Author's Note: Short chapter. Why? I kinda feel bad about leaving you guys with a cliffhanger. With all that's going on IRL, I don't have too much motivation to write... but still, it felt wrong to leave with a evil cliffie.
Anyone know the song "Yesterday"? That was sung by one of the Beatles (I forget who). I'd quote the lyrics but knowing , there'll be someone reporting this story for usage of song lyrics in the story. Yeah, yeah... paranoid, but I've heard of it happening before. Better safe than sorry. That's where the past few chapter titles came from. Ironically, yesterday that song was playing in my head for a certain reason which shall not be named.
Just a note: I love Pandora Radio. I have these radio stations and love it: Nox Arcana, E. S. Posthumus, Leroy Anderson (don't listen to that much), John Williams (the composer), Chopin (don't listen to that much), Nobuo Uematsu (which is on most of the time). Currently listening to DreamSpell by Gary Stadler, which is really appropriate for the mood of the chapter that I'm about to write. Sets the mood for an ethereal, spooky, supernatural experience in life.
Now for the bitch-and-moan section of the chapter's author notes. If you don't feel like reading, just skip to the chapter.
Apparently, I really suck as a driver and a car owner. I got my license October of 2007. Since then I've been: pulled over twice by Bridgeton cops (one for swerving to avoid a cat and one because I was doing 4 MPH over the speed limit), pulled over once by a Millville cop (for having a light out on my old car), got snippy with a State Police officer, had a county official pull over to have a "talk" with me, locked my keys in the car... three times, left my lights on and killed my battery twice, had three flat tires (two of which were front-left), swerved with my old car ('93 Cutlass Supreme) to avoid a deer and ended up crashing into a pole going 50 MPH... wasn't hurt, but the windshield shattered and at first I was deathly afraid to even move with all that glass.
But... but yesterday takes the cake. I only had this car... what, about two or three months. Already had to do some repairs to it. Had to fix the cracked windshield and had to fix my gas tank (every time I filled up, the car reeked of gasoline). I was getting ready to fix my fan belt since it squeaked every single time I tried to turn. Also had to change the oil and the spark plugs. No, the worst part was going to my high school from the store to go to the play practice. I'm part of the pit for the musical so I thought I'd drop by on some practices and get used to the music. I'm going about 45 MPH down the road when I hit a small bump, and I hear a CRASH sound. My car began pulling hard to the left, so I figured that with that clunking, thunking sound... my tire blew out.
I shouted a few choice words, breaking my New Year's resolution not to curse as much this year. I thought it was a flat tire, which would cost me $50 to get a used tire to replace it. Sucked because I JUST got out of the negative with my stupid bank. I had to talk with them because they signed me up for the credit card, took me off the overdraft protection link to my savings, and FORGOT to link it to my credit card... so there's $70 in fees to pay.
Anyway, I get out of my car... and see the tire turned horizontal... I looked inside to see some kind of rod just on the road. Tow truck came about an hour and a half later. He told me the axle got pulled out of the transmission and some kind of control arm for my tire snapped. In other words, I got fucked. God only knows how much THIS repair is going to cost. Let's see, replace shocks and struts on my old car cost $1,300 approximately. Lucky I got into the accident BEFORE I fixed it. I can only imagine a damaged axle and a broken control arm will cost... an arm and a leg to fix (pun intended).
There's no way in HELL I'll be able to afford this repair, but I NEED the car to get to work. I live in the middle of nowhere... ten minutes from the nearest town, and thirty minutes from the college. I don't know what to do. Ugh.
Well, anyway, here's the chapter...
Chapter 36:
The Pain of Loss
Okay, seriously. I'm getting tired of dying. It gets old, you know? I didn't have a magic drain. I didn't overuse my magic and had a magic burn. I used all the magic and energy left in my body in a last desperate move. I drained my life energy to save them. Like I thought before, Elincia is more important than I am. I can't let the fate of another universe be sealed because of my selfish urge to live.
Besides, I feel good knowing I was the one to completely dominate and own Naesala.
Still, this darkness is annoying.
"Well, looks like you died. Again," a familiar voice came to my head.
"Was I supposed to die?" I asked. Hey, I do have a body here this time.
"Not really," the voice replied.
"What do you mean not really?" I asked back.
"I didn't expect you to give up your life like that to save the continuity of the world," the voice replied.
"There are things more important than myself, you know," I replied.
"Indeed there are. Because of your selfless sacrifice, I'm giving you a one-time opportunity," the voice said.
"What's that?" I asked him.
"I'll give you life back," the voice replied.
"At what cost?" I asked, suspicious.
"You pick up quick. The cost will be at my disclosure. It's for me to know and for you to find out," he replied.
"That's not fair," I replied.
"I'm bending reality to bring you back to life. I think that's fair," it said.
"Give me an example of how steep the cost is," I said.
"I haven't decided yet. It could mean you lose your magic supply. It could mean your eyesight gets worse or you go blind altogether. I could take away your intelligence you exhibited at your home, make you a normal boy, and have you struggle in studies... thus making dark magic very hard to cast. I could take away all five of your senses. Or maybe, if I feeling generous, I won't give you a cost at all. Just temporary blindness like last time," the voice said.
"I... I don't know. I mean, as much as I loved that place, I don't belong there," I replied in somewhat of a downcast voice.
"Oh really? Look before you. This is happening right now," the voice said. I saw a glow and looked downward. It was like an overhead view of the battlefield. I could see the battle was over. Gatrie was being pulled away. Slowly the view went down until I landed on the field. I was a ghost.
This would be so cool if the situation wasn't so serious, dire, and morbid.
"He... gave his life to protect us," Mist said, looking down to the ground.
There I lay on the ground, undisturbed from how I fell. Man, I need a haircut. A serene smile was carefully put on my face. It was almost as if I died happy. Well, I did die and I did die happy. I protected them.
I could feel the emotion and somewhat sense ambient thoughts from various members. It was like, I could read all their minds at once and if I really tried, I could pick out a thought and read it... although I wouldn't know who it was.
The mercenaries all gathered around. There were unsure looks on the faces of those who knew my past and sad looks for the most part on everyone else. Ike had his sword sheathed and had his head bowed. Mist was kneeling beside me, along with Jill and Elincia. I don't think any of them could truly believe that I was really gone.
"He gave himself to save everyone. He may not have been a soldier or accustomed to our way of life, but... he fought like one and he gave his life like one. It is our duty to give him a proper burial," Ike said.
"Wait, no! Don't!" I shouted out.
"Are you going to make your choice to go back? Better make it soon before your body begins to... decompose," the voice said.
"I... really liked him. He changed my life. If the circumstances were different, maybe we could be..." a thought came.
"Wh-what? Who thought that?" I asked.
"That's for you to find out if you return. If not... you could spend your time finding out, but then it may be too late to go back.
"I really enjoyed his holiday present," another thought came.
"C'mon, man... you saved our lives and gave us a chance in the Begnion army," another thought came. Oh, that's Duncan.
"I never knew him back from where I'm from. I wonder if the game missed out a few characters. Chocolate rain... some stay dry and others feel the pain. I hope Gatrie's okay... who cares about some non-player character mage guy anyway? I wonder if Ilyana'd like it if I sang to her. Never gonna give you up! Never gonna let you down... never gonna run around... and desert you. Wait... NPC from a game? Shoot, I just lost!" a thought came.
"Wait, what? Someone thinks this world is a game?" I asked incredulously.
"You're one of two people so far that I've given a chance in this world," the voice said.
"Who's the other?" I asked.
"You'll find out if you try to find out when you get back," the voice said.
"As a princess... as technically his ruler... I shouldn't think like this about him. He's gone... for good... and I couldn't protect him, even after all the times he protected me. I watched him die..." another thought came. Yeah, that's Elincia. Damn it, I focused on her thought too late. I wanted to know what she shouldn't have been thinking!
Does she really hate me somewhere deep down? Man... that's the pits. I hope it's not.
"Commander... tell me this isn't the truth. Tell me you'll be back and we can take down Petrine together," came another thought. Jill? Maybe. Maybe Cormag.
"I want to go back. There's people who care for me. I do have a place after all. Just promise me the cost is fair... and isn't all that costly," I said. I want to be there for Gatrie's final hours. He's... he's one of those I care about. Maybe he might make it.
"Very well," the voice replied. A bright light and a flash of pain later... and I felt myself coughing. I couldn't even open my eyes.
"Wh-what?!" I heard several incredulous voices.
"How's he coughing? He's dead. He had no magic or life energy left and his pulse was gone. He was stone cold!" a voice asked.
"Guys... I'm friggin' cold. Can I, like, get off the snow?" I said weakly. My body was still weak from the attack and I couldn't move.
"Oh, oh, okay," someone said. I felt myself being picked up and carried over.
"Take me to Gatrie. Please," I asked.
"Very well, commander," I heard a familiar female voice say. Ah, hello Jill.
"We're here," she said.
"Gatrie. Gatrie," I said aloud.
"Hey, is that you, John? I thought you were dead," he said.
"Long story. I'll share it with you when you recover," I replied.
"I don't know... this is pretty bad," Gatrie said.
"You have to recover!" I said somewhat forcefully.
"C'mon, man. I'm gonna teach you that music. You're going to be an impressive singer and musician. We'll work together and be a duet. We'll tour the world!" I said in an almost pleading tone.
"Yeah... and get all the beautiful girls," he said.
"Yes, we will get all the beautiful girls," I replied.
"How about the ones in that choir I see? Will I get them?" he asked.
"No, because it's not your time," I replied.
"I can hear them so much better now... that one is really, really pretty," Gatrie said, fading off.
"Gatrie. Gatrie! Hold on. Dammit, hold on! Please!" I shouted.
"Gatrie!"
I could hear the entire mercenary company shouting for him.
It was no use.
Gatrie was gone.
Gone forever.
Gone to where I should've gone.
"Gatrie!!" I shouted with all the energy I had. Damn it...
"What the fu... damn it!" I heard Patrick shout out. He's kinda new to the company. I don't know how he got to get that close to Gatrie. It seemed he was always around Ilyana.
Fair is fair.
That thought just forcibly popped into my mind. What did it mean? Was... my cost for coming back Gatrie's death?
"No!" I shouted. That can't be right! No, it can't! Not at all! That's not fair! I can't gamble someone else's life for my own! Take it back!
"Well, there's your cost," the voice said in my head.
"You said it'd be fair! You said so!" I shouted out, not caring if the other mercenaries heard me.
"I did. You came back and he died," the voice said in my head.
"You stupid voice! I'm... I'm going to kill..." I said, fading off as the last of my energy drained from my body.
-line break-
I slowly regained consciousness. My body was a bit sore, but it was moving. I moved my arms and legs a bit to test my body. Good, everything's still connected. I opened my eyes and woke up to see Selena, Ike, Titania, Carin, and Soren sitting there.
"You gave the company a scare, just shouting out to nobody," Ike said.
"I was shouting to somebody," I replied.
"That voice in your head?" Ike asked.
"I... I heard a voice when I died. Both times I died. That voice brought me back to life in this world and brought me back from death. It's like... it's playing the role of a god..." I said with a sigh.
"Who is he to judge who lives and who dies?!" I shouted angrily.
"Calm down, calm down. You're still in bad condition," Titania said in a gentle but firm voice.
"You'll be fine," Selena said to me. "Just rest."
"You were very noble out there. Something even I wouldn't have done," Carin added. I can't shake the fact she looked familiar. She was wearing a different outfit. It was a white, sleeveless top with blue down the middle, a white skirt with that blue stripe continuing down, white boots, and black stockings.
Wait, black stockings?
Long white gloves, a pink tie, and pink bows on the arms. A sword and shield as well as metal shoulder guards were her only military equipment. God, why does she look so friggin' familiar?
"Thanks," I replied to all of them.
"I heard about your history," Carin commented.
"Oh, joy," I replied.
"Must be hard coming from a world so different from this," Carin said sympathetically.
"It is," I replied.
"Despite that, you still helped us out and befriended us, knowing that one day, you may be forced home and never see any of us again," Selena replied.
"How long was I unconscious?" I asked.
"Two weeks. We're approaching the Talrega area of Daein. It appears Jill is a bit nervous and worried about the upcoming battle we may be having there, but... she won't say why," Ike said.
"You may be able to help her... you may already know what's wrong," Titania added.
"I understand. I'll try to talk to her when I'm out of this bed," I replied.
"She is one of the best members of our group here. Her battle skill pretty much surpasses a lot of us here," Carin commented. "I'd hate to lose her through some accident."
"... I also wish to talk with you later," Titania added to me in a stern, serious tone.
"I... um, yes, ma'am," I said. That did not bode well for me, did it?
"Alone," Titania added firmly.
"I... um, okay..." I said. Oh, I gotta be in for it now...
"Can you move?" Carin asked.
"Yeah..." I said. I moved my legs and arms and sat up. Wow, I feel much better now. Almost as if nothing happened. Not even a side-effect from the magic burn.
... except Gatrie.
I looked guiltily down at the ground as I thought about Gatrie. True, who was the voice to play god and take Gatrie's life for mine.
Yet, it was my choice to come back. I was willing to come back at any cost, as long as it's fair. A life for a life. How stupid of me.
I can't go back and fix that. Damn it! I'm living Gatrie's life.
"I don't feel so good," I said with a sigh. "I'm going to get a walk and a breath of fresh air."
"That's good and all, but are you okay?" Ike asked me.
"Yeah. For some reason, I didn't have a side-effect from the overuse of magic. I think it had to do with my conversation with that stupid voice," I replied with a sigh.
Wait, didn't feel so good? I touched myself and then the table and the bed.
"Hey, wait... I can't feel anything!" I exclaimed. I mean, I was feeling sore earlier, but as I came to consciousness, it went away. I thought it was just healing or something, but... I can't feel at all!
"That's... probably your side-effect right there," Carin added thoughtfully.
"Damn..." I muttered.
"Well... it'll go away, hopefully," Ike said.
"Yeah. I'm going for that walk now," I said. I put on my footwear... shoes or whatever they're called in this world... and went outside. Nothing like the smell of fresh air.
Except... the fresh air had no smell.
It was clean air. Around me was clean, untainted air. Even that should have a smell! Don't tell me I lost that too! I quickly ran over to the food tent and peeked my head inside to see Oscar cooking.
"Hello there!" Oscar said with a smile. I could see him cooking. I took one big whiff of the air. No smell.
"Glad to see you're awake and healed. Everything okay?" he asked.
"Y-yeah," I said nervously and a little shakily.
"Does it smell good?" Oscar asked tentatively, noticing my response.
"Uh... I have a stuffy nose... eh-heh... I guess I can't smell right now," I said, rubbing the back of my head sheepishly to help corroborate my lie.
"Oh, well, dinner will be done soon," Oscar said.
"Thanks! Looking forward to it! You make the best of meals," I replied with a smile.
"Oh... um, thanks!" he said rather awkwardly. You'd think he'd be used to the compliments.
"Well, I'm going to continue my walk. Good seeing you, Oscar," I said cheerfully.
"You too. Good to see you're up and about again," he replied.
"You gotta teach me how to cook like that one day," I said.
"I'll try my best," Oscar replied with a grin.
"Well, seeya," I said.
"Have fun," he replied.
With that, I left his tent and started walking aimlessly. Damn it. I can't feel anything and I can't smell anything. I wonder what else is gone. This really sucks. At least I didn't lose my hearing or my eyesight though. I'd kill or commit suicide if I lost either. Music is my life. Without my hearing, I don't think I could go on. I'm no Beethoven. I can't just look at a music score and have it play perfectly in my head. I'm no genius like Mozart was, able to write a piece out with little to no scribbling out. I couldn't play trumpet anymore, since I couldn't hear what the rest of the band was doing in terms of if I was improvising a blues or jazz solo... or I couldn't even tell what note I was playing.
If I lost my eyesight, I could still do music. I could still do all the instruments I knew just as well, except for maybe piano.
Ah, the blues... what I wouldn't do for a slow blues progression playing right now. I definitely could do for that and my trumpet.
Man, this is the dumps.
I sat down on a rock slightly outside of camp and just started staring into the forest that was about fifty yards in front of me. I hope I get my stuff back. I come back only partially recovered and the death of a teammate on my conscience.
But, I can't let that get to me. If I die because I was moping or something, I'll waste the unwilling sacrifice Gatrie made. He may have had his life snuffed from him, but I'm not going to waste it. That's right. I'm not.
I'm just... going to hope I can feel again so I can feel when my magic reserves are low. Can't go into battle with no feeling, 'cause I'll have no idea how much magic I have left.
"You must really be deep in serious thought..."
A voice just lazily floated through my ears into my head. Yeah, I am in serious thought. In a reverie of sorts, I guess one could say. I mean, I hope I can get my stuff back soon. I'd really like that. I want to make sure Gatrie's life is put to good use. I'm going to miss that guy. I didn't even get a chance to talk to him or get to know him that well yet.
Wait, someone's talking to me.
"Huh?"
I looked up and turned slightly to the left and saw Jill sitting there, about ten or so yards away.
"You really must've been deep in thought," Jill repeated.
"Why do you say that?" I asked.
"Because you walked right past me... like, maybe five feet in front of me, sat down, and started to stare in my general direction with your eyes unfocused..." Jill said.
"... oh," I said with a sigh.
"Something on your mind?" she asked.
"Magic burn again," I replied.
"Well, you can see and hear," she said.
"I can't smell or feel. I don't know what else I lost, except a friend," I said.
"... do you have space on that rock for one more?" she asked.
"Yeah..." I said. I slid over a little bit and Jill got up to sit next to me. We both stared at the forest together, lost in thought.
"You probably know why I'm worried about our upcoming battles," Jill said.
"I do..." I replied wearily.
"I don't know what to do. I want to fight... fight for the truth and what is right, but that brings me to... to..." she trailed off.
"Regardless of if you see him or not, your father would be proud of you. You've been an excellent soldier and went out into the world to seek the truth for yourself," I said as I stared out into the forest.
"I... I just want him... to recognize me," she said.
"He already does," I replied.
"Will everything be okay?" she asked me. I knew the answer to that. I knew it.
"Yes. It will," I replied.
Did... I just...
I just told a flat-out lie. But... it was so convincing that even I believed it. If I didn't know the future, I would believe it.
Then again, I shouldn't worry about the bleak future. My crackpot fortunetelling has been wrong so many times and missed out so many things that happened that I'm officially giving up my knowledge of this world. I'm even wary of Elincia becoming queen or Ike defeating Ashnard. For all I know, that might not even happen. That makes all the more reason I have to fight. I'm only one person out of many, but that doesn't mean I should slack.
Everything may be just fine for Jill after all. I may not know the future of this world, but I have an idea. I'm going to find a way to save Jill's father. We sat in silence for a few minutes, staring out into the forest.
"Well... fancy seeing the two of you together."
We both looked in the direction of the voice to see a man standing there with an eye-patch. He had somewhat short, brown hair and wore black armor.
"Commander Haar!" Jill said in a surprised tone.
"Never expected to see the two of you as a couple," Haar said.
"What? No, we're not!" I replied to him.
"Then why is her arm around you?" Haar asked.
"Wh-what?!" I said as I looked around to see Jill quickly recoiling.
"I needed someone to talk to and to comfort me," Jill said.
"Aren't you a little old for stuffed animals?" Haar asked.
"I'm not a stuffed animal," I said sourly.
"Or using someone as replacement for one?" Haar amended.
"Why are you here, commander?" Jill asked him pointedly, dodging the point.
"Can't I visit old friends?" Haar asked.
"I didn't know you considered me a friend," I replied.
"I helped you escape," Haar replied.
"True... I still haven't thanked you properly for that," I said.
"Jill, are you ready to push forward?" Haar asked, his tone becoming even more serious.
"I am. I'm ready to even fight my father if I must," Jill said.
"Stay true to your convictions," Haar said.
"I will, commander," Jill replied.
"And you take good care of her," Haar said to me.
"I will, sir," I replied.
"Just don't get another magic burnout like I saw you do at the arena. That's not good," he said.
"You were there?" I asked in a very surprised tone.
"Yes. I took a few days off to enter the tournament. When I saw a few of your company in town, I knew I couldn't enter or else I would have been found. So I watched the matches. I wanted to see how others fought so I could improve my technique. I was surprised when I saw you guys fighting. Afterward, I heard what happened to you because of overdoing your magic in the arena," Haar said.
"I'm... in a magic burnout right now. I can't smell or feel," I said.
"Explains why you didn't notice earlier," Haar observed.
"Commander... Haar," Jill said.
"Jill. Commander John. I wish you both the best of days... and safe battles," he said. With that he walked off. He mounted his wyvern and flew away, probably toward the Daein camp.
"Jill?" I looked at her carefully. When I looked over, I saw a mass of red hair. She was hugging me and her head was on my shoulder. I... couldn't tell if she was crying or not. I didn't even know she was holding me.
I saw one of my arms was free. As gently as I could, considering I was going by sight and not feel, I gently rubbed her head. Er, not rubbed. Um, I don't know a good word to describe it.
Haha, oh well. She didn't mind at all. Gently with my other arm I tried to put it around her waist. Felt weird considering I can't feel at all. Well, when I say felt weird, it just... oh bother.
"It must be hard not being able to feel," Jill said softly.
"Why?" I asked.
"Because you don't know where your hand is going," she said again.
"Er, I was trying to pull you closer," I said sheepishly.
"That's what I thought. You put your arm too high, though," she said.
"What? Oh! Oh god, sorry," I said quickly.
"You're lucky that you can't feel... or else I would've kicked your butt... again... for trying to have a feel," Jill said in a mixed tone.
"Well, you're the one with feeling. Why don't you guide my arm... or scoot in closer?" I asked.
"I... sure," she replied.
Together, we just sat there... her head on my shoulder and we both stared into the forest. A bond of misery linked us together. A bond of fear of the future kept us there for a while. I didn't know how long time passed. All I know is that as long as me being here was comforting her, then all was good. For some reason, just having someone here who was having a tough time too just made me realize that despite all my problems, everyone else has problems too. Maybe mine isn't the same as theirs, but at the same time theirs aren't the same as mine.
What kind of future could the world have in store for us? Who knows. I just hope I live to see it.
Author's Note: Sorry for the delay. It actually took three days to write this chapter... that's longer than it probably should. I had a lot going on IRL though. I got the car fixed. Cost $800. Not too bad, considering how big of a repair it was, but... yeah. That makes two times I should've gotten hurt badly in an accident and I didn't even get scratched. First time being hitting the pole and the windshield shattering.
It's been a week and two days since the last update, but for some reason, it felt like it had been forever since my last update. I honestly don't know why.
Also, I'm working with my friend to write in his parts of the story. I honestly didn't know about Chocolate Rain until he told me he'd be thinking that. I was like, "What's that?"
So, yeah... there's the chapter!
The Game.