heidi."
Heidi beamed, "You've grown up much, Bella. You keep in touch."
With a final goodbye to Ellie and one last hug from Heidi (Incense! There must be something like that smell!), the two of them made their way down the hallway, out the front door and back into the warm sun. Bella felt lighter, somehow; it was as if she'd been carrying her unfulfilled desires upon her back, Atlas-like, only to shrug them off in the home of her youth. Edward noticed the change, obviously; his smile was one of accomplishment, as if he'd known that she'd find exactly this element of peace.
I want him to be my Demetri, Bella thought to herself. I can't imagine life without him now.
"Where to next?" Edward asked.
"I'm pretty drained," Bella admitted, "But I'm hungry as hell. Maybe we could hit the diner down the way, swing into my favourite bookstore and then back to the Hyatt?"
"It's your weekend, love. Drive us anywhere you want to go."
Bella hit the unlock button on the keyring and pulled open the driver's side door before a noise startled her. Turning around, she saw Ellie jogging down the front steps and across the lawn, a small box in her hands. Puzzled, Bella edged forward, the car door remaining ajar.
"Ellie? What's wrong?"
"I'm a scatterbrain!" Ellie exclaimed, gasping slightly for air as she caught up to them. "This box, Bella – it's a few random items left in the house when I moved in. Thought you might want them. I've had them in the basement for years, forgot all about them."
Bella's eyes widened. "Things... Like belongings?"
Ellie nodded, handing the box to Edward, who balanced it while Ellie untucked the corners. "Nothing super expensive, but maybe..."
Bella's eyes scanned the contents quickly, biting her lip to stave off yet another crying episode. She mentally noted to ask Michelle if her pills were making her ridiculously hormonal, or if it was just Bella coming back from a mental wasteland.
"No, these... This is amazing. Thank you, so much."
"I'm just glad I remembered before you left. Well, back to the assembly line. It was nice meeting you two. Enjoy the rest of your time in Phoenix."
Bella nodded, her hands seizing the box from Edward. Tucking herself into the driver's seat, she shut the door, balancing her treasures on the steering wheel as Edward joined her.
"What's in the box?" he asked.
"Gwyneth Paltrow's head," Bella quipped.
"Oh thank God for that!" Edward replied, laughing. "Seriously, what's inside?"
Bella smiled, "It's all small things, really. Happy Meal toys my mom used to have on the kitchen window ledge, a blown glass vase she was given by an artist friend as a baby shower gift..." Bella handed the vase to Edward, clearing her line of sight. "No... I thought this was sold..."
Bella shakily withdrew a small, ornate rendering of a carousel horse, its golden pole and oak base dusty. Turning the switch, the car was flooded with a familiar melody, strong and vibrant. Edward watched as the horse spun, Bella humming along with the notes for a moment before returning from her reverie.
"Castle On A Cloud, Les Miserables. My mom found this at this weird shop when we went to Mission Beach. On days she was working or away, I used to sneak into her room whenever I felt shitty and turn it on. This... I would have packed this, if I'd thought of it."
"We'll need to get it a nice display," Edward insisted. "It's as if Ellie knew-"
"She's a mom," Bella blurted out. "An object like this, it's usually a child's item... It's not something to leave behind."
The tinkling notes ended and Bella sighed happily, tucking it gently back into the box alongside the vase. Thank you, Mom. Thank you, for these. For how else could she explain the way Ellie had forgotten the items, had never noticed them while cleaning out for donations, had remembered in the nick of time? Renee always did things last minute; this was so like her.
"I love you," Edward said, kissing her cheek.
"I love you, too. Take this please?"
Edward nestled the box carefully between his feet and Bella started the ignition, "Food. Now."
"Seconded. Lead on, Macduff."
"It's 'lay on'," Bella replied, giggling to herself as a memory floated into mind. "Remind me to tell Ronan about your slip when we get home."
"Why?"
Bella smiled, "Long story, Cullen. Let's just say things, in many ways, have come full circle on this trip, and it's all thanks to you. I won't ever forget this, Edward."
Edward's hand closed over hers as she shifted into drive, "I won't ever forget all you've done for me, Bella. You know you've saved me in every single way someone can be saved."
Bella blushed, checking her mirrors and pulling into traffic, "As you've saved me. We're even."
"We're Gestalt," Edward replied, "Together, we're more than the sum of our parts."
"How very German of you; Heidi would approve," Bella giggled. "On a serious note, yes, I have to agree: we are Gestalt. You're weird when you try to be romantic."
"Sorry."
"No, that was a compliment," Bella deadpanned.
"See, this is how I know you're perfect: you can instantly reference Donnie Darko," Edward answered, grinning.
"Well, to me, you are a superhero with a potty mouth who'd probably flood his school for kicks," Bella teased.
"I'm gonna start calling you Gretchen, then," Edward fired back playfully.
"Alright, Donnie."
"Chut up!"
In unison, they quoted the next line: "Go back to China, bitch!"
Bella shook her head, "We know that movie far too well."
Edward shrugged, "Better it than High School Musical or some other piece of shit chick flick!"
"Ugh, definitely. If they make one more of those goddamn movies, I am going to cut a bitch. And here we are!" she announced, parking in the small lot by the diner. "Don't tell 'em back home, but this place owns the Forks diner. The pies, the cheese fries, the club sandwich... Gah! Foodgasm!"
"One second," Edward said.
His hands cupped her face, drawing her across the glove box for a passionate yet tender kiss. Her fingers wound through his hair, drawing him even closer, her heart bursting with gratitude and love. She'd survived it: she'd visited her mother and even her old home, without falling to pieces entirely. Without taking a single drink. Without Ativan. And that stability, even as she'd kicked her emotional house of cards – that was Edward, braving the cemetery beside her, taking this journey by her side. As they pulled apart, Bella could see her future unfolding, colours and shapes, images blurred to near obscurity, with but one concrete constant:
Edward was in every single one.
Trivia: Useless Desires and Goodbye by Patty Griffin were both considered for the graveside song, and ultimately rejected for Brave.
AND Just In Case:
Stella- This refers to the film How Stella Got Her Groove Back (hence why Bella notes her mother being 'corny' about naming the groove in the dresser)
PFLAG- A group for the parents and friends of LGBTQ individuals
The 'Paltrow' comments refer to the film Seven and I firmly maintain it's her best movie precisely because of the box.
The end conversation in the car refers repeatedly to dialogue from Donnie Darko; see it, if you somehow haven't. Amazing.
The 'lay on Macduff comments refer allllll the way back to chapter 3, to the day Bella and Ronan met. Bella fucks up the quote just like Edward does.
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