" And then?" a voice demanded in Helga's ear, sounding unusually annoyed. " What happened then?"
"Nothing." Helga said, quietly. "Nothing happened. It got a bit awkward, we ate our tacos, we made light chit chat, my soul started disintegrating, we then went back to the apartment. We said good night, and now I am here, chatting with you "
Phoebe made a noise like an angry cat.
" You did ask me to report to you what happened." Said Helga absently. She was curled upright on the couch, the blankets surrounding her as she gazed out the window in the living room. Nights in the city were unique all on their own, and she never wanted to admitted it, but she missed looking out the windows at Hillwood, especially at night. Milltown was nice, but Hillwood had a special sort of feeling all of its own. She figured it was the beer talking, though it had been some time since she had finished the bottle.
"Whaddya think?" she continued, feeling her head lean against the couch. The old leather was smooth and well-worn, kinda comforting on her warm face. Maybe the couch could be her friend.
Phoebe sighed. "Helga, I wished I knew the answer to this. Right now he seems to be giving off mixed signals, and I just wish I was there to be able to observe everything fully. The information you're giving me certainly does suggest he has strong feelings about someone. What you are feeling though…" she paused, as though she was taking her time to figure out the correct words for what she was about to say next. " Is it possible you may have residual feelings for Arnold?"
" Course not!" Helga said with determination. It was possible she lied there, but it was choices that mattered, and not the truth. " What I'm currently feeling is just me trying to get closure for my insolent childhood days. Nothing more."
She did think that not telling Phoebe the absolute truth was a bit troubling, but she quashed it.
"Well, if you're sure." Phoebe said. Helga could practically feel the doubt in those five syllables. Stupid best friend knowing her too well and everything. So she decided to be a little more truthful about the situation.
" Phoebe, I'm scared." Helga said.
" What about?" Phoebe asked. There were sounds of shuffling, as though Phoebe was shifting things around.
" I…was overbearing and nearly forced feelings on Arnold a few times back then." Helga admitted. " Like, remember FTi? When he caught me at the rooftop asking me why I was helping him? I was so so close to confessing everything to him. About how I loved him to the moon and back, and that my happiness was linked to his and how I wanted forever with him. Thank god I didn't, thank god Gerald interrupted us on the speakers before anything really happened, and I basically snapped at him to get a move on. Imagine the consequences. I could have told him I wanted to like…lie down next to him and that he was my soul mate. Or something. "
She knew she told Phoebe what happened then and Phoebe never judged, but it still sounded cringey when she heard it all back. Man, her younger self was embarrassing as hell.
" I nearly pinned all my hopes on this one kid being the one." She said. " At age nine? That's ridiculous and horrible. He didn't and wasn't the solution to my problems. I'm just…" she stopped, and started again. " My feelings are way too intense." She said. " And they're irrational. Nothing makes sense. Everything is just sensation and emotion and events. I don't have insight, and I react instead of think. I don't want to be like that, I don't want to be over-reliant on my guts. I want to be smart about this. I want to treat him like how I treat you guys. I want him and I to be friends. No expectations. If something like this happens and I throw caution to the wind again, and it turns out I was wrong?"
She stopped in an effort to swallow the lump in her throat. Coughed. Then she tried again.
"I would be back there." She said quietly. " Back to the quiet, numb place. Cause once again, feelings got me in trouble and it will drag me back there into that horrible mindspace where I hated myself and I just can't afford- I'm better now. I want to always be better than what I was back then."
Back when her emotional outbursts hurt people. Back when her need for affection drove her family away from her. Back when her inability to control her emotions meant that she hurt herself.
Phoebe didn't speak for awhile. Helga could hear her sigh though and a horrible voice in her head blamed her once again for making Phoebe worry about her from so far away. She had to hit that thought aside. Phoebe had told her time and time again that she was someone she loved, and that worrying about her was going to be a given.
" Helga. " Phoebe finally asked. "Did I ever tell you what happened after Gerald and I broke up? And why we did it?"
Helga straightened up a bit. " Yeah, you mentioned you and him mutually agreed it was okay, because you both were going your separate ways, and in separate colleges. It didn't make sense for either of you to try and maintain a long distance relationship."
Phoebe sighed. " I lied."
Helga had to scoff, because the idea of Phoebe and Gerald breaking up for any other reason was ludicrous. They had always been the serious couple, the one that would make it through anything, and if they had broken up, it would be a mutual one. " Liar."
" Helga-"
" I mean, you and Tall-Hair boy? You suggesting the break up?" Helga continued. " Phoebe, you're the sweetest marshmallow alive. You're the one who never says boo to a ghost. You're my absolutest best friend, and you've taught me the softest areas on where to stab someone, but you won't lie about a relationship like that-"
" Helga, please listen to me. I didn't lie. It was only part of the reason why we broke up. And we've always said it was mutual because ultimately it was but I was the one who suggested it and he had to be talked around to it. "
Now that was a shock. " Wha…how?" Helga asked slowly, now sitting up, throwing the covers off her. If what Phoebe said was true, nothing made sense. "That can't be right! You were super upset when that happened! We spent one whole night talking about how upset you were that it had to happen!"
" I know, I know." Phoebe said, and this stopped Helga a little from the indignation, Phoebe sounded utterly miserable. " I did it. I made it happen. It was my fault it happened-"
Helga grabbed the blankets back around her again, cuddling up against the sofa. If she was going to hear this, she might as well listen to what happened. " Okay, fine. Tell me everything."
Phoebe was silent for so long Helga had to check if she had hung up by accident. Then, a shaky breath, a small sound that sounded like she was swallowing more air , and Phoebe spoke up. " It was partly because of dad. "
Helga frowned. Kyo made Phoebe break up with Gerald? " I don't follow." She said flatly.
Phoebe sighed. " I never mentioned this. But dad thought the relationship was going to fail."
That didn't make sense. Kyo, while austere, was the nicest, kindest man alive. He was the one who partly saved Eugene from losing any hope in society as a gay teenager who loved Broadway and dresses. He had raised Phoebe the sweetest, most sensible kid ever, and he had always treated Helga with absolute kindness. This was the man she always wanted to be her own father. " I …how?" she asked.
" Well, dad came into my room one day, and he was asking me about colleges, future paths, things…" Phoebe started. "Then he asked me about Gerald."
Helga's eyes widened. " And…?" she asked.
Phoebe sighed again. " Long story short, he asked me if I was sure about dating Gerald, because statistically speaking , only 2% of new marriages in North America were comprised of high school sweethearts, and even then they fail because of reasons stemming from things such as changing of priorities, and 54% of high school sweethearts divorce with the first 10 years. He was worried that since Gerald and I were vastly different people, it made sense that we might not have the same goals, or the same ideals, or even the same priorities. He told me that while he supported any decision I made, he didn't think Gerald and I would make it. Our realities were too different. "
Helga winced. That sounded heavy.
" The next day, I asked Gerald, casually, about his college plans. He was happily talking about how much he wanted to make films, how to edit and tell stories, and elevate stories, and I just sat there, looking him. I realised that it wasn't right keeping him with me. He needed to travel, he needed to meet new people-" Phoebe cut herself off there, before she forced herself to continue. " Meet women. Women more like him, and could provide the time and love he deserved. I couldn't do that. I had looked up medical school hours, the number of years and hours I would be dedicating- I couldn't …submit him to that. If we broke up later in life, because he thought I was lacking in passion, that I didn't want to put in the effort…It would make me so angry. It made me angry at the possibility that I would be the cause of him being miserable, so I just…broke it to him. There and then. It felt easier to do it then than later, before anything got too serious, or too late."
Helga mulled over what Phoebe said, and fuck if it wasn't heavy, That shit sounded horrible.
Phoebe continued, after a pause. " He kept begging me to not do that. He wanted to understand. I told him, I pleaded with him to understand why it wouldn't work. He was stubborn, and kept saying that he would be faithful, we would make it. I didn't think it would, so I …had to clam my feelings up. Told him point blank how it wouldn't work. I somehow convinced him, with my stats and my theories and all the case studies, that it really wouldn't last, and it was best for the both of us. He only agreed to us breaking up when he asked for it to officially happen after graduation. "
Phoebe's voice sounded heavy, tired. It had occurred to Helga that Phoebe had just finished a 16 hour shift at the hospital earlier that day. Being a neurosurgeon, while lucrative, was still tiring as hell, and required patience, skill, and mental capabilities that would exhaust anyone.
Helga asked, because she really wanted to know. " Do you regret it?" she asked.
Phoebe laughed, a rueful, tired one. " Sometimes." She admitted. " I made the decision to break up with someone solely because in a way I didn't want to be a statistic. I didn't want us to have to go through that kind of shit, and it was …hurtful. It didn't make sense to hurt someone so badly, and numbers simply didn't add up. When I look at us now, I think I did the right thing. But sometimes…I just wonder. What happened if I didn't let my big brain get in the way. If I relied on emotions instead of just my head. What if I had faith on this man, my first love. It leads to a stretch of things that I really have no energy to think about. "
Helga sat there, feeling the words weigh on her. Then she laughed. " Look at us, Pheebs." She said. " I'm afraid of my emotions getting at me, and you're afraid of your brain getting at you. Everything about us is levels of screwed up."
Phoebe laughed too. " It is indeed ludicrous."
" How are we adults again?" Helga asked.
" Age, and society's perception of what being mature and of age is." Phoebe supplied the answer quickly. "Age is just a number, and it doesn't teach us ANYTHING about how to manage ourselves and our lives. We just…go along with the flow."
" An astute observation, Doctor." Helga said wryly.
" So what are you going to do?" Phoebe asked quietly.
" Sleep on it." Helga said promptly. " I can't think about this now. I got a text from Mrs Lila Sawyer-Thompkins that we are having brunch tomorrow at 11am, and the emotional energy I have to summon just to be around her is enormous, let alone be my friend's wingman. I need all the rest I can get so I can be my absolute winning, charming self. Also I need mimosas. They have alcohol in it, right?"
" I do believe so, yes."
" Perfecto." Helga murmured, snuggling back under the blankets. " In any case, I need to be up early so that I can look bright-eyed and busy tailed for Ms Perfect-"
" Helga, you know she's not the world's most perfect woman…" Phoebe said, but her voice had a hint of a smile in it.
" Fuck that." Helga said. " Ms Perfect is the ultimate woman warrior, who also happens to look like if Emma Stone and that girl from Crimson Peak had a baby. Also, may I repeat again? PERFECT SKIN. Like a fucking peach. And she's a fucking mother."
" I must admit, that does sound compelling." Phoebe said wistfully. " I always did envy her, you know? She was always so popular and kind. I never understood how someone could be both, and do it to such aplomb."
" You and me both, Pheebers." Said Helga, lying back and looking out the window, where the moon, though obscured, could still be seen behind the townhouses. " You and me both."
Helga was late to the café Lila had suggested for their brunch.
Technically it wasn't her fault. She had woken up 9 am, just as she had planned, but then she realised Arnold was also awake at the point in time, stirring coffee in the kitchen and looking up at her expectantly when she fumbled out of the couch covered in blankets. She had muttered some sort of greeting and made her way to the bathroom to do her morning business, trying to wake herself up. When she had left the bathroom, she realised Arnold was still in the kitchen, sipping his coffee, and they had both exchanged some sort of weird awkward morning talk as though they were strangers. She tried to break the awkwardness by making jokes, and then was so committed to it that by the time they finished coffee, they were acting as though nothing had happened.
Then she looked up at the time and realised she was going to be late, and she had done nothing else besides joking around with Arnold.
So a shower, change of clothes, a bit of makeup and flipping her hair around trying to get it dry, and she was out the door, yelling something out to Arnold that was akin to, " HOMYGOD I AM SO LATE FUCKING HELL I AM SO SORRY!"
Okay, when she thought about it, she had to concede that perhaps it was her fault she was late.
Luckily, she got an Uber that got her to the destination only 10 minutes late. That was a record. She threw a 5 dollar bill as a tip at the Uber driver for managing that, and opened the car door, running a hand through her hair.
Eurgh, her hair was still wet.
She was pretty sure she was sweating despite the cold air and the wet hair, and now that she looked down at herself properly, she realised she was wearing a wrinkled shirt along with a pair of jeans without a top button.
She pulled the shirt down to cover up evidence that she really wasn't a proper adult, tossed her hair back, and walked into the café.
She quickly regretted everything about her life choices.
Cause Lila, sitting in a table outside, dressed a soft looking jacket that looked comfortable but expensive, her hair in a long, elegant braid, was beautiful.
Why the criminy fuckwits was she dressed like a hobo when Lila looked like she had stepped out of a magazine page for Horse and Carriage? Fuckity fuckwits, her hair was still wet, but drying as though she had frizzy ropes in her hair. Also, did she remember to put on deodorant before she left? Would it be too obvious to sniff herself just to check?
Maybe she could go home, pretend she forgot about brunch…she could fake being sick right?
" Helga!" Lila squealed, waving her hand in greeting. " Over here!"
Damnit why was everything against her today? Helga huffed and tried her best not to look like she was stomping as she made her way over.
Up close, in bright daylight, Lila looked as luminous as she did the night before. Any hope Helga had of Lila looking diminished in natural sunlight was lost, because Lila Fucking Sawyer was, of all the tragedies in the world, a natural beauty.
Helga had to fight her irritability from coming out and ruining any sort of civility or good will she accrued the day before. She liked Lila now, remember? No trying to hurt the woman just because she brought out every single insecurity she had ever had, including her ability to get along with people, look graceful while doing it, and had the full attention of her childhood crushes. Lila was by all accounts a decent person.
"I hope you don't mind, but I've ordered some starters to share!" Lila beamed. "I read once you were interested in truffle fries, so I got that, but I wasn't sure so the waiter gave us small portions of the fries they had!"
Fuck that, Lila Sawyer-Thompkins was clearly still a monster. What kind of power did she have over the waiters to get that much influence?
"I…didn't realise you could do that."Helga said, forcing a smile and keeping her voice calm and cool.
Lila looked bashful. "Well, you can't." she confessed. "I was in such a pickle earlier trying to figure out what to pick and the waiters were really nice about it, and since my business provides the cheese they use here for all their ingredients, the owners and I are friends, so…"
Gah, was Lila showing off? Helga had to slap herself mentally to stop herself from getting back to her old, defensive self. "That's…pretty amazing!" she said through the forced smile, and she could feel a vein above her left eye twitch.
"It's really nothing, honest!" Lila said. "Everyone's just been so kind to me…"
Helga wanted to slam her head against the table now.
Fuck everything!
"So where is the lady in question, man?" Gerald asked, his face a little distorted from the angle his phone was looking up at.
"She's out."Arnold said shortly, "Went for a girls' brunch thing with Lila. She ran out of the house screaming about things. "
Gerald shook his head.
Arnold was currently in the kitchen, on a video call with Gerald who was currently on his "work trip" that Rhonda conveniently gave him. Apparently, it was a work trip, cause Gerald was currently in…
"Washington State, son!" Gerald had crowed near the beginning of the call , bobbing his head as he did so, and Arnold could see stubble growing out of his chin. Clearly Gerald hadn't shaved for a few days, and it showed. "I'm covering the protests in the school, and everything is buzzing!"
"I can't believe you left me in my time of need." Arnold had said drily. "Gerald, I think I screwed up."
"What, how bad could you have screwed up?" Gerald then asked.
Arnold told him.
Gerald was quiet for a while, then he started yelling, "WHAT ARE YOU PLAYING AT SON?!"
"I know, I know!" Arnold had then wailed. "I don't know, I don't know! IT JUST HAPPENED."
"Like, you told her about your feelings…and then you copped out?"Gerald yelled back. "Are you that guy from The Nanny?! Stop being such an ass on things!"
"It's not like I wanted to!" Arnold moaned. "It just…it felt right, the beer was good, and then my head just went with it, and then suddenly I'm telling her about Connie and that PTA mom and then feelings just came out and she's staring at me and I'm staring back and then I had to say something less awkward or it would have gone on forever and then the next day we're just going on like nothing happened!"
Gerald made a noise like he had thrown himself face down against a pillow and screamed. Which was what actually did happen. Arnold saw the whole thing happen right on the phone screen. When he raised his head back up again, he still looked indignant, but more ready to listen to what his friend had to say. "So she didn't say a word about what happened yesterday?"
Arnold shook his head. "Not a word. Just made a few jokes like nothing happened."
"See, this is what happens when you do shit like that. "Gerald said. "You're not clear with your feelings, you get wishy washy about it, and then blam! No one gets it when you are trying to tell them you like them. How on earth did you get girls in the past?"
Arnold cast his mind back to old memories and past girlfriends. "I…honestly don't know." He admitted. "It just happened."
Gerald groaned again. "Man, I just- what the hell- dude! You are the worst! You know she's having brunch with one of your exes right?" He demanded. "Do you know what they're gonna do? Lila's going to mention she dated you for like a month or something, she's probably going to share things, and Helga's going to think you're an idiot!"
"Gerald, I honestly don't think that would happen."Arnold said wryly.
"You don't know how girls are!" Gerald said, waving his arms. "They talk! Lila's going to ask Helga where she's staying, Helga would say she's staying with us, and then the floodgates will open! Lila's going to mention she dated you, Helga's going to want details, and they will laugh at your ass! Especially on how your head is like granite, cause you're dense as hell!"
"Gerald."Arnold shook his head, voice firm. "They're not gossips. They're not going to talk about me like that, it's all in the past…"
"So how is it staying at Arnold and Gerald's ?" Lila asked, chewing on a sweet potato fry.
Helga paused, mid-chew. She had thrown a bunch of fries in her mouth after taking a liberal sip of her mimosa, and now her mouth was full of oily, potato-ey, crispy goodness. "Garbelsharhfic."she mumbled before she swallowed, murmuring an apology before she tried again. "Good, they're terrific." She repeated.
"Oh really?" Lila asked. "Arnold and you doing okay? Nothing horrible so far?"
Wow, okay so Lila was starting off with the offensive, bringing up Arnold. She was obviously trying to know more about what he was up to, and this was a great opportunity to wingman the shit out of him. "Yeah, the man is amazing."she said, with practiced ease. "He's been a great host, which honestly is a great quality in a man. Also, he doesn't seem like a guy who dumps his clothes on the ground. Very neat man."
Lila giggled. "Ah yes, he was always like that." She said. "When we dated, his room was always the neatest, and it really shows a lot about a man-"
The rest of what she said got drowned out by a strange rush running through Helga's ears.
Arnold and Lila had actually dated before?
It was plausible, of course. It made sense.
Didn't mean she felt comfortable with that fact though.
"Ha….I didn't realise you two actually dated." She said, managing to keep her voice neutral.
"Oh, it really wasn't as serious at all,"Lila said, waving a hand. "We did date a bit, yes and he was an oh so lovely gentleman, but …I guess I couldn't see myself being able to cope with the admiration that surrounded him all the time, ". Lila shook her head ruefully. "Which was disappointing, to be sure. I just thought that I could get past that and not be so overwhelmed."
That was something that Helga wasn't expecting, and something she let show in her voice. "Really?"
"Yes…"Lila sighed. "As I said, he was lovely, but perhaps…too lovely."
Helga, who was beginning to feel very confused and a little irritated at Lila's manner of speech, decided to mask her feelings by raising her mimosa to her lips, preparing to take a large gulp.
"In the end, it was frustrating for me when I realised I could not return that same love and devotion,"Lila continued, taking a moderate sip of her hot tea, and not looking at Helga, who had downed the contents of the mimosa and enjoying every minute of it. "And it did not help that he's got so many people that love and cherish him so much. I supposed I just felt so very out of place in such a large and loving family." She gazed at her own cup of tea, looking unusually wistful.
Helga lowered her glass, a little thrown by what Lila had just revealed. "I thought someone like you would have loved the idea of a big, close family." She said.
Lila laughed in disbelief, "Oh heavens no!" she replied. "It may sound absolutely lovely, but it has always been me and my father growing up, and I didn't have many relatives that had a hand in my childhood. Arnold's family was so large and so colourful and eccentric, and to have so many ties…" She shook her head. "I couldn't do it. "
This was …not what Helga was expecting at all. "I thought you and Arnold were close." She said flatly. "You two are so friendly, and yesterday at the Cheese Festival, and you two have your inside jokes…"
Lila tilted her head and for the first time her eyes looked directly at Helga's, and the blonde woman had to gulp. Something about her gaze was making her feel very self-conscious about herself. Then a light seemed to shine in her eyes, and then Lila took a deep breath.
"There is no one, and I mean no one who can ever match up to my first and only love, Thomas."she said.
Oh right, her husband. Her dead husband. Now she felt really bad about wingmaning for Arnold considering the fact that Lila was still mourning the death of her husband.
"R….right." Helga muttered.
The silence was near deafening. She really should say something about it.
"Do you…want to talk about him? " she asked, trying to find a way to get rid of the awkwardness that was happening right now.
Lila smiled.
"So what now?"Arnold asked.
"No idea, my man." Gerald replied. "Have you considered changing your name, appearance, and moving to an entirely new city, country, galaxy? Cause I think your options are kinda limited here."
"I…I think I hate you man."
"So…you met him from the diner?" Helga asked.
Lila sipped her tea. "He was the sweetest man I'd ever met. Sgt Thomas Sawyer Thompkins, and he came in all the time for a full breakfast and a cup of black coffee. He told me about his life, always tipped well, and was in the army about to go to Iraq, he'd served 2 tours there. He'd no parents, no other family, so he always seemed…lonely. I felt bad, so I offered him my address so he could send letters to me when he was away. It was helpful. He didn't feel as alone in a foreign country and it was nice to receive letters from someone."
Helga nodded. Sounded like something Lila would do.
"In any case, we fell in love through letters and we got married."Lila smiled. "We were so young, you know? I was 20, and he was 25, and we had a son, Sawyer."
Helga continued nodding until she realized something. "Wait. So your husband's middle name was –"
"Sawyer." Lila said. "It was one of the reasons we bonded."
"And your son's name is….Sawyer." Helga said slowly.
Something very similar to mirth sparked up in Lila's eyes. "Why yes. It felt right. And he has his father's name for his middle name…"
"And …you double-barrelled your last name…"
"Yes. "Lila supplied, sipping her tea.
"Your son's name is Sawyer Thomas Sawyer-Thompkins?" Helga asked, in disbelief.
"We thought it was ever so cute when we named him!" Lila chirped.
Helga groaned. "Of course you did."