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Chapter Thirty-Seven

Confession

Anakin knew that he had done the right thing. He had told the truth. He had been honest with Obi-wan. But no matter what he kept telling himself, he couldn't shake the guilty feeling.

He was letting his Master down and possibly the Order.

But then he remembered that the Order had no faith in him anyway.

He was surprised they hadn't kicked him out by now. Granted he always managed to save the day.

His methods were a little unorthodox. He didn't follow the rules.

They had said that training him would be dangerous. He was doing them a favor in reality, wasn't he?

Anakin stepped inside Padmé's apartment.

"Padmé." He called out.

There was no answer.

He heard rustling in the washroom and walked inside.

She was bent over the sink, throwing up.

She turned and looked at him, tears streaming down her face.

"Anakin." She sobbed.

He was by her side, lifting her curls away from her face and rubbing her back consolingly.

The touch seemed to help her and she stopped vomiting. Her face was flushed and damp and she trembled.

"Padmé, are you alright?"

She shook her head.

"Do you want me to take you to the med-center?"

"No. There's nothing they can do." She said, struggling to catch her breath.

"But you're so ill."

"It's just morning sickness, Ani. Pregnant women can't take medication. It's not good for the baby."

The concern was apparent on his face.

"It's okay. Don't worry about me."

He draped his arm across her back.

"C'mon, let's go lie down." He said softly.

He tucked her into bed like a parent would their little girl.

His hand smoothed down her cheek.

He smiled down at her affectionately and then he closed his eyes.

She was confused.

"Ani, what…"

"Shhh. I'm using a healing trance on you."

She felt the calm settle over her immediately. Her breathing slowed and soon she fell asleep.

He kissed her forehead and lay down beside her. His hand rested lightly over her belly.

He didn't know if their baby could feel anything yet. He sent his love anyway.

That night at dinner Padmé barely ate. She still had some nausea and she didn't want to risk it. She stabbed her food with her fork, moving it around her plate.

"You have to eat something." Anakin said softly.

She looked up at him. "I can't, Ani. Believe me, I want to. I'm hungry. But I'll just end up throwing it up."

"You can't starve."

"I'll eat later after I feel better."

"You promise?"

She smiled. "I promise."

There was a pause.

"When do you think I should tell the Council?" he asked.

"Soon. Before they pull you to some planet a thousand parsecs away."

"I'm sorry." He said.

"Sorry? Sorry for what?"

"I don't know. I just feel like this is all my fault. If I had never fallen in love with you…"

"Ani." She began, frowning. "Love is not something a person should apologize for. No matter how complicated it is."

"If you had married a dignitary your life would have been much easier."

"Easy is boring, Ani. I love you."

He sighed.

"Don't be like that." She said consolingly.

"I'm very happy, Ani. When I was a little girl I would never have dreamed of marrying someone like you. But you can't control love. That's what makes it so wonderful. How it surprises you."

There was guilt in his blue eyes.

"You've given me something I've always yearned for. The first time I saw little Ryoo's face, the only thing I ever wanted in life was to be a mother. If it wasn't for you and your persistence…" She broke into a smile.

"I wouldn't have had the chance." She finished.

"I was shut off from life before you came back into my life. I denied all my desires, all my dreams. You let me feel, Ani."

He looked younger than his years then.

She stood up and walked over to him. Her hands ruffled his spiky blond hair.

He was on his feet suddenly, his arms wrapped around her. His cheek settled over the top of her head.

"I love you, Padmé."

That morning Anakin decided that he would tell the Council at the meeting. It was no use putting it off and the longer he waited, the harder it would become.

They went over the usual, updates in the political arena. Missions.

Obi-wan could sense his Padawan's discomfort.

Anakin could hear his master's voice speak to him silently through the force.

"It's okay, Padawan. Relax."

Obi-wan could see that Anakin was having a tough time speaking up, so he interrupted the proceedings himself.

"I don't mean any disrespect, but my Padawan seems to have something to say to the Council."

All eyes were on him suddenly and he could feel the blood rush to his face.

Ki Adi-Mundi was sitting directly across from him. "What is it, young Padawan?"

"I…uh, um.

"Go ahead, Anakin." Obi-wan said.

"I can't." he almost broke down.

"Anakin, you have to." Obi-wan said solemnly.

He took a deep breath, running his fingers through his cropped blond hair nervously. His hands were shaking.

"I need to confess something to the Council. An indiscretion of mine."

He could sense the energy in the room change immediately and it became more difficult to continue.

"I've broken a code of the Jedi Order."

Mace Windu furrowed his brows. "What have you done, Anakin?"

Usually Master Windu's disdainful attitude would have angered Anakin, but the circumstances were different. His thoughts were on Padmé. He'd do anything to make sure she was safe.

"The code forbids attachment. I have an attachment and her name is Padmé Amidala."

Ki Adi-Mundi smiled. "You're confessing to a crush on the senator, Anakin? That seems harmless."

"It's not a crush, Jedi Master. We're married."

It seemed in that moment that the whole world had crashed down on the Council room.

The Masters seemed very troubled by Anakin's confession. They were speechless.

"I'm aware that the punishments for such an act are harsh. I'm not going to ask for clemency. I accept whatever penalty the Order gives for offenses like mine. I offer my resignation from the Order if that's what you want."

The Council members looked at each other. Mace Windu spoke.

"It's not that easy, Anakin. Leaving the Order involves going through many formalities. If that is even what the Council decides. In any normal situation you would be thrown out of the order immediately, but this is not a typical situation and you are not a normal Jedi."

"Whether the Council decides to expel me or not, I cannot take any more assignments. Padmé needs me."

"I'm sure the Senator would understand that we are in a time of war and that we need every member of the Jedi order to participate in the effort." Ki Adi-Mundi said sternly.

"I'm sorry, Master Jedi. I can't leave her side."

"And why not?" Mace asked firmly. He seemed almost angry.

"She's carrying my child."

It was like an explosion had gone off around them.

Mace sat back in his seat and tried to process the information.

Anakin couldn't look at any of them. His eyes were fixed to the variations of the floor.

"I'm sorry." He said quietly.

"Sorry is not going to fix this situation, Anakin." Ki Adi-Mundi said.

"I know. I've caused the council a great deal of trouble. I'm sorry for that."

It was silent for some time and the tension was thick.

"Well, there is nothing more that can be done at the moment. The Council needs time to make its decision." Mace Windu said emotionlessly.

The Master's filed out of the Council room. Anakin looked at Obi-wan with the same look of guilt he had a day ago.

"I'm so sorry, Master."

There was compassion in the Jedi Master's blue green eyes.

"Don't be, Anakin. I understand."

Despite the heaviness in his heart, Anakin smiled.

He was glad to have Obi-wan's support when so many disapproved.

For a moment, a short instance in all his life, he didn't feel like a burden.

It felt good.