This was supposed to come out days ago but this site wouldn't let me edit any of my stories, kept coming up with an error. Fun.

Not much left now, just a bit more in Ikana, four more masks, a few side quests, the confrontation, endgame... Okay, there's still a bit left.

Published March 31, 2011

Up is Down, Down is Up, Right and Left are Still Right and Left Respectively

With just a flash of light and some magical feathers the group was once again staring at the giant face serving as the temple's entrance.

"What'd I miss?" Odolwa groaned as he came back to the conscious world.

"You missed me threaten to drop Morpha down this tower if he ever opens his mouth again," Gohma said, one of her pincers tapping rhythmically against Morpha's surface.

"Well played," Morpha said. "I concede the point to you."

"By the way, my recent loss of brain cells reminded me that I completely forgot!" Odolwa turned to Bongo Bongo, providing him a friendly slap on the shoulder. "Congratulations on overcoming your fear of fish and kicking Gyorg's tiny ass. I know it must have been hard for you but we're all proud."

Bongo Bongo narrowed his eye. "I am not afraid of fish."

"Of course you aren't. Whatever you say." He winked although the mask on his face made this a pointless gesture. By now they were afraid to even ask him to remove it, knowing that whatever was underneath would be an enormous disappointment.

"I'm serious. I'm not afraid, I'm allergic." He held up his knuckles showing off a fine swelling.

"Oh. Well that sucks. Does this mean I can have power over you if I wag him at you?"

"You do and I crush your skull."

"Duly noted."

"Hey guys, I found it!" Link caught their attention by pointing at a large red gem that glistened brightly in the torchlight, decorating the wall. To the unknowing passerby it would seem to be simply aesthetic, but the enlightened mind knew what had to be done. Link took aim with his new light arrows and let loose. "AH!"

The light arrow's blowback was evidently too powerful for Link's small, unprepared arms. It shot off in a random direction, deflecting off a wall and hitting Ganondorf in the back where it exploded in a shower of radiance, bringing the evil king to his knees. "You fucker!" he roared.

"Sorry," Link meekly murmured.

He braced himself and shot another enchanted arrow. It soared through the air, missing the gem and wedging itself in a passing Fire Keese that had been minding its own business. This Keese was the breadwinner of its family of forty, hunting to feed its many brothers and sisters. In Termina, most creatures were much larger than a Keese making hunting a dangerous occupation for one so small. Regardless of the hazard, this bat was determined to do what it could to keep its kin alive.

And now it's dead. Moving on...

For the first time in Link's life, the third time was the charm. The arrow seemed to disappear on contact with the gem's core, producing a mesmerizing shine. A wave of power erupted from the device and the world began to distort, the tower seeming to shake under their feet. Vertigo hit them all, staggering even the most powerful members of their group of misfits. When the sensation died down all their blood rushed to their heads and they started falling upwards.

Phantom Ganon, Bongo Bongo and the fairies managed to catch themselves, but not everyone else was as lucky. Koume and Kotake both tried to take flight but crashed into each other, falling to a platform above them and landing harshly. "What a surprise, you got us hurt again," Koume snapped as she lay prone against the stone.

"Don't be so conceited. You ran into me and you know it, you just can't ever take the blame for anything!"

"Don't try to turn this around on me! You never wear your glasses and it makes you such a hazard when flying. The reason I always let you go first is so you don't crash into me!"

"I don't need those mangy things. I can see perfectly well!"

"You're almost four hundred years old Kotake. I'm surprised that you aren't already blind seeing as we live in a desert with sand flying all over the place."

Meanwhile, Link was hanging on a ledge from his hookshot with previously unknown grip strength. Odolwa was clinging onto his leg and Gyorg was latched into Odolwa's other hand. "Buddy," Odolwa grunted out, ignoring the blood running down his other wrist, "whatever you do, do not look down... er, up."

His idle curiosity took over, driving Link disobey. The moon stared up at him from its place within the sky. "AH!"

"What'd I tell you? Could you pull us up now? My shoulders are splitting."

Gohma grabbed the chain of the hookshot and pulled it up, saving them from the never ending fall. Gyorg released Odolwa's hand, shouting, "New plan: NEVER mess with mystical fucking devices EVER AGAIN!"

Odolwa began to stroke his chin in thought. "Mystical fucking devices, eh? Well Goht, I think... Goht? Yoo-hoo, you there Goht?"

"Don't see her," Ganondorf said after a quick glance around the area. "Looks like we lost one during the flip. How terrible."

Odolwa skidded to the edge of the platform, dropping to his knees. "NOOOOO! Not Goht! She was so young, take me instead, let bygones be bygones, I loved her, alas poor Yorick, yadda yadda, and I'm out of clichés. Best not wallow in our grief everyone, let's go."

"You are an imbecile." Goht stood above them, hidden in the mouth of the temple.

-Night of the First Day, Stone Tower Temple-

From the first steps into the inverted temple, everyone could tell things would be different. They were now on a series of thin bridges which had looked like decoration when the structure was right side up. Caged off to the side was an enormous stone construct, hovering at least a metre off the ground and standing head to base three times that. "That's a Death Armos," Tatl said. "You'd best just stay clear of them."

"I got a fairy!" Kotake exclaimed from a nearby treasure chest.

"I swear, you better not say that every single- WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"

Odolwa stuck Phantom Ganon's sceptre through the cage and poked the Death Armos. "Not so mighty now, are you?"

"If you lose that I will annihilate you," Phantom whispered into his ear, his voice in complete blank.

"Oh relax, I-" The Death Armos latched onto the staff, almost pulling it from Odolwa's grip. He quickly held it with both hands, using all of his strength to keep it in his possession. "Don't worry, I won't-"

He was once again interrupted when the Death Armos let go. Odolwa shot backwards, landing painfully on his tailbone.

Tatl leaned over to Navi. "That guy was our team leader for a few days."

The only available door led to the second room Gyorg had attacked them in, the one that was filled with water. "It's gone!" Morpha cried. "All that magnificent water is gone!"

True to his observations, the room was now empty of water... and upside-down. Above them were four platforms; one had a switch, another a chest surrounded by flames, a third a locked door and the last was a walkway containing a Hiploop bug and a door. "Someone needs to stand on the switch to turn off the flames," Phantom said. "The chest will likely have a key to open the locked door. Well, that or we can try picking the lock again, though I'm not sure if your egos can handle it."

Ganondorf stepped forward, dramatically turning to face them all. "I think we should do what he says," he shouted. "Give the guy a break. He comes up with all these great plans but we shit all over them with some ridiculous strategy. Let's do it for once!"

Bongo Bongo floated up, putting one hand on the switch and sending his other to open the chest. He reached inside and pulled out a fairy.

"Oh, what a surprise, the plan sucked ass," Ganondorf nonchalantly reported. "Looks like Phantom here isn't allowed to say anything ever again. Too bad."

Tatl narrowed her eyes at the Gerudo. "You knew that, didn't you?"

"It's possible that I sensed a life form identical to one of those fairy things in there."

The Hiploop was easily dispatched by Goht and they continued through the passage, searching for a key. On the way down the stone corridor Link stepped on a switch, triggering a treasure chest on the previous walkway. Odolwa backtracked to it, discovering a key. "That was easy."

"We'll go through that door in a minute," Link said. "I want to see what's at the end of this."

He walked further, stopping at the ledge at the end. "All I see is sky." A hand grabbed him from below, pulling him over the edge. The many monsters of the group could see it flailing him around for a few seconds before it harshly threw him back at them. "Let's not go that way."

-Through the unlocked door-

Ganondorf let out a sigh, scratching his head as he looked at the ceiling. "Now I'm not physicist... but I can safely say that what we are looking at is not possible, magic be damned. There is not a single thing holding that up there, and I feel no spells in the area. So can anyone else explain what the hell we are seeing?"

"I think it is a glorious sight," Volvagia hissed, catching one of the drops on his tongue. "It's clean."

"You and Kingy might be able to do that, but I don't think the rest of us are that lucky," Gohma said. "So someone fix it or I'm just gonna sit here for the rest of the temple."

A pool of lava sat on the roof, dripping almost constantly and preventing anyone from crossing without harm.

"You're all a bunch of pansies," King Dodongo scoffed. "I had my entire office in a pool of lava for a while! I moved to rock because my desk and papers kept catching fire. In retrospect I should have seen it coming but who gives a damn? I was standing in lava, no one dared to correct me on anything!"

"And we can see what an outstanding life form you have become," Volvagia hissed, rolling his eyes.

A light arrow blasted between them, striking a gem identical to the one outside. The room flipped, throwing everyone to the ceiling/floor.

"It worked!" Link exclaimed from atop King Dodongo's limp form. It goes without saying that he was beaten severely for not alerting his cohorts.

The lava pool just happened to have some platforms that they could cross from this side. They did so and Link flipped the room again, sending them back to the inverted floor. "This is going to make me sick," King Dodongo groaned.

"It's fine up here," Ganondorf said as he sat cross legged in the air.

"I, BARINADE, do not get ill from such insignificant issues like you inferior creatures!" Barinade dropped from the roof, landing on top of King Dodongo.

"AH! Stop doing that..."

"I am displeased by the whining which I have been subjected to over this recent period of time," Barinade continued. "We must continue on our valiant quest so that I may reacquaint myself with Goronian Ale within the week. It has been far too long since I have gotten drunk and NONE OF YOU WILL KEEP BARINADE FROM HIS GOAL FOR ANY LONGER!"

"Gorons sure do know how to make their liquor," Ganondorf agreed, nodding contently.

After two rooms and numerous temple flipping they came upon the chamber where they had obtained their first key, the one with the Armos statues and lava. Once again, lava was latched onto the ceiling and dripping periodically but the inversion wasn't the only change – a large amount of WIzzrobe pads were scattered across the floor.

Ganondorf counted down. "Three... two... one..."

On cue, the Wizzrobe rose from a faraway pad and began to dance. "What is this creature?" Volvagia hissed, observing their enemy was discontent. "It looks like something grabbed its chin and forehead and pulled in opposite directions."

"A Wizzrobe, a fire manipulator," Igos du Ikana announced, his floating head making his presence known. "I had one as a servant in my castle, though from what you've told me you did not encounter it."

"I thought they shot ice," Link stated, scratching his head.

"I know for a fact that they shoot ice," Tatl said, crossing her arms defiantly. "We encountered not one but two in Snowhead."

"Just because those who live on top of a mountain study magic pertaining to ice does not mean that the ones living in a hot, dry wasteland will have the same field of expertise," Igos retorted.

"Well we don't really see that many monsters of varying types..."

"Who has a fire shooting Wizzrobe in employment?" He received no answer. "Indeed."

An inferno exploded around them. "Will someone kill that thing?" Ganondorf snapped.

"I, BARINADE, have not had a crowning moment of awesome as of late. You may leave the death of this abomination to me!"

He walked forward, the Megaton Hammer obtained from the last story's Fire Temple held high above his... head. The Wizzrobe rose from a panel in the distance, shooting fire at him.

"I AM BARINADE!" With a mighty roar he struck the ball of fire. It exploded in his face, burning the anemone. "That was anticlimactic."

"Quit embarrassing the water bosses!" Morpha yelled from the sidelines.

Gyorg's yells weren't as encouraging. "Oh, look at that, you got hurt. It would be a shame if you died, putting your team one man down for the next fight. That might have the unfortunate side effect of killing them all and letting the creator win."

Barinade scoffed loudly. "Your mockery does nothing! Behold my enormous power!"

The Wizzrobe showed itself again, twirling its staff. Barinade quickly blasted it to bits with lightning. "Oh electricity, how I love thee and the pain you cause. It makes me feel all tingly inside... and smell bacon."

"I think that's the electrical currents frying your brain," Navi muttered.

"SILENCE!"

With the WIzzrobe thoroughly defeated the assembly of freak shows continued, following a staircase back to the main floor. From there they immediately turned, finding a hallway full of Blue Bubbles. Link immediately changed from the front of the group to the back. "I don't like these guys. They touch me and then my sword gets all sticky and I can't take it out anymore."

Navi openly facepalmed at this while the others either snickered or broke into hysterical laughter. "Either rephrase that immediately or don't talk anymore."

"I find your lack of knowledge amusing," Goht stated, being the only one aside from Navi who wasn't laughing. "Were I equipped with some sort of laughing mechanism I would do so, but when Gyorg stabbed me it was broken and the incompetent twit known as Odolwa didn't see fit to replace it."

Odolwa grasped his chest dramatically. "Your words stab my heart."

"I wish her words were swords," Gyorg snapped.

"I think someone needs to be set on fire."

The Bubbles were dispatched with ease, allowing them to proceed into the next room. "Well, mini-boss time," Gohma said upon seeing the room's design. "Who gets to fight today?"

The room went dark. Hundreds of Keese descended from above, circling in the centre, getting gradually closer to each other until they formed an opaque cocoon. Without warning they burst outward, revealing a floating, cloaked figure with enormous yellow eyes and claws that could tear your face in half. It summoned a massive scythe from mid air, the blade alone being as large as Odolwa's sword. Gomess struck the ground, leaving a clear cut where his weapon hit.

Tatl clapped her hands together, smiling brightly. "So, who wants to fight?"

"I shall kill this one," Goht said, stepping forward to meet it.

Apparently satisfied by the challenger, Gomess set his swarm of bats after Goht. She began to run, trying to gain speed, but found that the hundreds of bats were successfully slowing her down. To remedy this problem she began to blast them with electricity and swing her horns around while running.

Gomess met her, using his scythe to lock horns. The two struggled until Gomess broke away, striking and leaving a vicious cut down her back.

"Several wires have been severed," Goht reported. "Due to lack of electrical current, driver D is now out of operation. I do not know what exactly it did but it was likely useful."

"Kill that thing already!" Odolwa yelled from the sidelines.

"Either that driver was my tolerance or you are just very annoying."

Goht dodged Gomess' next attack and rammed her horns against it, only for the bats to take the blow instead. "This will be as irritating as Odolwa."

"Hey! I am so much more irritating than that guy and you know it! Want me to prove it?"

"That is unnecessary."

Gomess spun his scythe, pushing Goht back. "It would be appreciated if someone got rid of all these bats."

"I got it!" Link shot a fire arrow at the bat engulfed figure. It exploded, killing a large amount of bats on Gomess' front. This allowed Goht to get an actual hit on the monster's body, striking its glowing core with a bolt of lightning. Gomess hissed, spreading the remaining bats to cover its weak point.

"We just need to do that a lot," Tatl said, shrugging nonchalantly. "Fire solves all problems."

Link strung back another fire arrow and let it loose, the blazing wood streaking through the air. Gomess deflected it easily this time, its eyes narrowing at him. It silently glided at him, weapon raised high.

Goht trudged over to a corner, plopping on the stone. "It is your turn. I am going to step down momentarily."

A single bead of sweat swerved down Link's face as Gomess closed in, his curtain of bats ominously surrounding the shadow. It should be obvious that Link screamed and hurled his sword in Gomess' general direction. The thin blade slipped between the many bats and impaled the glowing crystal, shattering it. Gomess fell face first onto the ground, dissolving into dust with its minions.

Ganondorf cracked his digits, grinning slyly. "It looks like-"

"BOOM, one hit KO!" Odolwa shouted, pumping his fist into the air. Thanks to the Gerudo King's glare and fist he ended up face first on the ground.

-Several rooms later-

Link poked his head around the corner, scanning the mazelike hallways within view. All that awaited his gaze was a barren corridor of dust and stone. "I don't see anything," he reported before floating statue came into view. "Wait, there's one of those Death Armies."

"Death Armos," Tatl corrected. "Do not fuck with these guys or they will bend you over where you stand and fuck you with their murder-dick."

"That was beautiful," Ganondorf grunted, rolling his eyes. "You, Phantom test their strength."

"Déjà vu," Phantom muttered before approaching the Death Armos, his weapon at the ready. The Death Armos easily spotted him and brought up its weapon, its sword easily dwarfing Phantom's sceptre. "I'm beginning to think this was a bad-"

The Death Armos smashed him into the wall. He quickly attempted to parry its next attack, succeeding but almost losing his weapon due to the sheer power behind the attack. The Death Armos attacked again but he moved, flying down the hall at top speed. It didn't cease its assault, swiftly chasing after him despite its enormous proportions. The two disappeared around a corner.

"Allow me to reiterate myself: It is named DEATH. These things will kill you if you don't kill them, and they are lifeless beings to begin with."

Ganondorf laughed, ignoring both Tatl and the lack of their doppelganger comrade. "To hell with that, I'm the King of Evil! No one's ever killed these assholes because no one's ever had the kind of power I have. Watch and learn. DEATH ARMOS, COME AND FACE ME!"

Absolutely nothing happened. "They're statues you twit," Gohma said. "They don't have ears."

"Then we find one."

"Tell me," Gyorg called out to Volvagia as they followed the Gerudo, "do they always go around looking to die?"

"It happens. At this point I just watch and taste the suffering as they get hurt. It satisfies me."

"Knowing this, I should think my job would be easier. But after watching some of the bullshit they manage to weasel out of, I doubt my chances of success."

At this moment a Death Armos rounded the corner, floating soundlessly. It didn't hesitate upon seeing the size of its opponents, it attacked immediately.

Ganondorf held out his palm, gathering dark energy as it came. "Bye bye." He blasted the magical construct into a wall. The Death Armos quickly recovered from the attack, rushing him before he could strike again. He dodged the initial stab and began to attack it viciously.

"Go Ganondorf! You can do it!" Link cheered enthusiastically. He cringed when the Death Armos shook off Ganondorf's attacks and punched the man in the jaw with its shield. "On second thought, we should help."

"NO! I will do this!" Ganondorf grabbed the statue's head and, with unprecedented force, drove it into the stone wall with his bare hand. The Death Armos began to spin, throwing him off and allowing it to recover, still unharmed.

"Ganny-boy, you should know that the cocky 'I'll do it alone' attitude always gets the anti-hero killed," Odolwa said, wagging his finger at the combat locked Gerudo. Ganondorf would have glared at him if that didn't require taking his eyes off of the Death Armos. He settled with flipping him off.

A flash of light sped past him and hit the red marking on the Death Armos' chest. For some reason this made the Death Armos flip upside-down. It tried to ram Ganondorf but, due to its sharp head, it became stuck in the floor when he dodged. The mighty foe began to struggle pathetically, wiggling back and forth in its prison. Ganondorf stared at it, his shoulders drooping at the thought of this thing almost overpowering him.

"Now I get it!" Navi exclaimed, snapping her fingers. "That marking on its chest looked just like the gem outside, so obviously shooting it with a light arrow would invert it as well."

"How the fuckity fuck is that obvious?" Gyorg shouted. "So are you saying that if I draw a light switch in my mouth you'll press it in the hope that I'll turn into a light bulb?"